Sweet!

"All IT Employees:
As we enter the last weeks of the year, we would like all IT staff to enjoy a bit of holiday cheer. Between now and 12/31/05, all staff may dress casually for work. Please be sensitive and dress appropriately for meetings you may have with external customers or with other visitors coming into the building. As always, please use good judgment in appropriate attire for the workplace."

Time to break out the manthongs!!

I'm not a dad, not yet an uncle

My brother and his wife just left the house for her to be induced. So, I’m going to be an uncle today. Or tomorrow if it doesn’t go too well. While I’m happy about all that, what I’m really hoping for is a long, drawn out labor that goes into tomorrow. While this points to me being a cruel brother in law, the real reason: I’m anti social.


Sunday morning our next-door neighbor knocked on our door and invited Titso and I over for some coffee. We were barely awake or dressed so we took down their number. Titso called and arranged for us to get together tomorrow night. Titso is friendly and can, and will, talk to anyone. Me, not so much. The neighbors seem like very nice and friendly people, but I don’t get along with new people. Especially people that seem to be my polar opposite. I like football, he likes salsa dancing. That right there is enough to make me fake sick. I’m fairly certain we have zero in common and I’m dreading it. He probably doesn’t even like boobs.


So, here’s to hoping for a 24 hour labor that will mean I have to go visit them tomorrow after work and cancel our neighborly play date.

Questions

Thank you all for your great (and not so great) questions. I will try to get some answers out of Titso, but everyday she does this bizarre thing called "work". I'll do my best to pull her away and get some goddamn answers. I deserve answers!!

Bored, and uncreative

I'm thinking about interviewing Titso for a blog post. Anyone got any questions for her?

Weekend Recrap

-Had Thanksgiving dinner with the Dancing Queen and the rest of my family.

-Worked Friday. Left a little early. Went to play poker. Got 4th place out of 90 people. 4th place is 1st loser in free bar poker.

-Went 24 straight hours without eating. I just wasn’t hungry.

-Hung Christmas lights. New house is much bigger than old house, so we ran out of lights. Need to get more. Looks retarded right now.

-Went to Titso’s 10 year reunion. Drank both our money’s worth. Got my nice Banana Republic jacket stolen.

-Went to and FINALLY saw the Eagles win a freakin game.

-Gained 3 pounds over the long weekend even with my 1 day food ban.

-Tired.

Dreams do come true

My mom loves to dance. It was well documented by our wedding photographer a few months ago. I put together a little collage to express to you just how deep her love runs.




Today, on national television, her dream of dancing with Ellen was fufilled. I wish I had it on my PC, but I had to settle with pausing tivo and taking a picture with my camera. Yes, here is my mom grinding with Ellen.

Tony Danza

How does he have a talk show? Seriously. It's horrendous.



P.S. Right now on Maury: "I'm back for the 9th time... I hope I find the dad today!"


My faith in good talk shows is restored.

Poke Her

40 people, I am one of them, playing poker. Guess who wins? Me bitches! me! $100 for a 0$ buy in! YEAH! I is drunk.

email just received!

"Due to the unexpected maintenance that must be done to the building on Wednesday, 11/23, any developers can choose to work from home."



I friggen love working from home. Usually I just sit around in my underwear eating cheetos. Tomorrow I may not even wear my underwear.

Two daytime talk show posts in one day

My mom looooooves Ellen. I bet if my mom ever goes gay, she’ll go after Ellen. And I’m fairly certain it’s because Ellen dances on her show everyday. My mom loves Ellen so much that she got tickets to go see her. She’s there right now. I think she said they film from 10:30-11:30. So she’s probably rocking out to Bon Jovi right at this very moment. And I bet she jumped on stage to get her freak on with Ellen.*





* I don’t have many pictures of my mom on my PC, so I thought I’d do her justice with a 25 year old picture of her with sweet 70’s hair.

I can't believe I'm writing a post about Oprah

So, who else watched Oprah’s Favorite Things yesterday? I wish I didn’t. If I were in that crowd I’d have rioted and maimed Oprah. Then I’d have gone after Dr. Phil. Last year’s guests all got a new car. This year’s guests get a stinkin laptop. I think there’s a slight $20,000 difference here Oprah! Last year’s guests simply needed new cars. This years guests helped in a national disater. Last year’s guests: free blowjobs. This year’s guests: handjobs with no lube. Fuckin Oprah.

Here's a real picture of someone from the show, reacting to the bullshit Oprah pulled.



"popcorn? uggs? Oatmeal cookies? Where's my car bitch?!?"

Question

Am I the only loser who has to work on Friday?

QT

I was reading this blog this morning. Armaedes talks about how no matter what he seems to do, his girlfriend doesn’t think they spend enough “quality time” together. Which got me thinking about how lucky I am to be married to Titso.

Titso’s been having sinus sicknesses for the past week and went out shopping yesterday while I painfully watched the Eagles suck. She got home and was practically dead as she climbed into bed. I waited until halftime then went and got into bed with her. Asked her if she needed anything, rubbed her arms and head for about 3 minutes, then asked her if she minded if I went to a bar to play poker. She told me to go. So I left her home alone and sick. After poker I picked up a humidifier, and dinner. I made soup and grilled cheeses for dinner. I cleaned up all by myself too. I’m like the best boyfriend/husband ever! She was still thanking me this morning for taking care of her.

So, in conclusion, my wife thanked me for going to play poker while she was home sick.

**Update!

She's home sick today. I just realized she has been totally faking sickness for the past week just so she could stay home today and watch Oprah's Favorite Things.

ch-ch-ch-changing

It hasn’t been a good week. I think the Eagles game Monday night kinda depressed me. I haven’t written anything good all week. Lately when I can’t think of anything funny to write, I try to make up for it by drawing a stupid picture, or taking a stupid picture of myself. So, today is going to be different. No pictures. After this post.

One thing I’ve always said helped keep relationships fresh was slight changes of appearance. I think one of the biggest things girls can do is to change up their hairstyles. I haven’t changed my hairstyle in about 8 years, but I’ve kept my relationships fresh by doing other things such as wearing an eye patch, getting my teeth gold capped, botox, and shaving my eyebrows.

About once or twice a year I’ll grow a goatee. Do you guys think I look better with a goatee?



Or without?

Actual real stuff

Nothing fluffy to write today, so I'll just say that titso had an ultrasound and blood test on Monday and everything came out good and the chance of downs syndrome is less than 1 in 1700, trisomy 18 is less than 1 in 10,000. Woohoo! (My super sperm did a Q&A on his blog today if anybody cares.)

Nothing left in my brain

I get angry at myself when I have nothing to right.

You're Alright

You're all right. I don't need to be a professional artist to draw pics of hot naked chicks. I can do it now! And you were right about me being greedy and not showing you the seductive looks I practice while sitting on the toilet. So, I combined the two pictures, and here's me practicing my seductive looks (check out the wink!), while I also have the body of a naked chick.



and here it is



and it's going to be down a little further



because I don't want it to show on my screen when I load my blog page at work

Daydreaming

If I were an artist I would just draw pictures of naked chicks 24/7.

who does number two work for, honey baby?

I like the stalls here at work. When I’m sitting down, the giant black toilet paper dispenser is at eye level. So, while I’m doing my business I can work on making funny faces in the reflection of it. I can also work on my seductive looks while shitting.


I’d take a picture, but you know, that whole I’ll get divorced for sending myself 6000 pictures of myself this month is coming into play.

It also puts the toothpaste in the basket

Every morning I drink one cup of coffee then brush my teeth. I don’t even actually like coffee, but I drink it to be cool. Like with that one cigarette I had in high school. As soon I half-finish my coffee (I only ever drink half of it), I brush my teeth. About a week ago I noticed the toothpaste I use everyday expired in October 04. Why are all the personal hygiene products I have on my desk 3 or more years old? How does toothpaste expire? How do I still have ¼ of a tank of toothpaste that’s been expired for over a year? Do I care? Not one bit.

Depression

In the 51 game time seconds it took me to walk from my seat in the end zone to my car, the Eagles season ended. Fuck.

Tim Donates blood

Well, I tried to give blood this morning. Since I was in Punta Cana this year, I’m not allowed to give. But they give us a free lunch anyway! I used to donate blood on a regular basis up until about two years ago. I finally got over my traumatic experience, but I’ll have to wait until March to give now. My traumatic experience?

I laid down on the table to prepare for the needle.



If at first you don’t find the vein, try, try again!



Finally, the vein was found and the blood was flowing.



And then… lala land.



In truth, I didn’t actually pass out, but I was in so much pain I couldn’t lift my arm for about two weeks and swore off ever giving blood again. Now, I’m finally over that, but the malaria infested Punta Canan mosquitoes won’t allow it.

Titso's anniversary!

Out of boredom and nothing else to write, I decided to take a gander and see what I was up to exactly a year ago today. It was today, last year, that I came up with TITSO! (Tim’s Insanely Terrific Special One). That was one of my proudest posts ever! Yah! Titso rules!

Down, but not out

When I sat down to my computer this morning I said to myself, “Self, you, my friend, are going to be funny today.” Then I started doing actual work, then I had actual meetings in which I had to pay attention. And my day has been ruined. Work ruins everything.


But, I am proud to say that in the past 24 hours, two separate people have found my blog through a search for “How to darken nipples”. I know my writing is quality when I give the people what they need.

A bunch nipply

Did ya’ll hear the guy locked in the basement on Desperate Houswives was fired? The reasoning was “improper conduct”. But, they don’t say what he did. I bet he blogged about how he shagged Eva Longoria. Or maybe he said Desperate Housewives would be undefeated if Brett Farve was the quarterback. Anyway, my main reason for posting this is I wanted to point out how Eva Longoria’s boyfriend, Tony Parker, has like 9 nipples.

Just like when Stormtroopers used to shoot at me

Every Wednesday I work my side job of dealing poker. I got home last night around 11:30 and watched Lost. I was all creeped out when I went down into my basement to hop on my computer afterwards. When I went to sit down I heard a deafing bang/clanging noise from inside the house. I knew the cat and the wife were asleep, so I grabbed the largest, bluntest object I could find to go explore and protect my home. Armed with a CD (yeah, there’s not much in my basement) and a fear of The Others, I turned every corner in the house with one fist clinched and my throat slicing cd in the other hand. Every corner I turned I found nobody, and nothing on any floors. I was still whimpering a little when I finally found a few boards and metal rods had fallen in the storage room in our basement. But the whole situation reminded me of when I was about 9 years old.

My old house also had a finished basement where we had a pool table, ping pong table and a tv. I’d hang out down there at night before having to go to bed. Our basement was set up weird in that the light switch was at the bottom of the stairs. So, you had to walk up and down the stairs in the dark. Every night before I’d go to bed I’d get into a runner’s position, flip the switch and run like the wind up the stairs. For some reason I always thought that as soon as I turned off the lights Stormtroopers would appear in my basement and attempt to kill me. I was such a douchebag.

Groundhog Day

I hate to keep saying this over and over, but I look good again. I'm Feeling good too... and nice! Instead of yelling at people today, I decided to make some calls and have some laughs.




Sometimes managers give raises based on your ability to make people laugh!


So, I laughed and laughed and laughed some more!


and what was I laughing at?




My blog of course!

Let the raises cometh my way!



P.S. I have no picture sending plan for my cell phone. titso is gonna divorce me when our cell phone bill is $400 because I keep sending pictures to myself.

Outside T.O.'s house

I'm sitting here watching a T.O. press conference online. T.O's apologizing, while his dickface agent acts like a dick. As a complete die hard Eagles fan this feels like an ex girlfriend apologizing while her new boyfriend is standing next to her. She says "I'm sorry for cheating, I still love you." While her boyfriend yells, "You did this to her! Fuck you!"



GOD!!!!! I can't stand Rosenhaus. I want to cry. I want to puke.

I will not tell a lie

Do you want some guy reaching around in the middle of the night and grabbing your junk?

When Titso and I found out she was knocked up we panicked for a few mintues. “Oh my God, what do we do?” “Our lives are over.” “I need a beer.” Looking back, I think we’re both a little ashamed of our initial reactions, and looking forward we’re so lucky I can’t put it in to words because….

One of my friends had baby about 4 months ago. His girlfriend and him were going to get married before they found out she was preggo, so they pushed the wedding back until after the kid was born. They’re supposed to get married next October. But, they just found out she’s pregnant again. They found out about 4 weeks ago that she’s already expecting. Twins. Friday she went to hear the heartbeats and they couldn’t find one. So, they sent her in for an ultrasound. They didn’t find two heartbeats. They found three. They’re going to have FOUR kids under the age of one. I’d rather die.

Trim

I got my haircut this weekend. I look good! G-O-D GOOD! Whenever I get a haircut I always feel good looking for a few days. Then after my hair starts to grow longer I start to realize it’s not my hair that makes me look good. I‘m simply good looking. All. The. Time.


I was feeling so confident today I decided to make some calls and yell at people.

Sometimes

when my word verification is too long, I just hit pulish to get a new word. Sometimes it takes two or three times before I get a short word.

That is all for now.

My weekend summed up

No place like home

Titso's sister is visiting for the weekend. They're watching an Ashton Kutcher movie, so I'm playing poker (2nd tonight) and blogging. I was just going through everyone's blogs and thinking to myself that I don't think I could have ever stumbled across a more funny and cool ciricle of bloggers. But, if I did, I'd desert you all in a heartbeat.

This probably only happens to me and I'll feel stupid. But...

I smell the dentist right now. When I go for my biannual cleaning (and i do!) they tell me I need to rinse with fluoride afterwards. They give me my choices: spearmint, peppermint, cinnamon, or bubble gum? The choice is obvious every time. Bubble gum. And every time, as soon as the fluoride hits my mouth, I remember how bad I hate that shit. It tastes like acid laced hubba bubba. Then I’m stuck swooshing that crap around for 60 seconds while the dental assistant looks at her watch. I smell bubble gum flavored fluoride right now. I want to puke.

TMI?!!

After my good friend google informed me that 75% of women get or have had a yeast infection, I figured it was ok to post this. Titso has been getting reoccurring yeast infections. As soon as one goes away she gets another one. She can’t take pills to get rid of them because she’s pregnant. Her doctor told her that in cases like hers, often it’s the male who has the yeast infection who is giving it to the female. Male yeast infections are asymptomatic, so if I had one, I’d never know. I have a doctor’s appointment today to get checked out. Every time I think about my penis I feel like I have a loaf of bread baking in my pants.

Wow

The K-Fed rap sounds really really really bad. I can't wait to hear it.

"People always asking me when's the release date / Well, baby you can wait and see, until then all these Pavarottis followin' me"

"My prediction is that y'all gonna hate on the style we create, straight 2008."

One stupid post? Is that all you’re going to write today?

Feelin sexy!

Titso comes home from her week long trip tonight! You know what that means!! I'll finally have clean underwear tomorrow!

Weird for $100

When you named your child did you think of everyone you know that has that name and think of what that person is like? We’re trying to come up with a name for our child prodigy and when we think of a name we say “Yeah, but what about your weird cousin who has the same name? We don’t want our kid to be like that.” As if our kid will be weird just because someone else in the world with the same name is weird. Am I weird? Ain’t it weird how many times I said weird in the post? Weird!

One step forward, two steps back

There was a point in time when everything electronic was my responsibility. If the power went out, it was up to me to reset the clock in the microwave. My parents couldn’t program a vcr, reboot a computer, hook up a dvd player, or change a light bulb. It was always “Wait till Timmy’s home.” Technology has ruined my technological abilities. In particular, Tivo has ruined my technological abilities. Yesterday I went home for lunch to set up a vcr to tape The Office because Tivo was taping the Amazing Race and I knew I wouldn’t be home. I don’t even really like the Amazing Race this year, so I don’t know why I tivo it when I friggen love The Office. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking when I tried to program the vcr to tape The Office, but all I got was about 10 minutes of My Name is Earl. I’m retarded and I hate myself.

The Heat of the Moment

It started slow. I took my time and enjoyed it. I paid attention to detail. Appreciated everything that was going on around me. I showed respect. Things started moving quicker. Faster. Faster. I was fully consumed. The grabbing. The screaming. And then I ran out of candy. I turned out the lights and ran. Hundreds of kids still roaming the neighborhood begging for more candy. I went to a bar and played poker.