Friday, December 30, 2005

Fucking Finally!

I finally fucking finished putting together all that fucking office furniture. Fuck yeah!



fucking finally:

I don't want a sad funeral

If this happens to be my last post of 2005, I don’t want your tears. When I move on to 2006 I want you to be happy. Celebrate, don’t commiserate. I don’t want people standing up and giving a sad eulogy remembering my 2005 and wishing I was still around. I want my last post of 2005 to be a party. I lived a happy 2005. I have nothing to regret in 2005. I’ll be in a better place in 2006. Don’t cry for me Argentina.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

I need your help

Can you get on this site right now?

It's blocked from my work, but for some reason I just googled starburst porn* and this came up. I'm wondering if someone stole my porn and claimed it as thier own.

* joo - I'm very touched that you've listed starburst porn as one of your interests in your profile. I can't remember if I ever saw that before.

Bore-a-phil's 2005 in review

I've been doing actual work this mornign, so I didn't think of anything to write. So, I'm stealing Heather's post idea which she stole from someone else.

The first sentence on the first post of each month of the year:

January – “Drink less *” - A new years resolution. The “*” indicated it had already been broken.

February – “As promised, last night I held a peeing contest with my cat.” - I must have been drunk when I wrote that.

March – “I'm Johnny Depp.” - Seriously, I am.

April – “Last night I went online and watched the flash cartoon that kid that just went crazy and killed all those people at his school made.” - Did I get political? No.

May – “I'm such a loser.” - I’m surprised I don’t start every post off with this sentence.

June – “Last night I had my first nightmare about my wedding.” - That post was too long to re-read. I think it had something to do with Titso getting pregnant on our wedding night. Thank God that didn’t…

July – “Titso had the first of her two wedding showers last weekend.” - Wow, I’m boring.

August – “Welp, we moved this weekend.” - Why does anyone read this crap?

September – “I'll tell you what, you do a lot of fucking walking when you go to Italy.” - Please kill me.

October – “Finally saw Wedding Crashers” - Who cares?

November – “It started slow.” - It’s ending even slower.

December – “I haven't done MSPaint in forever (2 weeks), so after reading about Conti’s desire to dunk, I thought I'd share a story and do some MSPainting.” - Redemption!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

You don't have to read this, it's boring

I read a lot. Well, not really. I read at lunch everyday because I’m antisocial. I’ve probably read about 5 bad books in a row now. I start to read them, they suck, but I usually end up finishing them in hopes of a redemption that never comes.

My mom gives out prizes at the bowling party and my prize was a book. Paul and his book club are not going to be happy with me, but it’s an Oprah book club book called A Million Little Pieces. I started reading it at lunch and I think I’m really going to like it. Thank F’ing God I finally got something that makes me want to waste even more time out of my workday.

No Xenu for you!

A few weeks ago my brother had the first baby in the family. In a remarkable coincidence, Jennifer Garner-Affleck gave birth (after a year and a half long pregnancy) on the same day. So, I started thinking that we might have a similar awesome shared birthday with Tom Cruise's fake baby. Katie and Tom announced thier implantation at right around the same time we found out Titso was knocked up. If our baby shared the same birthday as the next coming of L Ron Hubbard, then we'd surely be one of the first to join the scientologist spaceship when the planet finally explodes. But, unfortunately it looks like Katie Holmes has gone from 5 months pregnant to 13 months pregnant in the past few weeks:

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Please be on vacation this week

I need to do work. I’ve been procrastinating on a certain project of mine for a few weeks now. I was pushing it back to this week because I knew I’d have time to get it done. And I don’t feel like doing it. So, blogs are the only things that will keep me from it. So please don’t blog this week. Thank you.

My Christmas was good. The 5th annual O’D bowling party was yesterday. A cousin’s new boyfriend had both the high game and the high series. Nobody liked him. After bowling we headed back to our house where all 41 of us drank, ate, laughed, watched our wedding video, my mom dance on Ellen, and Lazy Sunday countless times. I wish I had exciting stories to tell, but I don’t.

Now, get me back to work!

Friday, December 23, 2005

Happy Christmas!

I hate the word "merry". After a 3 hour doctor's appointment at lunch, we're being let go early. Have a good one.

A storm is brewing

There’s this creepy guy I know. He’s nice, just a little weird. Doesn’t seem to have many friends. This morning Titso received and email from Creepy:

Hi Titso,

How does it feel to be pregnant?


She immediately forwarded it to me. I laughed and wished her good luck. She was nice:

Wonderful! I love it!

Not a good move if you ask me. She got an instant reply:

You look wonderful also, you are the prettiest pregnant woman I ever saw,,, don't tell anyone I told you though.

HA! Looks like I might have to give a beat down to some one moving in on my preggo wife!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Construction delays

The Great Furniture Construction of ’05 had a setback last night. We (Titso) determined that the walls of the office needed to be touched up (completely repainted) before we (I) built the furniture in there. So we (just me because pregnant women aren’t supposed to paint) had to do that last night before beginning. We (I) painted the room and then was only able to put together the sweet ass leather chair. The project is slated to rebegin tonight as soon as we (I) get home from work (after I climb on the roof to replace icicle lights that burnt out). I took a before picture and I will be sure to post my masterpieces when complete.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005


Every year around Christmas my family has a bowling party. Generally about 30 or so cousins and aunts and uncles come, bowl, argue, get drunk, have fun. It’s this Monday. Since Titso and I moved into a new house over the summer, the after party is at our house so the extended family can all check it out. The problem with this is that the house we moved into is way too big to furnish and decorate right away. So, in order to help resolve this, my parents bought us office furniture for Christmas this year. It arrived yesterday in 6-100 pound boxes. So, for the next 5 days, I’ll be trying to put together furniture. Who wants to help?

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Do these jeans make my butt look big?

They say a woman becomes more emotional when she’s pregnant for some hormones reason. I wonder if a study has ever been done to test guys out. Because I just went home for lunch and Titso had tivo’d some birthing show and I watched it and I got choked up. I think my estrogen levels are high.

It could also be because we have a current scare with the pregnancy. I’m not going into details, but if you pray, say a prayer for me, if you cross your fingers, cross your fingers for me, and if you masturbate, masturbate with thoughts of me.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda

Last night I was lying in bed and looked at the clock. It was 12:34. “Make a wish!” I said to myself. I can’t remember what I wished for but I realized something. I love my wife to death, but if I ever met Heidi Klum I totally could have married her. I was watching tv and flipped on an old episode of Who Wants to be a Millionaire. It was the supermodel edition. Heidi had brought her husband with her for support. This is what that atrocity looked like:

And, of course, we all know this is what she’s currently married to:

I could have bagged a supermodel. Dammit.

Friday, December 16, 2005


You're all a bunch of haters. IT took me hours to create (download from that template. You were all just jealous of the Hil.

Thursday, December 15, 2005


OMG!!! I've decided to make my blog an all Hilary Duff blog. OMG! I'm so excited!! I can't wait to start writing about Hilary! What do you guys think?!?!? OMG!! I'm so xcited! ALL HIL! ALL THE TIME!!!

my day of shopping

I woke up at 11am. I watched the price is right. The final showcase had a corvette. The guy bid 31K and the price was 53K. He lost. I logged on to my computer and read some blogs. I bought two things online. I have to go eat lunch. This shopping thing is exhausting.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Are two of my favorite words actually the same word?

Did you know that the word “finish” is spelled the exact same way as the word “penis” if you get rid of the “fi” in the beginning and the “h” at the end and you add a “pe”?

more on that...

So, last night I won my Tuesday night poker tournament again. I outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted 41 other people. I’ve now won 3 of the last four weeks and got 4th place the other time. It’s ridiculous. That just doesn’t happen. The general consensus was that I am the greatest (luckiest) poker play of all time. I was bought shots and drinks and I accepted them wholeheartedly. Only because today is a short day for me. I leave at 2:30 to go to the baby doctor to hear the heartbeat. Then off to the same bar I play poker at for my unofficial company party. My cool manager is taking the group (20+ of us) out. The party is not in the budget so she’s paying for it herself. So, I start drinking the hangover off in a few hours. Then I’m off for the rest of the week to shop. What a blast that is going to be.
this is an audio post - click to play

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


I just remembered what I was going to tell you on my auido post yesterday. I was going to tell you I was wearing a new pair of pants. As it turns out, it wasn't as important as I originally thought it to be.

In other news, I have to go to the bathroom.

In other news, I have been given a voice in an upper managerial decision as to whether I remain under my current manager or move to another manager. I'd have more opportunity under the new manager, but my current manager is probably the best manager I've ever had and I don't really know the new manager. I don't know what to say. I'll probably end up saying nothing and getting moved and I'll get super busy and I'll never blog again.

Straightening Things Out

I’ve come to some conclusions after posting my audioblog. First of all, all girl bloggers are hot. I can only recall hearing three girls post an audioblog and all three said absolutely nothing, but were still hot. Filan sounded hot. Mia sounded hot. And now Nique sounds hot. They’ve all posted pictures of themselves at one point or another and they are all, in fact, hot, but their voices make them hotter. So, ladies, post an audioblog and I bet you get hotter. My second observation is that all guy bloggers are not hot. The only other audioblogs I’ve hear from a guy are Conti’s. His are all hilarious, but man voice just doesn’t do it for me. My final conclusion from all this: I’m not gay.

Monday, December 12, 2005

this is an audio post - click to play


Every Monday morning I come in and want to share my exciting weekend with everybody. But, every weekend is boring. Nothing exciting ever happens in my life.

On an unrelated note: does anyone know the best way to get pee smell out of a mattress?

Thursday, December 08, 2005

My First STD

I was around 15 years old. I didn’t even know what STD stood for. I had just heard of a new band that had come out, but I thought they were STP. I was having a lot of itching and burning so I went to the doctor. He took some samples and told me I had Chlamydia. My mom cried and made a scene. How could I be so stupid? “Don’t you use protection?” she asked. “Of course I do! I can’t last 5 seconds without it.” I told her. The doctor said sometimes it’s the protection that is the problem. Sometimes the STD gets caught in your protection and makes the infection that much worse.

Yes, I had an STD. In my eye. The technical term was Chlamydial Conjunctivitis. I got it from a swimming pool. It supposedly attached to my goggles and got into my eyes. It’s like pink eye, but twice as bad.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

spreading my holiday cheer

It’s the holiday season. The time of year people change and start actually being nice. Everyone’s happier and wants to give rather than receive. I’ve decided I’m going change this year too. I’m going to be a good person. I’m going to make a list of all the things that I need change to improve my life. I think if I can verbalize everything I do that is bad, then changing them will be easier. Once I change everything on this list I will be able to say to myself, “Self, you are a good, wholesome, honest, respectful, humble, all around great guy.” This list comes from deep down. This list is everything that’s wrong with me.


the end.


I just wrote a really long post about what I did the past two days. But I think my interview post was too long of a read, so, just for you, I shortened it and did google image searches for the keywords if you want to get a better image of what I was up to.

Eagles stink... blah,blah,blah... attacked by a bear... blah, blah, blah... I was the big winner at poker again last night... blah,blah,blah... prosthetic finger... blah,blah,blah.... atomic wedgie ... blah,blah,blah... duck billed platypus ... blah,blah,blah... happily ever after. The end.

most retarded thing ever

Go try it. Which celebrity do you look like?

Apparently when I was going up:

I looked like a cross between Drew Barrymore, Anne Frank, and Sarah Michelle Gellar.


I look like a cross between Mel Bibson and Babe Ruth.

Who do you look like?

Got this from Mia.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Titso: the Interview

From Desert Boy: how do you like being called 'titso'?
Well compared to some of the other names he came up with, TITSO seemed a little nicer. Plus I know Tim is a boob guy, so Titso seemed to be his favorite.

From Laurie: is Tim really funny? Like in real life. Not through odd drawings and starburst porn
You think Tim is funny in blog world? Well, I suppose he is funny in real life – don’t think those Starburst porn were just created out of his insane imagination…where do you think he came up with ideas and positions?!?

From Julia: What are you doing with a loser like Tim? You deserve better
Timmy may be a loser, but he’s my loser. Plus he’s HOT and great in bed! Not to mention smart, sexy and funny… what more could a woman ask for?

From tinapopo: Do you feel that Tim needs to take some kind of human development class, in order to help him understand that his SuperSperm stopped being sperm fairly soon after conception ?
Tim is still a little confused on the whole pregnancy topic – I think he’s so amazed that his sperm could actually impregnate me, and so fast! But you gals need to keep reminding him that once the sperm meets the egg it becomes a fetus. Just like when a man and woman marry, there is no more being “single”, it is two becoming one. Now the supersperm has created a super-fetus, so I think he needs to change the name of that site.

From Lulu: Tim tells us that he is a very lovely, considerate husband. Tell us a time when he pissed you off. (For the record, the only claim in that statement I’ve ever made was that I’m a husband. Lovely and considerate never have left my mouth.)
A time, just one time, that he pissed me off? Wow, I could write a book! No, really he normally is a very lovey, considerate husband… except for when he gets on a poker rampage and must play at different bars several nights a week (or sometimes in one day) until he feels he has played his best. Or when he comes home drunk – that is a big NO-NO in our house… never drive drunk! I was almost killed by a drunk driver!

From Melissa: So, honestly, is he good in the sack?
Umm..I think that is a little private… what do you think? Of course, do you think I’d marry him if he wasn’t?

From Mike: I'd like for Titso to describe her nipples in her own words.
Umm… Tim can describe them best – go ahead… (ok, shiny and Diamond encrusted. )

From Just: who is your favourite author, apart from Tim?
James Patterson. But Tim writes some damn good stories himself!

From Armaedes: How do you keep it so gangsta fresh?
Deodorant and baby powder.

From Min: Do like Starbursts? Dammit. I meant, "Do YOU like Starbursts?"
To eat? Yes I love starbursts.. but as soon as they come in to our house, Tim is busy transforming them in to little Starburst porn!

From Kayde: hey titso, you ever consider doing girl on girl? err, i mean... shit.
If I did, I wouldn’t be pregnant now… so no, sorry, I’m all about boys.

From Funny Bone:
Have you ever been tempted to imitate some of the more difficult maneuvers Tim has so skillfully sculpted out of Starburst?
Like I answered Laurie – how do you think Tim got the ideas for the Starburst porn – he likes to relive it all by making starburst porn and blogging about it!

If you were given the choice of sleeping with me for one night or spending the rest of your life shacked up with Tim, do you think he'd remember you?
I’d have to say, I’d chose Tim over anyone…especially now that he’s my baby’s daddy!

I once had a pet iguana that ran you know where he is?
No, but ya know what – I once had a hampster that got out of it’s cage and disappeared one day, do you know where she is? Her name is Caramel if you see her. Maybe your iguana ate her.

What's the square root of pi-hole?
Dumb question

The doctor just informed you that you have crabs. Butter or coctail sauce?
This must be what he would be saying after my one night with you?

From Wendi: do you read other blogs? why don’t you have your own?
Unfortunately I’m not a blogger… I actually work a pretty busy job, whereas Tim uses his time at work to blog! I work on a computer all day, so it’s the last thing I want to sit in front of when I get home.

From ambs77:
What should I name my new puppy?
Sorry I’m not too good with names… I can’t even decide what I want to name the baby if it’s a boy!

What are 2 things you absolutely love about Tim?
His sense of humor, his body, his cuddling, his massages, his cooking… oh wait, you only wanted two..

What are 2 things you could live without that Tim does?
I could live without him playing poker. He’s a poker nut, he’d play everynight if he was single. I could also live without his farts, his stinky farts. An ex-girlfriend made him a ceramic bowl that said “stinky” on it, obviously I’m not the only one who noticed it! (for the record: I wrote "I stink" on it because I sucked at painting it)

Have you ever danced with Momma OD?
Many a times… she’s a great dancer – also very entertaining to watch! You should see her on our wedding video!

What is one thing the internet doesn't know about Tim that you would just love to tell us?
Hmm, that’s tough, he reveals a lot about himself. I would guess you all probably don’t know that he really is a fantastic husband. He helps with chores all the time, does laundry, cooks, cleans, even scrubs the bathroom. He is an all-around great guy!

How are you feeling so far in your pregnancy? Is Tim being a good prego dad?
I’m feeling good these days….the first trimester was tough. But Tim was very supportive – he figured if he helped me by cooking and getting me to bed, he could sneak out and play poker at night! I think he is actually a little more excited than I even am about the baby, which is an awesome thing b/c many guys get scared at just the thought…so yes, he’s been a great prego dad.

From Libby:
What were you thinking?
Thinking? Who was thinking? Do you think if I thought about a baby that I would be pregnant right now? But I can say that this is the happiest Tim and I have ever been. We love being married and look forward to this baby with great excitement (and a lot of fear).

Okay, that was maybe a little rude.

How about this one:

How drunk were you for all those months/years? (no answer)

No, no... that's not right either...

When Tim does his naked dance for you, do you laugh with him or at him?
Naked dance – he told you about the naked dance? Wow I’m embarrassed. He actually has several versions… the sexy one with the “David” boxers that he strips off… then the “hiccup” one that he does naked jumping jacks to cure the hiccups… then if that doesn’t work he does naked head-stands. You should peak in our window one night when he’s got the hiccups, man it’s hilarious!

From Alekx::
Are Tim's nipples as sensitive as the rest of him?
You think Tim is sensitive? He may be a little emotional every now and then, but I wouldn’t say he’s sensitive.

From Julie:
Are you going to name your first child Julie?
No, sorry Julie… we’ve picked out a girls name already, just trying to decide on a boy one too.

From w0d:
do you do anal?
Um, no…

From conti:

When we meet, can we hang for an hour? Yes No Circle one.

Maybe, whats it worth to ya?

From HappyKap:
Titso - Do you know how I can renew my passport?

I just got my passport to go to Italy for my honeymoon this summer, so unfortunately I don’t know how to renew it… but if you find out, let me know b/c I’ll need to do it in 10 years.


Tonight I get to go to another Monday Night Eagles game. Which would be cool if they didn’t suck. And it wasn’t going to snow. And I didn’t have to drive home the normally hour and a half ride, which is sure to be 3 hours in the snow.

BUT, I took off tomorrow to sleep in and, well, sleep in.


If you don’t watch it, here’s something that I just found out that will surely hook you and get you equally as pissed as I am that it was cancelled: The show is written by the same person who wrote The Golden Girls. Comic. Genius.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Uncle Tim

Last night I went to see my first niece in the hospital. (Jamisen (Jamie) Marie), 9lbs 2 oz.). I’ve never been a huge fan of holding babies. All of my friends have babies and I’ve probably held them all once. Except the one who’s getting older and can actually play with me. Newborns just weren’t my cup of tea.

Last night when I held my niece I actually felt like it meant something. I know that I will be in this baby’s life for as long as I live. We were there for an hour and a half and she only cried for about 2 minutes when her blanket fell off her and she needed to be covered up again. Her eyes were following the sounds of people’s voices when they talked and she was trying to stay awake while all those people were around. She was really cute. I got really excited to have my own. Six months seems too long to wait now. I’ll probably be singing a different tune in seven months when I’m only sleeping two hours a night, but man, right now, I can’t wait to be a dad.


Did you all see Oprah on Letterman last night?!!? Yeah, neither did I because who really gives a shit?

Thursday, December 01, 2005

I'm a broken drunk

I haven't done MSPaint in forever (2 weeks), so after reading about Conti's desire to dunk, I thought I'd share a story and do some MSPainting.

I was a problem child. I first got drunk in 8th grade. I first got caught drinking a few weeks later. I was horrible at it.

It was the end of my junior year in high school and I was grounded for the 7th time for getting caught drinking. I was allowed to go play basketball everyday after school with my friends, I just couldn’t go out at night. I played basketball everyday of my life from 8th grade until my senior year. Swimming was my true talent, but basketball was my true love.

There was a court near my house that had one regulation-sized hoop, and the other end had a hoop that was 6 inches low. Early in high school my friends and I would go there and try to dunk on the short rim. I was the shortest, and last to be able to do it. We would go and try every single day, then go home and do calf raises and other exercises to help in our goal. I was the last to be able to dunk on the low rim, but the first to be able to dunk on the regulation sized rim.

So, my 7th grounding ended and my first night out we went to play basketball. For the most part the games were me and my friends and a whole bunch of big ass black dudes. If we took team photos (and wore uniforms) this is what they would look like:

The short rimed side was people constantly trying to dunk, while the regulation side was normal b-ball. The regulation side almost never saw dunks except from the rare playground superstar (such as Cuttino Mobley who used to play at the court before he made the NBA). On my first night out I was especially hyped up and I was having a very good jumping night. In warm-ups I was dunking on the regulation rim without a problem. Shortly into the first game I was playing, I stole the ball and had a breakaway all by myself. I was in perfect position and went for the dunk. In a bizarre occurrence, I actually jumped too high and hit my wrist on the rim oddly and threw myself off balance.

I landed on my ass, breaking my fall with my wrist, and in turn I broke my wrist.

I went to the hospital to get it fixed where no orthopedic surgeon was on duty. My dad got pissed at the hospital for being short staffed, so he brought me home. Where I sat with a broken wrist for 3 days until my dad could find the best doctor who wasn’t affiliated with that hospital to fix it.

I had a full arm cast that whole summer. I learned to do everything left-handed. I continued to play basketball in 95 degree heat with a full arm cast. I improved my left-handed dribbling and I had the smelliest cast of all time. My full arm cast was eventually shortened to a forearm length cast, which was eventually removed.

My first night cast-free I was so excited. I went out and got drunk. And got caught for the 8th and final time. And was grounded for the rest of the summer. I quit drinking my entire senior year. I also still wipe my ass with my left hand.