Did the Irish invent time?

If not, what's up with "o'clock"?

Could you imagine the Starburst hanky panky that would take place if I had some of these?

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

a match made in heaven

Although I'm sad I've lost all my recent comments, I think haloscan and I will get along. I would appreciate it if everyone that has commented in the past 13 days could go back and recomment exactly what you said the first time. Thanks

Tim

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Dear Tim,
If you don't write something funny or interesting soon I'll dump your ass.

-Blogger

PS. You're my bitch

Dear Blogger,
Are you going to fuck with me again today? I'll dump your ass. I swear to God I will.

Tim

PS. I love you.

Worst day ever for blogger?

I think so.

First the twin towers, now this

According to published reports Russell Crowe was a target of an al-Qaida kidnapping plot. My previously unpublished side job is a spy and I'm going to reveal other plans al-Qaida hatched:

• Pamela Anderson's breast implants were going to be popped.
• That guy from Who's the Boss was going to be given a talk show (oops!)
• That show with the blind detective was going to be canceled
• Look Who's Talking Now Too was in development
• John Travolta's career was going to be sabatoged to go in the dumps then be revived with another "come back" movie
• Ashton Kucher was going to Punk Tony Blair

Need Help? I'm here for you

In 1997 I was arrested for DUI. I was at a friends party and foolishly decided I needed to go see my girlfriend and was pulled over for speeding. My blood alchohol level was .23. Yeah, I was wasted. Anyway, it’s 8 years later now and I just realized I never completed my community service. I was 5 minutes short. So I’m going to perform it here.

My community service will be to offer advice… I’ll be your Dear Abby of sort. Have you recently broken up with a boyfriend and need advice on how to cope? Ask me. Are you having trouble getting that pesky wine stain out of your underwear? Let me know, I can help. Lost a finger and can’t find it? I’ll locate it for you. Let me know what you need… I need to do 5 full minutes of work to get my license back. Thanks!

Morning Glorious

This morning I learned you can get really high by eating between 100 and 500 seeds of the flower Morning Glory. I wonder how the hell someone figured that out. Trial and error I can only assume. So, I went out to Home Depot and bought a bag of grass seed and downed about 700 of them. I'll let you know what happens later.

Weather report

Yesterday - 66°F

Today -Snow Showers 17° F


WTF?!?

can't wait!!

Two months from today I'll be flying home from Ireland where I'll be playing lots of golf , drinking lots of pints, doing no work, or thinking about other shite.

come on Tim, think of something to write dammit. Think of something. think. think. think. of something. dammit. something. of. think. something!!!! nothing.

Metrosexual vs. Heterosexual

I just had fun shopping... metro - 1, hetero - 0

at Home Depot... metro - 1, hetero - 1

for flowers and vegetables... metro - 2, hetero - 1

which I will be grilling during the summer... metro - 2, hetero - 2

then I got a hummer on the way home.* metro - 2, hetero - 3



*bold faced lie

Problem? Or maybe I just rule!

I just looked at a calander and realized in the 28 days of February I had 4 or more drinks 20 of those days. 16 of which were back to back to back to back...

That's hot

What kind of girls are dancing at this strip club that makes a guy want to do this?!?!?

Current Wedding Plans

• The reception will be held in my backyard. All 0.25 acres of it.
• BYOB
• Choice of Beef or Chicken - (McDonald's hamburger happy meal, or chicken nugget happy meal. NO cheeseburgers. NO milkshakes) Limited to the 1st 15 guests. Other guests BYOF.
• Anyone that wants to dance will have to bring their own ipod or other personal listening device.
• Flowers will be paper cut outs and will be provided by the kindergarten down the street.
• If you want to sit down at all, bring your own chair.
• We will be making our own cake. Actually, cupcakes. With no icing. Icing is too expensive.
• If you are invited, your invitation will be arriving in the mail shortly. Check your inbox. We can't afford stamps.
• You can back your truck into our driveway. That makes it easier for us to unload all the cash you'll be giving us.

5 Questions

I got this from Branshine. I don't do these blog questionaires too often, but I thought this one was cool. My questions won't be as good as her's, but I'll try.


Now, here are the rules for this Blog-a-thon. I'll offer to interview the next three (or so) people to respond to this post that will follow these rules:
1. Leave me (Tim) a comment saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions here. They will be different questions than the ones below.
3. You will update your blog/site with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

My Interview:

1.What was the last lie that you told and why did you tell it?
Four days before I asked titso to marry me we got into an argument about wanting to get married. We never fight, especially about that. She was getting upset and I lied and told her I wasn’t ready and she would have to wait until I was. I ordered the ring 3 days before that fight.
2. If you had to choose between a never being able to laugh again or never crying again which would you choose and why?
I’d never cry again. I’d have no fun on this blog, and I’d hate life if I couldn’t laugh. Plus, I never cry anyway… except to things like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
3. If you were in love with a person that contracted a deadly disease (not one you could catch though) would you want that person to tell you they were dying?
Yes, I’d want to know. I take life, and people, for granted. Knowing something like that would crush me, but it would make me enjoy my time with them, and would probably rollover to others too.
4. If we are destined to turn into our parents, which parent would you be and why.
Tough one. Both my parents are awesome. I guess I’d go with my mom. There are one or two things my dad has done in life that I wouldn’t want to do.
5. If you could change the outcome of any event in your life to date, what would you change and why?
In the beginning of my freshman year in college I was interested in two different girls (just hanging out with them). About a month into classes I hooked up with one of them on a Thursday night. The Friday night after we first hooked up the other girl dragged me home from a party and wanted to hook up. I told her I was interested in the other girl and that we had just hooked up the night before and I didn’t want to hurt anyone, so I left and went back to the party to meet up with the 1st girl. We ended up dating for 3 and a half years. If I could go back, I’d have waited and hooked up with the other girl first. I didn’t know until the spring she had such awesome hoo-ha’s.

Hello

I'm Johnny Depp. I do everything in my power to look ugly, but chicks still love me.