If I had a Million Dollars

I would buy myself two more heads. That way I'd have more brain power and would be able to post twice as many blogs.

Now, I know all you math experts are asking, "If Tim bought two more heads, he'd have three heads, so he could blog three times as much, right?" Wrong. I know that at all times one of the heads would be thinking about boobs or butts.

I was half-watching the oscars last night when Sean Penn came on and I thought to myself, "Was he even acting when he played the retarded guy in I Am Sam?"

Knock Knock

Who's there?
Satellite radio.
Satellite radio who?
I don't have a real joke here.

The only modern rock station in Philadelphia was pulled off the air to be replaced by a gospel station this morning. WHAT? THE? FUCK?

I'm going to have to get all my new music from MTV now. Oh no, wait, they only have reality tv and hip hop. In the words of the Boogie Down Productions, "Now tell me what the fuck am I supposed to do?"

I won! I got Third! :(

So, I won the inital plane survivor scenario today. I got the majority of 6 out of 12 votes for our plane. I moved onto the finals where me and six others got on the microphone and told our stories to the 90+ people in our total group. I'm not a public speaker, so that wasn't cool, but I ended up with 10 votes for a third place finish. I think I deserved 2nd. Here are the stories the top 7 came up with:

7th place lady completely stole the scene from 24 saying she had the code to avoid a nuclear meltdown. Her piracy was easily sniffed out.
6th place guy said he had 200 fish, 13 dogs, 12 cats, 4 chincillas, 8 chimpanzees, etc that would all die if he did.
5th place guy had a bad story about being a navy seal and a paratrooper and he could link all the plane seats together with the people in them and they'd all survive.
4th place guy had an elaborate story about how he was willing to take the bullet and take the parachute because he's a big chicken and it just so happened that when he bailed out of everything in his life there was never a problem, so by bailing out, everyone would end up safe.
3rd place was me*
2nd place was a fairly lame time machine inventor story
1st place was a kiss ass (and very funny) top 10 list incorporating people and functions within the company that would suffer from her demise. Everyone loves top 10 lists.

*my story:
"As some of you may have heard I just got engaged last week. So, if any of you have love in your hearts, you'll vote for me. For those of you that are heartless, I just want you to know that titso can't work the lawnmower. So, whichever of you that survive this crash, you're going to have to go to our house and mow my lawn once a week. Also, you're going to have to take out the trash, do the dishes, and as you can see, it's snowing outside right now so I expect the survivor to be at my house at around 5pm to shovel my driveway. So, in closing, if you have no love in your heart or you want to take over my chores, vote for someone else. Otherwise, Vote for Tim! Thank you."

Where have all the cowboys gone?

Libprincess/Ironpanties is taking a leave of absence. Jen bid adeu. I'm still not convinced Ironpants is back. Steimes hasn't posted in a while. Trish just went away for a few weeks. Michel is MIA.

Come on people! What do we all suddenly have lives outside of blogger.com?!?!? Take me with you! Please!!!

guilt trip

My current plea for the parachute. I'm going to have to tell whoever doesn't pick me that they have to go over my house and mow my lawn once a week because titso doesn't know how to use the mower. Plus do the dishes after dinner every night. Plus satisfy her in every way I do. Oh wait, that's not a good plan.

huh?

I just sent and email to someone who's first name was Kshitija. I dare you to try to pronounce that. I see a curse word or two in there.

Fun at Work?!??!

Today we got an email in which we are actually being encouraged to use our creativity! And with a chance to win $50. It's like Christmas! Well, it's nothing like Christmas, but I don't hate work right now. Here's the deal:

We are being split up into 7 teams of 13 people each. We are being put on a imaginary planes which are running out of gas in the middle of the atlantic ocean. There's 1 parachute with a raft and life preserver in each plane. 1 person from each plane will be saved. We have 1 minute to explain why we should be the one to get the parachute. The winner from each plane gets $25, the grand winner gets $50.

I know most of the people in this competition. I know they are boring and will probably use the sympathy family angle. I need to come up with a good angle. We're encouraged to tell the truth, or to lie. I chose to lie. Can anyone give me a good lie? Here's my inital thoughts:

1. I've never revealed it to anyone at work, but I am the choosen one. I was placed on this earth to save the world from a massive ladybug attack that will be taking place in a month. So, either I die today, or the world dies in a month.
2. Dammit, I can't think of anything else.

Question of the Day*

If there was a machine that taped your dreams which you could then watch on a VCR, but you could only watch the dreams when you are in front of your friends and family, would you buy it?

I wouldn't. Most of my dreams are about porn. My mom hates porn.


*question stolen from the book Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs.

Tonight's Poker Winner is

Titso. Yup, My fiance won it all. $50 cold hard cash.

bitch.

I might have malaria

After finding out the mosquitos in Dominican Republic have malaria, we were freaking out at every one we saw. I just looked up the symptoms, and they are as follows: At the onset of malaria, bouts of chills and fever lasting several hours and occurring every three or four days are the usual symptoms.

Great, sounds like I have it.

The only way I don't have it might be that the chills might be related to the hour of shoveling I did before work this morning and the self induced "fever" of working the 1st day back from vacation. If I drop dead, it was nice knowing you. Well, some of you. A few of you are pricks and I wouldn't invite you to my funeral if you paid me.

Punta Cana

The
Good

The
Bad

The
Ugly

My cat missed the hell out of me.

She said Yes!

Then she said "oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God..."

So, sorry ladies, but I'm offically off the market.

Market de la Tim is closed.

soooooooo

Earlier in the week I mentioned I was thinking about something else. While it turned out to not be the most extravagant thing in the world, what I came up with was “I love…”

I think I’ve written some creative stuff on this blog in the past few months, but romance has never been a strong point of mine (surprise, surprise). So I wanted to come up with something nice for Kym. Yes, titso’s real name is Kym. Yes, our names rhyme. Yes, that’s very gay. Anyway, what I came up with was “I love…”

Last night after Kym left work I went out bought a dozen roses. I left one rose on her desk with a little note that said “I love…” then I said some things I love about her that I won’t bore you with. I talked to another friend at work and left the other 11 roses on her desk for the time being. So, this morning Kym got it and thought it was cute and was happy, but thought nothing more of it. At 10:30 I had a friend deliver her 2 more roses with another note with the “I love…” theme. At 11:15 I had him deliver 3 more of the roses with another “I love…” card.

About 30 seconds after I post this blog I am going to take the remaining 6 roses and deliver them myself. This time the note will say “I love… how I’m the luckiest person in the world. I love how I want to spend the rest of my life with you…” At which time my epileptic seizure level nerves will take over and I will drop to one knee, and well, you know the rest….

Hell, it can’t all be starburst porn and talking about my own ass, can it?

new commenting page

I like it. I give just about my first thumbs up to blogger.com!

48 hours till sunshine, or scattered showers. Whatever. 48 hours till I'll be lying on a beach, or in a pool, or sitting at a pool bar sipping a cerveza or a margarita relaxing the shit out of myself.

Bite this

Every time I see that starburst commercial I want to punch my TV. Fuckin copycatting bitches.

And the Winner is... Me

Last night I won the texas hold em tournament we ran. Yeah, I ran it and I played in it and I won it. I promise I didn't cheat. Only when I dealt did I pull the aces out of my sleeves. Also, my friends and I had a pre super bowl game in which I won. So, basically, I rule.

It's been 3 years since you looked at me

Today is the 3 year aniversary of the day titso and I met at a chinese resturaunt. We had been working on a project for about a month before that but in different buildings 40 minutes apart. Our bosses were friends and they decided to get all of our groups together for a lunch. At the time, I didn't know it but they were trying to set us up. Her boss had been telling her she would think I was cute, my boss never said a word. I had no idea she was my age and she thought I sounded like a 60 year old man on the phone.

So we all met for lunch and convientently the only open seat when she sat down was next to me. We never talked. I said "You're titso?" "she said "yeah", I said "hi, I'm Tim" she said "yeah". For most people if I introduce myself, then thats more conversation than you'll ever get from me. I later found out her quietness was due to the fact that her boss was right about me. (But she'll never admit it) She hasn't been quiet since.

That was a Friday and the following Monday she emailed me about the project with a little opening of personal conversation. That escalated and 2 weeks later she was broken up with her boyfriend, and the rest goes down in infamy, er history.