Dead Presidents*

I completely forgot today (yesterday) was the best holiday of the year. Good old el presidente’s day. I thought I’d honor our nation’s presidents by posting pictures I have of myself with them. Me and a few pres’s hanging out having fun.

Me and Georgie hanging out, trying to decide between Ace of Base and The Monkees.



I invited Ronnie to my wedding. What a jokester!




* Not all presidents pictured are dead yet

The west coast is the worst coast

Our "direct" flight stopped in Kansas City to fill up on gas because the winds were so high it couldn't make it all the way. Not only did the stop add about 45 minutes to the flight, the high winds added another hour and 15 minutes. So, we landed in LA at 3pm pst. But at least it was sunny and beautiful, right? No, it's about 12 degrees here. And a 28 mile drive to the hotel took 2 hours because of traffic. If I never come back to LA again it will be too soon. Plus, I'm working and I'd rather just go to the commerce casino. Quarter goes to everyone who comments while I'm still at the office today.

Offcycle blogging

Tomorrow I travel all day, then I work from 12pm-12am Saturday, 10am-10pm Sunday, 5pm-5am Monday, 5pm-5am Tuesday. That's a lot of time in front of my computer where people will not be blogging, so I need to hire people to blog during those time periods to entertain me if and when I get bored. .25$/hour. Apply Within.

Out of Office

Don't be jealous that your s.o. don't got skills like this

I only came up with 10 cards. Thanks for your help, I used several suggestions. Titso will wake up with these scattered all over the house tomorrow morning. (First time using my scanner, these didn't all scan too well.)

cont'd

(I use TONS of Lubriderm. All over my body and as a hair product)






(Inside didn't scan. Says "Santa is Jealous because you are my Valentine. Love,Tim")

My Grammy Acceptance Speech

Wow, I never expected to win. It was an honor to be nominated. When I started my music career, I never thought I’d make it far enough to win the Grammy for Best Song Person Maker Ever. I just want to thank a few people. First, I want to thank God for giving me the talent it takes to be such a good song person maker. Second, I want to thank MC Hammer. (This is where I would break into the Hammer dance for about 3 or 4 minutes.) That’s all, thanks. (Then I moon the crowd.)

Valentines Day

I stay up later than Titso every night. She wakes up earlier than me. So, I was thinking for Valentines Day next week, before I go to bed I’m going to leave little cards all over the house for her to read when she wakes up in the morning. And in typical Tim fashion, they will be home made cards. And definitely not the fancy homemade cards Thizzle makes. They will be pretty much the same quality as my MS Paint drawings. I bought a 24 pack of construction paper yesterday. Once I buy some magic markers, I’ll start. My plan is to make 24 different cards(won’t happen). They will all be horrible, but sweet. These are some ideas I have so far:

I will draw a picture of a cool dude. The front will say, “This is Blake.” The inside will say “Blake would have married you if I didn’t because you’re so cool. Love, Tim”

The front of a black piece of construction paper I will draw just a pair of eyes. And, of course, I will have to point out “This is me.” The inside will be the same eyes, except you will also be able to see the full me, with a big smile and a flower. “My world is brighter when you are around. Love, Tim”

I will draw a picture of Titso, Jessica Simpson, Angelina, and Jessica Biel. The inside will say “If I were on a train and could sit next to anyone, I would choo-choo-choose you. Love, Tim”

I will draw the set of the old tv game show “Let’s Make a Deal.” The inside will say “If I were on Let’s Make a Deal and you were behind door number 1, I would NOT make a deal to see what’s behind Door 2. Love, Tim”



I need more ideas. The ideas can be as bad as possible.

A Thursday post

Last night I was going to do an audio blog on my way to dealing poker, but I forgot. It wasn’t going to be anything exciting, I was just going to talk about yesterday’s post. As with a lot posts, I think of ideas when I’m on different internet sites and they spark ideas. My idea for yesterday went as follows: “Maybe I’ll make cartoons that I’ll ask people to protest. Oh, and maybe they’ll be talking shit about my blog, but I’ll insist that’s not the reason I’m protesting them.” So, I opened up MSPaint to draw my cartoons. And boy, you should have seen the ideas in my head. I’m Leonardo Da Vinci in my head. The bunny is fuzzy and cute, the hooker is super skanky with a cold sore or something, the flying shit people are in the middle of a city with details abound. Then as soon as my mouse starts drawing, I laugh at myself at how bad they are, which I think makes it even funnier. My brother is an artist and I’m jealous, but at the same time, I think the retardedness of the drawings makes for a good post.

I’m still trying to determine if I’m a pervert or not. The other night I was on youtube.com and looking at all the videos on there and I love this homemade video so much that I actually went out and bought the Pixies cd with this song. I don’t think I’m a sex pervert, but I figured that by using the words sex, and homemade video in a post, I could get more hits. Want to know a good way to get more hits? Post a link to the naked brad pitt picture. I get about 20 hits a day from this link. Talk about perverts!


****
UPDATE

I once had a theory I was afraid to post because I thought it was stupid. Here's the theory... ever hear the game "Six Degree of Kevin Bacon" where any actor in hollywood can be linked to Kevin Bacon through 6 or less movies? My theory is "Six Degrees of Blogger Nation." I honestly feel that any blogger that links to people can be linked to any other blogger on the internet through 6 links or less. The theroy could never be proved, so I never mentioned it. Anyway, the reason I write it now is that on that brad pitt link, I clicked on the 1st picture and that person links to Melissa just like I do. So, I think my theory is right! I bet you can't disprove me.

Offensive cartoons?

The protests of those stupid Islamic cartoons is all over the news. I went and read them and didn't really see the problem. But, while I was looking for these cartoons, I stumbled across several other HIGHLY offensive cartoons. How these cartoons are even in existence is beyond me. Basically, I'm asking my fellow bloggers to join me in a bloggers protest of these cartoons. I don't want to post too many of them because the content is so outrageuos, but I will post a few just so you know where I'm coming from.

The first is a cartoon I found called "The Happy Bunny":


This is so completely offensive because this bunny doesn't look happy at all. The title is an outright slap to the reader's face.

The second I came across was called "High Heels":


Obviously, this woman is a hooker. I don't think "High Heels" refers to her shoes (although her shoes are, in fact, nice high heels). I think this refers to some sort of sexual position, and we can't have our children reading this garbage.

The third I found is called "What is it?"




Even without our protest, I don't see this cartoon lasting very long. Shit can't fly. It will hit the ground, and the cartoon will have nowhere to go from there. Like this blog.

Something?

I’ve got nothing to say. Rather than take up your time by posting something stupid, I’m just not going to post anything at all. Sometimes when I don’t have anything to say, I’ll make a post about my life or something else boring, just to give people something to read. But, I know people don’t want to read that crap. I’m not going to do that today. Today, I will post nothing rather than bore you with something stupid. I racked my brain for at least 3 minutes this morning. I tried and tried and tried to come up with something entertaining. But, the simple fact of it is, I’ve got nothing to offer you that will entertain you. So, I won’t even try today. Sometimes I’ll write and write about something, and it will bore you. Not today. Today I write nothing. I wouldn’t want to jeopardize our friendship by writing something that will not make you laugh. Today, by not posting, I’m doing so for you. My faithful reader. My faithful reader who comes here hoping to read something that will make you laugh. I promise, for today only, I will not write something that will not make you laugh. I will not write something like this.

Super Bowl Commercials!

Just like I’ve done every year (except last year) after the super bowl, today I will review the commercials from last night. The average cost of the commercials was $2.3 million or something like that. And today I will go through them and tell you my favorites…

1. I think there was one with talking animals. Or some sort of animals that had human characteristics. I can’t remember who’s ad that was though. Home Depot maybe?

2. There was one with a sexy woman. I think she didn’t have all her clothes on, or maybe they were about to fall off. Something like that. I know she was definitely trying to act sexy though. I was in the other room getting a beer, so I didn’t see this one. I think that ad was for Viagra or something.

3. There was definitely one that was related to football. I think that there were people playing football, then something funny might have happened? Something funny happened, or something dramatic that brought a tear to your eye. Yeah, I think that’s what happened. I’m pretty sure that ad was for Visine.

4. I think there was one with a big name superstar. Maybe Britney Spears? Or Hilary Duff? One of those hip girls all the people love. I think that ad was for Chik-fil-a. I didn’t see the end of the commercial because I was finishing a beer.

5. There was an ad that was patriotic. It had like nice music and maybe some slow motion? There were definitely people crying in this commercial. I think a puppy died? Maybe not, I can’t remember. The pigs-in-a-blanket had just come out of the oven so I only saw this commercial out of the corner of my eye.

6. There was the soft drink commercial that the company wanted everyone to remember. They planned it out and they waited for the best time. I think the first commercial of the game. It was quiet, then something funny happened, then the person (or maybe a monkey?) drank some Tab, held it up, smiled and winked at the camera. That was my favorite commercial. I love Tab.

The Birds

Since Pittsburgh is just a short drive away, one might think I’d be rooting for the Steelers to win this weekend. Not true. Why you ask? Because when I was in Seattle I went to a Seahawks game. That’s pretty much all it takes. I saw them play once in their stadium, so I want them to win. Stupid I know, but I also think that Steelers fans are annoying. Which is also a reason for me to root against them. More annoying than Eagles fans when we don’t suck? Not even close. This post sucks.

Are you sick of the below post yet?

Outted!

Well, last night my good friend G.W outted me. After he tagged me last week I thought we were friends. Apparently not. He told the whole world I'm addicted to oil. My addiction started out harmless. Oil was just something I drank on the weekends with my friends...


Then, a guy I had been hanging with told me you get a better high if you snort it. So I gave it a try...



the rush was amazing, but after a while I needed more. I started shooting it and became addicted...



But, now that the pres has done this intervention, I'm seeking help. James Frey gave me the name of a good place.

Time to piss a few people off

I've done this before, but most have changed. Instead of waiting for me to post something today, go read the alphabet...

Armaedes
Beebers
Conti
Dickandchick
Ethel
Farfromgood
Great one, oh
Horribly unwitty
Isitserenitynow
Jacob
Kap, happy
Lipsticklulu
Mel
Nonsense, basically
Odonnellrulz
Popo
Qop
RitMeyer
Snozzberries
The Lemonade Diaries
Ups and downs of a Domestic Godess
Viewlulu
Whatsupchuck
X
Young, willing, eager
Zarconia, ruby, and baby’s other jewels


If I missed your blog, and you can figure out how to get into X, go for it!

My Arch Nemisis

I know that Brad Pitt is better looking than me. As much as I hate to admit it, I will. He’s prettier, sexier, more fit, and his penis is probably bigger than mine.

He’s richer, he dresses better, he has better hair, and he’s probably funnier than me. He’s a better dancer, actor (debatable), and singer than me. He probably has better teeth, better skin, and better toenails than me. He’s more manly than me and more metrosexual than me at the same time.

If there’s anything, any one thing in this world I thought I was better than Brad Pitt at, it was getting chicks pregnant. I had my wife knocked up within 48 hours of making her my wife. I totally fucking kick ass at getting chicks pregnant. I HAD to be better than Brad Pitt at that.

BUT, it turns out Angelina is due 3 weeks before Titso. And Brad and Angelina didn’t announce they were together until like December, so he somehow impregnated her just by looking at her because I know they wouldn’t lie to the public and be together before they said they were. I hate Brad Pitt.

Fun bags

Three years ago my cousin decided to take a chance and start a new company. She quit her job and started making high-end women’s golf bags. It was a great idea because for the most part, women’s golf bags aren’t stylish and we all know how much women love all kinds of bags.

Anyway, she’s on her third year now and the new line came out over the weekend. She names all her bags after girl’s names and this year she named one after Titso, one after my sister-in-law and one after my niece. Her company's website is all flash, so I couldn’t figure out how to copy a picture here, so you’ll just have to go check them out. Click on Cart bags. The Kimberly is Titso, my SIL is Carrie, and my niece is Jamie. And if you golf and you’re rich, buy one bitches!

Fresh new look for (1/27/)06!

Big props to TinaPoPo for making me a new template. Go visit her and tell her she rocks. She'll give you a hummer if you play your cards right. (just give her a dollar or two)

I lost all my comments, but that's fine. Haloscan loses them all after a few months anyway.

Also, while designing this TPP asked for no input, she just did what she thought would be me. In doing this she accidentily revealed that she sneaks into my house when I'm not there and sleeps in my bed. This is a picture of my bedsheets...


coincidence? I think not.

Embracing local customs

The area I moved to last year has had a population explosion in the past 10 or so years. New developments are being built all over the place. My development has 100 houses which each have ¼ acre of land. But, right across the street are homes that existed before the boom that all have about 3 acres of land. The people in my development leave for work in the morning in their SUV’s and they drop the kids off at daycare. The people in the homes across the street leave in the morning in their pickups and go huntin’. Along with all the new homes, there are new businesses that cater to the newer crowd. There are also some old school business with the local crowds.

Since we moved in last year I had been driving the 40 minutes back to my old hood to get my haircut. I know and trust the person who has been doing my hair for years. It’s very difficult to make a change. Yesterday I finally decided to go to somewhere closer. I went on the internet and looked up the place closest to my house. I stopped by on my way home. As I pulled in, it was very obvious I was stepping into a “locals” establishment. As I walked in the shop, the owner’s dog greeted me at the door while his bird had open range to fly anywhere it wanted inside the shop. I sat down with a deer head mounted on the wall above me, a prized trout mounted to the wall and a taxidermied (is that a word?) fox sat in the window. I was supporting the locals and proud of it. My only concern was whether or not it was safe to get a haircut from a guy with a mullet.

4 reviews and an observation

4 reviews of the only 4 sitcoms I watch:

How I Met Your Mother - Totally fucking gay. I never laughed once while watching the show. But I love it.

Arrested Development - Balls out funny. But canceled.

My Name is Earl - Again, I never laugh while watching this show. But, still I watch.

The Office - I belly laugh. Then I love it more because Jim reminds me of me.

Observation:


Apparently my ex died and now her vagina makes wine:

I'm only posting because TinaPoPo complained

Yesterday I met with our Activities Committee to discuss the Charity Hold Em tournament. We decided it would be run in March over a few day’s lunches. It’s going to be $20/person with a yet-to-be-determined ‘nominal’ prize for the winner. The Committee fears giving out anything good because it would look like it’s condoning gambling… which it’s not. They were talking about a trophy, which might be funny to have. I suggested a good free prize would be giving the winner the premium Employee of the Month parking spot. I hope they step up and get something worthwhile, but we’ll see. BUT, it doesn’t seem to matter to people because 28 people already replied to an initial email yesterday saying they’d be in regardless of a prize. With the company matching 100% of all charitable donations, I will be raising around $1200 for the charity of the winner’s choice based on the first response. Go me!

I just peed. I shook and shook, but as soon as I zipped up I felt wetness all the way down on my shins. I don’t know how that happened. Maybe because that’s where my penis ends…

My ABW theme song

Taggeded

I normally don't do these, but one of my good friends tagged me, so I thought I'd answer them to the best of his liking. He made the tag up himself.


List 3 Colors
Green
Red
Giraffe

List 3 words that rhyme
Log
Dog
Rog

List 3 things that are sticky
situations
tape
icky

Music
This isn’t even a question

List 3 Colors
We already did this one

List 3 round things
the world
balls
robin

List 3 days
Monday
Tuesday
Someday

List 3 of your favorites
Pizza
Bowling
Fun

I tag the first 45 people to read this.

I didn't miss blogging while I was gone.

Research

Please vote on your favorite

1. water
2. food
3. air
4. sneezing
5. nudity
6. going to the bathroom
7. eyebrows
8. Shakira
9. anticipation
10. doing the robot

Thursday, January 19, 2006

- Leaving work at 3 today to go to Florida for a long weekend with my parents. My brother, his wife and my niece left this morning. It's going to be a lot of fun to spend a lot of time with everyone, especially Jamisen.
- We’ll be golfing while there. My mom and dad both golf. Last Wednesday my dad called and said he just got a hole in one. Yesterday my mom called and told me she just got a hole in one. Pretty fucking nuts.
- I hate blogging when I can’t think of anything to write. I put too much pressure on myself to come up with something funny, which generally makes me less inclined to come up with something funny.
- I’m pretty much doing no work at all today, so you better all get to blogging so I have something to do.
-I don't care what language you speak, this first letter, is not a letter.

Don't be a Ritard

No retakes today. One recording, then I posted and I don't care if it sucks.

Husband of the Year

I always forget how old Titso is. Someone just asked me and I said, “She’s 27. No… wait, she’s 28.” Then they walked away and I started thinking she might be 29. I’m really not sure right now.

Wild and Crazy Bachelor

Because of fellow bloggers talking about last week's Bachelor, I figured I'd watch it this week. Here's my analysis of the remaining ladies.


Tara - "Hello. My is Tara. I'm crazy. I already have a rose, but I'm going to stalk the bachelor and try to ruin some other girl's birthday. Did I mention I'm crazy?"

Jehan - Jihad is crazy. She was named after a holy war. Nothing spells Crazy like J-E-H-A-N.

Jennifer - I'm not sure I even remember Jennifer being on the show. The only thing I remember about her was that she was crazy.

Sarah - "Helllo, I'mb Sarah. I've been drunking a lot tonight. Pleeze make out widt me? Pleeease kizz me! I'm craaazy!"

Sarah - The only reason anyone remembers Sarah is because she's from the same town as the bachelor. What town you ask? Crazytown.

Moana - I swear they were calling this girl Milania. She's got the "I'm not really interested" act down pat. What I see is "Maybe if I act disinterested, he won't think I'm crazy. But I am."

Shiloh - Again, not too sure this girl was even on the show. Call me crazy, but I swear she was just a camerman that he gave a rose to. (I also think this girl looks just like Filan.)

UPDATE!!

I forgot about this girl...

Susan - I don't know how I forgot about this girl because she's crazy. Crazy hot. She's going to win because she'd the hottest.

1st loser

I promise to write something more entertaining later today (or tomorrow, or Wednesday or Thursday), but for now I will talk about poker. I played yesterday and took 2nd out of 81 players. While that is good, I was chip leader going into heads up (about 4500 to 3600) and I should have won. Blinds were 400-800 by that point so after losing 2800 in the first 3 hands I was a big underdog. The company that runs all the local games in the area announced they’re giving away a free seat to the WSOP main event next year. An $11,000 prize package for playing free poker. Pretty sweet. I need to get better. Unfortunately the Quarterly Tournament of Champions event I qualified for this weekend, I can not attend because I’m going to Florida. (anyone live near Naples?) So, I will not be able to win a free trip to Vegas with private lessons from Scott Fishman. Oh well. I’ll just save up my luck and skills and take home the WSOP. Sorry for the boring poker post.

Goin back to Cali

Who from California wants to hang out? I have to go out to the West Hills/Calabasas area next month for a long weekend. Do I have any readers from that neck of the woods? Is English the main language all the way over there?

Tagged in a Weird place

Joo tagged me with this before I think. Now Rit tagged me, so I'll do it because I have nothing else to write or say right now.

"The first player of this game starts with the topic five weird habits of yourself and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals."

5 Weird habits

1. You know the old saying “he puts his pants on one leg at a time just like you”? Well, I don’t. I hold my pants out in front of me then I jump in them both legs at the same time. Sometimes I miss and fall, but it’s worth it. Someday someone’s going to say that stupid saying to me and I’ll quickly correct them.
2. I go through the same ritual every morning. I wake up then I start brushing my teeth while I pee. I weigh myself, then I measure my penis.
3. When I drive into work in the morning I cover one eye with one hand. I know I will lose one eye someday so I’m just preparing myself.
4. Crack
5. I’m extremely vain. Every time I pass a mirror I need to look at myself in it. I need to take my shirt off and look at myself in it.

It's a sad, sad day for the Internets

The Internets will be Timless today. I've been busy as hell all morning and I've got training all afternoon. The Internets might see Tim tonight, but the Porn Internets will take up most of Tim's time.

If you hate poker and giving money to charity then don't read this

A few weeks ago our building’s Activity Team sent out a survey asking people which of the past year’s activities you enjoyed and asked for suggestions for the upcoming year. The results were then sent out. One person had a write in suggestion of having a charity Texas Hold Em tournament. I saw that and replied to the Activity team that I’d be interested in that as well and since I used to (and kinda still do) have a side job running Hold Em tournaments, I’d be willing to help out. Much to my anti-social dismay, they replied saying they’d love help and they would discuss it at their next meeting. I just received a call and was asked to come to the meeting in 2 weeks to pitch “my” idea.

So, here’s where I’m needing your help. She said they haven’t yet received a budget, so she didn’t know what they’d be able to offer to help. She said all money could go to the charity of the winner’s choice. Is that incentive enough for you to play? How much would you be willing to play for? $5? $10? $20? “My” pitch would be a lot easier if I could get them to agree to give the winner something half decent like premium Phillies tickets, or a nice dinner or something of that sort. If you’re playing for charity, is it wrong to need a prize for the winner, or should the good naturedness of it be enough? Can anyone offer me any suggestions as to what I could do that would make you more willing to play? Anything that might get non-players to donate money?

Why I live in the best state in the Union

More Pennsylvanians have visited my site in the last 100 visits than any other state in the whole entire world. And that’s not even including myself. Why? Because every other state is a pansy ass. Yep, your state, especially Wyoming (0 visits!), is a pansy!

Just like when Columbus discovered America

My normal alarm goes off around 7:30am. I can get dressed and be in the office in a half hour. This morning I set my alarm for 5:45am, went out to my car and listened to the 1st Stern on Sirius for an hour and a half. I just discovered I’m really fucking grumpy today. And that may, or may not, be the reason why.

A lot of things I hear around the office

Make me glad I'm not a nerd.

Hoodie Friday Quiz Time!!

OK, and now, your weekly edition of Hoodie Friday Quiz Time! Today's Quiz:

Can you spot the difference in these two pictures?

The life of a single married man

With Titso on the west coast this week I’ve been left to fend for myself. And what I’ve been fending off all week is the boredom of not much new on tv. So, I’ve gone out to at least one bar a night every night this week to play poker. And I have not touched the pile of dishes in the sink. And I have not touched the pile of laundry stacked to the ceiling. And Titso just called to let me know she caught an early flight and will be home before me today. And I think I’m going to be in trouble.

Winner!

The Employee of the Month for January: Somebody Else.


What the fuck does a guy have to do to get some recognition around here? I worked every damn day last month. Except the holidays and a few other days that I took off. I may as well be a housewife if all my hard work is going to go unnoticed.

A question

With Kym in LA this week I need something to do tonight. I’ll probably play poker again, but I was wondering if maybe you wanted to come over instead? We could open up a bottle of wine. Watch some football. Tell some jokes. We could laugh. We’ll have a good time. So, I’ll see you around 7ish?

Two lists

Reasons I hate making Starburst Porn
1. sticky
2. difficult
3. time consuming
4. usually takes a few weeks to think of things to do
5. I get just as many comments as a post I think up in 14 seconds
6. Makes me somewhat pathetic

Reasons I love making Starburst Porn
1. Its starbursts, and it’s porn.

The best of ohhh 5

What better way to start a year off than with porn? Starburst style. I went through and picked out all my favorite* songs of 2005 and created Starburst representation of them.

You can try to guess what the songs are before clicking on them. Clicking on them brings you to a new window with the answer on them. Hope you enjoy!

* - totally not my favorite songs of 2005. Just the best translated.



































Shout out to imageshack for hosting the pictures in this way.

Fucking Finally!

I finally fucking finished putting together all that fucking office furniture. Fuck yeah!

before:

during:


fucking finally:

I don't want a sad funeral

If this happens to be my last post of 2005, I don’t want your tears. When I move on to 2006 I want you to be happy. Celebrate, don’t commiserate. I don’t want people standing up and giving a sad eulogy remembering my 2005 and wishing I was still around. I want my last post of 2005 to be a party. I lived a happy 2005. I have nothing to regret in 2005. I’ll be in a better place in 2006. Don’t cry for me Argentina.

I need your help

Can you get on this site right now?

meetme.hotornot.com/keyword/starburst


It's blocked from my work, but for some reason I just googled starburst porn* and this came up. I'm wondering if someone stole my porn and claimed it as thier own.


* joo - I'm very touched that you've listed starburst porn as one of your interests in your profile. I can't remember if I ever saw that before.

Bore-a-phil's 2005 in review

I've been doing actual work this mornign, so I didn't think of anything to write. So, I'm stealing Heather's post idea which she stole from someone else.

The first sentence on the first post of each month of the year:



January – “Drink less *” - A new years resolution. The “*” indicated it had already been broken.



February – “As promised, last night I held a peeing contest with my cat.” - I must have been drunk when I wrote that.



March – “I'm Johnny Depp.” - Seriously, I am.



April – “Last night I went online and watched the flash cartoon that kid that just went crazy and killed all those people at his school made.” - Did I get political? No.



May – “I'm such a loser.” - I’m surprised I don’t start every post off with this sentence.



June – “Last night I had my first nightmare about my wedding.” - That post was too long to re-read. I think it had something to do with Titso getting pregnant on our wedding night. Thank God that didn’t…



July – “Titso had the first of her two wedding showers last weekend.” - Wow, I’m boring.



August – “Welp, we moved this weekend.” - Why does anyone read this crap?



September – “I'll tell you what, you do a lot of fucking walking when you go to Italy.” - Please kill me.



October – “Finally saw Wedding Crashers” - Who cares?



November – “It started slow.” - It’s ending even slower.


December – “I haven't done MSPaint in forever (2 weeks), so after reading about Conti’s desire to dunk, I thought I'd share a story and do some MSPainting.” - Redemption!

You don't have to read this, it's boring

I read a lot. Well, not really. I read at lunch everyday because I’m antisocial. I’ve probably read about 5 bad books in a row now. I start to read them, they suck, but I usually end up finishing them in hopes of a redemption that never comes.

My mom gives out prizes at the bowling party and my prize was a book. Paul and his book club are not going to be happy with me, but it’s an Oprah book club book called A Million Little Pieces. I started reading it at lunch and I think I’m really going to like it. Thank F’ing God I finally got something that makes me want to waste even more time out of my workday.

No Xenu for you!

A few weeks ago my brother had the first baby in the family. In a remarkable coincidence, Jennifer Garner-Affleck gave birth (after a year and a half long pregnancy) on the same day. So, I started thinking that we might have a similar awesome shared birthday with Tom Cruise's fake baby. Katie and Tom announced thier implantation at right around the same time we found out Titso was knocked up. If our baby shared the same birthday as the next coming of L Ron Hubbard, then we'd surely be one of the first to join the scientologist spaceship when the planet finally explodes. But, unfortunately it looks like Katie Holmes has gone from 5 months pregnant to 13 months pregnant in the past few weeks:

Please be on vacation this week

I need to do work. I’ve been procrastinating on a certain project of mine for a few weeks now. I was pushing it back to this week because I knew I’d have time to get it done. And I don’t feel like doing it. So, blogs are the only things that will keep me from it. So please don’t blog this week. Thank you.

My Christmas was good. The 5th annual O’D bowling party was yesterday. A cousin’s new boyfriend had both the high game and the high series. Nobody liked him. After bowling we headed back to our house where all 41 of us drank, ate, laughed, watched our wedding video, my mom dance on Ellen, and Lazy Sunday countless times. I wish I had exciting stories to tell, but I don’t.

Now, get me back to work!

Happy Christmas!

I hate the word "merry". After a 3 hour doctor's appointment at lunch, we're being let go early. Have a good one.

A storm is brewing

There’s this creepy guy I know. He’s nice, just a little weird. Doesn’t seem to have many friends. This morning Titso received and email from Creepy:


Hi Titso,

How does it feel to be pregnant?

-Creepy



She immediately forwarded it to me. I laughed and wished her good luck. She was nice:

Wonderful! I love it!



Not a good move if you ask me. She got an instant reply:


You look wonderful also, you are the prettiest pregnant woman I ever saw,,, don't tell anyone I told you though.



HA! Looks like I might have to give a beat down to some one moving in on my preggo wife!

Construction delays

The Great Furniture Construction of ’05 had a setback last night. We (Titso) determined that the walls of the office needed to be touched up (completely repainted) before we (I) built the furniture in there. So we (just me because pregnant women aren’t supposed to paint) had to do that last night before beginning. We (I) painted the room and then was only able to put together the sweet ass leather chair. The project is slated to rebegin tonight as soon as we (I) get home from work (after I climb on the roof to replace icicle lights that burnt out). I took a before picture and I will be sure to post my masterpieces when complete.

Hammertime!

Every year around Christmas my family has a bowling party. Generally about 30 or so cousins and aunts and uncles come, bowl, argue, get drunk, have fun. It’s this Monday. Since Titso and I moved into a new house over the summer, the after party is at our house so the extended family can all check it out. The problem with this is that the house we moved into is way too big to furnish and decorate right away. So, in order to help resolve this, my parents bought us office furniture for Christmas this year. It arrived yesterday in 6-100 pound boxes. So, for the next 5 days, I’ll be trying to put together furniture. Who wants to help?

Do these jeans make my butt look big?

They say a woman becomes more emotional when she’s pregnant for some hormones reason. I wonder if a study has ever been done to test guys out. Because I just went home for lunch and Titso had tivo’d some birthing show and I watched it and I got choked up. I think my estrogen levels are high.

It could also be because we have a current scare with the pregnancy. I’m not going into details, but if you pray, say a prayer for me, if you cross your fingers, cross your fingers for me, and if you masturbate, masturbate with thoughts of me.

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda

Last night I was lying in bed and looked at the clock. It was 12:34. “Make a wish!” I said to myself. I can’t remember what I wished for but I realized something. I love my wife to death, but if I ever met Heidi Klum I totally could have married her. I was watching tv and flipped on an old episode of Who Wants to be a Millionaire. It was the supermodel edition. Heidi had brought her husband with her for support. This is what that atrocity looked like:





And, of course, we all know this is what she’s currently married to:





I could have bagged a supermodel. Dammit.

H-8-RRRR

You're all a bunch of haters. IT took me hours to create (download from blogskins.com) that template. You were all just jealous of the Hil.

ALL HIL! ALL THE TIME!!!

OMG!!! I've decided to make my blog an all Hilary Duff blog. OMG! I'm so excited!! I can't wait to start writing about Hilary! What do you guys think?!?!? OMG!! I'm so xcited! ALL HIL! ALL THE TIME!!!

my day of shopping

I woke up at 11am. I watched the price is right. The final showcase had a corvette. The guy bid 31K and the price was 53K. He lost. I logged on to my computer and read some blogs. I bought two things online. I have to go eat lunch. This shopping thing is exhausting.

Are two of my favorite words actually the same word?

Did you know that the word “finish” is spelled the exact same way as the word “penis” if you get rid of the “fi” in the beginning and the “h” at the end and you add a “pe”?

more on that...

So, last night I won my Tuesday night poker tournament again. I outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted 41 other people. I’ve now won 3 of the last four weeks and got 4th place the other time. It’s ridiculous. That just doesn’t happen. The general consensus was that I am the greatest (luckiest) poker play of all time. I was bought shots and drinks and I accepted them wholeheartedly. Only because today is a short day for me. I leave at 2:30 to go to the baby doctor to hear the heartbeat. Then off to the same bar I play poker at for my unofficial company party. My cool manager is taking the group (20+ of us) out. The party is not in the budget so she’s paying for it herself. So, I start drinking the hangover off in a few hours. Then I’m off for the rest of the week to shop. What a blast that is going to be.

Eureka!

I just remembered what I was going to tell you on my auido post yesterday. I was going to tell you I was wearing a new pair of pants. As it turns out, it wasn't as important as I originally thought it to be.

In other news, I have to go to the bathroom.

In other news, I have been given a voice in an upper managerial decision as to whether I remain under my current manager or move to another manager. I'd have more opportunity under the new manager, but my current manager is probably the best manager I've ever had and I don't really know the new manager. I don't know what to say. I'll probably end up saying nothing and getting moved and I'll get super busy and I'll never blog again.

Straightening Things Out

I’ve come to some conclusions after posting my audioblog. First of all, all girl bloggers are hot. I can only recall hearing three girls post an audioblog and all three said absolutely nothing, but were still hot. Filan sounded hot. Mia sounded hot. And now Nique sounds hot. They’ve all posted pictures of themselves at one point or another and they are all, in fact, hot, but their voices make them hotter. So, ladies, post an audioblog and I bet you get hotter. My second observation is that all guy bloggers are not hot. The only other audioblogs I’ve hear from a guy are Conti’s. His are all hilarious, but man voice just doesn’t do it for me. My final conclusion from all this: I’m not gay.

Boring

Every Monday morning I come in and want to share my exciting weekend with everybody. But, every weekend is boring. Nothing exciting ever happens in my life.

On an unrelated note: does anyone know the best way to get pee smell out of a mattress?

Go watch my movie

Got this site from Filan

My Movie

Snow

Last night there was about 6 or 7 inches. At least thats what she said.