Just agree with me

So, the wife and I are butting heads over what to do about the new TV we got. The cable guy is coming out of Friday to hook it up. The TV doesn't fit in our old entertainment center, so we have to get something new. I want to mount the tv to the wall and run the wires through the wall and down into a small entertainment unit to hold the tivo and dvd player... something cheap for like $100. The tv is somewhat light and will be dangerous in a few years when kenslee is old enough to grab at it. It's pretty much the best way. Here's what it would look like.



Kym wants to get a whole new entertainment system for like a million dollars. Here's what that would look like.


Obviously my way is better, right?

The Eagles ruined my birthday

Go read Popo's account of our dinner on Friday.

Mmmmmmmm...

A few months ago I noticed my statcounter was approaching 100,000 “unique visitors”. I thought that was pretty cool and I developed a plan. The plan was to have my 100,000th hit occur for the first person who looked at my blog on my two-year blogging anniversary. At that point the plan was to award that person with $100,000. $100,000 or 100,000 hugs. Visitor’s choice.

After a few weeks I noticed the number was getting closer to 100,000 faster than I planned. So, I started writing bad posts to keep people away. For nine straight months I wrote bad post after bad post and my plan seemed to be coming to fruition. Then Lance Bass got gay and my plan was shot to hell with about 10,000 hits. Actually, if you take away those LB hits, take away the Adrienne Curry hits, take away the naked Brad Pitt hits, take away the hits of me pressing the refresh button, take away the “chloraphil” google hits, and my actual number is somewhere around 47 unique visitors. So, to those 47 people that have read my blog over the past year and a half, I thank you.

I can’t remember the last time I did it twice in one day.

Today at work we’re having our annual employee checkup type thing. We give a couple of vials of blood to be tested, and then we fill out an online survey about our health. They ask questions about your exercise, eating, drinking, safety, and general health habits. It’s one of the many times of the year I have to lie about my excessive crack cocaine/drinking/drinking and driving/bulimia and anorexia addictions. We get back an extensive analysis of our health and our blood. It’s like getting some expensive tests for free. And everyone who participates gets a discount on his or her health insurance. It’s a win-win-win situation. (I just looked on YouTube for a clip of The Office when they did the win-win-win situation about the poster that Angela loves of babies playing the saxophone, but I couldn’t find it.)

So, this morning I donated my blood and I’m praying I don’t end up like before. I should be fine, it was just a quick in and out job. Afterwards, I’m walking back to my desk when I see some dude being hauled off on a stretcher. Sweating like it’s 140 degrees, and shaking like it’s 140 below. His face looked to be preparing for death and it scared the shit out of me. And now I just heard three other people passed out from giving their blood. So, if this is my last post, tell my wife I

LG

Life is Good.

Eagles won. Redskins lost. Cowboys lost. Giants lost.

My fantasy team is 1-0 with high score for the week (Larry Johnson, Chester Taylor, Terrell Owens, Chris Chambers, Kellen Winslow, John Carney, The Bears, and Hasselbeck [though with the draft being Thursday, I was able to start Charlie Batch for last week]). I’m great.

Work is busy and that’s actually good.

Softball tournament on Saturday.

My birthday is Sunday.

The only thing bringing me down right now is the plans my wife made with Tinapopo for dinner on Friday.

Gameday

Go Birds!

more

Win, Lose, or Draw

The category is Action.... Ready? Go!


No... um... here...

close.... uh....

Right... ok sounds like...

Yes! you got it! or did you?

Yet another stressful day at work

It seems like I went through a four-year period where I had a total of four stressful days. Now, suddenly I have two in one week. A holiday shortened week at that! The presentation went well the other day. It was a major step at getting a promotion at the end of the year. But today’s stress seems to be ten times worse. Today’s stress involves making decisions that will greatly reward or greatly distress me, day in and day out, over the next 17 weeks.

Yes, tonight is my fantasy football draft. If I get the number one pick, who do I take? Is Tiki Barber worthy of the number 4 pick? I was let down by his scumbag New York counterpart, A-rod, in baseball this year. How early will Manning go? Do I dare draft TO at all? Today is the most stressful day of the year.

I tried to distract myself from the stress by rearranging the link list, but I think that only stressed me out more.

PS. Stressful, Plentiful, bountiful, beautiful, crapoful. Doesn't it seem like these words should have two l's on the end of them? I mean, it's basically just saying, Full of Stress. Shouldn't it be stressfull? Stupid.

My parents never got divorced, but now I know what it feels like

First Queen of Pink disappeared, then Chuck hung em up, and now The Daily Dump has quit. Three of my favorite blogs gone within a week of each other. All three are on the top four link lines and none of them every bought me anything, so you know I just plain liked them. Three of the best, down the drain. I blame no one but myself.

Puke

At 2 o’clock I have to give a two hour presentation that will be a major factor in my year end review in which I’m hoping to get a promotion. If I screw this up, I’ll probably be stuck in my same position for the rest of my life. Actually, I’ll probably be demoted to janitor. I haven’t given a real presentation since senior year in college nine years ago. I’m not a very good public speaker. Actually, I’m not a very good private speaker either. This sucks. I hate this shit. I hope the world ends in the next two hours.



********* UPDATE! ************

It went better than I expected. It was a lot more interactive two hours than I thought it would be. And I guess that's good, right? When your audience falls asleep: bad. When your auidence talks more than you: good. The only really scary part was when someone asked a question I couldn't answer. I started to get hot around the collar, then decided to rip my shirt off, hop up on the table, go to bablefish translator, and I yelled "¡míreme, yo están desnudo en la tabla con una pantalla en mi cabeza!" Though, I'm pretty sure bablefish was wrong because I always though table was "mesa", not "tabla". So, that was embarassing.

Best Dad Ever

No, not me. My dad.

Last night Kym and I sat down for dinner when the door rang. It was my parents. We finished up dinner as they played with the baby. After we finished they said they had a present for us. We went out the the car and helped them carry in a brand new 40 inch Sony HDTV. I don't know why he bought it for us, but I'm sure not complaining. How sweet is that??!?

Also, I'm still getting about 50 hits a day of retards looking for lance bass pictures. Does anyone know how to delete that post out so I don't get the hits? It's over a year old and more than 300 posts ago so I don't know how to get rid of it.

Typing with my eyes closed would have been hard

So, yesterday I hit Publish and started my no-reading protest. I decided that by not reading I would be protesting the inhumane killing of elephants in Chad, Africa. These innocent elephants are being killed by poachers for their sweet, sexy, delicious, ivory tusks. Upon hitting Publish I saw "Please wait while your..." and I immediately shut my eyes in protest. But, alas, I realized I was too late. And I was sure another Africana elephant just bit the dust because of my heartless act of reading. I can deal with one dead elephant, so I restarted my protest.

Three seconds later I realized I didn't proofread my post. I can't stand embarasing speling mistakes, so I sacrificed a few more dozen elephants as I went back and proofread my post. A few minutes later I realized my plight was worthless as I noticed a comment that I had to read. So, poachers: You win. Go ahead and keep on poaching. Elephants: I'm sorry I couldn't fight harder. But think of it this way: your death means someone is probably getting a really nice ivory bracelet or maybe even a sweet ass ivory chess set. Seems worth it now. Doesn't it? You greedy, self-centered, ivory-hoarding elephants.

Stop Signs

I've decided that I waste too much time reading. So, I'm quitting. Not just books, but everything. No more reading newspapers. No more reading blogs. No more reading emails. No more reading Traffic signs, menus, text messages, flash cards, keyboards, eye charts, or alphabets.

Granted, I'll end up losing my job, not knowing the score to a baseball game, losing touch with people, getting into car accidents, being bad at 3rd grade math, getting really thick glasses, and eating really bad food. But, you know what? It will all be worth it in the end. How, you ask? I'm not yet sure. I'll write when I find out.

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted. Vacation, Had to Get Away.

First of all, I always thought the lyrics to Vacation were Vacation, Happy to get away.

But anyway, we're back from our week in North Carolina. It was awesome. Every vacation I ever go on is a golfing vacation or a vacation with Kym's family. I never have anyone to play with on the beach. I basically skimboard for an hour then I'm bored for the rest of the day. We went with 3 other couples and it was awesome to throw a football, toss a frisbee, play Muckers, and to bring a tennis ball into the ocean and invent a game that involves throwing the ball as hard as you can at the other guy to see who can stop it the most. And with all my family vacations, tivo was the nightly entertainment. With friends it was booze and lots of it. I've been going through withdrawl all day. The shakes are coming on strong now.

While it was a great vacation, the best day of all was yesterday, on Titso and I's one year anniversary. We woke up at 3am and got to driving. After missing a turn and losing 45 minutes, we were back on track and home by 1:15pm. 9 glourious hours of driving. Such a great anniversary, right?!? But, for real, the best thing of the past ten days was as we were giving Kenslee a bath to go out to a nice dinner. While in NC, she became a different baby. She actually took naps during the day, but she is now no longer sleeping through the night. Where she used to looove the bath, now she screamed bloody murder. We were scared she'd continue to hate the bath at home. When she got in last night she was a little hesitant, so Kym decided to try out so bath toys for the first time ever. This resulted in Kenslee's first ever laugh out loud (while awake). It melted our hearts. Kym ran to get the video camera and we caught the last few laughs on tape. I put a bootleg copy of it on the baby blog.




take note of kens' onsie. It says "Made in Italy". It's the fisrt thing I ever got for her. I had it made when we found out kym got pregnant in italy on our honeymoon.


So, I'm back, and tomorrow I work from home, alone with Kenslee for the first time. If I log on to ask for someone to come kill me, please, track me down and mercy kill me.

Guess what?

I leave for vacation in 40 hours.

And you don't.

Bitches!

Stress

Every once in a while I stumble upon a post of somebody talking about how some other blogger they read got fired for what they wrote in their blog. It’s called being “dooced”. I’m pretty sure that’s nothing more than a reference to taking a dump. Anyway, so I really try not to talk about my work on my blog. I talk about it sometimes, but only when I’m happy about things. You can’t get fired for talking about happy things, right!? So, I’ve been trying not to complain in fear that my co-workers or bosses might find my blog and take a dump on me. But, I’m at the point that I need to vent. Venting to my wife just isn’t enough, so I need to write it down for the world to see. So, here goes:

Being a male stripper is stressful. Because that’s what I am. I don’t have a non-stressful job such as, oh I don’t know... a computer programmer. Being a computer programmer is probably a walk in the park. It’s my job as a male stripper, not a programmer, that is really stressing me out right now. It’s partially the thongs I have to wear, and partially the women throwing themselves at me that’s killing me. If I were only a computer programmer and had to do something easy like prepare and present an architectural review for all of upper management to analyze and critique, life would be simple. But no. I chose to be a stripper, and NOT a computer programmer. Life on the pole ain’t easy.

Why I gave up saving lives

Two and a half years ago I was an avid blood donor. We have regular blood drives at work and I always gave. Then one foolish phlebotomist missed my vein twice. She finally found it, but she messed my arm up so bad I couldn’t lift it above my head for 3 days. I swore off giving blood for the rest of my life. About a year ago I was over my trauma and tried to give again. But, I had been in Punta Cana, so I wasn’t allowed because of the malaria risk. So, last Wednesday was my first chance to get back in the hero business. The guy found the vein on the first try, so I thought I was good to go. On Friday my arm started to bruise and today, 5 days later, it looks like a 64 box of Crayola threw up on my elbow.




An eight inch bruise for a little prick. Or a big prick depending on how much you dislike me.

Suri Revealed!

Cnn.com has reported that pictures of baby Suri will soon surface. I’ve been sitting on this for a while, but I think it’s time to reveal that I, like Leah Remini and all the other wackos, have seen baby Suri. I even snapped a few pictures. Here’s the little cutie at one week old!




She must have been sleeping the whole time I was there because she didn’t move. She had her eyes open, but Tommy says all good Thetans sleep with one eye open. Apparently lil Suri is an over-achiever already! Sleeps with two eyes open!

It was a few weeks between that first time and the next time I saw her. And this time I saw her she had already grown her Scientolowings! Isn’t she fantastic!

Fidelity - Regina Spektor

I heard this song on Sirius. I bought the cd and I fell in love with the song and her. Too bad I'm happily married and I'm pretty sure she's a lesbian.

PS. Why does every youtube video's sound seem to be off?

PPS. Do you think when she was little all the mean girls called her VaGina InSpektor?

Dating and Playing. Two things my daughter will not be allowed to do.

Friday night Kym invited over some work friends for happy hour. Being the gracious host that I am, I decided to go beer for beer, shot for shot, with everyone that was there over the period of 6 hours. And, well, I was wasted. If you have a baby that wakes up at 7am and you have to get up with her, I highly suggest not getting wasted like that. But, being the great dad I am, I was up with her, fed her, and I with a little bit of luck, I got her back to sleep for a few more hours.

Later in the day she was grumpy so we decided (I was forced) to go out to the park with her. I don’t know if it’s the new playground technology, if I’m an overprotective dad, or I’m just old, but playgrounds are fuckin dangerous these days.

First, there’s the rock climbing wall thingy. Sounds innocent enough. No... actually, that sounds dangerous to begin with. Add in the chain linked, umm, chain, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. The playground looks like this:



I see this:




Yes, if I ever let her play, it would be in a pink dress with pink high heels.


Next, the slides. This one does sound innocent. And if it weren’t for the fact that the slide was literally perpendicular to the ground it would have been. The playground looks like this:



I see this:



The final deathtrap I saw was actually on the playground specifically made for the smallest of kids. It was a dinosaur looking thing with a ladder kids climb up. Except the rungs on the ladder were the perfect size for kids legs to slip between. The playground looks like this:




I see this:




And that will be why my daughter will not be allowed to leave the house and she'll have no friends.

Like me.