Always the Bridesmaid

Last night there was a meeting to discuss how a deadly chemical, TCE, is in the air where we live. Yesterday there were news crews all over our neighborhood trying to get interviews and filming shots of the homes that will soon contain nothing but dead bodies. You can watch one of those reports here. I don't normally watch the Fox news, but the Fox did make my neighborhood look prettier than the local ABC affiliate did. I watched every local channel's coverage and on one I saw my neighbor's house up the street, on the other was my neighbor's house down the street. On this one they went into a neighbor two blocks down's house. Everyone around me was getting the attention. But my house is on none of the stories. I'm disappointed to say the least. Not so much about the fact that I'll be dead of cancer any day now, but it really would have been worth it if I got on the news and got to thank The Good Lord Above, God Almighty like all the rappers do when they're on tv. The rappers and my neighbors are so lucky.

I should be on the Maury Show or something

Last monday I got on the scale in my bathroom and it read 187.5. Tuesday after lunch I got sick and not a single piece of food entered my mouth until Thursday morning. And that came right back out. I still hadn't gotten my full appetite back when I felt good enough to go to the gym on Sunday. I ran 7 miles (nice!) and got on the scale. I weighed 178.5. I lost 9 pounds last week just by being sick then not eating much then exercising. 9 pounds! Do you realize how much weight that is?!? Here's some other things that weigh 9 pounds. Imagine dropping one of these out of your body:
- A bowling ball (one of those gay pink ones)
- A gallon of milk (plus a .38 pound weight)
- 1632 post-1982 pennies
- A big ass 9 pound baby.
- Two normal 4.5 pound twin babies
- 9 - 1 pound premature nintuplet babies.

So, basically I gave birth to 9 babies last week. And I'm up and running around this week!!! Some moms are such wimps.

Valenhog's Day

At lunch on Tuesday Kym and I went out to grab something to eat and her car broke down. $1000 to fix. I borrowed a coworkers car and drove home to get mine. Tuesday afternoon when it started snowing the baby's daycare called and said they'd be closing at 4. By 3:00 I knew something wasn't right with my stomach and I started nagging Kym to get out of there. By 5:15 on Tuesday night I got into bed and I've barely gotten out since. I've never taken two consecutive days off because of sickness until now. Kym hasn't either and she's on day three today because the baby is still sick. Our house is the like the sick ward at the Sick Person's Hospital for the Sick. It sicks big time.

V-Day

I've figured out what to do for Valentines this year. They're calling for 6-9 inches of snow Tuesday into Wednesday. So, what I'm going to do is get it to snow only in front of our house and in the shape of a giant heart. Here's what a google map of my neighborhood will look like on Wednesday. Genius!

edited!!

I'm not even going to bother trying

I know I can't top last year's Valentine's day, so I've decide to just pretend I'm sick and not get out of bed for the next week.

Motivation

At my Christmas lunch three of my coworkers and I made a pact to get in shape and run four races together this year. A 5 miler in April, The Broad Street Run (10 miles) in May, a half marathon in September, and a 10 mile trail run (which involves running through a calf-deep creek 3 times) at the park next to my house in October.

We were all drinking so I assumed it was all talk. As it turns out, it looks like everyone was serious. So, I had to get serious too. I printed out a traning schedule last week and I ran 5 miles at lunch today (to total 18 miles in the past 8 days). I have no point to this post other than to just write it because when I actually tell people I'm going to do something I force myself to do them. Like that time I walked across the country. on my hands.

Nerd

Even though I'm really busy at work and barely post anymore, somehow tonight I managed to post my 100th post on the baby blog. And this post right here? It's my 800th post on this blog. Pretty coincidental they're both landmark blogs. And they both suck.

It's my 800th, I should make it awesome. I can't wait until I think of something awesome to write right here.

Wing Bowl III

15 years ago Philly got sick of the Eagles not making it to the playoffs, so in order to create excitement in Philly around the Super Bowl they started the Wing Bowl. A bunch of fat guys eat as many wings as possible in a short amount of time. It's disgusting. Last year's winner ate 173 wings. The have to qualify by eating other disgusting stuff. Such as 3 pounds of baked beans in 1 minute, a 2 foot hoagie in 5 minutes, or 100 shrimp in 5 minutes. The tickets all go to charity and they sell all 20,000 of them in about 10 minutes.

My work started it's own Wing Bowl 3 years ago. It was this morning at 11:30. The contestants only eat 10 wing (hot) as fast as they can. Two guys tied at 1 minutes and 5 seconds. Pretty impressive. They had a Wing-off with 4 more wings and the same muther-fer has now won 3 years in a row. Total Wing Bowl whore he is.

The Bar Situation

If you've been reading this shit for a while you may remember a few month ago when my dad stopped my by our house and randomly gave me a brand new 40 inch LCD tv. After determining that the tv didn't fit in our family room entertainment center, this tv motivated us to finish our basement. It was already finished, but it was empty. So, we put the tv down there. We got a nice new sofa. For christmas I got a home theater system and hooked that up. We ordered a bar, and planned a Super Bowl Party. Two weeks ago the bar arrived. The delivery guy said he wouldn't wait around for me to inspect it and told me to sign for it as "to be inspected" to protect myself. When he left I opened it and it was a disaster. Cracks, out of place panels, more cracks, gashes.

I'm not going to go so far as to say Kym likes dealing with Customer Service, but she's good at it. She has lots of practice. She has delt with Comcast's customer service for like 9000 hours. The company immediately had a new bar sent out. Yesterday we got home from work and the side bar was sitting on our front porch. I opened it and of course, it had out of place panels and a giant crack down the side. Kym got on the phone and they sent out another one. The main bar was sitting at the shipping place today and they opened it there, declared it to be ok and will be shipping that today. I'm sure we'll get it and it will be broken and we'll have no bar for our Super Bowl party on Sunday. Plus we now have one and a half $1300 bars sitting in our garage that we were told to dispose of. Meanwhile it's 3 degrees outside every morning and my car freezes while a broken bar sits warm in the garage. I hope the story has a happy ending in which the bar that will arrive today is good, the 3rd side bar will arrive Saturday, we get it all for free for our trouble, and we sell the broken bar on craigslist for a couple bucks. But I'm not holding my breath.

Smack That Ass

I don't mean for this to become a baby blog, but I don't think this one should go on the real baby blog.

Kenslee has basically become a maniac since she learned to crawl. For those of you that have cats, you might have one that will have these sudden spaz attacks. Everything is fine, then all the sudden the cat is running through the house at 100mph. Kenslee does that same thing. She'll be playing then suddenly the urge will strike and she'll crawl as fast as possible and dive head first into whatever she sees. She's crazy. She cries to be held when we ignore her for a long time, but for the most part she's pretty independent. She seems to do things whenever she feels like it. If I try to get her to clap she won't. If I try to get her to say "Da", she won't. If I'm trying to get her to eat byt showing her how I eat, she doesn't care. Right now, she's not one for mimicking. She'll do those things on her own, but I think she takes it as an insult when I want her to mimick me.

Rewind to Wednesday night. Every night before her bath we spend about 20-30 minutes with her playing in just her diaper. She loves her naked time. Her newest favorite thing to do during naked time is to find a laundry basket and empty everything out of it. Wednesday night she was doing this while Kym and I were lying around playing with her when she would get bored with the laundry. Kym was lying on her stomach and Kenslee decided to jump all over Kym's back. While she was dong this I went over and smacked Kym's ass. In what was the first time in 8 months Kenslee saw this and mimicked me. She crawled over and started smacking Kym's ass like it was a drum. So, yeah, I taught my daughter the Smack That Ass.

She loves being naked and she loves smacking ass. I'm raising myself such a good little stripper.

The Saddest Day in History

Franklin passed away yesterday. A mere 9 days into his life and he was taken by shaken baby syndrome. I first sent him to the brink of disaster while running last week. I had him clipped to my shorts and he stopped breathing. I found a way to resuscitate him on apple's website. He was down for a few hours so I knew that he would have some sort of brain damage. I hoped he would turn out kinda like Rain Man. A little odd, but oh so sharp and cute when standing next to Tom Cruise. Unfortunately he turned out more like that retarded magician Penn. Or is it Teller that's retarded? Oh, I don't know. Anyway, yesterday he did it again. I was in the middle of a nice long run and he went into convulsions. I did that chest shocker thing I saw on ER once and quickly came back to life. I finished my run and warmed down. Eventually I stopped. Franklin did not stop. No matter what I did Franklin would not stop. For the third time in 9 days, and the 2nd yesterday, I tried to Flatline him and bring him back to life like that guy on 24 did to Julia Roberts before he started eating terrorists. Franklin flatlined, but he never came back to life. When I gave him mouth to mouth, he only gave me a sad face and went back to death. Sad, I cried a little and went through all our fun times in my head. Like the one time I put music on him. Or the other time I listened to music on him. And then the time when I put pictures on him. God, there were so many great times. I'm trying to not remember the bad times. Like when he brought home a transvestite prostitute named Shelia. (The 'S' was silent). Franklin, I will surely miss you.

Luckily Franklin was still under warranty and I picked up a new ipod today at lunch. I think I'll call him Franklin II.

This is Jeopardy?

I caught what I mentioned in the comments from the last video post. She freakin loves Alex Trebek.

Leezer's post about gym people has forced me to post my gym experience from today. I think every gym has at least one grunter. The guy who needs people to know he's lifting a lot of weight. The guy who grunts so loud that even Franklin doesn't drown out the noise. Today I ran across the Grunter. Except, he wasn't lifting. And, actually, he wasn't clothed. He was grunting in the shower. My gym has 5 showers. Each with their own shower curtain to maintain privacy. So, I was finishing up with my shower when Grunter really started getting into it in the shower next to mine. I started to feel uncomfortable so I hurried and finished so I could go back to my locker. As I got out of the shower I noticed Grunter was still taking his shower and he didn't feel the need to close his shower curtain. Besides his love of being heard grunting he apparently loves being seen showering as well. Anyway, I run back to my locker and a few minutes later, of course, Grunter sits his naked, untowel-using ass next to me. As I throw on whatever garments of clean or dirty clothes I have available to get out of there as fast as possible he continues to rub himself and grunt and moan as loud as possible. It was truly, utterly, visual, mentally, and hearingly (if that's a word) disgusting.

A lesson in Tolerance

The cat has learned to take an awful lot of crap from Kens.

A Match Made in New Haven*

Yesterday I stepped into the year 2001 and got my first ipod. It's awesome. I've named him Franklin (after my fav inventor!). I brought him home, put him in a new outfit I had picked out and started loading him with music and pictures. He's so cool already! I made dinner and after dinner I told the funniest joke**. Franklin was right there. He laughed the loudest then gave me the best high five. The baby woke up in the middle of the night and guess who woke up to give her a bottle? That's right, Franklin. Then this morning I woke up and smelled coffee brewing and heard bacon sizzling. Franklin sure is making a good first impression. Franklin even knew that I like my bacon extra cripsy! My eggs were a little overdone, but jeez, he's only 12 hours old!! Franklin came into work with me today and he even helped me type this out. Oh, Franklin, how did I ever live without you!!!!


* Assuming iPods are made in New Haven

**Why were the suspenders arrested?
For holding up a pair of pants!

Links I made

Last night I got home from dealing poker at midnight. I sat down at the computer and started to feel bad thinking about how I haven't been blogging or reading many blogs lately. So, I clicked on a few links then realized, "Fuck this it's late, I'm going to bed."

Then the baby woke up and cried for most of the night.

Down and Out

I often brag about my immune system. I never get sick. I haven't thrown up sober in over 10 years. (Last time I threw up drunk? September 2005. On my honeymoon.) At 7am this morning I woke to take care of my sick daughter. I got dressed, then my immune system, much like my sophomore year Accounting Teacher, failed me. The River Seine flowed from my insides and into my toilet bowl. It was horrible. Throwing up blows. Luckily my mom was able to come over and help out. I spent about 6 hours in bed today and I can't wait to get back in bed. My immune system and I are going to have to have a long talk in the morning.

E-A-G-L-E-S - Eagles!

I wish I brought my camera to the game. It was crazy.

I think I'm going to take another day off from work tomorrow because my daughter is still sick. So you'll have to suffer through yet another day of no bull shit from me. Sorry to be you.

New Years Resolutions

Be cooler.

Eat lunch and/or dinner every day.

Drink liquids.

Get promotion or get a new job by mid-year.

Do fun stuff.

Shower.

Get haircut.

Rent movies.

Blow nose when full of snot. Or pick.

Change diapers when full of poop and/or pee (not mine).

Be Awesome.

Annnnd we're back...

Annnnd, I'm too busy to write.

But, did anyone else watch 13 hours of The Biggest Loser yesterday?