I bet your dad could beat up this dad.

Last night I took my lovely wife to go see the Broadway production of The Lion King. Well, we went to the Philly version of the Broadway production of The Lion King. Tickets for this thing went on sale last year and I got tickets for Kym for Christmas. So, she's been looking forward to it for 8 months now. On Monday I had a softball playoff game and if I won, the next game was last night, but we suck and we lost, so I got stuck going to see some fruity play. I've only been to one other show in my life: Stomp. It gave me a headache.

The show starts with some lady screaming in African (is African a language?) and the stage fills up with all these slightly disturbing looking people prancing around in extravagant animal outfits singing about some "Circle of Life" or whatever. It was big and beautiful and loud and bright and I thought to myself, "I wonder if Chase Utley got a hit yet."

So, Simba is born and the kid who plays young Simba is actually entertaining and I'm enjoying it. blah, blah, blah, and we met Simba's evil uncle Scar. He's not all that scary, but when he leads Simba to the elephant graveyard with the hyenas, it's actually a little frightening. I'd say about 20% of the audience was kids and I can only image a lot of them were scared. We go through the show and there's a lot of boring scenes, and there's several scary scenes with the two main bad-evil hyenas, and the dopey sidekick hyena, Ed. Fast forward, Scar and hyenas are removed from power, Simba's king, we go home and get our daughter from my parents house after not seeing her for longer than either of us have gone in two months.

We go home, I see Chase Utely got two hits, I go to sleep. And I have nightmares. Nightmares about two evil guys who beat and kill people and have a dopey sidekick, Ed. And they kill Ed and they start chasing me and I wake up and I have to pee and I realize how much of a pussy I am. The End.

Pictures

I try to post a simple picture of a starburst man screwing a leprechaun and you all start sticking your noses in my business looking at all the other pictures on my desk. So, here they are.

On the far right is a picture of me skydiving from about 5 years ago. This isn't the actual picture, but I have a whole roll of them, so I scanned in a different one.


The "topless" picture is from our wedding. It's one of my favorite pictures and I don't remember it being taken. At our wedding we had those stupid table cameras where we had 500 pictures developed and this is the only one I'll ever look at again. I think it was Kym's cousin taking a picture as a joke because they were faking being so excited that we came to visit them. I love the happiness that lights up her face and I'm perfectly caught in the background drinking my captian and coke and being amused by the seemingly mischevious happenings.



This is another one I don't remember being taken. I love the look on Kenslee's face. She looks so contently bored. I think this was the day she came home from the hospital when she was still just a little peanut. It's in a "Daddy and Me" frame.



And obviously the last picture is my boy.

Over the past 6 days I’ve had approximately 3500 people visit my site looking at lance bass pictures. Approximately 3499 clicked on nothing but bass. Today one person actually looked at my sidebar and noticed that I make starburst porn and clicked on all of that. And it reminded me. It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?

It's not the first time he's caused a rise like this in me

Holy Lance Bass is gay traffic!

I write one little post asking people who they think they hottest boy band member is and suddenly 88% of the traffic to my site is people looking to get a little piece of Man BAss. I'm literally getting 4-5 hits per minute of people looking for his picture. Imagine how many I'd get if I posted the ones from Lance and I's private collection!?

Harold and Kumar ruin everything

One early evening on vacation I settled in front of the tv. We don’t have HBO at home so I was pretty excited to watch some good movies. I avoided watching Entourage because it was my favorite show last year and I want to watch the whole season in a row. After watching Napoleon Dynamite for the 13th time I was ready for something new. And that’s when I discovered Harold And Kumar go to White Castle. It was really fuckin funny in a this-is-the-most-retarded-shit-I’ve-ever seen kinda way. I mean, does it get any funnier than seeing Doogie Howser doing a line of coke off a chicks ass sticking out of the sunroof of a car he stole after hitchhiking? I don’t think so.

After watching the last 45 minutes of that masterpiece my mood was just as bright when I went out on the balcony where Kym and her parents and Kenslee were hanging out. My mother in law was dancing like a fool trying to get my daughter to laugh and she was. A few minutes later Kym leaned over and kissed her dad on the cheek and on the lips and I knew something wasn’t quite right. Kym and her mom took the baby inside leaving me in what became an awkward silence with her dad. I went inside to get ready for Kym and I’s night out. While getting ready she told me her dad just told her he has cancer. It’s “only” prostate cancer if there’s such thing as “only” cancer. He gets treatment in September and won’t be able to hold the baby for several months and isn’t supposed to hug any women in their child bearing years. So, basically it got us off our lazy asses to get Kens baptized before then, and things aren’t super happy right now. And I definitely hate cancer more than I did 3 posts ago.

Back. Without a bang.

- My daughter is more and more like me everyday. She’s had my eyes since she was born. On vacation we found she has my love of swimming in the pool. And on the way home from vacation we found out she has my hatred for driving 680 miles in one day.
- I won a resort poker tournament. 4 tickets to a variety of local attractions. We picked miniature golfing. Titso’s mom beat me.
- I didn’t miss blogging when I was gone. I read blogs whilst gone, but I was too lazy and didn't care to write or usually to comment.
- I have the world’s worst fantasy baseball team.
- Looking at my statcounter it seems that the only people that visit here anymore are people looking for pictures of Brad Pitt’s penis and Adrienne Curry’s ass.
- You would think that since I was gone for a week I’d have at least one blog worthy experience. You’d be wrong in your thinking.

I'll be gone till November

Or maybe just all of next week. Have fun while I'm lying on the beach, playing in the ocean, golfing, and wrestling aligators. While I'm gone may I suggest you do one or more of the following that are just as fun as reading my blog?:

- kick a puppy
- learn oragami
- fake your own death
- actually die
- drink until you need to get your stomach pumped
- read the bible
- reenact every scene from the bible
- just go to work like you do everyday

Soured

I want to start this post off by telling you how much I hate cancer. I really hate cancer. It’s like, probably one of the worst diseases. Top 3 worst diseases. Cancer, AIDS, and some other disease I can’t think of right now are the top three. Not necessarily in that order.

So, naturally I was happy to see that Alex’s Lemonade stand was going to be coming to our work today. I get to have lemonade, and hate cancer at the same time. An unbeatable mix. Add the fact that Rita’s Water Ice would be here too, it’s pretty much the best cancer hating day at work ever.

So, I went out and grabbed lunch. I ate some delicious pizza and came back to work to settle in for a nice big glass of cancer hating lemonade. Unfortunately, my optional 2 dollar donation didn’t exactly yield me that tall, refreshing glass I was hoping for.

Still nothing??

I get so sick of looking at the same post for more than 2 days in a row. I keep coming back and hoping that I wrote and posted something new. Unfortunately, I still haven’t.

A meeting of the 78,816th and 46,236th most famous bloggers in the world*

Titso and Tinapopo made plans to meet at a restaurant halfway between our houses at 7pm on Saturday night. The night got off to a late start as Tina and Andrew rolled in around 8:30, drunk, and smelling a little bit like crack cocaine. They stumbled to our table at the back of the restaurant. A quaint window table with a view of the dumpsters. We rose to greet them. "Ooohhh, Kenslee looks so much cuter in the pictures," she said. Odd, I thought to myself. She must have said that wrong. But, no. It turns out Tinapopo is a real bitch. "This is a real shitty restaurant you guys picked out." She then told us. Just then the waitress came to our table to take our orders. "I order you to take a shower you skank," Tina said before smacking the waitress in the ass. The rest of us ordered our food then Andrew asked to hold the baby. When we handed her over he threw her up in the air and drop kicked her across the restaurant. Then Tina pulled a Molotov Cocktail out of her handbag and burned the restaurant to the ground. As the smoke built they held guns to our back and forced us to smile for a picture.




* - according to technorati

I like how firefox saves every blog title I've ever had when I go to type in a title here

If I can think of anything to write, I’ll do it later. Until then I bore you with this. Last night we beat the perennial champion softball team for only the 2nd time in the past 6 years. We’re getting better, hitting better, making little to no errors, plus we have me. I’m like Tony the Tiger. I’m grrrrreeeat!

In other news, I’ve exchanged emails with many bloggers. I’ve received cd’s from a couple of bloggers. And even received a baby shower present from a blogger. But I’ve never met one. Have you? Titso is supposed to be making plans for this weekend with a fellow blogger to hang out, get drunk, and talk about how much better our blogs are than yours. Jealous much?

World Cup Soccer Goalie

VoF reminded me this is why "football" is so gay.

Nobody's working today, so what's the point?

I was going to recap my weekend but I bored myself when I started. One point of interest was that I watched the Portugal/England World Cup game on Saturday. It was the biggest waste of two hours ever. I’ve now watched two games and not a single goal has been scored. Both games were decided by two of the most boring shootouts ever. How is the whole rest of the world so fascinated by this crap?

HUH? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I HAVE HEADPHONES ON. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SPEAK UP!

I feel bad for you

I wrote the best freakin post this morning. It was so good that I had to keep to to myself. My Precious post for just me. I don’t want to give too much away about it in case someone else comes up with the same idea, but I will tell you it involved an ice cream cone with jimmies on top and a unicorn winning the Kentucky Derby. You guys are so unlucky that you can’t read it all.

Six Degrees of Portuguese Nation?

Today while perusing my favorite ego feeding site I noticed that I am the only English speaking link on a Portuguese blogger’s link list. So, first of all, I guess I now have to expand my six degrees of blogger nation rules to include not only English sites, but also Portuguese. Second, I’m still pondering how this makes me feel. Any link is a good link, but what if this person makes fun of me on their blog all the time. That wouldn’t be a good link. But, I have to assume there’s no mal intent here.

There’s no English at all on this person’s site. So, do they even know English? Maybe they’re learning English by reading my site! How cool would that be! I wonder if I can put that on my resume. If they’re learning the language by reading Chloraphil, they’ve made the write choice. They will be a very well speaker before long.

My next train of thought is a wonderment of what kind of stuff they write about. Most of the English speaking people that read my site have somewhat the same type of humor that I have. This Portuguesean must be a pretty funny guy/girl themself. So, through the magic of alta vista I translated something they’ve written recently. Here’s an excerpt:

“I likes wine. Me like wines and sheep cheese. The most popular cheese of Portugal! Pork meat is also very popular in my home land. Actually, just because I speak Portuguese doesn’t mean I live in Portugal, but we’ll just make that assumption for now. Want to know another one of my favourites? Pastries! Portugese people are sweet toothed! My last favourite thing I like is Starburst Porn!”

At least that’s what I think alta vista translated it as. It only translated every other word, so I just filled in the blanks.

I'm Smart (note the capital "S")

One thing I think a lot of people don’t realize is that in order to be a good parent you have to be smart. When your baby cries, you have to be smart enough to realize she hasn’t eaten in four hours. If she cries more you have to realize you haven’t changed her diaper in two or three days. And the thing with changing diapers is you have to be smart about it. A lesser parent would have been pooped or peed on more than the 5 times I have. If your baby cries more you have to be smart enough to realize they want to be held.

Being a good dad basically takes a genius. Luckily for Kenslee I’m the smartest person she knows. Except for her mom. And probably the doctor that delivered her. And most of the nurses. And probably all four of her grandparents. And just about all of her aunts and uncles. But, yeah, my daughter is lucky I’m one of the smartest people she knows.

Sheesh!

What a long day today's been!

Get it?

huh?

huh?

Ya know..

Cause today's summer solstice!

woohoo!

I'm hilarous!

I'm Loving it!

Pink Kitty and Melissa have both recently stated that they are, or want to grow their hair out so they can donate it to Locks of Love. I’ve never mentioned it on here before, but I did that once a few years back. I generally can’t stand it when my hair is longer than an inch or so, but it was such a good cause I couldn’t pass it it. Like Melissa said, “it's a great organization and it's ultimately for one of the best causes out there: the vanity of cancer patients”
Anyway, I thought I’d share with you the pictures from when I went through this process.




Before:




My donatee was kinda punk, so I had to dye my hair towards the end.



One little known fact about Lock of Love is they accept all bodily hair.

My chest hair went to some lucky Italian Stallion.



And my pubes? Well, I still haven’t shaved them.