Question

Before Titso went on maternity leave she did a fair amount of traveling for work. While I would miss her while she was gone, it was kind of nice to have a few days on my own to go play poker, eat cereal for dinner, and not shower or change my underwear. She stopped traveling in her third trimester and has thus far avoided it since returning to work. She was told last week she was needed in Kansas on the 16th of this month, but got out of it by guaranteeing she would go for the week of November 6th. Leaving me with the baby. A single dad of a 5 month-old. So, my question: Do I divorce her now, or later?

Reflection

A week from Sunday marks my two year blogiversary. Pretty pathetic.

In an unrelated story, two guys that started a website about six month after me just made $1.65 billion. Pretty pathetic. It was bought by google, the same company that runs blogger. So, it's only a matter of time before youtube crashes everyday, you can't log on, and you can't upload anything.

In a very related story, I write all my blog posts in Word or in an email to make it look like I'm composing a work related document. (Yes, most of my work related documents contain pictures of bears attacking girls in a towel in a log cabin.) So, when I just went to login to blogger to post this... I couldn't! Surprise, Surprise.

Congrats Detroitians

Going through a few blogs this morning I was reminded of how wonderful of a weekend this was. Not only did the Eagles beat the Cowboys with TO doing nothing, but the stadium chanting my name the whole game (“OD… OD, OD, OD.. Ohhh D Ohhh D..”) made it that much more special. But nearly matching this greatness was watching the Yankees lose in the first round again. There’s nothing I love more than watching a $200 million lineup full of overpaid ex-Phillies go down in flames.

As awesome as it was, I think that Detroit celebrated waaay too much. Yeah, they went from a team that lost about 150 games 3 seasons ago to a team that beat the Yankees in the playoffs, but was it really worth all this?



The celebration started off normal enough. A little champagne celebration.



Then the champagne seemed to get violent. This stream went through the roof and drown a young child.



I thought it was a bit careless when they let a bear out to celebrate. It didn’t even make sense either. You’d think they’d have a tiger instead of a bear.



I really started questioning the celebration when they blew up the stadium. I guess they’ll have to play the rest of their games on the road.



Then the final straw in this ridiculous celebration. When did Detroit get The Bomb?

Thanks to Roonie for the real pics

I had a dream

The other night I had a dream that one of my wife's hair's somehow got wrapped around my tonsils. It was in a tight knot and I couldn't get it undone. It didn't hurt or anything, it was just annoying walking around with a long hair hanging out of my mouth. I have no idea what that means. It probably has something to do with how the Eagles are going to win the superbowl this year.

working from home





I'm not sure who to blame, so I guess I'll blame blogger. I was on youtube trying to post these, what I guess is over a week ago now. Nice service.

wfh

ignore

wfh

ignore

The best hour of my day

Since I don't have much funny to say lately and Monday's school killings happened about 30 minutes from where I live I thought I'd get serious for once.

Last night I got home from the Eagles game and got to sleep around 2am. I took the day off work and basically relaxed all day for a change. I also made it official: now everyone in the world has finally seen Pirates of the Caribbean. Having the day off reminded myself just how much working for a living sucks. We spend half of our waking hours doing shit we most likely don't want to do. One of the only enjoyable things I do during my 8 hours at work is peeking at blogs while looking over my shoulder to see if anyone sees me doing it. So, basically half of our waking hours are dreary.

For the past month the best part of my day has been the part of my day I used to spend sleeping. Up until a month ago I would wake up at 7:30, kiss Kym and Kenslee goodbye as they still slept (while Kym was still home on maternity) and head off to work. A little over a month ago Kenslee's sleeping patterns changed and I no longer need a 7:30 alarm. I have a 6:30 alarm clock made from my own flesh and bones. Now everyday Kym and I have the same schedule. Kenslee starts crying at 6:30. Kym gets up and gets in the shower. I get up and change and feed Kenslee. Being a dad of a 4 month-old is no walk in the park. It has been just as difficult and just as rewarding as I always pictured it would be. Kenslee is fussy a lot, but in general her best time of the day is after a long sleep. Kenslee and I spend about an hour hanging out every morning while Kym showers and gets ready for work. She eats, she smiles, she laughs, she watches Sportscenter with me, she makes faces that make me laugh, she makes waking up an hour earlier than I used to completely worth it. It's the best hour of my day.

Over the weekend Kym and I were talking about the school killings from last week and she said that she just couldn't see it ever happening at the high school Kenslee will eventually go to. And, now with it happening in an Amish school a few towns over, it's obvious it could happen anywhere. As a new dad, it pains me to think of what it must be like for the victim's families. I couldn't imagine waking up at 7:30 again.

This is wrong, right?

Celebration Day!!! part 2

Thursday is Celebration Day here at work. After a disaster last year, I'm hoping to bounce back and celebrate like crazy this year. Among the list of activities I'm set to kick ass in:

Football Throwing contest - I can throw a football over those mountains
NFL trivia game - I can name all 32 teams and the capital of the state they play in. Example: New York Giants: Capital City: Trenton
Limbo contest - I'm not gay
Pie Eating contest (Chocolate creme) - I don't eat anything with that little slash over the e.
Pumpkin decorating contest - My winning design
Penalty flag throwing contest - I don't even know what the hell that means, but it sounds like something I will rule.
College Mascot trivia game - College is for nerds
Volleyball, Frisbee, Badminton - I, will, dominate.

The great Entertainment debate of 2006

Since Softball Slut asked, here's what happened:

Last night we started to empty the entertainment center that is currently in the family room. The plan was to move the old tv, with that, to the basement. As we were pretty much done emptying it, I realized that the ec wouldn't fit around the bend to the basement. So, our options changed:

1. get rid of old entertainment center, buy a new entertainment center for downstairs, buy a second entertainment center, or whatever, for the family room.

2. Leave the old tv/ec upstairs, put the hdtv downstairs. Buy sofas, and an entertainment center for down there (or put it on the wall... still up in the air).

We went with option two. We have a giant finished basement with nothing in it. This will motivate us to furnish it. I will have to watch the philles and eagles in high def while sitting on a folding chair for now, but in about 2 months when downstairs is finished, and I have the full set up, including hdtv, surround sound, bar, foosball table, pool table, ping pong table, olympic sized pool, hot tub, water slide, and indoor track, I will be a very happy man.

Win. Win. Win.

Eww

File this show under things to never lay my eyes on.

Rejected

Every Sunday I check to see if my Postsecret made it. I'm still saddened that it never did.

Just agree with me

So, the wife and I are butting heads over what to do about the new TV we got. The cable guy is coming out of Friday to hook it up. The TV doesn't fit in our old entertainment center, so we have to get something new. I want to mount the tv to the wall and run the wires through the wall and down into a small entertainment unit to hold the tivo and dvd player... something cheap for like $100. The tv is somewhat light and will be dangerous in a few years when kenslee is old enough to grab at it. It's pretty much the best way. Here's what it would look like.



Kym wants to get a whole new entertainment system for like a million dollars. Here's what that would look like.


Obviously my way is better, right?

The Eagles ruined my birthday

Go read Popo's account of our dinner on Friday.

Mmmmmmmm...

A few months ago I noticed my statcounter was approaching 100,000 “unique visitors”. I thought that was pretty cool and I developed a plan. The plan was to have my 100,000th hit occur for the first person who looked at my blog on my two-year blogging anniversary. At that point the plan was to award that person with $100,000. $100,000 or 100,000 hugs. Visitor’s choice.

After a few weeks I noticed the number was getting closer to 100,000 faster than I planned. So, I started writing bad posts to keep people away. For nine straight months I wrote bad post after bad post and my plan seemed to be coming to fruition. Then Lance Bass got gay and my plan was shot to hell with about 10,000 hits. Actually, if you take away those LB hits, take away the Adrienne Curry hits, take away the naked Brad Pitt hits, take away the hits of me pressing the refresh button, take away the “chloraphil” google hits, and my actual number is somewhere around 47 unique visitors. So, to those 47 people that have read my blog over the past year and a half, I thank you.

I can’t remember the last time I did it twice in one day.

Today at work we’re having our annual employee checkup type thing. We give a couple of vials of blood to be tested, and then we fill out an online survey about our health. They ask questions about your exercise, eating, drinking, safety, and general health habits. It’s one of the many times of the year I have to lie about my excessive crack cocaine/drinking/drinking and driving/bulimia and anorexia addictions. We get back an extensive analysis of our health and our blood. It’s like getting some expensive tests for free. And everyone who participates gets a discount on his or her health insurance. It’s a win-win-win situation. (I just looked on YouTube for a clip of The Office when they did the win-win-win situation about the poster that Angela loves of babies playing the saxophone, but I couldn’t find it.)

So, this morning I donated my blood and I’m praying I don’t end up like before. I should be fine, it was just a quick in and out job. Afterwards, I’m walking back to my desk when I see some dude being hauled off on a stretcher. Sweating like it’s 140 degrees, and shaking like it’s 140 below. His face looked to be preparing for death and it scared the shit out of me. And now I just heard three other people passed out from giving their blood. So, if this is my last post, tell my wife I

LG

Life is Good.

Eagles won. Redskins lost. Cowboys lost. Giants lost.

My fantasy team is 1-0 with high score for the week (Larry Johnson, Chester Taylor, Terrell Owens, Chris Chambers, Kellen Winslow, John Carney, The Bears, and Hasselbeck [though with the draft being Thursday, I was able to start Charlie Batch for last week]). I’m great.

Work is busy and that’s actually good.

Softball tournament on Saturday.

My birthday is Sunday.

The only thing bringing me down right now is the plans my wife made with Tinapopo for dinner on Friday.

Gameday

Go Birds!

more

Win, Lose, or Draw

The category is Action.... Ready? Go!


No... um... here...

close.... uh....

Right... ok sounds like...

Yes! you got it! or did you?

Yet another stressful day at work

It seems like I went through a four-year period where I had a total of four stressful days. Now, suddenly I have two in one week. A holiday shortened week at that! The presentation went well the other day. It was a major step at getting a promotion at the end of the year. But today’s stress seems to be ten times worse. Today’s stress involves making decisions that will greatly reward or greatly distress me, day in and day out, over the next 17 weeks.

Yes, tonight is my fantasy football draft. If I get the number one pick, who do I take? Is Tiki Barber worthy of the number 4 pick? I was let down by his scumbag New York counterpart, A-rod, in baseball this year. How early will Manning go? Do I dare draft TO at all? Today is the most stressful day of the year.

I tried to distract myself from the stress by rearranging the link list, but I think that only stressed me out more.

PS. Stressful, Plentiful, bountiful, beautiful, crapoful. Doesn't it seem like these words should have two l's on the end of them? I mean, it's basically just saying, Full of Stress. Shouldn't it be stressfull? Stupid.

My parents never got divorced, but now I know what it feels like

First Queen of Pink disappeared, then Chuck hung em up, and now The Daily Dump has quit. Three of my favorite blogs gone within a week of each other. All three are on the top four link lines and none of them every bought me anything, so you know I just plain liked them. Three of the best, down the drain. I blame no one but myself.

Puke

At 2 o’clock I have to give a two hour presentation that will be a major factor in my year end review in which I’m hoping to get a promotion. If I screw this up, I’ll probably be stuck in my same position for the rest of my life. Actually, I’ll probably be demoted to janitor. I haven’t given a real presentation since senior year in college nine years ago. I’m not a very good public speaker. Actually, I’m not a very good private speaker either. This sucks. I hate this shit. I hope the world ends in the next two hours.



********* UPDATE! ************

It went better than I expected. It was a lot more interactive two hours than I thought it would be. And I guess that's good, right? When your audience falls asleep: bad. When your auidence talks more than you: good. The only really scary part was when someone asked a question I couldn't answer. I started to get hot around the collar, then decided to rip my shirt off, hop up on the table, go to bablefish translator, and I yelled "¡míreme, yo están desnudo en la tabla con una pantalla en mi cabeza!" Though, I'm pretty sure bablefish was wrong because I always though table was "mesa", not "tabla". So, that was embarassing.

Best Dad Ever

No, not me. My dad.

Last night Kym and I sat down for dinner when the door rang. It was my parents. We finished up dinner as they played with the baby. After we finished they said they had a present for us. We went out the the car and helped them carry in a brand new 40 inch Sony HDTV. I don't know why he bought it for us, but I'm sure not complaining. How sweet is that??!?

Also, I'm still getting about 50 hits a day of retards looking for lance bass pictures. Does anyone know how to delete that post out so I don't get the hits? It's over a year old and more than 300 posts ago so I don't know how to get rid of it.

Typing with my eyes closed would have been hard

So, yesterday I hit Publish and started my no-reading protest. I decided that by not reading I would be protesting the inhumane killing of elephants in Chad, Africa. These innocent elephants are being killed by poachers for their sweet, sexy, delicious, ivory tusks. Upon hitting Publish I saw "Please wait while your..." and I immediately shut my eyes in protest. But, alas, I realized I was too late. And I was sure another Africana elephant just bit the dust because of my heartless act of reading. I can deal with one dead elephant, so I restarted my protest.

Three seconds later I realized I didn't proofread my post. I can't stand embarasing speling mistakes, so I sacrificed a few more dozen elephants as I went back and proofread my post. A few minutes later I realized my plight was worthless as I noticed a comment that I had to read. So, poachers: You win. Go ahead and keep on poaching. Elephants: I'm sorry I couldn't fight harder. But think of it this way: your death means someone is probably getting a really nice ivory bracelet or maybe even a sweet ass ivory chess set. Seems worth it now. Doesn't it? You greedy, self-centered, ivory-hoarding elephants.

Stop Signs

I've decided that I waste too much time reading. So, I'm quitting. Not just books, but everything. No more reading newspapers. No more reading blogs. No more reading emails. No more reading Traffic signs, menus, text messages, flash cards, keyboards, eye charts, or alphabets.

Granted, I'll end up losing my job, not knowing the score to a baseball game, losing touch with people, getting into car accidents, being bad at 3rd grade math, getting really thick glasses, and eating really bad food. But, you know what? It will all be worth it in the end. How, you ask? I'm not yet sure. I'll write when I find out.

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted. Vacation, Had to Get Away.

First of all, I always thought the lyrics to Vacation were Vacation, Happy to get away.

But anyway, we're back from our week in North Carolina. It was awesome. Every vacation I ever go on is a golfing vacation or a vacation with Kym's family. I never have anyone to play with on the beach. I basically skimboard for an hour then I'm bored for the rest of the day. We went with 3 other couples and it was awesome to throw a football, toss a frisbee, play Muckers, and to bring a tennis ball into the ocean and invent a game that involves throwing the ball as hard as you can at the other guy to see who can stop it the most. And with all my family vacations, tivo was the nightly entertainment. With friends it was booze and lots of it. I've been going through withdrawl all day. The shakes are coming on strong now.

While it was a great vacation, the best day of all was yesterday, on Titso and I's one year anniversary. We woke up at 3am and got to driving. After missing a turn and losing 45 minutes, we were back on track and home by 1:15pm. 9 glourious hours of driving. Such a great anniversary, right?!? But, for real, the best thing of the past ten days was as we were giving Kenslee a bath to go out to a nice dinner. While in NC, she became a different baby. She actually took naps during the day, but she is now no longer sleeping through the night. Where she used to looove the bath, now she screamed bloody murder. We were scared she'd continue to hate the bath at home. When she got in last night she was a little hesitant, so Kym decided to try out so bath toys for the first time ever. This resulted in Kenslee's first ever laugh out loud (while awake). It melted our hearts. Kym ran to get the video camera and we caught the last few laughs on tape. I put a bootleg copy of it on the baby blog.




take note of kens' onsie. It says "Made in Italy". It's the fisrt thing I ever got for her. I had it made when we found out kym got pregnant in italy on our honeymoon.


So, I'm back, and tomorrow I work from home, alone with Kenslee for the first time. If I log on to ask for someone to come kill me, please, track me down and mercy kill me.

Guess what?

I leave for vacation in 40 hours.

And you don't.

Bitches!

Stress

Every once in a while I stumble upon a post of somebody talking about how some other blogger they read got fired for what they wrote in their blog. It’s called being “dooced”. I’m pretty sure that’s nothing more than a reference to taking a dump. Anyway, so I really try not to talk about my work on my blog. I talk about it sometimes, but only when I’m happy about things. You can’t get fired for talking about happy things, right!? So, I’ve been trying not to complain in fear that my co-workers or bosses might find my blog and take a dump on me. But, I’m at the point that I need to vent. Venting to my wife just isn’t enough, so I need to write it down for the world to see. So, here goes:

Being a male stripper is stressful. Because that’s what I am. I don’t have a non-stressful job such as, oh I don’t know... a computer programmer. Being a computer programmer is probably a walk in the park. It’s my job as a male stripper, not a programmer, that is really stressing me out right now. It’s partially the thongs I have to wear, and partially the women throwing themselves at me that’s killing me. If I were only a computer programmer and had to do something easy like prepare and present an architectural review for all of upper management to analyze and critique, life would be simple. But no. I chose to be a stripper, and NOT a computer programmer. Life on the pole ain’t easy.

Why I gave up saving lives

Two and a half years ago I was an avid blood donor. We have regular blood drives at work and I always gave. Then one foolish phlebotomist missed my vein twice. She finally found it, but she messed my arm up so bad I couldn’t lift it above my head for 3 days. I swore off giving blood for the rest of my life. About a year ago I was over my trauma and tried to give again. But, I had been in Punta Cana, so I wasn’t allowed because of the malaria risk. So, last Wednesday was my first chance to get back in the hero business. The guy found the vein on the first try, so I thought I was good to go. On Friday my arm started to bruise and today, 5 days later, it looks like a 64 box of Crayola threw up on my elbow.




An eight inch bruise for a little prick. Or a big prick depending on how much you dislike me.

Suri Revealed!

Cnn.com has reported that pictures of baby Suri will soon surface. I’ve been sitting on this for a while, but I think it’s time to reveal that I, like Leah Remini and all the other wackos, have seen baby Suri. I even snapped a few pictures. Here’s the little cutie at one week old!




She must have been sleeping the whole time I was there because she didn’t move. She had her eyes open, but Tommy says all good Thetans sleep with one eye open. Apparently lil Suri is an over-achiever already! Sleeps with two eyes open!

It was a few weeks between that first time and the next time I saw her. And this time I saw her she had already grown her Scientolowings! Isn’t she fantastic!

Fidelity - Regina Spektor

I heard this song on Sirius. I bought the cd and I fell in love with the song and her. Too bad I'm happily married and I'm pretty sure she's a lesbian.

PS. Why does every youtube video's sound seem to be off?

PPS. Do you think when she was little all the mean girls called her VaGina InSpektor?

Dating and Playing. Two things my daughter will not be allowed to do.

Friday night Kym invited over some work friends for happy hour. Being the gracious host that I am, I decided to go beer for beer, shot for shot, with everyone that was there over the period of 6 hours. And, well, I was wasted. If you have a baby that wakes up at 7am and you have to get up with her, I highly suggest not getting wasted like that. But, being the great dad I am, I was up with her, fed her, and I with a little bit of luck, I got her back to sleep for a few more hours.

Later in the day she was grumpy so we decided (I was forced) to go out to the park with her. I don’t know if it’s the new playground technology, if I’m an overprotective dad, or I’m just old, but playgrounds are fuckin dangerous these days.

First, there’s the rock climbing wall thingy. Sounds innocent enough. No... actually, that sounds dangerous to begin with. Add in the chain linked, umm, chain, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. The playground looks like this:



I see this:




Yes, if I ever let her play, it would be in a pink dress with pink high heels.


Next, the slides. This one does sound innocent. And if it weren’t for the fact that the slide was literally perpendicular to the ground it would have been. The playground looks like this:



I see this:



The final deathtrap I saw was actually on the playground specifically made for the smallest of kids. It was a dinosaur looking thing with a ladder kids climb up. Except the rungs on the ladder were the perfect size for kids legs to slip between. The playground looks like this:




I see this:




And that will be why my daughter will not be allowed to leave the house and she'll have no friends.

Like me.

I bet your dad could beat up this dad.

Last night I took my lovely wife to go see the Broadway production of The Lion King. Well, we went to the Philly version of the Broadway production of The Lion King. Tickets for this thing went on sale last year and I got tickets for Kym for Christmas. So, she's been looking forward to it for 8 months now. On Monday I had a softball playoff game and if I won, the next game was last night, but we suck and we lost, so I got stuck going to see some fruity play. I've only been to one other show in my life: Stomp. It gave me a headache.

The show starts with some lady screaming in African (is African a language?) and the stage fills up with all these slightly disturbing looking people prancing around in extravagant animal outfits singing about some "Circle of Life" or whatever. It was big and beautiful and loud and bright and I thought to myself, "I wonder if Chase Utley got a hit yet."

So, Simba is born and the kid who plays young Simba is actually entertaining and I'm enjoying it. blah, blah, blah, and we met Simba's evil uncle Scar. He's not all that scary, but when he leads Simba to the elephant graveyard with the hyenas, it's actually a little frightening. I'd say about 20% of the audience was kids and I can only image a lot of them were scared. We go through the show and there's a lot of boring scenes, and there's several scary scenes with the two main bad-evil hyenas, and the dopey sidekick hyena, Ed. Fast forward, Scar and hyenas are removed from power, Simba's king, we go home and get our daughter from my parents house after not seeing her for longer than either of us have gone in two months.

We go home, I see Chase Utely got two hits, I go to sleep. And I have nightmares. Nightmares about two evil guys who beat and kill people and have a dopey sidekick, Ed. And they kill Ed and they start chasing me and I wake up and I have to pee and I realize how much of a pussy I am. The End.

Pictures

I try to post a simple picture of a starburst man screwing a leprechaun and you all start sticking your noses in my business looking at all the other pictures on my desk. So, here they are.

On the far right is a picture of me skydiving from about 5 years ago. This isn't the actual picture, but I have a whole roll of them, so I scanned in a different one.


The "topless" picture is from our wedding. It's one of my favorite pictures and I don't remember it being taken. At our wedding we had those stupid table cameras where we had 500 pictures developed and this is the only one I'll ever look at again. I think it was Kym's cousin taking a picture as a joke because they were faking being so excited that we came to visit them. I love the happiness that lights up her face and I'm perfectly caught in the background drinking my captian and coke and being amused by the seemingly mischevious happenings.



This is another one I don't remember being taken. I love the look on Kenslee's face. She looks so contently bored. I think this was the day she came home from the hospital when she was still just a little peanut. It's in a "Daddy and Me" frame.



And obviously the last picture is my boy.

Over the past 6 days I’ve had approximately 3500 people visit my site looking at lance bass pictures. Approximately 3499 clicked on nothing but bass. Today one person actually looked at my sidebar and noticed that I make starburst porn and clicked on all of that. And it reminded me. It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?

It's not the first time he's caused a rise like this in me

Holy Lance Bass is gay traffic!

I write one little post asking people who they think they hottest boy band member is and suddenly 88% of the traffic to my site is people looking to get a little piece of Man BAss. I'm literally getting 4-5 hits per minute of people looking for his picture. Imagine how many I'd get if I posted the ones from Lance and I's private collection!?

Harold and Kumar ruin everything

One early evening on vacation I settled in front of the tv. We don’t have HBO at home so I was pretty excited to watch some good movies. I avoided watching Entourage because it was my favorite show last year and I want to watch the whole season in a row. After watching Napoleon Dynamite for the 13th time I was ready for something new. And that’s when I discovered Harold And Kumar go to White Castle. It was really fuckin funny in a this-is-the-most-retarded-shit-I’ve-ever seen kinda way. I mean, does it get any funnier than seeing Doogie Howser doing a line of coke off a chicks ass sticking out of the sunroof of a car he stole after hitchhiking? I don’t think so.

After watching the last 45 minutes of that masterpiece my mood was just as bright when I went out on the balcony where Kym and her parents and Kenslee were hanging out. My mother in law was dancing like a fool trying to get my daughter to laugh and she was. A few minutes later Kym leaned over and kissed her dad on the cheek and on the lips and I knew something wasn’t quite right. Kym and her mom took the baby inside leaving me in what became an awkward silence with her dad. I went inside to get ready for Kym and I’s night out. While getting ready she told me her dad just told her he has cancer. It’s “only” prostate cancer if there’s such thing as “only” cancer. He gets treatment in September and won’t be able to hold the baby for several months and isn’t supposed to hug any women in their child bearing years. So, basically it got us off our lazy asses to get Kens baptized before then, and things aren’t super happy right now. And I definitely hate cancer more than I did 3 posts ago.

Back. Without a bang.

- My daughter is more and more like me everyday. She’s had my eyes since she was born. On vacation we found she has my love of swimming in the pool. And on the way home from vacation we found out she has my hatred for driving 680 miles in one day.
- I won a resort poker tournament. 4 tickets to a variety of local attractions. We picked miniature golfing. Titso’s mom beat me.
- I didn’t miss blogging when I was gone. I read blogs whilst gone, but I was too lazy and didn't care to write or usually to comment.
- I have the world’s worst fantasy baseball team.
- Looking at my statcounter it seems that the only people that visit here anymore are people looking for pictures of Brad Pitt’s penis and Adrienne Curry’s ass.
- You would think that since I was gone for a week I’d have at least one blog worthy experience. You’d be wrong in your thinking.

I'll be gone till November

Or maybe just all of next week. Have fun while I'm lying on the beach, playing in the ocean, golfing, and wrestling aligators. While I'm gone may I suggest you do one or more of the following that are just as fun as reading my blog?:

- kick a puppy
- learn oragami
- fake your own death
- actually die
- drink until you need to get your stomach pumped
- read the bible
- reenact every scene from the bible
- just go to work like you do everyday

Soured

I want to start this post off by telling you how much I hate cancer. I really hate cancer. It’s like, probably one of the worst diseases. Top 3 worst diseases. Cancer, AIDS, and some other disease I can’t think of right now are the top three. Not necessarily in that order.

So, naturally I was happy to see that Alex’s Lemonade stand was going to be coming to our work today. I get to have lemonade, and hate cancer at the same time. An unbeatable mix. Add the fact that Rita’s Water Ice would be here too, it’s pretty much the best cancer hating day at work ever.

So, I went out and grabbed lunch. I ate some delicious pizza and came back to work to settle in for a nice big glass of cancer hating lemonade. Unfortunately, my optional 2 dollar donation didn’t exactly yield me that tall, refreshing glass I was hoping for.

Still nothing??

I get so sick of looking at the same post for more than 2 days in a row. I keep coming back and hoping that I wrote and posted something new. Unfortunately, I still haven’t.

A meeting of the 78,816th and 46,236th most famous bloggers in the world*

Titso and Tinapopo made plans to meet at a restaurant halfway between our houses at 7pm on Saturday night. The night got off to a late start as Tina and Andrew rolled in around 8:30, drunk, and smelling a little bit like crack cocaine. They stumbled to our table at the back of the restaurant. A quaint window table with a view of the dumpsters. We rose to greet them. "Ooohhh, Kenslee looks so much cuter in the pictures," she said. Odd, I thought to myself. She must have said that wrong. But, no. It turns out Tinapopo is a real bitch. "This is a real shitty restaurant you guys picked out." She then told us. Just then the waitress came to our table to take our orders. "I order you to take a shower you skank," Tina said before smacking the waitress in the ass. The rest of us ordered our food then Andrew asked to hold the baby. When we handed her over he threw her up in the air and drop kicked her across the restaurant. Then Tina pulled a Molotov Cocktail out of her handbag and burned the restaurant to the ground. As the smoke built they held guns to our back and forced us to smile for a picture.




* - according to technorati

I like how firefox saves every blog title I've ever had when I go to type in a title here

If I can think of anything to write, I’ll do it later. Until then I bore you with this. Last night we beat the perennial champion softball team for only the 2nd time in the past 6 years. We’re getting better, hitting better, making little to no errors, plus we have me. I’m like Tony the Tiger. I’m grrrrreeeat!

In other news, I’ve exchanged emails with many bloggers. I’ve received cd’s from a couple of bloggers. And even received a baby shower present from a blogger. But I’ve never met one. Have you? Titso is supposed to be making plans for this weekend with a fellow blogger to hang out, get drunk, and talk about how much better our blogs are than yours. Jealous much?

World Cup Soccer Goalie

VoF reminded me this is why "football" is so gay.

Nobody's working today, so what's the point?

I was going to recap my weekend but I bored myself when I started. One point of interest was that I watched the Portugal/England World Cup game on Saturday. It was the biggest waste of two hours ever. I’ve now watched two games and not a single goal has been scored. Both games were decided by two of the most boring shootouts ever. How is the whole rest of the world so fascinated by this crap?

HUH? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I HAVE HEADPHONES ON. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SPEAK UP!

I feel bad for you

I wrote the best freakin post this morning. It was so good that I had to keep to to myself. My Precious post for just me. I don’t want to give too much away about it in case someone else comes up with the same idea, but I will tell you it involved an ice cream cone with jimmies on top and a unicorn winning the Kentucky Derby. You guys are so unlucky that you can’t read it all.

Six Degrees of Portuguese Nation?

Today while perusing my favorite ego feeding site I noticed that I am the only English speaking link on a Portuguese blogger’s link list. So, first of all, I guess I now have to expand my six degrees of blogger nation rules to include not only English sites, but also Portuguese. Second, I’m still pondering how this makes me feel. Any link is a good link, but what if this person makes fun of me on their blog all the time. That wouldn’t be a good link. But, I have to assume there’s no mal intent here.

There’s no English at all on this person’s site. So, do they even know English? Maybe they’re learning English by reading my site! How cool would that be! I wonder if I can put that on my resume. If they’re learning the language by reading Chloraphil, they’ve made the write choice. They will be a very well speaker before long.

My next train of thought is a wonderment of what kind of stuff they write about. Most of the English speaking people that read my site have somewhat the same type of humor that I have. This Portuguesean must be a pretty funny guy/girl themself. So, through the magic of alta vista I translated something they’ve written recently. Here’s an excerpt:

“I likes wine. Me like wines and sheep cheese. The most popular cheese of Portugal! Pork meat is also very popular in my home land. Actually, just because I speak Portuguese doesn’t mean I live in Portugal, but we’ll just make that assumption for now. Want to know another one of my favourites? Pastries! Portugese people are sweet toothed! My last favourite thing I like is Starburst Porn!”

At least that’s what I think alta vista translated it as. It only translated every other word, so I just filled in the blanks.

I'm Smart (note the capital "S")

One thing I think a lot of people don’t realize is that in order to be a good parent you have to be smart. When your baby cries, you have to be smart enough to realize she hasn’t eaten in four hours. If she cries more you have to realize you haven’t changed her diaper in two or three days. And the thing with changing diapers is you have to be smart about it. A lesser parent would have been pooped or peed on more than the 5 times I have. If your baby cries more you have to be smart enough to realize they want to be held.

Being a good dad basically takes a genius. Luckily for Kenslee I’m the smartest person she knows. Except for her mom. And probably the doctor that delivered her. And most of the nurses. And probably all four of her grandparents. And just about all of her aunts and uncles. But, yeah, my daughter is lucky I’m one of the smartest people she knows.

Sheesh!

What a long day today's been!

Get it?

huh?

huh?

Ya know..

Cause today's summer solstice!

woohoo!

I'm hilarous!

I'm Loving it!

Pink Kitty and Melissa have both recently stated that they are, or want to grow their hair out so they can donate it to Locks of Love. I’ve never mentioned it on here before, but I did that once a few years back. I generally can’t stand it when my hair is longer than an inch or so, but it was such a good cause I couldn’t pass it it. Like Melissa said, “it's a great organization and it's ultimately for one of the best causes out there: the vanity of cancer patients”
Anyway, I thought I’d share with you the pictures from when I went through this process.




Before:




My donatee was kinda punk, so I had to dye my hair towards the end.



One little known fact about Lock of Love is they accept all bodily hair.

My chest hair went to some lucky Italian Stallion.



And my pubes? Well, I still haven’t shaved them.

Pappa Bear

My first Father’s Day started like every other day does now: with a baby crying at 7am. She wasn’t, and doesn’t so much cry at 7am, rather, she grunts. We seriously have the loudest sleeping baby in the world. At home she sleeps in a bassinet on Titso’s side of our king-sized bed and I have a fan on my side. The fan and distance drowns out a lot of the little noises she makes. Over the weekend, we went down to spend the weekend with Titso’s parents in Virginia. She slept in a make-shift bassinet on the floor and Titso and I slept in a double-sized bed in a fanless room. And let me tell you this, my baby girl makes some serious noise in her sleep. From yelps, to fakeout cries, to grunt after grunt, she’s got it all. She makes so much noise that you wake up to get her because she must be dying or something, but when you go to pick her up, it turns out she’s just sleeping.

Anyway, Titso was good to me and took her downstairs to let me sleep in on Fathers Day. I woke up and we ate and hit the road shortly after that. On the way down to VA Kenslee was an angel and slept the whole time, minus our dinner stop. She was a bit more fussy on the ride home, but we powered on to get home for the blogger poker tourney. I lasted for 3 hours in that, then we headed out to a local pub for a father’s day dinner. Kenslee was quiet for all of about 10 minutes before the crying started. We rushed through dinner and went home. I got a couple of nice shirts and a “Daddy and Me” picture frame in which this picture will be placed:




All in all it was and good fathers day. I could have done without the 4 hour drive and the all-day fussiness. But, I’ve been a father for 3 weeks now and I’ve loved every minute of it. (Not including the 3 hours Titso left me alone with her while I was trying to work from home on Friday.)

blogger poker tourney - In typical fashion

I beat 2100 people, and came up 120 short of winning anything.

***
Update: Take note of the person taking my chips in the above picture. Now take note of who is about to win the tourney. It took the best player in the blogger world to take me out!!

A line em up knock em down day at work

Today at work I'm going bowling. Half of my team works out of north jersey and the other half is down here by philly. After every big release we have, we get together to "celebrate". In about a half hour I'm taking Kenslee to the doctor for a checkup, then I'm heading up to Princeton, NJ. We're going to lunch, then going bowling. I'm sure I can win over my new team by bowling good! Wish me luck!

I play favorites

I’ve updated my links. I’ve added some, deleted some, changed some, put new pictures in for some. And I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve listed you in the order that I love you.

Some of you have gained more of my love through your wit.

Some of you post everyday and keep me more entertained than others.

Some of you increased your position by buying, making, or giving me stuff.

Some remain on the linkage even though you barely write, but I want you to come back, so I leave you there. But you’re lower than you would be if you posted more. I would love you more if you let me.

There’s a few of you that don’t have a link. You’re bookmarked, but I’ve been burned in the past by people who entertain me briefly, only to let me down before long. You still need to prove my love for you. Or buy me something.

It's called Roshambo for all you unlearned

Did anyone catch the Rock, Paper, Scissors Championships on tv last night?

If so, did you see the one part where the one guy threw rock, and the other guy also threw rock? It was freakin mayhem. Then there was the one part where the lady threw paper and the guy threw rock and she covered his rock with her paper? He cried foul because you can’t make contact! A fight almost broke out. Then, the one lady who threw paper, then changed it to rock? Ha! You’re caught lady! They went to the slow motion reply! You rockhead! You know how the old saying goes: "I'm rock and you're paper, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to your scissors."

again.

Every time I go to Qdoba and get habanero salsa on my burrito I regret it.

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 7194295

Oh, my God!

Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson says it is the God's honest truth -- he did, indeed, once leg-press a ton when he was almost 73 and had prostate cancer, and he still regularly lifts up to 1,200 pounds with his legs.


Here’s a list of other things Pat Robertson has done that are not mentioned in this article.

- Pat Robertson once swam around the world. Underwater.
- Pat Robertson can throw a football over them mountains. If coach woulda put him in, they’d have been state champions.
- Lance Armstrong is really Pat Robertson wearing a Lance Armstrong mask.
- The part in Forrest Gump where he runs across the United States was based on something Pat Robertson did one time on a bet.
- Pat Robertson’s sweat cures AIDS. He’s just not giving it to them gays.
- You know the Greek mythological character Atlas, who holds the world on his shoulders? Pat Roberson bitch slapped him once.
- In May of 2003 a Nuclear Bomb was accidentally dropped on Arkansas. But, luckily, Pat Robertson flew around the world backwards really fast, like Superman, and time reversed and he was able to prevent the disaster.

Mascot

Last night there was a llama at my softball game. Seriously. Some guy was walking his llama around the parking lot of our softball field. We’ve been playing at this field for 6 years now. Just last year someone looked across the street and noticed gigantic birds in this guy’s backyard. He had a flock of Ostriches. Either Ostriches or Emus. Now apparently he’s moved on to llamas. Anyway, he was walking the llama when someone hit a foul ball in it’s direction. The llama freaked out and broke loose. He was running around the field then he noticed one of the guys on the other team had brought his family. The llama ran over and ate the guy’s baby. OK, maybe that’s a lie, but there was seriously a llama at my softball game last night.

The future's so bright...

Tim circa 1975:



Kenslee 2006:



Tim 2005:



Kenslee circa 2036: