Wedding Crashers

This weekend at the beach Kym's sister's best friend while growing up got married on the beach. We weren't invited, but Kym hasn't seen her sister in 7 months and she wanted to see Kenslee, so we were told to come. It was all very casual, and zen, and Buddha, and the two getting married are both vegans, so it all was very granola, and they were happy to have us.

So, as we arrived Kym's sister was in the street and whisked Kym and Kenslee off to one house while I was told to go to another house with Kym's parents. After an awkward half hour (Kym's parents knew no one either) we all paraded to the beach.



Kenslee was instantly a nightmare, so we had to stand off to the side as to not interrupt.



We had some fun..



..but as the guests of honor were a half hour late, fun turned to crying and right after Kym's sister's friend was walked down the beach by her dad and father-in-law...




Kenslee and I left the beach and missed the whole thing. In most cases I would have been happy with her because weddings are generally boring unless they are you're own. But I wasn't happy, I wanted to see this wedding. It would have been a beautiful sight. Not for the romace of it, but because...

..

..
..

It was two chicks!!!!!



SWEEET! God Bless New Jersey!

semi-new parenting question

104.5 is not a good temperature for a baby to have, right?

The 5 second rule doesn't apply on the beach

In the not too distant past I used to take time out of my day blogging to do some work. Nowadays I look at the clock, see it's 2:30 and realize I really need to blog something or else people will start to think I have herpies or something that's keeping me from writing. So, here it is. Ummmm, so what's new with you? Oh really? Is it contagious? Yeah, not much here. Ummm, I had friday off and went to the good ole Jersey shore. My parents got a shore house for 2 months so they can enjoy some extended time with the kids and grandkids. It was Kenslee's first time on the beach since she was 3 months old.



The air temperature offshore was in the 80's but with the wind coming off the ocean, it was about 60 on the beach and the water was somewhere in the teens I think. Being the good parents we are, we forced her to go in the water for a little. She loved the water and the waves, but it was too cold so that only lasted about 3 minutes. Then we wrapped up and ate some sand.

Update II

Another update on my new years resolutions..

blah, blah, blah...

Get a promotion or new job by midyear - Fucking done. My promotion went through today. I'm no longer a regular douchebag. I'm now a Senior douchebag!

Things heard one year ago to the moment

It's a girl!



Happy B-Day baby girl.

My excuse for not blogging all week...

Ummm, my dog ate my blog?

hmmmm

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Beating Women

Cecily Tynan is a newscaster in Philly. A few years ago, before Alycia Lane hit the airwaves, she was probably condisered the hottest newscaster in the area.

Rewind to my 5 mile race a few weeks ago. There was a girl 10 yards in front of me for most of the race. With about a half mile to go I turned on the jets and passed her. Much to my surprise, while looking at the results, I found out it was the one and only Cecily Tynan that I had passed in the last half mile. I took great pride in that. She was on the cover of Runners World and according to the station she works for "Ms. Tynan is a four-time sub-3 hour marathoner, former world-class professional duathlete and a top ten age group finisher at the 2003 Ironman World Championships in Kona, Hawaii." She's so serious about her running that she dumped her husband for her trainer.

I was very proud of myself for beating such an accomplished runner.

Until I was watching the news the other day and noticed she's about 6 months pregnant.

me

I'm normally too lazy to do meme's, but I'm even more lazy to write something else, so I'll do this. Cruel Shoes tagged me.


8 weird things about me

I have brain damage - When I was about 6 years old I was at a basketball game down town. Afterwards I had a foot race with my brother to the car and I ran into a chain link wire that was hanging between two poles. It upended me and I landed on my head. I only got 3 stitches, but I'm fairly certain at least half of my brain leaked out onto the pavement.

I'm a Thanksgiving Nazi - It's not that I particularly enjoy the holiday, I just feel it gets the royal screwover because Christmas season seems to start in mid september these days.

I'm an inventor - My best invention is a tool to convert uppercase letters to lowercase in Word or internets. I haven't actually developed or patented this yet. It's on my Invention To Do list. Along with cars that run on air and the bottomless cup of coffee.

I have six fingers on both hands - We'll, I don't actually have six fingers on both hands, but I know of someone who does.

When I was little I didn't want to be a Policeman or a Fireman or an Astronaut. I wanted to be a blogger. Dreams do come true.

I never make lists of 8. Seven is my limit.

Now I'm supposed to tag 8 other people. The coolest thing I've ever seen with tagging was someone hit the next button and tagged whoever it brought them to. But, I'm much too lazy to go through with that. So, the first 8 people to not comment here are tagged.

Movie Night at the O'Household.

Over the weekend I watched the movie Little Children. It's about cheating spouses and a pedophile. It's a very good movie. If you plan on seeing it and haven't yet you might want to stop reading now as I will give a spoiler.

OK, those of you cool people that have seen it... I don't really have a spoiler. I just wanted to weed out all those losers. How about those douchebags!! Don't you just hate all those people that stopped reading after the first paragraph?!? Man, they missed out on some high quality writing right here! Did you see how I used "write" and "right" back to back? I'm awesome. Unlike those nerds who didn't read this.

So, that's my input on Little Children.

Update

I'm angry at myself because I can't think of anything to write, so I'm going to revisit my New Years Resolutions to give an update on my progresses.

Be cooler. - This was going exactly as planned until yesterday. I accidentally wore heavy corduroy pants and it was 80 degrees outside. I was hot as hell. Not cool at all.

Eat lunch and/or dinner every day. - Failed. On the evening of February 13th I got sick. I didn't eat lunch or dinner until February 16th. I suck.

Drink liquids. Done! I'm drinking water as we speak, bitches!

Get promotion or get a new job by mid-year. - Don't talk to me about this.

Do fun stuff. - Is running fun? Not really. Umm, how about mowing the lawn? Weeding? Mulching? Shaving?

Shower. - Done! 3 weeks ago!

Get haircut. - Done! 2 weeks ago!

Rent movies. - Done! I rented that one with that guy who does that thing then the other guy does other things too.

Blow nose when full of snot. Or pick. - Picked!

Change diapers when full of poop and/or pee (not mine). - Done! Kens makes it very simple to know when she's in need of a change by squatting down and grunting out her poops.

Be Awesome. - Clearly done.

Broad Street Run

Not that anyone really cares...

My day began when I woke up to go to the bathroon at 4:15am. Afraid my alarm wouldn't go off I drifted in and out of sleep for the next hour or so. Eventually got up and out of the house around 5:50am to meet up with my brother. The race starts in North Philly and finishes in South Philly in the Navy Yard next to the Stadium Complex. Runners park at the stadiums and get a free subway ride to the start. Get there, stand in long lines to pee, stretch, and we're off...



(This photo is doctored. That traffic light was red. Those fuckers didn't stop. Buncha cheaters.)

It was a veeerry windy day and it was freezing (about 50ish with a wind chill in the 40's would be my guess) at the start, but once we started moving the weather was not a factor. The wind was at our backs most of the race. I've run a marathon, and I've done 5K-5 milers, but I've never run a mid distance like this. I was hoping to average around 7:18 miles. The first three miles I felt like I was going easy and went out with a 7:07, 7:10, 7:09. Fearing I was going too fast I backed off and did a few miles around 7:22ish. With three miles to go I felt I was going too slow and finished strong with miles of 7:19, 7:17 and 7:15. My final time was 1:13.15, which averages out to 7:19's. Pretty much exactly what I wanted. Some Kenyan dude ran the fastest 10 miles ever on American soil thank to the wind at our backs. A lot of people ran thhier best times ever and I feel like I could have done better. After I finished I felt like I could have done another 3 miles at the same pace. But, for my first 10 miler, I'm pretty happy. I'm about to sign up for the half marathon in September and probably a full one in October or November.

My Lazy Initiative has me trying something new.

I was mugged last night. I was at my boyfriend Michael's house watching Heroes. Michael offered me a ride, but I decided to walk home. I stopped at AWOL for about 10 minutes, then walked to Broad street. I thought a well-lit, highly trafficed area would be safer.

Near the corner of Broad and Parson's three men in their early twenties approached me. One asked for a light for his cigarette. I gave it to them. Then he told me that they had a gun and were going to shoot me if I didn't give them my bag and my wallet. I didn't see a gun, but have always been told not to take chances. I handed the stuff over. Then they told me to "run, faggot, or we'll shoot you." So I did.

I went back to AWOL and called the cops. I've already filed a police report.

They got my bag and my wallet.

In my bag:

Cell Phone.
Cell Phone charger.
Journal.
Fancy pens.
Two books.
Notebook with all my research for the BTW main ritual.
Condoms (cause I'm a good homo, I am.)
The receipt for my cell phone, with which I was going to get the $60 mail-in rebate.
My checkbook.

In my wallet:

A 15 dollar wal-mart gift card.
About 35 dollars in cash.
My brand-new driver's liscense.
My COSI credit card.
My COSI work ID

I wasn't hurt, though. I've gotta remember that.

I was able to give the cops a good description of the muggers. The cops were friendly but not hopeful.

Yesterday was a crap day.

All my phone numbers and contact informations were in the phone and bag. So, if you're someone I routinely talk to, please email me at my work address to let me know your contact info.

Billy don't be a Hiro

Last night I watched this week's episode of Heroes. For those that don't watch it, it took place 5 years in the future and NYC was hit by a bomb and Hiro had the chance to go back in time to prevent it, he just wasn't sure where he needed to go back to. So, that raised a thought in my miniscule brain. If I could go 5 years in the future to see what my life was like with an opportunity to change things, would I? Would you? I know that in 5 years I'm going to be the President of the world. I really don't want to be that because I don't want to spend all that money on the suits I'd have to wear as a person in that position. So, in order to prevent that from happening I have to start being more lazy. Starting now.

In Lieu

Read about my wonderful parenting skills.

Nips!

It finally happened last night as some of you warned. I got chaffed nipples. (Bring on the web search hits!) On Wednesday's I usually run with a guy I work with and we had 10 miles scheduled. It was pouring rain, but we're both too competitive to back down and we did it anyway. Apparently the fomula for chaffed nipples is a wet shirt and 10 miles. They fucking hurt. I can't imagine what it would be like to breast feed out of these babies.

In other disgusting running news I ripped off a toenail last night. I got new sneakers 9 weeks ago and on my second time out with them I over did it on the treadmill and one toenail turned black. About two weeks ago it started to peel away from the base and I could just feel that horrible toenail monster hanging out under there with all his friend drinking mini beers and picking up one-legged hookers. Last night during Lost I decided to just rip it off. mmmmm.... you gotta love running!

Nothing much

It's time for a new car in the O'Household. We've both got cars that are six years old now. My civic will probably last another 10 years, so Kym's QX4 will be traded in for another SUV which will be kid-friendly. We're thinking a Honda Pilot. What do you think? Any suggestions?

I lost my wedding ring somewhere between my race on Sunday and my softball game on Monday. So, I guess that means I'm single again.

189 miles run Since January 29th. 10 miles after work today. Then just 21 more before my 10 miler next Sunday. Then what? Probably a beer gut.

Five weeks from now Kenslee will be 1. That's just crazy.

Before work this morning I put weed and feed on my lawn. I was considering dedicating an entire post to how much weeds gross me out. But, I couldn't come up with the right words to express my disgust.

One Down

Yesterday I ran in the first of the two races I signed up for. It was a 5 mile race in Valley Forge Park. Valley Forge is a historical park where battles in the revolutionary war took place. It's really hilly and was probably a great place to fight a good old fashioned war with those cannons on wheels and muskets and funny looking hats. It's not a great place to run. It's beautiful, and they never cleaned up the dead bodies, so it's fun to have to jump over those, but hills are tough when you're not used to them. I wanted to lie down and take a nap halfway through the race. But, I didn't. And I finished strong and averaged 7:18 miles and I'm ready for the 10 Miler in two weeks now. The End.

PS. What's with the surge of traffic to my site of people looking for naked pictures of Brad Pitt?

My thoughts

OK, so what happened at VTech on Monday was one of the worst things ever. It was probably one of the most despicable acts coordinated by a single human being ever. Here's my list:

1. Hilter killing all the Jews
2. September 11
3. Jonestown massacre
4. Oklahoma bombing
5. VTech killings
6. "Nappy headed ho's"

My heart and prayers go out to everyone affected by this.

So, here comes my complaint... Can we not remember this by the date? I'm starting to see murmurs of "Remember 4-16-07". Can we not ruin another day of the year by referring to a tragedy simply by the date. I'm sure there are thousands of Americans who were born on September 11th in any year and their birthdays are now ruined. Can we not let this tragedy be known as 4-16? We only have 365 days in a year and 366 on leap years. Can we not have them all referred to by the tragedy that happened that day?

Except February 29th. No one really cares about that day.

A point not well made

So yesterday on the way home from work I stopped at the store and picked up 12 pack of pepsi. Regularly priced at $4.99, I got it on sale for $3.50. After getting home and getting scolded for not getting a good enough sale price I proceeded to have some Lucky Charms for dinner.

I'm upset about the events of yesterday

My wife and I get along pretty well. I'm an average husband and I feel I'm an above average dad. I don't think she has too much to complain about. She's above average at just about everything so I don't have much too complain about either. We never fight.

But yesterday I got angry at her. She worked from home and went grocery shopping at lunch. When she got home she put the cold stuff away and left the rest in the car for me to unload. I had no problem lifting the several cases of water and the 10 other bags of food in the house. But the contents of the last bag struck a nerve. It was two boxes of Lucky Charms. Lucky Charms are definitely in my top 5 favorite cereals, so you'd think I'd be happy about that. But, as I went to put the cereal away I counted. These two boxes brought our running total of cereal boxes to 21. We have TWENTY-ONE boxes of cereal in our panty. For two of us. Disgusted by this gluttony I went to put away the two boxes of brownie mix she bought. And that brought our brownie mix total to 7 boxes. We eat cereal twice a week probably. I don't know that we've made brownies twice since we've been married. But, like a typical female, she can't pass up a good deal. I don't care if they paid her to take this stuff, it's ridiculous.

With dinner every night I like to have a can of Caffeine Free Pepsi. I like to drink one can every single night. I haven't had a can in approximately 4 weeks now because the sale prices have not been good enough. I can't have something I drink everyday, but we have enough brownie mix to last us until we retire. Desperate times call for desperate measures so today I'm going to go to the grocery store and pay full price for a 12 pack of soda. I'm sure the divorce papers will be on the kitchen table in the morning.

Blogger's Block

I think it's a fairly common thing for a blogger to be lying in bed and think of a good post to write the next day. Then, usually they wake up and realize it wasn't a good idea at all. I have so little to write these days that last night I was lying in bed and thought of something to write. But, even in my half awake state I realized it was a horrible topic to write about but I decided I'd write about it anyway.

I forget what that topic was now.

My little carnivore

About a week a ago we took Kenslee to her first steak house.

Where she contemplated eating a steak...


Then went for it...


Just like daddy does it.

Week End

A guy I work with just bought a house and there was a swingset in the backyard he offered to me. So, Saturday morning my father-in-law and I spent 2 hours taking it apart and brought it over to my house. After about 3 hours of putting it back together we realized the wood was warped and not stable enough to last more than another year or two. Anyone want a swingset?

My first week's fantasy baseball score: 336-221. A 115 point victory. The next closest person in the league to me was 97 points behind. I love myself.

Friday night we held a practice Easter Egg Hunt for Kenslee. She learned the ropes then kicked some ass on Sunday.

When I became a dad one of the things I looked forward to was coming home from work and having my daughter run to the door to greet me with a hug. I didn't think it would be happening at 10 months. Now that she's walking she'll spot me across the room and run over to me with her arms outstreched for a big hug. It's the awesomest.

Just like the fountain of youth

Tonight we went to the Trappe. It's the local college bar in my town. It made me feel just like I was 21 again. Just like a 21 year old who's back gets tired after standing for ten minutes, complains about how loud and shitty the band is, then has to leave at 11:00 to get home for the babysitter. I feel so alive!

Fruit

Salad

UGGGH!

Almost 24 hours with a post without commentability. Such torture. Doing that is like pulling all your teeth out before you go the the dentist just to make a joke. Painful and unrewarding. But still amusing.

Comments Welcomed Here!

I've been blogging for two and a half years now. When I started blogging I probably would have quit if a few nice people didn't comment on my first few posts. If I remember correctly, I was even happy when I'd get a commenter trying to get me to win a free ipod or to try to enlarge my penis. Hey, everyone like free ipods and enlarged penii, right?

But, I can definitely understand that some people get sick of the spam comments and either enable comment moderation or make people type in a password. Me? I don't give a shit. I'll like all comments. Good or bad, real or spam, funny or poor attempts at trying to be funny.

So, what I don't understand is people that turn off their comments. Oh, what, are you just writing for yourself? Bullshit. Everyone writes to be read. Everyone wants to hear people laugh or criticize what you say. That's the only reason to blog. I think people, such as Dooce, who don't allow comments are pompous. Jerkoffs. I don't read Redacted as much as I used to because he no longer allows comments. That's just annoying. Right?

It's the testosterone talking

In the words of the great Michael Conti, for the (n)one of you that care, yesterday was the start of the baseball season and the first of many Phillies late leads lost.

It was also the start to my championship fantasy baseball season. If my memory serves me correctly it was the second greatest single day performance in the 5 years I've been playing fantasy baseball. (Second only to the day Randy Johnson pitched a perfect game)

14 teams, head to head format.

C - R. Martin - 0-4
1 - L. Overbay - 2-4, 1B, 2B, RBI, R, BB
2 - O. Hudson - 3-4, 2 1B, 2B, 2 RB1, 2 R
SS - H Ramirez - 4-6, 2 1B, 2 2B, RBI, 4 R, 2 SB
3 - M Cabrera - 3-4, 1B, 2B, HR, 4 RBI, R, 2 BB
OF - P. Burrell - 1-4, 1B, R, BB
OF - A. Dunn - 2-4, 2 HR, 3 RBI, 2 R, BB
OF G. Sizemore - 2-4, 1B, HR, RBI, 3 R, BB
DH A. Kearns - 1-4 1B, R
Angels - 8K, W, S

For a ridiculous bottom line of:

.474 18-38, 9 1B, 5 2B, 4 HR, 12 RBI, 15 R, 2 SB, 6 BB
9 INN, 5 HA, 5 BBI, 8 K, W, S

I'm great!

Do Re MeMe

Since I recently discovered I have complete musical influence over the internet I figured I'd do the latest meme going around.

ne me quitte pas - Regina Spektor - This could be the most headache/Vomit inducing video on youtube. Whoever designed that set should be hung. But, the Ne Me Quitte Pas pool is shallow.



lollipop - Mika - I'm pretty sure that by putting this on here it makes me at least partially gay.



rehab - Amy Winehouse - There were three Winehouse songs I wanted to put on this, but this the performance from Letterman that Kenslee and I watch together at least once a day. It puts the biggest smile on her face every morning.



alfie - Lily Allen - This song comes on about 45 minutes into my running playlist and always peps me up




dashboard - modest mouse -I'd never seen this video until I just searched for it. It like it. It reminds me of my new favorite tv show, Deadiest Catch.



merry happy - Kate Nash - No explanations here. I just like this song.



jenny owen youngs - Fuck Was I - Pure, unadulterated Perez Hilton referral.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I'll write something that isn't all that funny or interesting, but it will end up with 20 comments because I'm simply too lazy to write anything else and that post just sits there for days. I wonder how long I'll have to keep this post up to get 50 comments...

A quick run to Baltimore, now back

Eight weeks ago I printed out a 14 week schedule to train for the Broad Street Run on May 6th. The total mileage on the training plan is 246 miles. In the past 8 weeks I've only missed one run, of 5 miles. Today marks the halfway point. 121 miles down, 120 miles to go. One would assume that when someone runs 121 miles in less than 8 weeks they've probably lost a good deal of weight. In the past 8 weeks I've lost 5 pounds. I lost them all when I got sick and missed that 5 mile run. I never regained all of the 9 pounds I lost when I was sick.

When I ran my first 2 mile run I looked at my schedule ahead and I shook my head and mentally berated myself up for starting something so stupid such as running 246 miles in 14 weeks. Now that I'm halfway there and I'm running 8 and 9 miles at a time, several times a week, I'm feeling better about starting this up. I'm not in too much pain, I feel strong, I feel healthy and I'm looking forward to the next 120 miles. And while I feel great, I'm not losing weight. If you want to feel great, run. If you want to lose weight stick your finger down your throat. I hear bulimia works wonders on the scale.

She's a Wino

About two weeks ago Amy Winehouse was on Letterman. I tivo'd it and was watching it one day when Kenslee was in the room. It mezmorized her more than Elmo does. She'll come from another room to watch Elmo, but loses interest after a few minutes. I can play this song over and over and she never takes her eyes off the tv. It's crazy.



If this works, thanks to Jacob. I never even noticed the "embed code" on youtube.

Two questions and an insincere comment

Question: Can anyone tell me how to imbed a youtube clip into a post?

Question: I turned it on at the last minute... what the hell was wrong with that sobbing little girl on American Idol last night? I was embarrassed for her.

Insincere comment: Am I the only one who doesn't feel bad/sorry/happy for the lost boy scout? For some unexplainable reason he reminds me of the runaway bride.

Boring Post

A week since my last post already? I look back at my old posts and I'd have 10-12 posts a week. Now I'm lucky if I write one. I wish I could say it's because I've been so busy, but it's really just that I'm lazy and uninteresting.

I actually went through a rare depression this weekend. I've been training to run a 10 mile race in May and this weekend I had a 5K scheduled to see where I was at. But on Friday it snowed and the 5K got cancelled. So, I ended up just going running on the treadmill at the gym and I was tired and running 6 miles on a treadmill just blows. Then I ended up running too fast or something and I felt ill for the rest of the day. An Irishman that can't drink on St. Pattys Day is like.... I guess an Irishman that can't drink on St. Patty's Day is as bad as it gets. Sunday, I didn't feel much better and didn't leave the house all day. Monday morning Kenslee woke up with pink eye and that only added to my downward spiral. I worked a halfday from home and midway through the day things started to pick up when I went outside to throw snowballs at a Stop Sign. I'm dead serious that I had fun doing this. I'm like a 12 year old some most times. I later went for a run and felt very good and my depression lifted more. Before Kenslee went to bed last night she took her first steps and that made life a little more awesome. I'm not 100% sure I can call them her first steps though. She was standing and I held out a stuffed animal and she stepped her right foot towards it. Then she stepped her right foot toward it again, then her right foot again. She looked like she had her left foot nailed to the ground and just walked a half circle. It was funny and awesome and she'll probably be running around the house in a week or two. And today I downloaded Modest Mouse's new cd before I came into work and I'm listening to it now and life is good again. If you've made it this far I'm sorry for boring you.

You're Fhired

I'm the only programmer for the portion of the project I work on. We're hiring someone to join me so today I'll be interviewing someone for the first time in my life. He's got stuff on his resume dated back to 1982, when I was 7. This means he's old. Old people smell, so I'm glad it's a phone interview. I've been struggling with coming up with some questions that will give me a good idea if he and I will work well together. Like if he can juggle, or how much beer he can drink, or if he has a blog and if it's any good. I'm actually kinda nervous for this because I don't want to agree to hire someone I don't jive well with. While I am glad I don't have to smell him it would be easier if he were in the office because then we could have a good old fashioned arm wrestling match to decide if he's worthy. Wish me luck!

Don't be jealous I got to go to the Dentist yesterday.

That's right, I got to go to the dentist yesterday and you didn't! Every six months I get excited as my dentist day approaches. I usually start a countdown. 5 days, 4 days, 3 days, 2 days, dentist day! Glorious, wonderful dentist day. I always hope that I'll have some cavities, but I never do. I'm thinking I should stop brushing so I end up getting to go to the dentist 3 or 4 times a year instead of only 2. Why do I enjoy the dentist so much you ask? Free massages. My dentist is like a spa dentist or something. Tranquil music, free chair massages, heated scented neck warmers while your teeth are worked on. It's totally like a day at the spa without the manicure, pedicure, or facial. Plus there's a little more scraping, bleeding and pain than the normal spa day. But, it's all worth it for that free 5 minute chair massage. 179 days until my next dentist day!!!

One child's left behind

When Titso was pregnant we took one of those stupid tests and the results came back positive and that meant there was a higher chance of downs syndrome or retardation or some other defect in the baby. We went for follow up tests which told us the original results were wrong and the baby was ok. Even though we were told she would be fine I was still scared when she was born. She came out looking normal and acting normal. The only defect was that she had a butt dimple. A little indent above her butt. The doctors told us it would fill in as she gained weight and it has. Now it looks only like her butt crack curves very slightly at the top.

Even though she seemed normal at birth I still look for signs that something's wrong with her. Can she see ok? Can she hear ok? Does she have all her motor skills. All of those seem ok. She seems to be a perfectly healthy baby. Except I've noticed more and more that a major physical defect is coming out. She's left-handed. If she were a boy, that would be awesome and I'd start training him now to be the Phillies #1 starting pitcher in 2030. But, a left handed girl is only one step above a retarded* girl. In fact, not a single good person throughout history has ever been left handed. Proof:

Joan of Arc – burned at the stake
Julius Caesar – stabbed in the back
Prince Charles/William - gay
Fidel Castro - dicktator
Henry Ford – too lazy to walk
Helen Keller – a woman
John F. Kennedy, Jr. – bad pilot
Richard Simmons - annoying
Jack-the-Ripper – good killer
Jimi Hendrix – died on own vomit
Seal - ugly
Michelangelo/Raphael/Leonardo – mutant turtles
George Burns - old
Tom Cruise - crazy
Fran Drescher - stupid
Kermit the Frog – not even a real person
Angelina Jolie - crazy
Howie Mandel – annoying obsessive compulsive
Joe Piscopo - pedophile
Keanu Reeves – bad actor
Oprah Winfrey - annoying


* No offense...

Two posts in a row about the Sarah Silverman Program

And also about the absolute worst show ever, "Are you smarter than a 5th grader?" I fast forwarded through the whole show in about 30 seconds. Jeff Foxworthy is not only one of the worst comedians in the world, but the absolute worst game show host. And these "5th graders"??!?? They're actors!!! "5th grader Laura":



Is Laura Marano who plays the motherless girl from last week's Sarah Silverman program who Sarah trains to win a beauty pageant:



If this show (Are you...) is still on the air next week I'm quitting my blog in protest.

My life is sooooo exciting.

Don't you get sick of coming to my blog and not seeing an update? I know I do.

Heroes is now officially better than Lost.

The Sarah Silverman Program is in the top 3 sitcoms on tv. (The Office, 30 Rock, TSSP)

I have to go to bowling league for Kym tonight. Tonight will be about the 5th time I go for her this bowling season (sept-now). My average is around 160, which is up 30 pins from last year, which makes no sense because I only bowl once a month. I do watch it on tv sometimes though, so I guess that's how I got better. Kinda like how I got really good in bed by watching porn.

A few weeks ago my bloglines account lost all the links I had. I was annoyed and not about to fix it. I still go back every few days to see if it self corrected. I know all the blogs I read are still on my sidebar, but I'm too lazy to click them to see if they're updated. If you've update since around Halloween time, let me know. I'll try to read your blog before Easter. Unless you don't celebrate Easter. Then you're going to burn in hell so I can't like your blog anyway.

Always the Bridesmaid

Last night there was a meeting to discuss how a deadly chemical, TCE, is in the air where we live. Yesterday there were news crews all over our neighborhood trying to get interviews and filming shots of the homes that will soon contain nothing but dead bodies. You can watch one of those reports here. I don't normally watch the Fox news, but the Fox did make my neighborhood look prettier than the local ABC affiliate did. I watched every local channel's coverage and on one I saw my neighbor's house up the street, on the other was my neighbor's house down the street. On this one they went into a neighbor two blocks down's house. Everyone around me was getting the attention. But my house is on none of the stories. I'm disappointed to say the least. Not so much about the fact that I'll be dead of cancer any day now, but it really would have been worth it if I got on the news and got to thank The Good Lord Above, God Almighty like all the rappers do when they're on tv. The rappers and my neighbors are so lucky.

I should be on the Maury Show or something

Last monday I got on the scale in my bathroom and it read 187.5. Tuesday after lunch I got sick and not a single piece of food entered my mouth until Thursday morning. And that came right back out. I still hadn't gotten my full appetite back when I felt good enough to go to the gym on Sunday. I ran 7 miles (nice!) and got on the scale. I weighed 178.5. I lost 9 pounds last week just by being sick then not eating much then exercising. 9 pounds! Do you realize how much weight that is?!? Here's some other things that weigh 9 pounds. Imagine dropping one of these out of your body:
- A bowling ball (one of those gay pink ones)
- A gallon of milk (plus a .38 pound weight)
- 1632 post-1982 pennies
- A big ass 9 pound baby.
- Two normal 4.5 pound twin babies
- 9 - 1 pound premature nintuplet babies.

So, basically I gave birth to 9 babies last week. And I'm up and running around this week!!! Some moms are such wimps.

Valenhog's Day

At lunch on Tuesday Kym and I went out to grab something to eat and her car broke down. $1000 to fix. I borrowed a coworkers car and drove home to get mine. Tuesday afternoon when it started snowing the baby's daycare called and said they'd be closing at 4. By 3:00 I knew something wasn't right with my stomach and I started nagging Kym to get out of there. By 5:15 on Tuesday night I got into bed and I've barely gotten out since. I've never taken two consecutive days off because of sickness until now. Kym hasn't either and she's on day three today because the baby is still sick. Our house is the like the sick ward at the Sick Person's Hospital for the Sick. It sicks big time.

V-Day

I've figured out what to do for Valentines this year. They're calling for 6-9 inches of snow Tuesday into Wednesday. So, what I'm going to do is get it to snow only in front of our house and in the shape of a giant heart. Here's what a google map of my neighborhood will look like on Wednesday. Genius!

edited!!

I'm not even going to bother trying

I know I can't top last year's Valentine's day, so I've decide to just pretend I'm sick and not get out of bed for the next week.

Motivation

At my Christmas lunch three of my coworkers and I made a pact to get in shape and run four races together this year. A 5 miler in April, The Broad Street Run (10 miles) in May, a half marathon in September, and a 10 mile trail run (which involves running through a calf-deep creek 3 times) at the park next to my house in October.

We were all drinking so I assumed it was all talk. As it turns out, it looks like everyone was serious. So, I had to get serious too. I printed out a traning schedule last week and I ran 5 miles at lunch today (to total 18 miles in the past 8 days). I have no point to this post other than to just write it because when I actually tell people I'm going to do something I force myself to do them. Like that time I walked across the country. on my hands.

Nerd

Even though I'm really busy at work and barely post anymore, somehow tonight I managed to post my 100th post on the baby blog. And this post right here? It's my 800th post on this blog. Pretty coincidental they're both landmark blogs. And they both suck.

It's my 800th, I should make it awesome. I can't wait until I think of something awesome to write right here.

Wing Bowl III

15 years ago Philly got sick of the Eagles not making it to the playoffs, so in order to create excitement in Philly around the Super Bowl they started the Wing Bowl. A bunch of fat guys eat as many wings as possible in a short amount of time. It's disgusting. Last year's winner ate 173 wings. The have to qualify by eating other disgusting stuff. Such as 3 pounds of baked beans in 1 minute, a 2 foot hoagie in 5 minutes, or 100 shrimp in 5 minutes. The tickets all go to charity and they sell all 20,000 of them in about 10 minutes.

My work started it's own Wing Bowl 3 years ago. It was this morning at 11:30. The contestants only eat 10 wing (hot) as fast as they can. Two guys tied at 1 minutes and 5 seconds. Pretty impressive. They had a Wing-off with 4 more wings and the same muther-fer has now won 3 years in a row. Total Wing Bowl whore he is.

The Bar Situation

If you've been reading this shit for a while you may remember a few month ago when my dad stopped my by our house and randomly gave me a brand new 40 inch LCD tv. After determining that the tv didn't fit in our family room entertainment center, this tv motivated us to finish our basement. It was already finished, but it was empty. So, we put the tv down there. We got a nice new sofa. For christmas I got a home theater system and hooked that up. We ordered a bar, and planned a Super Bowl Party. Two weeks ago the bar arrived. The delivery guy said he wouldn't wait around for me to inspect it and told me to sign for it as "to be inspected" to protect myself. When he left I opened it and it was a disaster. Cracks, out of place panels, more cracks, gashes.

I'm not going to go so far as to say Kym likes dealing with Customer Service, but she's good at it. She has lots of practice. She has delt with Comcast's customer service for like 9000 hours. The company immediately had a new bar sent out. Yesterday we got home from work and the side bar was sitting on our front porch. I opened it and of course, it had out of place panels and a giant crack down the side. Kym got on the phone and they sent out another one. The main bar was sitting at the shipping place today and they opened it there, declared it to be ok and will be shipping that today. I'm sure we'll get it and it will be broken and we'll have no bar for our Super Bowl party on Sunday. Plus we now have one and a half $1300 bars sitting in our garage that we were told to dispose of. Meanwhile it's 3 degrees outside every morning and my car freezes while a broken bar sits warm in the garage. I hope the story has a happy ending in which the bar that will arrive today is good, the 3rd side bar will arrive Saturday, we get it all for free for our trouble, and we sell the broken bar on craigslist for a couple bucks. But I'm not holding my breath.

Smack That Ass

I don't mean for this to become a baby blog, but I don't think this one should go on the real baby blog.

Kenslee has basically become a maniac since she learned to crawl. For those of you that have cats, you might have one that will have these sudden spaz attacks. Everything is fine, then all the sudden the cat is running through the house at 100mph. Kenslee does that same thing. She'll be playing then suddenly the urge will strike and she'll crawl as fast as possible and dive head first into whatever she sees. She's crazy. She cries to be held when we ignore her for a long time, but for the most part she's pretty independent. She seems to do things whenever she feels like it. If I try to get her to clap she won't. If I try to get her to say "Da", she won't. If I'm trying to get her to eat byt showing her how I eat, she doesn't care. Right now, she's not one for mimicking. She'll do those things on her own, but I think she takes it as an insult when I want her to mimick me.

Rewind to Wednesday night. Every night before her bath we spend about 20-30 minutes with her playing in just her diaper. She loves her naked time. Her newest favorite thing to do during naked time is to find a laundry basket and empty everything out of it. Wednesday night she was doing this while Kym and I were lying around playing with her when she would get bored with the laundry. Kym was lying on her stomach and Kenslee decided to jump all over Kym's back. While she was dong this I went over and smacked Kym's ass. In what was the first time in 8 months Kenslee saw this and mimicked me. She crawled over and started smacking Kym's ass like it was a drum. So, yeah, I taught my daughter the Smack That Ass.

She loves being naked and she loves smacking ass. I'm raising myself such a good little stripper.

The Saddest Day in History

Franklin passed away yesterday. A mere 9 days into his life and he was taken by shaken baby syndrome. I first sent him to the brink of disaster while running last week. I had him clipped to my shorts and he stopped breathing. I found a way to resuscitate him on apple's website. He was down for a few hours so I knew that he would have some sort of brain damage. I hoped he would turn out kinda like Rain Man. A little odd, but oh so sharp and cute when standing next to Tom Cruise. Unfortunately he turned out more like that retarded magician Penn. Or is it Teller that's retarded? Oh, I don't know. Anyway, yesterday he did it again. I was in the middle of a nice long run and he went into convulsions. I did that chest shocker thing I saw on ER once and quickly came back to life. I finished my run and warmed down. Eventually I stopped. Franklin did not stop. No matter what I did Franklin would not stop. For the third time in 9 days, and the 2nd yesterday, I tried to Flatline him and bring him back to life like that guy on 24 did to Julia Roberts before he started eating terrorists. Franklin flatlined, but he never came back to life. When I gave him mouth to mouth, he only gave me a sad face and went back to death. Sad, I cried a little and went through all our fun times in my head. Like the one time I put music on him. Or the other time I listened to music on him. And then the time when I put pictures on him. God, there were so many great times. I'm trying to not remember the bad times. Like when he brought home a transvestite prostitute named Shelia. (The 'S' was silent). Franklin, I will surely miss you.

Luckily Franklin was still under warranty and I picked up a new ipod today at lunch. I think I'll call him Franklin II.

This is Jeopardy?

I caught what I mentioned in the comments from the last video post. She freakin loves Alex Trebek.

Leezer's post about gym people has forced me to post my gym experience from today. I think every gym has at least one grunter. The guy who needs people to know he's lifting a lot of weight. The guy who grunts so loud that even Franklin doesn't drown out the noise. Today I ran across the Grunter. Except, he wasn't lifting. And, actually, he wasn't clothed. He was grunting in the shower. My gym has 5 showers. Each with their own shower curtain to maintain privacy. So, I was finishing up with my shower when Grunter really started getting into it in the shower next to mine. I started to feel uncomfortable so I hurried and finished so I could go back to my locker. As I got out of the shower I noticed Grunter was still taking his shower and he didn't feel the need to close his shower curtain. Besides his love of being heard grunting he apparently loves being seen showering as well. Anyway, I run back to my locker and a few minutes later, of course, Grunter sits his naked, untowel-using ass next to me. As I throw on whatever garments of clean or dirty clothes I have available to get out of there as fast as possible he continues to rub himself and grunt and moan as loud as possible. It was truly, utterly, visual, mentally, and hearingly (if that's a word) disgusting.

A lesson in Tolerance

The cat has learned to take an awful lot of crap from Kens.

A Match Made in New Haven*

Yesterday I stepped into the year 2001 and got my first ipod. It's awesome. I've named him Franklin (after my fav inventor!). I brought him home, put him in a new outfit I had picked out and started loading him with music and pictures. He's so cool already! I made dinner and after dinner I told the funniest joke**. Franklin was right there. He laughed the loudest then gave me the best high five. The baby woke up in the middle of the night and guess who woke up to give her a bottle? That's right, Franklin. Then this morning I woke up and smelled coffee brewing and heard bacon sizzling. Franklin sure is making a good first impression. Franklin even knew that I like my bacon extra cripsy! My eggs were a little overdone, but jeez, he's only 12 hours old!! Franklin came into work with me today and he even helped me type this out. Oh, Franklin, how did I ever live without you!!!!


* Assuming iPods are made in New Haven

**Why were the suspenders arrested?
For holding up a pair of pants!

Links I made

Last night I got home from dealing poker at midnight. I sat down at the computer and started to feel bad thinking about how I haven't been blogging or reading many blogs lately. So, I clicked on a few links then realized, "Fuck this it's late, I'm going to bed."

Then the baby woke up and cried for most of the night.

Down and Out

I often brag about my immune system. I never get sick. I haven't thrown up sober in over 10 years. (Last time I threw up drunk? September 2005. On my honeymoon.) At 7am this morning I woke to take care of my sick daughter. I got dressed, then my immune system, much like my sophomore year Accounting Teacher, failed me. The River Seine flowed from my insides and into my toilet bowl. It was horrible. Throwing up blows. Luckily my mom was able to come over and help out. I spent about 6 hours in bed today and I can't wait to get back in bed. My immune system and I are going to have to have a long talk in the morning.

E-A-G-L-E-S - Eagles!

I wish I brought my camera to the game. It was crazy.

I think I'm going to take another day off from work tomorrow because my daughter is still sick. So you'll have to suffer through yet another day of no bull shit from me. Sorry to be you.

New Years Resolutions

Be cooler.

Eat lunch and/or dinner every day.

Drink liquids.

Get promotion or get a new job by mid-year.

Do fun stuff.

Shower.

Get haircut.

Rent movies.

Blow nose when full of snot. Or pick.

Change diapers when full of poop and/or pee (not mine).

Be Awesome.

Annnnd we're back...

Annnnd, I'm too busy to write.

But, did anyone else watch 13 hours of The Biggest Loser yesterday?

Skison's Greetings!

get it? "peas" on "earth"... huh? huh? Do you get it?

Again I go unnoticed

A little over two years ago I started this blog. I wasn't much for hiding my real identity. I used my real name with my last name in my web address. In retrospect; maybe I should have made it a bit more anonymous. But, I ended up embracing my unanonimity. After a few months I posted a picture of myself. In my mind, I knew then that I'd start getting noticed in public. My voracious readership would stop me as I was pumping gas and offer to pay. I'd be pursuing the wide selections at Payless when the clerk would notice my feet from a picture I posted on my blog. I'd be swimming in the ocean when a friendly dolphin would swim up and take me for a ride based on my blogging celebrity. This was all so clear in my mind. Somehow none of this ever happened. Sunday morning I hit the mall to do all my Christmas shopping. Not a single person came up to me and hugged me and told me a tale of how my blog saved their life. Maybe it was because I ran through the mall and just grabbed whatever I could off the shelves because football was about to start. Maybe people just thought that I didn't want to be bothered in public because they can imagine how hard it is to be a celebrity blogger who has a readership of close to two dozen. Whatever the reasons, I made my 756th consecutive public appearance without being noticed. So, I think I need to post more pictures of myself so people don't forget who I am.

If you ever walk into a Sears and see a guy and a baby watching an Eagles game, this is what I look like.



Here's a refresher of what I look like brushing my teeth.




Here's me in my ninja outfit.



And finally, here I am dressed as Mr. T.




If you see me in public, come up and say hi! I'll shoo you away like you're an embarassment, but I swear it will be awesome.

The Mandate

The mandate has been issued. December 30th is man's day out. No women allowed. It's a man date. 12/30 - The Official Man Date. (did I miss any alternate uses of the two words man and date?)

That's what it comes down to theses days. Just a few years ago we would decide to go out at 10pm on a Saturday night. Now, we have to plan our drinking fests two weeks in advance. And they have to be day loads, not nights out. 7 friends. 7 dads. 7 recipes for disasters. We're all hopping on our respective local train/cab/bus/trolley/donkey and we're meeting in center city for a day of debauchery. I'm giddy with delight.

If The Mandate were a movie, who would be the star? I actually checked imdb.com to see if it already existed. I thought for sure I would see a movie that I never saw staring Harrison Ford or Sean Connery or Nicholas Cage or Samuel L Jackson.

I guess my 95% female readership doesn't agree with my views on taxes

Does anyone else hate beta blogger? I can't comment on people's sites that use beta-blogger with my regular blogger account and I can't figure out how to transfer my blogger site to the beta blogger site. And as a programmer I really don't want to use something called "beta". Beta means it's still being tested and generally that it will have you pissed off with all the bugs. It's all a pain in the ass.

This Saturday the wife, baby and I are hopping on the PA turnpike and heading to the home of the infamous Tinapopo. After a brief stint in the porn business her old blog may or may not be back. I think a little bit of peer pressure can get her to be back for good. "Cookie's" back, Popo should come back now too.

The Family Christmas card is in the process of going out. It kicks ass in a "this-is-so-stupid-I-can't-believe-they-sent-that-out" kinda way. No starburst porn as suggested by Melissa, but it's good nonetheless. I'm actually sending it to a blogger or two who's adresses I have, but I'll post it here next week. Not on my Christmas card list? Too bad, we only ordered enough for certain people. suckas!

I love taxes!

As promised, here is my post regarding my love for taxes.

Please note that from here forward whenever I say "taxes", I actually mean "boobs"

I love taxes! I love small taxes, I love big taxes, I love all kinds of taxes. A lot of people think that rich people should have bigger taxes than poor people. I agree. If you can afford bigger taxes, you should get bigger taxes. Rich people might complain about how much thier new taxes cost them, but it's for the good of society. Everyone is better off seeing the rich with nice, big taxes. But, taxes aren't everything. I like butts too.

The End.

Lets get political, political. I wanna get political, let's get political. Let me hear your body talk, your body talking.

I've always felt that a blog is like a party. People who talk about politics on thier blog are rude. You make people feel uncomfortable. But, after yesterday, I've changed my mind. I'm going to start talking about politics more. In the past I've written out some political posts, but never published them because I didn't want to be rude. Well, I'm going to start posting them. Here are the topics of the blogs you'll see here in the future:

I love taxes!

My Top 3 presidents of all time: James Buchanan, George W Bush, Warren Harding

My Worst 3 presidents in American History: George Washington, Lincoln, FDR

Vietnam: We came, we saw, we kicked thier ass!

My Theory on how World War I and World War II Never Actually Happened.

Osama is da Bomb-a!

The Hilter 'stash. It Works for My Daugther, It Can Work For You!

Happy Pearl Harbor Day!!!

Does anyone else find it odd that we still remember the horrible events of Pearl Harbor on this day every year? I can see still remembering September 11th, but Pearl Harbor was like 300 years ago. Anyway, it got me thinking that I should have my own personal remembrance days. We all celebrate our personal days... birthdays, anniversaries... but why not remember the bad? I'm starting today. Here's my personal rememberance days:

Jan 8th (1979) - I ate yellow snow. Trust me kids, it only looks tasty.
March 20th (1983) - A tooth comes loose. It hangs by a string for at least an hour.
September 4th (1981) - My first day of first grade. Becky Spencer tells me I'm gross and punches me.
October 9th (1982) - Playing soccer, I find out what it feels like to get kicked in the nuts.
November (every year) - The Annual Donovan McNabb injury month.
December 23 (1983) - Brad Hunenstien tells me Santa is not real

In remembrance I plan to not work on any of these days in 2007.

Tis the season...

Tis the season to put up lights and take a really bad picture of them...






Tis the season to put a Christmas Village atop of the Entertainment center...





Tis the season for Starburst porn...





Tis the season to high five in the middle of a threesome...





Tis the season for Interspecies Erotica...





Tis the season for some crazy S&M shit...





Tis the season for voyeristic masturbation...





Tis the season to roast your chestnuts on an open flame...





Tis the season for the ho's ho's ho's...

Why I haven't posted in 8 days...

I just started a new blog post but it sucked so I deleted it. Rinse, repeat.

Computers are useless

When I went back to school to get my computer science degree I took a Database class. We did a project where the final result was stating what we thought would be more successful in terms of booksales, actual Barnes and Noble bookstores, or amazon.com. (Looking back, I have no idea what this had to do with learning Database.) It was when Amazon first came out and everyone was an internet millionare and everyone was sucking amazon.com's hypothetical cock. I was the only person in the class who thought the actual bookstores would continue to exist. Everyone else in the class predicted Barnes and Noble would be out of business in 3 years. They also predicted amazon would invent teleportation and GM would go out of business by now too.

Well, I have no idea who was right. I think there's still Barnes and Nobles, but I can't say I've been to one in a long time. I do know there are still real life bookstores and the internet is for nerds. Everyone was so excited about the quote/unquote "Internet" back then, and everyone thought quote/unquote "Computers" were the future.

And we all know everyone was wrong about computers. Computers can't solve everything. Computers suck when it comes to trying to draw a turkey from the outline of your hand.






happy thanksgiving to all you Americans. To all you Canadians and English people, Shalom or whatever.

Masterpiece Theaters

Friday night we went to the local Pub, ate dinner, then rented a movie. Got home, put the baby to bed* and sat back to watch the first masterpiece of the weekend. John Tucker Must Die. When you put the JTMD dvd in you are prompted for "Theatrical Version" or "Unrated Version". I wonder if in the history of men anyone who has ever been presented this choice has chosen Theatrical Version. Being a bad comedy I knew that the choice was actually "Theatrical Version" or "Theatrical version with one added scene of completely unnecessary nudity". My wife fell asleep within 10 minutes and I toughed it out waiting for the boob shot. 90 minutes later, there were no boobs and no curse words that I can remember. Worst Unrated Version ever. On my A to Z scale of movie grading I give it somewhere between a U and a V.

Saturday was much of the same. This time it was The Break Up. I heard Jennifer Aniston showed her booty in this movie, so I knew I wouldn't be let down. (Yes, nudity is the only reason to rent comedies these days). But, of course I was disappointed with only a blurry image of what may or may not have been her ass. I actually giggled once or twice during this movie. I give it a K+.
Sunday I went to the worst football game ever.

This week. Only 3 days! Does anyone know if there's nudity in Accepted? I figure there has to be.

*I don't think I have mentioned this yet. The baby started talking last week. She's saying "Dad". Well, "Da." And she seems to have a 3 "Da" per week limit. She said it 3 times last Sunday, then not again until saying it 3 times yesterday morning. I dare you not to tear up a little when your daughter says "Da" for the first time. Bet you a dollar you can't do it.


_______
Edit! The Daily Dump is Back! You see all you quitters. It's ok to come back!

Yesterday

My wife was in a car accident on her way to work yesterday. She's ok. Just a little sore today. She was driving down a road going about 35 mph when the car in front of her slammed on his breaks and hit the car in front of him, which was stopped waiting for someone to turn, and Kym hit him. According to the police report, the guy claims he didn't hit the car in front of him... that he was pushed into the car in front of him when Kym hit him. I left work when Kym called me and went to pick her up because the car wasn't driveable. By the time I got there the tow truck guys had cut a piece of the bumper off to make the car driveable. I gave her my car and I took hers to a shop to be looked at. They declared it undriveable and gave me a $6700 estimate. I have no idea how things will work out with the other cars because of the disputing accounts of what happened. The disputing accounts of what happened made me instantly hate the other guy. Of course I believe my wife, so I have to hate the other guy for lying about it. I'll never know exactly what happened, but I do know that his truck had to be towed and they let Kym drive off. His rear was fine, so how could the front be messed up worse that the car that hit him if he supposedly was only pushed into the car in front of him? He was just leaving the scene as I got there and his wife showed up a few minutes later looking for him. I hated them both. It's amazing how after the inital finding out that everyone's ok my emotions turned to anger. And I'm not an angry person. You motherfuckers.

In funnier news, I wrote a story on my baby blog.

Worst day at work ever

Access to this web page is restricted at this time.

Reason: The Websense category "Sports" is filtered.
URL: http://www.espn.com




It's only a matter of time now before that url reads blogger.com....

Three and a half hours

What is "The amount of sleep Tim got last night?"


**** detailed update***

Yes, I got 3 and a half hours of sleep and I blame it on the baby, though it's partially my fault. I work Wednesday nights as a dealer in a private poker game. I brought the baby to my moms and we both spent the night there. I fed her and got her ready for bed and left as my mom was putting her to bed at 8. I got home from dealing at midnight and, like an idiot, I had to watch Lost. So, I finally fell asleep around 1:15 and was awoken a half hour later. Up for 45 minutes with her, then back to sleep. Up for good at 5:40. So, I dropped her off at daycare and I went home to work from there because I'm like a zombie. About a half hour after I posted this I figured out a problem at work that I've been working on for two and a half straight days. My lack of sleep is a total non-factor now because I'm so happy I solved that issue. And I can't wait to pick her up from daycare to play with her.

And the pudding on top of the cherry on top of the cake that I will have and eat too is that I just pulled chicken out of the fridge to make a pesto chicken sandwhich for dinner tonight. Score!

Bumps in the night

Last night we put the baby to bed around 8 and settled in for some TV. About 20 minutes later we heard some rumbling around coming from upstairs. A few minutes later we heard it again. We checked the baby monitor and she was still sleeping, but it sounded like the noise was coming from in her room. And so began the opening scene to every 80's horror movie made.

Kym asked me to go check it out, so being the stud that I am, I hopped right up to investigate. But, I had to grab a weapon first. I looked around the room and grabbed what I thought would do the most damage to the alleged baby stealer who was really bad and kinda just making a lot of noise. So, I grabbed a piece of firewood. I knew the big pieces would be too difficult to maneuver like a light saber to do the most damage, so I grabbed a smaller piece. Actually, I grabbed a piece of kindling. And when I grabbed it I gave myself the tiniest little splinter. I screeched like a little girl and wanted to sit back down and sulk. But, my baby was in danger, so I headed off. My smarter wife stopped me and told me it might be a little more wise to use a metal fireplace tool rather than give the kidnapper a few splinters. I knew I married her for a reason.

I grabbed the poker thingy and headed off. As I ascended the stairs I started thinking to myself, "What would I really do if some big murderer guy jumped out at me?" I'd freeze. I'd scream. I'd cry. I'd make a feeble attempt at a swing and I'd run. I'd run and I'd run and I'd still be running right now. Unless he touched my baby. Then I'd fuck his shit up. So, I kept that in mind as I approached the door. The door to the room was closed. I knew there would be a confrontation. We never close the door. Inches from the door I paused. I said a little prayer, I opened the door, I closed my eyes, and I started swinging. Sharp fireplace poker flying madly in the dark. But, alas, I didn't hit anything. The source of all the noise was slightly shorter than where I was swinging.







Kym leaves for Kansas first thing tomorrow morning. Me and the baby and the cat and the fireplace tools alone for a week. Wish me luck.

She Chickened Out

It's like crack, only more delicious

As recently as two weeks ago I didn't like pesto. I'm not sure what turned me off, but if I saw something with pesto on it, it may as well have been topped with pigeon shit. Or even worse, guacamole. Both are green, and both look a little bit like diarrhea. I don't like to eat green things, and I only eat my shit whole.

Then, when I was on vacation in August someone made their own guacamole. Out of respect I tried it, and it tasted a little bit like nothing. So, I learned to deal with guacamole. Nowadays, when I get a quesadilla and they ask me if I want guac on the side, I say yes. I don't actually eat it, but it can touch my plate, and I feel like the Mexican guy behind the counter respects me a little bit more than that douchebag behind me who doesn't get it.

Fast forward to last Tuesday. Tuesdays are my wife's night to go bowling. She goes straight from work and gets home around 7:30 or 8. So, it's up to me to get the baby fed and ready for bed, and to make dinner for Kym and I. I don't know how single parents do it, because this is no easy task. Most nights I make something easy that can just be thrown in the oven when Kym gets home. Last week I wanted something different. I decided I would make chicken sandwiches. I tried to pick a flavor that we both like, and that was Italian. I have no idea if pesto is even Italian, but for some reason I decided that I'd put pesto on them. And, of course, I made the greatest chicken sandwich of all time.

The downfall to making the greatest sandwich of all time is that I've become addicted to pesto now. Last night we had beef stew and I found myself wondering if it would taste good with pesto. In the middle of the night the baby wakes up and I bring her downstairs to have a bottle. As I get the bottle out of the fridge, I see the pesto looking at me through the corner of my eye. I can feel that it wants me as bad as I want it. I get angry at Daylight savings time because 4:00am is not an appropriate time to eat pesto. 5:00am, yes, but 4:00am is just absurd.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. I think I just feel guilty because I just had another chicken sandwich with pesto. I'm so ashamed. Tell me you'll still love me when I'm turning tricks on the streets for a bite of some four cheese pesto ravioli.

What should she be?

A chicken or a Leopard?

Wanna see my Nuts?

About twice a month we have vendors set up in the lobby or the cafeteria selling stuff. There's a rotation between a dude selling cd's, a chick selling stuffed animals, and a chick selling books. They rotate and come every 3rd month, but there is one steady vendor here every month. Some dude selling his Nuts. He actually calls them his Nut'z. For those of you that don't have Nut'z you probably think the same way I did at first... there's only like 3 kinds of nuts: peanuts, cashews, and almonds. How's he going to make any money selling that crap? Well, you'd be wrong. How ignorant of you to think like that.

He sets up and before long, people flock. I think people in thier cubes have a spidey-sense that the Nut'z are here. It's like pigs to slop, like flies to shit, like pedophiles to a Dateline sting. People go Nut'z (tee-heehee!). I'm not sure if people actually buy the Nuts, or they just pretend to be interested for the perks. The perks being free samples. "They get one peanut, one cashew and one almond... how great can that be?", I hear you ignorants thinking. Well, much to the shock of the non-Nutty informed community there's tons of varietys of Nuts.

When I saw him in the lobby today I knew I had to express to you, my faithful dozen readers, just how amazing the variety is. So, I decided for the first time ever, I'd grab a free sample or two. Or three, or four, or seventy-one. Yes, there are seventy-one varieties. My plan was simple. Walk down the line, act interested, grab a nut, pretend to put it in my mouth, then with a magician-like slight of hand, put the nut in my pocket. I'd do this over and over until I had 71 nuts in my pocket. (tee-heehee!) I'd go back to my desk, empty the booty onto my desk, and take a picture to show the world my nuts.

But, I chickened out.

Nobody Loves Me, Everybody Hates Me, I'm Gonna Eat Some Worms

I tried to let it go a few days, but it seems as if nobody's going to wish me a happy blogeversay. Thanks a lot! Just when I thought you cared.

Last year I wrote a MSPaint assisted recap of my first year. I figured I'd do the same for my second. In my first year of blogging I got engaged, married, and got my wife preggo. Not as much happened in my second year, but here it is nonetheless.




My mom fufilled her life (two year) long dream of dancing with Ellen on her tv show.




I redesgined my blog template to be a shrine to Hilary Duff. Tinapopo redesigned it based heavily on my bedsheets which she claimed to have never seen.





A lot of bloggers went away.




The coolest baby ever was born.




I met a blogger who dropkicked said baby across the resturaunt.

A poem

I've been too busy to have time to blog,
When I grow up I want to be a frog.

I've barely clicked on any of my links,
Someone's eating tuna and it really stinks.

I'll still be busy for the next few weeks,
Can birds give oral with those big beaks?

I'm stressed all the time, but the days fly by,
Is snuffleupagus a girl or a guy?

I'm not "on a break", but I don't have the time,
two nickels or ten pennies equals a dime.

I hope you don't feel like I'm neglecting you all,
I can't finish this right now.

Listen up!

Not only am I not quitting, but this is the first week since April 17th that I posted all 5 days of the work week. And, I actually think I've posted 5 times because I've been busy as hell and tried to take advantage of my breaks. Granted, all the posts this week have been shite. So, to make up for it, I'm posting a picture of my ass:


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And for no extra cost, you get the dvd extras including the outtake of what my first ass drawing was. Thank God I didn't post that piece of shit. That would have made me look like a bad artist.

Is it just my PC, or is my sidebar gone?

Question

Before Titso went on maternity leave she did a fair amount of traveling for work. While I would miss her while she was gone, it was kind of nice to have a few days on my own to go play poker, eat cereal for dinner, and not shower or change my underwear. She stopped traveling in her third trimester and has thus far avoided it since returning to work. She was told last week she was needed in Kansas on the 16th of this month, but got out of it by guaranteeing she would go for the week of November 6th. Leaving me with the baby. A single dad of a 5 month-old. So, my question: Do I divorce her now, or later?

Reflection

A week from Sunday marks my two year blogiversary. Pretty pathetic.

In an unrelated story, two guys that started a website about six month after me just made $1.65 billion. Pretty pathetic. It was bought by google, the same company that runs blogger. So, it's only a matter of time before youtube crashes everyday, you can't log on, and you can't upload anything.

In a very related story, I write all my blog posts in Word or in an email to make it look like I'm composing a work related document. (Yes, most of my work related documents contain pictures of bears attacking girls in a towel in a log cabin.) So, when I just went to login to blogger to post this... I couldn't! Surprise, Surprise.

Congrats Detroitians

Going through a few blogs this morning I was reminded of how wonderful of a weekend this was. Not only did the Eagles beat the Cowboys with TO doing nothing, but the stadium chanting my name the whole game (“OD… OD, OD, OD.. Ohhh D Ohhh D..”) made it that much more special. But nearly matching this greatness was watching the Yankees lose in the first round again. There’s nothing I love more than watching a $200 million lineup full of overpaid ex-Phillies go down in flames.

As awesome as it was, I think that Detroit celebrated waaay too much. Yeah, they went from a team that lost about 150 games 3 seasons ago to a team that beat the Yankees in the playoffs, but was it really worth all this?



The celebration started off normal enough. A little champagne celebration.



Then the champagne seemed to get violent. This stream went through the roof and drown a young child.



I thought it was a bit careless when they let a bear out to celebrate. It didn’t even make sense either. You’d think they’d have a tiger instead of a bear.



I really started questioning the celebration when they blew up the stadium. I guess they’ll have to play the rest of their games on the road.



Then the final straw in this ridiculous celebration. When did Detroit get The Bomb?

Thanks to Roonie for the real pics

I had a dream

The other night I had a dream that one of my wife's hair's somehow got wrapped around my tonsils. It was in a tight knot and I couldn't get it undone. It didn't hurt or anything, it was just annoying walking around with a long hair hanging out of my mouth. I have no idea what that means. It probably has something to do with how the Eagles are going to win the superbowl this year.

working from home





I'm not sure who to blame, so I guess I'll blame blogger. I was on youtube trying to post these, what I guess is over a week ago now. Nice service.

wfh

ignore

wfh

ignore

The best hour of my day

Since I don't have much funny to say lately and Monday's school killings happened about 30 minutes from where I live I thought I'd get serious for once.

Last night I got home from the Eagles game and got to sleep around 2am. I took the day off work and basically relaxed all day for a change. I also made it official: now everyone in the world has finally seen Pirates of the Caribbean. Having the day off reminded myself just how much working for a living sucks. We spend half of our waking hours doing shit we most likely don't want to do. One of the only enjoyable things I do during my 8 hours at work is peeking at blogs while looking over my shoulder to see if anyone sees me doing it. So, basically half of our waking hours are dreary.

For the past month the best part of my day has been the part of my day I used to spend sleeping. Up until a month ago I would wake up at 7:30, kiss Kym and Kenslee goodbye as they still slept (while Kym was still home on maternity) and head off to work. A little over a month ago Kenslee's sleeping patterns changed and I no longer need a 7:30 alarm. I have a 6:30 alarm clock made from my own flesh and bones. Now everyday Kym and I have the same schedule. Kenslee starts crying at 6:30. Kym gets up and gets in the shower. I get up and change and feed Kenslee. Being a dad of a 4 month-old is no walk in the park. It has been just as difficult and just as rewarding as I always pictured it would be. Kenslee is fussy a lot, but in general her best time of the day is after a long sleep. Kenslee and I spend about an hour hanging out every morning while Kym showers and gets ready for work. She eats, she smiles, she laughs, she watches Sportscenter with me, she makes faces that make me laugh, she makes waking up an hour earlier than I used to completely worth it. It's the best hour of my day.

Over the weekend Kym and I were talking about the school killings from last week and she said that she just couldn't see it ever happening at the high school Kenslee will eventually go to. And, now with it happening in an Amish school a few towns over, it's obvious it could happen anywhere. As a new dad, it pains me to think of what it must be like for the victim's families. I couldn't imagine waking up at 7:30 again.

This is wrong, right?

Celebration Day!!! part 2

Thursday is Celebration Day here at work. After a disaster last year, I'm hoping to bounce back and celebrate like crazy this year. Among the list of activities I'm set to kick ass in:

Football Throwing contest - I can throw a football over those mountains
NFL trivia game - I can name all 32 teams and the capital of the state they play in. Example: New York Giants: Capital City: Trenton
Limbo contest - I'm not gay
Pie Eating contest (Chocolate creme) - I don't eat anything with that little slash over the e.
Pumpkin decorating contest - My winning design
Penalty flag throwing contest - I don't even know what the hell that means, but it sounds like something I will rule.
College Mascot trivia game - College is for nerds
Volleyball, Frisbee, Badminton - I, will, dominate.

The great Entertainment debate of 2006

Since Softball Slut asked, here's what happened:

Last night we started to empty the entertainment center that is currently in the family room. The plan was to move the old tv, with that, to the basement. As we were pretty much done emptying it, I realized that the ec wouldn't fit around the bend to the basement. So, our options changed:

1. get rid of old entertainment center, buy a new entertainment center for downstairs, buy a second entertainment center, or whatever, for the family room.

2. Leave the old tv/ec upstairs, put the hdtv downstairs. Buy sofas, and an entertainment center for down there (or put it on the wall... still up in the air).

We went with option two. We have a giant finished basement with nothing in it. This will motivate us to furnish it. I will have to watch the philles and eagles in high def while sitting on a folding chair for now, but in about 2 months when downstairs is finished, and I have the full set up, including hdtv, surround sound, bar, foosball table, pool table, ping pong table, olympic sized pool, hot tub, water slide, and indoor track, I will be a very happy man.

Win. Win. Win.

Eww

File this show under things to never lay my eyes on.