Where have all the cowboys gone?

Libprincess/Ironpanties is taking a leave of absence. Jen bid adeu. I'm still not convinced Ironpants is back. Steimes hasn't posted in a while. Trish just went away for a few weeks. Michel is MIA.

Come on people! What do we all suddenly have lives outside of blogger.com?!?!? Take me with you! Please!!!

guilt trip

My current plea for the parachute. I'm going to have to tell whoever doesn't pick me that they have to go over my house and mow my lawn once a week because titso doesn't know how to use the mower. Plus do the dishes after dinner every night. Plus satisfy her in every way I do. Oh wait, that's not a good plan.

huh?

I just sent and email to someone who's first name was Kshitija. I dare you to try to pronounce that. I see a curse word or two in there.

Fun at Work?!??!

Today we got an email in which we are actually being encouraged to use our creativity! And with a chance to win $50. It's like Christmas! Well, it's nothing like Christmas, but I don't hate work right now. Here's the deal:

We are being split up into 7 teams of 13 people each. We are being put on a imaginary planes which are running out of gas in the middle of the atlantic ocean. There's 1 parachute with a raft and life preserver in each plane. 1 person from each plane will be saved. We have 1 minute to explain why we should be the one to get the parachute. The winner from each plane gets $25, the grand winner gets $50.

I know most of the people in this competition. I know they are boring and will probably use the sympathy family angle. I need to come up with a good angle. We're encouraged to tell the truth, or to lie. I chose to lie. Can anyone give me a good lie? Here's my inital thoughts:

1. I've never revealed it to anyone at work, but I am the choosen one. I was placed on this earth to save the world from a massive ladybug attack that will be taking place in a month. So, either I die today, or the world dies in a month.
2. Dammit, I can't think of anything else.

Question of the Day*

If there was a machine that taped your dreams which you could then watch on a VCR, but you could only watch the dreams when you are in front of your friends and family, would you buy it?

I wouldn't. Most of my dreams are about porn. My mom hates porn.


*question stolen from the book Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs.

Tonight's Poker Winner is

Titso. Yup, My fiance won it all. $50 cold hard cash.

bitch.

I might have malaria

After finding out the mosquitos in Dominican Republic have malaria, we were freaking out at every one we saw. I just looked up the symptoms, and they are as follows: At the onset of malaria, bouts of chills and fever lasting several hours and occurring every three or four days are the usual symptoms.

Great, sounds like I have it.

The only way I don't have it might be that the chills might be related to the hour of shoveling I did before work this morning and the self induced "fever" of working the 1st day back from vacation. If I drop dead, it was nice knowing you. Well, some of you. A few of you are pricks and I wouldn't invite you to my funeral if you paid me.

Punta Cana

The
Good

The
Bad

The
Ugly

My cat missed the hell out of me.

She said Yes!

Then she said "oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God..."

So, sorry ladies, but I'm offically off the market.

Market de la Tim is closed.

soooooooo

Earlier in the week I mentioned I was thinking about something else. While it turned out to not be the most extravagant thing in the world, what I came up with was “I love…”

I think I’ve written some creative stuff on this blog in the past few months, but romance has never been a strong point of mine (surprise, surprise). So I wanted to come up with something nice for Kym. Yes, titso’s real name is Kym. Yes, our names rhyme. Yes, that’s very gay. Anyway, what I came up with was “I love…”

Last night after Kym left work I went out bought a dozen roses. I left one rose on her desk with a little note that said “I love…” then I said some things I love about her that I won’t bore you with. I talked to another friend at work and left the other 11 roses on her desk for the time being. So, this morning Kym got it and thought it was cute and was happy, but thought nothing more of it. At 10:30 I had a friend deliver her 2 more roses with another note with the “I love…” theme. At 11:15 I had him deliver 3 more of the roses with another “I love…” card.

About 30 seconds after I post this blog I am going to take the remaining 6 roses and deliver them myself. This time the note will say “I love… how I’m the luckiest person in the world. I love how I want to spend the rest of my life with you…” At which time my epileptic seizure level nerves will take over and I will drop to one knee, and well, you know the rest….

Hell, it can’t all be starburst porn and talking about my own ass, can it?

new commenting page

I like it. I give just about my first thumbs up to blogger.com!

48 hours till sunshine, or scattered showers. Whatever. 48 hours till I'll be lying on a beach, or in a pool, or sitting at a pool bar sipping a cerveza or a margarita relaxing the shit out of myself.

Bite this

Every time I see that starburst commercial I want to punch my TV. Fuckin copycatting bitches.

And the Winner is... Me

Last night I won the texas hold em tournament we ran. Yeah, I ran it and I played in it and I won it. I promise I didn't cheat. Only when I dealt did I pull the aces out of my sleeves. Also, my friends and I had a pre super bowl game in which I won. So, basically, I rule.

It's been 3 years since you looked at me

Today is the 3 year aniversary of the day titso and I met at a chinese resturaunt. We had been working on a project for about a month before that but in different buildings 40 minutes apart. Our bosses were friends and they decided to get all of our groups together for a lunch. At the time, I didn't know it but they were trying to set us up. Her boss had been telling her she would think I was cute, my boss never said a word. I had no idea she was my age and she thought I sounded like a 60 year old man on the phone.

So we all met for lunch and convientently the only open seat when she sat down was next to me. We never talked. I said "You're titso?" "she said "yeah", I said "hi, I'm Tim" she said "yeah". For most people if I introduce myself, then thats more conversation than you'll ever get from me. I later found out her quietness was due to the fact that her boss was right about me. (But she'll never admit it) She hasn't been quiet since.

That was a Friday and the following Monday she emailed me about the project with a little opening of personal conversation. That escalated and 2 weeks later she was broken up with her boyfriend, and the rest goes down in infamy, er history.

Boring to the 3rd power

Well peoples, it’s going to be one of those weeks. One of those pre-vacation weeks where I don’t feel like doing anything. I’m either too busy working or too busy thinking about vacation or too busy thinking about another thing that I will probably not share with you all until at least Friday. This week is gonna suck. So just a warning: If you want to read crap, keep coming back here all week. I suck.

In the meantime, you can entertain me by voting on what you think the other thing I’m thinking about is.

1. I'm thinking that I’m more limber than the average man and I’d be perfect as one of those clowns that can fit into a tiny car in the circus
2. I’m thinking really a female trapped in a mans body and I’m going to come out with it.
3. I’m going to quit my job and go into porn. Starburst porn.
4. I’ve been trying to decide if I’m fabulous, or extraordinary, and I can’t come to a conclusion.
5. I’m bored and I need something to do.
6. all of the above
7. none of the above. Please provide your guess.

Generally throughout a day I'll have enough time to daydream and think of something stupid to write on my blog. No such luck today. So not only did I go against everything I stand for and come in to work the day after the eagles lost in the super bowl, but I actually was too busy to write anything until 5pm. And on top of all that, I'm not writing anything funny or interesting. SO... I've decided to just curse again.

FFFFUUUUCK!

FFFFUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!

oh well. in 120 hours I'll be lying on a beach.

but still,

FFFFUUUUUCCKKK!!!!!!!!

GO EAGLES!!!!!!!!!!



96 hours of drinking begins in

5..
4..
3..
2..
1........

as requested...

uh huh..

My blog has been titled "Chloraphil?? More like Bore-a-phil!" for about 4 months now. And yes, "Chlorophyll" is spelled wrong. You got something to say about that??

What Not to Wear

I really liked liked this idea I saw posted by Chick who stole it from Average Joe . They posted pictures of everything they were wearing for the day. Joe even posted a full picture of himself which was pretty sweet. I'm just going to post pictures of everything I put on this morning before leaving the house so you can get a good visual of what I have on right now.





And that's all. Yep, I left the house wearing only my girlfriend's thong. I felt kinda weird at first, but I think people like it since everyone's checking me out.

Best Day of Work Ever

At 11:30am we will have our first Wing Bowl in our cafeteria. The Wing Bowl is a 12 year old event in Philly. Since the city got sick of not making it to the super bowl, the wing bowl was started. In the real wing bowl contestants eat somewhere between 150 and 200 wings in about 15 minutes. Our version is only a 6 wing speed race, but here's to hoping they also have the beer bongs and keg stands the real wing bowl has...

Long-haired freaky people need not apply

North Korea wages war on long hair
Apparently this is not new news, but it’s new to me. You aren’t allowed to have long hair in North Korea anymore. Hidden videos will capture your long hairedness and put your name and address on TV and you will be mocked. Apparently long hair cuts off the oxygen to your brain and makes you stupid… but only if you are a man. I guess for women either this oxygen rule does not apply, or North Korea doesn't care if women are stupid. Oh, by the way, long hair on men is ok if you are balding and you have a comb-over.

I know a lot of people will say that this is everything that’s wrong with communism, but I like it. I think the US should adopt this policy. In fact, I like this so much I’ve come up with a few more things the US should do to keep people smart.

1. No one should wear the color brown. Brown is obviously the color of stupidity. Except in shoes and belts.
2. The letter Q should be dropped from the alphabet. I’ve said it before; I’ll say it again. Q is too dependent. If it can’t stand on it’s own, it doesn’t deserve to be honored the same as other more superior letters like I and A. Q makes people dumb.
3. All baseball hats, skullcaps, and bandanas should be burned. They constrict the head, and prevent the brain from growing. Cowboy hats are still ok as long as they are official 10-gallon hats.
4. People with Boston, New York, or Southern accents should be forced to take classes to get rid of their accents. Everyone should speak proper English, like a Philadelphian. Yo!
5. Jewelry should be banned. It makes both men and women crazy and stupid.
6. Men should not be allowed to wear tight fitting clothes. It restricts blood flow and makes them stupid. Especially that guy at the gym who wears the XX small white Under Armor. Yes, we can see your nipple rings through your shirt that is so small its melting into your skin. No, you do not look cool. Yes, your tight clothes have made you stupid.
7. Women should not be allowed to wear loose fitting clothes. Just because.
8. All boys should be named Tim. Parents have complete control over the boy's middle name. As long as it rhymes with Shristopher.

Interesting new blocked site...

Access to this web page is restricted at this time.
Reason:
The Websense category "Tasteless" is filtered.

URL:
http://ironpants.blogspot.com/

yet, ironpanties isn't blocked.... hmmm...

Man vs. Cat

As promised, last night I held a peeing contest with my cat. If we were judged solely on quantity, I took the cake. Last night was Riverdog Poker’s first night at a new bar. It was pretty successful considering there was only 3 days of advertisements in the bar. Anyway, I had about 5 or 6 beers while the poker was being played. My drinking lead to my unintentional win in the quantity department.

Tim 1, Fawn the cat 0

The next category was aim. We were peeing in the closet, so the aim catgory was based on how concentrated we could make our pee to build a puddle. As I may have said here before, I can’t hit a toilet bowl, so my aim is not very good. Needless to say, the score was tied.

Tim 1, Fawn 1

The third and final category was smell. If I would have remembered about the contest earlier in the night, I definitely would have just had an asparagus bunch for dinner, but I forgot. And, I was drinking, so my pee was pretty watered down. Fawn wins the smell category and the contest. Stupid cat.

Tim 1, Fawn 2

All work and no blog make Tim something something.

something something =

1. a dull boy
2. go crazy
3. kinda happy to feel not worthless
4. upset I haven't had time to read anyone's blogs
5. horny

Finally!

Someone finally reached my blog by googling starburst porn.

I hope it wasn't someone that's been here before. I hope it was just some sick, sick individual. (because people that search for starburst porn are sick, but people that make starburst porn are normal... mmmm kay.)

In other news, titso came back from Cali last night. She couldn't find her car in the parking lot. It was 0 degrees out and she was walking in circles for 20 minutes. I drove the half hour to the airport, picked her up and drove her around the lot until we found her car. And doing that actually didn't bother me at all. I'm not sure if that makes me a) whipped b) in love or c) just plain stupid.

True Romance

With Valentine's Day coming up, I'm working on a poem for my girlfriend. If you've ever seen 10 Thing I Hate About You, this is the style I've chosen to write the poem in (except changing the "hate" to "love"). It may need some fine tuning, but I think it's pretty good so far.

I love it when you look at me that way,
I love it that you don’t think I’m gay.
I love it that you don’t care if I’m a loner,
I love it how when I look at you I get a boner.
I love it when you go fishing and catch me bass,
Don’t you just love to look at my ass?
I love it when you cook me a delicious dinner,
I love it that you’re not a loser, you’re a winner.
I love it when you shovel the snow instead of me,
I love it that this poem is over, cause I gotta go pee.

You are so Beautiful to Me

There’s 5 things in my life that mean anything to me right now.
Titso.
RiverDog Poker.
The Eagles.
My upcoming vacation to Punta Cana.
And Lucky Charms.

Click here to see my pictures from the Eagles game.

Click here to see my Lucky Charms

Old Skool

Kidnappers demand $3 million for MLB player's mom

People still kidnap for money?? That’s so 1980’s. I’ll never understand the laziness behind that.

Kidnapper 1:”Dude, we ran out of milk again. It’s your turn to buy it.”
Kidnapper 2:”Dude, I bought the salami last week.”
K1: “Dude, that salami sucked. You bought the cheap stuff.”
K2: “Dude, I can’t afford the good stuff.”
K1: “Maybe you should get a better job, or look for coupons, or sign up for the Acme card to get discounts.”
K2: “Nah, maybe I’ll just steal someone’s mom and demand money for her return.”
K1: “Good idea.”
K2: “I was thinking about a baseball players mom. That way I could demand like a billion dollars and I'd be able to afford the good shit.”
K1: “Dude, you’re such an idiot, they’ll pay no more than $3 mil.”
K2: ”True dat.”

*Apparently kidnappers use the word "dude" alot.

Dear Readers,
I was just perusing through my most recent 111 posts and I started to think I was giving off the impression that I’m weird. I just want to assure everyone I’m perfectly normal. I swear.
Thanks, Tim

I got to thinking...

When your belly gets smaller, you've lost weight. When your ass shrinks, you've lost weight. When your legs, arms, hips, thighs, face, or anything gets smaller, you've lost weight. So, I was out in the snow yesterday and my nuts shrunk. Did I lose weight?

Freedom

My girlfriend has been in California for just over 24 hours. I’m pleased to report the house has not collapsed yet. I’ve been on the roof twice trying to prevent it, and I’ve managed to keep it mostly intact. On the down side I accidentally burnt two of the bedrooms down and broke all the cat’s legs. Last night I left the keys in the front door and thieves broke in and stole all our tv’s while I was passed out drunk. I can’t figure out how to turn the heat on, so all the pipes burst. I backed up the toilet so I’ve started pissing in the closets. Since she’s not around I see no need for deodorant, showers or a tooth brush.

Yes, my friends, this is shaping up to be a good week!

Heartbroken!

A few months ago I posted a series of pictures explaining how I fell in love with my girlfriend. If you haven't seen them, check them out here. I finished that post off by saying "They lived happily ever after." How wrong I was. A few months after I took those pictures she started acting weird. I was getting suspicious, but only after finding odd semi-liquids in the hot tub did I decide to hire a Private Investigator. Only because she broke my heart in two am I posting these pictures. Revenge!

When I met with the PI I knew after looking at the first picture things were not going to end up good. I couldn't see much, but I didn't have to.


Yep, thats our next door neighboor with her behind the bushes. Mr. Mellow.


I don't even know whats going on in this picture. I guess her desire for kinky things like this is what made her stray.


But, she couldn't have possibly enjoyed this. The Marsh Mellow's don't even have tounges.


This was always her favorite position.


The PI told me this went on for about 2 and a half hours.


Then they moved it towards the hot tub.


Then into the hot tub for more.


And they left that nasty semi-liquid behind... Marsh Mellow fluff!


But karma has a way of working things out. A few weeks after I broke up with her, she was pregnant. Mellow wasn't too happy!


And boy I wish I could have been there in the delivery room when she gave birth. Aparently Mr. Mellow wasn't the only one she was fooling around with...


Mr. Skittles is going to have a lot of explaining to do to Mrs. Skittles!

I am not a geek

I just got out of a team meeting in which we were talking about future system changes. There were discussions, alternatives, and laughing about possible alternatives. Did you ever see that episode of the Simpsons where Bart cheats on a test and gets put in the advanced class? The teacher has them do an algebra equation who’s answer is RDRRR. (the sound of a laugh). I’m so Bart Simpson. As other geeks laugh about the results of some alternatives I wonder why I’m in there with them having no clue what they’re talking about. Oh well, several minute till happy hour…

PS, blogger.com BLOWS for me today

Animal Story II of the day

I was over at the Ass Chronicles today and for some reason Cate’s post reminded me of a true story I thought I’d share.

Two summers ago I was leaving a softball game when I witnessed the most fucked up act of nature I’ve ever experienced first hand. The softball field we play at has a little lake with a stream that flows into it. There’s always ducks and annoying Canadian geese in it (fuckin Canadians!) Anyway, on this particular night as we were walking over the bridge over the stream a duck flew and landed in the water and it was being chased by about 4 other ducks. I thought nothing of it. I just thought they were playing Duck, Duck, Goose. (I am pained by that bad joke.) But things turned nasty pretty quickly. The 4 ducks chasing were suddenly raping the other. Three of the ducks would hold the one’s wings down while the fourth took her from behind (or him, depending on if it was a homosexual rape or a heterosexual rape.) About 4 or 5 of us kinda stood there in awe, not knowing what to do. The ducks were taking turns banging this other duck. It would struggle free and then they’d get a hold of her and switch up. It went on for a good 3 or 4 minutes before the raped duck got free enough to fly away. That incident goes down with 9/11 and the space shuttle disasters as things that will be burned into my memory forever.

No title today

So, I just made a bowel movement at work. Whenever I need to make a BM I’ll only go to one bathroom and I’ll only use one particular stall. We have a men’s room that used to be a locker room. All the lockers are still there, but they took out the shower and put a toilet in there. There is still a wall separating it from the rest of the bathroom and there is still a drain on the floor, but there’s a toilet in there now. It gives me that extra privacy I desire.

Anyway, while I was sitting there, there was an ant crawling around on the floor by the drain. It was one of those miniscule ants. The ant entranced me. Charlie (the ant) must have walked the ant equivalent of a marathon while I was in there. He just kept doing circle after circle. He must have walked 30 feet while I was in there. Doesn’t sound like much, but I challenge you to shrink down 1 millionth of your current size and walk that far. I tried to put him out his misery a few times, but ants are pretty incredible when it comes to escaping the sole of your boots. Nonetheless, it reiterated my belief that if I were to be any animal, I would be a monkey.

12 inches

Right now there's 12 inches of snow on the ground. It's either 12 or 1/2. I can't tell from where I'm sitting.

Salesman Extraordinaire

Willy Loman’s got nothing on me! (that’s a good thing, right?)

Last night RiverDog Poker obtained it’s third customer. I’d attribute that to my masterful personal skills and my uncanny sales abilities. After 3 weeks of having no balls, I finally forced myself to go into the bar I’ve been targeting. My skills at work:

Me: Uh, hi, er, is there a, uh, manager here or something?
Bartender: No, why you looking for a job?
Me: Heh, no, not quite, well, kinda. Um, well… uh, I have a business idea I well, uhhh, I run free poker tournaments and I was kinda wantin to know if you’d be interested.
Bartender: YES! OH MY GOD, YES! The owner and me were just talking about this the other day. Now that Monday Night Football is over, we’ve been looking for something to do on Mondays and Texas Hold Em is what we wanted to do! It’s Texas Hold Em, right?
Me: Yeah.
Bartender: YES! Becky, get Pat on the phone now! We’re going to call the owner now.
Me: Uh, cool.
A minute later…
Bartender: Don’t go anywhere, we’re trying to get a hold of him.
Me. Ok.
A minute later…
Bartender: OK, he wants you to call him right now. Here’s his number.

I go out to my car and call him.

Owner: Hello?
Me: Hi, this is Tim, the bartender just asked me to call you.
Owner: Yeah, can you do Monday’s?
Me: Yeah, we’re free Mondays.
Owner: OK, we’ll start this Monday if that’s ok with you.
Me: Awesome.
Owner: OK, you do your part in getting the word out, and we’ll add the events to our weekly ad in the paper and we have kids that hand stuff out and we’ll put it on there.
Me: Awesome. (thinking: “he has kids that hand stuff out??”” WTF does that mean??)

So, only then does he ask how much we charge and how it works. I coulda told him anything, but I’m an honest businessman. $1 million per night.

Editor's note: I just realized this bar has a website and everything! I'm gonna be big time baby!

Confirmation Hearing is destroying Condeleezza!

CNN.COM's new headline:

Boxer spars with Rice

So after throwing her on a grill, they're bringing in a boxer to kick her ass. Tough day for Leezza.


(so, how ya gonna make that sexual Cate?)

(Nevermind, it can be done.)

cnn.com's Top story

Rice grilled at Confirmation Hearing

Can you believe that?? They freakin ate Condeleezza Rice!?!? I thought we had a good tailgate barbecue at the Eagles game last week, but the tailgate at the Confirmation Hearing takes the cake!

Hablas Espanol?

Exactly 4 weeks from today I’ll be sitting on a beach in Punta Cana. Exactly 4 weeks from today will be Valentines Day. Exactly 4 weeks from today I’ll still be thinking about what to get my girlfriend for Valentines Day. Anyway, from what I’ve heard, no one speaks English where we’re going so we have been advised to learn some Spanish. Thanks to the good folks at Corona, I know that cerveza means beer. While most of my needs are covered by this, I figure in order to not look like an American asshole, I should speak some more. Unfortunately, I haven’t spoken Spanish since my junior year of high school. The only thing I remember from Spanish class is the first sentence I ever spoke in Spanish, “Tengo una cita con Anita.” But unless I meet a girl named Anita and we go out on a date, that’s not going to do me much good. So, I’m asking for help. I need to learn some key phrases/questions in espanol. Can anyone tell me how to say the following in Spanish? (Or even French or some other language just so I can look like I'm trying.)

What is the monkey in my bathroom’s name?
Where can I score some illegal magazines?
How does my ass look in these pants?
Was that David Lee Roth I just saw?
Where do I register for the cock fighting?
Are you a man or a woman?

Mi gusta your help. Merci.

come on!

Can't a guy play some online poker while wearing his guiness slippers without constant headbutts??

Go Birds!

Well, after a bad start to my week things have turned around. All the links fixed and new ones added. Plus I have new friends and there were lots of comments (and we all know comments make the world go round)Thanks for a good week everyone! And now on Sunday you all have to cheer for the Eagles or I'll be in a bad mood and no one will like me next week. Later!

Coincidence?

Prince Harry may Visit Auschwitz

and in a seemingly related story:

Prince Tim may visit Boise

Mr. O’D, 'incandescent with rage,' orders son to visit farm

A montage of Philly local newspapers on Friday display reaction to Tim wearing a derogatory Idaho T-shirt to a private party.

MSNBC News Services
Updated: 10:01 a.m. ET Jan. 14, 2005

PHILLY –Prince Tim, who provoked outrage by wearing an “Idaho? No Udaho?” t-shirt to a private party, is considering invitations from farming groups to visit the Idaho potato fields, a royal official said Friday. The invitations “will be given due consideration, but there are no plans at the moment,” said a spokeswoman at the office of Tim’s father, Prince Mr. O’D.

The official statement followed a Daily News newspaper report saying heir-to-the-throne Mr. O’D was “incandescent with rage” with the 29-year-old grandson of Queen Mom-mom O’Donnell and ordered him to make a private trip to the potato fields to learn more about the hicks.

The spokeswoman stressed that Tim would not attend ceremonies on Jan. 27 commemorating the liberation of the Irish Potato Famine, although the Mr. Potato Head Foundation had urged him to do so.

Tim swiftly apologized for “a poor choice of style” after royal officials learned that The Daily News newspaper was about to print a picture of the prince in a thong on its front page Thursday.

This coffee tastes like sh**

This morning in the Philadelphia Daily News there was an insert all about coffee. It said the world's most expensive coffee goes for $300/pound. And these coffee beans come from cat shit. I smelled something rotten (did I really just write that?), so I looked on the good old internet. Turns out its true .

Fin

ok, I'm done the new sidebar linking. If you don't like your link, let me know and I'll change it. (I'll take you off for bitching)

Isn't California kinda like North Dakota?

Titso was notified yesterday she has to go to LA for the week of Jan 24th for work. (Actually Van Nuys, but isn't everything in CA within walking distance anyway?) She's allowed to stay for the weekend to sight see if she wants and she is going to. Several of the people going out have decided to stay the weekend. She wants me to fly out on Thursday for the weekend. I've been to LA before and wasn't all that impressed. Granted, my main goal while there was to go to every bar from the movie Swingers, but I wasn't impressed nonetheless. I can get a flight for around $200, which is pretty cheap. I'd go, but being that I didn't really like LA the first time, and we already have a trip to Punta Cana booked for February, do I really want to go? What's in LA besides famous people? She wants to go shopping on Rodeo Drive, which gives me 10 times the motivation to stay home.

work in progress

sidebar pics are coming along, its a pain in the ass trying to get them sized right, plus i still haven't looked at them on anything excpet my default browser, so i gotta do some more work on em...

Diversify yo bonds nigga

I love when people post how others found their blogs through web searches. Mine aren't ever all that interesting, but I can say they are diverse. They go from sweet to sour pretty quickly:

Nicknames for loved ones
Jessica Simpson breast size
no tooth left cock

the one I'm most proud of is jessica simpson breast size because that person must have gone through 80 billion sites before reaching mine. I love a go get 'em attitude.

Eligible?

Today I was sitting in the waiting room of my doctor's office and picked up an issue of the Main Line Magazine. The Main Line is an area of Philadelphia that a lot of rich people live in, such as Allen Iverson. This issue's topic was the Main Line's most Eligible Singles. For a second I thought I'd open it up to find and article about me, but then I remembered I don't live on the main line, and I'm not single. So, excited to check out so rich/hot/young singles I immediately flipped to the article. Much to my surprise there were 25 fat/bald/old/average looking rich people. So I said to myself, "self, try to remember to look up eligible when you get home." Here's what the definition is:

adj 1: qualified for or allowed or worthy of being chosen; "eligible to run for office"; "eligible for retirement benefits"; "an eligible bachelor" [ant: ineligible] 2: prohibited by official rules; "an eligible pass receiver"

Before opening the article I thought I was going to get singles fitting definition number 1, but apparenlty these were just 25 people prohibited by offical rules to be pass receivers.

Sidebar preferences?

So, I've already gone through the 5 stages of depression and I'm working on rewriting all my sidebar additions. I'm going to put up picture links to almost everyone like I had before. Some I'm going to steal from your blog, others I lost and will have to come up with something new, others I'll be too uncreative to come up with anything. If you have any preferences as to what you want me to have as the picture to your link, let me know, I'll bow down to your every command. If you want a picture of newly single Brad Pitt that links to you, thats cool, just give me the weblink. Do you have an unhealthy obsession with sweater vests and want everyone to see that here? not a problem. Did I not previously link to you but I should have? Whatever, give me your url and let me know where to find the pic. Did you just "next blog" your way here and want to be linked on the greatest (not even close) blog of all time? Right now I'm recovering from taking it in the ass and thats ok, I'll be ok, I'll do whatever you say master.

I think I'm gonna cry

My browser just errored out mid-template publish and I lost all my customizations. Blogger.com just raped me.

soooo.....

I was alotted 2 weeks to code a project, I just finished it in a day and a half. If the poll doesn't show up here I'll put it on my sidebar, I'd appreciate your input. Thanks!

could I possibly

be so busy I don't have time to think of something to write for the second day in a row? I sure hope not or we're going to have to reconsider this whole working for a living thing.

UGGH!

I can't stand when people come to my desk for an uncomfortable conversation. I don't really wanna talk, that's why there were 14 uncomfortable silences in our 3 minute conversation. Please go back to your own tortorous cube.

more pretty bad pictures

at RiverDog Poker
I'm kinda in a few of these. First person to guess which is me receives eternal sunshine.

Fear Factor lawsuit

Some guy is suing Fear Factor . He says they took it too far when they ate rats. When asked why he didn't change the channel, he said he couldn't change it fast enough. Um, they promoted that segment for a week straight. Sounds to me like he definitely lost his remote. I wish I would have thought to sue people when I'm too lazy to get off the couch.

Closer

I know I’m going against the majority with this, but usually when a movie preview staring Julia Roberts and Jude Law appears on screen I blackout. It’s the visual equivalent to me drinking a case of beer in an hour. I don’t even see what the movie is about. I just have no interest in those two. I don’t particularly hate them, but I just don’t care about them. But then when Natalie Portman appears on screen I come out of my stupor. Then when they show Natalie Portman as a stripper I go black again, for just the opposite reason. You gotta love someone willing to take it all of for art. (and all you girls out there would feel the same way if it were Jude Law baring it all, you know it! admit it!)

And although I heard the nude scene was cut from the movie I think there is still g-stringage. I’ll take the small victory and pray for a directors cut.

Have a good weekend.

Congratulations!

Whoever is the first person to read this has most likely become "unique" visitor 1000. Whatever that means.

I should be on Dr. Phil or something

I wish I could go on Dr. Phil's weight loss challenge because last night I lost 4 pounds in 4 minutes!

Our story begins several weeks ago when I made the conscious effort to grow a beard. After several hours of internal debate (er, seconds) I decided this was the best option for my future. The reasons were twofold. First, I hate shaving. Second, I'm lazy. It seemed like a match made in heaven.

I'm not the type of person that likes to toot my own horn (well, that depends on the meaning of that), but I'm very good at growing facial hair. If facial hair growth was an Olympic sport I'd probably finish just out of the medals behind USA soccer star Alexei Lalas, Osama¹, and a long shot from Kazakhstan who's probably using growth hormones.

Anyway, last night I decided to weigh myself before shaving it all off. The match (previously) made in heaven was too itchy. So I get on the scale, I weigh myself, I shave I weigh myself again, and you guessed it: I lost 4 pounds!² Bring on the Dr. Phil weight loss challenge! Bring on the Biggest Loser 2! And come and get me Osama!³

1. Because we all know Osama would come out of hiding to try to win this gold medal
2. By the time I actually stepped back on the scale I had forgotten what I weighed the first time, so my best guess is that I lost 4 pounds
3. No, don't. Seriously, I was just kidding

The blogabet

Since my mind isn't working too well today (ya know, due to the 12 beers I drank last night) I thought I'd give you a better blog than mine for every letter of the alphabet.

Ass Chronicles
Beauessai
Calm Dreariness
Dickandchick
Edens Ally
Fickle whimsy
Go Fug yourself
Hates kittens, God does
Ironpants
Jootastic
Kenandariel
London calling
Martin
Nitrogen Narcosis
Observations from a stick
Paul
Quietwater
Rtard
Steimes
The pink kitty
Unable to come up with a U
Velma-super
Whatever, Mary Kate
X –sorry, but H, Y, and Z were hard enough to come up with, I had no chance at X. Xorld of Lint
Yeah, I am new
Zero boss

PS. This was a lot harder than I thought it would be and I apologize to any of my readers I skipped, but if your name or blog started with a U or X I'd be all over it.

how it all went...

So, it didn't turn out horrible. Considering the bar has been closed for most of the last two weekends while our advertisements were up (for xmas and new years) I don't think it was too bad. I was hoping for at least 21 players and thats exactly the number we got. About 5-6 people were there playing just to support me as a friend (with another 6-8 just supporting/drinking (not playing (not making me any money!))). Most of the people that left, left saying they can't wait until next week... so I'm thinking things will build as we go along. My brother is talking with another bar this week (a huge bar in center city philly), so I'm hoping that goes well... we'll see... thanks to everyone who gave me thier confidence today, I'm sorry for being such a little bitch. If you're completely bored, check out the horrible pictures we took in the bar way too dark to take anything but close up pictures at River Dog Poker. Titso is the only girl playing (made it to the final 6 people). I'm not in any of them, my brother is the one dealing, wearing glasses at one of the few visible pictures.

Riverdog poker, take 1

I think most people that know me would agree that I’m one of the most laid back people they know. I’m quiet, I’m shy, I don’t let much bother me. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I don’t care what people think about me (because I do, everybody does no matter what they say), but when someone doesn’t want to be my best friend I try to just let it roll off my back. I never get stressed out.

Tonight’s the first night of the poker business I started with my brother. For the first time in my life I’m truly stressed out. (just ask the zit on the side of my nose that’s applying for it’s own area code.) I’ve done a lot of other things in my life that should have caused more stress than I’m feeling now, but for some reason this is the most I’ve felt it. In all actuality I’m risking no more than a few hundred dollars, but it’s not really the money I’m worried about. It’s failing. I don’t like to fail. I don’t fail. But at this point there’s not much else I can do to prevent that. In my opinion, it’s truly a good business idea. I’ve told everyone I know about it to try to get people out to help ensure success, but at the same time that may be what has stressed me out the most. It would be failing in front of everybody I know that would really kill me. I know tonight my family will be there, my friends will be there. And after tonight, success or failure, they will still be there. But with just 10 hours to go before the start of the business, it’s hard to convince myself that’s all that really matters.

(And if it is a success, I’ll have a website (or at least a blog) going by the end of the week with pictures and whatnot.)

better late than never - 05 resolutions

• drink less *
• do some work before blogging in the morning *
• eat better *
• be world's best boyfriend *
• go to the gym 3-4 days a week *
• be more personable *
• save more money *

* indicates resloution has already been broken

Michael J Foxy

Today I was over at Nique’s blog and for no reason whatsoever I left a comment in the voice of Michael J Fox from Back to the Future. I thought it seemed appropriate at the time. So I got to thinking how cool it would have been to be Marty McFly in that movie. He got to travel back in time, he was a total dreamboat (according to his mom), AND he pretty much invented the skateboard. I’ve always wanted to shape a future generation.

So then I wondered to myself, if I could be any character from any movie who would it be?

As a guy my obvious first choices would be any character played by DeNiro or Nicholson. So I had to think of what their best movies were. For DeNiro, it’s Taxi Driver. I think it would be pretty cool to be on the verge of being psycho. But I don’t know about the attempted assassination/pimp killing/pedophile/taxi driving thing. So, on to Nicholson. His best movie was The Shining. It would be totally cool to be a complete psycho. But at the end of that movie he freezes to death and I’m not down with that.

Others I thought of would be Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke since he’s such a bad ass. Sylvester Stallone in Over the Top because I always wished I were better at arm wresting. Christopher Reeves in Superman for obvious reasons. Dennis Hopper in Hoosiers so I could (officially) be the town drunk. And Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite so I could have a sweet bike.

BUT, at the end of the day I think I would choose to be Jessica Simpson in the upcoming Dukes of Hazzard movie because I’d love to have a killer rack like that. (and cate, I wouldn’t care about having a “man jaw” as you like to say, since you know, I’m a man and all.)

So all still reading, who would you be?

100 things in 100 seconds

I'm going to list 100 things I like and I'm going to do it in 100 seconds... ready, go!

1. um.. I like certain foods
2. music's cool
3. some movies are good, but not all of them
4. hmm..... i like sports


dammit, I couldn't do it. Maybe next time.

Our tax dollars hard at work

New Bin Laden tape is authentic. Have they ever gotten a tape that wasn't authentic? Why do they keep having to verify this? Do they think it's just a bad episode of Crank Yankers or something?

Dooce?

I mean no disrespect, but I don't get it. It seems to me that 75% of people that link to other blogs, link to Dooce. I've gone there a handful of times and don't see the attraction. Is it a chick thing that I don't understand? Was Dooce the inventor of blogs or something? What am I missing?

worst day of work ever

Something's wrong with my internet connection. Every page takes about 5 minutes to load. What do they expect me to do all day? Work??!?

The O'Donnell Rules of weight loss

subtitle: Or how to fake weight loss to make yourself feel better

1. Get on TITSO's new scale immediately after stuffing your face after Christmas dinner (190lbs)(note: mommy and daddy santa got her the scale. Not boyfriend santa. DEFINITELY NOT boyfriend santa)
2. After two days of doing nothing, get on scale after a light lunch (185.5 lbs)
3. After going to the gym and breaking s sweat for the first time in a month, and not eating for hours, empty bowels and bladder and get on scale (181 lbs)

9 fake pound in 48 hours. Gauranteed or your money back.

I went all in and won *

So today after my brothers opened all our presents from Santa my parents announced there was one last present. I was sure it was going to be the "Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle" I've been asking for. But I was wrong. My dad said only one of me or my brothers was going to get the present this year and we would rotate it for the next two years. Hmm, a lot of interesting thoughts running through my mind... (none of which actually had anything to do with it, they were more along the lines of "did I leave the iron on?", and "I wonder how my ass looks in these pants") After a lot of fake "no, you take it this year", "nah, you can have it", we decided to play one hand of poker, all in, winner takes the gift. We delt the hand and your's truly came up the winner. My dad went and got an envelope and handed it to me. And as I open it up I read "Father-Son golf tournament in Southwest Ireland." So, the first week of May I'll be hacking up the best golf courses in Ireland! Haha!!! yeah! suckers!

*Denotes Future Posts Title used

Napoleon Dynamite

I haven't gotten so much pleasure out of a movie with so little plot since Naughty Cheerleaders 14. Although I guess it wasn't so much that Naughty Cheerleaders 14 didn't have a plot, I just kind of thought they needed to spice it up a little more. The series was taking a turn for the bad. Here's how that series went if I remember correctly:

Naughty Cheerleaders 1: Tackling the Football Team
Naughty Cheerleaders 2: Stroking the Swim Team
NC 3: Down Low with the Basketball Team
NC 4: Four Balls and Two Bats with the Baseball Team
NC 5: The Lacrosse Team Has Big Sticks
NC 6: Swinging with the Golf Team
NC 7: A Backhand from the Tennis Team
NC 8: Big Horns with the Band
NC 9: Check Your Mate with the Chess Team
NC 10: Oral Pleasures with the Debate team
NC 11: Glee with the Glee Club
NC 12: Experimenting with the Science Club
NC 13: Muy Caliente with the Spanish Club
NC 14: Reformatting the Computer Club's Hard Drive

As you see it all makes sense up until NC 14. Everyone knows computer geeks don't get chicks.

I'm obsessed with Malcolm-Jamal Warner

That's what I've decided to name my blogger pet. I can't stop clicking on him. He tells the worst jokes ever! He's great! The more I click on him, the more embarrased I get for whoever created him and wrote his jokes.

Books are the new G.I. Joe

I went shopping at lunch today and picked up Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs while waiting for TITSO to do some shopping. I asked for this for Christmas and it instantly became my most anticipated gift. I can't wait!

happy things

I want to see the blogger pet do backflips or something, so we'll see if he can tell I'm in a good mood. happy, happy, joy, joy, great, fun, super, swell, boobs, awesome, funny, neat, great, bootylicous, fantastic, fabulous, amazing. how's that beeyotch??

Blogger pet

another new sidebar addition. No clue what it does. If it doesn't do something cool in a few days, it will die a quick and very painful death.

Company Q&A

The company I work for has 30,000+ employees. Once a month a Question and Answer email is sent out including all the company policy questions people have asked. This was one from today's Q&A:

I think I have witnessed abuse of the Short Term Disability Leave (STD) policy. Does the company have any plans to decrease the percentage of pay for STD to discourage abuse of this benefit? The abuse of STD really hurts departments that have work shared among employees. It really affects the service factor numbers because workers are spread too thin and get burned out.


First of all, we really have a policy called the STD policy?? And second, there is no way this person could be serious. "pay for STD","STD really hurts", "shared among employees", "get burned out". Come on! This person totally just wanted to write those phrases in an official email.

Future Posts

When I came in this morning I did't feel like writing anything. So I thought I'd try to do that weekend alphabet thing below. I've now decided to create a list of titles of posts I will some day write. So, I've added that to my sidebar and will cross them off when I write them. My inital list is as follows:

I wish I had remembered to poke my eyes out
I went all in and lost
I went all in and won
Being a porn star can be hard. Literally
And that is how I conquered the world
Wednesdays are for lovers
How to kill a man with half of a napkin
No I will not make out with you!

At some point in my life I'm sure each of the above titles will be completely relevant to what's going on in my life and I will share that event with you when the time comes.

My weekend through the alphabet

Afternoon nap. What I took after the Eagles game.
Bloody Marys. What I started drinking at 10:30am yesterday.
Coors Light. What I drank Saturday on special.
Dad. The only person I still need to buy a Christmas present for.
Edgerrin James. Put me into my fantasy football super bowl with his touchdown.
Four Seasons. Where the Christmas party for my dad’s company was held (I’m the “computer guy”)
Guidelines and Rules of Play. The document I wrote for my new poker business.
Highlight of the weekend: Seeing the logo my brother created for the business.
Ice cold. What it was this morning.
Jumped for Joy. What I did when I found out we don’t need to drive to Virginia on Christmas.
Kevin. My brother we hung out with not in on the poker business.
Last letter I actually filled out on this list.
Miller Light. What followed the bloody marys.
Nothing. What I’ve done since I got in this morning.
One thirty two. My pathetic 5 game bowling average.
Playboy. Subscription I started receiving this weekend. (TITSO said the deal was too good to pass up!)
Quickly. How the equipment I ordered for my business better get here.
River Dogs Poker. My business’ name.
Snow. First of the year last night.
Two hours of Christmas shopping.
Underwear with 5 holes in it. What I finally threw out last night.
Vacations. What I looked for on the internet for early next year.
Wiper blade. Fell of my car because of ice this morning.
X-ray, came up negative for T.O.’s injury.
Yesterday the Eagles became the only team to ever sweep the NFC East.
Zero times I played poker.

It's Official. I'm not lazy.

Although that's debatable, I got off my lazy ass last night and talked to the owner of the bar I play softball for in the summer. I just ordered all the equipment and I will be starting my own business the first week of January. No buy in Texas Hold 'Em tournaments will be coming to a bar local to you. Or at least local to me. Upon speaking to the bar owner as the idea sunk in and the other guys at the bar overheard my pitch a quick buzz grew and the whole place agreed it's a genius idea. So, if anyone wants to start calling me genius, feel free.

My brother and I will be co-owners of the 'bizneetch'. He went to school for graphic design, so hopefully he can come up with a good logo for our yet to be named company. Coming up with a name could prove to be difficult. I'm thinking either Microsoft or General Motors. Either one of those or maybe a more poker related name like Pocket Kings (in which my brother and I will wear burger king hats and sit around playing pocket ball the whole night) , or 2-7 offsuit (with the logo being a number 2 and a number 7 wearing really bad suits), or King Jack Suited (with the King and the Jack wearing pimp suits). Suggestions are welcome.

He's got hiiighh hopes....

Last night I dreamt about skydiving again. This time, I don't know who was with me, I only remember opening my shoot a second before hitting the ground. So now today I'm forced into researching what this means. And this is what I found :

To dream that you are skydiving, represents your high ideals. Sometimes you may need to compromise these ideals and be more realistic of your expectations.

This leads me to believe one of the following:

• The Eagles will not win the Super Bowl, which will be of no surprise.
• Angelina Jolie will never fall in love with me. Impossible!
• I might not be voted the Sexiest Man Alive in 2005, but I doubt it.
• My cheese slicer/cell phone invention may never take off.
• My going to the media with my accusation that Kobe's wife was hitting on me won't go over well.
• My writing skills might never be as masterful as Hemmingway's. (Whatever!)

I must admit I will be thoroughly disappointed if any of the above don't work out as planned.

Today's the day, today's the day, hot damn today's the day.

Today I start my Christmas shopping. The only thing that will stop me is if I change my mind after work or I can't find a front row parking spot at the mall within 3 minutes.

Cookie swapccess

The stained glass cookies were good enough looking to get some "ohh"s and "ahh"s. Luickly no one tasted them during the swap. SUCKERS! My sugar high will begin shortly.

Today after lunch we're doing a "cookie swap" here at work. Organized by your's truely's own TITSO. Being that she's running it she felt the need to make 16 dozen cookies. Literally. We spent about 6 hours on Monday, then she spent about 6 more last night while I went out and played poker. (thats why I love her) "My" cookie to swap is the Stained Glass Cookies. They look really neat and sound good, but don't let the name fool you. All it tastes like is a big friggen life saver. Worst cookie ever. Everyone's gonna make fun of me. I'll be know as the guy in the office who makes bad cookies. I'll be an outcast. Stupid cookies.

A dream I had last night that might make me an unintentional stalker

I'll first tell the dream, then give my analysis:

I'm very bad at remembering full dreams. I pretty much remember them in bits and pieces. What I remember is I was in a plane skydiving. And I was skydiving with people who's blogs I read. I remember cate and dominique were there. I know there were others there too, but I can't say for sure who. Partially because I have no idea what anyone look like. Not that I know what cate looks like though (dominique has a picture or two,s o I have a basic idea of her). All I remember is flying over a city and knowing we needed to jump out of the plane asap in order to land back where I needed to be. I have no idea what city it was or why we were skydiving over a city. I remember jumping, opening the shoot and landing, then needing to go get drunk, but not much of the details of all of it.

My analysis: I was in a plane earlier that day thinking about how scared out of my mind I would be to skydive, even though I've done it before. So, thats what prompted the skydiving part. Why blogger friends were with me is probably because when I got home, TITSO wasn't home, so the first thing I did was go on my blog and catch up on a few other blogs. I pathetically missed blogging while I was gone. Why I only remember cate and dominique? Probably because 'nique is currently flying somewhere and has said she'd love to skydive. Why cate, I don't know, I guess because her blog was the first I really started to read. Why did I need to get drunk? because yesterday was my first day not drinking in 5 days. I feel like I need therapy for having a dream about blogging and people I've never met before. I know I need therapy for a laundry list of other things, I guess this is just something else to check off. If I ever decide to end it all because of my patheticness, I've decided I will do it by swallowing my cell phone. So if you ever hear of someone dying that way, think of me.

had my christmas lunch today

and I drank for about 4 hours and came back to work. So this will explain why I'm about to post my 3rd blog in the past half hour.

I'm a follower

From cate and kitty and half the blogs I read:

A) First, recommend to me:

1. a movie.

2. a book.

3. a musical artist, song, or album.

B) Ask me three questions. Ask me anything you want.

C) Go to your blog (if you have one), copy and paste this, and allow everyone to ask you anything.

Bro's without Ho's '04

Yesterday I returned from the 4th annual golfing trip with my brothers and pop. Although the weather wasn’t too good, a good time was had by all. Highlights included:

• Being presented with the question: How many O’Donnell men does it take to change a flat tire?
• Not being able to come up with an answer before road side assistance stepped in after 15 minutes. (We hadn’t yet figured out how to get the jack out of the holder, the spare tire off the bottom of the car, or the cap off the flat tire to get to the lug nuts. Yes, we are pathetic.)
• Missing our flight home and being told all remaining flights to Philly were over booked.
• Being told at 5am the next day that there were about 40 free seats on those flights.
• Going to the world worst sports bar. Fox Sports Bar in the Orlando airport. Advertised the NFL package and didn’t have it. Blared horrible Jessica Simpson and company pop music through the speakers and we were told to move our seats if we didn’t like it. (There were speakers every 3 feet)
• Sucking at golf.
• Calling my little brother Governor Jim McGreevy the whole trip.
• Making up raps about how gay each other are.
• Watching one of the greatest golfer of all time on a practice tee.
• Finding out Budweiser has an Energy Beer called “B to the E”. It’s not bad.
• Getting my brother to be my business partner. Now I just need to do the leg work, which I’m too lazy to do.

Unoriginal Bastards

This is Malaysia's flag:




Freakin copycats.

Yes, I am struggling to do work before my vacation.

1440 minutes and counting...

In 24 hours my flight will be touching down in sunny Orlando Florida for 4 days of sun, golf, drinking, gambling, strip clubs, intravenous drugs, and waking up in gutters with no pants on and missing organs. Have fun working beeotches!!!

I've seen on other people's blogs that they can see how people reached thier sites. How? Am I missing something? Or is this a feature of haloscan or something?

My blog: Reviewed

Today Keith over at Ironpants shared an article someone wrote about his blog. I know at some point my blog will get to a point of being reviewed, so I figured I'd save the reviwer some time. I simply took the review of Ironpants, changed a few words and made it my own. Future reviewer: you're welcome!


I love a funny read, so I was looking forward to reviewing a blog in the humor category. The name "Chloraphil? More like Bor-a-phil?!?" concerned me, though, as I wondered if this was another "wanna be" frustrated comedian's site full of potty humor. Chlorophil, however, is in no way shape or form, humor.

Tim is a single programmer in his late 20's who lives and works in Philadelphia, PA. The reader has several opportunities to get to know Tim. In fact, the entire blog is an insight into his personality. Readers can access the "Starburst Porn" as well as a list of "Other stuff no one cares about" with simple clicks on the Archives button, then just looking through crap since nothing is in any kind of order.

Tim loves his ass. He touches it quite frequently and is kind enough to tell everyone about it. There the reader will find themselves becoming uncomfortable and not sure if they should keep reading. I don't know if he actually likes his ass as much as he claims, but they are definitely buns I wish I had! My favorite blog entry is entitled “Go Away” posted on Nov 19th. I won't ruin the suspense for you. You should honestly just go away and not bother reading it.

I could do without the daily postings, because quite honestly they smack of boredom. This is a new "feature" for Tim and perhaps he'll drop it soon. He doesn't need to try to resort to this to be funny. Another feature I like quite a bit is Tim’s “low self-esteem.” In these posts the writer breaks down his insecurities for you with tidbits such as "am I hot?" or "Do I have a nice ass?” etc.

The blog itself is hosted on Blogger, but the template is in no way customized. The sidebar does not include links to the featured posts mentioned above, as well as the archives. I did find it a bit confusing in that the archives start at October 2004. No one really cares about what happened to Tim 2 months ago. Perhaps this was done intentionally to prevent the reader from reading his newer, even less interesting thoughts, and if so is uneccessary. The pictures in the sidebar are GREAT! I especially love the traffic pattern pictures. It's refreshing to read a blogger who is not dedicated to his penis. My only complaint is that the grammatical errors that appear sporadically throughout are a bit irritating. Tim is a programmerr afterall, he should know better.

Overall, Chloraphil is a blog that contains many posts that will help me fall asleep at night. The posts aren’t unique and the reoccuring features aren’t worth coming back for. While not any of the posts are "laugh out loud, spit milk through the nose" funny, this blog is definitely one which you should click ‘next blog’ on when you stumble across it.

Dead serious question I want answered!

This summer TITSO and I went to a B&B down the shore. There was a water tower a few blocks away from where we stayed.

Me: "Why are water towers always so high off the ground?"
TITSO: "I don't know."

A few weeks later I asked some guys I was golfing with.

Me: "Why are water towers always so high off the ground?"
Golfer guy: "Because it creates water pressure."
Me: "Oh, ok, cool"

Fast forward to 3 months later (yesterday).

Me: "Remember when we talked about water towers over the summer?"
TITSO: "Barely."
Me: "Well I heard they're so far off the ground because of water pressure."
TITSO: "So how does the water get up there? Don't they need to create pressure to get it up there in the first place? I don't see the point in that."
Me: "Dammit, you're right."

Anyone know why water towers are so high off the ground? I'd rather ask you than look it up on the internet.

P.S. Three posts in one day is a record. (Besides the starburst porn that I posted in a series since I didn't know how to put all the pictures in one post.)

Levi's

501 different people have come to this site. About 11 have left comments. To the other 490, I have one word for you: Bite Me.

Shorthand

I just wrote about a 15 page post, but deleted it because I know no one likes to read posts that are too long, so I'll summarize it for you.


Getting kneed in the nuts. Not good.
Beetlejuice. Great.
Lizards that can walk on water. Awesome
Big Buildings. Eh, OK
War and Peace. Long
Groundhogs. Overrated.
Wart Hogs. Bad ass.
The letter Q. Too dependant.


Editor's note:
Wart Hogs. Have Hulk Hogan hair.

ASSMAN

Wellkay, (<-- new word, well+okay) I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m an ass man. And by ass man, I mean, I really like my ass. Man. While the typical man sits in front of the TV in the Al Bundy pose of the hands down the front of the pants, you can probably catch me with my hands down the back of my pants at any given time. At times I actually double dip with one down the front and one in the back.

I realized this last night. I got home from the gym and was walking up to my room to grab a change of clothes and noticed I had both hands on my ass as I walked up the stairs. Then in a Sixth Sense type flashback, my life ran through my mind in a matter of seconds and I had my hands on my ass in every memory.

Later I was making my healthy dinner of French toast and found myself unconsciously smacking my ass with the spatula. I couldn’t help it.

If I ever put a real picture of myself on this site it would probably just be a close up of my ass.

Does this make me weird?

I want to start a businees, but I'd rather sleep

Last night I went to my 3rd night of poker at a bar local to my work. A group of guys bring a bunch of poker tables and chips into a bar and charge the bar $5 per man that plays. It's free to play and the bar just gives out prizes to the top players, so it's all legal. There's a million bars around here that I know would be willing to do this. It would be a nice extra few hundred dollars a day. The problem lies in having to stay at a bar till 2am everynight. Too bad I'm not still 21. Damn getting old and my comfortable ass bed!!