I have gas

I just went to Wawa at lunch to get gas. So, as soon as I pulled into the gas stall (is that what they’re called?), Impatient Lady pulls in right behind me and waits. She was like 4 inches from my car which I took as meaning she was in a rush and she wanted me to hurry the fuck up. So, all rushed and wanting to please Impatient Lady, I hurried inside to grab the newspaper. When I got out, there were like 7 other stalls open, but she was still 4 inches from me, waiting. I quickly dismounted the gas stall and pulled out (he he) only to realize it didn’t fill all the way up. So, now I only have a half a tank of gas because of my please-all attitude. Impatient Lady cheats on her husband and beats her kids with wire hangers.

An Ode to Softball

I love you because you are soft, not hard.
When I play you, I have fun, except when I suck.
I wish I could play with my softballs all day long.
But then they would get hard.
And I like my balls soft.

Passin Me By

I always fuck up passer-by conversations. You know, when you’re walking down the hall and instead of the normal fake smile/head nod, someone actually speaks? Well, I always give the wrong answer. I panic trying to remember their name when they actually speak to me. If I actually get that right, then I’ll fuck up whatever question they asked me. Examples:

Bob: “Hey Tim”
Tim: “Hey Bob” (yes!)
Bob: “What’s happening?”
Tim : “Good, how are you?” (dammit!)


Joe: “Hey Tim.”
Tim: “Hey Joe.” (sweet!)
Joe: “How you doing?”
Tim: “Not much.” (I’m retarded!)

Rhonda: “Hey Tim.”
Tim: “Hey Beth” (oh crap…)
Rhonda: “What’s going on?”
Tim: “Titties.” (mmm, titties..)

Speak now or forever hold your penis

If you read this before 1pm est, tell me a good cd I should buy.

I suck

at golf.

No I will not make out with you!

I'm taking Tuesday off to go golfing. I figure I'm playing in a father son tournament next week, I should play at least once before I go. Have fun playing with your private parts all day. Losers!!

How Ireland was Destroyed

Five years ago I went to Ireland for a second time in as many years. It was probably the best vacation I’d ever been on. Played golf for 8 days, hooked up with a German chick, hooked up with an Irish chick, and got drunk and hung out with my family. Can’t beat that.

Except one thing: Will Smith ruined my vacation. Will Smith wasn’t actually on my vacation pissing in my pint glasses, but he may as well have been. You see; I hate Will Smith. Will grew up in Philly and we all loved him when he first starred in the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire. He was all about being a Philly boy, which made all us Phillyians proud. Then he got too famous and started becoming a total a-hole. He only starred in movies that had special effects that hid his true crappiness. He somehow adopted Miami as his hometown and rapped about it. He married a total psychotic bitch. He sold out.

When my brothers and I stepped on the plane to Ireland we all frantically checked the in-flight magazine to see what movie we’d be seeing. Much to our dismay, Wild Wild West was on the eastbound flight. We grumbled, we cursed his dumb ass, and we settled in to try to watch this unwatchable piece of shit. I gave up before the first scene was over. Will Smith blows. Luckily on the westbound trip we would be watching the comic genius of Adam Sandler in Big Daddy.

So, we survived the eastbound flight and had an amazing week in Ireland. Eight days later my brothers and I settled into our seats for the flight home. We put on our headphones budding with excitement, elbowing each other like 8 year olds on Christmas morning. That’s when everything went wrong.

In the beginning of a long flight, they’ll show you a preview of the shows and movies they’ll be playing. The prelude to a panic showed Wild Wild West as the in-flight movie. My brothers and I all grabbed for our in-flight magazines and confirmed that Big Daddy would be the westbound movie. We determined that the preview tape was wrong and waited for Big Daddy to begin.

I’ve never been on a plane that’s been hijacked, but when Wild Wild West started up on that flight, I knew exactly what it felt like. There was an initial panicked thought that this can’t be happening to me. No!!…Holy shit, this is really happening. What the hell can I do to stop this?!? I grabbed every flight attendant within ear shot and pleaded with them. Please, don’t ruin my vacation with this! My cries fell on deaf ears as Wild Wild West played from start to finish. Will Smith had pissed in my pint glass.

Why I hate my office

Titso was just walking up the stairs and two guys were walking down the stairs and the conversation was this:

dork: "so how did they decide that the square root of negative 1 is an imaginary number, why didn't they pick one, there's a ton of imaginary numbers."

If I were in Titso's position I would have kneed him in the nuts and threw him over the stairwell.

Thinkin bout

- I leave for Ireland on Saturday. How am I supposed to do any work this week?
- Nothing different there.
- Softball starts Thursday, I can’t wait!
- I’m starting to feel like I’ve typecasted myself into having to make a sexual reference or joke with every post.
- Vagina?

That Point of the Month

I’ve decided I hate when a girl calls it her “period.” I’ve come up with a much more hip way of saying it’s that time of the month.

See my previous post where I say “time period in history.” I don’t even think that makes sense because I was going to say “point in history.” They’re similar enough for my likings. So, basically, ‘point’ is my synonym for ‘period’.

So, ladies, now when it’s that time of the month instead of saying “I’m on my period,” you should say “I’m on point.” That would make you sound hot instead of gross.

Focus!

I was watching the Apprentice last night and before deciding on what to create, the team that won did a focus study to try to determine what the consumer really wanted. That got me thinking, am I giving the blogging world what they really want? Probably not, so I’ve decided to conduct a little focus group of my own. I’m going to be a comment whore (what else is new?) and ask you to comment on one of the following statements. Your response will affect all future posts. Please comment on only one! Thanks!

1. The Industrial Revolution was the most progressive time period in history
2. Millard Fillmore installed the first bathtub in the White House. Millard Fillmore was a genius.
3. Penis
4. Boobs

I'm in a good mood

Maybe I'll write something good today. Yeah, maybe I will...

I'm going to be a daddy!

No, wait, uncle. I'm going to be an uncle! My older brother just called me and they are expecting their first. Very cool!!!

The C Word

The house I live in now is in a town who’s name starts with the letter G. I call my house the G Unit. The town we’ll be moving to begins with the letter C, so I need to come up with a nickname for my house that begins with C. Why? Because I give everything a nickname, just ask Tiny Tim, he’ll spit the truth. Anyway, I’m having a little trouble. The Cockpit? The Cunt-hut?

It’s hard.

No, not that.

I'll post something interesting in 20 days

Eight more days until I’m on my way to Ireland. I really need to get away for some peace of mind. This whole getting married and buying a new house thing is taking up all my mind’s time. I get down on myself when I go a day or two and I’m unable to think of anything blog worthy. I think I have a problem. That problem is a crooked penis.

FYI

Working from home with a full tivo does not fuel one's blogging addiction.

What up Bitches?

I'm the new pope yo!

I was elected because my You Know What is this big.




Yes, my religousosity is this big.

boobies

If you could be a mountain range, which would you be? My initial thoughts were the Swiss Alps because Swiss reminds me of chocolate and hot chicks. But Alps reminds me of Alpo dog food. Then I started to think it would be cool to be the Rocky Mountains, but then I see Rocky on that reality show and I don’t really like him anymore. In the end, I don’t know which mountain range I’d be because those are the only two that I really know (besides the Appalachian Mountains, losers!).

Home O'

We’ve figured out a way to get the payments down and can manage the house on just my salary. Titso doesn’t make much less than me. She smart too. We’ve both paid off our cars already, so as it turns out, we’re going to be able to spend titso’s entire salary on beer, bowling, and hookers. In about an hour and a half, the house will probably be ours. (Pending inspection.) I'm happy.

Last week posts were flowing out of me like piss out of a drunk. Not so much today.

For me

Some people use their blogs as a form of personal therapy. As evidenced by my previous 200 posts, I don’t. For once I’m going to write something to try to convince myself one way or the other whether or not I’m doing the right thing. I suggest you divert your eyes.

For the past 6 months since one of my friends became a realtor Kym and I have been getting homes for sale emailed to use everyday. We’ve liked a few and driven by them and decided it wasn’t what we were looking for. One of the first times we drove around we came upon a development that looked exactly like what we were looking for, but no houses were for sale in it. Over the past few months a few houses there have gone up, but they weren’t the ones we really liked. This week our perfect home went up for sale in that development and we went to see it yesterday. We loved everything about it, even the friendly neighbors that seemed to encourage us to buy it. Of course the biggest problem is the price tag. We got price comparisons of the other homes in the development and this is up for about 8% more than ones that sold 4 months ago. But this one also has a full finished basement and an extra full bathroom. Kym just bought a house two years ago knowing she’d only live there for several years because of it’s size. The value of that home has gone up close to 50% because of the market and all the work we’ve put into it. With just the profit off that house we could put up the required 20% down payment on the new house. That would still leave us with a big mortgage. But Kym and I have been good (and lucky) with our money throughout our lives, so we’d still be left with large nest eggs. The mortgage payments would end up being about half of our combined take home salaries. Which in all actuality isn’t that bad. It’s so fucking hard to make a decision that will completely change your life, and having to make that decision within about 24 hours, and to still have to have that decision accepted by another party. Can a life of planning a wedding over 5 months and buying a house that’s 3 times the size and two and a half times the price of your old house be any more stressful?? Life sucks right now. Or is it great? I can’t tell.

Casual Friday Poem

Jeans on.
No belt.
Butt crack showing.
Women Swooning.
Some guys too.

Lew-Ew-Zers

Man, you guys will leve me a comment no matter what I write, won't you?

Won't You!?

Long Post Warning!

I had a team meeting this morning. While half of my brain was diligently paying attention to the presentation, the other half of it was wondering what would happen if everyone in the world suddenly dropped dead of Mad Monkey’s Disease, except the people in my conference room. Of the 26 in the room, there were 15 women and 11 men. So, us men would be hooked up with the whole restarting of the universe thing. Then I started thinking about who I would recreate with. Since titso isn’t on my team, she wasn’t in the room. So, I thought about it logically: what qualities would be the best for the world to have? And I chose the obvious one: good hair. (I know some of you are saying “Whoa, whoa, whoa, two posts about hair in one day??” And I say, “Yes, deal with it bitches.”)

So, as I looked around the room to determine who was hair worthy my eyes kept going back to Russian Milf Lady. She’s got very nice shoulder length, mussy brown hair with blond highlights and random red streaks. She’s probably in her late 30’s and she dresses hot and has a pretty hot body. RML’s hair would be the jeans my genes would want to reproduce with.

As my right hand was taking notes on the presentation, my left hand did a free sketch of her hair. I then transferred it to MS Paint, and here’s what it looks like:


I then drew a picture of my own hair:

Then I drew a picture of what our perfect haired babies would look like. Pretty sweet if you ask me:

Skeeve me a River

I don't watch the show, but are you guys telling me this creepy guy is still an Idol?

I need a haircut

No, not that hair.

Sometimes when I pee I don't shake enough and I get pee all over my leg.

sad face

Sometimes towards the end of the day I'll look at statcounter and see how many people came to my site throughout the day. I can picture them sitting at their desks, clicking on a link to my site, ready to get all horny or giggly. But then they just read the same crap that's been sitting there all day. Then they get mad and kill all the plants on thier desk. I'm sorry little plants. I never meant to hurt you.

Britney's pregnant!

And I'm here today to announce that I am not pregnant. I had you all fooled for a while, but I'm admitting now it was just an evil ruse to get your sympathy. Looking back, I'm kind of ashamed I've been lying to you about my pregnancy for the past year an a half. Thank you for all the presents and money you sent. I will always enjoy and cherish your kind thoughts. I'm sorry I lied, but keep sending money please.

I was going to post nothing but titles today, but decided I couldn’t do that to my faithful readers. You come here expecting more than just titles, so here you are. Three sentences. Now four.

What is the acceptable amount of time I can leave 15 bird shits on my car before cleaning it?

My cat's breath smells like cat food

TMI??

Especially the About Tim section.

PS. This post will self destruct before I leave for the day in about 20 mintues.

Nevermind. I'll just leave it even though I look like I have 6 chins in the picture.

I've decided not to read or write any more long posts. My attention span isn't

Hey Jealousy!

Our cubicles are about 5 and a half feet tall. When I stand up I can look and see the top of Titso’s cube. I often can see the top of a guy’s head in her cube having sex with her. So, I reach into my desk drawer and pull out my big ass knife. When I get over to her cube it always turns out to just be a co-worker talking about something work related. I usually cut him just to get my point across.

I'm hungry for some ______!!

Who's with me?

FUCK NUTS

So... I just played in a $120 per person 85 person texas hold em tournament. Top 7 finishers made money. Who wants to guess which place I came in? No, not 85th you prick. 100 times worse. I got 8th. 1st loser. Fuck me.

Friggen Nazis!!

WTF?!?!? Next thing you know they're gonna ban smoking crack and killing your wife!

Amazing Bible Studies!

So I just figured out that since I got my new laptop every comment I've left on haloscan had the wrong url. Apparently Amazing Bible Studies have the corner on blogspot spelled blogpsot. Go ahead, type your blogspot address spelled blopsot. I'll wait...



Told ya! Those bible fuckers.*



* I didn't mean that they fuck bibles. I meant they are fuckers, and they are bible people.

I Feel Good!

Do you ever have one of those days when you look in the mirror and say “Damn! I look good today!”? Your hair looks just right. You somehow look tan even though you haven’t been in the sun in months. Your outfit looks hot. The little bit of stubble on your face makes you look sexy. You’re blemish free. Your eyes look greener. Your teeth look whiter. And after a bad-breath-check, you can’t stop smelling your own breath because it smells that damn good.

Today is one of those days. Just like yesterday. Just like Wednesday. Just like Tuesday. And Monday, Sunday, Saturday, etc., etc., etc…

Mi Amore

I’m getting married in a few months and I’m happy about that. But one thing I’ve always wanted to experience was to have a girl talk dirty to me in foreign language that I don’t understand. I wouldn't be picky at all either. She could speak russian, french, finnish, pig latin, or just have a really deep southern accent for all I care. I can picture myself picking up a Spanish chick and while we were getting busy she’d be yelling “la leche, el jugo de naranja, el pollo, las papas!!” I’d think to myself, “I have no idea what she’s saying but it sound friggen hot!! I kick ass in bed!”
In reality she’d just be trying to remember what she has to get at the grocery store when this nightmare is all over. (She would need milk, orange juice, chicken, potatoes)

20K

Odds are, later today, my stat counter will hit 20,000. If I had sex with a different girl for every time someone loaded this page since I installed statcounter in December I’d be just like my hero, Wilt Chamberlain. I’d also have every STD I’ve ever joked about having. I’d also have a ginormous smile on my face.

Google maps

Anyone see these? You can type in your address, then click on the "Satellite" button in the top right and see (what I think is) a real picture of your neighborhood. It's obvious looking at my house that one of you needs to come over and mow my lawn.

Assistance needed in aisle 4

Someone give me a topic. I'll discuss my feelings on it.

I love everyone

But seriously, I love some people more than others. One of my most favorite people are people that visit my site by accident then stay. Probably my most googled thing is Nicknames for loved ones. Most people don't find what they are looking for but every once in a while someone loves the name Titso and keeps looking at my shit. To you, I love you. Wanna make out?

NOOO!

Now Santa is dead too!

chicken or the egg?

Would you rather I post nothing, or I post nothing interesting?

Broadcasting Live and In Color

From my new fucking laptop! I can't even explain how great it feels as a programmer to have equipment manufactured after the year 1992. Words just can't

*SPOOGES*

sorry. I'm so embarrased I finished so quickly.

Top that Ashton!

Does anyone else think the pope is going to recreate the ultimate April Fool's prank of dying then coming back to life 3 days later?

I never took a class in writing, but I know what foreshadowing is

Last night I went online and watched the flash cartoon that kid that just went crazy and killed all those people at his school made. After watching it, it seemed kind of obvious that he was going to do that. It’s a horrible situation and I’d never make a joke about it.

BUT, it got me wondering what I’d have to do in life for people to go to my blog and say “Yeah, we should have seen this coming.” Among the things I’ve realized I’m foreshadowing here are:

- I may dump titso and marry Jennifer Love Hewitt.
- I may dump titso and marry another blogger.
- I may dump titso and marry Rosie O’Donnell.
- I may be arrested for becoming a candyaphiliac.
- I may be fired for blogging too much.
- I may become the world’s coolest person.

UPDATED!

- Four Words: Pope Tim the First.

My pride and joy

I have a lot of things in my life to be proud of, to brag about, to tell my grandkids about (when i have them in like 120 years). Number one on that list is my immune system. I have one of the world's best immune systems. It's probably better than yours, so don't even try to say yours is better. Titso has been sick for the past 3 days and my immune system is like "screw that shit, I'm keeping Tim healthy." It's fighting hard right now, but it's gonna win the battle. No doubt. If my immune system and your immune system had a boxing match I'd probably win by knockout in the 5th round. Yeah, it would take 5 rounds, but I'd just be toying with you. My immune system like to fuck with people like that.

Hell Yeah!!

I'm working from home today and coming up next on the Tony Danza show: Carrot Top!

This is shaping up to be the best day ever!!

Question

Is anyone else out there wearing underwear that’s a size too small and squeezing their package? Because I am.

P.S. I’m not quite sure when my blog became nothing more than boobs, penis and butt jokes… but I don’t think I’ll ever go back.

WOOOHOOOOO!

My new laptop came in today! It will take up to a week to get it configured, but soon enough... No more waiting 45 minutes for it to start every morning! No more hanging when I have more that 2 things open! No more 10 second delay on clicking things! No more herpes!

Celebration Day!

Today at work is a new phony thing called celebration day. No bad things are to be talked about and we have 2 hours of meetings to suck up to each other. We have free coffee and bagels in the lobby and a popcorn maker and free soda in the cafeteria. And blow jobs. Free blow jobs in the copy machine room.

Do you guys watch The Real World? No? Then I guess you don't watch Road Rules? Then I guess you don't remember Jake from Road Rules Islands. I thought spending 2 hours making starburst porn for a blog post was impressive, but in his latest blog he spent about $50. Check out his blog, he's funny. Plus his blogs usually contain nudity. And we all know you can't beat funny nudity...

Reason #986 that my pending marriage is a miracle

A while back my brother used to have a Christmas party every year. Or more accurately, a keg party a few days before Christmas. His best friend had a female roommate who would come to these. She was smokin' hot. About 4 years ago she was at the party and early in the night we were flirting from across the room. Being that I’m a big pussy, I just sat there and watched guy after guy unsuccessfully hit on her. Eventually I got the balls, started talking to her and in at the end of the night offered her a ride home. I offered the ride, but let her know my car was a mile away so we had to walk there first. She was more than willing to make the journey, so I was pretty sure I was gonna score. I drove her home, one thing led to another and we were in her bed necking, kissing, and doing some heavy petting. At about 5:30am she looked at me and said, “What are you thinking right now?” A combination of tiredness, alcohol, and horniness made me foolishly blurt out what I was actually thinking, “Are your boobs real? Because you’re so skinny and they’re so big and firm.” Ten minutes later she was on her sofa reading and I was driving home.

Moral of the Story: She was a bitch.

Happy Easter

Have a good weekend everybody. Take this test, let me know how you did. My cool level was 96%..

Cool Test

Bizzaro World?

Do you guys remember that episode of Seinfeld where Elieen becomes friends with that group of guys who are exactly like Jerry, Kramer and George? Have you ever wondered if there is another group of bloggers out there just like us? Like maybe there’s someone with a blog that really loves Willy Wonka, except that girl spells her name Kate and her blogging sister is Julia? And then there is girl who’s blog is called something like the yellow shoes diaries? And maybe in that group of bloggers there’s a really spastic guy named Dominic? And a blogger who calls herself the pink dog? There’s an inconspicuous attack frog, a future ex husband, a butt chronicles, and eyeliner feminism? And then there is someone just like me who has no friends, but a huge penis.


(I apologize I don't have enought time right now to come up with a bizzaro character for everyone. Feel free to create your own.)

MORE BIZARROS

Grey the rich and tres succesful film director, Burfickle who loves the tomatoes, Alex the snorkler, brady and lady, PooPoo man and Oh Average One, The Apathy of Ally, Dylan who was born in Vegas and moved to Philly, Blog Whore, and ligerita.

***
Also, The Dry Noodle, televisiongoerjuan, and nononsense.

**


That group of bloggers would be the 2nd coolest bloggers in the world. 1st is the political bloggers, we'd be in 3rd place.

I hate the Nanny! Make sure she hears that.

Has anyone seen that commerical? I don't watch the Nanny, but might have to start. I love hatred.


UPDATE!!

This is the offical post to change your name in the comment field and say whatever you want about other people. Such as Jootastic smells.

Sometimes I steal

First I stole the Interviews from Brandyland, now I’m stealing this. She decided to play blogmatchmaker. Assuming every one of her readers were single, she decided who should hook up with each other. Now, I do the same for my readers.


CaCa and OGO – You are already perfect for each other, no change there.
UPDATED!
Lint and Tigertia – You both live in the UK, so therefore, you should reproduce.
Tigerita and Tim - Both our names start with "Ti", so does the word "titty". Coincidence, I think not.
UPDATED!
Dick and Chick – You know you want each other.
Chick and Tim - Maybe they don't want each other, but I know they both want Tim. Only Chick gets to have him.

Candi and Blog Ho – You both have screwed up minds. I don’t know why I associate with you.

Cate and Tim – I’ll be your IT geek. Forever and ever.

Pink kitty and Tim – Our babies would be the best swimmers in the world. Like my little boys already are.

Nique and Tim – Just because.

Alekx and Tim – Sometimes you scare me, and sometimes I like it.

Burfica and Tim – A lot of times you scare me, and a lot of times I like it.

Future Ex and Tim – I’d rock your world then we’d fight about how badly I rocked your world.

Ali and Tim – Our baby would be born with a beer in his hand

Jootastic and Tim – Our babies would be smelly.

MarisaHatesYou and Tim – We’d elope UPDATED! Then we'd do tiwce since we're both from Philly

Dylann and Tim – We’re both from Philly, so, basically, we were meant to be.

Every girl from the Ass Chronicles and Tim – My ass plus your asses would kick ass

Every girl from Mascara Feminism and Tim – Just because
UPDATED
Sweetlethe and Tim and JustCassa - I can't think of one of you without thinking of the other of you... in bed... with me...

To all the rest of the guys who read this blog, sorry, there’s not enough girls to match you up with.



UPDATED!!

Kayde and Tim - I used to read your blog until you went away. We need to get back in touch. No, don't touch me there. Touch me there. Yes. That's nice.

Worst Hobby Ever?

New guy in the cube across from me has a giant (I’m talking like 5 foot by 5 foot) dry erase map of the Atlantic Ocean/Florida area. He has the day by day tracking of every coastal storm of the past year. I think everyone in the office has been kind of avoiding it like the plague. Someone just broke down and asked him about it. He went into detail about how fascinating it was how some of the paths of the storms were identical and blah, blah, blah. I need to find a link that plays the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard because I’d much rather listen to that right now.

Adios Amigos

When I started this blog 5 months ago (to the day) I started it as a creative outlet. I never thought I’d like writing and trying to be creative as much as I do. In the back of my mind I knew that my main goal was to spark a creativity that would lead to me writing a book. So, I’m quitting the blog to concentrate on that. I’ll stop by every so often to check in and let you know how things are going, but my constant updates are now finished.

Thanks for reading, check ya later.

I'm Rich Bitch!

So, last night I won a free poker tournament. Sunday I got 2nd place in a tournament. So, I’ve made a total of $85 playing free poker in the past 48 hours. At this rate I’ll be a kazillionaire by the end of the month. The down side of becoming a kazillionaire is not getting home until 1am on weeknights. The downside of not getting home until 1am is being late for work the next day. The downside of being late for work is, well, nothing as far as I can tell.*


Anyone ever been to Italy or the French Rivera? If not, please do so, then come back and tell me how they were. ASAP. Thanks.



* For getting dooced purposes, I am staying late to make up the time.

Pesky MJ

A few weeks ago someone came to my site through some sort of site meter that I can’t remember what it was now. But through that site I noticed my blog was the 14th ranked blog in philly. I tried to see if any of the ones above me were any good, so I’ve been reading the Pesky’Apostrophe: Better than an unexpected period lately. It’s pretty good, check it out.

Being that I’ve never actually had a period, I’m going to have to argue that apostrophes are worse than an unexpected period. Have you ever had your last name have an apostrophe in it? Well, I have. It’s annoying. An unexpected period comes once a month at most, and apostrophes annoy me 365 days a year. My work email address has the apostrophe, yet 100% of internet forms asking for an email address don’t accept an apostrophe. If someone needs to look up my name, it’s a guarantee it’s in the system without the apostrophe if they’re looking for it with and vice versa without. Annoying!

ANYWAY, today AP posted a blog about how the court artists must be having a ball with the Michael Jackson trial and how fun it must be to draw him. Made total sense to me, so I tried to draw him. Pretty identical if you ask me.




http://img88.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img88&image=mj4wl.png

Seriously?

How am I supposed to follow the incestuous Starburst Porn? I got nothing. I hope you still love me. I hope you'll still make love to me.

Boring impcomlete thoughts (and misspelled)

I've been trying to make template changes, but blogger keeps erroring, so if link don't work, there are spelling mistakes, or if anything I write isn't entertaining, blame it on blogger.

I'm getting married 8/26. This year. Big mistake, or great decision? Either way, it will all be over in 5 months. (I'm so romantic!)

I've decided that during our first dance I'm going to shove titso aside and do the Napoleon Dynamite dance.

I saw Super Size Me on Friday, are you supposed you crave a Big Mac as much as I do after watching that?

I started watching Spring Break Shark Attack last night and I'm pissed I didn't watch the whole thing. It was riveting.

Some Clarification

OK, so I know there was a little bit of controversy here the other day. I want to set straight what I meant in my original post. The only way I could do that was by illustrating it. So, please read and I hope you understand I meant no harm. (all pics can be clicked on to enlarge)


I just found out Rosie O’Donnell has a blog.



I bet if my blog



and Rosie’s blog got married and had babies


it would produce a blog with a lazy eye or two heads or three arms.



If me, Rosie, and Chris O’Donnell had a three-way baby session,



the baby would star in a movie as an ambiguous, bad blogging sidekick to a much cooler blog.



If me, Rosie, Chris and Steve O’Donnell had a foursome, we’d produce a funny baby.



He’d be funny because he would have two wieners.



If me, Rosie, Chris, Steve and Jennifer Love Hewitt had a ménage-a-cinco, I’d TOTALLY ignore Rosie, Chris and Steve.



And me and Jennifer Love would Get. It. On.



Then Rosie's friend would show up to entertain her. We'll call her, oh I don't know.. Pammy...



And we'd all live happily ever after.

Happy Green Day!

I just had my first ever green beer. It tasted like Miller Lite. I was considering going to the gym after work today but I decided St. Patrick would punish me with liver cirrhosis or however you spell it, so I think I'll just go get really drunk instead.

I need good music

Last year my brother got married and my mom made this really nice slideshow with pictures of him and his wife growing up and put it to music. Since I'm the good son, my mom came to me for the music to put to it. Well, now I'm getting married and my mom doesn't trust my brothers enough to come up with music so she's asking me to do it for myself. Also looking for a song to dance with her to at the wedding.

So, I need some good, semi-romantic, cool music. Here's the music I used for his wedding slideshow:
Loves me like a rock – paul simon
The way you look tonight – sinatra
I would walk 500 miles - A local Irish band's version, not the Benny and Joon or whatever movie it was from's version.
My Song – Moulin Rouge soundtrack
Girlfriend – Matthew Sweet
I’m beginning to see the light – bobby darin (Swingers Soundtrack)
What a wonderful world – Louis Armstrong

I like Bobby Darin a lot and I think Beyond the Sea is going to be our wedding song. I'm really into the Garden State soundtrack, but I think all those songs border on depressing. I need good music people!!

P.S. Sorry for the non-controversial, non-penis, non-ass, non -starburst porn post.

A boy can dream...

I just found out Rosie O’Donnell has a blog. I bet if my blog and Rosie’s blog got married and had babies it would produce a blog with a lazy eye or two heads or three arms.

If me, Rosie, and Chris O’Donnell had a three-way baby session, the baby would star in a movie as an ambiguous, bad blogging sidekick to a much cooler blog.

If me, Rosie, Chris and Steve O’Donnell had a foursome, we’d produce a funny baby. He’d be funny because he would have two wieners.

If me, Rosie, Chris, Steve and Jennifer Love Hewitt had a ménage-a-cinco, I’d TOTALLY ignore Rosie, Chris and Steve.

What did the hand say to the face?

SLAP!

3 days till Charlie Murphy comes to my hometown. I have no idea if this link will work, but the Charlie Murphy True Hollywood stories are the funniest thing on television. I can't wait!

Funnier than me

I generally don't like to divert any attention away from myself, but I was just out of my chair laughing at Blog Ho. I literally had to get up and walk away because I was uncontrolable. I'm so jealous.

Kick off your sunday shoes

A while back I contemplated which movie character I would like to be if I had a choice. While Marty McFly made a strong case for himself, Jessica Simpson’s boobs won out. Today I contemplate which singer I would like to be.

Contender number one: Kenny Loggins. What do the hit movies Caddyshack, Top Gun, Footloose, and Caddyshack II* all have in common? All their theme songs were sung by none other than K. Logg. At the height of his career he was the biggest soundtrack artist in the world, and could rock the beard like none other. Chicks dig soundtrack artists**, and chicks dig beards***. He surely pulled tons of tail.

Contender number two: Prince. 22 positions in a one night stand. Need I say more? I’ve tried it. It made me sleepy. It made him sound cool as hell.

Contender number three: David Hasselhoff. Stone. Cold. God.

And the winner is: I think you saw this coming. Jessica Simpson’s boobs. Can't beat them, may as well be them.

In keeping with tradition, which singer would you be and why?


*not a hit movie
** not really
*** not that I know of

Did I say hanky panky yesterday?

I apologize.

My posts are getting shorter and shorter.

I apologize.

Riverdog Poker is gaining popularity. But I forgot the camera again.

I apologize.

I just farted.

I apologize.

Did the Irish invent time?

If not, what's up with "o'clock"?

Could you imagine the Starburst hanky panky that would take place if I had some of these?

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

a match made in heaven

Although I'm sad I've lost all my recent comments, I think haloscan and I will get along. I would appreciate it if everyone that has commented in the past 13 days could go back and recomment exactly what you said the first time. Thanks

Tim

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Dear Tim,
If you don't write something funny or interesting soon I'll dump your ass.

-Blogger

PS. You're my bitch

Dear Blogger,
Are you going to fuck with me again today? I'll dump your ass. I swear to God I will.

Tim

PS. I love you.

Worst day ever for blogger?

I think so.

First the twin towers, now this

According to published reports Russell Crowe was a target of an al-Qaida kidnapping plot. My previously unpublished side job is a spy and I'm going to reveal other plans al-Qaida hatched:

• Pamela Anderson's breast implants were going to be popped.
• That guy from Who's the Boss was going to be given a talk show (oops!)
• That show with the blind detective was going to be canceled
• Look Who's Talking Now Too was in development
• John Travolta's career was going to be sabatoged to go in the dumps then be revived with another "come back" movie
• Ashton Kucher was going to Punk Tony Blair

Need Help? I'm here for you

In 1997 I was arrested for DUI. I was at a friends party and foolishly decided I needed to go see my girlfriend and was pulled over for speeding. My blood alchohol level was .23. Yeah, I was wasted. Anyway, it’s 8 years later now and I just realized I never completed my community service. I was 5 minutes short. So I’m going to perform it here.

My community service will be to offer advice… I’ll be your Dear Abby of sort. Have you recently broken up with a boyfriend and need advice on how to cope? Ask me. Are you having trouble getting that pesky wine stain out of your underwear? Let me know, I can help. Lost a finger and can’t find it? I’ll locate it for you. Let me know what you need… I need to do 5 full minutes of work to get my license back. Thanks!

Morning Glorious

This morning I learned you can get really high by eating between 100 and 500 seeds of the flower Morning Glory. I wonder how the hell someone figured that out. Trial and error I can only assume. So, I went out to Home Depot and bought a bag of grass seed and downed about 700 of them. I'll let you know what happens later.

Weather report

Yesterday - 66°F

Today -Snow Showers 17° F


WTF?!?

can't wait!!

Two months from today I'll be flying home from Ireland where I'll be playing lots of golf , drinking lots of pints, doing no work, or thinking about other shite.

come on Tim, think of something to write dammit. Think of something. think. think. think. of something. dammit. something. of. think. something!!!! nothing.

Metrosexual vs. Heterosexual

I just had fun shopping... metro - 1, hetero - 0

at Home Depot... metro - 1, hetero - 1

for flowers and vegetables... metro - 2, hetero - 1

which I will be grilling during the summer... metro - 2, hetero - 2

then I got a hummer on the way home.* metro - 2, hetero - 3



*bold faced lie

Problem? Or maybe I just rule!

I just looked at a calander and realized in the 28 days of February I had 4 or more drinks 20 of those days. 16 of which were back to back to back to back...

That's hot

What kind of girls are dancing at this strip club that makes a guy want to do this?!?!?

Current Wedding Plans

• The reception will be held in my backyard. All 0.25 acres of it.
• BYOB
• Choice of Beef or Chicken - (McDonald's hamburger happy meal, or chicken nugget happy meal. NO cheeseburgers. NO milkshakes) Limited to the 1st 15 guests. Other guests BYOF.
• Anyone that wants to dance will have to bring their own ipod or other personal listening device.
• Flowers will be paper cut outs and will be provided by the kindergarten down the street.
• If you want to sit down at all, bring your own chair.
• We will be making our own cake. Actually, cupcakes. With no icing. Icing is too expensive.
• If you are invited, your invitation will be arriving in the mail shortly. Check your inbox. We can't afford stamps.
• You can back your truck into our driveway. That makes it easier for us to unload all the cash you'll be giving us.

5 Questions

I got this from Branshine. I don't do these blog questionaires too often, but I thought this one was cool. My questions won't be as good as her's, but I'll try.


Now, here are the rules for this Blog-a-thon. I'll offer to interview the next three (or so) people to respond to this post that will follow these rules:
1. Leave me (Tim) a comment saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions here. They will be different questions than the ones below.
3. You will update your blog/site with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

My Interview:

1.What was the last lie that you told and why did you tell it?
Four days before I asked titso to marry me we got into an argument about wanting to get married. We never fight, especially about that. She was getting upset and I lied and told her I wasn’t ready and she would have to wait until I was. I ordered the ring 3 days before that fight.
2. If you had to choose between a never being able to laugh again or never crying again which would you choose and why?
I’d never cry again. I’d have no fun on this blog, and I’d hate life if I couldn’t laugh. Plus, I never cry anyway… except to things like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
3. If you were in love with a person that contracted a deadly disease (not one you could catch though) would you want that person to tell you they were dying?
Yes, I’d want to know. I take life, and people, for granted. Knowing something like that would crush me, but it would make me enjoy my time with them, and would probably rollover to others too.
4. If we are destined to turn into our parents, which parent would you be and why.
Tough one. Both my parents are awesome. I guess I’d go with my mom. There are one or two things my dad has done in life that I wouldn’t want to do.
5. If you could change the outcome of any event in your life to date, what would you change and why?
In the beginning of my freshman year in college I was interested in two different girls (just hanging out with them). About a month into classes I hooked up with one of them on a Thursday night. The Friday night after we first hooked up the other girl dragged me home from a party and wanted to hook up. I told her I was interested in the other girl and that we had just hooked up the night before and I didn’t want to hurt anyone, so I left and went back to the party to meet up with the 1st girl. We ended up dating for 3 and a half years. If I could go back, I’d have waited and hooked up with the other girl first. I didn’t know until the spring she had such awesome hoo-ha’s.

Hello

I'm Johnny Depp. I do everything in my power to look ugly, but chicks still love me.

If I had a Million Dollars

I would buy myself two more heads. That way I'd have more brain power and would be able to post twice as many blogs.

Now, I know all you math experts are asking, "If Tim bought two more heads, he'd have three heads, so he could blog three times as much, right?" Wrong. I know that at all times one of the heads would be thinking about boobs or butts.

I was half-watching the oscars last night when Sean Penn came on and I thought to myself, "Was he even acting when he played the retarded guy in I Am Sam?"

Knock Knock

Who's there?
Satellite radio.
Satellite radio who?
I don't have a real joke here.

The only modern rock station in Philadelphia was pulled off the air to be replaced by a gospel station this morning. WHAT? THE? FUCK?

I'm going to have to get all my new music from MTV now. Oh no, wait, they only have reality tv and hip hop. In the words of the Boogie Down Productions, "Now tell me what the fuck am I supposed to do?"

I won! I got Third! :(

So, I won the inital plane survivor scenario today. I got the majority of 6 out of 12 votes for our plane. I moved onto the finals where me and six others got on the microphone and told our stories to the 90+ people in our total group. I'm not a public speaker, so that wasn't cool, but I ended up with 10 votes for a third place finish. I think I deserved 2nd. Here are the stories the top 7 came up with:

7th place lady completely stole the scene from 24 saying she had the code to avoid a nuclear meltdown. Her piracy was easily sniffed out.
6th place guy said he had 200 fish, 13 dogs, 12 cats, 4 chincillas, 8 chimpanzees, etc that would all die if he did.
5th place guy had a bad story about being a navy seal and a paratrooper and he could link all the plane seats together with the people in them and they'd all survive.
4th place guy had an elaborate story about how he was willing to take the bullet and take the parachute because he's a big chicken and it just so happened that when he bailed out of everything in his life there was never a problem, so by bailing out, everyone would end up safe.
3rd place was me*
2nd place was a fairly lame time machine inventor story
1st place was a kiss ass (and very funny) top 10 list incorporating people and functions within the company that would suffer from her demise. Everyone loves top 10 lists.

*my story:
"As some of you may have heard I just got engaged last week. So, if any of you have love in your hearts, you'll vote for me. For those of you that are heartless, I just want you to know that titso can't work the lawnmower. So, whichever of you that survive this crash, you're going to have to go to our house and mow my lawn once a week. Also, you're going to have to take out the trash, do the dishes, and as you can see, it's snowing outside right now so I expect the survivor to be at my house at around 5pm to shovel my driveway. So, in closing, if you have no love in your heart or you want to take over my chores, vote for someone else. Otherwise, Vote for Tim! Thank you."