Michael J Foxy

Today I was over at Nique’s blog and for no reason whatsoever I left a comment in the voice of Michael J Fox from Back to the Future. I thought it seemed appropriate at the time. So I got to thinking how cool it would have been to be Marty McFly in that movie. He got to travel back in time, he was a total dreamboat (according to his mom), AND he pretty much invented the skateboard. I’ve always wanted to shape a future generation.

So then I wondered to myself, if I could be any character from any movie who would it be?

As a guy my obvious first choices would be any character played by DeNiro or Nicholson. So I had to think of what their best movies were. For DeNiro, it’s Taxi Driver. I think it would be pretty cool to be on the verge of being psycho. But I don’t know about the attempted assassination/pimp killing/pedophile/taxi driving thing. So, on to Nicholson. His best movie was The Shining. It would be totally cool to be a complete psycho. But at the end of that movie he freezes to death and I’m not down with that.

Others I thought of would be Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke since he’s such a bad ass. Sylvester Stallone in Over the Top because I always wished I were better at arm wresting. Christopher Reeves in Superman for obvious reasons. Dennis Hopper in Hoosiers so I could (officially) be the town drunk. And Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite so I could have a sweet bike.

BUT, at the end of the day I think I would choose to be Jessica Simpson in the upcoming Dukes of Hazzard movie because I’d love to have a killer rack like that. (and cate, I wouldn’t care about having a “man jaw” as you like to say, since you know, I’m a man and all.)

So all still reading, who would you be?

100 things in 100 seconds

I'm going to list 100 things I like and I'm going to do it in 100 seconds... ready, go!

1. um.. I like certain foods
2. music's cool
3. some movies are good, but not all of them
4. hmm..... i like sports


dammit, I couldn't do it. Maybe next time.

Our tax dollars hard at work

New Bin Laden tape is authentic. Have they ever gotten a tape that wasn't authentic? Why do they keep having to verify this? Do they think it's just a bad episode of Crank Yankers or something?

Dooce?

I mean no disrespect, but I don't get it. It seems to me that 75% of people that link to other blogs, link to Dooce. I've gone there a handful of times and don't see the attraction. Is it a chick thing that I don't understand? Was Dooce the inventor of blogs or something? What am I missing?

worst day of work ever

Something's wrong with my internet connection. Every page takes about 5 minutes to load. What do they expect me to do all day? Work??!?

The O'Donnell Rules of weight loss

subtitle: Or how to fake weight loss to make yourself feel better

1. Get on TITSO's new scale immediately after stuffing your face after Christmas dinner (190lbs)(note: mommy and daddy santa got her the scale. Not boyfriend santa. DEFINITELY NOT boyfriend santa)
2. After two days of doing nothing, get on scale after a light lunch (185.5 lbs)
3. After going to the gym and breaking s sweat for the first time in a month, and not eating for hours, empty bowels and bladder and get on scale (181 lbs)

9 fake pound in 48 hours. Gauranteed or your money back.

I went all in and won *

So today after my brothers opened all our presents from Santa my parents announced there was one last present. I was sure it was going to be the "Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle" I've been asking for. But I was wrong. My dad said only one of me or my brothers was going to get the present this year and we would rotate it for the next two years. Hmm, a lot of interesting thoughts running through my mind... (none of which actually had anything to do with it, they were more along the lines of "did I leave the iron on?", and "I wonder how my ass looks in these pants") After a lot of fake "no, you take it this year", "nah, you can have it", we decided to play one hand of poker, all in, winner takes the gift. We delt the hand and your's truly came up the winner. My dad went and got an envelope and handed it to me. And as I open it up I read "Father-Son golf tournament in Southwest Ireland." So, the first week of May I'll be hacking up the best golf courses in Ireland! Haha!!! yeah! suckers!

*Denotes Future Posts Title used

Napoleon Dynamite

I haven't gotten so much pleasure out of a movie with so little plot since Naughty Cheerleaders 14. Although I guess it wasn't so much that Naughty Cheerleaders 14 didn't have a plot, I just kind of thought they needed to spice it up a little more. The series was taking a turn for the bad. Here's how that series went if I remember correctly:

Naughty Cheerleaders 1: Tackling the Football Team
Naughty Cheerleaders 2: Stroking the Swim Team
NC 3: Down Low with the Basketball Team
NC 4: Four Balls and Two Bats with the Baseball Team
NC 5: The Lacrosse Team Has Big Sticks
NC 6: Swinging with the Golf Team
NC 7: A Backhand from the Tennis Team
NC 8: Big Horns with the Band
NC 9: Check Your Mate with the Chess Team
NC 10: Oral Pleasures with the Debate team
NC 11: Glee with the Glee Club
NC 12: Experimenting with the Science Club
NC 13: Muy Caliente with the Spanish Club
NC 14: Reformatting the Computer Club's Hard Drive

As you see it all makes sense up until NC 14. Everyone knows computer geeks don't get chicks.

I'm obsessed with Malcolm-Jamal Warner

That's what I've decided to name my blogger pet. I can't stop clicking on him. He tells the worst jokes ever! He's great! The more I click on him, the more embarrased I get for whoever created him and wrote his jokes.

Books are the new G.I. Joe

I went shopping at lunch today and picked up Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs while waiting for TITSO to do some shopping. I asked for this for Christmas and it instantly became my most anticipated gift. I can't wait!

happy things

I want to see the blogger pet do backflips or something, so we'll see if he can tell I'm in a good mood. happy, happy, joy, joy, great, fun, super, swell, boobs, awesome, funny, neat, great, bootylicous, fantastic, fabulous, amazing. how's that beeyotch??

Blogger pet

another new sidebar addition. No clue what it does. If it doesn't do something cool in a few days, it will die a quick and very painful death.

Company Q&A

The company I work for has 30,000+ employees. Once a month a Question and Answer email is sent out including all the company policy questions people have asked. This was one from today's Q&A:

I think I have witnessed abuse of the Short Term Disability Leave (STD) policy. Does the company have any plans to decrease the percentage of pay for STD to discourage abuse of this benefit? The abuse of STD really hurts departments that have work shared among employees. It really affects the service factor numbers because workers are spread too thin and get burned out.


First of all, we really have a policy called the STD policy?? And second, there is no way this person could be serious. "pay for STD","STD really hurts", "shared among employees", "get burned out". Come on! This person totally just wanted to write those phrases in an official email.

Future Posts

When I came in this morning I did't feel like writing anything. So I thought I'd try to do that weekend alphabet thing below. I've now decided to create a list of titles of posts I will some day write. So, I've added that to my sidebar and will cross them off when I write them. My inital list is as follows:

I wish I had remembered to poke my eyes out
I went all in and lost
I went all in and won
Being a porn star can be hard. Literally
And that is how I conquered the world
Wednesdays are for lovers
How to kill a man with half of a napkin
No I will not make out with you!

At some point in my life I'm sure each of the above titles will be completely relevant to what's going on in my life and I will share that event with you when the time comes.

My weekend through the alphabet

Afternoon nap. What I took after the Eagles game.
Bloody Marys. What I started drinking at 10:30am yesterday.
Coors Light. What I drank Saturday on special.
Dad. The only person I still need to buy a Christmas present for.
Edgerrin James. Put me into my fantasy football super bowl with his touchdown.
Four Seasons. Where the Christmas party for my dad’s company was held (I’m the “computer guy”)
Guidelines and Rules of Play. The document I wrote for my new poker business.
Highlight of the weekend: Seeing the logo my brother created for the business.
Ice cold. What it was this morning.
Jumped for Joy. What I did when I found out we don’t need to drive to Virginia on Christmas.
Kevin. My brother we hung out with not in on the poker business.
Last letter I actually filled out on this list.
Miller Light. What followed the bloody marys.
Nothing. What I’ve done since I got in this morning.
One thirty two. My pathetic 5 game bowling average.
Playboy. Subscription I started receiving this weekend. (TITSO said the deal was too good to pass up!)
Quickly. How the equipment I ordered for my business better get here.
River Dogs Poker. My business’ name.
Snow. First of the year last night.
Two hours of Christmas shopping.
Underwear with 5 holes in it. What I finally threw out last night.
Vacations. What I looked for on the internet for early next year.
Wiper blade. Fell of my car because of ice this morning.
X-ray, came up negative for T.O.’s injury.
Yesterday the Eagles became the only team to ever sweep the NFC East.
Zero times I played poker.

It's Official. I'm not lazy.

Although that's debatable, I got off my lazy ass last night and talked to the owner of the bar I play softball for in the summer. I just ordered all the equipment and I will be starting my own business the first week of January. No buy in Texas Hold 'Em tournaments will be coming to a bar local to you. Or at least local to me. Upon speaking to the bar owner as the idea sunk in and the other guys at the bar overheard my pitch a quick buzz grew and the whole place agreed it's a genius idea. So, if anyone wants to start calling me genius, feel free.

My brother and I will be co-owners of the 'bizneetch'. He went to school for graphic design, so hopefully he can come up with a good logo for our yet to be named company. Coming up with a name could prove to be difficult. I'm thinking either Microsoft or General Motors. Either one of those or maybe a more poker related name like Pocket Kings (in which my brother and I will wear burger king hats and sit around playing pocket ball the whole night) , or 2-7 offsuit (with the logo being a number 2 and a number 7 wearing really bad suits), or King Jack Suited (with the King and the Jack wearing pimp suits). Suggestions are welcome.

He's got hiiighh hopes....

Last night I dreamt about skydiving again. This time, I don't know who was with me, I only remember opening my shoot a second before hitting the ground. So now today I'm forced into researching what this means. And this is what I found :

To dream that you are skydiving, represents your high ideals. Sometimes you may need to compromise these ideals and be more realistic of your expectations.

This leads me to believe one of the following:

• The Eagles will not win the Super Bowl, which will be of no surprise.
• Angelina Jolie will never fall in love with me. Impossible!
• I might not be voted the Sexiest Man Alive in 2005, but I doubt it.
• My cheese slicer/cell phone invention may never take off.
• My going to the media with my accusation that Kobe's wife was hitting on me won't go over well.
• My writing skills might never be as masterful as Hemmingway's. (Whatever!)

I must admit I will be thoroughly disappointed if any of the above don't work out as planned.

Today's the day, today's the day, hot damn today's the day.

Today I start my Christmas shopping. The only thing that will stop me is if I change my mind after work or I can't find a front row parking spot at the mall within 3 minutes.

Cookie swapccess

The stained glass cookies were good enough looking to get some "ohh"s and "ahh"s. Luickly no one tasted them during the swap. SUCKERS! My sugar high will begin shortly.

Today after lunch we're doing a "cookie swap" here at work. Organized by your's truely's own TITSO. Being that she's running it she felt the need to make 16 dozen cookies. Literally. We spent about 6 hours on Monday, then she spent about 6 more last night while I went out and played poker. (thats why I love her) "My" cookie to swap is the Stained Glass Cookies. They look really neat and sound good, but don't let the name fool you. All it tastes like is a big friggen life saver. Worst cookie ever. Everyone's gonna make fun of me. I'll be know as the guy in the office who makes bad cookies. I'll be an outcast. Stupid cookies.

A dream I had last night that might make me an unintentional stalker

I'll first tell the dream, then give my analysis:

I'm very bad at remembering full dreams. I pretty much remember them in bits and pieces. What I remember is I was in a plane skydiving. And I was skydiving with people who's blogs I read. I remember cate and dominique were there. I know there were others there too, but I can't say for sure who. Partially because I have no idea what anyone look like. Not that I know what cate looks like though (dominique has a picture or two,s o I have a basic idea of her). All I remember is flying over a city and knowing we needed to jump out of the plane asap in order to land back where I needed to be. I have no idea what city it was or why we were skydiving over a city. I remember jumping, opening the shoot and landing, then needing to go get drunk, but not much of the details of all of it.

My analysis: I was in a plane earlier that day thinking about how scared out of my mind I would be to skydive, even though I've done it before. So, thats what prompted the skydiving part. Why blogger friends were with me is probably because when I got home, TITSO wasn't home, so the first thing I did was go on my blog and catch up on a few other blogs. I pathetically missed blogging while I was gone. Why I only remember cate and dominique? Probably because 'nique is currently flying somewhere and has said she'd love to skydive. Why cate, I don't know, I guess because her blog was the first I really started to read. Why did I need to get drunk? because yesterday was my first day not drinking in 5 days. I feel like I need therapy for having a dream about blogging and people I've never met before. I know I need therapy for a laundry list of other things, I guess this is just something else to check off. If I ever decide to end it all because of my patheticness, I've decided I will do it by swallowing my cell phone. So if you ever hear of someone dying that way, think of me.

had my christmas lunch today

and I drank for about 4 hours and came back to work. So this will explain why I'm about to post my 3rd blog in the past half hour.

I'm a follower

From cate and kitty and half the blogs I read:

A) First, recommend to me:

1. a movie.

2. a book.

3. a musical artist, song, or album.

B) Ask me three questions. Ask me anything you want.

C) Go to your blog (if you have one), copy and paste this, and allow everyone to ask you anything.

Bro's without Ho's '04

Yesterday I returned from the 4th annual golfing trip with my brothers and pop. Although the weather wasn’t too good, a good time was had by all. Highlights included:

• Being presented with the question: How many O’Donnell men does it take to change a flat tire?
• Not being able to come up with an answer before road side assistance stepped in after 15 minutes. (We hadn’t yet figured out how to get the jack out of the holder, the spare tire off the bottom of the car, or the cap off the flat tire to get to the lug nuts. Yes, we are pathetic.)
• Missing our flight home and being told all remaining flights to Philly were over booked.
• Being told at 5am the next day that there were about 40 free seats on those flights.
• Going to the world worst sports bar. Fox Sports Bar in the Orlando airport. Advertised the NFL package and didn’t have it. Blared horrible Jessica Simpson and company pop music through the speakers and we were told to move our seats if we didn’t like it. (There were speakers every 3 feet)
• Sucking at golf.
• Calling my little brother Governor Jim McGreevy the whole trip.
• Making up raps about how gay each other are.
• Watching one of the greatest golfer of all time on a practice tee.
• Finding out Budweiser has an Energy Beer called “B to the E”. It’s not bad.
• Getting my brother to be my business partner. Now I just need to do the leg work, which I’m too lazy to do.

Unoriginal Bastards

This is Malaysia's flag:




Freakin copycats.

Yes, I am struggling to do work before my vacation.

1440 minutes and counting...

In 24 hours my flight will be touching down in sunny Orlando Florida for 4 days of sun, golf, drinking, gambling, strip clubs, intravenous drugs, and waking up in gutters with no pants on and missing organs. Have fun working beeotches!!!

I've seen on other people's blogs that they can see how people reached thier sites. How? Am I missing something? Or is this a feature of haloscan or something?

My blog: Reviewed

Today Keith over at Ironpants shared an article someone wrote about his blog. I know at some point my blog will get to a point of being reviewed, so I figured I'd save the reviwer some time. I simply took the review of Ironpants, changed a few words and made it my own. Future reviewer: you're welcome!


I love a funny read, so I was looking forward to reviewing a blog in the humor category. The name "Chloraphil? More like Bor-a-phil?!?" concerned me, though, as I wondered if this was another "wanna be" frustrated comedian's site full of potty humor. Chlorophil, however, is in no way shape or form, humor.

Tim is a single programmer in his late 20's who lives and works in Philadelphia, PA. The reader has several opportunities to get to know Tim. In fact, the entire blog is an insight into his personality. Readers can access the "Starburst Porn" as well as a list of "Other stuff no one cares about" with simple clicks on the Archives button, then just looking through crap since nothing is in any kind of order.

Tim loves his ass. He touches it quite frequently and is kind enough to tell everyone about it. There the reader will find themselves becoming uncomfortable and not sure if they should keep reading. I don't know if he actually likes his ass as much as he claims, but they are definitely buns I wish I had! My favorite blog entry is entitled “Go Away” posted on Nov 19th. I won't ruin the suspense for you. You should honestly just go away and not bother reading it.

I could do without the daily postings, because quite honestly they smack of boredom. This is a new "feature" for Tim and perhaps he'll drop it soon. He doesn't need to try to resort to this to be funny. Another feature I like quite a bit is Tim’s “low self-esteem.” In these posts the writer breaks down his insecurities for you with tidbits such as "am I hot?" or "Do I have a nice ass?” etc.

The blog itself is hosted on Blogger, but the template is in no way customized. The sidebar does not include links to the featured posts mentioned above, as well as the archives. I did find it a bit confusing in that the archives start at October 2004. No one really cares about what happened to Tim 2 months ago. Perhaps this was done intentionally to prevent the reader from reading his newer, even less interesting thoughts, and if so is uneccessary. The pictures in the sidebar are GREAT! I especially love the traffic pattern pictures. It's refreshing to read a blogger who is not dedicated to his penis. My only complaint is that the grammatical errors that appear sporadically throughout are a bit irritating. Tim is a programmerr afterall, he should know better.

Overall, Chloraphil is a blog that contains many posts that will help me fall asleep at night. The posts aren’t unique and the reoccuring features aren’t worth coming back for. While not any of the posts are "laugh out loud, spit milk through the nose" funny, this blog is definitely one which you should click ‘next blog’ on when you stumble across it.

Dead serious question I want answered!

This summer TITSO and I went to a B&B down the shore. There was a water tower a few blocks away from where we stayed.

Me: "Why are water towers always so high off the ground?"
TITSO: "I don't know."

A few weeks later I asked some guys I was golfing with.

Me: "Why are water towers always so high off the ground?"
Golfer guy: "Because it creates water pressure."
Me: "Oh, ok, cool"

Fast forward to 3 months later (yesterday).

Me: "Remember when we talked about water towers over the summer?"
TITSO: "Barely."
Me: "Well I heard they're so far off the ground because of water pressure."
TITSO: "So how does the water get up there? Don't they need to create pressure to get it up there in the first place? I don't see the point in that."
Me: "Dammit, you're right."

Anyone know why water towers are so high off the ground? I'd rather ask you than look it up on the internet.

P.S. Three posts in one day is a record. (Besides the starburst porn that I posted in a series since I didn't know how to put all the pictures in one post.)

Levi's

501 different people have come to this site. About 11 have left comments. To the other 490, I have one word for you: Bite Me.

Shorthand

I just wrote about a 15 page post, but deleted it because I know no one likes to read posts that are too long, so I'll summarize it for you.


Getting kneed in the nuts. Not good.
Beetlejuice. Great.
Lizards that can walk on water. Awesome
Big Buildings. Eh, OK
War and Peace. Long
Groundhogs. Overrated.
Wart Hogs. Bad ass.
The letter Q. Too dependant.


Editor's note:
Wart Hogs. Have Hulk Hogan hair.

ASSMAN

Wellkay, (<-- new word, well+okay) I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m an ass man. And by ass man, I mean, I really like my ass. Man. While the typical man sits in front of the TV in the Al Bundy pose of the hands down the front of the pants, you can probably catch me with my hands down the back of my pants at any given time. At times I actually double dip with one down the front and one in the back.

I realized this last night. I got home from the gym and was walking up to my room to grab a change of clothes and noticed I had both hands on my ass as I walked up the stairs. Then in a Sixth Sense type flashback, my life ran through my mind in a matter of seconds and I had my hands on my ass in every memory.

Later I was making my healthy dinner of French toast and found myself unconsciously smacking my ass with the spatula. I couldn’t help it.

If I ever put a real picture of myself on this site it would probably just be a close up of my ass.

Does this make me weird?

I want to start a businees, but I'd rather sleep

Last night I went to my 3rd night of poker at a bar local to my work. A group of guys bring a bunch of poker tables and chips into a bar and charge the bar $5 per man that plays. It's free to play and the bar just gives out prizes to the top players, so it's all legal. There's a million bars around here that I know would be willing to do this. It would be a nice extra few hundred dollars a day. The problem lies in having to stay at a bar till 2am everynight. Too bad I'm not still 21. Damn getting old and my comfortable ass bed!!