Friday, April 28, 2006


A few years ago I learned the hard way that ducks are one of only a handful of animals that rape. I was and always will be scarred by this incident. I thought that I'd seen the worst of ducks. Until today. Not only do ducks rape, but apparently they also kill thier own children and use them as slippers.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

I posted this on my baby blog, but I like it, so it's going here too. bitches.

There’s a lot I look forward to in being a dad. With a boy, the thing I most look forward to is having catches, playing sports and all other guy stuff that dads and sons do. With a girl I think I’ll probably be the kind of dad who has no problems having a make believe tea party with my girl and other things like that. With girls, I’m not even sure what they like because I didn’t have any sisters growing up. But, I know I’ll enjoy every minute with her.

The other big thing that I look forward to the most is watching how kid’s minds and imaginations work. Today is Take Your Child to Work Day and a 4 and a half year old boy was just being introduced to the people around me. He was introduced to me, “This is Tim. Tim’s going to be having a baby soon.” His response was, “Why? Did he eat a baby?” I can’t wait for awesome questions like that from my kid.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Sophie's Choice

Email recieved:

"The 2006 IT Diversity Council wants to showcase your ability in its upcoming

Talent Show & Art Exhibition at your site. Before we pursue this idea, we need to know how many of our fellow-employees would be interested in participating in these two events as artist and/or volunteers."

I've created so much amazing artwork over the past few months.

*** I deleted the pictures because I can't click on the links on my sidebar with cartoon nudity staring back at me. No matter how poorly it's MSPainted. ***

Monday, April 24, 2006

Porn or Children's book?

Come Sally.
Come, Come!
Oh, Sally.
Come Come!
Come Sally, Come!
Oh Sally!
See Sally go!
Go Sally, go.
Go, go, go!
Sally said, "Oh, see. See Mother go."
"Come Dick! Come, Jane! Come and go!"
Jane said, "Oh, Dick! See Sally and Tim."
"Oh, Oh, oh! See baby Sally go! Go, dick, go!"
Sally said, "oh, Mother!"
"See dick fall down. See Jane fall down."
"Funny Funny Dick and Jane."

This is the exact wording of a book we got yesterday. The only thing I added was the exclamation points. How am I supposed to read that to my kid with a straight face?

I saw dead people

This didn't post the first 13 times I tried, let me try again...

Friday Night: Watched King Kong. Proved to myself that I could never get through the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy. I can’t handle 3+ hours of action movies. And as much as I love Jack Black, he was horrible for this movie.

Saturday afternoon: Play poker. Get knocked out in the first hand.

Saturday late afternoon: Play poker again. Get 4th out of 100 people.

Saturday Night: The Body Worlds exhibit has been in Philadelphia since November. Titso has been dying to see it, yet we were too lazy to go down to check it out. This is the last weekend it’s in Philly, so the exhibit is open for 66 straight hours or something. The best tickets we could get were for midnight Saturday. So we went down. She loved it. I would have loved my bed more. If you’re not familiar with Body Worlds it’s an exhibit of dead people who donated their bodies to this exhibit. They “Plastinatize” the bodies, which basically halts decomposition. Then they strip away whatever muscles, bones, organs, arteries, or whatever they want to show specific parts of the human body. Basically you’re looking at dozens of actual dead people. It was cool at first, but I got bored at around 1:30am. If it comes to your town, I’d recommend it, but sometime before midnight.

Sunday: had the last of our real baby showers. Less than four weeks until I’m due to be a daddy. Say a pray for the future of our children who have to be raised by idiots like me.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Blogs are so over

I think we can all come to a friendly agreement that “blog” is not an attractive word. I know it makes sense in that it’s a combination of web and log, but I think it sounds more like something that comes out a baby’s diaper. “Little Timmy didn’t sleep well last night. He was crying for hours, plus he blogged all over himself.” So, obviously, a new word needs to be invented. Here’s my suggestions:

Blag: A combination of Blue and Fag. (The Euro word for cigarette you homophobe!) The word has to be pronounced with a British accent to get the full effect. I think if there were blue fags, EVERYBODY would write about them. More people would write about blue fags than blogs.

Blig: A combination of Blueberries and Pigs. Blueberry bacon. Best invention ever? I think so. Endless hours of Bligging would ensue.

Blug: A combo of Black and Bug. Kinda like a cockroach, but awesomer. You know what never dies? Cockroachs and Blugs.

Bleg: A combo of Outback Steakhouse’s Bloomin Onion, and a keg. Now picture someone hoisting your legs up for you to do a bleg stand. Could you resist writing about your experience doing a bleg stand? I think not.

Other suggestions are welcome, but they probably won't make as much sense as mine.

Thursday, April 20, 2006


I know I’m probably alienating* some of my readers, but is Middle America retarded (no offense to retards)? Ace needed to be voted off, but Kellie Pickler was by far the worst performer this week, and is by far the worst singer on the show.**

Yesterday I accidentally sent my friend an email in which I talked shit about him behind his back. We always talk trash about each other to each other’s faces, but I think the fact that I was ripping on him behind his back may cause me to lose my life the next time I see him.

I have a manager assimilation today. I basically get to talk trash about my manager for four hours and he finds out that trash was talked, but not who talked it. Unfortunately he hasn’t been my manager long enough for me to have any problems with him, so I’m reduced to making up lies. I’ll probably say he kicks puppies, uses handicap parking spots, and votes for Kellie Pickler.

*old school Popoalien

**I know the fact that I actually watch and care about American Idol makes me retarded

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

The good old days

Remember when I used to be funny? No? Well I was once. I think.

Even more of a fond memory... remember when you used to be funny? That was awesome when YOU were funny. What happened?

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

No more Brontosaurus burgers for me!

For the past five years I’ve been programming in a computer language called M. It’s basically only used for hospital and banking companies and it looks like computers looked like when they were invented in the 1400’s… well before Al Gore invented the internet. A few weeks ago I started a new position doing the same thing, with the promise that I’d get to program in Java, JSP, and other visual/graphical/windows based type languages. Today I finally got the hardware and software needed to do this and I will shortly be doing projects in these new languages. I’m so excited that I needed to take a break and blog about it. I’m finally stepping into the 21st century! Next thing you know I’ll be driving “cars”, or I’ll be watching movies on “laser disc”, or dancing like the “robot”.

Monday, April 17, 2006


Where is everybody? Why doesn't anybody blog anymore? Is it not cool anymore? Seriously.

Tim and Titso: The Bronze Medalists of Awesome Couples

The two most famous couples in the world are pregnant. We are pregnant.

Brad and Angelina recently decided to have their baby in Namibia. We recently decided to have our baby in Pennsylvania. (both end in "ia".. coincidence??)

Tom Cruise recently reached level 7 Thetan in Scientology. One time a few years ago I reached level 7 in Tetris.

Brangelina and Tomkat conceived their babies out of wedlock. We conceived our baby within 48 hours of wedlock.

Tom got Katie to become a Scientologist. Angelina got Brad to become a 3rd country world savior. Titso got me to fold the laundry. (Once I even did it without her having to ask)

Angelina adopted a bunch of kids before she even met Brad. Titso adopted a cat before she met me.

Tom Cruise is so powerful he hasn’t had a cold in years. I haven’t been sick in years (not including two weeks ago)

Tom Cruise can, and has, cured people of heroin addiction in 72 hours. I once tried to stay drunk for 72 hours. (only made it 30)

Brad Pitt dumped Jennifer Aniston to get with Angelina. I dumped Jennifer Aniston to get with Titso.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Six Sayings I'm Trying to Popularize

I came, I saw, I threw up because you’re so ugly.

Know when to say “know when”.

You’re only as funny as the mirror tells you you are.

Reading: The new chicken dance.

This is the first day of the rest of your April.

Pam Anderson stole my bike.

I think we can all agree that these saying are versatile enough to be used in just about any scenario, so please help me in my quest.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Who will get kicked off American Idol tonight?

I don’t know. I didn’t watch it. I don’t really care anymore, but every Wednesday I get about 20 people that come to my blog through a search for the title of this post. So, I guess I have to give my prediction.

It has to be Bucky, right? He’s horrible. Ace is pretty bad too though. It will probably be Ace. Definitely Bucky or Ace. Oh, or maybe Kellie. Her stupid act is annoying. Tonight Bucky, Ace, or Kellie will get kicked off. Unless people are sick of how ugly Elliot is. People were sick of how fat Mandisa is, so it will probably be Elliot this week. Definitely Bucky or Ace or Kellie or Elliot. Then of course, people might play the race card. Only one black person left on the show. Can’t let a black girl win again. Say goodbye Paris. Definitely Bucky or Ace or Kellie or Elliot or Paris. If it were up to me Taylor would go. I heard he made an ass out of himself by trying to kick his microphone stand and he missed. Maybe it’s Taylor. Definitely Bucky or Ace or Kellie or Elliot or Paris or Taylor. So, it definitely won’t be Katharine or Chris. Although people may be sick of how beautiful Katharine is. Yeah, Katharine’s gone. Definitely Bucky or Ace or Kellie or Elliot or Paris or Taylor or Katharine. Not Chris. But, Chris has become a one trick pony, hasn’t he? (I can almost hear Kellie Pickler asking “One trick Pony? What’s a one trick Pony? You have the weirdest terminology.”) Yeah, Chris can’t do anything but rock. He will get voted off. Definitely Bucky or Ace or Kellie or Elliot or Paris or Taylor or Katharine or Chris.

Mark my words. I am never wrong.

All I ask for is Kaysar, Alison and Will

According to, Big Brother this summer will be an All-Star version. It’s quite possibly the worst show on tv, and I love every second of it’s three days a week airings. Best. Summer. Ever.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Blogger comments don’t seem to be working right now, so I can write whatever I want and you can’t comment. It could be something hilarious, but no one could comment, so I’d feel not funny. So, instead, I’ll call you all a bunch of douchebags. You can’t comment, so you can’t defend yourselves. Are you a douchebag? Yes. Yes, you are. Douche!

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Last night while dealing poker I gave myself a paper cut under my fingernail. It hurts like a bitch. But not as bad as my cycling accident.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

I'm going to write about my day, but only for as long as I can hold my breath. Ready, go!

I got beeped last night, but didn’t hear it. I found out when I got in, so I’ve been working on a fix and writing a loop to correct the problems that occurred. I have bowling tonight. I can hold my breath for pretty long huh? Ughh….

Monday, April 03, 2006

Two days late

Saturday was my brother’s birthday. He’s treating himself by flying solo to Jamaica where he’ll try to mack on drunken spring breakers and get high with the locals.

Did I ever tell the story of his birth? If so, I’m telling it again. Well, my mom had two boys already and she was really hoping for a girl because she was tired of my dumb ass. This was before the days of being able to tell if it was a boy or girl through ultrasound and her doctor was well aware of the fact that she wanted a girl. So, she goes into labor, goes to the hospital, gives birth and the doctor says “It’s a girl!” My mom gets jubilant, and the doctor says “April Fools, it's a boy.”

Then he yelled, "IN YOUR FACE!", spiked the baby to the ground like a football and did the moonwalk.