Friday, December 30, 2005

Fucking Finally!

I finally fucking finished putting together all that fucking office furniture. Fuck yeah!



fucking finally:

I don't want a sad funeral

If this happens to be my last post of 2005, I don’t want your tears. When I move on to 2006 I want you to be happy. Celebrate, don’t commiserate. I don’t want people standing up and giving a sad eulogy remembering my 2005 and wishing I was still around. I want my last post of 2005 to be a party. I lived a happy 2005. I have nothing to regret in 2005. I’ll be in a better place in 2006. Don’t cry for me Argentina.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

I need your help

Can you get on this site right now?

It's blocked from my work, but for some reason I just googled starburst porn* and this came up. I'm wondering if someone stole my porn and claimed it as thier own.

* joo - I'm very touched that you've listed starburst porn as one of your interests in your profile. I can't remember if I ever saw that before.

Bore-a-phil's 2005 in review

I've been doing actual work this mornign, so I didn't think of anything to write. So, I'm stealing Heather's post idea which she stole from someone else.

The first sentence on the first post of each month of the year:

January – “Drink less *” - A new years resolution. The “*” indicated it had already been broken.

February – “As promised, last night I held a peeing contest with my cat.” - I must have been drunk when I wrote that.

March – “I'm Johnny Depp.” - Seriously, I am.

April – “Last night I went online and watched the flash cartoon that kid that just went crazy and killed all those people at his school made.” - Did I get political? No.

May – “I'm such a loser.” - I’m surprised I don’t start every post off with this sentence.

June – “Last night I had my first nightmare about my wedding.” - That post was too long to re-read. I think it had something to do with Titso getting pregnant on our wedding night. Thank God that didn’t…

July – “Titso had the first of her two wedding showers last weekend.” - Wow, I’m boring.

August – “Welp, we moved this weekend.” - Why does anyone read this crap?

September – “I'll tell you what, you do a lot of fucking walking when you go to Italy.” - Please kill me.

October – “Finally saw Wedding Crashers” - Who cares?

November – “It started slow.” - It’s ending even slower.

December – “I haven't done MSPaint in forever (2 weeks), so after reading about Conti’s desire to dunk, I thought I'd share a story and do some MSPainting.” - Redemption!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

You don't have to read this, it's boring

I read a lot. Well, not really. I read at lunch everyday because I’m antisocial. I’ve probably read about 5 bad books in a row now. I start to read them, they suck, but I usually end up finishing them in hopes of a redemption that never comes.

My mom gives out prizes at the bowling party and my prize was a book. Paul and his book club are not going to be happy with me, but it’s an Oprah book club book called A Million Little Pieces. I started reading it at lunch and I think I’m really going to like it. Thank F’ing God I finally got something that makes me want to waste even more time out of my workday.

No Xenu for you!

A few weeks ago my brother had the first baby in the family. In a remarkable coincidence, Jennifer Garner-Affleck gave birth (after a year and a half long pregnancy) on the same day. So, I started thinking that we might have a similar awesome shared birthday with Tom Cruise's fake baby. Katie and Tom announced thier implantation at right around the same time we found out Titso was knocked up. If our baby shared the same birthday as the next coming of L Ron Hubbard, then we'd surely be one of the first to join the scientologist spaceship when the planet finally explodes. But, unfortunately it looks like Katie Holmes has gone from 5 months pregnant to 13 months pregnant in the past few weeks:

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Please be on vacation this week

I need to do work. I’ve been procrastinating on a certain project of mine for a few weeks now. I was pushing it back to this week because I knew I’d have time to get it done. And I don’t feel like doing it. So, blogs are the only things that will keep me from it. So please don’t blog this week. Thank you.

My Christmas was good. The 5th annual O’D bowling party was yesterday. A cousin’s new boyfriend had both the high game and the high series. Nobody liked him. After bowling we headed back to our house where all 41 of us drank, ate, laughed, watched our wedding video, my mom dance on Ellen, and Lazy Sunday countless times. I wish I had exciting stories to tell, but I don’t.

Now, get me back to work!

Friday, December 23, 2005

Happy Christmas!

I hate the word "merry". After a 3 hour doctor's appointment at lunch, we're being let go early. Have a good one.

A storm is brewing

There’s this creepy guy I know. He’s nice, just a little weird. Doesn’t seem to have many friends. This morning Titso received and email from Creepy:

Hi Titso,

How does it feel to be pregnant?


She immediately forwarded it to me. I laughed and wished her good luck. She was nice:

Wonderful! I love it!

Not a good move if you ask me. She got an instant reply:

You look wonderful also, you are the prettiest pregnant woman I ever saw,,, don't tell anyone I told you though.

HA! Looks like I might have to give a beat down to some one moving in on my preggo wife!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Construction delays

The Great Furniture Construction of ’05 had a setback last night. We (Titso) determined that the walls of the office needed to be touched up (completely repainted) before we (I) built the furniture in there. So we (just me because pregnant women aren’t supposed to paint) had to do that last night before beginning. We (I) painted the room and then was only able to put together the sweet ass leather chair. The project is slated to rebegin tonight as soon as we (I) get home from work (after I climb on the roof to replace icicle lights that burnt out). I took a before picture and I will be sure to post my masterpieces when complete.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005


Every year around Christmas my family has a bowling party. Generally about 30 or so cousins and aunts and uncles come, bowl, argue, get drunk, have fun. It’s this Monday. Since Titso and I moved into a new house over the summer, the after party is at our house so the extended family can all check it out. The problem with this is that the house we moved into is way too big to furnish and decorate right away. So, in order to help resolve this, my parents bought us office furniture for Christmas this year. It arrived yesterday in 6-100 pound boxes. So, for the next 5 days, I’ll be trying to put together furniture. Who wants to help?

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Do these jeans make my butt look big?

They say a woman becomes more emotional when she’s pregnant for some hormones reason. I wonder if a study has ever been done to test guys out. Because I just went home for lunch and Titso had tivo’d some birthing show and I watched it and I got choked up. I think my estrogen levels are high.

It could also be because we have a current scare with the pregnancy. I’m not going into details, but if you pray, say a prayer for me, if you cross your fingers, cross your fingers for me, and if you masturbate, masturbate with thoughts of me.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda

Last night I was lying in bed and looked at the clock. It was 12:34. “Make a wish!” I said to myself. I can’t remember what I wished for but I realized something. I love my wife to death, but if I ever met Heidi Klum I totally could have married her. I was watching tv and flipped on an old episode of Who Wants to be a Millionaire. It was the supermodel edition. Heidi had brought her husband with her for support. This is what that atrocity looked like:

And, of course, we all know this is what she’s currently married to:

I could have bagged a supermodel. Dammit.

Friday, December 16, 2005


You're all a bunch of haters. IT took me hours to create (download from that template. You were all just jealous of the Hil.

Thursday, December 15, 2005


OMG!!! I've decided to make my blog an all Hilary Duff blog. OMG! I'm so excited!! I can't wait to start writing about Hilary! What do you guys think?!?!? OMG!! I'm so xcited! ALL HIL! ALL THE TIME!!!

my day of shopping

I woke up at 11am. I watched the price is right. The final showcase had a corvette. The guy bid 31K and the price was 53K. He lost. I logged on to my computer and read some blogs. I bought two things online. I have to go eat lunch. This shopping thing is exhausting.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Are two of my favorite words actually the same word?

Did you know that the word “finish” is spelled the exact same way as the word “penis” if you get rid of the “fi” in the beginning and the “h” at the end and you add a “pe”?

more on that...

So, last night I won my Tuesday night poker tournament again. I outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted 41 other people. I’ve now won 3 of the last four weeks and got 4th place the other time. It’s ridiculous. That just doesn’t happen. The general consensus was that I am the greatest (luckiest) poker play of all time. I was bought shots and drinks and I accepted them wholeheartedly. Only because today is a short day for me. I leave at 2:30 to go to the baby doctor to hear the heartbeat. Then off to the same bar I play poker at for my unofficial company party. My cool manager is taking the group (20+ of us) out. The party is not in the budget so she’s paying for it herself. So, I start drinking the hangover off in a few hours. Then I’m off for the rest of the week to shop. What a blast that is going to be.
this is an audio post - click to play

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


I just remembered what I was going to tell you on my auido post yesterday. I was going to tell you I was wearing a new pair of pants. As it turns out, it wasn't as important as I originally thought it to be.

In other news, I have to go to the bathroom.

In other news, I have been given a voice in an upper managerial decision as to whether I remain under my current manager or move to another manager. I'd have more opportunity under the new manager, but my current manager is probably the best manager I've ever had and I don't really know the new manager. I don't know what to say. I'll probably end up saying nothing and getting moved and I'll get super busy and I'll never blog again.

Straightening Things Out

I’ve come to some conclusions after posting my audioblog. First of all, all girl bloggers are hot. I can only recall hearing three girls post an audioblog and all three said absolutely nothing, but were still hot. Filan sounded hot. Mia sounded hot. And now Nique sounds hot. They’ve all posted pictures of themselves at one point or another and they are all, in fact, hot, but their voices make them hotter. So, ladies, post an audioblog and I bet you get hotter. My second observation is that all guy bloggers are not hot. The only other audioblogs I’ve hear from a guy are Conti’s. His are all hilarious, but man voice just doesn’t do it for me. My final conclusion from all this: I’m not gay.

Monday, December 12, 2005

this is an audio post - click to play


Every Monday morning I come in and want to share my exciting weekend with everybody. But, every weekend is boring. Nothing exciting ever happens in my life.

On an unrelated note: does anyone know the best way to get pee smell out of a mattress?

Thursday, December 08, 2005

My First STD

I was around 15 years old. I didn’t even know what STD stood for. I had just heard of a new band that had come out, but I thought they were STP. I was having a lot of itching and burning so I went to the doctor. He took some samples and told me I had Chlamydia. My mom cried and made a scene. How could I be so stupid? “Don’t you use protection?” she asked. “Of course I do! I can’t last 5 seconds without it.” I told her. The doctor said sometimes it’s the protection that is the problem. Sometimes the STD gets caught in your protection and makes the infection that much worse.

Yes, I had an STD. In my eye. The technical term was Chlamydial Conjunctivitis. I got it from a swimming pool. It supposedly attached to my goggles and got into my eyes. It’s like pink eye, but twice as bad.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

spreading my holiday cheer

It’s the holiday season. The time of year people change and start actually being nice. Everyone’s happier and wants to give rather than receive. I’ve decided I’m going change this year too. I’m going to be a good person. I’m going to make a list of all the things that I need change to improve my life. I think if I can verbalize everything I do that is bad, then changing them will be easier. Once I change everything on this list I will be able to say to myself, “Self, you are a good, wholesome, honest, respectful, humble, all around great guy.” This list comes from deep down. This list is everything that’s wrong with me.


the end.


I just wrote a really long post about what I did the past two days. But I think my interview post was too long of a read, so, just for you, I shortened it and did google image searches for the keywords if you want to get a better image of what I was up to.

Eagles stink... blah,blah,blah... attacked by a bear... blah, blah, blah... I was the big winner at poker again last night... blah,blah,blah... prosthetic finger... blah,blah,blah.... atomic wedgie ... blah,blah,blah... duck billed platypus ... blah,blah,blah... happily ever after. The end.

most retarded thing ever

Go try it. Which celebrity do you look like?

Apparently when I was going up:

I looked like a cross between Drew Barrymore, Anne Frank, and Sarah Michelle Gellar.


I look like a cross between Mel Bibson and Babe Ruth.

Who do you look like?

Got this from Mia.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Titso: the Interview

From Desert Boy: how do you like being called 'titso'?
Well compared to some of the other names he came up with, TITSO seemed a little nicer. Plus I know Tim is a boob guy, so Titso seemed to be his favorite.

From Laurie: is Tim really funny? Like in real life. Not through odd drawings and starburst porn
You think Tim is funny in blog world? Well, I suppose he is funny in real life – don’t think those Starburst porn were just created out of his insane imagination…where do you think he came up with ideas and positions?!?

From Julia: What are you doing with a loser like Tim? You deserve better
Timmy may be a loser, but he’s my loser. Plus he’s HOT and great in bed! Not to mention smart, sexy and funny… what more could a woman ask for?

From tinapopo: Do you feel that Tim needs to take some kind of human development class, in order to help him understand that his SuperSperm stopped being sperm fairly soon after conception ?
Tim is still a little confused on the whole pregnancy topic – I think he’s so amazed that his sperm could actually impregnate me, and so fast! But you gals need to keep reminding him that once the sperm meets the egg it becomes a fetus. Just like when a man and woman marry, there is no more being “single”, it is two becoming one. Now the supersperm has created a super-fetus, so I think he needs to change the name of that site.

From Lulu: Tim tells us that he is a very lovely, considerate husband. Tell us a time when he pissed you off. (For the record, the only claim in that statement I’ve ever made was that I’m a husband. Lovely and considerate never have left my mouth.)
A time, just one time, that he pissed me off? Wow, I could write a book! No, really he normally is a very lovey, considerate husband… except for when he gets on a poker rampage and must play at different bars several nights a week (or sometimes in one day) until he feels he has played his best. Or when he comes home drunk – that is a big NO-NO in our house… never drive drunk! I was almost killed by a drunk driver!

From Melissa: So, honestly, is he good in the sack?
Umm..I think that is a little private… what do you think? Of course, do you think I’d marry him if he wasn’t?

From Mike: I'd like for Titso to describe her nipples in her own words.
Umm… Tim can describe them best – go ahead… (ok, shiny and Diamond encrusted. )

From Just: who is your favourite author, apart from Tim?
James Patterson. But Tim writes some damn good stories himself!

From Armaedes: How do you keep it so gangsta fresh?
Deodorant and baby powder.

From Min: Do like Starbursts? Dammit. I meant, "Do YOU like Starbursts?"
To eat? Yes I love starbursts.. but as soon as they come in to our house, Tim is busy transforming them in to little Starburst porn!

From Kayde: hey titso, you ever consider doing girl on girl? err, i mean... shit.
If I did, I wouldn’t be pregnant now… so no, sorry, I’m all about boys.

From Funny Bone:
Have you ever been tempted to imitate some of the more difficult maneuvers Tim has so skillfully sculpted out of Starburst?
Like I answered Laurie – how do you think Tim got the ideas for the Starburst porn – he likes to relive it all by making starburst porn and blogging about it!

If you were given the choice of sleeping with me for one night or spending the rest of your life shacked up with Tim, do you think he'd remember you?
I’d have to say, I’d chose Tim over anyone…especially now that he’s my baby’s daddy!

I once had a pet iguana that ran you know where he is?
No, but ya know what – I once had a hampster that got out of it’s cage and disappeared one day, do you know where she is? Her name is Caramel if you see her. Maybe your iguana ate her.

What's the square root of pi-hole?
Dumb question

The doctor just informed you that you have crabs. Butter or coctail sauce?
This must be what he would be saying after my one night with you?

From Wendi: do you read other blogs? why don’t you have your own?
Unfortunately I’m not a blogger… I actually work a pretty busy job, whereas Tim uses his time at work to blog! I work on a computer all day, so it’s the last thing I want to sit in front of when I get home.

From ambs77:
What should I name my new puppy?
Sorry I’m not too good with names… I can’t even decide what I want to name the baby if it’s a boy!

What are 2 things you absolutely love about Tim?
His sense of humor, his body, his cuddling, his massages, his cooking… oh wait, you only wanted two..

What are 2 things you could live without that Tim does?
I could live without him playing poker. He’s a poker nut, he’d play everynight if he was single. I could also live without his farts, his stinky farts. An ex-girlfriend made him a ceramic bowl that said “stinky” on it, obviously I’m not the only one who noticed it! (for the record: I wrote "I stink" on it because I sucked at painting it)

Have you ever danced with Momma OD?
Many a times… she’s a great dancer – also very entertaining to watch! You should see her on our wedding video!

What is one thing the internet doesn't know about Tim that you would just love to tell us?
Hmm, that’s tough, he reveals a lot about himself. I would guess you all probably don’t know that he really is a fantastic husband. He helps with chores all the time, does laundry, cooks, cleans, even scrubs the bathroom. He is an all-around great guy!

How are you feeling so far in your pregnancy? Is Tim being a good prego dad?
I’m feeling good these days….the first trimester was tough. But Tim was very supportive – he figured if he helped me by cooking and getting me to bed, he could sneak out and play poker at night! I think he is actually a little more excited than I even am about the baby, which is an awesome thing b/c many guys get scared at just the thought…so yes, he’s been a great prego dad.

From Libby:
What were you thinking?
Thinking? Who was thinking? Do you think if I thought about a baby that I would be pregnant right now? But I can say that this is the happiest Tim and I have ever been. We love being married and look forward to this baby with great excitement (and a lot of fear).

Okay, that was maybe a little rude.

How about this one:

How drunk were you for all those months/years? (no answer)

No, no... that's not right either...

When Tim does his naked dance for you, do you laugh with him or at him?
Naked dance – he told you about the naked dance? Wow I’m embarrassed. He actually has several versions… the sexy one with the “David” boxers that he strips off… then the “hiccup” one that he does naked jumping jacks to cure the hiccups… then if that doesn’t work he does naked head-stands. You should peak in our window one night when he’s got the hiccups, man it’s hilarious!

From Alekx::
Are Tim's nipples as sensitive as the rest of him?
You think Tim is sensitive? He may be a little emotional every now and then, but I wouldn’t say he’s sensitive.

From Julie:
Are you going to name your first child Julie?
No, sorry Julie… we’ve picked out a girls name already, just trying to decide on a boy one too.

From w0d:
do you do anal?
Um, no…

From conti:

When we meet, can we hang for an hour? Yes No Circle one.

Maybe, whats it worth to ya?

From HappyKap:
Titso - Do you know how I can renew my passport?

I just got my passport to go to Italy for my honeymoon this summer, so unfortunately I don’t know how to renew it… but if you find out, let me know b/c I’ll need to do it in 10 years.


Tonight I get to go to another Monday Night Eagles game. Which would be cool if they didn’t suck. And it wasn’t going to snow. And I didn’t have to drive home the normally hour and a half ride, which is sure to be 3 hours in the snow.

BUT, I took off tomorrow to sleep in and, well, sleep in.


If you don’t watch it, here’s something that I just found out that will surely hook you and get you equally as pissed as I am that it was cancelled: The show is written by the same person who wrote The Golden Girls. Comic. Genius.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Uncle Tim

Last night I went to see my first niece in the hospital. (Jamisen (Jamie) Marie), 9lbs 2 oz.). I’ve never been a huge fan of holding babies. All of my friends have babies and I’ve probably held them all once. Except the one who’s getting older and can actually play with me. Newborns just weren’t my cup of tea.

Last night when I held my niece I actually felt like it meant something. I know that I will be in this baby’s life for as long as I live. We were there for an hour and a half and she only cried for about 2 minutes when her blanket fell off her and she needed to be covered up again. Her eyes were following the sounds of people’s voices when they talked and she was trying to stay awake while all those people were around. She was really cute. I got really excited to have my own. Six months seems too long to wait now. I’ll probably be singing a different tune in seven months when I’m only sleeping two hours a night, but man, right now, I can’t wait to be a dad.


Did you all see Oprah on Letterman last night?!!? Yeah, neither did I because who really gives a shit?

Thursday, December 01, 2005

I'm a broken drunk

I haven't done MSPaint in forever (2 weeks), so after reading about Conti's desire to dunk, I thought I'd share a story and do some MSPainting.

I was a problem child. I first got drunk in 8th grade. I first got caught drinking a few weeks later. I was horrible at it.

It was the end of my junior year in high school and I was grounded for the 7th time for getting caught drinking. I was allowed to go play basketball everyday after school with my friends, I just couldn’t go out at night. I played basketball everyday of my life from 8th grade until my senior year. Swimming was my true talent, but basketball was my true love.

There was a court near my house that had one regulation-sized hoop, and the other end had a hoop that was 6 inches low. Early in high school my friends and I would go there and try to dunk on the short rim. I was the shortest, and last to be able to do it. We would go and try every single day, then go home and do calf raises and other exercises to help in our goal. I was the last to be able to dunk on the low rim, but the first to be able to dunk on the regulation sized rim.

So, my 7th grounding ended and my first night out we went to play basketball. For the most part the games were me and my friends and a whole bunch of big ass black dudes. If we took team photos (and wore uniforms) this is what they would look like:

The short rimed side was people constantly trying to dunk, while the regulation side was normal b-ball. The regulation side almost never saw dunks except from the rare playground superstar (such as Cuttino Mobley who used to play at the court before he made the NBA). On my first night out I was especially hyped up and I was having a very good jumping night. In warm-ups I was dunking on the regulation rim without a problem. Shortly into the first game I was playing, I stole the ball and had a breakaway all by myself. I was in perfect position and went for the dunk. In a bizarre occurrence, I actually jumped too high and hit my wrist on the rim oddly and threw myself off balance.

I landed on my ass, breaking my fall with my wrist, and in turn I broke my wrist.

I went to the hospital to get it fixed where no orthopedic surgeon was on duty. My dad got pissed at the hospital for being short staffed, so he brought me home. Where I sat with a broken wrist for 3 days until my dad could find the best doctor who wasn’t affiliated with that hospital to fix it.

I had a full arm cast that whole summer. I learned to do everything left-handed. I continued to play basketball in 95 degree heat with a full arm cast. I improved my left-handed dribbling and I had the smelliest cast of all time. My full arm cast was eventually shortened to a forearm length cast, which was eventually removed.

My first night cast-free I was so excited. I went out and got drunk. And got caught for the 8th and final time. And was grounded for the rest of the summer. I quit drinking my entire senior year. I also still wipe my ass with my left hand.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005


"All IT Employees:
As we enter the last weeks of the year, we would like all IT staff to enjoy a bit of holiday cheer. Between now and 12/31/05, all staff may dress casually for work. Please be sensitive and dress appropriately for meetings you may have with external customers or with other visitors coming into the building. As always, please use good judgment in appropriate attire for the workplace."

Time to break out the manthongs!!

I'm not a dad, not yet an uncle

My brother and his wife just left the house for her to be induced. So, I’m going to be an uncle today. Or tomorrow if it doesn’t go too well. While I’m happy about all that, what I’m really hoping for is a long, drawn out labor that goes into tomorrow. While this points to me being a cruel brother in law, the real reason: I’m anti social.

Sunday morning our next-door neighbor knocked on our door and invited Titso and I over for some coffee. We were barely awake or dressed so we took down their number. Titso called and arranged for us to get together tomorrow night. Titso is friendly and can, and will, talk to anyone. Me, not so much. The neighbors seem like very nice and friendly people, but I don’t get along with new people. Especially people that seem to be my polar opposite. I like football, he likes salsa dancing. That right there is enough to make me fake sick. I’m fairly certain we have zero in common and I’m dreading it. He probably doesn’t even like boobs.

So, here’s to hoping for a 24 hour labor that will mean I have to go visit them tomorrow after work and cancel our neighborly play date.


Thank you all for your great (and not so great) questions. I will try to get some answers out of Titso, but everyday she does this bizarre thing called "work". I'll do my best to pull her away and get some goddamn answers. I deserve answers!!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Bored, and uncreative

I'm thinking about interviewing Titso for a blog post. Anyone got any questions for her?

Monday, November 28, 2005

Weekend Recrap

-Had Thanksgiving dinner with the Dancing Queen and the rest of my family.

-Worked Friday. Left a little early. Went to play poker. Got 4th place out of 90 people. 4th place is 1st loser in free bar poker.

-Went 24 straight hours without eating. I just wasn’t hungry.

-Hung Christmas lights. New house is much bigger than old house, so we ran out of lights. Need to get more. Looks retarded right now.

-Went to Titso’s 10 year reunion. Drank both our money’s worth. Got my nice Banana Republic jacket stolen.

-Went to and FINALLY saw the Eagles win a freakin game.

-Gained 3 pounds over the long weekend even with my 1 day food ban.


Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Dreams do come true

My mom loves to dance. It was well documented by our wedding photographer a few months ago. I put together a little collage to express to you just how deep her love runs.

Today, on national television, her dream of dancing with Ellen was fufilled. I wish I had it on my PC, but I had to settle with pausing tivo and taking a picture with my camera. Yes, here is my mom grinding with Ellen.

Tony Danza

How does he have a talk show? Seriously. It's horrendous.

P.S. Right now on Maury: "I'm back for the 9th time... I hope I find the dad today!"

My faith in good talk shows is restored.

Poke Her

40 people, I am one of them, playing poker. Guess who wins? Me bitches! me! $100 for a 0$ buy in! YEAH! I is drunk.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

email just received!

"Due to the unexpected maintenance that must be done to the building on Wednesday, 11/23, any developers can choose to work from home."

I friggen love working from home. Usually I just sit around in my underwear eating cheetos. Tomorrow I may not even wear my underwear.

Two daytime talk show posts in one day

My mom looooooves Ellen. I bet if my mom ever goes gay, she’ll go after Ellen. And I’m fairly certain it’s because Ellen dances on her show everyday. My mom loves Ellen so much that she got tickets to go see her. She’s there right now. I think she said they film from 10:30-11:30. So she’s probably rocking out to Bon Jovi right at this very moment. And I bet she jumped on stage to get her freak on with Ellen.*

* I don’t have many pictures of my mom on my PC, so I thought I’d do her justice with a 25 year old picture of her with sweet 70’s hair.

I can't believe I'm writing a post about Oprah

So, who else watched Oprah’s Favorite Things yesterday? I wish I didn’t. If I were in that crowd I’d have rioted and maimed Oprah. Then I’d have gone after Dr. Phil. Last year’s guests all got a new car. This year’s guests get a stinkin laptop. I think there’s a slight $20,000 difference here Oprah! Last year’s guests simply needed new cars. This years guests helped in a national disater. Last year’s guests: free blowjobs. This year’s guests: handjobs with no lube. Fuckin Oprah.

Here's a real picture of someone from the show, reacting to the bullshit Oprah pulled.

"popcorn? uggs? Oatmeal cookies? Where's my car bitch?!?"

Monday, November 21, 2005


Am I the only loser who has to work on Friday?


I was reading this blog this morning. Armaedes talks about how no matter what he seems to do, his girlfriend doesn’t think they spend enough “quality time” together. Which got me thinking about how lucky I am to be married to Titso.

Titso’s been having sinus sicknesses for the past week and went out shopping yesterday while I painfully watched the Eagles suck. She got home and was practically dead as she climbed into bed. I waited until halftime then went and got into bed with her. Asked her if she needed anything, rubbed her arms and head for about 3 minutes, then asked her if she minded if I went to a bar to play poker. She told me to go. So I left her home alone and sick. After poker I picked up a humidifier, and dinner. I made soup and grilled cheeses for dinner. I cleaned up all by myself too. I’m like the best boyfriend/husband ever! She was still thanking me this morning for taking care of her.

So, in conclusion, my wife thanked me for going to play poker while she was home sick.


She's home sick today. I just realized she
has been totally faking sickness for the past week just so she could stay home today and watch Oprah's Favorite Things.

Friday, November 18, 2005


It hasn’t been a good week. I think the Eagles game Monday night kinda depressed me. I haven’t written anything good all week. Lately when I can’t think of anything funny to write, I try to make up for it by drawing a stupid picture, or taking a stupid picture of myself. So, today is going to be different. No pictures. After this post.

One thing I’ve always said helped keep relationships fresh was slight changes of appearance. I think one of the biggest things girls can do is to change up their hairstyles. I haven’t changed my hairstyle in about 8 years, but I’ve kept my relationships fresh by doing other things such as wearing an eye patch, getting my teeth gold capped, botox, and shaving my eyebrows.

About once or twice a year I’ll grow a goatee. Do you guys think I look better with a goatee?

Or without?

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Actual real stuff

Nothing fluffy to write today, so I'll just say that titso had an ultrasound and blood test on Monday and everything came out good and the chance of downs syndrome is less than 1 in 1700, trisomy 18 is less than 1 in 10,000. Woohoo! (My super sperm did a Q&A on his blog today if anybody cares.)

Nothing left in my brain

I get angry at myself when I have nothing to right.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

You're Alright

You're all right. I don't need to be a professional artist to draw pics of hot naked chicks. I can do it now! And you were right about me being greedy and not showing you the seductive looks I practice while sitting on the toilet. So, I combined the two pictures, and here's me practicing my seductive looks (check out the wink!), while I also have the body of a naked chick.

and here it is

and it's going to be down a little further

because I don't want it to show on my screen when I load my blog page at work


If I were an artist I would just draw pictures of naked chicks 24/7.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

who does number two work for, honey baby?

I like the stalls here at work. When I’m sitting down, the giant black toilet paper dispenser is at eye level. So, while I’m doing my business I can work on making funny faces in the reflection of it. I can also work on my seductive looks while shitting.

I’d take a picture, but you know, that whole I’ll get divorced for sending myself 6000 pictures of myself this month is coming into play.

It also puts the toothpaste in the basket

Every morning I drink one cup of coffee then brush my teeth. I don’t even actually like coffee, but I drink it to be cool. Like with that one cigarette I had in high school. As soon I half-finish my coffee (I only ever drink half of it), I brush my teeth. About a week ago I noticed the toothpaste I use everyday expired in October 04. Why are all the personal hygiene products I have on my desk 3 or more years old? How does toothpaste expire? How do I still have ¼ of a tank of toothpaste that’s been expired for over a year? Do I care? Not one bit.


In the 51 game time seconds it took me to walk from my seat in the end zone to my car, the Eagles season ended. Fuck.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Tim Donates blood

Well, I tried to give blood this morning. Since I was in Punta Cana this year, I’m not allowed to give. But they give us a free lunch anyway! I used to donate blood on a regular basis up until about two years ago. I finally got over my traumatic experience, but I’ll have to wait until March to give now. My traumatic experience?

I laid down on the table to prepare for the needle.

If at first you don’t find the vein, try, try again!

Finally, the vein was found and the blood was flowing.

And then… lala land.

In truth, I didn’t actually pass out, but I was in so much pain I couldn’t lift my arm for about two weeks and swore off ever giving blood again. Now, I’m finally over that, but the malaria infested Punta Canan mosquitoes won’t allow it.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Titso's anniversary!

Out of boredom and nothing else to write, I decided to take a gander and see what I was up to exactly a year ago today. It was today, last year, that I came up with TITSO! (Tim’s Insanely Terrific Special One). That was one of my proudest posts ever! Yah! Titso rules!

Down, but not out

When I sat down to my computer this morning I said to myself, “Self, you, my friend, are going to be funny today.” Then I started doing actual work, then I had actual meetings in which I had to pay attention. And my day has been ruined. Work ruins everything.

But, I am proud to say that in the past 24 hours, two separate people have found my blog through a search for “How to darken nipples”. I know my writing is quality when I give the people what they need.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

A bunch nipply

Did ya’ll hear the guy locked in the basement on Desperate Houswives was fired? The reasoning was “improper conduct”. But, they don’t say what he did. I bet he blogged about how he shagged Eva Longoria. Or maybe he said Desperate Housewives would be undefeated if Brett Farve was the quarterback. Anyway, my main reason for posting this is I wanted to point out how Eva Longoria’s boyfriend, Tony Parker, has like 9 nipples.

Just like when Stormtroopers used to shoot at me

Every Wednesday I work my side job of dealing poker. I got home last night around 11:30 and watched Lost. I was all creeped out when I went down into my basement to hop on my computer afterwards. When I went to sit down I heard a deafing bang/clanging noise from inside the house. I knew the cat and the wife were asleep, so I grabbed the largest, bluntest object I could find to go explore and protect my home. Armed with a CD (yeah, there’s not much in my basement) and a fear of The Others, I turned every corner in the house with one fist clinched and my throat slicing cd in the other hand. Every corner I turned I found nobody, and nothing on any floors. I was still whimpering a little when I finally found a few boards and metal rods had fallen in the storage room in our basement. But the whole situation reminded me of when I was about 9 years old.

My old house also had a finished basement where we had a pool table, ping pong table and a tv. I’d hang out down there at night before having to go to bed. Our basement was set up weird in that the light switch was at the bottom of the stairs. So, you had to walk up and down the stairs in the dark. Every night before I’d go to bed I’d get into a runner’s position, flip the switch and run like the wind up the stairs. For some reason I always thought that as soon as I turned off the lights Stormtroopers would appear in my basement and attempt to kill me. I was such a douchebag.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Groundhog Day

I hate to keep saying this over and over, but I look good again. I'm Feeling good too... and nice! Instead of yelling at people today, I decided to make some calls and have some laughs.

Sometimes managers give raises based on your ability to make people laugh!

So, I laughed and laughed and laughed some more!

and what was I laughing at?

My blog of course!

Let the raises cometh my way!

P.S. I have no picture sending plan for my cell phone. titso is gonna divorce me when our cell phone bill is $400 because I keep sending pictures to myself.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Outside T.O.'s house

I'm sitting here watching a T.O. press conference online. T.O's apologizing, while his dickface agent acts like a dick. As a complete die hard Eagles fan this feels like an ex girlfriend apologizing while her new boyfriend is standing next to her. She says "I'm sorry for cheating, I still love you." While her boyfriend yells, "You did this to her! Fuck you!"

GOD!!!!! I can't stand Rosenhaus. I want to cry. I want to puke.

I will not tell a lie

Do you want some guy reaching around in the middle of the night and grabbing your junk?

When Titso and I found out she was knocked up we panicked for a few mintues. “Oh my God, what do we do?” “Our lives are over.” “I need a beer.” Looking back, I think we’re both a little ashamed of our initial reactions, and looking forward we’re so lucky I can’t put it in to words because….

One of my friends had baby about 4 months ago. His girlfriend and him were going to get married before they found out she was preggo, so they pushed the wedding back until after the kid was born. They’re supposed to get married next October. But, they just found out she’s pregnant again. They found out about 4 weeks ago that she’s already expecting. Twins. Friday she went to hear the heartbeats and they couldn’t find one. So, they sent her in for an ultrasound. They didn’t find two heartbeats. They found three. They’re going to have FOUR kids under the age of one. I’d rather die.

Monday, November 07, 2005


I got my haircut this weekend. I look good! G-O-D GOOD! Whenever I get a haircut I always feel good looking for a few days. Then after my hair starts to grow longer I start to realize it’s not my hair that makes me look good. I‘m simply good looking. All. The. Time.

I was feeling so confident today I decided to make some calls and yell at people.


when my word verification is too long, I just hit pulish to get a new word. Sometimes it takes two or three times before I get a short word.

That is all for now.

My weekend summed up

Friday, November 04, 2005

No place like home

Titso's sister is visiting for the weekend. They're watching an Ashton Kutcher movie, so I'm playing poker (2nd tonight) and blogging. I was just going through everyone's blogs and thinking to myself that I don't think I could have ever stumbled across a more funny and cool ciricle of bloggers. But, if I did, I'd desert you all in a heartbeat.

This probably only happens to me and I'll feel stupid. But...

I smell the dentist right now. When I go for my biannual cleaning (and i do!) they tell me I need to rinse with fluoride afterwards. They give me my choices: spearmint, peppermint, cinnamon, or bubble gum? The choice is obvious every time. Bubble gum. And every time, as soon as the fluoride hits my mouth, I remember how bad I hate that shit. It tastes like acid laced hubba bubba. Then I’m stuck swooshing that crap around for 60 seconds while the dental assistant looks at her watch. I smell bubble gum flavored fluoride right now. I want to puke.


After my good friend google informed me that 75% of women get or have had a yeast infection, I figured it was ok to post this. Titso has been getting reoccurring yeast infections. As soon as one goes away she gets another one. She can’t take pills to get rid of them because she’s pregnant. Her doctor told her that in cases like hers, often it’s the male who has the yeast infection who is giving it to the female. Male yeast infections are asymptomatic, so if I had one, I’d never know. I have a doctor’s appointment today to get checked out. Every time I think about my penis I feel like I have a loaf of bread baking in my pants.

Thursday, November 03, 2005


The K-Fed rap sounds really really really bad. I can't wait to hear it.

"People always asking me when's the release date / Well, baby you can wait and see, until then all these Pavarottis followin' me"

"My prediction is that y'all gonna hate on the style we create, straight 2008."
One stupid post? Is that all you’re going to write today?

Feelin sexy!

Titso comes home from her week long trip tonight! You know what that means!! I'll finally have clean underwear tomorrow!

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Weird for $100

When you named your child did you think of everyone you know that has that name and think of what that person is like? We’re trying to come up with a name for our child prodigy and when we think of a name we say “Yeah, but what about your weird cousin who has the same name? We don’t want our kid to be like that.” As if our kid will be weird just because someone else in the world with the same name is weird. Am I weird? Ain’t it weird how many times I said weird in the post? Weird!

One step forward, two steps back

There was a point in time when everything electronic was my responsibility. If the power went out, it was up to me to reset the clock in the microwave. My parents couldn’t program a vcr, reboot a computer, hook up a dvd player, or change a light bulb. It was always “Wait till Timmy’s home.” Technology has ruined my technological abilities. In particular, Tivo has ruined my technological abilities. Yesterday I went home for lunch to set up a vcr to tape The Office because Tivo was taping the Amazing Race and I knew I wouldn’t be home. I don’t even really like the Amazing Race this year, so I don’t know why I tivo it when I friggen love The Office. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking when I tried to program the vcr to tape The Office, but all I got was about 10 minutes of My Name is Earl. I’m retarded and I hate myself.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

The Heat of the Moment

It started slow. I took my time and enjoyed it. I paid attention to detail. Appreciated everything that was going on around me. I showed respect. Things started moving quicker. Faster. Faster. I was fully consumed. The grabbing. The screaming. And then I ran out of candy. I turned out the lights and ran. Hundreds of kids still roaming the neighborhood begging for more candy. I went to a bar and played poker.

Monday, October 31, 2005

The Ghost of Halloween Past

I was probably 4 years old this Halloween. My brother got to be bad ass Fonzi. I don’t know what the hell I was, but it certainly looks like I was a battered housewife.

I'm a hot chick

Saturday, October 29, 2005


I lined my drawers! (in the clean sense joo!) I drank beers. I watched the last 4 episodes of season 1 of AD. I drank beer. Lots of it. I lit a fire. I played online poker. Two games at the same time. I won them both! I F'ing rule!

Friday, October 28, 2005

I'm so old

Titso’s in Atlanta for a week. My plan for tonight: Go home. Crack a beer. Put drawer liners in my new bedroom furniture. Finally put away all my clothes into new dresser! Crack a beer. Make a fire. Crack a beer. Watch Arrested Development. Crack a beer. Watch more. Drink more. Pass out. Sleep till noon. I can’t friggen wait!

Thursday, October 27, 2005


As I was sitting in a meeting this morning, thinking about what to write about, I thought maybe I’d write a compilation of all the girls I’ve slept with and something about what happened with them. But then I thought that would be boring. Then I decided I didn’t care if it was boring. Then I decided not to write it because that list is like 9000 girls long. Uh huh, it is. Give or take about 8985.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Provokeless in Philly

I’ve been trying to come up with a humorous thought provoking post all day. I couldn’t do it. I think I lost my sense of humor. Or maybe you did? What if none of us could laugh anymore? What if all the Canadians stole our laughing ability? What if those cars at circuses with all the clowns in them weren’t funny anymore? Would we still go to the circus? What if I couldn’t make you laugh anymore? What if I never made you laugh before? What if you just pretended you never read this? Do you need me to give you a Forget Me Now? Otherwise known as a roofie?

Thought Provoking Title

What if I wrote something really thought provoking here. What if whatever I wrote made you take a step back and say, “Wow, Tim’s really on to something here. Tim is so deep.” What if I wrote something that changed your life. What if you read whatever was here and you said, “Wow, what Tim wrote right here has just changed my life. For the better.” Or, “Tim’s thought provoking post really provoked my thoughts.” Yeah, what if that happened. What if I didn’t write this. What if I wrote something else.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

It puts the lotion in the basket

The wastebasket. I’ve had this tube of hand lotion on my desk for, oh I don’t know, 5 years. I just used it for the 1st time and it kinda itches and burns. Does lotion go bad?

45 Things

About you.

1. Cate’s hair was blue for her brothers wedding last weekend
2. Jootatic’s boyfriend loves Tapered Pants
3. Pink Kitty’s boyfriend is in a band.
4. Trish is having a tough time selling her house
5. Martin’s mouth is exploding
6. I’m pretty sure Lint failed in his quest to take a picture drinking a pint in every pub in York.
7. Burfica’s sick. Or at least she was. (Physically)
8. Alekx barely blogs anymore
9. Giselle’s getting hitched. It won’t work. At least that’s what she’s told.
10. Sometimes I wonder if Madison isn’t the dog he usually makes himself out to be.
11. Chick has the best quality HNT pictures on the market. And I knew her before she became a star. Well, I didn’t know her, but well, read her.
12. Paul hates Jesus
13. Angie’s in love. Maybe?
14. It seems like every post she has the days, OGO, apologizes for being out of whack. Don’t apologize.
15. Ho loves Mexicans. But not the gay ones.
16. Chris wrote a script which is being made into a kick ass film
17. QOP is getting tons of booty lately
18. Amy claims Vermont is a real state
19. I think Steph likes tequila
20. I don’t know how Filan is still single
21. Melissa’s boobs are growing while her waist is shrinking
22. Min’s back!
23. Libby’s husband’s back from Iraq!
24. Jake was on mtv’s road rules
25. Marisa’s Married. Ha!
26. Popfizz loves pron as much as me.
27. Conti likes the Astros. So, he can’t be too happy right now.
28. Funqi never blogs anymore either
29. Nor does Cindy
30. Candi looves military men
31. Sean acts gay for his girlfriend
32. Britni’s not shy
33. Cindy-Lou’s son looks like the man
34. Julia’s apparently not very good at poker
35. 30Something cleans up business nice, but Halloween brings out the real her.
36. Heather’s a Falcons fan. Boooo!
37. HappyKap runs. A lot. And it shows. She’s got a hot bod.
38. Tina kinda likes Laguna Beach
39. RitMeyer is 5 days smoke-free. I hope.
40. Lulu is one of only a handful of readers that has emailed me out of the blue. She’s cool. And funny.
41. I think Wendi likes sangria.
42. I bet Samantha’s hot
43. Kayde hasn’t updated her blog in months
44. Neil’s the newest of my daily blogs to read
45. monkey got some and gave some

Monday, October 24, 2005

Note to self:

When I rob my first bank, do not take pictures of myself with all the money.

Fix Your haloscan!

To fix your haloscan commenting... sign into your haloscan account go to SETTINGS, then to BETA FEATURES go to where is says ENABLE REDIRECT turn this off so that it says NO, hit SAVE CHANGES! Tada you shall now have commenting once again! And worship her cause she is wonderful.


Do you all remember the Great Haloscan Migration of '05? Blogger comments sucked so everyone got haloscan. Well, haloscan now sucks. Is it possible to unmigrate?
I’m feeling very uncreative today. I can’t even come up with a name for my unborn child. Titso doesn’t like calling it “it”, so she tasked me with coming up with something to call it. I can’t come up with a damn thing. I hate days like this. The only thing I could think of so far has been IHOP (Italian Honeymoon Odonnell Pregnancy). But, I don’t think naming it after a pancake shop is the best idea I’ve ever had.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Weekend by the Numbers

48 - hours spent in the hospital
1- bladder exploded

Who would have thought my plan would backfire like that??

Friday, October 21, 2005


In honor of RitMeyer quitting smoking today, I’ve decided to give up something I previously did to excess. I’m giving up urination. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m urinating 4,5,6 times a day. Assuming each incident takes 1-2 minutes, I could save about 10 minutes a day. While that may not sound like much, if you add that up for an entire year, I will be adding 60 hours and 50 minutes to my year by cutting out urination. I plan on spending all that free time to either build a boat, write my biography, or learn the tango. My second year of blogging will be urination free!!!

A Year in Review

I can’t believe it’s been a year. I wondered if I’d last a week, let alone a year. And I was happy when two people read my stuff. Now I've got more than two readers and you all kick ass. In a crazy stroke of coincidence, my 50,000th hit will be today too. (although my statcounter wasn’t installed until a few months after I started). So, this is my blogging year in review...

A little over a year ago, a sports radio guy got suspended from the air and started a blog in the meantime. I used to read that and one day noticed the Next Blog button. I clicked on that button about 5000 times. Always falling on some crappy blog. Until one day I landed on a blog post about how brushing your teeth with vanilla mint toothpaste tastes like brushing your teeth with frosting. It was genius.

After giving it a thought or two, I started my own blog. Did you know my original blog title was “I’m Less Interesting Than You!”? Cate and Pink Kitty were reading immediately and that was enough for me to keep going. In a stroke of pure luck, the day after I started my blog Ashlee Simpson was on SNL.

My blog continued and I got another reader or two when I realized I actually might be more interesting than some people, so I changed my title to the classic Billy Madison line it currently is. (And it took me another 6 months to realize I spelled Chloraphil wrong… but I’m not changing it).

Right around the time I came up with the name Titso, (which stands for Tim’s Insanely Terrific Special One), on a particularly uncreative day, I posted my original Starburst Pron. It was enjoyed and it has been a running theme ever since… and I promise more when I get my camera back.

I posted more crap everyday until one day I actually posted something serious. I was asking Titso to marry me.

It worked, and we got hitched

And we made a baby.

And here I am now. Posting more crap everyday, enjoying your comments just as much as I enjoy writing the shit that I do. I promise I will try to make this next year just as mind numbing as the first!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Well Wishes

So, I’m debating whether or not to write about this because it’s completely against my typical crap. It’s actual life. Yesterday Titso went to meet a new doctor (because we moved) in order to get the typical 1st trimester ultrasound ordered. While there, they took a urine sample. The doctor called her later in the night saying there were large traces of blood in her urine. While several possible reasons were provided, the most obvious and likely was a miscarriage. The doctor ordered an immediate visit to the OB. Titso and I just got back not too long ago. The OB wasn’t too scared about the blood meaning that it was a miscarriage. She did a pelvic and an internal exam and said everything looks ok. She didn’t do an ultrasound, which is really the only thing that would have completely calmed our fears. She wasn’t the world’s friendliest doctor, which was annoying. But as of now, everything seems to be ok, but we won’t actually be sure until next week. Which sucks. But for now, Super Sperm lives on. Thank you for all your wishes.

When the levee breaks

I woke up this morning and put on a shirt. A nice shirt. I ironed a pair of high priced slacks. I shaved my face. Did my hair. Brushed my teeth. I looked good. Very good. When I got into work, there was no red carpet. I had no bonus money sitting on my desk. No raise. My superiors just aren’t noticed how hard I’m working to look good. Something’s wrong.

(on a serious note, send good thoughts my way today please)

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

The New Deal

I’ve determined I’m never going to get where I want to be in life with my current work ethic. So, I’m doing a complete 360. On my plan of how to get there. I’m no longer going to “work hard”, or “make an effort”. My new strategy? Dress better. Whenever you see a well dressed man, what’s the first thing you think? He’s smart. Yep, my new strategy is to look smart, rather than be smart. Genious!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Look who's blogging too!

I can't believe it. My Super sperm has a blog already.

You're all growns up, and you're all growns up, and you're all growns up

I leave today at noon to work from home this afternoon to wait for family room furniture to be delivered. The rest of our bedroom furniture gets delivered Saturday. So, by the beginning of next week, I’ll be like a real grown up with actual furniture instead of cardboard boxes and $10 Ikea furniture. Married with a baby on the way, but I won’t feel like a grown up until we actually have furniture. This post is boring.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Only in Dreams

Have you ever become fully conscious in your sleep? It happens to me like 2 or 3 times a year. Saturday at about 6am my mind woke up, but my body didn’t. Freaks me the fuck out. I try to will myself awake, but I can’t. I feel like I’m going to die. I was able to get my arm to move a little, but I couldn’t wake up. My brain tried to do everything it could to throw my arm enough to jerk myself awake. Unsuccessfully. Then after about 5 minutes of accepting death, I woke up. Then I went back to sleep. And dreamt about boobs.

Weekend by the alphabet

A nnouncement made:
B aby on the way
C eriously. Titso’s pregnant already
D addy Timmy
E xcited. Nervous. In over my head.
F earful
G ay. I apparently am not.
H oneymoon pregnancy?
I nsider information this is.
J ust want it to be a healthy boy
K idding. I don’t care.
L ong nine moths it will be
M ay 21st due date
N ine weeks along now.
O h my God, oh my God, oh my God: All my mom could say.
P robably not going to find out the sex of it
Q uiet please
R eally, quiet. We’re not telling anyone except our parents.
S uper sperm I have
T itso pregnant: what I’m being for Halloween to tell friends.
U ltrasound: had one a few weeks ago when we thought it might be ectopic.
V ery sick, all the time, she is. But, the baby seems ok.
W edding weekend pregnancy?

X is a letter I can’t come up with anything for
Y ou try
Z zzzzzz’s: what I need to catch up on.

So yes, it’s true. Titso’s pregnant already. We told our parents this weekend, but we’re holding off on telling anyone else for a few more weeks. Since no one I actually know reads this I figured I could talk about it now. Though I promise this will not become a baby blog.

It’s funny how I’ve only actually talked about sex I’ve had once or twice here, and it most likely was the time she got pregnant. Either then, or the very beginning of the honeymoon. Titso was on the pill for 12 years, so we thought it would take a while for her body to adjust and we planned on using the natural planning method for about 6 months to a year, then trying. Apparently that method doesn’t work too well. My super sperm attacks all eggs in the tri state area. Maybe waiting a month before marriage wasn’t the best idea in the world.

Anyway, we were upset and pissed at first. But, we’ve known for a month and we’re definitely happy now. Titso was in a really bad car accident a few years ago and her liver split and they said they weren’t sure if she could ever get pregnant, so I’ve felt blessed from the beginning that it happened. She’s coming around now. As long as my kid is cute, I don’t think I’ll have to throw it out.

Friday, October 14, 2005

More thanks

I need help in completing my thank you cards. We have something like 130 cards. Titso’s doing about 115 of them. The final 15 are my friends and close family. I’ve gotten creative with some, so I have to be creative with all of them. I posted my first three, my next two are…

Thank you for celebrating our wedding with us. Also, thank you for the very generous gift. Your gift will go a long way in helping us establish our child slavery ring on the black market. Love OD and Titso

Thank you for celebrating our wedding with us. Also, thank you for the very generous gift. We’ve invested your gift wisely. In Doritos. A year’s supply. Love, Od and Titso.

Now I need about 10 more and I can’t think. I could repeat, but I hate uncreativity. Besides Sean’s prostitution ring suggestion (which I modified to be child slavery), what do you have for me? please? I'll be your best friend.

Thursday, October 13, 2005


ok, so I know it's gay to post pictures of yourself as a kid... especially two in one day, but you're gonna have to deal with it. My mom made a slideshow of me and titso growing up for our wedding and I finally just brought it into work today.

This is my favorite picture of me ever. My parents used to go to this park and I would spend hours at this water fountain trying to drink out of it. My parents would just sit back and laugh at me. Every once in a while a random adult would walk by and lift me up for a drink.

The tattoo? Well, that was just a mistake I made as a crazy young kid. I got that removed a few years ago.


This is a picture of me.

This is just a disaster waiting to happen on so many levels.


Let's just, hypothetically, say someone wrote this about you....

It's quite staggering how many blogs are out there. It's even more awe-inspiring when you realize how many there are that are way more better than your own. Yes, I said "way more better". Some people just lead more interesting lives and have a knack for conveying those lives in interesting and humorous ways. And they have lots of readers, too. Color me envious.

I'd like to share something interesting I found today. It's from Tim..... I haven't read a lot of his blog, and his glib homophobic tone in the top Tuesday post isn't funny to me like it might be to a 20 year old college sophomore, but I find this post very creative, funny, and fruity (?). Enjoy.

Would you be hypothetically flattered? Or hypothetically insulted? Because, ya know, you readers who commented on Tuesday's post would hypothetically be glib, homophobic, 20 year olds. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Poker Championship

I have registered to play in the
Online Poker Blogger Championship!

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Registration code: 8623051

busy body!

Almost 6pm and I'm still at work. That's like practically midnight. somewhere.

Thanks for the Great Gift

I'm writing thank you cards for my wedding right now. this is what they look like.

I'm very mature.

**** Update!!

These are the two I have completed thus far:

Steve and Angie, Thank you for being part of our wedding. Also, thank you for the very generous gift. We will be wisely investing it to ensure a happy life together. And by that I mean we will be buying lots and lots of beer. Love, OD and Titso

Steve and Mare, Thank you for being part of our wedding. Also, thank you for the very generous gift. We will use it to ensure a happy life together. And we will be ensured a happy life by purchasing about 4 pounds of weed. Love, OD and Titso

**** another!

Jack and Shannon, Thank you for celebrating our wedding with us. Also, thank you for the very generous gift. We're throwing it right in the gutter. Literally. We're going bowling. 50 straight games. Love, OD and Titso

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Trying something new

So, I

Uh oh

I’ve never puked at work, but I’m dangerously close right now. I just got up to get one of my 65 daily cups of water. I took a sip on my walk back. Apparently I’m not good at walking and sipping at the same time. Something went wrong. Terribly wrong. Coughing fits. Shortness of breath. I think my throat collapsed into my stomach. My stomach is rejecting it. I can’t breath. If I die, I loved you. At least some of you.


I was just perusing through some of my most recent posts and I’ve noticed the quality of my writing has decreased. So, this is my oath to you, the faithful readers, to write more outstanding work. I promise to, uh, nah, never mind. Writing good is two hard.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Dear Everybody That Has Off For Columbus Day,

I hate you.

Love Always,


P.S. I'm hungry

I'm your pusher

Another week of marriage, another week alone. Titso left for Atlanta again this morning. Home Alone like Mccaulay. So much pron, so little time.

This weekend I was officially old. The best part of my weekend was watching tv. No bars, no heavy drinking, no intravenous drugs. My life has gotten boring. I rented the 1st 6 episodes of Arrested Development. If you’re not watching this show, start. It’s the best comedy on tv. Right next to The Office and Curb your Enthusiasm. Don’t be a loser, just watch. It will make you feel good. Like intravenous drugs.

Good to the last drop

Have you ever started to drink your coffee only to notice the half and half was bad? And it's all curdled and nasty. But you still drink the coffee anyway? mmmm....

Friday, October 07, 2005

Oh baby, you, you got what I need..

From Sean

Ok, go to Google.

Type in "(your name) needs" Remember to us the quotes.

Look at the 5 websites that say you need something. (Use different websites)

What are the 5 things you need?

Tim needs your love, just like any young man his age (aka. handjobs)

Tim needs to offer more respect to you, the readers. (Fuck that)

Tim needs to know that his actions are going to land him in the gutter -- literally. (already there)

Tim needs to eat every two hours! (and your point is...?)

Tim needs to swear off at least the following words forever: "sun", "soon", "crucifix", "go", "you", and about a half a dozen others the way a wino needs to swear off Boones Farm. (mmm.. Boones Farm)

A nice warm glass of shut the hell up

So, my Katie Holmes/Tom Cruise obsession went away for a while. But it’s back now! Yah For premarital sex! Or premarital test tube babies depending on how you view this unison.

I was very pissed off the other day when they announced she was pregnant because they stole my thunder. I was going to announce I was pregnant that day. At least I think I’m pregnant. That would be the only explanation for the growth of my stomach since marriage.

Then, last night I heard about the Scientologist method of childbirth:

Maintain silence in the presence of birth to save both the sanity of the mother and the child and safeguard the home to which they will go. And the maintaining of silence does not mean a volley of "Sh's," for those make stammerers.

I actually agree with this method of childbirth. I wouldn’t want to see what comes out of this mouth either:

And the post childbirth Scientologist tradition:

Next, the delivery itself should carry as little anaesthetic as possible, be as calm and no-talk as possible and the baby should not be bathed or chilled but should be wrapped somewhat tightly in a warm blanket, very soft, and then left alone for a day or so.

Well, I’ve got nothing for that, that’s just retarded.

I've grown lazy

I'm way too lazy to look through 208 HNTs, so can someone just tell me which the best ones were (besides chick's and Pauls). Growing up my brother used to always like music until it became popular. Then he stopped liking it. I thought he was aloser, but now I'm understanding. HNT is just too big to enjoy. Don't get me wrong, I love boob shots, but if there were 200 HNT's I'll bet no more than 20 were very creative. Including my own. I'm thinking yesterday may have been my last HNT. At least for a while. Definitely until I get my camera back... which hasn't even been sent in for repairs yet. So, I think this is my HNT sign off.

Penis Out!

Thursday, October 06, 2005


Training all afternoon. See Ya tommorrow.


Still no camera.

I showed enough N in last week's HNT to last a few weeks.

Got wedding proofs back today.

Not much N this week.

The N came later that night... right? right? who's with me?

(ok, the next morning for those of you who read my recap)