Friday, December 30, 2005
Thursday, December 29, 2005
It's blocked from my work, but for some reason I just googled starburst porn* and this came up. I'm wondering if someone stole my porn and claimed it as thier own.
* joo - I'm very touched that you've listed starburst porn as one of your interests in your profile. I can't remember if I ever saw that before.
The first sentence on the first post of each month of the year:
January – “Drink less *” - A new years resolution. The “*” indicated it had already been broken.
February – “As promised, last night I held a peeing contest with my cat.” - I must have been drunk when I wrote that.
March – “I'm Johnny Depp.” - Seriously, I am.
April – “Last night I went online and watched the flash cartoon that kid that just went crazy and killed all those people at his school made.” - Did I get political? No.
May – “I'm such a loser.” - I’m surprised I don’t start every post off with this sentence.
June – “Last night I had my first nightmare about my wedding.” - That post was too long to re-read. I think it had something to do with Titso getting pregnant on our wedding night. Thank God that didn’t…
July – “Titso had the first of her two wedding showers last weekend.” - Wow, I’m boring.
August – “Welp, we moved this weekend.” - Why does anyone read this crap?
September – “I'll tell you what, you do a lot of fucking walking when you go to Italy.” - Please kill me.
October – “Finally saw Wedding Crashers” - Who cares?
November – “It started slow.” - It’s ending even slower.
December – “I haven't done MSPaint in forever (2 weeks), so after reading about Conti’s desire to dunk, I thought I'd share a story and do some MSPainting.” - Redemption!
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
My mom gives out prizes at the bowling party and my prize was a book. Paul and his book club are not going to be happy with me, but it’s an Oprah book club book called A Million Little Pieces. I started reading it at lunch and I think I’m really going to like it. Thank F’ing God I finally got something that makes me want to waste even more time out of my workday.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
My Christmas was good. The 5th annual O’D bowling party was yesterday. A cousin’s new boyfriend had both the high game and the high series. Nobody liked him. After bowling we headed back to our house where all 41 of us drank, ate, laughed, watched our wedding video, my mom dance on Ellen, and Lazy Sunday countless times. I wish I had exciting stories to tell, but I don’t.
Now, get me back to work!
Friday, December 23, 2005
How does it feel to be pregnant?
She immediately forwarded it to me. I laughed and wished her good luck. She was nice:
Wonderful! I love it!
Not a good move if you ask me. She got an instant reply:
You look wonderful also, you are the prettiest pregnant woman I ever saw,,, don't tell anyone I told you though.
HA! Looks like I might have to give a beat down to some one moving in on my preggo wife!
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
It could also be because we have a current scare with the pregnancy. I’m not going into details, but if you pray, say a prayer for me, if you cross your fingers, cross your fingers for me, and if you masturbate, masturbate with thoughts of me.
Monday, December 19, 2005
And, of course, we all know this is what she’s currently married to:
I could have bagged a supermodel. Dammit.
Friday, December 16, 2005
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
In other news, I have to go to the bathroom.
In other news, I have been given a voice in an upper managerial decision as to whether I remain under my current manager or move to another manager. I'd have more opportunity under the new manager, but my current manager is probably the best manager I've ever had and I don't really know the new manager. I don't know what to say. I'll probably end up saying nothing and getting moved and I'll get super busy and I'll never blog again.
Monday, December 12, 2005
Friday, December 09, 2005
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Yes, I had an STD. In my eye. The technical term was Chlamydial Conjunctivitis. I got it from a swimming pool. It supposedly attached to my goggles and got into my eyes. It’s like pink eye, but twice as bad.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Eagles stink... blah,blah,blah... attacked by a bear... blah, blah, blah... I was the big winner at poker again last night... blah,blah,blah... prosthetic finger... blah,blah,blah.... atomic wedgie ... blah,blah,blah... duck billed platypus ... blah,blah,blah... happily ever after. The end.
Apparently when I was going up:
I looked like a cross between Drew Barrymore, Anne Frank, and Sarah Michelle Gellar.
I look like a cross between Mel Bibson and Babe Ruth.
Who do you look like?
Got this from Mia.
Monday, December 05, 2005
Well compared to some of the other names he came up with, TITSO seemed a little nicer. Plus I know Tim is a boob guy, so Titso seemed to be his favorite.
From Laurie: is Tim really funny? Like in real life. Not through odd drawings and starburst porn
You think Tim is funny in blog world? Well, I suppose he is funny in real life – don’t think those Starburst porn were just created out of his insane imagination…where do you think he came up with ideas and positions?!?
From Julia: What are you doing with a loser like Tim? You deserve better
Timmy may be a loser, but he’s my loser. Plus he’s HOT and great in bed! Not to mention smart, sexy and funny… what more could a woman ask for?
From tinapopo: Do you feel that Tim needs to take some kind of human development class, in order to help him understand that his SuperSperm stopped being sperm fairly soon after conception ?
Tim is still a little confused on the whole pregnancy topic – I think he’s so amazed that his sperm could actually impregnate me, and so fast! But you gals need to keep reminding him that once the sperm meets the egg it becomes a fetus. Just like when a man and woman marry, there is no more being “single”, it is two becoming one. Now the supersperm has created a super-fetus, so I think he needs to change the name of that site.
From Lulu: Tim tells us that he is a very lovely, considerate husband. Tell us a time when he pissed you off. (For the record, the only claim in that statement I’ve ever made was that I’m a husband. Lovely and considerate never have left my mouth.)
A time, just one time, that he pissed me off? Wow, I could write a book! No, really he normally is a very lovey, considerate husband… except for when he gets on a poker rampage and must play at different bars several nights a week (or sometimes in one day) until he feels he has played his best. Or when he comes home drunk – that is a big NO-NO in our house… never drive drunk! I was almost killed by a drunk driver!
From Melissa: So, honestly, is he good in the sack?
Umm..I think that is a little private… what do you think? Of course, do you think I’d marry him if he wasn’t?
From Mike: I'd like for Titso to describe her nipples in her own words.
Umm… Tim can describe them best – go ahead… (ok, shiny and Diamond encrusted. )
From Just: who is your favourite author, apart from Tim?
James Patterson. But Tim writes some damn good stories himself!
From Armaedes: How do you keep it so gangsta fresh?
Deodorant and baby powder.
From Min: Do like Starbursts? Dammit. I meant, "Do YOU like Starbursts?"
To eat? Yes I love starbursts.. but as soon as they come in to our house, Tim is busy transforming them in to little Starburst porn!
From Kayde: hey titso, you ever consider doing girl on girl? err, i mean... shit.
If I did, I wouldn’t be pregnant now… so no, sorry, I’m all about boys.
From Funny Bone:
Have you ever been tempted to imitate some of the more difficult maneuvers Tim has so skillfully sculpted out of Starburst?
Like I answered Laurie – how do you think Tim got the ideas for the Starburst porn – he likes to relive it all by making starburst porn and blogging about it!
If you were given the choice of sleeping with me for one night or spending the rest of your life shacked up with Tim, do you think he'd remember you?
I’d have to say, I’d chose Tim over anyone…especially now that he’s my baby’s daddy!
I once had a pet iguana that ran away...do you know where he is?
No, but ya know what – I once had a hampster that got out of it’s cage and disappeared one day, do you know where she is? Her name is Caramel if you see her. Maybe your iguana ate her.
What's the square root of pi-hole?
The doctor just informed you that you have crabs. Butter or coctail sauce?
This must be what he would be saying after my one night with you?
From Wendi: do you read other blogs? why don’t you have your own?
Unfortunately I’m not a blogger… I actually work a pretty busy job, whereas Tim uses his time at work to blog! I work on a computer all day, so it’s the last thing I want to sit in front of when I get home.
What should I name my new puppy?
Sorry I’m not too good with names… I can’t even decide what I want to name the baby if it’s a boy!
What are 2 things you absolutely love about Tim?
His sense of humor, his body, his cuddling, his massages, his cooking… oh wait, you only wanted two..
What are 2 things you could live without that Tim does?
I could live without him playing poker. He’s a poker nut, he’d play everynight if he was single. I could also live without his farts, his stinky farts. An ex-girlfriend made him a ceramic bowl that said “stinky” on it, obviously I’m not the only one who noticed it! (for the record: I wrote "I stink" on it because I sucked at painting it)
Have you ever danced with Momma OD?
Many a times… she’s a great dancer – also very entertaining to watch! You should see her on our wedding video!
What is one thing the internet doesn't know about Tim that you would just love to tell us?
Hmm, that’s tough, he reveals a lot about himself. I would guess you all probably don’t know that he really is a fantastic husband. He helps with chores all the time, does laundry, cooks, cleans, even scrubs the bathroom. He is an all-around great guy!
How are you feeling so far in your pregnancy? Is Tim being a good prego dad?
I’m feeling good these days….the first trimester was tough. But Tim was very supportive – he figured if he helped me by cooking and getting me to bed, he could sneak out and play poker at night! I think he is actually a little more excited than I even am about the baby, which is an awesome thing b/c many guys get scared at just the thought…so yes, he’s been a great prego dad.
What were you thinking?
Thinking? Who was thinking? Do you think if I thought about a baby that I would be pregnant right now? But I can say that this is the happiest Tim and I have ever been. We love being married and look forward to this baby with great excitement (and a lot of fear).
Okay, that was maybe a little rude.
How about this one:
How drunk were you for all those months/years? (no answer)
No, no... that's not right either...
When Tim does his naked dance for you, do you laugh with him or at him?
Naked dance – he told you about the naked dance? Wow I’m embarrassed. He actually has several versions… the sexy one with the “David” boxers that he strips off… then the “hiccup” one that he does naked jumping jacks to cure the hiccups… then if that doesn’t work he does naked head-stands. You should peak in our window one night when he’s got the hiccups, man it’s hilarious!
Are Tim's nipples as sensitive as the rest of him?
You think Tim is sensitive? He may be a little emotional every now and then, but I wouldn’t say he’s sensitive.
Are you going to name your first child Julie?
No, sorry Julie… we’ve picked out a girls name already, just trying to decide on a boy one too.
do you do anal?
When we meet, can we hang for an hour? Yes No Circle one.
Maybe, whats it worth to ya?
Titso - Do you know how I can renew my passport?
I just got my passport to go to Italy for my honeymoon this summer, so unfortunately I don’t know how to renew it… but if you find out, let me know b/c I’ll need to do it in 10 years.
BUT, I took off tomorrow to sleep in and, well, sleep in.
P.S. EVERYONE WATCH ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT TONIGHT!
If you don’t watch it, here’s something that I just found out that will surely hook you and get you equally as pissed as I am that it was cancelled: The show is written by the same person who wrote The Golden Girls. Comic. Genius.
Friday, December 02, 2005
Last night when I held my niece I actually felt like it meant something. I know that I will be in this baby’s life for as long as I live. We were there for an hour and a half and she only cried for about 2 minutes when her blanket fell off her and she needed to be covered up again. Her eyes were following the sounds of people’s voices when they talked and she was trying to stay awake while all those people were around. She was really cute. I got really excited to have my own. Six months seems too long to wait now. I’ll probably be singing a different tune in seven months when I’m only sleeping two hours a night, but man, right now, I can’t wait to be a dad.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
I was a problem child. I first got drunk in 8th grade. I first got caught drinking a few weeks later. I was horrible at it.
It was the end of my junior year in high school and I was grounded for the 7th time for getting caught drinking. I was allowed to go play basketball everyday after school with my friends, I just couldn’t go out at night. I played basketball everyday of my life from 8th grade until my senior year. Swimming was my true talent, but basketball was my true love.
There was a court near my house that had one regulation-sized hoop, and the other end had a hoop that was 6 inches low. Early in high school my friends and I would go there and try to dunk on the short rim. I was the shortest, and last to be able to do it. We would go and try every single day, then go home and do calf raises and other exercises to help in our goal. I was the last to be able to dunk on the low rim, but the first to be able to dunk on the regulation sized rim.
So, my 7th grounding ended and my first night out we went to play basketball. For the most part the games were me and my friends and a whole bunch of big ass black dudes. If we took team photos (and wore uniforms) this is what they would look like:
The short rimed side was people constantly trying to dunk, while the regulation side was normal b-ball. The regulation side almost never saw dunks except from the rare playground superstar (such as Cuttino Mobley who used to play at the court before he made the NBA). On my first night out I was especially hyped up and I was having a very good jumping night. In warm-ups I was dunking on the regulation rim without a problem. Shortly into the first game I was playing, I stole the ball and had a breakaway all by myself. I was in perfect position and went for the dunk. In a bizarre occurrence, I actually jumped too high and hit my wrist on the rim oddly and threw myself off balance.
I landed on my ass, breaking my fall with my wrist, and in turn I broke my wrist.
I went to the hospital to get it fixed where no orthopedic surgeon was on duty. My dad got pissed at the hospital for being short staffed, so he brought me home. Where I sat with a broken wrist for 3 days until my dad could find the best doctor who wasn’t affiliated with that hospital to fix it.
I had a full arm cast that whole summer. I learned to do everything left-handed. I continued to play basketball in 95 degree heat with a full arm cast. I improved my left-handed dribbling and I had the smelliest cast of all time. My full arm cast was eventually shortened to a forearm length cast, which was eventually removed.
My first night cast-free I was so excited. I went out and got drunk. And got caught for the 8th and final time. And was grounded for the rest of the summer. I quit drinking my entire senior year. I also still wipe my ass with my left hand.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
As we enter the last weeks of the year, we would like all IT staff to enjoy a bit of holiday cheer. Between now and 12/31/05, all staff may dress casually for work. Please be sensitive and dress appropriately for meetings you may have with external customers or with other visitors coming into the building. As always, please use good judgment in appropriate attire for the workplace."
Time to break out the manthongs!!
Sunday morning our next-door neighbor knocked on our door and invited Titso and I over for some coffee. We were barely awake or dressed so we took down their number. Titso called and arranged for us to get together tomorrow night. Titso is friendly and can, and will, talk to anyone. Me, not so much. The neighbors seem like very nice and friendly people, but I don’t get along with new people. Especially people that seem to be my polar opposite. I like football, he likes salsa dancing. That right there is enough to make me fake sick. I’m fairly certain we have zero in common and I’m dreading it. He probably doesn’t even like boobs.
So, here’s to hoping for a 24 hour labor that will mean I have to go visit them tomorrow after work and cancel our neighborly play date.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Monday, November 28, 2005
-Worked Friday. Left a little early. Went to play poker. Got 4th place out of 90 people. 4th place is 1st loser in free bar poker.
-Went 24 straight hours without eating. I just wasn’t hungry.
-Hung Christmas lights. New house is much bigger than old house, so we ran out of lights. Need to get more. Looks retarded right now.
-Went to Titso’s 10 year reunion. Drank both our money’s worth. Got my nice Banana Republic jacket stolen.
-Went to and FINALLY saw the Eagles win a freakin game.
-Gained 3 pounds over the long weekend even with my 1 day food ban.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Today, on national television, her dream of dancing with Ellen was fufilled. I wish I had it on my PC, but I had to settle with pausing tivo and taking a picture with my camera. Yes, here is my mom grinding with Ellen.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
I friggen love working from home. Usually I just sit around in my underwear eating cheetos. Tomorrow I may not even wear my underwear.
* I don’t have many pictures of my mom on my PC, so I thought I’d do her justice with a 25 year old picture of her with sweet 70’s hair.
Here's a real picture of someone from the show, reacting to the bullshit Oprah pulled.
"popcorn? uggs? Oatmeal cookies? Where's my car bitch?!?"
Monday, November 21, 2005
Titso’s been having sinus sicknesses for the past week and went out shopping yesterday while I painfully watched the Eagles suck. She got home and was practically dead as she climbed into bed. I waited until halftime then went and got into bed with her. Asked her if she needed anything, rubbed her arms and head for about 3 minutes, then asked her if she minded if I went to a bar to play poker. She told me to go. So I left her home alone and sick. After poker I picked up a humidifier, and dinner. I made soup and grilled cheeses for dinner. I cleaned up all by myself too. I’m like the best boyfriend/husband ever! She was still thanking me this morning for taking care of her.
So, in conclusion, my wife thanked me for going to play poker while she was home sick.
She's home sick today. I just realized she has been totally faking sickness for the past week just so she could stay home today and watch Oprah's Favorite Things.
Friday, November 18, 2005
One thing I’ve always said helped keep relationships fresh was slight changes of appearance. I think one of the biggest things girls can do is to change up their hairstyles. I haven’t changed my hairstyle in about 8 years, but I’ve kept my relationships fresh by doing other things such as wearing an eye patch, getting my teeth gold capped, botox, and shaving my eyebrows.
About once or twice a year I’ll grow a goatee. Do you guys think I look better with a goatee?
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
and here it is
and it's going to be down a little further
because I don't want it to show on my screen when I load my blog page at work
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
I’d take a picture, but you know, that whole I’ll get divorced for sending myself 6000 pictures of myself this month is coming into play.
Monday, November 14, 2005
I laid down on the table to prepare for the needle.
If at first you don’t find the vein, try, try again!
Finally, the vein was found and the blood was flowing.
And then… lala land.
In truth, I didn’t actually pass out, but I was in so much pain I couldn’t lift my arm for about two weeks and swore off ever giving blood again. Now, I’m finally over that, but the malaria infested Punta Canan mosquitoes won’t allow it.
Friday, November 11, 2005
But, I am proud to say that in the past 24 hours, two separate people have found my blog through a search for “How to darken nipples”. I know my writing is quality when I give the people what they need.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
My old house also had a finished basement where we had a pool table, ping pong table and a tv. I’d hang out down there at night before having to go to bed. Our basement was set up weird in that the light switch was at the bottom of the stairs. So, you had to walk up and down the stairs in the dark. Every night before I’d go to bed I’d get into a runner’s position, flip the switch and run like the wind up the stairs. For some reason I always thought that as soon as I turned off the lights Stormtroopers would appear in my basement and attempt to kill me. I was such a douchebag.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Sometimes managers give raises based on your ability to make people laugh!
So, I laughed and laughed and laughed some more!
and what was I laughing at?
My blog of course!
Let the raises cometh my way!
P.S. I have no picture sending plan for my cell phone. titso is gonna divorce me when our cell phone bill is $400 because I keep sending pictures to myself.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
I'm sitting here watching a T.O. press conference online. T.O's apologizing, while his dickface agent acts like a dick. As a complete die hard Eagles fan this feels like an ex girlfriend apologizing while her new boyfriend is standing next to her. She says "I'm sorry for cheating, I still love you." While her boyfriend yells, "You did this to her! Fuck you!"
GOD!!!!! I can't stand Rosenhaus. I want to cry. I want to puke.
One of my friends had baby about 4 months ago. His girlfriend and him were going to get married before they found out she was preggo, so they pushed the wedding back until after the kid was born. They’re supposed to get married next October. But, they just found out she’s pregnant again. They found out about 4 weeks ago that she’s already expecting. Twins. Friday she went to hear the heartbeats and they couldn’t find one. So, they sent her in for an ultrasound. They didn’t find two heartbeats. They found three. They’re going to have FOUR kids under the age of one. I’d rather die.
Monday, November 07, 2005
I was feeling so confident today I decided to make some calls and yell at people.
Friday, November 04, 2005
Thursday, November 03, 2005
"People always asking me when's the release date / Well, baby you can wait and see, until then all these Pavarottis followin' me"
"My prediction is that y'all gonna hate on the style we create, straight 2008."
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Monday, October 31, 2005
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Friday, October 28, 2005
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
1. Cate’s hair was blue for her brothers wedding last weekend
2. Jootatic’s boyfriend loves Tapered Pants
3. Pink Kitty’s boyfriend is in a band.
4. Trish is having a tough time selling her house
5. Martin’s mouth is exploding
6. I’m pretty sure Lint failed in his quest to take a picture drinking a pint in every pub in York.
7. Burfica’s sick. Or at least she was. (Physically)
8. Alekx barely blogs anymore
9. Giselle’s getting hitched. It won’t work. At least that’s what she’s told.
10. Sometimes I wonder if Madison isn’t the dog he usually makes himself out to be.
11. Chick has the best quality HNT pictures on the market. And I knew her before she became a star. Well, I didn’t know her, but well, read her.
12. Paul hates Jesus
13. Angie’s in love. Maybe?
14. It seems like every post she has the days, OGO, apologizes for being out of whack. Don’t apologize.
15. Ho loves Mexicans. But not the gay ones.
16. Chris wrote a script which is being made into a kick ass film
17. QOP is getting tons of booty lately
18. Amy claims Vermont is a real state
19. I think Steph likes tequila
20. I don’t know how Filan is still single
21. Melissa’s boobs are growing while her waist is shrinking
22. Min’s back!
23. Libby’s husband’s back from Iraq!
24. Jake was on mtv’s road rules
25. Marisa’s Married. Ha!
26. Popfizz loves pron as much as me.
27. Conti likes the Astros. So, he can’t be too happy right now.
28. Funqi never blogs anymore either
29. Nor does Cindy
30. Candi looves military men
31. Sean acts gay for his girlfriend
32. Britni’s not shy
33. Cindy-Lou’s son looks like the man
34. Julia’s apparently not very good at poker
35. 30Something cleans up business nice, but Halloween brings out the real her.
36. Heather’s a Falcons fan. Boooo!
37. HappyKap runs. A lot. And it shows. She’s got a hot bod.
38. Tina kinda likes Laguna Beach
39. RitMeyer is 5 days smoke-free. I hope.
40. Lulu is one of only a handful of readers that has emailed me out of the blue. She’s cool. And funny.
41. I think Wendi likes sangria.
42. I bet Samantha’s hot
43. Kayde hasn’t updated her blog in months
44. Neil’s the newest of my daily blogs to read
45. monkey got some and gave some
Monday, October 24, 2005
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Friday, October 21, 2005
A little over a year ago, a sports radio guy got suspended from the air and started a blog in the meantime. I used to read that and one day noticed the Next Blog button. I clicked on that button about 5000 times. Always falling on some crappy blog. Until one day I landed on a blog post about how brushing your teeth with vanilla mint toothpaste tastes like brushing your teeth with frosting. It was genius.
After giving it a thought or two, I started my own blog. Did you know my original blog title was “I’m Less Interesting Than You!”? Cate and Pink Kitty were reading immediately and that was enough for me to keep going. In a stroke of pure luck, the day after I started my blog Ashlee Simpson was on SNL.
My blog continued and I got another reader or two when I realized I actually might be more interesting than some people, so I changed my title to the classic Billy Madison line it currently is. (And it took me another 6 months to realize I spelled Chloraphil wrong… but I’m not changing it).
Right around the time I came up with the name Titso, (which stands for Tim’s Insanely Terrific Special One), on a particularly uncreative day, I posted my original Starburst Pron. It was enjoyed and it has been a running theme ever since… and I promise more when I get my camera back.
I posted more crap everyday until one day I actually posted something serious. I was asking Titso to marry me.
It worked, and we got hitched
And we made a baby.
And here I am now. Posting more crap everyday, enjoying your comments just as much as I enjoy writing the shit that I do. I promise I will try to make this next year just as mind numbing as the first!
Thursday, October 20, 2005
(on a serious note, send good thoughts my way today please)
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Monday, October 17, 2005
B aby on the way
C eriously. Titso’s pregnant already
D addy Timmy
E xcited. Nervous. In over my head.
G ay. I apparently am not.
H oneymoon pregnancy?
I nsider information this is.
J ust want it to be a healthy boy
K idding. I don’t care.
L ong nine moths it will be
M ay 21st due date
N ine weeks along now.
O h my God, oh my God, oh my God: All my mom could say.
P robably not going to find out the sex of it
Q uiet please
R eally, quiet. We’re not telling anyone except our parents.
S uper sperm I have
T itso pregnant: what I’m being for Halloween to tell friends.
U ltrasound: had one a few weeks ago when we thought it might be ectopic.
V ery sick, all the time, she is. But, the baby seems ok.
W edding weekend pregnancy?
X is a letter I can’t come up with anything for
Y ou try
Z zzzzzz’s: what I need to catch up on.
So yes, it’s true. Titso’s pregnant already. We told our parents this weekend, but we’re holding off on telling anyone else for a few more weeks. Since no one I actually know reads this I figured I could talk about it now. Though I promise this will not become a baby blog.
It’s funny how I’ve only actually talked about sex I’ve had once or twice here, and it most likely was the time she got pregnant. Either then, or the very beginning of the honeymoon. Titso was on the pill for 12 years, so we thought it would take a while for her body to adjust and we planned on using the natural planning method for about 6 months to a year, then trying. Apparently that method doesn’t work too well. My super sperm attacks all eggs in the tri state area. Maybe waiting a month before marriage wasn’t the best idea in the world.
Anyway, we were upset and pissed at first. But, we’ve known for a month and we’re definitely happy now. Titso was in a really bad car accident a few years ago and her liver split and they said they weren’t sure if she could ever get pregnant, so I’ve felt blessed from the beginning that it happened. She’s coming around now. As long as my kid is cute, I don’t think I’ll have to throw it out.
Friday, October 14, 2005
Thank you for celebrating our wedding with us. Also, thank you for the very generous gift. Your gift will go a long way in helping us establish our child slavery ring on the black market. Love OD and Titso
Thank you for celebrating our wedding with us. Also, thank you for the very generous gift. We’ve invested your gift wisely. In Doritos. A year’s supply. Love, Od and Titso.
Now I need about 10 more and I can’t think. I could repeat, but I hate uncreativity. Besides Sean’s prostitution ring suggestion (which I modified to be child slavery), what do you have for me? please? I'll be your best friend.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
This is my favorite picture of me ever. My parents used to go to this park and I would spend hours at this water fountain trying to drink out of it. My parents would just sit back and laugh at me. Every once in a while a random adult would walk by and lift me up for a drink.
The tattoo? Well, that was just a mistake I made as a crazy young kid. I got that removed a few years ago.
It's quite staggering how many blogs are out there. It's even more awe-inspiring when you realize how many there are that are way more better than your own. Yes, I said "way more better". Some people just lead more interesting lives and have a knack for conveying those lives in interesting and humorous ways. And they have lots of readers, too. Color me envious.
I'd like to share something interesting I found today. It's from Tim..... I haven't read a lot of his blog, and his glib homophobic tone in the top Tuesday post isn't funny to me like it might be to a 20 year old college sophomore, but I find this post very creative, funny, and fruity (?). Enjoy.
Would you be hypothetically flattered? Or hypothetically insulted? Because, ya know, you readers who commented on Tuesday's post would hypothetically be glib, homophobic, 20 year olds. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
I'm writing thank you cards for my wedding right now. this is what they look like.
I'm very mature.
These are the two I have completed thus far:
Steve and Angie, Thank you for being part of our wedding. Also, thank you for the very generous gift. We will be wisely investing it to ensure a happy life together. And by that I mean we will be buying lots and lots of beer. Love, OD and Titso
Steve and Mare, Thank you for being part of our wedding. Also, thank you for the very generous gift. We will use it to ensure a happy life together. And we will be ensured a happy life by purchasing about 4 pounds of weed. Love, OD and Titso
Jack and Shannon, Thank you for celebrating our wedding with us. Also, thank you for the very generous gift. We're throwing it right in the gutter. Literally. We're going bowling. 50 straight games. Love, OD and Titso
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Monday, October 10, 2005
This weekend I was officially old. The best part of my weekend was watching tv. No bars, no heavy drinking, no intravenous drugs. My life has gotten boring. I rented the 1st 6 episodes of Arrested Development. If you’re not watching this show, start. It’s the best comedy on tv. Right next to The Office and Curb your Enthusiasm. Don’t be a loser, just watch. It will make you feel good. Like intravenous drugs.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Ok, go to Google.
Type in "(your name) needs" Remember to us the quotes.
Look at the 5 websites that say you need something. (Use different websites)
What are the 5 things you need?
Tim needs your love, just like any young man his age (aka. handjobs)
Tim needs to offer more respect to you, the readers. (Fuck that)
Tim needs to know that his actions are going to land him in the gutter -- literally. (already there)
Tim needs to eat every two hours! (and your point is...?)Tim needs to swear off at least the following words forever: "sun", "soon", "crucifix", "go", "you", and about a half a dozen others the way a wino needs to swear off Boones Farm. (mmm.. Boones Farm)
I was very pissed off the other day when they announced she was pregnant because they stole my thunder. I was going to announce I was pregnant that day. At least I think I’m pregnant. That would be the only explanation for the growth of my stomach since marriage.
Then, last night I heard about the Scientologist method of childbirth:
Maintain silence in the presence of birth to save both the sanity of the mother and the child and safeguard the home to which they will go. And the maintaining of silence does not mean a volley of "Sh's," for those make stammerers.
I actually agree with this method of childbirth. I wouldn’t want to see what comes out of this mouth either:
And the post childbirth Scientologist tradition:
Next, the delivery itself should carry as little anaesthetic as possible, be as calm and no-talk as possible and the baby should not be bathed or chilled but should be wrapped somewhat tightly in a warm blanket, very soft, and then left alone for a day or so.
Well, I’ve got nothing for that, that’s just retarded.