I hope it wasn't someone that's been here before. I hope it was just some sick, sick individual. (because people that search for starburst porn are sick, but people that make starburst porn are normal... mmmm kay.)
In other news, titso came back from Cali last night. She couldn't find her car in the parking lot. It was 0 degrees out and she was walking in circles for 20 minutes. I drove the half hour to the airport, picked her up and drove her around the lot until we found her car. And doing that actually didn't bother me at all. I'm not sure if that makes me a) whipped b) in love or c) just plain stupid.
With Valentine's Day coming up, I'm working on a poem for my girlfriend. If you've ever seen 10 Thing I Hate About You, this is the style I've chosen to write the poem in (except changing the "hate" to "love"). It may need some fine tuning, but I think it's pretty good so far.
I love it when you look at me that way,
I love it that you don’t think I’m gay.
I love it that you don’t care if I’m a loner,
I love it how when I look at you I get a boner.
I love it when you go fishing and catch me bass,
Don’t you just love to look at my ass?
I love it when you cook me a delicious dinner,
I love it that you’re not a loser, you’re a winner.
I love it when you shovel the snow instead of me,
I love it that this poem is over, cause I gotta go pee.
People still kidnap for money?? That’s so 1980’s. I’ll never understand the laziness behind that.
Kidnapper 1:”Dude, we ran out of milk again. It’s your turn to buy it.”
Kidnapper 2:”Dude, I bought the salami last week.”
K1: “Dude, that salami sucked. You bought the cheap stuff.”
K2: “Dude, I can’t afford the good stuff.”
K1: “Maybe you should get a better job, or look for coupons, or sign up for the Acme card to get discounts.”
K2: “Nah, maybe I’ll just steal someone’s mom and demand money for her return.”
K1: “Good idea.”
K2: “I was thinking about a baseball players mom. That way I could demand like a billion dollars and I'd be able to afford the good shit.”
K1: “Dude, you’re such an idiot, they’ll pay no more than $3 mil.”
K2: ”True dat.”
I was just perusing through my most recent 111 posts and I started to think I was giving off the impression that I’m weird. I just want to assure everyone I’m perfectly normal. I swear.
When your belly gets smaller, you've lost weight. When your ass shrinks, you've lost weight. When your legs, arms, hips, thighs, face, or anything gets smaller, you've lost weight. So, I was out in the snow yesterday and my nuts shrunk. Did I lose weight?
My girlfriend has been in California for just over 24 hours. I’m pleased to report the house has not collapsed yet. I’ve been on the roof twice trying to prevent it, and I’ve managed to keep it mostly intact. On the down side I accidentally burnt two of the bedrooms down and broke all the cat’s legs. Last night I left the keys in the front door and thieves broke in and stole all our tv’s while I was passed out drunk. I can’t figure out how to turn the heat on, so all the pipes burst. I backed up the toilet so I’ve started pissing in the closets. Since she’s not around I see no need for deodorant, showers or a tooth brush.
Yes, my friends, this is shaping up to be a good week!
A few months ago I posted a series of pictures explaining how I fell in love with my girlfriend. If you haven't seen them, check them out here. I finished that post off by saying "They lived happily ever after." How wrong I was. A few months after I took those pictures she started acting weird. I was getting suspicious, but only after finding odd semi-liquids in the hot tub did I decide to hire a Private Investigator. Only because she broke my heart in two am I posting these pictures. Revenge!
When I met with the PI I knew after looking at the first picture things were not going to end up good. I couldn't see much, but I didn't have to.
Yep, thats our next door neighboor with her behind the bushes. Mr. Mellow.
I don't even know whats going on in this picture. I guess her desire for kinky things like this is what made her stray.
But, she couldn't have possibly enjoyed this. The Marsh Mellow's don't even have tounges.
This was always her favorite position.
The PI told me this went on for about 2 and a half hours.
Then they moved it towards the hot tub.
Then into the hot tub for more.
And they left that nasty semi-liquid behind... Marsh Mellow fluff!
But karma has a way of working things out. A few weeks after I broke up with her, she was pregnant. Mellow wasn't too happy!
And boy I wish I could have been there in the delivery room when she gave birth. Aparently Mr. Mellow wasn't the only one she was fooling around with...
Mr. Skittles is going to have a lot of explaining to do to Mrs. Skittles!
I just got out of a team meeting in which we were talking about future system changes. There were discussions, alternatives, and laughing about possible alternatives. Did you ever see that episode of the Simpsons where Bart cheats on a test and gets put in the advanced class? The teacher has them do an algebra equation who’s answer is RDRRR. (the sound of a laugh). I’m so Bart Simpson. As other geeks laugh about the results of some alternatives I wonder why I’m in there with them having no clue what they’re talking about. Oh well, several minute till happy hour…
I was over at the Ass Chronicles today and for some reason Cate’s post reminded me of a true story I thought I’d share.
Two summers ago I was leaving a softball game when I witnessed the most fucked up act of nature I’ve ever experienced first hand. The softball field we play at has a little lake with a stream that flows into it. There’s always ducks and annoying Canadian geese in it (fuckin Canadians!) Anyway, on this particular night as we were walking over the bridge over the stream a duck flew and landed in the water and it was being chased by about 4 other ducks. I thought nothing of it. I just thought they were playing Duck, Duck, Goose. (I am pained by that bad joke.) But things turned nasty pretty quickly. The 4 ducks chasing were suddenly raping the other. Three of the ducks would hold the one’s wings down while the fourth took her from behind (or him, depending on if it was a homosexual rape or a heterosexual rape.) About 4 or 5 of us kinda stood there in awe, not knowing what to do. The ducks were taking turns banging this other duck. It would struggle free and then they’d get a hold of her and switch up. It went on for a good 3 or 4 minutes before the raped duck got free enough to fly away. That incident goes down with 9/11 and the space shuttle disasters as things that will be burned into my memory forever.
So, I just made a bowel movement at work. Whenever I need to make a BM I’ll only go to one bathroom and I’ll only use one particular stall. We have a men’s room that used to be a locker room. All the lockers are still there, but they took out the shower and put a toilet in there. There is still a wall separating it from the rest of the bathroom and there is still a drain on the floor, but there’s a toilet in there now. It gives me that extra privacy I desire.
Anyway, while I was sitting there, there was an ant crawling around on the floor by the drain. It was one of those miniscule ants. The ant entranced me. Charlie (the ant) must have walked the ant equivalent of a marathon while I was in there. He just kept doing circle after circle. He must have walked 30 feet while I was in there. Doesn’t sound like much, but I challenge you to shrink down 1 millionth of your current size and walk that far. I tried to put him out his misery a few times, but ants are pretty incredible when it comes to escaping the sole of your boots. Nonetheless, it reiterated my belief that if I were to be any animal, I would be a monkey.
Willy Loman’s got nothing on me! (that’s a good thing, right?)
Last night RiverDog Poker obtained it’s third customer. I’d attribute that to my masterful personal skills and my uncanny sales abilities. After 3 weeks of having no balls, I finally forced myself to go into the bar I’ve been targeting. My skills at work:
Me: Uh, hi, er, is there a, uh, manager here or something?
Bartender: No, why you looking for a job?
Me: Heh, no, not quite, well, kinda. Um, well… uh, I have a business idea I well, uhhh, I run free poker tournaments and I was kinda wantin to know if you’d be interested.
Bartender: YES! OH MY GOD, YES! The owner and me were just talking about this the other day. Now that Monday Night Football is over, we’ve been looking for something to do on Mondays and Texas Hold Em is what we wanted to do! It’s Texas Hold Em, right?
Bartender: YES! Becky, get Pat on the phone now! We’re going to call the owner now.
Me: Uh, cool.
A minute later…
Bartender: Don’t go anywhere, we’re trying to get a hold of him.
A minute later…
Bartender: OK, he wants you to call him right now. Here’s his number.
I go out to my car and call him.
Me: Hi, this is Tim, the bartender just asked me to call you.
Owner: Yeah, can you do Monday’s?
Me: Yeah, we’re free Mondays.
Owner: OK, we’ll start this Monday if that’s ok with you.
Owner: OK, you do your part in getting the word out, and we’ll add the events to our weekly ad in the paper and we have kids that hand stuff out and we’ll put it on there.
Me: Awesome. (thinking: “he has kids that hand stuff out??”” WTF does that mean??)
So, only then does he ask how much we charge and how it works. I coulda told him anything, but I’m an honest businessman. $1 million per night.
Editor's note: I just realized this bar has a website and everything! I'm gonna be big time baby!
Exactly 4 weeks from today I’ll be sitting on a beach in Punta Cana. Exactly 4 weeks from today will be Valentines Day. Exactly 4 weeks from today I’ll still be thinking about what to get my girlfriend for Valentines Day. Anyway, from what I’ve heard, no one speaks English where we’re going so we have been advised to learn some Spanish. Thanks to the good folks at Corona, I know that cerveza means beer. While most of my needs are covered by this, I figure in order to not look like an American asshole, I should speak some more. Unfortunately, I haven’t spoken Spanish since my junior year of high school. The only thing I remember from Spanish class is the first sentence I ever spoke in Spanish, “Tengo una cita con Anita.” But unless I meet a girl named Anita and we go out on a date, that’s not going to do me much good. So, I’m asking for help. I need to learn some key phrases/questions in espanol. Can anyone tell me how to say the following in Spanish? (Or even French or some other language just so I can look like I'm trying.)
What is the monkey in my bathroom’s name?
Where can I score some illegal magazines?
How does my ass look in these pants?
Was that David Lee Roth I just saw?
Where do I register for the cock fighting?
Are you a man or a woman?
Well, after a bad start to my week things have turned around. All the links fixed and new ones added. Plus I have new friends and there were lots of comments (and we all know comments make the world go round)Thanks for a good week everyone! And now on Sunday you all have to cheer for the Eagles or I'll be in a bad mood and no one will like me next week. Later!
Mr. O’D, 'incandescent with rage,' orders son to visit farm
A montage of Philly local newspapers on Friday display reaction to Tim wearing a derogatory Idaho T-shirt to a private party.
MSNBC News Services
Updated: 10:01 a.m. ET Jan. 14, 2005
PHILLY –Prince Tim, who provoked outrage by wearing an “Idaho? No Udaho?” t-shirt to a private party, is considering invitations from farming groups to visit the Idaho potato fields, a royal official said Friday. The invitations “will be given due consideration, but there are no plans at the moment,” said a spokeswoman at the office of Tim’s father, Prince Mr. O’D.
The official statement followed a Daily News newspaper report saying heir-to-the-throne Mr. O’D was “incandescent with rage” with the 29-year-old grandson of Queen Mom-mom O’Donnell and ordered him to make a private trip to the potato fields to learn more about the hicks.
The spokeswoman stressed that Tim would not attend ceremonies on Jan. 27 commemorating the liberation of the Irish Potato Famine, although the Mr. Potato Head Foundation had urged him to do so.
Tim swiftly apologized for “a poor choice of style” after royal officials learned that The Daily News newspaper was about to print a picture of the prince in a thong on its front page Thursday.
This morning in the Philadelphia Daily News there was an insert all about coffee. It said the world's most expensive coffee goes for $300/pound. And these coffee beans come from cat shit. I smelled something rotten (did I really just write that?), so I looked on the good old internet. Turns out its true .
Titso was notified yesterday she has to go to LA for the week of Jan 24th for work. (Actually Van Nuys, but isn't everything in CA within walking distance anyway?) She's allowed to stay for the weekend to sight see if she wants and she is going to. Several of the people going out have decided to stay the weekend. She wants me to fly out on Thursday for the weekend. I've been to LA before and wasn't all that impressed. Granted, my main goal while there was to go to every bar from the movie Swingers, but I wasn't impressed nonetheless. I can get a flight for around $200, which is pretty cheap. I'd go, but being that I didn't really like LA the first time, and we already have a trip to Punta Cana booked for February, do I really want to go? What's in LA besides famous people? She wants to go shopping on Rodeo Drive, which gives me 10 times the motivation to stay home.
Today I was sitting in the waiting room of my doctor's office and picked up an issue of the Main Line Magazine. The Main Line is an area of Philadelphia that a lot of rich people live in, such as Allen Iverson. This issue's topic was the Main Line's most Eligible Singles. For a second I thought I'd open it up to find and article about me, but then I remembered I don't live on the main line, and I'm not single. So, excited to check out so rich/hot/young singles I immediately flipped to the article. Much to my surprise there were 25 fat/bald/old/average looking rich people. So I said to myself, "self, try to remember to look up eligible when you get home." Here's what the definition is:
adj 1: qualified for or allowed or worthy of being chosen; "eligible to run for office"; "eligible for retirement benefits"; "an eligible bachelor" [ant: ineligible] 2: prohibited by official rules; "an eligible pass receiver"
Before opening the article I thought I was going to get singles fitting definition number 1, but apparenlty these were just 25 people prohibited by offical rules to be pass receivers.
So, I've already gone through the 5 stages of depression and I'm working on rewriting all my sidebar additions. I'm going to put up picture links to almost everyone like I had before. Some I'm going to steal from your blog, others I lost and will have to come up with something new, others I'll be too uncreative to come up with anything. If you have any preferences as to what you want me to have as the picture to your link, let me know, I'll bow down to your every command. If you want a picture of newly single Brad Pitt that links to you, thats cool, just give me the weblink. Do you have an unhealthy obsession with sweater vests and want everyone to see that here? not a problem. Did I not previously link to you but I should have? Whatever, give me your url and let me know where to find the pic. Did you just "next blog" your way here and want to be linked on the greatest (not even close) blog of all time? Right now I'm recovering from taking it in the ass and thats ok, I'll be ok, I'll do whatever you say master.
I can't stand when people come to my desk for an uncomfortable conversation. I don't really wanna talk, that's why there were 14 uncomfortable silences in our 3 minute conversation. Please go back to your own tortorous cube.
Some guy is suing Fear Factor . He says they took it too far when they ate rats. When asked why he didn't change the channel, he said he couldn't change it fast enough. Um, they promoted that segment for a week straight. Sounds to me like he definitely lost his remote. I wish I would have thought to sue people when I'm too lazy to get off the couch.
I know I’m going against the majority with this, but usually when a movie preview staring Julia Roberts and Jude Law appears on screen I blackout. It’s the visual equivalent to me drinking a case of beer in an hour. I don’t even see what the movie is about. I just have no interest in those two. I don’t particularly hate them, but I just don’t care about them. But then when Natalie Portman appears on screen I come out of my stupor. Then when they show Natalie Portman as a stripper I go black again, for just the opposite reason. You gotta love someone willing to take it all of for art. (and all you girls out there would feel the same way if it were Jude Law baring it all, you know it! admit it!)
And although I heard the nude scene was cut from the movie I think there is still g-stringage. I’ll take the small victory and pray for a directors cut.
I wish I could go on Dr. Phil's weight loss challenge because last night I lost 4 pounds in 4 minutes!
Our story begins several weeks ago when I made the conscious effort to grow a beard. After several hours of internal debate (er, seconds) I decided this was the best option for my future. The reasons were twofold. First, I hate shaving. Second, I'm lazy. It seemed like a match made in heaven.
I'm not the type of person that likes to toot my own horn (well, that depends on the meaning of that), but I'm very good at growing facial hair. If facial hair growth was an Olympic sport I'd probably finish just out of the medals behind USA soccer star Alexei Lalas, Osama1, and a long shot from Kazakhstan who's probably using growth hormones.
Anyway, last night I decided to weigh myself before shaving it all off. The match (previously) made in heaven was too itchy. So I get on the scale, I weigh myself, I shave I weigh myself again, and you guessed it: I lost 4 pounds!2 Bring on the Dr. Phil weight loss challenge! Bring on the Biggest Loser 2! And come and get me Osama!3
1. Because we all know Osama would come out of hiding to try to win this gold medal
2. By the time I actually stepped back on the scale I had forgotten what I weighed the first time, so my best guess is that I lost 4 pounds
3. No, don't. Seriously, I was just kidding
So, it didn't turn out horrible. Considering the bar has been closed for most of the last two weekends while our advertisements were up (for xmas and new years) I don't think it was too bad. I was hoping for at least 21 players and thats exactly the number we got. About 5-6 people were there playing just to support me as a friend (with another 6-8 just supporting/drinking (not playing (not making me any money!))). Most of the people that left, left saying they can't wait until next week... so I'm thinking things will build as we go along. My brother is talking with another bar this week (a huge bar in center city philly), so I'm hoping that goes well... we'll see... thanks to everyone who gave me thier confidence today, I'm sorry for being such a little bitch. If you're completely bored, check out the horrible pictures we took in the bar way too dark to take anything but close up pictures at River Dog Poker. Titso is the only girl playing (made it to the final 6 people). I'm not in any of them, my brother is the one dealing, wearing glasses at one of the few visible pictures.
I think most people that know me would agree that I’m one of the most laid back people they know. I’m quiet, I’m shy, I don’t let much bother me. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I don’t care what people think about me (because I do, everybody does no matter what they say), but when someone doesn’t want to be my best friend I try to just let it roll off my back. I never get stressed out.
Tonight’s the first night of the poker business I started with my brother. For the first time in my life I’m truly stressed out. (just ask the zit on the side of my nose that’s applying for it’s own area code.) I’ve done a lot of other things in my life that should have caused more stress than I’m feeling now, but for some reason this is the most I’ve felt it. In all actuality I’m risking no more than a few hundred dollars, but it’s not really the money I’m worried about. It’s failing. I don’t like to fail. I don’t fail. But at this point there’s not much else I can do to prevent that. In my opinion, it’s truly a good business idea. I’ve told everyone I know about it to try to get people out to help ensure success, but at the same time that may be what has stressed me out the most. It would be failing in front of everybody I know that would really kill me. I know tonight my family will be there, my friends will be there. And after tonight, success or failure, they will still be there. But with just 10 hours to go before the start of the business, it’s hard to convince myself that’s all that really matters.
(And if it is a success, I’ll have a website (or at least a blog) going by the end of the week with pictures and whatnot.)