Thursday, August 31, 2006

Typing with my eyes closed would have been hard

So, yesterday I hit Publish and started my no-reading protest. I decided that by not reading I would be protesting the inhumane killing of elephants in Chad, Africa. These innocent elephants are being killed by poachers for their sweet, sexy, delicious, ivory tusks. Upon hitting Publish I saw "Please wait while your..." and I immediately shut my eyes in protest. But, alas, I realized I was too late. And I was sure another Africana elephant just bit the dust because of my heartless act of reading. I can deal with one dead elephant, so I restarted my protest.

Three seconds later I realized I didn't proofread my post. I can't stand embarasing speling mistakes, so I sacrificed a few more dozen elephants as I went back and proofread my post. A few minutes later I realized my plight was worthless as I noticed a comment that I had to read. So, poachers: You win. Go ahead and keep on poaching. Elephants: I'm sorry I couldn't fight harder. But think of it this way: your death means someone is probably getting a really nice ivory bracelet or maybe even a sweet ass ivory chess set. Seems worth it now. Doesn't it? You greedy, self-centered, ivory-hoarding elephants.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Stop Signs

I've decided that I waste too much time reading. So, I'm quitting. Not just books, but everything. No more reading newspapers. No more reading blogs. No more reading emails. No more reading Traffic signs, menus, text messages, flash cards, keyboards, eye charts, or alphabets.

Granted, I'll end up losing my job, not knowing the score to a baseball game, losing touch with people, getting into car accidents, being bad at 3rd grade math, getting really thick glasses, and eating really bad food. But, you know what? It will all be worth it in the end. How, you ask? I'm not yet sure. I'll write when I find out.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted. Vacation, Had to Get Away.

First of all, I always thought the lyrics to Vacation were Vacation, Happy to get away.

But anyway, we're back from our week in North Carolina. It was awesome. Every vacation I ever go on is a golfing vacation or a vacation with Kym's family. I never have anyone to play with on the beach. I basically skimboard for an hour then I'm bored for the rest of the day. We went with 3 other couples and it was awesome to throw a football, toss a frisbee, play Muckers, and to bring a tennis ball into the ocean and invent a game that involves throwing the ball as hard as you can at the other guy to see who can stop it the most. And with all my family vacations, tivo was the nightly entertainment. With friends it was booze and lots of it. I've been going through withdrawl all day. The shakes are coming on strong now.

While it was a great vacation, the best day of all was yesterday, on Titso and I's one year anniversary. We woke up at 3am and got to driving. After missing a turn and losing 45 minutes, we were back on track and home by 1:15pm. 9 glourious hours of driving. Such a great anniversary, right?!? But, for real, the best thing of the past ten days was as we were giving Kenslee a bath to go out to a nice dinner. While in NC, she became a different baby. She actually took naps during the day, but she is now no longer sleeping through the night. Where she used to looove the bath, now she screamed bloody murder. We were scared she'd continue to hate the bath at home. When she got in last night she was a little hesitant, so Kym decided to try out so bath toys for the first time ever. This resulted in Kenslee's first ever laugh out loud (while awake). It melted our hearts. Kym ran to get the video camera and we caught the last few laughs on tape. I put a bootleg copy of it on the baby blog.

take note of kens' onsie. It says "Made in Italy". It's the fisrt thing I ever got for her. I had it made when we found out kym got pregnant in italy on our honeymoon.

So, I'm back, and tomorrow I work from home, alone with Kenslee for the first time. If I log on to ask for someone to come kill me, please, track me down and mercy kill me.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Tuesday, August 15, 2006


Every once in a while I stumble upon a post of somebody talking about how some other blogger they read got fired for what they wrote in their blog. It’s called being “dooced”. I’m pretty sure that’s nothing more than a reference to taking a dump. Anyway, so I really try not to talk about my work on my blog. I talk about it sometimes, but only when I’m happy about things. You can’t get fired for talking about happy things, right!? So, I’ve been trying not to complain in fear that my co-workers or bosses might find my blog and take a dump on me. But, I’m at the point that I need to vent. Venting to my wife just isn’t enough, so I need to write it down for the world to see. So, here goes:

Being a male stripper is stressful. Because that’s what I am. I don’t have a non-stressful job such as, oh I don’t know... a computer programmer. Being a computer programmer is probably a walk in the park. It’s my job as a male stripper, not a programmer, that is really stressing me out right now. It’s partially the thongs I have to wear, and partially the women throwing themselves at me that’s killing me. If I were only a computer programmer and had to do something easy like prepare and present an architectural review for all of upper management to analyze and critique, life would be simple. But no. I chose to be a stripper, and NOT a computer programmer. Life on the pole ain’t easy.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Why I gave up saving lives

Two and a half years ago I was an avid blood donor. We have regular blood drives at work and I always gave. Then one foolish phlebotomist missed my vein twice. She finally found it, but she messed my arm up so bad I couldn’t lift it above my head for 3 days. I swore off giving blood for the rest of my life. About a year ago I was over my trauma and tried to give again. But, I had been in Punta Cana, so I wasn’t allowed because of the malaria risk. So, last Wednesday was my first chance to get back in the hero business. The guy found the vein on the first try, so I thought I was good to go. On Friday my arm started to bruise and today, 5 days later, it looks like a 64 box of Crayola threw up on my elbow.

An eight inch bruise for a little prick. Or a big prick depending on how much you dislike me.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Suri Revealed! has reported that pictures of baby Suri will soon surface. I’ve been sitting on this for a while, but I think it’s time to reveal that I, like Leah Remini and all the other wackos, have seen baby Suri. I even snapped a few pictures. Here’s the little cutie at one week old!

She must have been sleeping the whole time I was there because she didn’t move. She had her eyes open, but Tommy says all good Thetans sleep with one eye open. Apparently lil Suri is an over-achiever already! Sleeps with two eyes open!

It was a few weeks between that first time and the next time I saw her. And this time I saw her she had already grown her Scientolowings! Isn’t she fantastic!

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Fidelity - Regina Spektor

I heard this song on Sirius. I bought the cd and I fell in love with the song and her. Too bad I'm happily married and I'm pretty sure she's a lesbian.

PS. Why does every youtube video's sound seem to be off?

PPS. Do you think when she was little all the mean girls called her VaGina InSpektor?

Monday, August 07, 2006

Dating and Playing. Two things my daughter will not be allowed to do.

Friday night Kym invited over some work friends for happy hour. Being the gracious host that I am, I decided to go beer for beer, shot for shot, with everyone that was there over the period of 6 hours. And, well, I was wasted. If you have a baby that wakes up at 7am and you have to get up with her, I highly suggest not getting wasted like that. But, being the great dad I am, I was up with her, fed her, and I with a little bit of luck, I got her back to sleep for a few more hours.

Later in the day she was grumpy so we decided (I was forced) to go out to the park with her. I don’t know if it’s the new playground technology, if I’m an overprotective dad, or I’m just old, but playgrounds are fuckin dangerous these days.

First, there’s the rock climbing wall thingy. Sounds innocent enough. No... actually, that sounds dangerous to begin with. Add in the chain linked, umm, chain, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. The playground looks like this:

I see this:

Yes, if I ever let her play, it would be in a pink dress with pink high heels.

Next, the slides. This one does sound innocent. And if it weren’t for the fact that the slide was literally perpendicular to the ground it would have been. The playground looks like this:

I see this:

The final deathtrap I saw was actually on the playground specifically made for the smallest of kids. It was a dinosaur looking thing with a ladder kids climb up. Except the rungs on the ladder were the perfect size for kids legs to slip between. The playground looks like this:

I see this:

And that will be why my daughter will not be allowed to leave the house and she'll have no friends.

Like me.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

I bet your dad could beat up this dad.

Last night I took my lovely wife to go see the Broadway production of The Lion King. Well, we went to the Philly version of the Broadway production of The Lion King. Tickets for this thing went on sale last year and I got tickets for Kym for Christmas. So, she's been looking forward to it for 8 months now. On Monday I had a softball playoff game and if I won, the next game was last night, but we suck and we lost, so I got stuck going to see some fruity play. I've only been to one other show in my life: Stomp. It gave me a headache.

The show starts with some lady screaming in African (is African a language?) and the stage fills up with all these slightly disturbing looking people prancing around in extravagant animal outfits singing about some "Circle of Life" or whatever. It was big and beautiful and loud and bright and I thought to myself, "I wonder if Chase Utley got a hit yet."

So, Simba is born and the kid who plays young Simba is actually entertaining and I'm enjoying it. blah, blah, blah, and we met Simba's evil uncle Scar. He's not all that scary, but when he leads Simba to the elephant graveyard with the hyenas, it's actually a little frightening. I'd say about 20% of the audience was kids and I can only image a lot of them were scared. We go through the show and there's a lot of boring scenes, and there's several scary scenes with the two main bad-evil hyenas, and the dopey sidekick hyena, Ed. Fast forward, Scar and hyenas are removed from power, Simba's king, we go home and get our daughter from my parents house after not seeing her for longer than either of us have gone in two months.

We go home, I see Chase Utely got two hits, I go to sleep. And I have nightmares. Nightmares about two evil guys who beat and kill people and have a dopey sidekick, Ed. And they kill Ed and they start chasing me and I wake up and I have to pee and I realize how much of a pussy I am. The End.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006


I try to post a simple picture of a starburst man screwing a leprechaun and you all start sticking your noses in my business looking at all the other pictures on my desk. So, here they are.

On the far right is a picture of me skydiving from about 5 years ago. This isn't the actual picture, but I have a whole roll of them, so I scanned in a different one.

The "topless" picture is from our wedding. It's one of my favorite pictures and I don't remember it being taken. At our wedding we had those stupid table cameras where we had 500 pictures developed and this is the only one I'll ever look at again. I think it was Kym's cousin taking a picture as a joke because they were faking being so excited that we came to visit them. I love the happiness that lights up her face and I'm perfectly caught in the background drinking my captian and coke and being amused by the seemingly mischevious happenings.

This is another one I don't remember being taken. I love the look on Kenslee's face. She looks so contently bored. I think this was the day she came home from the hospital when she was still just a little peanut. It's in a "Daddy and Me" frame.

And obviously the last picture is my boy.