Monday, August 07, 2006

Dating and Playing. Two things my daughter will not be allowed to do.

Friday night Kym invited over some work friends for happy hour. Being the gracious host that I am, I decided to go beer for beer, shot for shot, with everyone that was there over the period of 6 hours. And, well, I was wasted. If you have a baby that wakes up at 7am and you have to get up with her, I highly suggest not getting wasted like that. But, being the great dad I am, I was up with her, fed her, and I with a little bit of luck, I got her back to sleep for a few more hours.

Later in the day she was grumpy so we decided (I was forced) to go out to the park with her. I don’t know if it’s the new playground technology, if I’m an overprotective dad, or I’m just old, but playgrounds are fuckin dangerous these days.

First, there’s the rock climbing wall thingy. Sounds innocent enough. No... actually, that sounds dangerous to begin with. Add in the chain linked, umm, chain, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. The playground looks like this:



I see this:




Yes, if I ever let her play, it would be in a pink dress with pink high heels.


Next, the slides. This one does sound innocent. And if it weren’t for the fact that the slide was literally perpendicular to the ground it would have been. The playground looks like this:



I see this:



The final deathtrap I saw was actually on the playground specifically made for the smallest of kids. It was a dinosaur looking thing with a ladder kids climb up. Except the rungs on the ladder were the perfect size for kids legs to slip between. The playground looks like this:




I see this:




And that will be why my daughter will not be allowed to leave the house and she'll have no friends.

Like me.

21 comments:

Melissa said...

I'm just curious as to how Kenslee got such an awesome tan by the fourth drawing and how only her head and arms got tanned. Are you going to make her wear pantyhose all the time? And if you're such a protective dad, where's the sunscreen?

Tim said...

Apparently as the day went along she got more tan. I meant to put lotion on her but I forgot. Just like you forgot to ever send her the cd you supposedly made for her. She's still pissed at you.

Leezer said...

Timophil:
First, when you have a newborn you CAN'T get a hangover because that little crying machine DOES. NOT. CARE that you have a headache.

And I'm glad I'm not the only paranoid new parent who visualized all the ways my wee little angel could get hurt on the playground. I think it might get worse before it gets better. When Georgia was about 2 1/2 a 5 year old wouldn't let her go down the slide. I kept telling Georgia to push right past her but she wouldn't. Finally I yelled at the kid who ran to he Mom and Dad to tell them how mean I was to her. What did I do? What any self-respecting person would do. I ran away.

Chuck said...

Damn, those places sure seem dangerous. Have you considered one of those bubble things like Johnny Travolta lived in in that movie? That should keep her safe!

Melissa said...

Um, I'm actually putting it in the mail today, really I am. I have like four packages that need to be mailed out so please tell her I'm sorry and that I'm just really lame when mailing stuff.

Paticus said...

Thanks for the Public Service Announcemnt on the dangers of parks, my children will now never leave the house. You are a true American hero. God bless you.
Also, is Bore-a-phil from "Billy Madison" ?

Lulu said...

When I was a kid my local park was called the Mushroom Park.

Think what you will.

babyjewels said...

beware the library. it's a treasure trove of paper cuts.

Tim said...

vof - I'd have smacked the little punk

chuck - brilliant idea!!

mel - uh huh...

pat - yes, it's from billy madison

lulu - that explains a lot

bj - thanks for the advice. I'll never let her learn to read!

Brookelina said...

Bill Cosby had an old routine - back when he was young and funny - about how parents purposely made playgrounds dangerous to kill off the kids.

Ok it's funny when he does it.

Leezer said...

Timophil:
Billy Madison is one of my favorite movies of all time. I love the part where he's in the bathtub making his shampoo bottles talk then fight. I replay that part and it cracks me up every time. I'm just a 14 year old boy on the inside, I guess.

miss kendra said...

you know that's exactly what playgrounds are like.

trust me, i have the scars to prove it.

( i got 29 stitches from a swing.)

Christopher said...

This is why I don't want kids. I'm a big enough worrier as it is!

TinaPoPo said...

You didn't even mention pedophiles or kidnappers lurking in vans. If the kid survies the death trop that is the playground, he or she are bound to be snared by one of those bastards.

Funqi said...

You should BUILD her a baby-safe playground in your backyard - then you don't have to worry about any of that stuff - there's a project for you. Where's Kym? I have to tell her this now.

TinaPoPo said...

Also, if I may, I love how Kenslee makes it all the way to the top of the ladder thingy, and then manages to stand proudly on the stump of a leg she has left. She's really ambitious.

Tim said...

brooke - back in the good ole days. Now cosby is a grumpy old man who hates black people.

vof - shampoo good, conditioner betta.

mk - I was going to say the swings were the only safe things there, but if you insist...

chris - everynight if I wake up and don't hear her, I assume she's dead so I have to make sure she's breathing. Being a dad makes you crazy.

tpp - kids are lucky if they only get snared by pedophiles.

funqi - her "playground" would be a hole with some dirt in it.

tpp - You can't tell by just this picture, but she's also dancing and singing "It's a hard knock life" from Annie.

Conti said...

haha this was the perfect tim post to come back to, after my week vacation. great jerb!

Oh great One said...

Yep this confirms it. When you become a parent the world looks completely different.

Oh great One said...

This post made my daughter giggle like crazy. Just thought you should know. You could be hip with the 10 year old crowd.

Jazz said...

OMG you are to funny! I thought I was bad with my kids, but you are wayyy worse. Just imagine, my son (will be 5 this month) is playing tackle football! I'm about to have a heart attack just thinking of all the horrible things that can happen.