Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Did you guys hear???

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are Happy.

No, seriously, they're really happy together.

This is like true love, they're happy!

You may not belive this unlikely couple, but Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are happy together.

Hot off the presses: Tom and Katie are happy!

True Happiness found!

Tom gushes over Katie!

Man pukes!

The Summer of Tim

Today is the first day of “Casual Summer.” We got a memo last week that from Memorial Day to Labor Day we don’t have to wear grown-up clothes to work. We can wear shorts, t-shirts, bikinis, whatever we want. AND, being the grammar expert that I is, I noticed a loophole in the memo. They never once mentioned having to change our clothes, shower, or brush our teeth all summer. So, not only do I not have to wear pesky shirts with collars, I don’t have to burden myself with changing my underwear. I won’t have to do laundry all summer, I won’t have to shower, and I won’t have to waste water, time, and effort brushing my teeth. So all summer long I get the freedom of wearing my unitard, my water bill will plummet, and Crest will be virtually crippled. This summer is going to KICK ASS!!

Something Good

I wish I had something good to write.

I wish I would write something and people would be excited and they’d all be like “Oh Tim, you’re so great.” And I’d be like “No, I suck.” Then they’d be like “No, I love you.” And I’d be like “Aww, that’s very nice of you.” And they’d be like “No seriously, I love you.” And I’d be like “Thanks, you’re very kind.” Then they’d be like “No, Tim, listen to me, I love you.” And I’d be like “Um, ok.” Then they’d be like “Tim, you’re having my baby.” Then I’d be like “I’ve never even met you.” Then they’d be like “Remember that time I said I was reading your stuff and I laughed so hard I orgasmed?” And I’d be like “Ewww, No.” And they’d be like “Well, I did, and I got pregnant.” And I’d be like “That doesn’t even make sense. Plus, you’re a man. Men don’t get pregnant.” And they’d be like “Tim, you’re not listening! You never listen to me!!” And I’d be like “Um… I gotta go now.” And they’d be like “You can run, but you can’t hide! I'll find you!!”

Yeah, I wish I had something good to write.

Friday, May 27, 2005

Ahhhh.. there’s nothing like a margarita at lunch with the boss before a 3 day weekend.

Except sitting at work for 3 hours after that margarita kinda blows.

have a good weekend!

Thursday, May 26, 2005

A Ruff Life

If I were a bomb-sniffing dog I’d retire. In my retirement I’d probably play a lot of golf. At first I would struggle to swing the club because I wouldn’t have any thumbs, but if I were smart enough to sniff bombs out, I’m sure I’d be smart enough to hit a stupid white ball. I’d be able to hit it pretty far too. I’m sure farther than any other golfing dogs out there.

My main downfall would probably be sand traps. I would concentrate really hard to hit a good shot, but eventually I would give in and just dig holes in the sand. Then I’m sure my tail would taunt me and I’d chase that round and round until I got tired and laid down for a nice rest.

When the girl that drives the cart around selling beers drove up to me I’d quickly drop my club and pretend to be a stupid non-golf playing dog. I’d trot up to her and stick my nose in places normal people don’t get to stick their noses. But to me she would just giggle and rub my head and maybe smack my ass. Man, do bomb-sniffing dogs have it made or what?

(This post was subconscioulsy inspired by Blog Ho's "If I" posts that crack me up.)

Non Candaian worship begins now!

Congratulation blond chick! First it was Kelly Clarkson, then some fat black guy who never did anything, then some short haired black chick that never did anything. I’m sure you’ll be just as unsuccessful as them!

I just thought of something

Wednesday, May 25, 2005


Maybe I’ll have buffalo chicken pizza for lunch.
Maybe I’ll work hard after lunch.
Maybe I won’t drink tonight.
Maybe I’ll lie on the sofa and watch Lost all night.
Maybe I’ll win $180 million tonight.
Maybe I’ll get to bed before 2am.
Maybe our house will sell now that they FINALLY put a For Sale sign up after being on the market for 9 days.
Maybe I’ll get into shape before my wedding.
Or maybe not.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

I'd be the first actor in space and I'd love to do it.

Mr. Cruise, I think you're already there. This interview is about a month old, but I love when dummy celebrities say stupid things and get called out on it. This was an interview with Tom Cruise and Steven Spielberg talking about War of the Worlds...

SPIEGEL: We visited one of your locations near Los Angeles and were amazed to find a fully staffed tent of the Scientology organization right next to the food tents for the journalists and extras.

Cruise: What were you amazed about?

SPIEGEL: Why do you go so extremely public about your personal convictions?

Cruise: I believe in freedom of speech. I felt honored to have volunteer Scientology ministers on the set. They were helping the crew. When I'm working on a movie, I do anything I can to help the people I'm spending time with. I believe in communication.

SPIEGEL: The tent of a sect at someone's working place still seems somewhat strange to us. Mr. Spielberg, did that tent strike you as unusual?

Spielberg: I saw it as an information tent. No one was compelled to frequent it, but it was available for anybody who had an open mind and was curious about someone else's belief system.

Cruise:The volunteer Scientology ministers were there to help the sick and injured. People on the set appreciated that. I have absolutely nothing against talking about my beliefs. But I do so much more. We live in a world where people are on drugs forever. Where even children get drugged. Where crimes against humanity are so extreme that most people turn away in horror and dismay. Those are the things that I care about. I don't care what someone believes. I don't care what nationality they are. But if someone wants to get off drugs, I can help them. If someone wants to learn how to read, I can help them. If someone doesn't want to be a criminal anymore, I can give them tools that can better their life. You have no idea how many people want to know what Scientology is.

SPIEGEL: Do you see it as your job to recruit new followers for Scientology?

Cruise: I'm a helper. For instance, I myself have helped hundreds of people get off drugs. In Scientology, we have the only successful drug rehabilitation program in the world. It's called Narconon.

SPIEGEL: That's not correct. Yours is never mentioned among the recognized detox programs. Independent experts warn against it because it is rooted in pseudo science.

Cruise: You don't understand what I am saying. It's a statistically proven fact that there is only one successful drug rehabilitation program in the world. Period.

SPIEGEL: With all due respect, we doubt that.

SPIEGEL, you had me at hello.

In case you were considering it

Staying out until about 1:30am on a Monday night and waking up at 7am is not a good idea.

Monday, May 23, 2005


So, obviously blogs have tainted my once shining work ethic. I can’t go one measly day without blogging several times.

So, titso is in St. Louis all week for work. I don’t know what to do tonight. Go play poker, or go home and relax.

Poker pluses: Poker is fun. I’d have to go to a new bar since my life was threatened at my previous Monday night game and going to a new place might make it better. I have nothing better to do.

Poker minuses: The only game that I’d go to play at is a good half hour from home (but 10 minutes from work so I can go there right after the gym). Going to a new place solo may also suck.

Home pluses: I can watch Deadwood. Got the 1st season and watched the 1st five episodes this weekend. Can run around the house naked if I want.

Home minuses: Boring. We have a showing of our house from 7-8, so I can’t go home until at least 8 anyway. I’ll never make myself dinner anyway.

Oh the life of a temporarily single man… so many choices (not really), so little time… I wish I had friends that did anything other than sit home.
I gotta do some work this week.

No, seriously, I do.

Shut up, I'm working!

Stop looking at me.

You're breaking my concentration!

Friday, May 20, 2005

Oh what a relief it is

Today Madison’s favorite son wrote about the first time he masturbated, so I tried to remember mine. I really can’t. All I can remember is I used to try to program myself to wake up in the middle of wet dreams. I think my first time ever was when I woke up just before the wet dream and finished it myself.

But anyway, I do remember a funny story about raging boners as an 11 year old. I was at a friend’s house at the beach for the weekend and we were bored. His brother was about 13 and was into getting drunk by then (yes we started early) and he suggested we play quarters. But since his parents were around we couldn’t drink alcohol, so when someone made a shot they could pick someone else to either down a Big Gulp of water, or a shot glass which was half water and half iced tea mix. We played for about a half hour and in that half hour I drank about 4 shots of the sugary mix and 5 Big Gulps of water.

For some reason the large amount of water pressed oddly against my 11 year old abdomen and gave me a boner I couldn’t get rid of. We were done playing and I had to piss like you couldn’t believe. I knew I couldn’t piss with my ‘situation’ so I tried to wait it out. It only got worse. After about 10 minutes I probably could have cut glass with it. Plus I was seconds away from pissing myself. So, I gave in and ran to the bathroom. I tried to push it down to aim at the toilet, but it resisted. So I decided to be a girl and sit down to pee. The relief of going practically caused an orgasm, but the boner never ceased. After my 5 minute piss, I stood up and stood right in a puddle. I don’t know how, but I didn’t realize that I was pointed right between the bowl and the seat. I emptied 5 big gulps of piss on the bathroom floor.

I did my best to mop it up with the napkins and tissue paper in the bathroom, but I never was invited back to the beach house.


I tivoed the Britney show the other day and got around to watching it. And, well, I fell in love. With Peggy Lee. Britney puts a cd in when they’re driving around and Is that all There Is? plays. What a great song. If I weren’t such a cheap and lazy bastards I’d order that cd. I think my liking of that makes me partially gay and it’s probably what prompted the googling of me sucking someone off.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Dear google,
It's all fun and games until you start to get personal. "Tim sucked my dick last night"?? Who told you?!?


Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Too hot to handle

If I were a mannequin I’d try to bang a Victoria’s Secret mannequin. I was in the store tonight and those stiffs are hot! While Titso was in line I snuck off and tried to take a chance. I know I’m getting married this summer, but the grass is always greener, right? So I first walked up to the oriental mannequin in the black thong.

“Hi I’m Tim,” I started with, “do you come here often?”


“So, I’m a computer programmer,” I bragged. “Sometimes I complain about my eyes hurting from staring at a computer all day, but I can’t imagine the pain you must be in from posing in the same position for 24 hours a day. How about me and you sneak out of here and I give you a foot massage.”


I know girls always accept foot massages, so I deducted she only speaks Japanese. I pretended someone was calling my cell to look important and I walked away. Over to the slutty redheaded mannequin in the sexy school teacher glasses and white nightie.

I pulled out my A material: “I know they say ‘Guys don’t make passes at girls with glasses’, but I can tell you’re near sighted because I can see that you sight me near you tomorrow morning. What do you think?”


So I presumed she doesn’t like joking around so I got straight to the point. “So, does the carpet match the drapes?”


The mannequins at Victoria’s Secret may be hot, but they’re total snobs.

I'm sorry

To the guy (or girl) or reached my site looking for "bananas covered in cum", I apologize. I'll try to get some of those up asap.


Tonight was one of the most entertaining nights of my life for about 2 minutes. I told you all about my getting screwed last night with poker and most of you told me how I should have flipped out more than I did. I knew not to because people warned me that the bar owner would screw me and all thier warnings came true tonight at around 8:45pm est.

I was sitting at our other bar playing poker when my phone rang. I didn't pick it up in time, but I saw it was a number I never saw before. About 10 minutes later my phone rang again and here is just about the most exact conversation that I can remember in my adreneline induced state:


Tim: "Hello"
prick: "is this Tim?"
Tim: "yeah, this is Tim."
Prick: " This is Prickface from the Prickface's bar... (all future caps are denoted by top of the lungs screaming) FUCK YOU! YOU WANT TO FUCK WITH ME?!? YOU'RE FUCKING WITH THE WRONG PERSON, I'LL PUNCH YOUR FACE IN!!!"

Tim :"Huh? What are you talking about?!?"
Prick: "I'LL KILL YOU!! I'LL COME TO ANYTOWN (town where I live and run Tuesday night poker) RIGHT NOW AND PUNH YOUR FACE IN!!"
Tim: "Well, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about!"
Tim: "OK, whatever, I'd never step foot in that bar again anyway"
Tim:" Don't worry about it!"

This was about 2-3 minutes of top of the lung screaming about how he was going to kill me or punch my face in. The dude was totally psycho. It shocked me at first then made me laugh. Who goes crazy like that??? He cracked me up.

ok, so if I ever blog again with a punched in face, you'll all know why. This guy is fucking nuts. Crack and cokehead I guess. funny too because if he came to the town I live in to the bar we ran it at tonight to punch my face in I had 15 guys that would have murdered him. In retrospect I really wish he showed up tonight.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005


I just realized I haven't changed my underwear in two days. I wore running shorts to the gym last night and put my underwear back on after a shower. I didn't change them this morning. Thats all for now.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Note to Self:

When extremely pissed off, do not play online poker. It only gets you more pissed.

Well, I got fucked tonight. I wish literally, but I mean figuratively. I walked into the bar to set up for poker and someone was already there setting up. The Not As Cute As She Thinks waitress walked up to me and said, sorry prickface (aka, the owner) said they weren't making any money so they're switching. First of all thats a total fucking lie because the bartender (who's cousin it is that died last week) has told me they make tons of money. Second of all, what kind of fucking asshole just has someone show up to take your place without telling me. (and it's not even the assholes that I wrote were trying to take our place last week.) In a stunned moment all I could say is "Thats total fucking bullshit." and walked out. My brother pulled up and I told him and we stood by his car in shocked silence trying to determine what to do. After 10 minutes NACAST comes out and says "What are you guys doing?" We say "We're just talking about how fucked over we just got." She says "You're not waiting for people to show up to tell them not to go in are you?" We tell her to fuck off and we're just talking about how much bullshit this is. She tells us the owner bought his own stuff and he didn't have our phone numbers. Meanwhile the guy has called me about 6 times in the past. She then drives off (presumably to go get her big boyfriend she breaks up with every week) and two other waitresses come out. One asks "Are you guys loitering?" We tell her to fuck off we're just talking. She warns us not to cause problems. My brother asks her who the fuck she is before she tells us she's the bartender taking my friend's place while he's at the funeral and we finally get in our cars and leave.

We've been coming into that bar for the past 15 weeks building a following getting more and more people, staying later for people to play side games when we don't have to and basically being friends with every person that walks inthere. We were the bartenders and waitresse best fucking friends for the past 15 weeks bringing them more monday night business then they'd have gotten if they were giving free blowjobs. All that and the owner doesn't even give us the common courtesy of a phone call. Fuck him. Fuck you. Fuck everybody.

Britney and Kevin: Chaotic!

Who else is pumped up?? anyone?

Downer post

Last night I went to a viewing of one of my best friend’s 20 year old cousin. He was out celebrating the end of his semester at college and was at a bar with a friend. When the friend went to the bathroom he left him there and walked home alone. His parents were picking him up Sunday and he was nowhere to be found when they got there. Apparently on his walk home he tried to take a shortcut, fell into a ravine, hit his head on a rock and drown. His body was found on Tuesday morning.

I showed up for the viewing at the same time as my younger brother and we waited the two and a half hours to get to the front of the line together. The line was even longer when we left than when we got there. There had to have been over two thousand people there. I haven’t seen the kid in about 15 years, but from what I’ve heard about him he seems to have been just like my little brother. The one thing that really got to me was the picture of him in his Terrell Owens jersey since my little brother has the same one.

You probably can’t tell from reading my blog, but I’m a ginormous pussy. I’ll surely cry like a little bitch at my wedding and I got really choked up thinking about anything ever happening to my brothers and seeing how his brothers were dealing with it. Life’s too short, have fun, smile, look at porn, look at starburst porn, get laid.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Too many Guinnesseses!

I finally got around to loading all the pictures I took in Ireland. A weird thing happened. I saw things in the pictures I never noticed when I took them. I'm not sure if it's one of those ghost situations or if they were all there and I was just drunk. Take a look for yourself:

(as always all pictures can be clicked on for the full version)

This first picture was the first golf course we played at. When I took the picture I saw nothing. When I loaded it on my PC, it turns out there was a leprachaun following me around the course.

Walking through the town of Killarney later that day I didn't see him... but he was there. And he met a naked woman.

The next day if I would have only turned around, I would have seen them.

This little castle was on one of the courses. I must have stepped right over them.

The tv above the bathtub I told you about? Must see tv.

Finally, a picture in which they didn't appear.

Until I zoomed in on the boat!

Caught in the act

I just clicked to bring up The Superficial when a girl walking by my cube said “Oh, I like that color." I played it dumb, acting like I didn’t know what she meant. She persisted, “That color you just had up on your screen, what was it?” I said “Oh, that was just a website.” She said, “It was pretty, what was it?” I stupidly brought the site up. She panicked saying “What.. that. Uh, jeez” then she walked away as I looked at my screen full of mostly naked girl advertisements. But it is a pretty purple background, isn’t it?

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Yesterday when I went to Sam Goody to pick up the new Weezer cd the really creepy sales dude singled me out in line and said “I see you only have one item, if you want to purchase another I’ll give you 20% off.” Sounded like a pickup line to me, but it worked. I looked around and decided on the Jackson 5 Ultimate Collection. Really, I did. So, I bought it and creepy guy showed me how he took the 20% off and told me “I don’t offer 20% off to everybody you know. But I saw you standing there and thought I’d like to see you smile.” Then he said some other creepy stuff, but I didn’t hear it because I was trying to find the closest exit in case he tried to touch me. I paid and got out of there as quickly as possible and washed the skeeve off me.

So, I’m listening to the cd now. Michael was 12 when they did ABC and I Want You Back and I have to say those songs kick ass. Whatever happened to 12 year old prodigies like him? You know, besides Lil’ Bow Wow.

knock knock

For the past two days someone linked my starburst porn on an xbox message board, and on a retro radio message board. But, they're both private message boards I can't get into. Let me in bitches!!
I just got back to my desk after lunch and started working (bloging) when I heard the faint sound of “Oh Mickey what a pity you don’t understand…” I stood up and walked towards a coworker’s desk and sure enough his cube was empty and his headphones were lying there blaring, and I mean BLARING, the 80’s hit Mickey. Apparently my local weatherman is a huge Toni Basil fan.

echo echo echo

The guy in the cube next to me got laid off for “personal reasons” a few weeks ago. The girl in the cube across from me has her last day next week. The other side of me is the printer, so I’m basically going to be all alone next week. I wonder if I smell. I wonder if this will now allow me to take George Costanzaesque naps under my desk. Except in my underwear. I can’t sleep with pants on.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005


I know no one else has probably noticed, but the imageshack hosted pics on what I think was my best blog post ever were all broken. I finally got off my piece of shit lazy ass and rehosted them.

Did you get the memo?

Someone just told titso that I look like a "goody 2 shoes" and I don't look like the kind of guy that would go running around with "flousies". Apparently somebody forgot to tell me it's 1955.

Weezer came out today!



Did you ever get a zit in your eye cavity? Not really in your eye cavity, just kinda right below your eyebrow. When you look in the mirror you can't even really see it, but when you're looking at people it feels so big that it feels like you're wearing an eye patch. Ever get one? didja? They suck.

I choose Business Ethics

Last night was our biggest night ever for our poker business. But we also found out a different poker company is trying to take over the bar we run it at. That company starts their events tonight at the bar. That company can suck my dick.

Monday, May 09, 2005


Since Chick asked for me to write about my trip, I will, although I will warn you it makes for boring reading. The flights played two movies both ways, Electra and Ocean’s 12 on the way over and Oceans 12 and Little Black Book on the way home. Being that I’m partially gay, Little Black Book was the only movie I watched. Like every good train wreck, it was horrible, but I was glued to to it. I tried Ocean’s 12, but it put me to sleep.

The hotel we stayed in was ridiculous. Three plasma tv’s in our room. One of which rose out of the foot of the bed, another was built into the wall in the bathroom to watch while in the tub, the third above the fire place. One of the guests of the hotel had a private helicopter parked out back to fly to all the courses instead of driving. I hate assholes.

The golf was good. I played well for 3 days, my dad didn’t do so well. We missed a 1st place finish on one of the days by one stroke. Two of the days had steady 30mph winds with 50-60mph gusts. Wasn’t the best golfing weather, but it was Ireland, so it’s what I expected. The courses were amazingly beautiful.

Drinking. Started right after golf everyday and ended between midnight and 3am depending on what was going on. A majority of the people in the Father Son tourney were guys my dad’s age, with their dads. There were two or three guys my age and one guy that was 21 I was hanging with. They were cool, but I missed my brother to hang out with. Guinness is hands down a better beer in Ireland than it is here, but I was drinking Harp and Carlsberg most of the time.

All in all it was a good trip. I enjoyed hanging out with just my dad, but it’s just not the same as taking a family vacation. I took a ton of pictures and will try to get some posted later this week when I’ve got some time at home to load them.
Ever go on vacation, then come back and feel like working even less than before you went on vacation?

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

what up ladies?

I'm drunk. I suck at golf. I touch myself when I think of you.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Bloggin from Ireland

I'm such a loser. But, I can't sleep and the internet is free, so whatdaya expect me to do at 3am? I'm having trouble adjusting to the time, I've done nothing but sleep for the past 24 hours, and it feels great to just sleep, but sleeping on planes and buses ain't comfy. I got nothing to say, I'm just bored. I wish the pubs were still open. I wonder if they allow porn on this computer... only one way to find out... see ya later.