Thursday, March 30, 2006

For the first time

in a while, a little piece of me got excited looking at HNT pictures. Does it show?

Question mark? Exclamation point!

Hey Guys! What’s up? Do you think I can write an entire post without using a period? I do! Remember how I said I might work from home today? Well, I am and it rocks! Remember how I said I wouldn’t post anything today? Well, I am! Suckers! It’s not funny though is it? Oh well, screw you all! Back to work, woohoo!


I may or may not have clicked on your blog. I did not comment. I read a comment you may or may not have left on my blog, but I did not comment back. I may or may not work tomorrow. I will work from home if I do. I will not post something funny.

(I can not concentrate. I am semi-drunk after my fantasy draft. 14 teams in the league. 1. Helton 2. Figgins ss. Crosby 3. ARod c. R. Hernandez. of Damon of. Mench of. Winn dh. Swisher ptiching staff. Whitesox. bench. WillyMo bench. Kotchman. bench. Kinsler.)

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

sorry I didn't post anything today.

I didn't post anything because I got busy.

Get it? I "got busy"!

*wink wink*

*nudge nudge*

*I'm lying lying*

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Caught Red(?) Handed

I went to lunch and a couple porn stars were on The Howard Stern show. They brought in some sort of orgasm machines. Upon arriving back at work, one of the performers was, well, performing. I parked and for some reason couldn’t turn off the radio. I didn’t notice them coming, but a group of people walked directly next to my car as the porn star was mid-orgasm. I listen to the radio loud. I got a dirty look from one of the walkers. I gave my "dirty" look back, but they kept on walking.

Monday, March 27, 2006

I wrote a silent movie this weekend.

Here's a scene:

A man is sitting on a rock in the desert. He’s an attractive man, but the type of man who doesn’t rely on his good looks to get ahead in life. A second man approaches.

Man 1:

Man 2:

Man 1:

Man 2:

Man 1:

Man 2:

Man 1:

Man 2:

Man 1:


Friday, March 24, 2006

Let's give em something to talk about

Ok, Today I’ll tell the story about how I lost my anal virginity. I’ll start by saying it was the longest day ever. That’s right, it was Summer Solstice, June 21. It was a Saturday and I had a morning appointment for my monthly rectal bleaching. Things in my life were going good up until this point. While my friend was totally rocking the free world, I had been totally rocking the world people pay for. Not only was all this rocking going on, but it had been a good week so far because William Hung had been on American Idol earlier in the week. It was history in the making and I was living it up.

Anyway, back to my story. This is the point in the story that we talk about Roller Derby Chicks. When I got to my appointment the entire Philadelphia Roller Derby team was in line in front of me. I knew it was going to be a long wait, but it was worth it because today was free hand job with purchase day at the rectal bleaching office.

After my 13 hour wait, it was my turn. I went into the back room where I dropped trough and got on all fours like Britney Spears giving birth. At first it felt like every other rectal bleaching I’ve had: icy smooth with a side of jalapeno. But after an hour of this, I noticed my rectum was bleeding, so I turned around and saw Clint Howard giving me the business. I was shocked at first, but then I realized it was fine because he’s kinda hot.

I should have stopped him because, well, I ended up pregnant. As I was leaving the office we discussed what we wanted to name the baby. There were really no names either of us felt extremely strong about that the other didn’t like. As a matter of fact, we couldn’t pick a boys name at all. But, it turned out ok because I, in fact, was not pregnant. I had just eaten a bad corn dog.

The End.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Who is going to get kicked off American Idol tonight?

Here's the order I think they should get kicked off:

1. That one 12 year old douchebag who looks like an alien and thinks he’s a sex symbol.
2. That one douchebag with long hair and two teeth
3. That one half-blackish chick who I’ve fast forwarded through every single time she’s on screen.
4. That giant black chick who’s so pretentious she goes by one name: Douchebag
5. That annoying stupid chick that looks like Filan.
6. That doucebag with a great voice who looks like he cuts his own hair, performs his own dental work, and wears his own spock ears.
7. Mr. I’m So Sexy With My Long Hair And My Stare Into The Camera Douchebag
8. That elfish black chick who’s talking voice makes me want to poke my eyes out
9. That 55 year old douchebag with Tourettes Syndrome.
10. That hot bitch
11. Chris

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Who got kicked off the amazing race last night?

If you write about that, you'll get tons of hits. People love to not watch that show.

Baby shower was good. No wife beaters, just a gift cert. to babies r us. Very nice. Oh, and cake. Everyone loves cake.

Baby shower tonight! Check your mullet at the door.

When I got in this morning I was in a good mood. I’m not a morning person and I was in an hour earlier than usual today. The reason I’m in a good mood today is because I have bowling league tonight. I’m the sub and they haven’t needed me in about 3 months. I’m excited to bowl, and tonight at bowling: A surprise bowling baby shower for Titso!! I imagine the baby will get such things as; used multi-colored Velcro shoes, cigarettes, spray-on shoe cleaner, a mustache, plastic cups of beer, and maybe some dirty bowling alley cologne. We’re going to have the white-trashyiest baby on the block!

Monday, March 20, 2006

7 Things I don't really care about right now

1. Religion

2. Politics

3. Blogging

4. Money

5. Food

6. Drink

7. Air

3 Things I kinda care about right now


2. Fantasy Baseball Draft Preperations
3. Sleep

1 Annoying thing

1. This post's numbering not working.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Movin on Up

Since I switched managers I had to move cubes. Today was moving day. I can’t believe they picked St. Patty’s Day of all days to move, but oh well. Doing it drunk might be fun. So, I just finished the move. What do you think of the new digs?

Looks nothing like the old ones, do they?

The Truths dot com

I was once choked so bad my eyes bled. I was about 3 or 4 years old. My bedroom was on the third floor of our house and it was freezing up there in the winter. We used to sleep with sleeping bags on top of our comforters and my sleeping bag still had that string on it used to tie it when you rolled it. I woke not able to breath and tried to go tell my parents. I was young and scared and didn’t notice the string was wrapped around my neck so I was dragging the sleeping bag behind me as I tried to walk. I got to the steps and couldn’t go any farther and was choking/trying to scream and my brother woke up. My nose and eyes were bleeding by the time my parents got to me. The only thing I remember about the incident was standing at the top of the stairs trying to scream when my brother woke up.

I’ve never gotten stitches below the neck. Just in my head.

I spent three weeks in a neck brace from diving in a pool when I was 13. I dove off the diving board and as soon as I hit the water I couldn’t move my neck. I sprained it and spent a few weeks in a neck brace.

I’ve never broken a bone below the waist. I’ve broken my arm twice and wrist once. Bruised ribs, sprained ankles, but never broken a leg foot or ankle.

I broke an arm when it was run over by a kid on a bike. As much as I wish the Red Rover story was true it’s not. I think people may have picked this one if I specified I broke an arm when I tripped over a whiffleball which was attached to a string which was attached to a kid’s bike who then rode over my arm. For some reason we thought it would be a fun game to tie a whiffleball to a string and tie the string to the back of the bike and the object of the game was to kick the whiffleball as someone rode the bike around. You know those movies where someone sets a trap in the woods where if you step in it, it grabs your leg and throws you up in the tree? The kind of thing that would never happen in real life? Well, that pretty much happened to me. The string wrapped around my ankle and I was immediately upended as he was turning around and I’m not really sure if my arm broke when it hit the ground or when he ran over it.

I’ve had Chlymadia.

Half of my toenails have fallen off. Two and a half years ago I ran the Philadelphia marathon. I never ran more than 5 miles before deciding to train for that. My feet didn’t do too well. A few toenails fell off in training. A few fell off after the race. They all grew back.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

IIIII want to be a supermodel

Titso and I (really just Titso) are selling points on our wedding photographer's newly designed website.

If you want to check them out, you have to click on Galleries - Wedding 1 - then we're pics 4,6,8, and 10 if the thumbnails were numbered as such:

1 2
3 4
5 6
7 8
9 10

America's Next Top Model here I come!

The Truth Hurts

Sticking with the theme of pain/sickness and half truths, one out of every two statements is true. Tell me which ones are true. (I know I've talked about some of these before)

I was once choked so bad my eyes bled.
I’ve had the Heimlich maneuver performed on me.

Within the past two years I gave myself a papercut so bad I cried (teared up).
I’ve never gotten stitches below the neck.

I was a swimmer for 14 years of my life…
I spent three weeks in a neck brace from diving in a pool when I was 13.
I sprained my shoulder trying to hang onto a starting block when I false started during a race when I was 16.

I’ve broken 7 bones in my body.
But never one below the waist.

I broke an arm when it was run over by a kid on a bike.
I broke an arm diving for the finish line in a game of Red Rover.

I’ve had Gonorrhea.
I’ve had Chlymadia.

One of my toenails is permanently blackened.
Half of my toenails have fallen off.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Feeling better

Working from home today because I'm still a little ill. Yesterday in my sickness I came up with this question: Why does the floor of the bathroom look so comfortable when you're sick? About 5 times I wanted to lie down on my bathroom floor instead of getting back in bed.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

My day so far

Wake up. Shit. Dry heave. Dry heave. shit shit shit dry heave shit shit shit.

My perfect attendance immune system seems to be taking the day off. I'm truly sick for the first time in years. Dammit.

Monday, March 13, 2006

A half-true poem about my weekend

Friday night started slow and fun,
I robbed a bank, then had to run.
Made Margaritas, broke out the grill,
Took some Ecstasy in the form of a pill.
Watched some tv, Deal or No Deal,
Went to the ocean, killed a baby seal.

Woke up Saturday and started to clean,
Went for a ride and picked up a teen.
Walked to the store, grabbed me some lunch,
Just for some fun, the clerk I did punch.
Met up with friends for softball practice,
Went home and masturbated with a cactus.
Went out to dinner with another couple,
Grabbed her breasts, boy were they supple.

Woke up Sunday, went to my niece’s Christening,
Snorted some coke and my eyes started glistening.
Went to brunch with all the family,
Nothing rhymes here, so I’ll say jamily.
Played some poker and didn’t have fun,
Whipped up a bomb and killed everyone.
Watched Desperate Housewives, that show’s so damn gay
Hope you all have a very nice day.

Friday, March 10, 2006

According to Wikipedia, Room Temperature is between 67-73 degrees. What's Office Temperature? Cause it's 80 degrees in here and I'm fucking dying!!!

The Jim

I know I’ve read several people’s posts on this topic before, but I thought I’d just weigh in on it myself. The topic is: People Who Stare at the Gym. As I see it, there are three types of people that go to the gym: People Who are There to Work Out, People Who are There to Socialize, and People Who Stare. Last night some of the People Who Stare were taking it a little too far and even I felt uncomfortable. I’m there to workout. So, stop staring at Me! I know you’re all turned on and hot and bothered by looking at my buffed, sweaty, naked body, doing squats and lunges, but control yourself!

Thursday, March 09, 2006


Why is 3 the magic number? Why can’t the magic number be 7? Or 9? Or 275604541? 275604541 is the 15 millionth prime number. That’s a lot more magical than stupid 3.

Does it have anything to do with Threesomes? Cause then it makes sense.

Monday, March 06, 2006

The stupid Oscars

I’ve never been a huge Jon Stewart fan. I don’t dislike him, but when people ravishly enjoy someone or something too much, I tend to be over-critical of it. (Example: I started watching 24 this season, enjoyed one episode a lot, sat through one very average episode, then gave up because people are too crazy over it.) Anyway, last night I was watching the Oscars and Jon Stewart was poking fun of Hollywood or whatever. It wasn’t all that great, but it was funny that he was making fun of everyone in Hollywood who was sitting right in front of him. So stupid George Clooney wins his stupid award and gets up and defends Hollywood calling them progressive and they were talking about things before everyone else was and they’re the best blah blah blah. I never really hated him until his stupid speech last night. George, your job is to pretend to be someone else once or twice a year and you're a millionare. Bite me. He was a lot cooler back in the old days.

I bet right after this picture was taken he kicked Natalie and Jo out of the room, banged Blair, then went out and got drunk.

Friday, March 03, 2006


I'm going to make dinner tonight for when titso gets home. What should I make? I was thinking something in the crockpot I can just throw together then go to the gym. But, I'm kinda craving stuffed peppers... mmm, stuffed peppers... Give me your suggestions and recipes chumps!


I'm new to Yeah, call me a loser. Whatever. Anyway, This review of The Amazing Race had me literally laughing out loud for a half hour. I'm probably the only person that watches the amazing Race, but I don't care. It's great.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

I've been thinking

When girls get pregnant their belly button’s pop out.

When guys get fat their belly button’s go into hiding.


Nothing funny here, so look in the mirror

Is it just me, or has there been an overall lack of posting interesting stuff lately? Nobody seems to be posting a lot, and there’s not much exciting being posted. I know nothing exciting is going on around here. And that’s because you all are not inspiring me. So, when you come here expecting to read something funny, and don’t find anything, you only have yourself to blame. Yes, YOU!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006


Today’s my momma’s birthday. I didn’t get her anything. I think I’ll take her to the movies. She’ll like that more than any stupid present I could get her anyway.

As a good Christian, the start of Lent means I have to give something up. I’m thinking of giving up purple foods.

Friday marks the start of my new position. A new manager and new programming languages. Could mean a change of desk. Could mean I need to stop, or majorly cut down on blogging. We’ll see.

The last song on the Strokes cd makes me want to get up and dance and sing out loud at my cube.

Titso left for Kansas City (or something) this morning. She left me a ridiculous list of things to do. Unload the dishwasher. Wash the bathroom towels. Take out the trash. Feed the cat. Ridiculous. Does she think I’m her maid!?!