Ok, Today I’ll tell the story about how I lost my anal virginity. I’ll start by saying it was the longest day ever. That’s right, it was Summer Solstice, June 21. It was a Saturday and I had a morning appointment for my monthly rectal bleaching. Things in my life were going good up until this point. While my friend was totally rocking the free world, I had been totally rocking the world people pay for. Not only was all this rocking going on, but it had been a good week so far because William Hung had been on American Idol earlier in the week. It was history in the making and I was living it up.
Anyway, back to my story. This is the point in the story that we talk about Roller Derby Chicks. When I got to my appointment the entire Philadelphia Roller Derby team was in line in front of me. I knew it was going to be a long wait, but it was worth it because today was free hand job with purchase day at the rectal bleaching office.
After my 13 hour wait, it was my turn. I went into the back room where I dropped trough and got on all fours like Britney Spears giving birth. At first it felt like every other rectal bleaching I’ve had: icy smooth with a side of jalapeno. But after an hour of this, I noticed my rectum was bleeding, so I turned around and saw Clint Howard giving me the business. I was shocked at first, but then I realized it was fine because he’s kinda hot.
I should have stopped him because, well, I ended up pregnant. As I was leaving the office we discussed what we wanted to name the baby. There were really no names either of us felt extremely strong about that the other didn’t like. As a matter of fact, we couldn’t pick a boys name at all. But, it turned out ok because I, in fact, was not pregnant. I had just eaten a bad corn dog.