Thursday, December 30, 2004

Michael J Foxy

Today I was over at Nique’s blog and for no reason whatsoever I left a comment in the voice of Michael J Fox from Back to the Future. I thought it seemed appropriate at the time. So I got to thinking how cool it would have been to be Marty McFly in that movie. He got to travel back in time, he was a total dreamboat (according to his mom), AND he pretty much invented the skateboard. I’ve always wanted to shape a future generation.

So then I wondered to myself, if I could be any character from any movie who would it be?

As a guy my obvious first choices would be any character played by DeNiro or Nicholson. So I had to think of what their best movies were. For DeNiro, it’s Taxi Driver. I think it would be pretty cool to be on the verge of being psycho. But I don’t know about the attempted assassination/pimp killing/pedophile/taxi driving thing. So, on to Nicholson. His best movie was The Shining. It would be totally cool to be a complete psycho. But at the end of that movie he freezes to death and I’m not down with that.

Others I thought of would be Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke since he’s such a bad ass. Sylvester Stallone in Over the Top because I always wished I were better at arm wresting. Christopher Reeves in Superman for obvious reasons. Dennis Hopper in Hoosiers so I could (officially) be the town drunk. And Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite so I could have a sweet bike.

BUT, at the end of the day I think I would choose to be Jessica Simpson in the upcoming Dukes of Hazzard movie because I’d love to have a killer rack like that. (and cate, I wouldn’t care about having a “man jaw” as you like to say, since you know, I’m a man and all.)

So all still reading, who would you be?

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

100 things in 100 seconds

I'm going to list 100 things I like and I'm going to do it in 100 seconds... ready, go!

1. um.. I like certain foods
2. music's cool
3. some movies are good, but not all of them
4. hmm..... i like sports

dammit, I couldn't do it. Maybe next time.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Our tax dollars hard at work

New Bin Laden tape is authentic. Have they ever gotten a tape that wasn't authentic? Why do they keep having to verify this? Do they think it's just a bad episode of Crank Yankers or something?


I mean no disrespect, but I don't get it. It seems to me that 75% of people that link to other blogs, link to Dooce. I've gone there a handful of times and don't see the attraction. Is it a chick thing that I don't understand? Was Dooce the inventor of blogs or something? What am I missing?

worst day of work ever

Something's wrong with my internet connection. Every page takes about 5 minutes to load. What do they expect me to do all day? Work??!?

Monday, December 27, 2004

The O'Donnell Rules of weight loss

subtitle: Or how to fake weight loss to make yourself feel better

1. Get on TITSO's new scale immediately after stuffing your face after Christmas dinner (190lbs)(note: mommy and daddy santa got her the scale. Not boyfriend santa. DEFINITELY NOT boyfriend santa)
2. After two days of doing nothing, get on scale after a light lunch (185.5 lbs)
3. After going to the gym and breaking s sweat for the first time in a month, and not eating for hours, empty bowels and bladder and get on scale (181 lbs)

9 fake pound in 48 hours. Gauranteed or your money back.

Saturday, December 25, 2004

I went all in and won *

So today after my brothers opened all our presents from Santa my parents announced there was one last present. I was sure it was going to be the "Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle" I've been asking for. But I was wrong. My dad said only one of me or my brothers was going to get the present this year and we would rotate it for the next two years. Hmm, a lot of interesting thoughts running through my mind... (none of which actually had anything to do with it, they were more along the lines of "did I leave the iron on?", and "I wonder how my ass looks in these pants") After a lot of fake "no, you take it this year", "nah, you can have it", we decided to play one hand of poker, all in, winner takes the gift. We delt the hand and your's truly came up the winner. My dad went and got an envelope and handed it to me. And as I open it up I read "Father-Son golf tournament in Southwest Ireland." So, the first week of May I'll be hacking up the best golf courses in Ireland! Haha!!! yeah! suckers!

*Denotes Future Posts Title used

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Napoleon Dynamite

I haven't gotten so much pleasure out of a movie with so little plot since Naughty Cheerleaders 14. Although I guess it wasn't so much that Naughty Cheerleaders 14 didn't have a plot, I just kind of thought they needed to spice it up a little more. The series was taking a turn for the bad. Here's how that series went if I remember correctly:

Naughty Cheerleaders 1: Tackling the Football Team
Naughty Cheerleaders 2: Stroking the Swim Team
NC 3: Down Low with the Basketball Team
NC 4: Four Balls and Two Bats with the Baseball Team
NC 5: The Lacrosse Team Has Big Sticks
NC 6: Swinging with the Golf Team
NC 7: A Backhand from the Tennis Team
NC 8: Big Horns with the Band
NC 9: Check Your Mate with the Chess Team
NC 10: Oral Pleasures with the Debate team
NC 11: Glee with the Glee Club
NC 12: Experimenting with the Science Club
NC 13: Muy Caliente with the Spanish Club
NC 14: Reformatting the Computer Club's Hard Drive

As you see it all makes sense up until NC 14. Everyone knows computer geeks don't get chicks.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

I'm obsessed with Malcolm-Jamal Warner

That's what I've decided to name my blogger pet. I can't stop clicking on him. He tells the worst jokes ever! He's great! The more I click on him, the more embarrased I get for whoever created him and wrote his jokes.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Books are the new G.I. Joe

I went shopping at lunch today and picked up Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs while waiting for TITSO to do some shopping. I asked for this for Christmas and it instantly became my most anticipated gift. I can't wait!

happy things

I want to see the blogger pet do backflips or something, so we'll see if he can tell I'm in a good mood. happy, happy, joy, joy, great, fun, super, swell, boobs, awesome, funny, neat, great, bootylicous, fantastic, fabulous, amazing. how's that beeyotch??

Monday, December 20, 2004

Blogger pet

another new sidebar addition. No clue what it does. If it doesn't do something cool in a few days, it will die a quick and very painful death.

Company Q&A

The company I work for has 30,000+ employees. Once a month a Question and Answer email is sent out including all the company policy questions people have asked. This was one from today's Q&A:

I think I have witnessed abuse of the Short Term Disability Leave (STD) policy. Does the company have any plans to decrease the percentage of pay for STD to discourage abuse of this benefit? The abuse of STD really hurts departments that have work shared among employees. It really affects the service factor numbers because workers are spread too thin and get burned out.

First of all, we really have a policy called the STD policy?? And second, there is no way this person could be serious. "pay for STD","STD really hurts", "shared among employees", "get burned out". Come on! This person totally just wanted to write those phrases in an official email.

Future Posts

When I came in this morning I did't feel like writing anything. So I thought I'd try to do that weekend alphabet thing below. I've now decided to create a list of titles of posts I will some day write. So, I've added that to my sidebar and will cross them off when I write them. My inital list is as follows:

I wish I had remembered to poke my eyes out
I went all in and lost
I went all in and won
Being a porn star can be hard. Literally
And that is how I conquered the world
Wednesdays are for lovers
How to kill a man with half of a napkin
No I will not make out with you!

At some point in my life I'm sure each of the above titles will be completely relevant to what's going on in my life and I will share that event with you when the time comes.

My weekend through the alphabet

Afternoon nap. What I took after the Eagles game.
Bloody Marys. What I started drinking at 10:30am yesterday.
Coors Light. What I drank Saturday on special.
Dad. The only person I still need to buy a Christmas present for.
Edgerrin James. Put me into my fantasy football super bowl with his touchdown.
Four Seasons. Where the Christmas party for my dad’s company was held (I’m the “computer guy”)
Guidelines and Rules of Play. The document I wrote for my new poker business.
Highlight of the weekend: Seeing the logo my brother created for the business.
Ice cold. What it was this morning.
Jumped for Joy. What I did when I found out we don’t need to drive to Virginia on Christmas.
Kevin. My brother we hung out with not in on the poker business.
Last letter I actually filled out on this list.
Miller Light. What followed the bloody marys.
Nothing. What I’ve done since I got in this morning.
One thirty two. My pathetic 5 game bowling average.
Playboy. Subscription I started receiving this weekend. (TITSO said the deal was too good to pass up!)
Quickly. How the equipment I ordered for my business better get here.
River Dogs Poker. My business’ name.
Snow. First of the year last night.
Two hours of Christmas shopping.
Underwear with 5 holes in it. What I finally threw out last night.
Vacations. What I looked for on the internet for early next year.
Wiper blade. Fell of my car because of ice this morning.
X-ray, came up negative for T.O.’s injury.
Yesterday the Eagles became the only team to ever sweep the NFC East.
Zero times I played poker.

Friday, December 17, 2004

It's Official. I'm not lazy.

Although that's debatable, I got off my lazy ass last night and talked to the owner of the bar I play softball for in the summer. I just ordered all the equipment and I will be starting my own business the first week of January. No buy in Texas Hold 'Em tournaments will be coming to a bar local to you. Or at least local to me. Upon speaking to the bar owner as the idea sunk in and the other guys at the bar overheard my pitch a quick buzz grew and the whole place agreed it's a genius idea. So, if anyone wants to start calling me genius, feel free.

My brother and I will be co-owners of the 'bizneetch'. He went to school for graphic design, so hopefully he can come up with a good logo for our yet to be named company. Coming up with a name could prove to be difficult. I'm thinking either Microsoft or General Motors. Either one of those or maybe a more poker related name like Pocket Kings (in which my brother and I will wear burger king hats and sit around playing pocket ball the whole night) , or 2-7 offsuit (with the logo being a number 2 and a number 7 wearing really bad suits), or King Jack Suited (with the King and the Jack wearing pimp suits). Suggestions are welcome.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

He's got hiiighh hopes....

Last night I dreamt about skydiving again. This time, I don't know who was with me, I only remember opening my shoot a second before hitting the ground. So now today I'm forced into researching what this means. And this is what I found :

To dream that you are skydiving, represents your high ideals. Sometimes you may need to compromise these ideals and be more realistic of your expectations.

This leads me to believe one of the following:
  • The Eagles will not win the Super Bowl, which will be of no surprise.
  • Angelina Jolie will never fall in love with me. Impossible!
  • I might not be voted the Sexiest Man Alive in 2005, but I doubt it.
  • My cheese slicer/cell phone invention may never take off.
  • My going to the media with my accusation that Kobe's wife was hitting on me won't go over well.
  • My writing skills might never be as masterful as Hemmingway's. (Whatever!)

I must admit I will be thoroughly disappointed if any of the above don't work out as planned.

Today's the day, today's the day, hot damn today's the day.

Today I start my Christmas shopping. The only thing that will stop me is if I change my mind after work or I can't find a front row parking spot at the mall within 3 minutes.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Cookie swapccess

The stained glass cookies were good enough looking to get some "ohh"s and "ahh"s. Luickly no one tasted them during the swap. SUCKERS! My sugar high will begin shortly.
Today after lunch we're doing a "cookie swap" here at work. Organized by your's truely's own TITSO. Being that she's running it she felt the need to make 16 dozen cookies. Literally. We spent about 6 hours on Monday, then she spent about 6 more last night while I went out and played poker. (thats why I love her) "My" cookie to swap is the Stained Glass Cookies. They look really neat and sound good, but don't let the name fool you. All it tastes like is a big friggen life saver. Worst cookie ever. Everyone's gonna make fun of me. I'll be know as the guy in the office who makes bad cookies. I'll be an outcast. Stupid cookies.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

A dream I had last night that might make me an unintentional stalker

I'll first tell the dream, then give my analysis:

I'm very bad at remembering full dreams. I pretty much remember them in bits and pieces. What I remember is I was in a plane skydiving. And I was skydiving with people who's blogs I read. I remember cate and dominique were there. I know there were others there too, but I can't say for sure who. Partially because I have no idea what anyone look like. Not that I know what cate looks like though (dominique has a picture or two,s o I have a basic idea of her). All I remember is flying over a city and knowing we needed to jump out of the plane asap in order to land back where I needed to be. I have no idea what city it was or why we were skydiving over a city. I remember jumping, opening the shoot and landing, then needing to go get drunk, but not much of the details of all of it.

My analysis: I was in a plane earlier that day thinking about how scared out of my mind I would be to skydive, even though I've done it before. So, thats what prompted the skydiving part. Why blogger friends were with me is probably because when I got home, TITSO wasn't home, so the first thing I did was go on my blog and catch up on a few other blogs. I pathetically missed blogging while I was gone. Why I only remember cate and dominique? Probably because 'nique is currently flying somewhere and has said she'd love to skydive. Why cate, I don't know, I guess because her blog was the first I really started to read. Why did I need to get drunk? because yesterday was my first day not drinking in 5 days. I feel like I need therapy for having a dream about blogging and people I've never met before. I know I need therapy for a laundry list of other things, I guess this is just something else to check off. If I ever decide to end it all because of my patheticness, I've decided I will do it by swallowing my cell phone. So if you ever hear of someone dying that way, think of me.

had my christmas lunch today

and I drank for about 4 hours and came back to work. So this will explain why I'm about to post my 3rd blog in the past half hour.

I'm a follower

From cate and kitty and half the blogs I read:

A) First, recommend to me:

1. a movie.

2. a book.

3. a musical artist, song, or album.

B) Ask me three questions. Ask me anything you want.

C) Go to your blog (if you have one), copy and paste this, and allow everyone to ask you anything.

Bro's without Ho's '04

Yesterday I returned from the 4th annual golfing trip with my brothers and pop. Although the weather wasn’t too good, a good time was had by all. Highlights included:

  • Being presented with the question: How many O’Donnell men does it take to change a flat tire?
  • Not being able to come up with an answer before road side assistance stepped in after 15 minutes. (We hadn’t yet figured out how to get the jack out of the holder, the spare tire off the bottom of the car, or the cap off the flat tire to get to the lug nuts. Yes, we are pathetic.)
  • Missing our flight home and being told all remaining flights to Philly were over booked.
  • Being told at 5am the next day that there were about 40 free seats on those flights.
  • Going to the world worst sports bar. Fox Sports Bar in the Orlando airport. Advertised the NFL package and didn’t have it. Blared horrible Jessica Simpson and company pop music through the speakers and we were told to move our seats if we didn’t like it. (There were speakers every 3 feet)
  • Sucking at golf.
  • Calling my little brother Governor Jim McGreevy the whole trip.
  • Making up raps about how gay each other are.
  • Watching one of the greatest golfer of all time on a practice tee.
  • Finding out Budweiser has an Energy Beer called “B to the E”. It’s not bad.
  • Getting my brother to be my business partner. Now I just need to do the leg work, which I’m too lazy to do.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Unoriginal Bastards

This is Malaysia's flag:

Freakin copycats.

Yes, I am struggling to do work before my vacation.

1440 minutes and counting...

In 24 hours my flight will be touching down in sunny Orlando Florida for 4 days of sun, golf, drinking, gambling, strip clubs, intravenous drugs, and waking up in gutters with no pants on and missing organs. Have fun working beeotches!!!

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

I've seen on other people's blogs that they can see how people reached thier sites. How? Am I missing something? Or is this a feature of haloscan or something?

Monday, December 06, 2004

My blog: Reviewed

Today Keith over at Ironpants shared an article someone wrote about his blog. I know at some point my blog will get to a point of being reviewed, so I figured I'd save the reviwer some time. I simply took the review of Ironpants, changed a few words and made it my own. Future reviewer: you're welcome!

I love a funny read, so I was looking forward to reviewing a blog in the humor category. The name "Chloraphil? More like Bor-a-phil?!?" concerned me, though, as I wondered if this was another "wanna be" frustrated comedian's site full of potty humor. Chlorophil, however, is in no way shape or form, humor.

Tim is a single programmer in his late 20's who lives and works in Philadelphia, PA. The reader has several opportunities to get to know Tim. In fact, the entire blog is an insight into his personality. Readers can access the "Starburst Porn" as well as a list of "Other stuff no one cares about" with simple clicks on the Archives button, then just looking through crap since nothing is in any kind of order.

Tim loves his ass. He touches it quite frequently and is kind enough to tell everyone about it. There the reader will find themselves becoming uncomfortable and not sure if they should keep reading. I don't know if he actually likes his ass as much as he claims, but they are definitely buns I wish I had! My favorite blog entry is entitledGo Away” posted on Nov 19th. I won't ruin the suspense for you. You should honestly just go away and not bother reading it.

I could do without the daily postings, because quite honestly they smack of boredom. This is a new "feature" for Tim and perhaps he'll drop it soon. He doesn't need to try to resort to this to be funny. Another feature I like quite a bit is Tim’s “low self-esteem.” In these posts the writer breaks down his insecurities for you with tidbits such as "am I hot?" or "Do I have a nice ass?” etc.

The blog itself is hosted on Blogger, but the template is in no way customized. The sidebar does not include links to the featured posts mentioned above, as well as the archives. I did find it a bit confusing in that the archives start at October 2004. No one really cares about what happened to Tim 2 months ago. Perhaps this was done intentionally to prevent the reader from reading his newer, even less interesting thoughts, and if so is uneccessary. The pictures in the sidebar are GREAT! I especially love the traffic pattern pictures. It's refreshing to read a blogger who is not dedicated to his penis. My only complaint is that the grammatical errors that appear sporadically throughout are a bit irritating. Tim is a programmerr afterall, he should know better.

Overall, Chloraphil is a blog that contains many posts that will help me fall asleep at night. The posts aren’t unique and the reoccuring features aren’t worth coming back for. While not any of the posts are "laugh out loud, spit milk through the nose" funny, this blog is definitely one which you should click ‘next blog’ on when you stumble across it.

Friday, December 03, 2004

Dead serious question I want answered!

This summer TITSO and I went to a B&B down the shore. There was a water tower a few blocks away from where we stayed.

Me: "Why are water towers always so high off the ground?"
TITSO: "I don't know."

A few weeks later I asked some guys I was golfing with.

Me: "Why are water towers always so high off the ground?"
Golfer guy: "Because it creates water pressure."
Me: "Oh, ok, cool"

Fast forward to 3 months later (yesterday).

Me: "Remember when we talked about water towers over the summer?"
TITSO: "Barely."
Me: "Well I heard they're so far off the ground because of water pressure."
TITSO: "So how does the water get up there? Don't they need to create pressure to get it up there in the first place? I don't see the point in that."
Me: "Dammit, you're right."

Anyone know why water towers are so high off the ground? I'd rather ask you than look it up on the internet.

P.S. Three posts in one day is a record. (Besides the starburst porn that I posted in a series since I didn't know how to put all the pictures in one post.)


501 different people have come to this site. About 11 have left comments. To the other 490, I have one word for you: Bite Me.


I just wrote about a 15 page post, but deleted it because I know no one likes to read posts that are too long, so I'll summarize it for you.

Getting kneed in the nuts. Not good.
Beetlejuice. Great.
Lizards that can walk on water. Awesome
Big Buildings. Eh, OK
War and Peace. Long
Groundhogs. Overrated.
Wart Hogs. Bad ass.
The letter Q. Too dependant.

Editor's note:
Wart Hogs. Have Hulk Hogan hair.

Thursday, December 02, 2004


Wellkay, (<-- new word, well+okay) I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m an ass man. And by ass man, I mean, I really like my ass. Man. While the typical man sits in front of the TV in the Al Bundy pose of the hands down the front of the pants, you can probably catch me with my hands down the back of my pants at any given time. At times I actually double dip with one down the front and one in the back.

I realized this last night. I got home from the gym and was walking up to my room to grab a change of clothes and noticed I had both hands on my ass as I walked up the stairs. Then in a Sixth Sense type flashback, my life ran through my mind in a matter of seconds and I had my hands on my ass in every memory.

Later I was making my healthy dinner of French toast and found myself unconsciously smacking my ass with the spatula. I couldn’t help it.

If I ever put a real picture of myself on this site it would probably just be a close up of my ass.

Does this make me weird?

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

I want to start a businees, but I'd rather sleep

Last night I went to my 3rd night of poker at a bar local to my work. A group of guys bring a bunch of poker tables and chips into a bar and charge the bar $5 per man that plays. It's free to play and the bar just gives out prizes to the top players, so it's all legal. There's a million bars around here that I know would be willing to do this. It would be a nice extra few hundred dollars a day. The problem lies in having to stay at a bar till 2am everynight. Too bad I'm not still 21. Damn getting old and my comfortable ass bed!!

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Blogging is bo cool

Did anyone out there ever grow up using a word, only to later find out it’s not actually a word? Bo was that word for me. I grew up in a not so small town of about 20,000 people. Everyone where I grew up, in my generation, used the word bo. It basically meant very or extremely. A typical use would be “Did you see Return of the Jedi yet?” “Yeah, Ewoks are bo gay.” Through my childhood, grade school, and high school, bo was just a part of my vocabulary. When I went to college I used it and was ostracized. I quickly learned not to use it, but when with my friends I grew up with I still use it.

In another example, my mom use to use the word gihugeic. As in a combination of gigantic and huge. Even at the age of 5 I knew that wasn’t a word. I still remember when I was about 12 years old she came home one day and told a story about how she used the word and someone told her it wasn’t a real word. She was bo shocked. She went to the dictionary and looked it up in disbelief. Actually thinking about it now, she was kind of a pioneer. Combining two words, such as web and log, is the new thing to do.

Anyway, my reason for telling this is I’ve decided to start using bo as a part of my regular vocabulary again. I’m also thinking about making up other words that just make sense to me. Things that are really dull and boring will be during. Hmmm, that doesn’t work. Things that are tiny and small will be tall. Dammit! I’ll work on this and come up with something…

Monday, November 29, 2004

Tis the Season to be Raunchy

If you stumbled upon this blog, or if any of my loyal readers are easily (or even not so easily) offended, please click next blog and do not return to this post.

Still reading? Of course you are… before I started writing this blog there were very few creative things I’ve done that I was proud of. A few romantic things I’ve done throughout my life and my starburst porn lead the list. About 2 Christmas seasons ago my friend and I started telling “your momma” type jokes in the form of Christmas jingles. An example of one my friend wrote was:

Hark, the herald angels sing.
When is my phone gonna ring?
Mrs. OD, please call back.
I left my lighter in your crack.

After several of these one-liners back and forth to each other, I started my own version of “Twas the Night Before Christmas.” In an amazing 10 minute spate of creativity, the entire poem spurned from my fingers in easily the most dirty, and what I think is funny, thing I’d ever written. So, read, enjoy, and you’ll certainly never look at me in the same light again… my pride and joy:

twas the night before christmas and all though my place,
people were cumming on mrs johnson's dumb face, *
the stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
as we banged her from behind and pulled on her hair,

The children were nestled all snug in thier bed,
while visions of susans boobs danced in thier heads
I wiped my cum with a 'kerchief, and then took a nap,
I crouched over her face and then took a crap

when out on the lawn arose such a clatter,
I pulled out my cock and on her face i did splatter,
away to the bathroom I flew like a flash,
mrs. johnson got up and stole all my cash,

fuck harder! fuck faster! in my throat please cum!
boy my son Bill, isn't he dumb?
no life and no friends, can't you just see?
his roommate won't even let him watch his tv. **

and then in a twinkling I heard on the roof,
someones cock knocked out her front tooth,
as I drew in my hand and was turning around,
down the chimney mrs johnson came, with a bound.

she was covered in cum from her head to her foot,
and her clothes were covered in my ass' soot.
a big black dildo she had shoved up her crack,
she looked like a crack whore just looking for smack,

cum in her eyes and in her ears how merry,
its been a long long long time since someone busted her cherry.
her mouth was full of it, just like a ho,
on her chin cum so white it looked like the snow,

she was chubby and plump, kinda looked like an elf,
And I laughed when I saw her, in spite of myself,
a wink of her eye and she was giving me head,
and with no teeth left I had nothing to dread.

she spoke not a word and went straight to work,
I filled up her ass, she finished me with a jerk,
and lying my cock right on her nose,
and licking the knob, up the chimney she rose,

she hailed down a taxi when she gave out a whistle,
he saw her and drove off, away like a missle,
but I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,

* The names have been changed to protect the innocent

** denotes inside joke. If you wish to use this poem on your christmas cards this year, you could probably change that line to something along the lines of "I changed all the locks, and didn't give him a key"

Thursday, November 25, 2004

I'm takin it back, I'm takin it all back

I never changed my template, yet it's showing this gay one with the lighthouse. I just changed it back and it's still showing this incorrect template. blows. Disregard my kind words from yesterday.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

I tip my 40 to you

So, it being Thanksgiving time and all, I thought I'd give shout outs to everything I'm thankful for... even though 95% of the things I thank will never know it, here it goes:
  • To Mr. Miller and the good people of Milwakee, Wi. Thank you for making a good beer. A very good beer. I tip my 40 to you.
  • To my annoying crackhead cat, fawn. Thank you for greeting me at the door everyday night with your squeaky, non-relenting voice. It makes me feel loved. I know your brain is only the size of a pea, but you make me smile. sometimes. Thank you for having a snaggle tooth, it's funny. Thank you for giving me massages, and for cuddling up with me to sleep. I tip my 40 to you.
  • To TITSO. Thank you for putting up with my lazy ass. You make me smile, you make me laugh. I tip my 40 to you.
  • To internet porn. Thank you. Just thank you. I tip my 40 to you.
  • To Thank you for making me a happier person. I've next blogged my way into a group of people that are constantly making me laugh and making me want to be funny, even when I feel I'm not. My creativity outlet was non-existant a few weeks ago, and now, even while on my home computer, I sometimes blog instead of look at porn. sometimes. To my amazing circle of bloggers. I tip my 40 to you.
  • To the Philadelphia Eagles. Thank you for being 9-1. Thank you for T.O. I know you're only setting me up for a let down and when that happens I'll want to smash this 40 over my head. Until then. I tip my 40 to you.
  • To ABC. Thank you for Lost and Desperate Housewives. Finally a few non-reality shows worth watching. I tip my 40 to you.
  • To the guy at the coner store. Thank you for the 40. I just tipped it all out. May I have another?

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Mr Short Term Memory II

So... I was having a problem with my Internet Explorer, so our desktop IT guy came to my desk for about 2 hours. He ended up having to kill out and reset my hardware profile. In doing so, all my internet history was deleted. In the 45 minutes since I've been back up I've clicked on my internet history about 15 times. Besides, I can't even remember what websites I waste my 8 hours a day on. I'm so dumb and stupid I'm dupid.

Mr. Short Term Memory

Besides the whole tattoos and looking for my wife's killer, I think the movie Memento may have been written about me. Every morning when I come into work I go through my list of blogfriends to see who’s updated their blogs. This in of itself is stupid because most of the blogs I read are written by people in other countries (like California and Arizona) where they aren’t even awake yet, let alone blogging. So I go down my list of blogs and see one blog after the other looking exactly like it did the last time I checked it. By the time I’ve checked 3 or 4 blogs I already forget which ones I just checked and wind up checking all the blogs like 4 times before convincing myself there’s nothing new to read. Then I get depressed and force myself to do work… for about 5 minutes before checking to see if they’re awake and writing yet. Why did I ever get involved in this…

Monday, November 22, 2004

Today at lunch I finished reading Animal Farm. It took me 27 days to read a 128 page high school book. Someone should perform a mercy killing on me.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Friday, November 19, 2004

Mission Accomplished

My goal for today was not to write anything good, but to find a new blog. My stomach and cheeks hurt from laughing uncontrolably at my desk (and laughing without making a sound is not easy.) Go there. now. you will not be disappointed. Distracted by Shiny Objects

A boring stock market rant

So, I own one stock, Sirius Satellite Radio.. I bought it back around March after the whole Janet Jackson thing when Howard Stern started threatening to go to satellite radio. When I bought it my only hope was that he would leave FM radio and come to Sirius which would make the stock boom. Low and behold, that came true. When Stern’s old boss, Mel Karmazin (former CEO of Viacom who turned it from a 10 million dollar company to like a 200 billion dollar company), quit a few weeks before he announced that, I created a second hope…. That Karmazin would come to Sirius. Low and behold, yesterday he became the new CEO of Sirius. Also yesterday Stern gave out 20,000 free radios and appeared on Letterman shamelessly plugging Sirius. Last night, the stock went up 25% in one day, doubling what I bought it at. I’m on my way to becoming rich, right? Wrong. Today Alan Greenspan announces that he thinks the dollar is weak, so the stock market crashes. What I want to know is who ever said he was the be all end all of money matters? He’s like the Michael Powell of money. Plus he’s like 400 years old. He needs to die a quick but incredibly painful death.

Go away


Thursday, November 18, 2004

Is it wrong that my preferred method of communication is email? Friends, co-workers, even family sometimes. Email what you want to say, I'll try to come up with an intelligent or witty response. I don't care if you sit 3 feet away from me, email. Don't stop by my desk, I'm not as interesting or smart in person. And God forbid you use the phone to call me, I'm not answering. My brain needs time to adjust to questions, problems, and propositions. Keyboard good. Words bad.

The FCC's gonna take a sh** right on your head

I just want to complain about all the people that complained about the opening sequence to Monday Night Football this week in which Nicolette Sheridan was wearing a towel which she dropped to reveal her back. You people need to chill the hell out. It was a towel. It was a back. We all have them. Every single day I take a shower (except on the weekends, who showers on those??) and never once has my girlfriend or cat complained when I left the bathroom in my towel. One time I even dropped my towel by accident and, while offended, TITSO and snaggle tooth still didn’t complain.

Chairman of the FCC, Michael Powell, went on some show yesterday and said he was “disappointed”, and he “wondered if Walt Disney would be proud.” Well Mr Powell, you want to know what I was “disappointed” in? I was disappointed that Becky White said “no” when I asked her to be my girlfriend at recess in 2nd grade. I was really disappointed in that. But do you see me going on some show to complain? No, not once. Unless you count that time I started that pirate radio station out of my dorm room in college called “WBWH: The Becky White hate station.” And don’t even get me started on Walt Disney. The subliminal messages that are in his movies are what led to my crack and porn addictions at the age of 11. It was either his movies or Becky White. That slut.

A dollar to whoever can name where the title of this post came from.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Working late has it's advantages...

So, today I'm working till 7:30 because I'm going to play in a poker tournament that's right by my work. Being here this late I get the privledge of listening to a Guy Who May Have Had Megaphone Sewed On To His Mouth talk really loud and really nonsensical to Guy Who Doesn't Want To Hear It.
GWMHHMSOTHM: "I'm done with blue fish. I don't eat that shit anymore. And the people who like caviar? They can have that shit. It tastes like shit.
GWDWTHI: "..."
GWMHHMSOTHM: "I'm serious, there's no way I'd eat that shit."
GWDWTHI: "..."

GWMHHMSOTHM proceeds to use the word shit about 30 more times in 5 minutes while GWDWTHI doesn't mutter a single sound. The corporate world at it's finest.

Hot or Not?

Reading through several blogs, including my own, I'm shocked by the type of guys some girls think are hot. I swear I think I'm better looking than most of these guys.
For example, Dominique thinks that David Carr is hot. View here to be the judge. Average if you ask me.
In other blogs, Cate and others have stated that John Cusak is yummy. View here to be the judge. OK if you ask me.
I honestly feel I outshine them both. View here to be the judge. That my friends, is hotness defined.


I'm gonna act like a GUY for once.

HELLL YEEAH EAGLES! Eagles are fuckin awesome. T.O. (Terrell Owens, not Tim ODonnell) is the coolest and best player in the league. That guy triggers so much fuckin excitement in me I almost get choked up every time they play (minus last week). I don't know what it's like to give birth or to get married, but it couldn't possibly feel this good. Look at the counter on the right... Eagles Super Bowl champs in however many days that says...!!!! FUCK YEAH!!!!

Monday, November 15, 2004

What I learned in HTML classto make my blog cooler...

Nothing much. Except check out the links sections and let me know what you think. I thought I'd try something different from the word link and the button link.
I pulled most people's from thier blogs. Anyone wants anything different, let me know.

Sunday, November 14, 2004


Over the weekend, the rap community lost one of it's top stars to an "unknown" health problem. Among Ol' Dirty Bastard's, aka. Russell Jones', aka. Dirt McGirt's, aka, Big Baby Jesus', aka. Cyrus', aka. Dirt the Flirt's, aka. Joe Bananas', aka. Ol' Dirt Shultz's lifelong achievments are:

- bringing MTV cameras with him in his limo as he picked up his welfare check.

- Interupting Shawn Colvin's Grammy acceptance speech to announce he was upset for not winning best Rap Albumn because he spent a lot of money on a new suit for the award show.

- Coming up with amazingly bad, unrhyming lyrics:
You can call me dirty, and then lift up your skirt
And if you want some of this dirty, God made dirt and dirt bust yo ass

- Proudly fathering over a dozen children to over a half dozen women

- Proudly backing no charties because he'd rather "just chill out and work on more women and more kids"

- Being arrested for shoplifting shoes, being arrested for threatening a bouncer's life, being arrested for threatening one of the many mothers of his many children's lives, and countless drug arrests

So while the rap community mourns, the rest of us are like, "eh, oh well."

Friday, November 12, 2004

25 more things...

1. I shave my head
2. I’ve never been arrested
3. I got married in vegas 4 years ago
4. and an annulment 3 weeks later
5. I once streaked the campus in college
6. and they still gave me my masters degree last year
7. I haven’t puked since the night of the streak in 1994
8. My first cigarette was at age 17
9. My last cigarette was at age 17
10. I’ve never been on a boat smaller than a cruise ship
11. Rosie O’Donnell is my 3rd cousin (or something)
12. I met her once
13. The last company I worked for crashed at Y2K
14. It was partially my fault
15. I qualified for olympic trials in swimming in 96
16. I’ve applied to be on Survivor, the Apprentice, and Big Brother
17. I’ve had my appendix removed
18. and my tonsils
19. I had braces for 4 years when I was little
20. I’m a landlord for 3 properties
21. I can fix just about anything
22. No I can’t
23. Nothing I just wrote is true
24. I’m just really bored
25. 1 hour till Miller time

My girl wants to party all the time

I've never been to a Pimps N Ho's party. I want to go to one. Who wants to throw one?

Nothing to see here. Move Along.

I don't know what it is about Friday's that I seem to have nothing to say. Nobody to bitch about, nothing exciting to look forward to in my weekend. What I do have to look forward to is all day HTML training on Monday. So maybe on my day off Tuesday (to recover from drinking 15 beers during Monday Night Football) I'll make my blog all cool with big Japanese Anime and music that you have to listen to and buttons you have to click to enter and exit my page. I hear thats what all the cool kids are doing these days!

Thursday, November 11, 2004


I've noticed that just about everyone protects thier friends and loved ones with nicknames. So, I've been trying to come up with one for my girlfriend. Here's what I have so far...

- BITCHO (Boyfriend Is Tim, Check Him Out)
- HO (Homegirl O'Donnell)
- SKANK (So Kool And Nice n Kind)
- SLUT (Super Lovely, Utterly Tastey)
- TITSO (Tim's Insanely Terrific Special One)
- ASS (Amazingly Special Someone)

Votes and further suggestions are welcome.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

I'mb zick

so, I don't feel so well today, so I'm "working from home". More like I'm logged into my company's network and clicking endlessly on the Next Blog button. Why do some pricks move or remove that button from thier blog? Don't be such a programming hotshot, just leave the stupid button there dick nose. I have yet to turn on the tv, or xbox, so I guess thats a small victory to my self control... right? maybe not. My cat's lying on the sofa next to me, snoring. Yes my cat snores, and yes I'd love to join her in it. But no, duty calls, and so does the next blog button.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

100 things out of boredom

1. I’m a middle child
2. 1 older brother
3. 1 younger brother
4. No kids, nieces or nephews
5. My High School and college had the same name
6. LaSalle
7. I swam at both
8. 200, 500, 1650 freestyle
9. My shoulders hurt too much to swim anymore
10. I try to run now
11. but my knees hurt too much
12. Getting old sucks
13. I’m a programmer
14. This was the most recent line of code I wrote S (RSTAT,STAT)=$S('$D(^SC($$^SBLDCCL(%A),%A,%W)):0,1:$P(^SC($$^SBLDCCL(%A),%A,%W),"^"))
15. I’m not even sure what it really means
16. Yes I am
17. 32,000 people work in my company
18. I don’t know them all
19. I’ve been to two foreign country
20. Ireland and Jamaica
21. Twice for both
22. I’ve been to about 18 states
23. PA, NJ, DE, MD, VA, WV, NY, CT, MA, RI, IL, IN, FL, NC, SC, GA, FL, AZ, CA, OR, WA, NV
24. ok, maybe 22
25. I’m 6 feet tall
26. 180 lbs
27. I ran a marathon in 4 hours 6 minutes
28. Faster than Diddy, Oprah, and I think Will Farrel
29. I’ve swam a mile in 16 minutes flat.
30. Faster than anyone I know that’s ever swam a mile
31. Except 1 former team mate
32. I bought a house with my older brother
33. Then sold it to him and moved in with my girlfriend
34. Now we’re house shopping together
35. She rocks
36. someday…
37. Fav book: Green, Grass, Grace
38. Fav Movie: Swingers
39. Fav band: changes daily
40. fav food: pizza
41. favortie alcohol: miller lite
42. cat’s name: Fawn
43. cat’s nicknames: snags, snaggle tooth, snaggle rock, peanut butter, banana, and whatever word crosses my mind when shes in the room
44. I drive a civic
45. I wish I drove a lexus
46. my high school GPA was 2.6
47. my college GPA was 3.0
48. my major was marketing
49. I worked for nabisco my senior year
50. it sucked
51. My first real job was making cheesesteaks
52. it sucked
53. I was once a bank teller
54. $1000 magically disappered (twice) when I was a teller
55. I honestly don’t know what happened
56. I never got fired
57. from any job
58. I play fanatasy football
59. and fantasy baseball
60. I play golf
61. I’m a 15 handicap
62. I play softball
63. I play left center
64. I bat 3rd
65. This is kinda hard.
66. I’m extremely shy in person
67. Unless you really know me
68. Or unless I’m drunk
69. 69, woohoo!
70. I’m an Eagles season ticket holder
71. This blog is the only creative writing I’ve ever done
72. Except an x rated Christmas poem I once wrote
73. I’ll post it after Thanksgiving
74. Sometimes “creative” is pushing it.
75. Sometimes I enjoy my creativity
76. I enjoy some other bloggers’ creativity
77. A lot
78. I didn’t smoke weed till I was 21
79. I did ‘shrooms at 19
80. It’s been 7 years since I did them
81. Right now I’m reading Animal Farm
82. Right now I’m not paying attention to a conference call
83. My first time ever in a casino I won $275
84. I think that’s the most I ever walked away with
85. $200 is the most I ever lost
86. My girlfriend and I once vacationed at Hedonism in Jamaica
87. It was crazy
88. I’m going to Orlando in 5 weeks to golf with my bros and pop
89. can’t wait
90. I can juggle
91. I’ve broken my arm twice and wrist once.
92. I peed my bed once when I was 21
93. It was after a night of drinking the day one of my best friends died.
94. Cystic Fibrosis
95. 5 more…
96. My parents are still married
97. They rock
98. I’ve been in 2 car accidents
99. neither were my fault
100. I swear

Out of the loop

I've hear lots about Tara Reid's surgically mutilated hooters. Who can tell me where to see them? anyone?

Monday, November 08, 2004

Dear Kettle, You are black. Love, The Pot

Lazy people annoy me. This is coming from the person who has been known to skip meals rather than use the brainpower to think of something to eat, or the manpower to actually make it. The lazy people that have been annoying me recently are the elevatorists. I work in a 2 story building with an elevator 10 feet from the lobby stairwell. Last week for some reason there was cake in the lobby and people were taking the elevator to go downstairs to get cake then taking the elevator back up. It's 20 steps, I don't think it'll kill ya!! Take your double sized slice of cake and go build that gut up! fat ass. (Tim is not in a good mood today.)

Friday, November 05, 2004

mmm Starbursts...

So since I couldn't be creative today I thought I'd post a little story I wrote a few years ago... it's really a story of pictures that kinda speak for themselves. When I was little we used to always have Starbursts around the house. I once came up with idea of biting them into the shapes of little people. I busted out a few of these people about 3 years ago and took pictures of the story of thier lives. Here it is!

Once upon a time there was a boy named Tim

And he met the most beautiful girl in the world.

So he took her out to lunch

And then they kissed

Then they got naked

Then they had some fun

Watch that hair!

Tastes like Starbursts

And they lived happily ever after

Feeling uninspired

Almost everyday I come into work and say to myself "Self, you've got nothing to write about today." But boredom eventually leads to creativity. I've been too busy to be bored enough to be creative today. So I figured I'd share a brilliant blog entry I came across yesterday. Enjoy!

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Bush: "there'll be changes"

WASHINGTON (AP) -- A new presidential pooch will soon be roaming the halls of the White House.
President Bush marked Laura Bush's birthday Thursday by announcing he would give her a Scottish terrier puppy that is a relative of the current first dog, Barney.

See, this is why I don't understand Bush bashers. He said there will be changes, and he ran out and got a puppy. Thats step one in making USA #1 again!! Happy now? Or are you all puppy haters?

I want a new drug

I want an easy job that pays lots and lots of money. I want a job that's fun. I want a job that's rewarding. My job indirectly helps people, but I don't see it. My old next door neighbor used to fax jokes into the Tonight Show. While I don't think Leno is very funny, a lot of people do. They started using his jokes on a daily basis and evenutally hired him. He moved to LA and became a writer for the Tonight Show. When he moved out there his 12 year old daughter became a hand model. When she turned 16 she bought herself a new car. I embarrassingly watch Americas Next Top Model and I've learned that modeling can be tough. There's such a fine line between "fabulous" and "crap" because its all in the eyes. But for a hand model? Is it all in the knuckles? How nice is life when you are buying a car at the age of 16 because you have pretty hands? Maybe I don't want a more fufilling job. Maybe I just want a SugarMomma. That way I could focus on my true love of Sitting By the Pool While Beuatiful Women Wait on Me Hand and Foot. (who the hell came up with the saying "wait on me hand and foot"??) I'm accepting applications for Sugarmamma and Waiteresses now.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

hang on...

Maybe I'm not less interesting than you. Not the few of you that read this, but many of those in blogger world. I've gotten to the point that 80% of the time I click "next blog", I click "next blog" again before the blog even fully loads. I can just tell if I read what showed up that I'd get bored. I guess I should change the name of my blog. Too bad I'm too boring to think of anything else.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

validation needed. Unfortunately I have a reeeaaly old digital camera that doesn't pick up details very well. It almost doesn't even look like me.

Indecision 2004

Here's some other things I could use help in deciding:

1) My blog's coolness. Looking at HTML code, its really quite simple. If I had any motivation, I would teach it to myself and I could make this look a hell of a lot cooler than it is. My problem is I'm too lazy. Stay lazy or get learned?

2) Pictures on blogs. Is it better to have a picture of yourself or to let people use thier imagination? I could easily put a picture of myself on my blog, but I'm undecided as to if I like when people show themselves or if its better to always wonder. Is the self proclaimed geek, really a geek? Are all those kitten bloggers really 4-legged felines? To picture or not to picture?

3) Life Goals. I can't decide what obtainable goal I should set for myself. I've run a marathon, done a triathalon, built major projects around the house. I'm bored. I need motivation. Suggestions?

4) Butting In. Blogs are public, yet I have reservations about commenting because I feel like I wasn't invited, so I shouldn't be commenting. Are some blogs better left uncommented on?

I'll be missing you

Well, today is probably my last day of posting. Thank you to everyone who read this blog on a regular basis (all two of you). This whole election thing has put me in quite a bind. I feel that both canidates have such glaring weaknesses that I can't back either with conviction, so I'm not voting (gasp! the horror!) And since P. Diddy has told me to "Vote or Die!" I assume the pack of hungry wolves that has been mysteriously roaming the neighborhood will sniff me out tonight and fulfill Diddy's prophecy. So I'd rather sacrafice myself than participate in the issue that has and will continue to tear this country in two. Damn you Bush! Damn you Kerry! Damn you Diddy!

Monday, November 01, 2004

Weekend observations

- One week after the Ashlee debacle, Eminem proceeded to lip synch his first song on SNL. It was easy to see with the greatest invention of the past 20 years (tivo). I understand you wanted to perform a new politically based song, but the lip synching was weak.. just as weak as that song.

- Surprise parties are extremely awkward for the first 5 minutes.

- Even if 100 kids live in a 5 block radius, they don't trick or treat at the house that was formerly owned by a drug dealer.

- bad invention: the rake.

- good invention: the leaf blower.

- Getting pregnant is the cool thing to do. At least based on my circle of friends it is.

- I have no patience for after 10 beers

- The Eagles are the best team in the NFL!!!!!!!!

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Red-Headed Stepchild

I think I have Carpet Tunnel Syndrome. It's the lesser-known sibling of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. While millions of Americans suffer from this horrible condition, many go undiagnosed. After much research, here's what I've found out about it:

What is carpet tunnel syndrome?

Carpats is a word derived from the Greek word "karpats" which means "Carpet". A Carpet is a thick heavy covering for a floor, usually made of woven wool or synthetic fibers; a rug. While not designed to sleep on, a carpet has been known to house the unconscious body of one too tired or drunk to reach a sofa or bed. Tunnel is a word derived from the Greek word "tunal", which means "tunnel." A tunnel is a passage through or under a barrier. Any area of carpet between a sofa and a bed can be known as the carpet tunnel. The stiffness that occurs when a state of sleep occurs in the carpet tunnel is known as Carpet Tunnel Syndrome.

What conditions and diseases cause carpet tunnel syndrome?

For most patients, the cause of their carpal tunnel syndrome is unknown. For most others, the condition of drunkenness causes the syndrome. A small fraction of sufferers attribute "the bed being too damn far away."

How does a patient with carpet tunnel syndrome feel?

Patients with carpet tunnel syndrome initially feel numbness and tingling of the body in the distribution of the median nerve (the neck, the back, the legs, the head, the arms, the shoulders, the hands, the feet, the ears, and sometimes the hair).

How is carpet tunnel syndrome diagnosed?

The diagnosis of carpet tunnel syndrome is suspected based on the symptoms and the distribution of the body numbness. Blood shot eyes or a breathalyzer can help narrow the diagnosis of the syndrome.

How is carpet tunnel syndrome treated?

The choice of treatment for carpal tunnel syndrome depends on the severity of the symptoms and any underlying disease which might be causing the symptoms. Generally the sufferer should schedule an appointment with the closest bed and spend several hours or, in severe cases, days acquainting themselves with the bed.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

follow the yellow brick road

Yeah, I'm a programmer, but there are no bells and whistles in laboratory systems programming. When I follow posts of people and look at other blogs I hate them because they are so cool looking. I should know how to do that cool crap... but I don't. Damn me!


The guy in the office cubical diagonal to me is running the Marine Corps Marathon on Sunday. It makes me feel so fat and lazy. Last August I decided I would train for and run the Philadelphia marathon. With my longest run ever before that being about 5 miles, it was one of the most difficult things I'd ever done. 3+ months of running 4-5 days a week, 15-40 miles a week. This fall the most productive thing I've done has been installing a storm door on my (and my girlfriend's) house. Last fall I would wake up on a Sunday morning and go for a 10-20 mile run before I went and got drunk for the Eagles game. This year, I skip the run and indulge in excessive amounts of beer. When you check one of the things on your "Life's Goals" list off (skydive, check; run a marathon, check), is it supposed to eventually make you feel lazy and bored? I should revise my list to include things that actually do make you lazy and fat. Eat an entire xtra-large pizza in one sitting. Participate in a hot dog eating contest. Sleep for 24 straight hours. Spend one weekend without getting off the sofa for any reason other than to use the toilet.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Book Report: Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk

I'm the guy at my work who reads books. In a building of about 300 people if you asked someone if they knew me, half the people would say"Is he the one who's always reading?" The answer would be yes, but he's the one who is always reading at lunch instead of pretending to enjoy being interested in your life. I pretty much will only read at home if the book I'm reading is really really good.

At lunch today I finished reading Survivor. A book by the author if Fight Club about the sole survivor of a religous clut who's member all killed themselves except him. He's telling his story to the black box of a plane he hijacked for the sole purpose of killing himself. This was my second book by Palahniuk, the first being Lullaby (the story of a poem that when recited, or even thought about will kill whoever you want). I felt the same way about Survivor as I did Lullaby: Palahniuk has amazing ideas. He writes amazing sentences, amazing paragraphs, amazing pages, but the books aren't amazing. I know he has a huge cultish following, but his style of writing is too choppy and sometimes drawn out. Lullaby could have been a 20 page short story, then it would have been amazing. Survivor could have done without about 50 of its 289 pages (which is actually numbered in reverse order as the suicide counts down). I could open the book to any page and find a few sentences strung together that are so creative that I feel ashamed of my unimaganitive self, but then on the opposing page there will be a few sentences I can barely get through without skipping one or two of them.

I don't know if the character development is done in such a way that you don't really care if he dies or not, but I really didn't. I kinda wanted him to fall in love with the female lead character, but didn't care if he didn't. If Palahniuk's characters had more emotion I would have liked the story a lot better, but since they didn't care about themselves, neither did I.

My Rating: 2 1/2 stars

Typical good excerpt:

"It used to be this was a lot of fun. People just call you on the verge of suicide. Women would call. Here I am alone with my goldfish, alone in my dirty kitchen breading a pork chop or whatnot, wearing just my boxers, hearing somebody's prayer. Dishing out guidance and punishment.

A guy will call. After I'm fast asleep, it happens. The calls will come all night if I don't unplug the phone. Some loser will call tonight just after the bars close to say he's sitting cross-legged on the floor in his apartment. He can't sleep without having these terrible nightmares. In his dreams, he sees planes full of people crash. It's so real and then no one will help him. He can't sleep. He can't get help. He tells me he's got a rifle tucked up under his chin and he wants me to give him one good reason not to pull the trigger.

He can't live with knowing the future and not being able to save anyone.

These victims, the call. These chronic sufferes. They call. They break up my own little tedium. It's better than television.

I tell him, Go ahead. I'm only half awake. It's three in the morning, and I have to work tomorrow. I tell him, Hurry before I fall back asleep, pull the trigeer.

I tell him this isn't such a beautiful world that he has to stay in it and suffer. This isn't much of a world at all."

good stuff..

Monday, October 25, 2004

False Idols

Dear Ashlee,
I'm just writing to inform you that I've dropped your ranking on my Favortie Teen Idol list. I've never seen a Mandy Moore movie, or heard a Mandy Moore song, but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't pull a stunt like you did on SNL this week. Your band started playing the wrong song?? Please, give us more credit than that.
I've been a supporter of yours since the begining. When my 8 year-old niece said you'd never be as punk as Avril I told her "Na uh, you're way wrong. Didn't you see her? She's got punk rock black hair, she kicks butt." Then she told her mommy on me for saying butt, but I didn't care, I was right.
I always thought we had an emotional bond. Ever since that one episode of The Ashlee Simpson show where you were like so in love with that guy then you broke up. I almost cried, but then I had to go take out the trash and I didn't see how it ended.
Not to pour salt in the wounds, but I watched Mean Girls before SNL and Lindsay Lohan totally rocked in that movie. She was funny and smart and she would sooo never lip synch a song like you did!
My offical Favorite Teen Idol list is as follows:
1. Jessica (I'm know, I'm sorry, she just is)
2. Lindsay
3. Avril
4. Christina
5. Mandy
6. Ashlee
7. Britney (skank!)

If you would have just owned up to your mistake, I would have accepted it. I could still put you at number 5 if I get a formal apology. I still love you and hope I get it. You can call me on my cell.

Ashlee Simpson Fan Club Member 45364.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

What are the chances?

I guess pretty slim. Can anyone answer me this... when you edit your profile and it asks for your birthday, what is the birthday it shows as example? It actually shows my birthday. And it showed that before I even entered it. (the example date is mine and the year is my first birthday). Is it just a 1 in 365 chance, or do the people at know a little too much about the people that are signing up??

Friday, October 22, 2004

Head Rest

right now my cat is in one of those moods where all she wants to do is sit in the nape of my neck. How great is your life when that's really all you need? You lick yourself, you eat, sleep, and climb on your owners head while he's on the internet.
Anyway, enough about my cat. We're here to talk about me right? woohoo! Well, then this will be a pretty short lived blog, cause my ass is boring! I'm a computer programmer. Fun, huh? Aside from the occasional busy day, I spend 8 hours a day trying to not look like I've been on the internet all day. It's not easy.
When I meet someone and they ask me what I do, I'm generally greeted by 1 of 3 responses: 1) "oh yeah?... hmmm" (nod head, walk away) 2) "oh yeah? What language?" "It's called MUMPS" "hmm... never heard of it." (nod head, walk away) or 3) "oh yeah? My computer's been having problems with the blah blah blah.. can you tell me what to do to fix it?" "yeah, get a new one." (nod head, walk away)
I really wonder what will become of this blog because I have no deep emotions that will make me feel better about getting them out, nor will anything I write ever touch any unlucky bastard that stumbles upon this. I guess I'm writing because I have an addictive personality and once I found this stuff I've done nothing at work but look for good ones. Other stuff I'm currently addicted to: Sirius satellite radio.. even though I don't even have it, Texas Hold Em'... even though I never play it, whiffleball... even though its getting too cold to play, Franz Ferdinand and Modest Mouse's newest cd's, bowling (I just made the bold move to the spin approach instead of straight on), and the tv shows Lost, Desperate Houswives, Extreme Makeover Home Edition, and almost every reality show. At any point in time these addictions could completely go away for no reason if something new comes into the equation. There's only so much time in the day to waste away my time.
Editors Note: I previously wrote just about this same thing while at work today and it magically disappeared... if that happens again, that's it, I'm done with this obsession.... (please don't happen again...)