If you stumbled upon this blog, or if any of my loyal readers are easily (or even not so easily) offended, please click next blog and do not return to this post.
Still reading? Of course you are… before I started writing this blog there were very few creative things I’ve done that I was proud of. A few romantic things I’ve done throughout my life and my starburst porn lead the list. About 2 Christmas seasons ago my friend and I started telling “your momma” type jokes in the form of Christmas jingles. An example of one my friend wrote was:
Hark, the herald angels sing.
When is my phone gonna ring?
Mrs. OD, please call back.
I left my lighter in your crack.
After several of these one-liners back and forth to each other, I started my own version of “Twas the Night Before Christmas.” In an amazing 10 minute spate of creativity, the entire poem spurned from my fingers in easily the most dirty, and what I think is funny, thing I’d ever written. So, read, enjoy, and you’ll certainly never look at me in the same light again… my pride and joy:
twas the night before christmas and all though my place,
people were cumming on mrs johnson's dumb face, *
the stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
as we banged her from behind and pulled on her hair,
The children were nestled all snug in thier bed,
while visions of susans boobs danced in thier heads
I wiped my cum with a 'kerchief, and then took a nap,
I crouched over her face and then took a crap
when out on the lawn arose such a clatter,
I pulled out my cock and on her face i did splatter,
away to the bathroom I flew like a flash,
mrs. johnson got up and stole all my cash,
fuck harder! fuck faster! in my throat please cum!
boy my son Bill, isn't he dumb?
no life and no friends, can't you just see?
his roommate won't even let him watch his tv. **
and then in a twinkling I heard on the roof,
someones cock knocked out her front tooth,
as I drew in my hand and was turning around,
down the chimney mrs johnson came, with a bound.
she was covered in cum from her head to her foot,
and her clothes were covered in my ass' soot.
a big black dildo she had shoved up her crack,
she looked like a crack whore just looking for smack,
cum in her eyes and in her ears how merry,
its been a long long long time since someone busted her cherry.
her mouth was full of it, just like a ho,
on her chin cum so white it looked like the snow,
she was chubby and plump, kinda looked like an elf,
And I laughed when I saw her, in spite of myself,
a wink of her eye and she was giving me head,
and with no teeth left I had nothing to dread.
she spoke not a word and went straight to work,
I filled up her ass, she finished me with a jerk,
and lying my cock right on her nose,
and licking the knob, up the chimney she rose,
she hailed down a taxi when she gave out a whistle,
he saw her and drove off, away like a missle,
but I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
"MRS. JOHNSON'S A WHORE, AND BANGS HER MEN RIGHT!!!"
* The names have been changed to protect the innocent
** denotes inside joke. If you wish to use this poem on your christmas cards this year, you could probably change that line to something along the lines of "I changed all the locks, and didn't give him a key"