Wednesday, August 31, 2005

6am in Rome

And Im blogging. How much of a fucking loser am I? The keybpard is all fucked up, so i, just typing as if i was home- We walked about 24 miles yesterday, then got drunk and titso pulled a me... She passed out on me- How rude is that__ Anyway, I.m paying by the minute to use this, so I gotta go, but thanks for all your kind words about titsoàs hotness. I gotta go wake her ass up! Arreviderce.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Best Presents

My brother gave us a video camera (home made pron coming soon!)

Titso's sister wrote a poem. Really awesome. Like, so good I might post it sometime because it should be published

Boatloads of money.

Still waiting to see what you get me.

Yes, you.

Wedding recap

As you may have read, my day started at around 4:30am when I woke up. I stayed awake and we golfed at 9am. I haven't golfed in 2 months and I played the best golf in my life. A good sign I guess. Though I did forget to bring my suit with me, so I had to drive 40 minutes to go pick it up. Anyway, most of my groomsmen met up at my friend's house and we got ready and drank some Johnny Walker and bonded. The limo picked us up and dropped us off to wait for the bride... and wait... and wait.... and wait. A half hour after the ceremony was set to begin, they arrived...

This is boring the shit out of me. The photograpers were annoying. The entire cocktail (hehe, I said cock) hour was pictures. The first dance was pretty awesome I guess. When it started we didn't think they were playing the right song, but then it kicked in and it was amazing. Several people asked us if we took lessons. Obviously the bartenders were lacing beers with crack. After the first dance, the annoyingness set in. And by annoying I mean talking to people. Trying to talk to 225 people in 10 minutes doesn't work out too well. And when you find out some people don't give you thier card until you talk to them things get hectic. AND, very early in the night I talked to one of my dad's friends and he handed me his card and told me I had to talk to all his friends to get thier cards. His card wasn't sealed, so I looked into it and saw a check for $500. I immediately ran over to all his friends, all his friends wives, and I even tried to talk to his waiters to see if they were witholding anything. Titso and I are completely blown away at the generousity of people... or at least people you talk to.

Ther'e so many stories to tell that will probably bore you so I'll just recap. Played golf. Forgot suit. Got suit. Got dressed. Rode in Hummer limo. Got married. Got choked up and had to whisper my vows to avoid crying. Titso looked unbelievable (see below). Didn't eat any hour' dourvs because of pictures. Did shots. Danced pretty good. Didn't eat much. Did shots. Was nice during cake cutting. Did shots. Took pictures. Talked to people for 3 hours. Did shots. Wanted to dance. Danced to best wedding band EVER! (as told to us by at least 10 people) Did shots. Went to cousin's afterparty. Drank beers. Went to hotel. Got upgraded to honeymoon suite. Passed out. Didn't get laid. Woke up next morning. Got laid. YEAH!!!

I'm sure I'll log on from Italy because my fantasy baseball team is winning week 1 of playoffs, so I have to check on them. And you.

Friday, August 26, 2005

It's 5am somewhere

Oh, it's 5am here. Less than 3 hours of sleep on my wedding day. A combination of nervousness and excitedness has caused my lack of sleep, and ability to make up words by just adding "ness" to the ends of them. I'm not here looking for you guys to root me on, you've done a great job of that already. I'm just excited and need to release and work out some words. I need to release in more than one way. 12 hours!

My rehersal dinner was great. My mom made like a 15 minute presentation of pictures of Kym and I growing up, then growing together. It was nice. And then my dad got up and talked. He was an emotional wreck. Which made me cry. He wrote me a poem because he says he knows I've written poems before to express my feelings and he wanted to give it a try. Which made me cry more. Then I stood up and tried to thank everyone, but I couldn't get it out without the voice trembles because being a little bitch runs in the family. I wasn't prepared to do that, which I think is the main reason I'm awake right now. At least at church I just repeat after the priest, but I'm pretty sure Kym or I will be expected to say something at the wedding, and I know she hates doing that so I'm going to probably step in. Half the people there have probably never heard my voice since I'm so quiet. So, this is what I'm thinking of saying...

I know right now Kym is nervous that I'm going to ramble on like usual, so I'll keep it short. I just want to thank Kym's parents for all thier help in putting this together. Even from Virginia you were an amazing help and support system to us trying to get this day to happen. So, a huge thank you for all your help. I'm joining a great family. And a personal thank you from me for raising such and an amazing and beautiful daughter. I can't go into my feelings for her right now or I'll end up crying. So, I'll move on and say thank you to my parents. I really can't even express in words how thankful we are for everything you've done to make this day what it is. And for me, I can't express how blessed I am to have been brought up in such a great family. And a personal thank you from me for raising such an amazing and beautiful son. I can't go into my feelings on me right now or I'll end up crying. (pause for laughs) And to everyone that has joined us today, a special shout out to you all. You all mean the world to us and we're so happy you're here today to help us celebrate. Drink up bitches!

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Happy HNT

In the words of the great Glass Tiger: Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

My Muscles

I just took a close look at my starburst profile picture. I noticed my right arm is a lot bigger than my left arm. I wonder why...

I think I'll read a few blogs today

How the fuck do you expect me to get anything done today? Seriously. I walk out of this building later today and don’t have to come back in for 19 mother fucking days!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Uh Oh

If you ever met me in non-internet person, you might be surprised at how quiet and shy I am (considering how post happy and comment whorey I can be here). Working with my fiancé, and 3 days away from the wedding, I get talked to more now than ever before. Usually people know to just ignore me, but at least 15 times a day now I get, “So, are you nervous?” I give the same answer every time, “I hate being the center of attention, so I’m not looking forward to that, but no, I’m not nervous.”

Well, yesterday when I shut down my computer, I stood up to walk out, and I thought to myself “OK, two more days of work, then I’m off to get married.” And my stomach dropped into my uterus.

Me, all my friends, my family, and a few cousins are golfing the morning of my wedding. I have a feeling I’m going to get hit in the face with an errant ball. (no sexual jokes please) (nah, go ahead). I feel like I’m going to pull my back out and I’ll have to be wheeled down the isle. The limo is going to be late. I have to check into the hotel and pick a bridesmaids husband up there… I’m going to be late. I’m going to get a ginormous zit on my face. The band is going to suck. I’m going to cry during my vows. Or laugh. I’m not going to sleep the night before. People aren’t going to have fun. No one will dance. One of my crazy relatives will make a scene. I’m going to pass out during the ceremony. Or puke. I’m not even going to get started about the first dance. The food is going to suck. The bartenders will suck. God no, not bad bartenders, please.

OR, maybe everything will be fine and I just need to get laid. Seven weeks sans sex should not be attempted by anyone.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Weekend lowlights

Friday night after 20 beers, Titso and I practiced our wedding dance for the first time. Our song is “Beyond the Sea” by Bobby Darin. The song has some pep to it, so we can’t just hang on each other. I think I’m an ok dancer and she is a self-proclaimed bad dancer. It. Was. Ugly. Tripping, broken toenails, dropped dips, and every other aspect of bad dancing took place. We’re going to embarrass the shit out of ourselves.

I’d never blame alcohol for anything, but after all that drinking and bad dancing Friday night I got a charely horse at 6am Saturday morning. I haven’t gotten one since one night 4 years ago when I had about 8 red bull and vodkas. (not real red bull, but red bull knockoff) Upon being woken up to the piercing pain, my thought process went like this “AHHHH!! Oh my God!!! A charely horse! YESS! I love charley horses!! Wait, no I don’t. owww! Stop, God make it stop! I’m so tired. So very tired... sleep please come back to me. Sleepppp…. Ouch....” zzzzzzzz…

I don’t know what the hell prompted me to think I like charley horses.

Friday, August 19, 2005


I was just about to do something work related when my boss told me I had to leave and go to happy hour. So… peace!

Is this seat taken?

It’s official. There’s a plague going on in my office. It’s name is Tim. Everyone that sits around me has either quit or been fired in the past 6 months. One cube even had two people come and go. In our team of 30 people, 5 have quit or been fired in the past 6 months, and they all have one thing in common. They sit next to me. Here’s an illustration*:

But hey, look! Here comes Titso to cheer me up!

I've been whitening my teeth, can you tell?

*I've got mad Paint skills.

Creative Juices

For some reason it seems a lot of the blogs I read are written by people who live on the wrong coast. I do have a few east coasters that I read, but the majority are from over there. Another thing I’ve noticed is that most people that blog from work seem to come in and write something right away. So when the west coasters get in, they give me something to read around noon. And I thank you all for that.

I’m not one of those people that can come in and quickly spout something off. It takes a while to get my creative juices flowing. Sometimes I’ll wake up in the morning with my creative juices raging from all my crazy dreams. So much so that I can barely contain myself. Sometimes I even roll over and unleash my creative juices on titso. Of course, it’s been a while since that’s happened. But generally, I’m the type of guy who needs to take his time. Slowly ease into my post. Get the creative juices flowing slowly at first. Then as I start massaging my post it becomes more fluid, easier to work. Then eventually my creative juices are unleashed when I hit the publish button. Which I probably won’t do for this retarded post.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

My suicide scar

For HNT this week I thought I'd post one of my scars. Last year we were dog sitting so we kept the cat on one floor and the dog on the other. By the end of the week, they were both calmly sitting by the door, so I thought they'd be ok. I picked up the cat to protect her. Bad move number one. They kinda sniffed each other when the cat flipped out. Gave me a huge x-marked scar. It's fading now, but it looked like I tried to kill myself for the first 4 months. You have to look really close to see any abnormalities. Can you see anything?

My greatest years

I just started thinking about what years of my life were the greatest. So, I had to write them down to decide.

attended Phillies world series winner (5)
1st memory of seeing vagina (7)

broke arm(11)
1st kiss(13)
spanked it(13)
got drunk (13)
hit a walk off homerun (13)
broke wrist (16)
got booty (17)
fell in love the 1st time (18)

started working for a miserable living (21)
got 1st lapdance (22)
all conference collegiate swimmer (20,21)
shagged most girls at age (23)
bought 1st house (25)
did a triathlon (27)
ran a marathon (28)
started blogging (29)
bought “forever” home (29)
will get married (29)

As of right now, it looks like 13 was my golden year. I might have to keep adding to this to decide.

The countdown continues...

One month from today I'll be 30. Ewww!!

So, what in the world are you gonna get me?

A letter to the one I love

Dear Tim,

I understand that you want to be tan for your wedding. And I know you have to suck up the gayness of a tanning salon to get there. But, when the girl asks you if you want to do the max amount of time, she’s not challenging you. You have nothing to prove. You’re going to end up with a sunburnt ass. And penis.

Love Always,

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Social Caterpillar

It’s a good thing Titso is a social butterfly. We just got surprised at work with a wedding shower and it was a good start to the bathtub o’ loot. About 30 people were there and they all chipped in for some good presents and gift certificates. It was really surprising because of the 30 people there, I socialize with a about ½ of one of them. I don’t like people, but they can be ok sometimes.

PS. I’m sorry every post is about my retarded wedding these days. Soon enough I’ll be back to posting about my ass.

PPS. I first spelled caterpillar as "Catapillar", and the suggestion from the blogger spell check? staplers.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Thank You

since Titso has done about 95% of the planning for this wedding, she's making me write the Thank You letter that goes in the church program. I'm not usually too good at saying thank you to people, but I think what I came up with is pretty nice.

"We would like to thank all of you for joining us to celebrate our big day. Everyone that is here today has affected our lives in a positive way and we are very grateful for everything you’ve done to help us get to where we are today. Except those of you who we don’t even really know. And those of you who are actually dicks and didn’t do shit for us. We want to thank everyone for the buttload of cash you better have brought with you today. Tomorrow we plan on filling our bathtub and swimming in it all. We would also like to thank our parents for creating the two best-looking humans on the face of this earth. I can’t believe how lucky I am when I look at the beauty staring back at me, in my mirror. Although this whole small penis thing I got going is kinda bullshit. But anyway, this wedding cost a lot of fucking money and we want to thank our parents for all the help with that. So, everyone better eat all their food, take a piece of cake with you, and I better see at least 5 or 6 people in the hospital lying along side me with me with alcohol poising tomorrow."

Post bachelor party fallout

I’ve got this one friend who always has to be the center of attention. Which is why I wasn’t surprised on Thursday night when he told me he was bringing his girlfriend to my bachelor party. He was supposedly already going to be downtown with her, so he was going to meet us at the strip club. Being the laid back-I-could-give-a-shit-less kind of person that I am, I said I didn’t care. I’ve been friend with him for 25 years, so I’m used to this kind of shit from him.

So, they meet us there and I was so drunk I don’t really remember much, so as far as I knew Saturday everything was fine. Until Titso told me she knew she showed up. Titso is friends with everyone. Except her. Every one of my friend’s wives/girlfriends gets along except this one girl. Her appearance did not make Titso a happy girl. At her, him, or me. She thinks I should have told my friend not to bring her. And she’s probably right, as usual. Titso’s so pissed off and feels disrespected that she wants me to un-invite her to the wedding. I avoid drama at all costs and tomorrow night at my softball game I’m going to have to tell him this. He savors drama at all costs so it’s going to be a huge ordeal and I hate this shit. I’d fight the cause with Titso to just let her be invited but my brother told me last night that this girl was supposedly yelling at me at the strip club because I was paying attention to the strippers and not to her. And that’s where the line was crossed for me.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

what I remember

Strippers love vanilla scented lotion.
It's 12:18pm and I'm still drunk with visions of ass in my face.

I forgot and remembered that I'm an assman.

Friday, August 12, 2005

I'm off to see the strippers, the wonderful strippers of Oz, because, because, because, of the wonderful things they does.

High and Dry. Low and Wet.

With this being "casual summer" at work, I’m wearing my adidas sandals today. I was just in the bathroom taking a leak. Upon completion, I did the shake thing that guys do, when there was a sudden Martix-esque slow motion time freeze. Out of the corner of my eye I watched a drop of urine slowly fall. Slowly. It dropped. Towards my exposed middle toe. Too many years of alcohol abuse to the brain prevented the message from being sent to my foot to move it. So, slowly, I watched the drop of piss land on my foot. I zipped up, washed my hands, and came back to my desk. It’s starting to dry now.

Tonight I celebrate my love for you

Five hours until my bachelor party starts. Seven hours until I’m so drunk I can’t see.

Case Study Complete

Girl boobs get more comments than man boobs.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

An HNT Quiz

1. Vince Vaughn, Clint Eastwood, Frank Sinatra, Tim. Put these people in the order of who's the coolest. What number does Tim fall in at?
2. _____ is the loneliest number
3. I am going to have ___ vagina(s) for the rest of my life.
4. The avergage penis length is 5 to 6 inches. How many inches is Tim's penis?
5. ____ more day(s) until I get some stripper boobies in my face?








Thats right!


If you answered one to all the above questions, you win. A high five. From me. Next time I see you.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

If I were a female I think I would maximize my comments by posting pictures of my boobs everyday.

Take this blood and shove it

Blood drive at work today. I tried to give, but couldn’t because I was in Punta Cana in February. I had this week’s HNT picture all planned around that. I was going to place my “Be Nice to me, I gave Blood Today” sticker strategically over a certain part of my body.

I wonder if they check your blood alcohol content when you donate. I think I’m sober, but what if I wasn’t and they gave my blood to someone and it got them drunk. That would rock.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

We won!

3-2. We rule. One more win and we're in the championship.

oh yeah, and I had 15 home runs. I'm pretty awesome, aren't I?

Is my wedding talk boring you yet?

So, I’ve recently heard that brides and grooms are supposed to exchange gifts on their wedding day. What kind of bullshit is that? The billion dollars* I spent on the engagement ring, wedding band, wedding and everything else isn’t enough? What the fuck am I supposed to get her? She’s already getting me. That’s better than any gift money can buy.

* approximately

Where is my mind?

Round two in our softball playoffs start tonight. We’ve never beaten the team we’re playing in our 5 years in the league. With half my mind on that, half my mind on the wedding, and the other half of my mind on work, I can’t think of anything to say.

Monday, August 08, 2005

fuck yeah!

I can log on again!! Thank the lord because I wouldn't have lasted too long the otherway.

Weekend by the Letters

So, I tried to send this earlier, but it didn't post.... I'll try it again...

A ss play I got: zero.
B lowjobs. Lots of blowjobs. My answer in marriage class to "What does marriage mean to you?"
C ousin of Mine. Drunkest girl at the bachelorette party
D rinks consumed: 4. My lowest weekend total ever.
E ntourgae. Entire season watched.
F our am. Time I went to bed after waiting up for Titso to get home to make sure she brought home no male strippers.
G arage cleaned.
H aloscan. Can't log onto it.
I ce cream from Dairy Queen eaten.
J ennings. Peter. Kicked the bucket.
K ana-pre. What I did for 8 hours yeterday.
L osers. What the Phillies are.
M ail-E. How I'm posting this.
N oon. Time I woke up Saturday.
O ne Thirty am. Time I stayed up till watching Miami Ink last night.
P anic. What I just did when I complained about my email. The took remote control of my computer and perused my emails.
Q uickly. How I want my email fixed.
R erdum. Watched The Shining this weekend.
S tatcounter and blogger. Can't log on to them still.
T wo fourty-five am. Time I cracked the first of my 4 beers.
U nderwear color: White. With brown stripes.
V egetebles picked from old houses' garden: tomatoes, and green, banana, and jalepeno peppers.
W edding countdown: 18 days.
X XX movies purchased: zero.
Y oung MC songs heard: zero.
Z ero: times I got Boo-tay.

Friday, August 05, 2005

This is a test

I'm testing out the "email to blog" feature in case I can't log on Monday.  Sitting at home right now.  Titso's at her bacholerette party right now.  Mine's next friday.  Can't wait to see boobs.

My blog is in Jeopardy

I'm posting from home right now. My boss told everyone to go home early because "it's too hot out." Not really sure what that has to do with anything since we work indoors, but I ran out the door anyway.

I could not log onto my blog from work today. I couldn't get on haloscan, nor could I get on statcounter.

The other week I put a request in to our desktop services to have the apostrophe removed from my email address. It causes problems, so I wanted it out. Last night they tried to remove it. It didn't work and they fucked up my email big time. They never got it back up today, so I can't be sure if my inability to log on to blogger is associated with that or what. I can't imagine it would be. I fear they may have taken a look at my email and internet usage and they may have cut me off from these three site that I'm on for 8 hours a day. I was able to see my blog, see everyone else's blogs, but I couldn't log onto to anything to leave comments or to post blogs.

If they did cut me off, I can't imagine I'll keep this blog for much longer. 99% of my blogs are written at work. I just don't have the creative drive from home that I have at work and I don't think I'd do it from here if I couldn't also do it at work. I can only hope today was a fluke.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Safe at Third

Got this bruise/scrape/raspberry Tuesday night sliding into third base. I was safe, of-fucking-course.

Happy HNT

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Ever heard this before?

I may have told this before, but I don't care. Bite Me.

I was a swimmer in college. And as in most sports and all fraternities, the freshman go through some sort of hazing/initiation process. When I was a freshman, every freshman got “ridden”. This took place after practice in the locker room. All the upper classmen stayed in the showers until a particular freshman was getting dressed. Then the upperclassmen started a slow clap. The clap built in volume and speed until they were frantic. Several people would grab the freshman while one particularly perverted upperclassman dragged his ball sack across the freshman’s face. I was the only freshman out of 7 my year that did not get ridden. My initiation was a much more public embarrassment.

It happened as practice was ending on a Monday afternoon. On Mondays the guy’s team swam before the girl’s. As we were warming down, the girls team was poolside stretching before their practice. I was swimming along when there were suddenly about 6 or 7 upperclassmen on top of me. Ripping my suit off me. I struggled to keep it on, but 1 against 7 doesn’t go too well. One upperclassman (not surprisingly, the “ridder” from the other initiation) took my suit and put it on the high dive. Oh, and our school had one of the best diving facilities in the area, so along with our diving team, there were about 6 age group divers practicing, and all the age group’s parents were sitting around watching. So, I’m in the main pool, naked, and my suit is on the high dive. I’m thinking to myself, “Fuck, what do I do?” When suddenly half of the girls team dives in the pool to start their practice. In a panic, I jumped out of the main pool and into the diving pool. After uproarious laugher from the whole guy’s team and the girl’s team who hadn’t yet started, I decided to say screw it. I got out of the pool, naked, walked up the ladder to the high dive, got my suit and jumped in the pool as about 45 people stared, pointed, and laughed at my shrinkage.

I later found out the proper protocol of this particular initiation is to just stay in the pool until someone gets the suit. Oh well, fuck it.


When it’s time for me to go to lunch and I haven’t yet blogged anything, I feel a twang of disappointment in myself. I’m not 100% sure what a twang feels like, but I’d venture to guess it feels like a mini hernia.
Not everyone can be the best at everything. Sometimes 6th place is just as rewarding as first. Even if you don’t know what the hell the website is that put you 6th.
I got nothing right now.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

I tip my 40

Six months was the longest I ever went without booty. I didn’t pop my proverbial cherry until I was in college. I was a late bloomer. I dated a girl for over a year at the end of high school, but we never did it. But, once I got started I didn’t stop. I always went from one girlfriend to another. Or at least to a hook up, or a booty call, or a friend with benefits. I dated a girl for 3 and a half years in college. When we broke up I started seeing another girl. I was a senior, she was a freshman. I was a horny 21 year old, she was a virgin. But I liked her. I respected her desire to wait. She went home for the summer, I graduated. She lived in the Hamptons on Long Island, I lived in Philly. We saw each about once a month in the summer. It was 6 months before she came back to school and we finally did the deed. 6 months. God, I was crazy.

When we broke up I moved on to the next girl. And so on and so on until I met Titso. In the 8 years since my six month hiatus, I can’t remember going the four weeks I just went without it.

This is my tribute to booty. I love you booty. I missed you booty. I’ll see you again in 24 days booty.

You had me at HBO

When Entourage ended last season we canceled our HBO because it’s a rip off when there’s no new shows on. We just got it back and I spent two hours last night watching the first 4 episodes of this season On Demand. That show is so fucking awesome I want to kick stuff. Then, when I was about to turn the tv off, I noticed You Got Served was on HBO. What a high quality flick that is! I don’t know about you guys, but I think Omarion is the next Sidney Poitier.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Bump in the road

Did you really expect me to go 7 weeks? Did you really expect me to move into a new house and not christen it? You should be ashamed of yourselves.

2/3. 1/2.

2 out of 3 posts about Titso.
2 out of 3 posts about the size of my manhood.

Yesterday when we were shopping for the connection wires for the dryer I picked up what I needed. Titso said “Are you sure that’s right?” I said “Yeah, it’s a ½ inch pipe. Plus it has ‘O.D.’ on it, so I know its for me.” (OD is my nickname. And I have no idea what the O.D. stood for on the wire.) She said “A half inch pipe for OD? That sounds about right.”


Welp, we moved this weekend. Moving is so much fun. I highly recommend breaking your back for several days in a row. You can’t beat the funness in that! And what I really can’t wait for is the house to explode. Our dryer was electric, and we couldn’t put it in the new house, so we had to buy a gas dryer. And I had to hook it up myself. It’s going to be such a laugh when our house explodes when we’re cooking dinner tonight. Someday we’ll look back and giggle!

But, in actuality, the house is amazing. I can’t believe this is my life sometimes. Until I look at myself naked in the mirror and I’m brought back to reality.