Sunday, May 28, 2006

Is this it?

Bloody show but no contractions. Doc said to head to the hospital.

I played poker today. 60 people. I won. Could be a great day!


update : 1:08am Just got back from hospital. Contractions have started, but they sent us home. Right now they're every 5 minutes, we have to wait until they're every 3.

STILL nothing

Friday, May 26, 2006

Working from home

With the world's most annoying cat.

Have a good long weekend. I'll stop by with any news.

Thursday, May 25, 2006


Starburst porn is awesome. But, would you feel creepy if your dad made Starburst porn? I wonder if I have to retire.

four days overdue

Thats all for now.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

2 poorly created polls today

Girl's name

Things I'm too old for

Last night I had a softball game. I wear shorts. I was on 2nd base when a guy hit a bomb. It was caught and the outfielder fell backwards. I tried to tag up from 2nd to home (3rd base coach’s call). I slid, I was out. I got a bruise on my ass, a scrape on my leg, and cut my arm. But we won! We're 4-1 for the first time ever. Softball’s awesome.

As requested

no baby yet

Monday, May 22, 2006

Hairy and the Hendersons

As Fall turns to Winter, Winter turns to Spring, and Spring turns to Summer, there’s one thought that is on everyone’s mind: how does my chest look in a bathing suit? In particular, my nips. In particular, my nip hair. For pretty much my whole life I was not a hairy person. But, since I was a swimmer, I had to shave my entire body several times a year, which, scientifically proven or not, made me a hairier person. All of the hair on my chest grows at the same rate except the hairs around my nipples. It’s probably a 3 to 1 growth ratio. If chest hairs are manly, these hairs are Supermanly. Example:

So, this leaves my nipples in a quandary. I am not a chest shaving kind of person, so how do I treat these freak hairs? Do I trim them to be the same size as the rest of my manly chest hairs? Do I shave them? Do I let them spread their wings? Wax? Yank? It’s impossible to decide. It’s decisions like this that make me glad I’m not a girl.


A true alcoholic builds up such a tolerance for alcohol that beer just doesn’t do the job for them. A drug addict goes from weed to coke to anything stronger to get them high. I think my wife has become a pregaholic. When she got pregnant she stopped drinking and doing anything that would harm the baby. She tried to take it easy, but that didn’t last long. She joined a bowling league and didn’t stop bowling until somewhere around week 36. She traveled across the country up until the doctor told her to stop. Every weekend she spends about 4 hours outside on her hands and knees gardening. Her feet hurt too much to go on long walks too much anymore, yet she’s on her feet cleaning or doing something around the house for about 6 hours a day. She’s built up a tolerance to the 7-8 pound baby inside of her. One day past due and I don’t see an end anywhere in sight. The raspberry tea, mac and cheese with Worchester sauce, bumby roads, sex, or whatever other things are supposed to induce labor just won’t work. She’s immune to what’s going on inside of her.

Friday, May 19, 2006

A failed post

I tried to make a list of things I will be doing this weekend with each thing starting with a letter of the alphabet. But, as it turns out, if we don’t have this baby, then I’ll pretty much be sitting on my ass all weekend trying to get rest while it’s still possible.

I changed the tone of my other blog from Super Sperm to the real baby blog so I wouldn’t talk about baby crap here. But when I sit back and try to think of something to write about all I think about is baby crap. Baby crap, or tv shows. Speaking of which, how great was the season finale of the Office? I wasn’t around last week to talk about it. It was awesome, but is the show now ruined? The inter-office flirting won’t be as interesting if they actually get together, and it will stop if they don’t. Maybe next season will be all about Dwight and Angela.

** Addendum **

I have an unhealthy man-love for Britney's new mustached bodyguard.

Courtesy of Trent

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Things are starting to trickle back to normal at work and hopefully my blogging will get back to normal. I was busy all day yesterday, but I needed a day away from the madness, so I worked from home. I worked all day, but I was able to work while Jerry Springer was in front of me. It was a “Marry me right now” episode. I know this is going to sound shocking, but the people that wanted to get married later found out their loved one was cheating on them. Usually with someone of the same sex. Madness!

Anyway, no news on the baby front. No dialation. No nothing. All those labor inducing old wives tales are bullshit! Bullshit I say!

I was out last night at a softball game then dealing poker so I didn’t get to watch Lost yet. I can’t wait to go home and watch that and the finale of amazing race. Thank God I have two tivos! Though last night we needed a thurd because Titso and I are obsessed with Dateline’s To Catch a Predator. Those guys should all be put to death.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Grey's Boreotomy

I just started getting into this show earlier this year. And all I have to say is that was just about the most boring/stupid season finale ever. The black dude won’t lose control of his hands. Unless she wanted to leave the show, the big boobed chick won’t quit. I knew from the first episode I ever watched that Denny would kick the bucket. There was about an hour in the middle of the show that I just wanted to fall asleep. Meredith is in love with McGayey like a stupid high school girl and it’s annoying. They stole a heart? Come on. And then a doctor from another hospital performed a heart transplant on a whim? Retarded. I can’t wait for Desperate Housewives this week to get my dose of good tv… Uh huh…

Oh, and the most emotional part of the show? When the dog died.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Sex, boobs, and Mac and Cheese

Titso is a mere 6 days from due. We've decided that we want the baby to come this Wednesday. My b-day is Sept. 17th, her's is June 17th, so it would be cool if the baby was May 17th. (Everytime we watch Deal or No Deal we pick case 17. We'd be two rich bitches right now) So, for the next day and a half we're going to try every labor inducing wives' tale in the book. Tonight it's Mac and Cheese with Worcester sauce. Tomorrow is the never-fail labor inducing sex. 2 minutes of pleasure followed by 20 hours of pain. Got any other suggestions for me?

Thursday, May 11, 2006

A post

Sorry for those of you who thought I was off being a dad. No baby yet.

On April 30th I installed a software program written by myself and the girl I work closely with. Two days later it was discovered that the coding she did caused problems. Big Problems. We reversed the code and I worked more than I ever have helping to get that problem resolved. All of last week I worked crazy hours.

This past Tuesday was the worst day of my professional career. It was discovered, after 9 days, that the code I wrote had a gigantic problem. Not an easily recognizable problem, but one with enormous consequences. On Tuesday I wanted to quit, go home, pack my house, move to China, or go somewhere that no one knows my name (Norm!). For the past three work days I've been working with everyone who can possibly help me to get this resolved. A team of about 15 people will still be working through tomorrow to help me get this resolved and another 15 will be talking me off the ledge.

Every post I've written over the past two weeks was written at home, or contrived in my head at home. Very rare for me. So, while I can pretty much gaurantee I won't have a post tomorrow, I hope I can can get a few minutes to read everyone's blogs. And what I can definitely do is wish Giselle good luck getting married this weekend, and have you tell Titso good luck if I don't post anymore before the baby.

I hope to be back to normal soon. Boobs!

Wednesday, May 10, 2006


What the hell do I get Titso for soon to be Mother's Day?

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Real-time Blaining

8pm – the show begins.

8:01pm – this is horrible. Fast forward to the end.

9:45pm – David is getting a countdown to when he is going to start the “magic trick”

9:45:30 – 30 more seconds until he starts

9:45:55 – Fuck this, I can hold my breath for 9 minutes too, I’m going for it.

9:46 – I take my last breath. My record breaking breath hold begins.

15 seconds – This is going to be easy.

30 seconds - The clock is practically moving in fast motion. This is the worlds easiest trick.

1 minute – still strong. 1 down, 8 to go.

1:05 – wait, 8 more to go?

1:15 – I gotta start listening to Blaine’s coach. Soothing techniques probably work well.

1:30 – yep. Eyes closed. My feet are relaxed. My whole body is now using less energy. On my way.

1:45 – fuck.

1:50 – I might die

1:55 – I gotta beat this fucker.

2:00 – my lungs are going to explode.

2:04 – UUGUGHGH!!!

2:05 – I didn’t make it. I can’t breath. I can’t see. Am I dead? Grandpa? What are you doing in my bedroom? You’re dead, you can’t be here. What’s going on?

2:30 – I regain consciousness.

3:00 – I think Blaine is starting to undo his chains or something. I don’t care. He cheated. He was trained by Navy Seals. This show sucks.

7:00 – HA! You little bitch. You fell way short. You suck. I rule. I’d have made it to 9 minutes if I didn’t go to the bar earlier tonight.

7:10 – ahh, in true, David “I used to bang Fiona Apple” fashion, he’s having two hot chicks pull him from the water.

7:20 – whoa, that one chick has a meaty ass.

7:45 – Oh my God, that’s not a chick. I need more oxygen.

Monday, May 08, 2006

I'm tired. So Tired. I'm tired of having P.

Poker – played yesterday. Finished 6th out of 78.

Parties – Went to a 2 year old birthday, then a 50 year old birthday. Two year old’s was freakin mayhem with about 45 kids running around. 50 year old’s was freakin mayhem with all my cowokers singing karaoke.

Puke – what I almost did at 5am the morning after the parties where I went from Amstel Light, to Heineken, to vodka, to Miller Light.

Pounds – 1350. The approximate weight of the 3 yards of mulch I got delivered and moved into our gardens yesterday before poker.

Pack and Play – one of the only big things we didn’t get at our baby showers. Bought it Friday night. Yep, nothing like hittin up Babies R Us on a Friday night!

Pathetic – Desperate Housewives. I hate myself for continuing to watch that horrible show.

Py family – The Philly family that was on Extreme Makeover last week that I finally watched last night. It was probably the least sad story out of any Extreme Makeover show ever. It sucks that these kids mom and dad died, but that bad shit happens all the time. They were given a new house, $150K, and free college tuitions, and they STILL put up a link to donate more money to the family. Do they really deserve that much?!?

Picked out names yet? – The question asked a million times to Titso and I at parties.

Pee – smells from eating asparagus last night

Pixie – the skank that gave me this.

"If you'd like to play, I will give you a letter. Write ten words beginning with that letter in your blog, including an explanation of why you chose it, and then pass out letters to those who want to play along."

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Happy HPT! (Half Poem Thursday)

I’m sorry that I’ve been too busy
To write anything funny.
And now I’ve started sneezing,
And my nose is all runny.

I come into work and
I read all your blogs,
When I got home last night,
I went for a jogs.

Everyday around eleven,
I start to get real busy.
I have three parties on Satuday,
That are sure to rock the hizzy.

Something got screwed up
And I’m dousing the fire.
That black guy on Lost
Is apparently a liar.

I’ve got nothing to do right now,
So I’m writing a post.
My favorite actor from Happy Days
Is probably Donny Most.

But I’m sure in about an hour,
I’ll be stuck on a call.
The best thing about a tiger attack,
Is using the word “maul.”

And I’m sure I’ll get stuck here,
And I’ll have to work late.
I’m thinking we’ll do silent birth,
Like Tom and like Kate.

I’ll go home tonight,
I’ll be awake until One.
Today is going to be 80
With nothing but Sun.

And I’ll wake up tomorrow
And do it all over.
Red Rover Red Rover
Please shoot me.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

What pigment causes most plants to be colored green?

An hour ago if someone asked me what Chloraphil (aka, chlorophyll) was, I honestly wouldn't have been able to tell them. "Chloraphil? more like bore-a-phil!" was just a line from Billy Madison that I thought would make a good blog title. (bonus brownie points to whoever knows my original title). I thought the title was kinda fitting because as much as I'd like to sound smart, scientific or brainy, I usually just sound boring and use words that aren't real. So, anyway, I was just watching Cash Cab and the question was "What pigment causes most plants to be colored green?" I instinctivly knew the answer before it was given.

You learn something new you already knew everyday.


Until I can write something of my own today, I direct you to Pixie's prediction of what Baby-bore-a-phil will look like

S/he's beautiful!