8pm – the show begins.
8:01pm – this is horrible. Fast forward to the end.
9:45pm – David is getting a countdown to when he is going to start the “magic trick”
9:45:30 – 30 more seconds until he starts
9:45:55 – Fuck this, I can hold my breath for 9 minutes too, I’m going for it.
9:46 – I take my last breath. My record breaking breath hold begins.
15 seconds – This is going to be easy.
30 seconds - The clock is practically moving in fast motion. This is the worlds easiest trick.
1 minute – still strong. 1 down, 8 to go.
1:05 – wait, 8 more to go?
1:15 – I gotta start listening to Blaine’s coach. Soothing techniques probably work well.
1:30 – yep. Eyes closed. My feet are relaxed. My whole body is now using less energy. On my way.
1:45 – fuck.
1:50 – I might die
1:55 – I gotta beat this fucker.
2:00 – my lungs are going to explode.
2:04 – UUGUGHGH!!!
2:05 – I didn’t make it. I can’t breath. I can’t see. Am I dead? Grandpa? What are you doing in my bedroom? You’re dead, you can’t be here. What’s going on?
2:30 – I regain consciousness.
3:00 – I think Blaine is starting to undo his chains or something. I don’t care. He cheated. He was trained by Navy Seals. This show sucks.
7:00 – HA! You little bitch. You fell way short. You suck. I rule. I’d have made it to 9 minutes if I didn’t go to the bar earlier tonight.
7:10 – ahh, in true, David “I used to bang Fiona Apple” fashion, he’s having two hot chicks pull him from the water.
7:20 – whoa, that one chick has a meaty ass.
7:45 – Oh my God, that’s not a chick. I need more oxygen.