Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Real-time Blaining

8pm – the show begins.

8:01pm – this is horrible. Fast forward to the end.

9:45pm – David is getting a countdown to when he is going to start the “magic trick”

9:45:30 – 30 more seconds until he starts

9:45:55 – Fuck this, I can hold my breath for 9 minutes too, I’m going for it.

9:46 – I take my last breath. My record breaking breath hold begins.

15 seconds – This is going to be easy.

30 seconds - The clock is practically moving in fast motion. This is the worlds easiest trick.

1 minute – still strong. 1 down, 8 to go.

1:05 – wait, 8 more to go?

1:15 – I gotta start listening to Blaine’s coach. Soothing techniques probably work well.

1:30 – yep. Eyes closed. My feet are relaxed. My whole body is now using less energy. On my way.

1:45 – fuck.

1:50 – I might die

1:55 – I gotta beat this fucker.

2:00 – my lungs are going to explode.

2:04 – UUGUGHGH!!!

2:05 – I didn’t make it. I can’t breath. I can’t see. Am I dead? Grandpa? What are you doing in my bedroom? You’re dead, you can’t be here. What’s going on?

2:30 – I regain consciousness.

3:00 – I think Blaine is starting to undo his chains or something. I don’t care. He cheated. He was trained by Navy Seals. This show sucks.

7:00 – HA! You little bitch. You fell way short. You suck. I rule. I’d have made it to 9 minutes if I didn’t go to the bar earlier tonight.

7:10 – ahh, in true, David “I used to bang Fiona Apple” fashion, he’s having two hot chicks pull him from the water.

7:20 – whoa, that one chick has a meaty ass.

7:45 – Oh my God, that’s not a chick. I need more oxygen.


Anonymous said...

I missed it. Thank you for the recap. You could have totally kicked his ass tim. - BJ

HappyKap said...

You should have breathed through your ears.

Steph said...

haha, did you see how he tied his shoelaces? i tried it and it worked.

**if you missed b/c you fast forwarded, go back and try it. it's easy.

tinapopo said...

He used to bang Fiona Apple? Who knew? Well, besides you, I mean.

❉ pixie ❉ said...

How he tied his shoelaces? Are you serious? WTF?

Conti said...

I'm sorry that you failed, Tim.

Oh great One said...

7:10 made me laugh. I thought they were women at first too!

fuzzymuffin said...

David Blaine is a shit magician. Magicians don't live in a box and hold their breath, they pull rabbits out of hats and saw people in half. I didn't see one rabbit in that fishbowl.

❉ pixie ❉ said...

Or one fish. Unless you count the flounder that is DB.

Tim said...

bj- no doubt.

hk - I forgot to do that. Next time.

steph - whatever! liar.

tpp - Yeah, then when they broke up he started banging a chick that looks exactly like her.

pix - she's a total liar.

conti - thanks man. thanks.

ogo - I felt so gay when I realized one was a dude.

sarah - he's an awesome street magician, he just needs to stop doing this endurance bullshit. I love how people in london threw shit at him when he was in his box over there.

pix - ha. good one.

fuzzymuffin said...

yeah, I thought that was hilarious. One guy was selling burgers right underneath him and people were hitting golfballs at him, hahahahaha

I liked his how when he used to do magic tricks for those poor kids and they were AMAZED. this is bollocks

Think Frustrated said...

Michael Jackson once said, "David Blaine, your magic is real. I beleive in you!"

Tim, you are a homo. Leave Titso and go shack up with the "dude looks like a lady" from Blaine's special