Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Monday, December 18, 2006

Again I go unnoticed

A little over two years ago I started this blog. I wasn't much for hiding my real identity. I used my real name with my last name in my web address. In retrospect; maybe I should have made it a bit more anonymous. But, I ended up embracing my unanonimity. After a few months I posted a picture of myself. In my mind, I knew then that I'd start getting noticed in public. My voracious readership would stop me as I was pumping gas and offer to pay. I'd be pursuing the wide selections at Payless when the clerk would notice my feet from a picture I posted on my blog. I'd be swimming in the ocean when a friendly dolphin would swim up and take me for a ride based on my blogging celebrity. This was all so clear in my mind. Somehow none of this ever happened. Sunday morning I hit the mall to do all my Christmas shopping. Not a single person came up to me and hugged me and told me a tale of how my blog saved their life. Maybe it was because I ran through the mall and just grabbed whatever I could off the shelves because football was about to start. Maybe people just thought that I didn't want to be bothered in public because they can imagine how hard it is to be a celebrity blogger who has a readership of close to two dozen. Whatever the reasons, I made my 756th consecutive public appearance without being noticed. So, I think I need to post more pictures of myself so people don't forget who I am.

If you ever walk into a Sears and see a guy and a baby watching an Eagles game, this is what I look like.

Here's a refresher of what I look like brushing my teeth.

Here's me in my ninja outfit.

And finally, here I am dressed as Mr. T.

If you see me in public, come up and say hi! I'll shoo you away like you're an embarassment, but I swear it will be awesome.

Friday, December 15, 2006

The Mandate

The mandate has been issued. December 30th is man's day out. No women allowed. It's a man date. 12/30 - The Official Man Date. (did I miss any alternate uses of the two words man and date?)

That's what it comes down to theses days. Just a few years ago we would decide to go out at 10pm on a Saturday night. Now, we have to plan our drinking fests two weeks in advance. And they have to be day loads, not nights out. 7 friends. 7 dads. 7 recipes for disasters. We're all hopping on our respective local train/cab/bus/trolley/donkey and we're meeting in center city for a day of debauchery. I'm giddy with delight.

If The Mandate were a movie, who would be the star? I actually checked to see if it already existed. I thought for sure I would see a movie that I never saw staring Harrison Ford or Sean Connery or Nicholas Cage or Samuel L Jackson.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

I guess my 95% female readership doesn't agree with my views on taxes

Does anyone else hate beta blogger? I can't comment on people's sites that use beta-blogger with my regular blogger account and I can't figure out how to transfer my blogger site to the beta blogger site. And as a programmer I really don't want to use something called "beta". Beta means it's still being tested and generally that it will have you pissed off with all the bugs. It's all a pain in the ass.

This Saturday the wife, baby and I are hopping on the PA turnpike and heading to the home of the infamous Tinapopo. After a brief stint in the porn business her old blog may or may not be back. I think a little bit of peer pressure can get her to be back for good. "Cookie's" back, Popo should come back now too.

The Family Christmas card is in the process of going out. It kicks ass in a "this-is-so-stupid-I-can't-believe-they-sent-that-out" kinda way. No starburst porn as suggested by Melissa, but it's good nonetheless. I'm actually sending it to a blogger or two who's adresses I have, but I'll post it here next week. Not on my Christmas card list? Too bad, we only ordered enough for certain people. suckas!

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

I love taxes!

As promised, here is my post regarding my love for taxes.

Please note that from here forward whenever I say "taxes", I actually mean "boobs"

I love taxes! I love small taxes, I love big taxes, I love all kinds of taxes. A lot of people think that rich people should have bigger taxes than poor people. I agree. If you can afford bigger taxes, you should get bigger taxes. Rich people might complain about how much thier new taxes cost them, but it's for the good of society. Everyone is better off seeing the rich with nice, big taxes. But, taxes aren't everything. I like butts too.

The End.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Lets get political, political. I wanna get political, let's get political. Let me hear your body talk, your body talking.

I've always felt that a blog is like a party. People who talk about politics on thier blog are rude. You make people feel uncomfortable. But, after yesterday, I've changed my mind. I'm going to start talking about politics more. In the past I've written out some political posts, but never published them because I didn't want to be rude. Well, I'm going to start posting them. Here are the topics of the blogs you'll see here in the future:

I love taxes!

My Top 3 presidents of all time: James Buchanan, George W Bush, Warren Harding

My Worst 3 presidents in American History: George Washington, Lincoln, FDR

Vietnam: We came, we saw, we kicked thier ass!

My Theory on how World War I and World War II Never Actually Happened.

Osama is da Bomb-a!

The Hilter 'stash. It Works for My Daugther, It Can Work For You!

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Happy Pearl Harbor Day!!!

Does anyone else find it odd that we still remember the horrible events of Pearl Harbor on this day every year? I can see still remembering September 11th, but Pearl Harbor was like 300 years ago. Anyway, it got me thinking that I should have my own personal remembrance days. We all celebrate our personal days... birthdays, anniversaries... but why not remember the bad? I'm starting today. Here's my personal rememberance days:

Jan 8th (1979) - I ate yellow snow. Trust me kids, it only looks tasty.
March 20th (1983) - A tooth comes loose. It hangs by a string for at least an hour.
September 4th (1981) - My first day of first grade. Becky Spencer tells me I'm gross and punches me.
October 9th (1982) - Playing soccer, I find out what it feels like to get kicked in the nuts.
November (every year) - The Annual Donovan McNabb injury month.
December 23 (1983) - Brad Hunenstien tells me Santa is not real

In remembrance I plan to not work on any of these days in 2007.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Tis the season...

Tis the season to put up lights and take a really bad picture of them...

Tis the season to put a Christmas Village atop of the Entertainment center...

Tis the season for Starburst porn...

Tis the season to high five in the middle of a threesome...

Tis the season for Interspecies Erotica...

Tis the season for some crazy S&M shit...

Tis the season for voyeristic masturbation...

Tis the season to roast your chestnuts on an open flame...

Tis the season for the ho's ho's ho's...

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Why I haven't posted in 8 days...

I just started a new blog post but it sucked so I deleted it. Rinse, repeat.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Computers are useless

When I went back to school to get my computer science degree I took a Database class. We did a project where the final result was stating what we thought would be more successful in terms of booksales, actual Barnes and Noble bookstores, or (Looking back, I have no idea what this had to do with learning Database.) It was when Amazon first came out and everyone was an internet millionare and everyone was sucking's hypothetical cock. I was the only person in the class who thought the actual bookstores would continue to exist. Everyone else in the class predicted Barnes and Noble would be out of business in 3 years. They also predicted amazon would invent teleportation and GM would go out of business by now too.

Well, I have no idea who was right. I think there's still Barnes and Nobles, but I can't say I've been to one in a long time. I do know there are still real life bookstores and the internet is for nerds. Everyone was so excited about the quote/unquote "Internet" back then, and everyone thought quote/unquote "Computers" were the future.

And we all know everyone was wrong about computers. Computers can't solve everything. Computers suck when it comes to trying to draw a turkey from the outline of your hand.

happy thanksgiving to all you Americans. To all you Canadians and English people, Shalom or whatever.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Masterpiece Theaters

Friday night we went to the local Pub, ate dinner, then rented a movie. Got home, put the baby to bed* and sat back to watch the first masterpiece of the weekend. John Tucker Must Die. When you put the JTMD dvd in you are prompted for "Theatrical Version" or "Unrated Version". I wonder if in the history of men anyone who has ever been presented this choice has chosen Theatrical Version. Being a bad comedy I knew that the choice was actually "Theatrical Version" or "Theatrical version with one added scene of completely unnecessary nudity". My wife fell asleep within 10 minutes and I toughed it out waiting for the boob shot. 90 minutes later, there were no boobs and no curse words that I can remember. Worst Unrated Version ever. On my A to Z scale of movie grading I give it somewhere between a U and a V.

Saturday was much of the same. This time it was The Break Up. I heard Jennifer Aniston showed her booty in this movie, so I knew I wouldn't be let down. (Yes, nudity is the only reason to rent comedies these days). But, of course I was disappointed with only a blurry image of what may or may not have been her ass. I actually giggled once or twice during this movie. I give it a K+.
Sunday I went to the worst football game ever.

This week. Only 3 days! Does anyone know if there's nudity in Accepted? I figure there has to be.

*I don't think I have mentioned this yet. The baby started talking last week. She's saying "Dad". Well, "Da." And she seems to have a 3 "Da" per week limit. She said it 3 times last Sunday, then not again until saying it 3 times yesterday morning. I dare you not to tear up a little when your daughter says "Da" for the first time. Bet you a dollar you can't do it.

Edit! The Daily Dump is Back! You see all you quitters. It's ok to come back!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006


My wife was in a car accident on her way to work yesterday. She's ok. Just a little sore today. She was driving down a road going about 35 mph when the car in front of her slammed on his breaks and hit the car in front of him, which was stopped waiting for someone to turn, and Kym hit him. According to the police report, the guy claims he didn't hit the car in front of him... that he was pushed into the car in front of him when Kym hit him. I left work when Kym called me and went to pick her up because the car wasn't driveable. By the time I got there the tow truck guys had cut a piece of the bumper off to make the car driveable. I gave her my car and I took hers to a shop to be looked at. They declared it undriveable and gave me a $6700 estimate. I have no idea how things will work out with the other cars because of the disputing accounts of what happened. The disputing accounts of what happened made me instantly hate the other guy. Of course I believe my wife, so I have to hate the other guy for lying about it. I'll never know exactly what happened, but I do know that his truck had to be towed and they let Kym drive off. His rear was fine, so how could the front be messed up worse that the car that hit him if he supposedly was only pushed into the car in front of him? He was just leaving the scene as I got there and his wife showed up a few minutes later looking for him. I hated them both. It's amazing how after the inital finding out that everyone's ok my emotions turned to anger. And I'm not an angry person. You motherfuckers.

In funnier news, I wrote a story on my baby blog.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Worst day at work ever

Access to this web page is restricted at this time.

Reason: The Websense category "Sports" is filtered.

It's only a matter of time now before that url reads

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Three and a half hours

What is "The amount of sleep Tim got last night?"

**** detailed update***

Yes, I got 3 and a half hours of sleep and I blame it on the baby, though it's partially my fault. I work Wednesday nights as a dealer in a private poker game. I brought the baby to my moms and we both spent the night there. I fed her and got her ready for bed and left as my mom was putting her to bed at 8. I got home from dealing at midnight and, like an idiot, I had to watch Lost. So, I finally fell asleep around 1:15 and was awoken a half hour later. Up for 45 minutes with her, then back to sleep. Up for good at 5:40. So, I dropped her off at daycare and I went home to work from there because I'm like a zombie. About a half hour after I posted this I figured out a problem at work that I've been working on for two and a half straight days. My lack of sleep is a total non-factor now because I'm so happy I solved that issue. And I can't wait to pick her up from daycare to play with her.

And the pudding on top of the cherry on top of the cake that I will have and eat too is that I just pulled chicken out of the fridge to make a pesto chicken sandwhich for dinner tonight. Score!

Monday, November 06, 2006

Bumps in the night

Last night we put the baby to bed around 8 and settled in for some TV. About 20 minutes later we heard some rumbling around coming from upstairs. A few minutes later we heard it again. We checked the baby monitor and she was still sleeping, but it sounded like the noise was coming from in her room. And so began the opening scene to every 80's horror movie made.

Kym asked me to go check it out, so being the stud that I am, I hopped right up to investigate. But, I had to grab a weapon first. I looked around the room and grabbed what I thought would do the most damage to the alleged baby stealer who was really bad and kinda just making a lot of noise. So, I grabbed a piece of firewood. I knew the big pieces would be too difficult to maneuver like a light saber to do the most damage, so I grabbed a smaller piece. Actually, I grabbed a piece of kindling. And when I grabbed it I gave myself the tiniest little splinter. I screeched like a little girl and wanted to sit back down and sulk. But, my baby was in danger, so I headed off. My smarter wife stopped me and told me it might be a little more wise to use a metal fireplace tool rather than give the kidnapper a few splinters. I knew I married her for a reason.

I grabbed the poker thingy and headed off. As I ascended the stairs I started thinking to myself, "What would I really do if some big murderer guy jumped out at me?" I'd freeze. I'd scream. I'd cry. I'd make a feeble attempt at a swing and I'd run. I'd run and I'd run and I'd still be running right now. Unless he touched my baby. Then I'd fuck his shit up. So, I kept that in mind as I approached the door. The door to the room was closed. I knew there would be a confrontation. We never close the door. Inches from the door I paused. I said a little prayer, I opened the door, I closed my eyes, and I started swinging. Sharp fireplace poker flying madly in the dark. But, alas, I didn't hit anything. The source of all the noise was slightly shorter than where I was swinging.

Kym leaves for Kansas first thing tomorrow morning. Me and the baby and the cat and the fireplace tools alone for a week. Wish me luck.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

It's like crack, only more delicious

As recently as two weeks ago I didn't like pesto. I'm not sure what turned me off, but if I saw something with pesto on it, it may as well have been topped with pigeon shit. Or even worse, guacamole. Both are green, and both look a little bit like diarrhea. I don't like to eat green things, and I only eat my shit whole.

Then, when I was on vacation in August someone made their own guacamole. Out of respect I tried it, and it tasted a little bit like nothing. So, I learned to deal with guacamole. Nowadays, when I get a quesadilla and they ask me if I want guac on the side, I say yes. I don't actually eat it, but it can touch my plate, and I feel like the Mexican guy behind the counter respects me a little bit more than that douchebag behind me who doesn't get it.

Fast forward to last Tuesday. Tuesdays are my wife's night to go bowling. She goes straight from work and gets home around 7:30 or 8. So, it's up to me to get the baby fed and ready for bed, and to make dinner for Kym and I. I don't know how single parents do it, because this is no easy task. Most nights I make something easy that can just be thrown in the oven when Kym gets home. Last week I wanted something different. I decided I would make chicken sandwiches. I tried to pick a flavor that we both like, and that was Italian. I have no idea if pesto is even Italian, but for some reason I decided that I'd put pesto on them. And, of course, I made the greatest chicken sandwich of all time.

The downfall to making the greatest sandwich of all time is that I've become addicted to pesto now. Last night we had beef stew and I found myself wondering if it would taste good with pesto. In the middle of the night the baby wakes up and I bring her downstairs to have a bottle. As I get the bottle out of the fridge, I see the pesto looking at me through the corner of my eye. I can feel that it wants me as bad as I want it. I get angry at Daylight savings time because 4:00am is not an appropriate time to eat pesto. 5:00am, yes, but 4:00am is just absurd.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. I think I just feel guilty because I just had another chicken sandwich with pesto. I'm so ashamed. Tell me you'll still love me when I'm turning tricks on the streets for a bite of some four cheese pesto ravioli.

What should she be?

A chicken or a Leopard?

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Wanna see my Nuts?

About twice a month we have vendors set up in the lobby or the cafeteria selling stuff. There's a rotation between a dude selling cd's, a chick selling stuffed animals, and a chick selling books. They rotate and come every 3rd month, but there is one steady vendor here every month. Some dude selling his Nuts. He actually calls them his Nut'z. For those of you that don't have Nut'z you probably think the same way I did at first... there's only like 3 kinds of nuts: peanuts, cashews, and almonds. How's he going to make any money selling that crap? Well, you'd be wrong. How ignorant of you to think like that.

He sets up and before long, people flock. I think people in thier cubes have a spidey-sense that the Nut'z are here. It's like pigs to slop, like flies to shit, like pedophiles to a Dateline sting. People go Nut'z (tee-heehee!). I'm not sure if people actually buy the Nuts, or they just pretend to be interested for the perks. The perks being free samples. "They get one peanut, one cashew and one almond... how great can that be?", I hear you ignorants thinking. Well, much to the shock of the non-Nutty informed community there's tons of varietys of Nuts.

When I saw him in the lobby today I knew I had to express to you, my faithful dozen readers, just how amazing the variety is. So, I decided for the first time ever, I'd grab a free sample or two. Or three, or four, or seventy-one. Yes, there are seventy-one varieties. My plan was simple. Walk down the line, act interested, grab a nut, pretend to put it in my mouth, then with a magician-like slight of hand, put the nut in my pocket. I'd do this over and over until I had 71 nuts in my pocket. (tee-heehee!) I'd go back to my desk, empty the booty onto my desk, and take a picture to show the world my nuts.

But, I chickened out.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Nobody Loves Me, Everybody Hates Me, I'm Gonna Eat Some Worms

I tried to let it go a few days, but it seems as if nobody's going to wish me a happy blogeversay. Thanks a lot! Just when I thought you cared.

Last year I wrote a MSPaint assisted recap of my first year. I figured I'd do the same for my second. In my first year of blogging I got engaged, married, and got my wife preggo. Not as much happened in my second year, but here it is nonetheless.

My mom fufilled her life (two year) long dream of dancing with Ellen on her tv show.

I redesgined my blog template to be a shrine to Hilary Duff. Tinapopo redesigned it based heavily on my bedsheets which she claimed to have never seen.

A lot of bloggers went away.

The coolest baby ever was born.

I met a blogger who dropkicked said baby across the resturaunt.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

A poem

I've been too busy to have time to blog,
When I grow up I want to be a frog.

I've barely clicked on any of my links,
Someone's eating tuna and it really stinks.

I'll still be busy for the next few weeks,
Can birds give oral with those big beaks?

I'm stressed all the time, but the days fly by,
Is snuffleupagus a girl or a guy?

I'm not "on a break", but I don't have the time,
two nickels or ten pennies equals a dime.

I hope you don't feel like I'm neglecting you all,
I can't finish this right now.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Listen up!

Not only am I not quitting, but this is the first week since April 17th that I posted all 5 days of the work week. And, I actually think I've posted 5 times because I've been busy as hell and tried to take advantage of my breaks. Granted, all the posts this week have been shite. So, to make up for it, I'm posting a picture of my ass:





And for no extra cost, you get the dvd extras including the outtake of what my first ass drawing was. Thank God I didn't post that piece of shit. That would have made me look like a bad artist.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Wednesday, October 11, 2006


Before Titso went on maternity leave she did a fair amount of traveling for work. While I would miss her while she was gone, it was kind of nice to have a few days on my own to go play poker, eat cereal for dinner, and not shower or change my underwear. She stopped traveling in her third trimester and has thus far avoided it since returning to work. She was told last week she was needed in Kansas on the 16th of this month, but got out of it by guaranteeing she would go for the week of November 6th. Leaving me with the baby. A single dad of a 5 month-old. So, my question: Do I divorce her now, or later?

Tuesday, October 10, 2006


A week from Sunday marks my two year blogiversary. Pretty pathetic.

In an unrelated story, two guys that started a website about six month after me just made $1.65 billion. Pretty pathetic. It was bought by google, the same company that runs blogger. So, it's only a matter of time before youtube crashes everyday, you can't log on, and you can't upload anything.

In a very related story, I write all my blog posts in Word or in an email to make it look like I'm composing a work related document. (Yes, most of my work related documents contain pictures of bears attacking girls in a towel in a log cabin.) So, when I just went to login to blogger to post this... I couldn't! Surprise, Surprise.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Congrats Detroitians

Going through a few blogs this morning I was reminded of how wonderful of a weekend this was. Not only did the Eagles beat the Cowboys with TO doing nothing, but the stadium chanting my name the whole game (“OD… OD, OD, OD.. Ohhh D Ohhh D..”) made it that much more special. But nearly matching this greatness was watching the Yankees lose in the first round again. There’s nothing I love more than watching a $200 million lineup full of overpaid ex-Phillies go down in flames.

As awesome as it was, I think that Detroit celebrated waaay too much. Yeah, they went from a team that lost about 150 games 3 seasons ago to a team that beat the Yankees in the playoffs, but was it really worth all this?

The celebration started off normal enough. A little champagne celebration.

Then the champagne seemed to get violent. This stream went through the roof and drown a young child.

I thought it was a bit careless when they let a bear out to celebrate. It didn’t even make sense either. You’d think they’d have a tiger instead of a bear.

I really started questioning the celebration when they blew up the stadium. I guess they’ll have to play the rest of their games on the road.

Then the final straw in this ridiculous celebration. When did Detroit get The Bomb?

Thanks to Roonie for the real pics

Friday, October 06, 2006

I had a dream

The other night I had a dream that one of my wife's hair's somehow got wrapped around my tonsils. It was in a tight knot and I couldn't get it undone. It didn't hurt or anything, it was just annoying walking around with a long hair hanging out of my mouth. I have no idea what that means. It probably has something to do with how the Eagles are going to win the superbowl this year.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

working from home

I'm not sure who to blame, so I guess I'll blame blogger. I was on youtube trying to post these, what I guess is over a week ago now. Nice service.



Tuesday, October 03, 2006

The best hour of my day

Since I don't have much funny to say lately and Monday's school killings happened about 30 minutes from where I live I thought I'd get serious for once.

Last night I got home from the Eagles game and got to sleep around 2am. I took the day off work and basically relaxed all day for a change. I also made it official: now everyone in the world has finally seen Pirates of the Caribbean. Having the day off reminded myself just how much working for a living sucks. We spend half of our waking hours doing shit we most likely don't want to do. One of the only enjoyable things I do during my 8 hours at work is peeking at blogs while looking over my shoulder to see if anyone sees me doing it. So, basically half of our waking hours are dreary.

For the past month the best part of my day has been the part of my day I used to spend sleeping. Up until a month ago I would wake up at 7:30, kiss Kym and Kenslee goodbye as they still slept (while Kym was still home on maternity) and head off to work. A little over a month ago Kenslee's sleeping patterns changed and I no longer need a 7:30 alarm. I have a 6:30 alarm clock made from my own flesh and bones. Now everyday Kym and I have the same schedule. Kenslee starts crying at 6:30. Kym gets up and gets in the shower. I get up and change and feed Kenslee. Being a dad of a 4 month-old is no walk in the park. It has been just as difficult and just as rewarding as I always pictured it would be. Kenslee is fussy a lot, but in general her best time of the day is after a long sleep. Kenslee and I spend about an hour hanging out every morning while Kym showers and gets ready for work. She eats, she smiles, she laughs, she watches Sportscenter with me, she makes faces that make me laugh, she makes waking up an hour earlier than I used to completely worth it. It's the best hour of my day.

Over the weekend Kym and I were talking about the school killings from last week and she said that she just couldn't see it ever happening at the high school Kenslee will eventually go to. And, now with it happening in an Amish school a few towns over, it's obvious it could happen anywhere. As a new dad, it pains me to think of what it must be like for the victim's families. I couldn't imagine waking up at 7:30 again.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Celebration Day!!! part 2

Thursday is Celebration Day here at work. After a disaster last year, I'm hoping to bounce back and celebrate like crazy this year. Among the list of activities I'm set to kick ass in:

Football Throwing contest - I can throw a football over those mountains
NFL trivia game - I can name all 32 teams and the capital of the state they play in. Example: New York Giants: Capital City: Trenton
Limbo contest - I'm not gay
Pie Eating contest (Chocolate creme) - I don't eat anything with that little slash over the e.
Pumpkin decorating contest - My winning design
Penalty flag throwing contest - I don't even know what the hell that means, but it sounds like something I will rule.
College Mascot trivia game - College is for nerds
Volleyball, Frisbee, Badminton - I, will, dominate.

Friday, September 22, 2006

The great Entertainment debate of 2006

Since Softball Slut asked, here's what happened:

Last night we started to empty the entertainment center that is currently in the family room. The plan was to move the old tv, with that, to the basement. As we were pretty much done emptying it, I realized that the ec wouldn't fit around the bend to the basement. So, our options changed:

1. get rid of old entertainment center, buy a new entertainment center for downstairs, buy a second entertainment center, or whatever, for the family room.

2. Leave the old tv/ec upstairs, put the hdtv downstairs. Buy sofas, and an entertainment center for down there (or put it on the wall... still up in the air).

We went with option two. We have a giant finished basement with nothing in it. This will motivate us to furnish it. I will have to watch the philles and eagles in high def while sitting on a folding chair for now, but in about 2 months when downstairs is finished, and I have the full set up, including hdtv, surround sound, bar, foosball table, pool table, ping pong table, olympic sized pool, hot tub, water slide, and indoor track, I will be a very happy man.

Win. Win. Win.


File this show under things to never lay my eyes on.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006


Every Sunday I check to see if my Postsecret made it. I'm still saddened that it never did.

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Monday, September 18, 2006

Just agree with me

So, the wife and I are butting heads over what to do about the new TV we got. The cable guy is coming out of Friday to hook it up. The TV doesn't fit in our old entertainment center, so we have to get something new. I want to mount the tv to the wall and run the wires through the wall and down into a small entertainment unit to hold the tivo and dvd player... something cheap for like $100. The tv is somewhat light and will be dangerous in a few years when kenslee is old enough to grab at it. It's pretty much the best way. Here's what it would look like.

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Kym wants to get a whole new entertainment system for like a million dollars. Here's what that would look like.

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Obviously my way is better, right?

The Eagles ruined my birthday

Go read Popo's account of our dinner on Friday.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006


A few months ago I noticed my statcounter was approaching 100,000 “unique visitors”. I thought that was pretty cool and I developed a plan. The plan was to have my 100,000th hit occur for the first person who looked at my blog on my two-year blogging anniversary. At that point the plan was to award that person with $100,000. $100,000 or 100,000 hugs. Visitor’s choice.

After a few weeks I noticed the number was getting closer to 100,000 faster than I planned. So, I started writing bad posts to keep people away. For nine straight months I wrote bad post after bad post and my plan seemed to be coming to fruition. Then Lance Bass got gay and my plan was shot to hell with about 10,000 hits. Actually, if you take away those LB hits, take away the Adrienne Curry hits, take away the naked Brad Pitt hits, take away the hits of me pressing the refresh button, take away the “chloraphil” google hits, and my actual number is somewhere around 47 unique visitors. So, to those 47 people that have read my blog over the past year and a half, I thank you.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

I can’t remember the last time I did it twice in one day.

Today at work we’re having our annual employee checkup type thing. We give a couple of vials of blood to be tested, and then we fill out an online survey about our health. They ask questions about your exercise, eating, drinking, safety, and general health habits. It’s one of the many times of the year I have to lie about my excessive crack cocaine/drinking/drinking and driving/bulimia and anorexia addictions. We get back an extensive analysis of our health and our blood. It’s like getting some expensive tests for free. And everyone who participates gets a discount on his or her health insurance. It’s a win-win-win situation. (I just looked on YouTube for a clip of The Office when they did the win-win-win situation about the poster that Angela loves of babies playing the saxophone, but I couldn’t find it.)

So, this morning I donated my blood and I’m praying I don’t end up like before. I should be fine, it was just a quick in and out job. Afterwards, I’m walking back to my desk when I see some dude being hauled off on a stretcher. Sweating like it’s 140 degrees, and shaking like it’s 140 below. His face looked to be preparing for death and it scared the shit out of me. And now I just heard three other people passed out from giving their blood. So, if this is my last post, tell my wife I


Life is Good.

Eagles won. Redskins lost. Cowboys lost. Giants lost.

My fantasy team is 1-0 with high score for the week (Larry Johnson, Chester Taylor, Terrell Owens, Chris Chambers, Kellen Winslow, John Carney, The Bears, and Hasselbeck [though with the draft being Thursday, I was able to start Charlie Batch for last week]). I’m great.

Work is busy and that’s actually good.

Softball tournament on Saturday.

My birthday is Sunday.

The only thing bringing me down right now is the plans my wife made with Tinapopo for dinner on Friday.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Win, Lose, or Draw

The category is Action.... Ready? Go!

No... um... here...

close.... uh....

Right... ok sounds like...

Yes! you got it! or did you?

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Yet another stressful day at work

It seems like I went through a four-year period where I had a total of four stressful days. Now, suddenly I have two in one week. A holiday shortened week at that! The presentation went well the other day. It was a major step at getting a promotion at the end of the year. But today’s stress seems to be ten times worse. Today’s stress involves making decisions that will greatly reward or greatly distress me, day in and day out, over the next 17 weeks.

Yes, tonight is my fantasy football draft. If I get the number one pick, who do I take? Is Tiki Barber worthy of the number 4 pick? I was let down by his scumbag New York counterpart, A-rod, in baseball this year. How early will Manning go? Do I dare draft TO at all? Today is the most stressful day of the year.

I tried to distract myself from the stress by rearranging the link list, but I think that only stressed me out more.

PS. Stressful, Plentiful, bountiful, beautiful, crapoful. Doesn't it seem like these words should have two l's on the end of them? I mean, it's basically just saying, Full of Stress. Shouldn't it be stressfull? Stupid.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

My parents never got divorced, but now I know what it feels like

First Queen of Pink disappeared, then Chuck hung em up, and now The Daily Dump has quit. Three of my favorite blogs gone within a week of each other. All three are on the top four link lines and none of them every bought me anything, so you know I just plain liked them. Three of the best, down the drain. I blame no one but myself.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006


At 2 o’clock I have to give a two hour presentation that will be a major factor in my year end review in which I’m hoping to get a promotion. If I screw this up, I’ll probably be stuck in my same position for the rest of my life. Actually, I’ll probably be demoted to janitor. I haven’t given a real presentation since senior year in college nine years ago. I’m not a very good public speaker. Actually, I’m not a very good private speaker either. This sucks. I hate this shit. I hope the world ends in the next two hours.

********* UPDATE! ************

It went better than I expected. It was a lot more interactive two hours than I thought it would be. And I guess that's good, right? When your audience falls asleep: bad. When your auidence talks more than you: good. The only really scary part was when someone asked a question I couldn't answer. I started to get hot around the collar, then decided to rip my shirt off, hop up on the table, go to bablefish translator, and I yelled "¡míreme, yo están desnudo en la tabla con una pantalla en mi cabeza!" Though, I'm pretty sure bablefish was wrong because I always though table was "mesa", not "tabla". So, that was embarassing.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Best Dad Ever

No, not me. My dad.

Last night Kym and I sat down for dinner when the door rang. It was my parents. We finished up dinner as they played with the baby. After we finished they said they had a present for us. We went out the the car and helped them carry in a brand new 40 inch Sony HDTV. I don't know why he bought it for us, but I'm sure not complaining. How sweet is that??!?

Also, I'm still getting about 50 hits a day of retards looking for lance bass pictures. Does anyone know how to delete that post out so I don't get the hits? It's over a year old and more than 300 posts ago so I don't know how to get rid of it.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Typing with my eyes closed would have been hard

So, yesterday I hit Publish and started my no-reading protest. I decided that by not reading I would be protesting the inhumane killing of elephants in Chad, Africa. These innocent elephants are being killed by poachers for their sweet, sexy, delicious, ivory tusks. Upon hitting Publish I saw "Please wait while your..." and I immediately shut my eyes in protest. But, alas, I realized I was too late. And I was sure another Africana elephant just bit the dust because of my heartless act of reading. I can deal with one dead elephant, so I restarted my protest.

Three seconds later I realized I didn't proofread my post. I can't stand embarasing speling mistakes, so I sacrificed a few more dozen elephants as I went back and proofread my post. A few minutes later I realized my plight was worthless as I noticed a comment that I had to read. So, poachers: You win. Go ahead and keep on poaching. Elephants: I'm sorry I couldn't fight harder. But think of it this way: your death means someone is probably getting a really nice ivory bracelet or maybe even a sweet ass ivory chess set. Seems worth it now. Doesn't it? You greedy, self-centered, ivory-hoarding elephants.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Stop Signs

I've decided that I waste too much time reading. So, I'm quitting. Not just books, but everything. No more reading newspapers. No more reading blogs. No more reading emails. No more reading Traffic signs, menus, text messages, flash cards, keyboards, eye charts, or alphabets.

Granted, I'll end up losing my job, not knowing the score to a baseball game, losing touch with people, getting into car accidents, being bad at 3rd grade math, getting really thick glasses, and eating really bad food. But, you know what? It will all be worth it in the end. How, you ask? I'm not yet sure. I'll write when I find out.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted. Vacation, Had to Get Away.

First of all, I always thought the lyrics to Vacation were Vacation, Happy to get away.

But anyway, we're back from our week in North Carolina. It was awesome. Every vacation I ever go on is a golfing vacation or a vacation with Kym's family. I never have anyone to play with on the beach. I basically skimboard for an hour then I'm bored for the rest of the day. We went with 3 other couples and it was awesome to throw a football, toss a frisbee, play Muckers, and to bring a tennis ball into the ocean and invent a game that involves throwing the ball as hard as you can at the other guy to see who can stop it the most. And with all my family vacations, tivo was the nightly entertainment. With friends it was booze and lots of it. I've been going through withdrawl all day. The shakes are coming on strong now.

While it was a great vacation, the best day of all was yesterday, on Titso and I's one year anniversary. We woke up at 3am and got to driving. After missing a turn and losing 45 minutes, we were back on track and home by 1:15pm. 9 glourious hours of driving. Such a great anniversary, right?!? But, for real, the best thing of the past ten days was as we were giving Kenslee a bath to go out to a nice dinner. While in NC, she became a different baby. She actually took naps during the day, but she is now no longer sleeping through the night. Where she used to looove the bath, now she screamed bloody murder. We were scared she'd continue to hate the bath at home. When she got in last night she was a little hesitant, so Kym decided to try out so bath toys for the first time ever. This resulted in Kenslee's first ever laugh out loud (while awake). It melted our hearts. Kym ran to get the video camera and we caught the last few laughs on tape. I put a bootleg copy of it on the baby blog.

take note of kens' onsie. It says "Made in Italy". It's the fisrt thing I ever got for her. I had it made when we found out kym got pregnant in italy on our honeymoon.

So, I'm back, and tomorrow I work from home, alone with Kenslee for the first time. If I log on to ask for someone to come kill me, please, track me down and mercy kill me.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Tuesday, August 15, 2006


Every once in a while I stumble upon a post of somebody talking about how some other blogger they read got fired for what they wrote in their blog. It’s called being “dooced”. I’m pretty sure that’s nothing more than a reference to taking a dump. Anyway, so I really try not to talk about my work on my blog. I talk about it sometimes, but only when I’m happy about things. You can’t get fired for talking about happy things, right!? So, I’ve been trying not to complain in fear that my co-workers or bosses might find my blog and take a dump on me. But, I’m at the point that I need to vent. Venting to my wife just isn’t enough, so I need to write it down for the world to see. So, here goes:

Being a male stripper is stressful. Because that’s what I am. I don’t have a non-stressful job such as, oh I don’t know... a computer programmer. Being a computer programmer is probably a walk in the park. It’s my job as a male stripper, not a programmer, that is really stressing me out right now. It’s partially the thongs I have to wear, and partially the women throwing themselves at me that’s killing me. If I were only a computer programmer and had to do something easy like prepare and present an architectural review for all of upper management to analyze and critique, life would be simple. But no. I chose to be a stripper, and NOT a computer programmer. Life on the pole ain’t easy.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Why I gave up saving lives

Two and a half years ago I was an avid blood donor. We have regular blood drives at work and I always gave. Then one foolish phlebotomist missed my vein twice. She finally found it, but she messed my arm up so bad I couldn’t lift it above my head for 3 days. I swore off giving blood for the rest of my life. About a year ago I was over my trauma and tried to give again. But, I had been in Punta Cana, so I wasn’t allowed because of the malaria risk. So, last Wednesday was my first chance to get back in the hero business. The guy found the vein on the first try, so I thought I was good to go. On Friday my arm started to bruise and today, 5 days later, it looks like a 64 box of Crayola threw up on my elbow.

An eight inch bruise for a little prick. Or a big prick depending on how much you dislike me.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Suri Revealed! has reported that pictures of baby Suri will soon surface. I’ve been sitting on this for a while, but I think it’s time to reveal that I, like Leah Remini and all the other wackos, have seen baby Suri. I even snapped a few pictures. Here’s the little cutie at one week old!

She must have been sleeping the whole time I was there because she didn’t move. She had her eyes open, but Tommy says all good Thetans sleep with one eye open. Apparently lil Suri is an over-achiever already! Sleeps with two eyes open!

It was a few weeks between that first time and the next time I saw her. And this time I saw her she had already grown her Scientolowings! Isn’t she fantastic!

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Fidelity - Regina Spektor

I heard this song on Sirius. I bought the cd and I fell in love with the song and her. Too bad I'm happily married and I'm pretty sure she's a lesbian.

PS. Why does every youtube video's sound seem to be off?

PPS. Do you think when she was little all the mean girls called her VaGina InSpektor?

Monday, August 07, 2006

Dating and Playing. Two things my daughter will not be allowed to do.

Friday night Kym invited over some work friends for happy hour. Being the gracious host that I am, I decided to go beer for beer, shot for shot, with everyone that was there over the period of 6 hours. And, well, I was wasted. If you have a baby that wakes up at 7am and you have to get up with her, I highly suggest not getting wasted like that. But, being the great dad I am, I was up with her, fed her, and I with a little bit of luck, I got her back to sleep for a few more hours.

Later in the day she was grumpy so we decided (I was forced) to go out to the park with her. I don’t know if it’s the new playground technology, if I’m an overprotective dad, or I’m just old, but playgrounds are fuckin dangerous these days.

First, there’s the rock climbing wall thingy. Sounds innocent enough. No... actually, that sounds dangerous to begin with. Add in the chain linked, umm, chain, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. The playground looks like this:

I see this:

Yes, if I ever let her play, it would be in a pink dress with pink high heels.

Next, the slides. This one does sound innocent. And if it weren’t for the fact that the slide was literally perpendicular to the ground it would have been. The playground looks like this:

I see this:

The final deathtrap I saw was actually on the playground specifically made for the smallest of kids. It was a dinosaur looking thing with a ladder kids climb up. Except the rungs on the ladder were the perfect size for kids legs to slip between. The playground looks like this:

I see this:

And that will be why my daughter will not be allowed to leave the house and she'll have no friends.

Like me.