Last night we put the baby to bed around 8 and settled in for some TV. About 20 minutes later we heard some rumbling around coming from upstairs. A few minutes later we heard it again. We checked the baby monitor and she was still sleeping, but it sounded like the noise was coming from in her room. And so began the opening scene to every 80's horror movie made.
Kym asked me to go check it out, so being the stud that I am, I hopped right up to investigate. But, I had to grab a weapon first. I looked around the room and grabbed what I thought would do the most damage to the alleged baby stealer who was really bad and kinda just making a lot of noise. So, I grabbed a piece of firewood. I knew the big pieces would be too difficult to maneuver like a light saber to do the most damage, so I grabbed a smaller piece. Actually, I grabbed a piece of kindling. And when I grabbed it I gave myself the tiniest little splinter. I screeched like a little girl and wanted to sit back down and sulk. But, my baby was in danger, so I headed off. My smarter wife stopped me and told me it might be a little more wise to use a metal fireplace tool rather than give the kidnapper a few splinters. I knew I married her for a reason.
I grabbed the poker thingy and headed off. As I ascended the stairs I started thinking to myself, "What would I really do if some big murderer guy jumped out at me?" I'd freeze. I'd scream. I'd cry. I'd make a feeble attempt at a swing and I'd run. I'd run and I'd run and I'd still be running right now. Unless he touched my baby. Then I'd fuck his shit up. So, I kept that in mind as I approached the door. The door to the room was closed. I knew there would be a confrontation. We never close the door. Inches from the door I paused. I said a little prayer, I opened the door, I closed my eyes, and I started swinging. Sharp fireplace poker flying madly in the dark. But, alas, I didn't hit anything. The source of all the noise was slightly shorter than where I was swinging.
Kym leaves for Kansas first thing tomorrow morning. Me and the baby and the cat and the fireplace tools alone for a week. Wish me luck.