Monday, November 06, 2006

Bumps in the night

Last night we put the baby to bed around 8 and settled in for some TV. About 20 minutes later we heard some rumbling around coming from upstairs. A few minutes later we heard it again. We checked the baby monitor and she was still sleeping, but it sounded like the noise was coming from in her room. And so began the opening scene to every 80's horror movie made.

Kym asked me to go check it out, so being the stud that I am, I hopped right up to investigate. But, I had to grab a weapon first. I looked around the room and grabbed what I thought would do the most damage to the alleged baby stealer who was really bad and kinda just making a lot of noise. So, I grabbed a piece of firewood. I knew the big pieces would be too difficult to maneuver like a light saber to do the most damage, so I grabbed a smaller piece. Actually, I grabbed a piece of kindling. And when I grabbed it I gave myself the tiniest little splinter. I screeched like a little girl and wanted to sit back down and sulk. But, my baby was in danger, so I headed off. My smarter wife stopped me and told me it might be a little more wise to use a metal fireplace tool rather than give the kidnapper a few splinters. I knew I married her for a reason.

I grabbed the poker thingy and headed off. As I ascended the stairs I started thinking to myself, "What would I really do if some big murderer guy jumped out at me?" I'd freeze. I'd scream. I'd cry. I'd make a feeble attempt at a swing and I'd run. I'd run and I'd run and I'd still be running right now. Unless he touched my baby. Then I'd fuck his shit up. So, I kept that in mind as I approached the door. The door to the room was closed. I knew there would be a confrontation. We never close the door. Inches from the door I paused. I said a little prayer, I opened the door, I closed my eyes, and I started swinging. Sharp fireplace poker flying madly in the dark. But, alas, I didn't hit anything. The source of all the noise was slightly shorter than where I was swinging.







Kym leaves for Kansas first thing tomorrow morning. Me and the baby and the cat and the fireplace tools alone for a week. Wish me luck.

16 comments:

Think Frustrated said...

Did you forget you have a cat?

P.S., it can be dangerous to leave a cat alone with a baby. They (cats, not babies) have been known to lay on babies' heads and suffocate them. Just another thing to keep you up all night worried...

Leezer said...

Timophil:

Good work on grabbing the only thing in the house that would hurt YOU before the boogey man. Oh, and THINK FRUSTRATED is way off. Everyone knows cats can drive to the 7-11 for cigarettes and change poopy diapers. So don't fret, put that cat to work!

P.S. Our daughter will be six on Wednesday, and we still have the baby monitor on because she's on a different floor and we still want to listed for kidnappers. The cat sleeps with her. The other night she shouted at kitty in the middle of the night, "Holly! I DON'T think so!" Dunno what's going on in there. Don't want to know.

Leezer said...

I don't smoke. But if I did, I'd send the cat to the 7-11.

Melissa said...

I have a rottie and a husky but yet your cats eyes scare the bejesus out of me. Sorry but those are some freaky, deaky eyes.

Julie said...

I hate to be ugly, but that is one freaky looking cat. Those eyes would scare the crap outta me in the middle of the night.

Thanks for the linkage Timmy, although it saddens me I had to give up my top-row spot...... ;)

TinaPoPo said...

So what exactly was the cat doing in there to create all that noise?

We may never know. But really, good luck this week.

Oh great One said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one that still keeps a monitor in my oldest childs room Viscountess of Funk! My daughters room is in the front of the house and ours is in the back I wanna know if someones coming in to steal my babies!

Cute story Tim. Remember that being brave is doing something even though you are frightened. You're so brave!

miss kendra said...

cat's don't suffocate babies. that's an old wives tale.

and everyone knows babies suffocate babies. they're such haters.

(i love your cat. i want to shmoosh him/her.)

Tim said...

tf - I realized it was the cat halfway up the stairs. The second half of the story was fake. The first half was completely true though.

vof -thats great. If kenslee is anything like me and Kym all we'll hear in the middle of the night will be the sound of the cat getting thrown to the floor for licking her face.

mel - wow, I never really noticed her eyes in that picture. They look photoshopped or something.

julie - just like whne ex girlfriends would leave me then come crawling back, you have to earn your way back.

tpp - thanks. And I think she was doing the tango.

ogo - I can't wait until she is talking and I can listen in on the conversations she has with herself.

mk - it's a girl. Growing up my mom was the only woman in a household of men. I think I'm destined to the same, reversed, fate.

Brookelina said...

Oh oh oh! I have a very similar story to that from when I was young! Only we involved the police. Talk about embarassing.

Beechball * said...

Haha, that's priceless. Cats will alwyas keep you wondering what's going on. If I hear something in the middle of the night I just KNOW they've gotten into something they shouldn't have - they're such friggin' trouble makers! They're the reason I lay awake at night, damn punk kitties ;) haha j/k (they are bad though, hehe)

fuzzymuffin said...

hahahahahahahaha. You big gay.

Although I've heard quite a few scary stories about men breaking into student houses near me and raping girls. My housemate has a baseball bat by her bed and I have a hammer (I borrowed it to build furniture and can't be bothered buying some kind of bat)

Julie said...

Oh Timmy, that isn't gonna happen. I never did anything to earn the spot before, I seriously doubt I can pull enough humor out of my ass to up me even a spot. But that's ok, like I've said before, the booze dulls the pain. That and shock therapy.

Chuck said...

So.....is this just a round about way of saying you're scared of pussy?

OMG, I'm so damn funny sometimes...

Have a nice week as a single parent. Good luck!

Softball Slut said...

HAHAH you are going to sleep in the baby's room!!

Conti said...

I like that cat. It has long whiskers. If I were to visit your city, could I pet him? May I pet your pussy, Tim?