I just thought of something

Maybe

Maybe I’ll have buffalo chicken pizza for lunch.
Maybe I’ll work hard after lunch.
Maybe I won’t drink tonight.
Maybe I’ll lie on the sofa and watch Lost all night.
Maybe I’ll win $180 million tonight.
Maybe I’ll get to bed before 2am.
Maybe our house will sell now that they FINALLY put a For Sale sign up after being on the market for 9 days.
Maybe I’ll get into shape before my wedding.
Or maybe not.

I'd be the first actor in space and I'd love to do it.

Mr. Cruise, I think you're already there. This interview is about a month old, but I love when dummy celebrities say stupid things and get called out on it. This was an interview with Tom Cruise and Steven Spielberg talking about War of the Worlds...


SPIEGEL: We visited one of your locations near Los Angeles and were amazed to find a fully staffed tent of the Scientology organization right next to the food tents for the journalists and extras.

Cruise: What were you amazed about?

SPIEGEL: Why do you go so extremely public about your personal convictions?

Cruise: I believe in freedom of speech. I felt honored to have volunteer Scientology ministers on the set. They were helping the crew. When I'm working on a movie, I do anything I can to help the people I'm spending time with. I believe in communication.

SPIEGEL: The tent of a sect at someone's working place still seems somewhat strange to us. Mr. Spielberg, did that tent strike you as unusual?

Spielberg: I saw it as an information tent. No one was compelled to frequent it, but it was available for anybody who had an open mind and was curious about someone else's belief system.

Cruise:The volunteer Scientology ministers were there to help the sick and injured. People on the set appreciated that. I have absolutely nothing against talking about my beliefs. But I do so much more. We live in a world where people are on drugs forever. Where even children get drugged. Where crimes against humanity are so extreme that most people turn away in horror and dismay. Those are the things that I care about. I don't care what someone believes. I don't care what nationality they are. But if someone wants to get off drugs, I can help them. If someone wants to learn how to read, I can help them. If someone doesn't want to be a criminal anymore, I can give them tools that can better their life. You have no idea how many people want to know what Scientology is.

SPIEGEL: Do you see it as your job to recruit new followers for Scientology?

Cruise: I'm a helper. For instance, I myself have helped hundreds of people get off drugs. In Scientology, we have the only successful drug rehabilitation program in the world. It's called Narconon.

SPIEGEL: That's not correct. Yours is never mentioned among the recognized detox programs. Independent experts warn against it because it is rooted in pseudo science.

Cruise: You don't understand what I am saying. It's a statistically proven fact that there is only one successful drug rehabilitation program in the world. Period.

SPIEGEL: With all due respect, we doubt that.


SPIEGEL, you had me at hello.

In case you were considering it

Staying out until about 1:30am on a Monday night and waking up at 7am is not a good idea.

*sigh*

So, obviously blogs have tainted my once shining work ethic. I can’t go one measly day without blogging several times.

So, titso is in St. Louis all week for work. I don’t know what to do tonight. Go play poker, or go home and relax.

Poker pluses: Poker is fun. I’d have to go to a new bar since my life was threatened at my previous Monday night game and going to a new place might make it better. I have nothing better to do.

Poker minuses: The only game that I’d go to play at is a good half hour from home (but 10 minutes from work so I can go there right after the gym). Going to a new place solo may also suck.

Home pluses: I can watch Deadwood. Got the 1st season and watched the 1st five episodes this weekend. Can run around the house naked if I want.

Home minuses: Boring. We have a showing of our house from 7-8, so I can’t go home until at least 8 anyway. I’ll never make myself dinner anyway.

Oh the life of a temporarily single man… so many choices (not really), so little time… I wish I had friends that did anything other than sit home.

I gotta do some work this week.

No, seriously, I do.

Shut up, I'm working!

Stop looking at me.

You're breaking my concentration!

Oh what a relief it is

Today Madison’s favorite son wrote about the first time he masturbated, so I tried to remember mine. I really can’t. All I can remember is I used to try to program myself to wake up in the middle of wet dreams. I think my first time ever was when I woke up just before the wet dream and finished it myself.

But anyway, I do remember a funny story about raging boners as an 11 year old. I was at a friend’s house at the beach for the weekend and we were bored. His brother was about 13 and was into getting drunk by then (yes we started early) and he suggested we play quarters. But since his parents were around we couldn’t drink alcohol, so when someone made a shot they could pick someone else to either down a Big Gulp of water, or a shot glass which was half water and half iced tea mix. We played for about a half hour and in that half hour I drank about 4 shots of the sugary mix and 5 Big Gulps of water.

For some reason the large amount of water pressed oddly against my 11 year old abdomen and gave me a boner I couldn’t get rid of. We were done playing and I had to piss like you couldn’t believe. I knew I couldn’t piss with my ‘situation’ so I tried to wait it out. It only got worse. After about 10 minutes I probably could have cut glass with it. Plus I was seconds away from pissing myself. So, I gave in and ran to the bathroom. I tried to push it down to aim at the toilet, but it resisted. So I decided to be a girl and sit down to pee. The relief of going practically caused an orgasm, but the boner never ceased. After my 5 minute piss, I stood up and stood right in a puddle. I don’t know how, but I didn’t realize that I was pointed right between the bowl and the seat. I emptied 5 big gulps of piss on the bathroom floor.

I did my best to mop it up with the napkins and tissue paper in the bathroom, but I never was invited back to the beach house.

Chaotic

I tivoed the Britney show the other day and got around to watching it. And, well, I fell in love. With Peggy Lee. Britney puts a cd in when they’re driving around and Is that all There Is? plays. What a great song. If I weren’t such a cheap and lazy bastards I’d order that cd. I think my liking of that makes me partially gay and it’s probably what prompted the googling of me sucking someone off.

Dear google,
It's all fun and games until you start to get personal. "Tim sucked my dick last night"?? Who told you?!?

Sincerly,
Tim

Too hot to handle

If I were a mannequin I’d try to bang a Victoria’s Secret mannequin. I was in the store tonight and those stiffs are hot! While Titso was in line I snuck off and tried to take a chance. I know I’m getting married this summer, but the grass is always greener, right? So I first walked up to the oriental mannequin in the black thong.

“Hi I’m Tim,” I started with, “do you come here often?”

Nothing.

“So, I’m a computer programmer,” I bragged. “Sometimes I complain about my eyes hurting from staring at a computer all day, but I can’t imagine the pain you must be in from posing in the same position for 24 hours a day. How about me and you sneak out of here and I give you a foot massage.”

Nothing.

I know girls always accept foot massages, so I deducted she only speaks Japanese. I pretended someone was calling my cell to look important and I walked away. Over to the slutty redheaded mannequin in the sexy school teacher glasses and white nightie.

I pulled out my A material: “I know they say ‘Guys don’t make passes at girls with glasses’, but I can tell you’re near sighted because I can see that you sight me near you tomorrow morning. What do you think?”

Nothing.

So I presumed she doesn’t like joking around so I got straight to the point. “So, does the carpet match the drapes?”

Nothing.

The mannequins at Victoria’s Secret may be hot, but they’re total snobs.

I'm sorry

To the guy (or girl) or reached my site looking for "bananas covered in cum", I apologize. I'll try to get some of those up asap.

L5+?

Tonight was one of the most entertaining nights of my life for about 2 minutes. I told you all about my getting screwed last night with poker and most of you told me how I should have flipped out more than I did. I knew not to because people warned me that the bar owner would screw me and all thier warnings came true tonight at around 8:45pm est.

I was sitting at our other bar playing poker when my phone rang. I didn't pick it up in time, but I saw it was a number I never saw before. About 10 minutes later my phone rang again and here is just about the most exact conversation that I can remember in my adreneline induced state:

ring...

Tim: "Hello"
prick: "is this Tim?"
Tim: "yeah, this is Tim."
Prick: " This is Prickface from the Prickface's bar... (all future caps are denoted by top of the lungs screaming) FUCK YOU! YOU WANT TO FUCK WITH ME?!? YOU'RE FUCKING WITH THE WRONG PERSON, I'LL PUNCH YOUR FACE IN!!!"

Tim :"Huh? What are you talking about?!?"
Prick: "I'LL KILL YOU!! I'LL COME TO ANYTOWN (town where I live and run Tuesday night poker) RIGHT NOW AND PUNH YOUR FACE IN!!"
Tim:" WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!??"
Prick:"DON'T RAISE YOUR VOICE TO ME!!"
Tim: "Well, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about!"
Prick: "YOU STOOD OUTSIDE MY BAR LAST NIGHT AND TOLD PEOPLE TO NOT COME IN TO MY BAR!"
Tim:" FUCK YOU, I DID NOTHING! ME AND MY BROTHER TALKED FOR 10 MINUTES ABOUT HOW WE GOT FUCKED OVER THEN WE LEFT!"
Prick: " YOU'RE FUCKING WITH THE WRONG PERSON!! IF YOU EVER STEP FOOT IN MY BAR I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!"
Tim: "OK, whatever, I'd never step foot in that bar again anyway"
Prick: "IF YOU EVER COME HERE AGAIN I'LL PUNCH YOUR FACE IN!!!"
Tim:" Don't worry about it!"

This was about 2-3 minutes of top of the lung screaming about how he was going to kill me or punch my face in. The dude was totally psycho. It shocked me at first then made me laugh. Who goes crazy like that??? He cracked me up.


ok, so if I ever blog again with a punched in face, you'll all know why. This guy is fucking nuts. Crack and cokehead I guess. funny too because if he came to the town I live in to the bar we ran it at tonight to punch my face in I had 15 guys that would have murdered him. In retrospect I really wish he showed up tonight.

Crusty

I just realized I haven't changed my underwear in two days. I wore running shorts to the gym last night and put my underwear back on after a shower. I didn't change them this morning. Thats all for now.

Note to Self:

When extremely pissed off, do not play online poker. It only gets you more pissed.

Well, I got fucked tonight. I wish literally, but I mean figuratively. I walked into the bar to set up for poker and someone was already there setting up. The Not As Cute As She Thinks waitress walked up to me and said, sorry prickface (aka, the owner) said they weren't making any money so they're switching. First of all thats a total fucking lie because the bartender (who's cousin it is that died last week) has told me they make tons of money. Second of all, what kind of fucking asshole just has someone show up to take your place without telling me. (and it's not even the assholes that I wrote were trying to take our place last week.) In a stunned moment all I could say is "Thats total fucking bullshit." and walked out. My brother pulled up and I told him and we stood by his car in shocked silence trying to determine what to do. After 10 minutes NACAST comes out and says "What are you guys doing?" We say "We're just talking about how fucked over we just got." She says "You're not waiting for people to show up to tell them not to go in are you?" We tell her to fuck off and we're just talking about how much bullshit this is. She tells us the owner bought his own stuff and he didn't have our phone numbers. Meanwhile the guy has called me about 6 times in the past. She then drives off (presumably to go get her big boyfriend she breaks up with every week) and two other waitresses come out. One asks "Are you guys loitering?" We tell her to fuck off we're just talking. She warns us not to cause problems. My brother asks her who the fuck she is before she tells us she's the bartender taking my friend's place while he's at the funeral and we finally get in our cars and leave.

We've been coming into that bar for the past 15 weeks building a following getting more and more people, staying later for people to play side games when we don't have to and basically being friends with every person that walks inthere. We were the bartenders and waitresse best fucking friends for the past 15 weeks bringing them more monday night business then they'd have gotten if they were giving free blowjobs. All that and the owner doesn't even give us the common courtesy of a phone call. Fuck him. Fuck you. Fuck everybody.

Britney and Kevin: Chaotic!

Who else is pumped up?? anyone?

Downer post

Last night I went to a viewing of one of my best friend’s 20 year old cousin. He was out celebrating the end of his semester at college and was at a bar with a friend. When the friend went to the bathroom he left him there and walked home alone. His parents were picking him up Sunday and he was nowhere to be found when they got there. Apparently on his walk home he tried to take a shortcut, fell into a ravine, hit his head on a rock and drown. His body was found on Tuesday morning.

I showed up for the viewing at the same time as my younger brother and we waited the two and a half hours to get to the front of the line together. The line was even longer when we left than when we got there. There had to have been over two thousand people there. I haven’t seen the kid in about 15 years, but from what I’ve heard about him he seems to have been just like my little brother. The one thing that really got to me was the picture of him in his Terrell Owens jersey since my little brother has the same one.

You probably can’t tell from reading my blog, but I’m a ginormous pussy. I’ll surely cry like a little bitch at my wedding and I got really choked up thinking about anything ever happening to my brothers and seeing how his brothers were dealing with it. Life’s too short, have fun, smile, look at porn, look at starburst porn, get laid.

Too many Guinnesseses!

I finally got around to loading all the pictures I took in Ireland. A weird thing happened. I saw things in the pictures I never noticed when I took them. I'm not sure if it's one of those ghost situations or if they were all there and I was just drunk. Take a look for yourself:

(as always all pictures can be clicked on for the full version)

This first picture was the first golf course we played at. When I took the picture I saw nothing. When I loaded it on my PC, it turns out there was a leprachaun following me around the course.



Walking through the town of Killarney later that day I didn't see him... but he was there. And he met a naked woman.


The next day if I would have only turned around, I would have seen them.


This little castle was on one of the courses. I must have stepped right over them.


The tv above the bathtub I told you about? Must see tv.


Finally, a picture in which they didn't appear.


Until I zoomed in on the boat!

Caught in the act

I just clicked to bring up The Superficial when a girl walking by my cube said “Oh, I like that color." I played it dumb, acting like I didn’t know what she meant. She persisted, “That color you just had up on your screen, what was it?” I said “Oh, that was just a website.” She said, “It was pretty, what was it?” I stupidly brought the site up. She panicked saying “What.. that. Uh, jeez” then she walked away as I looked at my screen full of mostly naked girl advertisements. But it is a pretty purple background, isn’t it?

Yesterday when I went to Sam Goody to pick up the new Weezer cd the really creepy sales dude singled me out in line and said “I see you only have one item, if you want to purchase another I’ll give you 20% off.” Sounded like a pickup line to me, but it worked. I looked around and decided on the Jackson 5 Ultimate Collection. Really, I did. So, I bought it and creepy guy showed me how he took the 20% off and told me “I don’t offer 20% off to everybody you know. But I saw you standing there and thought I’d like to see you smile.” Then he said some other creepy stuff, but I didn’t hear it because I was trying to find the closest exit in case he tried to touch me. I paid and got out of there as quickly as possible and washed the skeeve off me.

So, I’m listening to the cd now. Michael was 12 when they did ABC and I Want You Back and I have to say those songs kick ass. Whatever happened to 12 year old prodigies like him? You know, besides Lil’ Bow Wow.

knock knock

For the past two days someone linked my starburst porn on an xbox message board, and on a retro radio message board. But, they're both private message boards I can't get into. Let me in bitches!!

I just got back to my desk after lunch and started working (bloging) when I heard the faint sound of “Oh Mickey what a pity you don’t understand…” I stood up and walked towards a coworker’s desk and sure enough his cube was empty and his headphones were lying there blaring, and I mean BLARING, the 80’s hit Mickey. Apparently my local weatherman is a huge Toni Basil fan.

echo echo echo

The guy in the cube next to me got laid off for “personal reasons” a few weeks ago. The girl in the cube across from me has her last day next week. The other side of me is the printer, so I’m basically going to be all alone next week. I wonder if I smell. I wonder if this will now allow me to take George Costanzaesque naps under my desk. Except in my underwear. I can’t sleep with pants on.

FYI

I know no one else has probably noticed, but the imageshack hosted pics on what I think was my best blog post ever were all broken. I finally got off my piece of shit lazy ass and rehosted them.

Did you get the memo?

Someone just told titso that I look like a "goody 2 shoes" and I don't look like the kind of guy that would go running around with "flousies". Apparently somebody forgot to tell me it's 1955.

Weezer came out today!

Weeeee!

Arrrrr!

Did you ever get a zit in your eye cavity? Not really in your eye cavity, just kinda right below your eyebrow. When you look in the mirror you can't even really see it, but when you're looking at people it feels so big that it feels like you're wearing an eye patch. Ever get one? didja? They suck.

I choose Business Ethics

Last night was our biggest night ever for our poker business. But we also found out a different poker company is trying to take over the bar we run it at. That company starts their events tonight at the bar. That company can suck my dick.

Ireland

Since Chick asked for me to write about my trip, I will, although I will warn you it makes for boring reading. The flights played two movies both ways, Electra and Ocean’s 12 on the way over and Oceans 12 and Little Black Book on the way home. Being that I’m partially gay, Little Black Book was the only movie I watched. Like every good train wreck, it was horrible, but I was glued to to it. I tried Ocean’s 12, but it put me to sleep.

The hotel we stayed in was ridiculous. Three plasma tv’s in our room. One of which rose out of the foot of the bed, another was built into the wall in the bathroom to watch while in the tub, the third above the fire place. One of the guests of the hotel had a private helicopter parked out back to fly to all the courses instead of driving. I hate assholes.

The golf was good. I played well for 3 days, my dad didn’t do so well. We missed a 1st place finish on one of the days by one stroke. Two of the days had steady 30mph winds with 50-60mph gusts. Wasn’t the best golfing weather, but it was Ireland, so it’s what I expected. The courses were amazingly beautiful.

Drinking. Started right after golf everyday and ended between midnight and 3am depending on what was going on. A majority of the people in the Father Son tourney were guys my dad’s age, with their dads. There were two or three guys my age and one guy that was 21 I was hanging with. They were cool, but I missed my brother to hang out with. Guinness is hands down a better beer in Ireland than it is here, but I was drinking Harp and Carlsberg most of the time.

All in all it was a good trip. I enjoyed hanging out with just my dad, but it’s just not the same as taking a family vacation. I took a ton of pictures and will try to get some posted later this week when I’ve got some time at home to load them.

Ever go on vacation, then come back and feel like working even less than before you went on vacation?

what up ladies?

I'm drunk. I suck at golf. I touch myself when I think of you.

Bloggin from Ireland

I'm such a loser. But, I can't sleep and the internet is free, so whatdaya expect me to do at 3am? I'm having trouble adjusting to the time, I've done nothing but sleep for the past 24 hours, and it feels great to just sleep, but sleeping on planes and buses ain't comfy. I got nothing to say, I'm just bored. I wish the pubs were still open. I wonder if they allow porn on this computer... only one way to find out... see ya later.

I'm going out for some fresh air

catch you guys later.

(PS, after browsing through hundreds of pictures, I couldn't resist the one with a little bit o' ass in it!)

Check please!

I've checked out. My boss is off today. I'm wearing sweat pants. Why am I even here? I think leaving at noon would be the thing to do.

PS. I thought of an acceptable starburst post. Maybe I'll do it after vaca.

I have gas

I just went to Wawa at lunch to get gas. So, as soon as I pulled into the gas stall (is that what they’re called?), Impatient Lady pulls in right behind me and waits. She was like 4 inches from my car which I took as meaning she was in a rush and she wanted me to hurry the fuck up. So, all rushed and wanting to please Impatient Lady, I hurried inside to grab the newspaper. When I got out, there were like 7 other stalls open, but she was still 4 inches from me, waiting. I quickly dismounted the gas stall and pulled out (he he) only to realize it didn’t fill all the way up. So, now I only have a half a tank of gas because of my please-all attitude. Impatient Lady cheats on her husband and beats her kids with wire hangers.

An Ode to Softball

I love you because you are soft, not hard.
When I play you, I have fun, except when I suck.
I wish I could play with my softballs all day long.
But then they would get hard.
And I like my balls soft.

Passin Me By

I always fuck up passer-by conversations. You know, when you’re walking down the hall and instead of the normal fake smile/head nod, someone actually speaks? Well, I always give the wrong answer. I panic trying to remember their name when they actually speak to me. If I actually get that right, then I’ll fuck up whatever question they asked me. Examples:

Bob: “Hey Tim”
Tim: “Hey Bob” (yes!)
Bob: “What’s happening?”
Tim : “Good, how are you?” (dammit!)


Joe: “Hey Tim.”
Tim: “Hey Joe.” (sweet!)
Joe: “How you doing?”
Tim: “Not much.” (I’m retarded!)

Rhonda: “Hey Tim.”
Tim: “Hey Beth” (oh crap…)
Rhonda: “What’s going on?”
Tim: “Titties.” (mmm, titties..)

Speak now or forever hold your penis

If you read this before 1pm est, tell me a good cd I should buy.

I suck

at golf.

No I will not make out with you!

I'm taking Tuesday off to go golfing. I figure I'm playing in a father son tournament next week, I should play at least once before I go. Have fun playing with your private parts all day. Losers!!

How Ireland was Destroyed

Five years ago I went to Ireland for a second time in as many years. It was probably the best vacation I’d ever been on. Played golf for 8 days, hooked up with a German chick, hooked up with an Irish chick, and got drunk and hung out with my family. Can’t beat that.

Except one thing: Will Smith ruined my vacation. Will Smith wasn’t actually on my vacation pissing in my pint glasses, but he may as well have been. You see; I hate Will Smith. Will grew up in Philly and we all loved him when he first starred in the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire. He was all about being a Philly boy, which made all us Phillyians proud. Then he got too famous and started becoming a total a-hole. He only starred in movies that had special effects that hid his true crappiness. He somehow adopted Miami as his hometown and rapped about it. He married a total psychotic bitch. He sold out.

When my brothers and I stepped on the plane to Ireland we all frantically checked the in-flight magazine to see what movie we’d be seeing. Much to our dismay, Wild Wild West was on the eastbound flight. We grumbled, we cursed his dumb ass, and we settled in to try to watch this unwatchable piece of shit. I gave up before the first scene was over. Will Smith blows. Luckily on the westbound trip we would be watching the comic genius of Adam Sandler in Big Daddy.

So, we survived the eastbound flight and had an amazing week in Ireland. Eight days later my brothers and I settled into our seats for the flight home. We put on our headphones budding with excitement, elbowing each other like 8 year olds on Christmas morning. That’s when everything went wrong.

In the beginning of a long flight, they’ll show you a preview of the shows and movies they’ll be playing. The prelude to a panic showed Wild Wild West as the in-flight movie. My brothers and I all grabbed for our in-flight magazines and confirmed that Big Daddy would be the westbound movie. We determined that the preview tape was wrong and waited for Big Daddy to begin.

I’ve never been on a plane that’s been hijacked, but when Wild Wild West started up on that flight, I knew exactly what it felt like. There was an initial panicked thought that this can’t be happening to me. No!!…Holy shit, this is really happening. What the hell can I do to stop this?!? I grabbed every flight attendant within ear shot and pleaded with them. Please, don’t ruin my vacation with this! My cries fell on deaf ears as Wild Wild West played from start to finish. Will Smith had pissed in my pint glass.

Why I hate my office

Titso was just walking up the stairs and two guys were walking down the stairs and the conversation was this:

dork: "so how did they decide that the square root of negative 1 is an imaginary number, why didn't they pick one, there's a ton of imaginary numbers."

If I were in Titso's position I would have kneed him in the nuts and threw him over the stairwell.

Thinkin bout

- I leave for Ireland on Saturday. How am I supposed to do any work this week?
- Nothing different there.
- Softball starts Thursday, I can’t wait!
- I’m starting to feel like I’ve typecasted myself into having to make a sexual reference or joke with every post.
- Vagina?

That Point of the Month

I’ve decided I hate when a girl calls it her “period.” I’ve come up with a much more hip way of saying it’s that time of the month.

See my previous post where I say “time period in history.” I don’t even think that makes sense because I was going to say “point in history.” They’re similar enough for my likings. So, basically, ‘point’ is my synonym for ‘period’.

So, ladies, now when it’s that time of the month instead of saying “I’m on my period,” you should say “I’m on point.” That would make you sound hot instead of gross.

Focus!

I was watching the Apprentice last night and before deciding on what to create, the team that won did a focus study to try to determine what the consumer really wanted. That got me thinking, am I giving the blogging world what they really want? Probably not, so I’ve decided to conduct a little focus group of my own. I’m going to be a comment whore (what else is new?) and ask you to comment on one of the following statements. Your response will affect all future posts. Please comment on only one! Thanks!

1. The Industrial Revolution was the most progressive time period in history
2. Millard Fillmore installed the first bathtub in the White House. Millard Fillmore was a genius.
3. Penis
4. Boobs

I'm in a good mood

Maybe I'll write something good today. Yeah, maybe I will...

I'm going to be a daddy!

No, wait, uncle. I'm going to be an uncle! My older brother just called me and they are expecting their first. Very cool!!!

The C Word

The house I live in now is in a town who’s name starts with the letter G. I call my house the G Unit. The town we’ll be moving to begins with the letter C, so I need to come up with a nickname for my house that begins with C. Why? Because I give everything a nickname, just ask Tiny Tim, he’ll spit the truth. Anyway, I’m having a little trouble. The Cockpit? The Cunt-hut?

It’s hard.

No, not that.

I'll post something interesting in 20 days

Eight more days until I’m on my way to Ireland. I really need to get away for some peace of mind. This whole getting married and buying a new house thing is taking up all my mind’s time. I get down on myself when I go a day or two and I’m unable to think of anything blog worthy. I think I have a problem. That problem is a crooked penis.

FYI

Working from home with a full tivo does not fuel one's blogging addiction.

What up Bitches?

I'm the new pope yo!

I was elected because my You Know What is this big.




Yes, my religousosity is this big.

boobies

If you could be a mountain range, which would you be? My initial thoughts were the Swiss Alps because Swiss reminds me of chocolate and hot chicks. But Alps reminds me of Alpo dog food. Then I started to think it would be cool to be the Rocky Mountains, but then I see Rocky on that reality show and I don’t really like him anymore. In the end, I don’t know which mountain range I’d be because those are the only two that I really know (besides the Appalachian Mountains, losers!).

Home O'

We’ve figured out a way to get the payments down and can manage the house on just my salary. Titso doesn’t make much less than me. She smart too. We’ve both paid off our cars already, so as it turns out, we’re going to be able to spend titso’s entire salary on beer, bowling, and hookers. In about an hour and a half, the house will probably be ours. (Pending inspection.) I'm happy.

Last week posts were flowing out of me like piss out of a drunk. Not so much today.

For me

Some people use their blogs as a form of personal therapy. As evidenced by my previous 200 posts, I don’t. For once I’m going to write something to try to convince myself one way or the other whether or not I’m doing the right thing. I suggest you divert your eyes.

For the past 6 months since one of my friends became a realtor Kym and I have been getting homes for sale emailed to use everyday. We’ve liked a few and driven by them and decided it wasn’t what we were looking for. One of the first times we drove around we came upon a development that looked exactly like what we were looking for, but no houses were for sale in it. Over the past few months a few houses there have gone up, but they weren’t the ones we really liked. This week our perfect home went up for sale in that development and we went to see it yesterday. We loved everything about it, even the friendly neighbors that seemed to encourage us to buy it. Of course the biggest problem is the price tag. We got price comparisons of the other homes in the development and this is up for about 8% more than ones that sold 4 months ago. But this one also has a full finished basement and an extra full bathroom. Kym just bought a house two years ago knowing she’d only live there for several years because of it’s size. The value of that home has gone up close to 50% because of the market and all the work we’ve put into it. With just the profit off that house we could put up the required 20% down payment on the new house. That would still leave us with a big mortgage. But Kym and I have been good (and lucky) with our money throughout our lives, so we’d still be left with large nest eggs. The mortgage payments would end up being about half of our combined take home salaries. Which in all actuality isn’t that bad. It’s so fucking hard to make a decision that will completely change your life, and having to make that decision within about 24 hours, and to still have to have that decision accepted by another party. Can a life of planning a wedding over 5 months and buying a house that’s 3 times the size and two and a half times the price of your old house be any more stressful?? Life sucks right now. Or is it great? I can’t tell.

Casual Friday Poem

Jeans on.
No belt.
Butt crack showing.
Women Swooning.
Some guys too.

Lew-Ew-Zers

Man, you guys will leve me a comment no matter what I write, won't you?

Won't You!?

Long Post Warning!

I had a team meeting this morning. While half of my brain was diligently paying attention to the presentation, the other half of it was wondering what would happen if everyone in the world suddenly dropped dead of Mad Monkey’s Disease, except the people in my conference room. Of the 26 in the room, there were 15 women and 11 men. So, us men would be hooked up with the whole restarting of the universe thing. Then I started thinking about who I would recreate with. Since titso isn’t on my team, she wasn’t in the room. So, I thought about it logically: what qualities would be the best for the world to have? And I chose the obvious one: good hair. (I know some of you are saying “Whoa, whoa, whoa, two posts about hair in one day??” And I say, “Yes, deal with it bitches.”)

So, as I looked around the room to determine who was hair worthy my eyes kept going back to Russian Milf Lady. She’s got very nice shoulder length, mussy brown hair with blond highlights and random red streaks. She’s probably in her late 30’s and she dresses hot and has a pretty hot body. RML’s hair would be the jeans my genes would want to reproduce with.

As my right hand was taking notes on the presentation, my left hand did a free sketch of her hair. I then transferred it to MS Paint, and here’s what it looks like:


I then drew a picture of my own hair:

Then I drew a picture of what our perfect haired babies would look like. Pretty sweet if you ask me:

Skeeve me a River

I don't watch the show, but are you guys telling me this creepy guy is still an Idol?

I need a haircut

No, not that hair.

Sometimes when I pee I don't shake enough and I get pee all over my leg.

sad face

Sometimes towards the end of the day I'll look at statcounter and see how many people came to my site throughout the day. I can picture them sitting at their desks, clicking on a link to my site, ready to get all horny or giggly. But then they just read the same crap that's been sitting there all day. Then they get mad and kill all the plants on thier desk. I'm sorry little plants. I never meant to hurt you.

Britney's pregnant!

And I'm here today to announce that I am not pregnant. I had you all fooled for a while, but I'm admitting now it was just an evil ruse to get your sympathy. Looking back, I'm kind of ashamed I've been lying to you about my pregnancy for the past year an a half. Thank you for all the presents and money you sent. I will always enjoy and cherish your kind thoughts. I'm sorry I lied, but keep sending money please.

I was going to post nothing but titles today, but decided I couldn’t do that to my faithful readers. You come here expecting more than just titles, so here you are. Three sentences. Now four.

What is the acceptable amount of time I can leave 15 bird shits on my car before cleaning it?

My cat's breath smells like cat food

TMI??

Especially the About Tim section.

PS. This post will self destruct before I leave for the day in about 20 mintues.

Nevermind. I'll just leave it even though I look like I have 6 chins in the picture.

I've decided not to read or write any more long posts. My attention span isn't

Hey Jealousy!

Our cubicles are about 5 and a half feet tall. When I stand up I can look and see the top of Titso’s cube. I often can see the top of a guy’s head in her cube having sex with her. So, I reach into my desk drawer and pull out my big ass knife. When I get over to her cube it always turns out to just be a co-worker talking about something work related. I usually cut him just to get my point across.

I'm hungry for some ______!!

Who's with me?

FUCK NUTS

So... I just played in a $120 per person 85 person texas hold em tournament. Top 7 finishers made money. Who wants to guess which place I came in? No, not 85th you prick. 100 times worse. I got 8th. 1st loser. Fuck me.

Friggen Nazis!!

WTF?!?!? Next thing you know they're gonna ban smoking crack and killing your wife!

Amazing Bible Studies!

So I just figured out that since I got my new laptop every comment I've left on haloscan had the wrong url. Apparently Amazing Bible Studies have the corner on blogspot spelled blogpsot. Go ahead, type your blogspot address spelled blopsot. I'll wait...



Told ya! Those bible fuckers.*



* I didn't mean that they fuck bibles. I meant they are fuckers, and they are bible people.

I Feel Good!

Do you ever have one of those days when you look in the mirror and say “Damn! I look good today!”? Your hair looks just right. You somehow look tan even though you haven’t been in the sun in months. Your outfit looks hot. The little bit of stubble on your face makes you look sexy. You’re blemish free. Your eyes look greener. Your teeth look whiter. And after a bad-breath-check, you can’t stop smelling your own breath because it smells that damn good.

Today is one of those days. Just like yesterday. Just like Wednesday. Just like Tuesday. And Monday, Sunday, Saturday, etc., etc., etc…

Mi Amore

I’m getting married in a few months and I’m happy about that. But one thing I’ve always wanted to experience was to have a girl talk dirty to me in foreign language that I don’t understand. I wouldn't be picky at all either. She could speak russian, french, finnish, pig latin, or just have a really deep southern accent for all I care. I can picture myself picking up a Spanish chick and while we were getting busy she’d be yelling “la leche, el jugo de naranja, el pollo, las papas!!” I’d think to myself, “I have no idea what she’s saying but it sound friggen hot!! I kick ass in bed!”
In reality she’d just be trying to remember what she has to get at the grocery store when this nightmare is all over. (She would need milk, orange juice, chicken, potatoes)

20K

Odds are, later today, my stat counter will hit 20,000. If I had sex with a different girl for every time someone loaded this page since I installed statcounter in December I’d be just like my hero, Wilt Chamberlain. I’d also have every STD I’ve ever joked about having. I’d also have a ginormous smile on my face.

Google maps

Anyone see these? You can type in your address, then click on the "Satellite" button in the top right and see (what I think is) a real picture of your neighborhood. It's obvious looking at my house that one of you needs to come over and mow my lawn.

Assistance needed in aisle 4

Someone give me a topic. I'll discuss my feelings on it.

I love everyone

But seriously, I love some people more than others. One of my most favorite people are people that visit my site by accident then stay. Probably my most googled thing is Nicknames for loved ones. Most people don't find what they are looking for but every once in a while someone loves the name Titso and keeps looking at my shit. To you, I love you. Wanna make out?

NOOO!

Now Santa is dead too!

chicken or the egg?

Would you rather I post nothing, or I post nothing interesting?

Broadcasting Live and In Color

From my new fucking laptop! I can't even explain how great it feels as a programmer to have equipment manufactured after the year 1992. Words just can't

*SPOOGES*

sorry. I'm so embarrased I finished so quickly.

Top that Ashton!

Does anyone else think the pope is going to recreate the ultimate April Fool's prank of dying then coming back to life 3 days later?

I never took a class in writing, but I know what foreshadowing is

Last night I went online and watched the flash cartoon that kid that just went crazy and killed all those people at his school made. After watching it, it seemed kind of obvious that he was going to do that. It’s a horrible situation and I’d never make a joke about it.

BUT, it got me wondering what I’d have to do in life for people to go to my blog and say “Yeah, we should have seen this coming.” Among the things I’ve realized I’m foreshadowing here are:

- I may dump titso and marry Jennifer Love Hewitt.
- I may dump titso and marry another blogger.
- I may dump titso and marry Rosie O’Donnell.
- I may be arrested for becoming a candyaphiliac.
- I may be fired for blogging too much.
- I may become the world’s coolest person.

UPDATED!

- Four Words: Pope Tim the First.

My pride and joy

I have a lot of things in my life to be proud of, to brag about, to tell my grandkids about (when i have them in like 120 years). Number one on that list is my immune system. I have one of the world's best immune systems. It's probably better than yours, so don't even try to say yours is better. Titso has been sick for the past 3 days and my immune system is like "screw that shit, I'm keeping Tim healthy." It's fighting hard right now, but it's gonna win the battle. No doubt. If my immune system and your immune system had a boxing match I'd probably win by knockout in the 5th round. Yeah, it would take 5 rounds, but I'd just be toying with you. My immune system like to fuck with people like that.

Hell Yeah!!

I'm working from home today and coming up next on the Tony Danza show: Carrot Top!

This is shaping up to be the best day ever!!

Question

Is anyone else out there wearing underwear that’s a size too small and squeezing their package? Because I am.

P.S. I’m not quite sure when my blog became nothing more than boobs, penis and butt jokes… but I don’t think I’ll ever go back.

WOOOHOOOOO!

My new laptop came in today! It will take up to a week to get it configured, but soon enough... No more waiting 45 minutes for it to start every morning! No more hanging when I have more that 2 things open! No more 10 second delay on clicking things! No more herpes!

Celebration Day!

Today at work is a new phony thing called celebration day. No bad things are to be talked about and we have 2 hours of meetings to suck up to each other. We have free coffee and bagels in the lobby and a popcorn maker and free soda in the cafeteria. And blow jobs. Free blow jobs in the copy machine room.

Do you guys watch The Real World? No? Then I guess you don't watch Road Rules? Then I guess you don't remember Jake from Road Rules Islands. I thought spending 2 hours making starburst porn for a blog post was impressive, but in his latest blog he spent about $50. Check out his blog, he's funny. Plus his blogs usually contain nudity. And we all know you can't beat funny nudity...

Reason #986 that my pending marriage is a miracle

A while back my brother used to have a Christmas party every year. Or more accurately, a keg party a few days before Christmas. His best friend had a female roommate who would come to these. She was smokin' hot. About 4 years ago she was at the party and early in the night we were flirting from across the room. Being that I’m a big pussy, I just sat there and watched guy after guy unsuccessfully hit on her. Eventually I got the balls, started talking to her and in at the end of the night offered her a ride home. I offered the ride, but let her know my car was a mile away so we had to walk there first. She was more than willing to make the journey, so I was pretty sure I was gonna score. I drove her home, one thing led to another and we were in her bed necking, kissing, and doing some heavy petting. At about 5:30am she looked at me and said, “What are you thinking right now?” A combination of tiredness, alcohol, and horniness made me foolishly blurt out what I was actually thinking, “Are your boobs real? Because you’re so skinny and they’re so big and firm.” Ten minutes later she was on her sofa reading and I was driving home.

Moral of the Story: She was a bitch.

Happy Easter

Have a good weekend everybody. Take this test, let me know how you did. My cool level was 96%..

Cool Test

Bizzaro World?

Do you guys remember that episode of Seinfeld where Elieen becomes friends with that group of guys who are exactly like Jerry, Kramer and George? Have you ever wondered if there is another group of bloggers out there just like us? Like maybe there’s someone with a blog that really loves Willy Wonka, except that girl spells her name Kate and her blogging sister is Julia? And then there is girl who’s blog is called something like the yellow shoes diaries? And maybe in that group of bloggers there’s a really spastic guy named Dominic? And a blogger who calls herself the pink dog? There’s an inconspicuous attack frog, a future ex husband, a butt chronicles, and eyeliner feminism? And then there is someone just like me who has no friends, but a huge penis.


(I apologize I don't have enought time right now to come up with a bizzaro character for everyone. Feel free to create your own.)

MORE BIZARROS

Grey the rich and tres succesful film director, Burfickle who loves the tomatoes, Alex the snorkler, brady and lady, PooPoo man and Oh Average One, The Apathy of Ally, Dylan who was born in Vegas and moved to Philly, Blog Whore, and ligerita.

***
Also, The Dry Noodle, televisiongoerjuan, and nononsense.

**


That group of bloggers would be the 2nd coolest bloggers in the world. 1st is the political bloggers, we'd be in 3rd place.

I hate the Nanny! Make sure she hears that.

Has anyone seen that commerical? I don't watch the Nanny, but might have to start. I love hatred.


UPDATE!!

This is the offical post to change your name in the comment field and say whatever you want about other people. Such as Jootastic smells.

Sometimes I steal

First I stole the Interviews from Brandyland, now I’m stealing this. She decided to play blogmatchmaker. Assuming every one of her readers were single, she decided who should hook up with each other. Now, I do the same for my readers.


CaCa and OGO – You are already perfect for each other, no change there.
UPDATED!
Lint and Tigertia – You both live in the UK, so therefore, you should reproduce.
Tigerita and Tim - Both our names start with "Ti", so does the word "titty". Coincidence, I think not.
UPDATED!
Dick and Chick – You know you want each other.
Chick and Tim - Maybe they don't want each other, but I know they both want Tim. Only Chick gets to have him.

Candi and Blog Ho – You both have screwed up minds. I don’t know why I associate with you.

Cate and Tim – I’ll be your IT geek. Forever and ever.

Pink kitty and Tim – Our babies would be the best swimmers in the world. Like my little boys already are.

Nique and Tim – Just because.

Alekx and Tim – Sometimes you scare me, and sometimes I like it.

Burfica and Tim – A lot of times you scare me, and a lot of times I like it.

Future Ex and Tim – I’d rock your world then we’d fight about how badly I rocked your world.

Ali and Tim – Our baby would be born with a beer in his hand

Jootastic and Tim – Our babies would be smelly.

MarisaHatesYou and Tim – We’d elope UPDATED! Then we'd do tiwce since we're both from Philly

Dylann and Tim – We’re both from Philly, so, basically, we were meant to be.

Every girl from the Ass Chronicles and Tim – My ass plus your asses would kick ass

Every girl from Mascara Feminism and Tim – Just because
UPDATED
Sweetlethe and Tim and JustCassa - I can't think of one of you without thinking of the other of you... in bed... with me...

To all the rest of the guys who read this blog, sorry, there’s not enough girls to match you up with.



UPDATED!!

Kayde and Tim - I used to read your blog until you went away. We need to get back in touch. No, don't touch me there. Touch me there. Yes. That's nice.

Worst Hobby Ever?

New guy in the cube across from me has a giant (I’m talking like 5 foot by 5 foot) dry erase map of the Atlantic Ocean/Florida area. He has the day by day tracking of every coastal storm of the past year. I think everyone in the office has been kind of avoiding it like the plague. Someone just broke down and asked him about it. He went into detail about how fascinating it was how some of the paths of the storms were identical and blah, blah, blah. I need to find a link that plays the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard because I’d much rather listen to that right now.

Adios Amigos

When I started this blog 5 months ago (to the day) I started it as a creative outlet. I never thought I’d like writing and trying to be creative as much as I do. In the back of my mind I knew that my main goal was to spark a creativity that would lead to me writing a book. So, I’m quitting the blog to concentrate on that. I’ll stop by every so often to check in and let you know how things are going, but my constant updates are now finished.

Thanks for reading, check ya later.

I'm Rich Bitch!

So, last night I won a free poker tournament. Sunday I got 2nd place in a tournament. So, I’ve made a total of $85 playing free poker in the past 48 hours. At this rate I’ll be a kazillionaire by the end of the month. The down side of becoming a kazillionaire is not getting home until 1am on weeknights. The downside of not getting home until 1am is being late for work the next day. The downside of being late for work is, well, nothing as far as I can tell.*


Anyone ever been to Italy or the French Rivera? If not, please do so, then come back and tell me how they were. ASAP. Thanks.



* For getting dooced purposes, I am staying late to make up the time.

Pesky MJ

A few weeks ago someone came to my site through some sort of site meter that I can’t remember what it was now. But through that site I noticed my blog was the 14th ranked blog in philly. I tried to see if any of the ones above me were any good, so I’ve been reading the Pesky’Apostrophe: Better than an unexpected period lately. It’s pretty good, check it out.

Being that I’ve never actually had a period, I’m going to have to argue that apostrophes are worse than an unexpected period. Have you ever had your last name have an apostrophe in it? Well, I have. It’s annoying. An unexpected period comes once a month at most, and apostrophes annoy me 365 days a year. My work email address has the apostrophe, yet 100% of internet forms asking for an email address don’t accept an apostrophe. If someone needs to look up my name, it’s a guarantee it’s in the system without the apostrophe if they’re looking for it with and vice versa without. Annoying!

ANYWAY, today AP posted a blog about how the court artists must be having a ball with the Michael Jackson trial and how fun it must be to draw him. Made total sense to me, so I tried to draw him. Pretty identical if you ask me.




http://img88.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img88&image=mj4wl.png

Seriously?

How am I supposed to follow the incestuous Starburst Porn? I got nothing. I hope you still love me. I hope you'll still make love to me.