Rejected

Every Sunday I check to see if my Postsecret made it. I'm still saddened that it never did.

Just agree with me

So, the wife and I are butting heads over what to do about the new TV we got. The cable guy is coming out of Friday to hook it up. The TV doesn't fit in our old entertainment center, so we have to get something new. I want to mount the tv to the wall and run the wires through the wall and down into a small entertainment unit to hold the tivo and dvd player... something cheap for like $100. The tv is somewhat light and will be dangerous in a few years when kenslee is old enough to grab at it. It's pretty much the best way. Here's what it would look like.



Kym wants to get a whole new entertainment system for like a million dollars. Here's what that would look like.


Obviously my way is better, right?

The Eagles ruined my birthday

Go read Popo's account of our dinner on Friday.

Mmmmmmmm...

A few months ago I noticed my statcounter was approaching 100,000 “unique visitors”. I thought that was pretty cool and I developed a plan. The plan was to have my 100,000th hit occur for the first person who looked at my blog on my two-year blogging anniversary. At that point the plan was to award that person with $100,000. $100,000 or 100,000 hugs. Visitor’s choice.

After a few weeks I noticed the number was getting closer to 100,000 faster than I planned. So, I started writing bad posts to keep people away. For nine straight months I wrote bad post after bad post and my plan seemed to be coming to fruition. Then Lance Bass got gay and my plan was shot to hell with about 10,000 hits. Actually, if you take away those LB hits, take away the Adrienne Curry hits, take away the naked Brad Pitt hits, take away the hits of me pressing the refresh button, take away the “chloraphil” google hits, and my actual number is somewhere around 47 unique visitors. So, to those 47 people that have read my blog over the past year and a half, I thank you.

I can’t remember the last time I did it twice in one day.

Today at work we’re having our annual employee checkup type thing. We give a couple of vials of blood to be tested, and then we fill out an online survey about our health. They ask questions about your exercise, eating, drinking, safety, and general health habits. It’s one of the many times of the year I have to lie about my excessive crack cocaine/drinking/drinking and driving/bulimia and anorexia addictions. We get back an extensive analysis of our health and our blood. It’s like getting some expensive tests for free. And everyone who participates gets a discount on his or her health insurance. It’s a win-win-win situation. (I just looked on YouTube for a clip of The Office when they did the win-win-win situation about the poster that Angela loves of babies playing the saxophone, but I couldn’t find it.)

So, this morning I donated my blood and I’m praying I don’t end up like before. I should be fine, it was just a quick in and out job. Afterwards, I’m walking back to my desk when I see some dude being hauled off on a stretcher. Sweating like it’s 140 degrees, and shaking like it’s 140 below. His face looked to be preparing for death and it scared the shit out of me. And now I just heard three other people passed out from giving their blood. So, if this is my last post, tell my wife I

LG

Life is Good.

Eagles won. Redskins lost. Cowboys lost. Giants lost.

My fantasy team is 1-0 with high score for the week (Larry Johnson, Chester Taylor, Terrell Owens, Chris Chambers, Kellen Winslow, John Carney, The Bears, and Hasselbeck [though with the draft being Thursday, I was able to start Charlie Batch for last week]). I’m great.

Work is busy and that’s actually good.

Softball tournament on Saturday.

My birthday is Sunday.

The only thing bringing me down right now is the plans my wife made with Tinapopo for dinner on Friday.

Gameday

Go Birds!

more

Win, Lose, or Draw

The category is Action.... Ready? Go!


No... um... here...

close.... uh....

Right... ok sounds like...

Yes! you got it! or did you?

Yet another stressful day at work

It seems like I went through a four-year period where I had a total of four stressful days. Now, suddenly I have two in one week. A holiday shortened week at that! The presentation went well the other day. It was a major step at getting a promotion at the end of the year. But today’s stress seems to be ten times worse. Today’s stress involves making decisions that will greatly reward or greatly distress me, day in and day out, over the next 17 weeks.

Yes, tonight is my fantasy football draft. If I get the number one pick, who do I take? Is Tiki Barber worthy of the number 4 pick? I was let down by his scumbag New York counterpart, A-rod, in baseball this year. How early will Manning go? Do I dare draft TO at all? Today is the most stressful day of the year.

I tried to distract myself from the stress by rearranging the link list, but I think that only stressed me out more.

PS. Stressful, Plentiful, bountiful, beautiful, crapoful. Doesn't it seem like these words should have two l's on the end of them? I mean, it's basically just saying, Full of Stress. Shouldn't it be stressfull? Stupid.

My parents never got divorced, but now I know what it feels like

First Queen of Pink disappeared, then Chuck hung em up, and now The Daily Dump has quit. Three of my favorite blogs gone within a week of each other. All three are on the top four link lines and none of them every bought me anything, so you know I just plain liked them. Three of the best, down the drain. I blame no one but myself.

Puke

At 2 o’clock I have to give a two hour presentation that will be a major factor in my year end review in which I’m hoping to get a promotion. If I screw this up, I’ll probably be stuck in my same position for the rest of my life. Actually, I’ll probably be demoted to janitor. I haven’t given a real presentation since senior year in college nine years ago. I’m not a very good public speaker. Actually, I’m not a very good private speaker either. This sucks. I hate this shit. I hope the world ends in the next two hours.



********* UPDATE! ************

It went better than I expected. It was a lot more interactive two hours than I thought it would be. And I guess that's good, right? When your audience falls asleep: bad. When your auidence talks more than you: good. The only really scary part was when someone asked a question I couldn't answer. I started to get hot around the collar, then decided to rip my shirt off, hop up on the table, go to bablefish translator, and I yelled "¡míreme, yo están desnudo en la tabla con una pantalla en mi cabeza!" Though, I'm pretty sure bablefish was wrong because I always though table was "mesa", not "tabla". So, that was embarassing.

Best Dad Ever

No, not me. My dad.

Last night Kym and I sat down for dinner when the door rang. It was my parents. We finished up dinner as they played with the baby. After we finished they said they had a present for us. We went out the the car and helped them carry in a brand new 40 inch Sony HDTV. I don't know why he bought it for us, but I'm sure not complaining. How sweet is that??!?

Also, I'm still getting about 50 hits a day of retards looking for lance bass pictures. Does anyone know how to delete that post out so I don't get the hits? It's over a year old and more than 300 posts ago so I don't know how to get rid of it.

Typing with my eyes closed would have been hard

So, yesterday I hit Publish and started my no-reading protest. I decided that by not reading I would be protesting the inhumane killing of elephants in Chad, Africa. These innocent elephants are being killed by poachers for their sweet, sexy, delicious, ivory tusks. Upon hitting Publish I saw "Please wait while your..." and I immediately shut my eyes in protest. But, alas, I realized I was too late. And I was sure another Africana elephant just bit the dust because of my heartless act of reading. I can deal with one dead elephant, so I restarted my protest.

Three seconds later I realized I didn't proofread my post. I can't stand embarasing speling mistakes, so I sacrificed a few more dozen elephants as I went back and proofread my post. A few minutes later I realized my plight was worthless as I noticed a comment that I had to read. So, poachers: You win. Go ahead and keep on poaching. Elephants: I'm sorry I couldn't fight harder. But think of it this way: your death means someone is probably getting a really nice ivory bracelet or maybe even a sweet ass ivory chess set. Seems worth it now. Doesn't it? You greedy, self-centered, ivory-hoarding elephants.

Stop Signs

I've decided that I waste too much time reading. So, I'm quitting. Not just books, but everything. No more reading newspapers. No more reading blogs. No more reading emails. No more reading Traffic signs, menus, text messages, flash cards, keyboards, eye charts, or alphabets.

Granted, I'll end up losing my job, not knowing the score to a baseball game, losing touch with people, getting into car accidents, being bad at 3rd grade math, getting really thick glasses, and eating really bad food. But, you know what? It will all be worth it in the end. How, you ask? I'm not yet sure. I'll write when I find out.

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted. Vacation, Had to Get Away.

First of all, I always thought the lyrics to Vacation were Vacation, Happy to get away.

But anyway, we're back from our week in North Carolina. It was awesome. Every vacation I ever go on is a golfing vacation or a vacation with Kym's family. I never have anyone to play with on the beach. I basically skimboard for an hour then I'm bored for the rest of the day. We went with 3 other couples and it was awesome to throw a football, toss a frisbee, play Muckers, and to bring a tennis ball into the ocean and invent a game that involves throwing the ball as hard as you can at the other guy to see who can stop it the most. And with all my family vacations, tivo was the nightly entertainment. With friends it was booze and lots of it. I've been going through withdrawl all day. The shakes are coming on strong now.

While it was a great vacation, the best day of all was yesterday, on Titso and I's one year anniversary. We woke up at 3am and got to driving. After missing a turn and losing 45 minutes, we were back on track and home by 1:15pm. 9 glourious hours of driving. Such a great anniversary, right?!? But, for real, the best thing of the past ten days was as we were giving Kenslee a bath to go out to a nice dinner. While in NC, she became a different baby. She actually took naps during the day, but she is now no longer sleeping through the night. Where she used to looove the bath, now she screamed bloody murder. We were scared she'd continue to hate the bath at home. When she got in last night she was a little hesitant, so Kym decided to try out so bath toys for the first time ever. This resulted in Kenslee's first ever laugh out loud (while awake). It melted our hearts. Kym ran to get the video camera and we caught the last few laughs on tape. I put a bootleg copy of it on the baby blog.




take note of kens' onsie. It says "Made in Italy". It's the fisrt thing I ever got for her. I had it made when we found out kym got pregnant in italy on our honeymoon.


So, I'm back, and tomorrow I work from home, alone with Kenslee for the first time. If I log on to ask for someone to come kill me, please, track me down and mercy kill me.

Guess what?

I leave for vacation in 40 hours.

And you don't.

Bitches!

Stress

Every once in a while I stumble upon a post of somebody talking about how some other blogger they read got fired for what they wrote in their blog. It’s called being “dooced”. I’m pretty sure that’s nothing more than a reference to taking a dump. Anyway, so I really try not to talk about my work on my blog. I talk about it sometimes, but only when I’m happy about things. You can’t get fired for talking about happy things, right!? So, I’ve been trying not to complain in fear that my co-workers or bosses might find my blog and take a dump on me. But, I’m at the point that I need to vent. Venting to my wife just isn’t enough, so I need to write it down for the world to see. So, here goes:

Being a male stripper is stressful. Because that’s what I am. I don’t have a non-stressful job such as, oh I don’t know... a computer programmer. Being a computer programmer is probably a walk in the park. It’s my job as a male stripper, not a programmer, that is really stressing me out right now. It’s partially the thongs I have to wear, and partially the women throwing themselves at me that’s killing me. If I were only a computer programmer and had to do something easy like prepare and present an architectural review for all of upper management to analyze and critique, life would be simple. But no. I chose to be a stripper, and NOT a computer programmer. Life on the pole ain’t easy.

Why I gave up saving lives

Two and a half years ago I was an avid blood donor. We have regular blood drives at work and I always gave. Then one foolish phlebotomist missed my vein twice. She finally found it, but she messed my arm up so bad I couldn’t lift it above my head for 3 days. I swore off giving blood for the rest of my life. About a year ago I was over my trauma and tried to give again. But, I had been in Punta Cana, so I wasn’t allowed because of the malaria risk. So, last Wednesday was my first chance to get back in the hero business. The guy found the vein on the first try, so I thought I was good to go. On Friday my arm started to bruise and today, 5 days later, it looks like a 64 box of Crayola threw up on my elbow.




An eight inch bruise for a little prick. Or a big prick depending on how much you dislike me.

Suri Revealed!

Cnn.com has reported that pictures of baby Suri will soon surface. I’ve been sitting on this for a while, but I think it’s time to reveal that I, like Leah Remini and all the other wackos, have seen baby Suri. I even snapped a few pictures. Here’s the little cutie at one week old!




She must have been sleeping the whole time I was there because she didn’t move. She had her eyes open, but Tommy says all good Thetans sleep with one eye open. Apparently lil Suri is an over-achiever already! Sleeps with two eyes open!

It was a few weeks between that first time and the next time I saw her. And this time I saw her she had already grown her Scientolowings! Isn’t she fantastic!

Fidelity - Regina Spektor

I heard this song on Sirius. I bought the cd and I fell in love with the song and her. Too bad I'm happily married and I'm pretty sure she's a lesbian.

PS. Why does every youtube video's sound seem to be off?

PPS. Do you think when she was little all the mean girls called her VaGina InSpektor?

Dating and Playing. Two things my daughter will not be allowed to do.

Friday night Kym invited over some work friends for happy hour. Being the gracious host that I am, I decided to go beer for beer, shot for shot, with everyone that was there over the period of 6 hours. And, well, I was wasted. If you have a baby that wakes up at 7am and you have to get up with her, I highly suggest not getting wasted like that. But, being the great dad I am, I was up with her, fed her, and I with a little bit of luck, I got her back to sleep for a few more hours.

Later in the day she was grumpy so we decided (I was forced) to go out to the park with her. I don’t know if it’s the new playground technology, if I’m an overprotective dad, or I’m just old, but playgrounds are fuckin dangerous these days.

First, there’s the rock climbing wall thingy. Sounds innocent enough. No... actually, that sounds dangerous to begin with. Add in the chain linked, umm, chain, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. The playground looks like this:



I see this:




Yes, if I ever let her play, it would be in a pink dress with pink high heels.


Next, the slides. This one does sound innocent. And if it weren’t for the fact that the slide was literally perpendicular to the ground it would have been. The playground looks like this:



I see this:



The final deathtrap I saw was actually on the playground specifically made for the smallest of kids. It was a dinosaur looking thing with a ladder kids climb up. Except the rungs on the ladder were the perfect size for kids legs to slip between. The playground looks like this:




I see this:




And that will be why my daughter will not be allowed to leave the house and she'll have no friends.

Like me.

I bet your dad could beat up this dad.

Last night I took my lovely wife to go see the Broadway production of The Lion King. Well, we went to the Philly version of the Broadway production of The Lion King. Tickets for this thing went on sale last year and I got tickets for Kym for Christmas. So, she's been looking forward to it for 8 months now. On Monday I had a softball playoff game and if I won, the next game was last night, but we suck and we lost, so I got stuck going to see some fruity play. I've only been to one other show in my life: Stomp. It gave me a headache.

The show starts with some lady screaming in African (is African a language?) and the stage fills up with all these slightly disturbing looking people prancing around in extravagant animal outfits singing about some "Circle of Life" or whatever. It was big and beautiful and loud and bright and I thought to myself, "I wonder if Chase Utley got a hit yet."

So, Simba is born and the kid who plays young Simba is actually entertaining and I'm enjoying it. blah, blah, blah, and we met Simba's evil uncle Scar. He's not all that scary, but when he leads Simba to the elephant graveyard with the hyenas, it's actually a little frightening. I'd say about 20% of the audience was kids and I can only image a lot of them were scared. We go through the show and there's a lot of boring scenes, and there's several scary scenes with the two main bad-evil hyenas, and the dopey sidekick hyena, Ed. Fast forward, Scar and hyenas are removed from power, Simba's king, we go home and get our daughter from my parents house after not seeing her for longer than either of us have gone in two months.

We go home, I see Chase Utely got two hits, I go to sleep. And I have nightmares. Nightmares about two evil guys who beat and kill people and have a dopey sidekick, Ed. And they kill Ed and they start chasing me and I wake up and I have to pee and I realize how much of a pussy I am. The End.

Pictures

I try to post a simple picture of a starburst man screwing a leprechaun and you all start sticking your noses in my business looking at all the other pictures on my desk. So, here they are.

On the far right is a picture of me skydiving from about 5 years ago. This isn't the actual picture, but I have a whole roll of them, so I scanned in a different one.


The "topless" picture is from our wedding. It's one of my favorite pictures and I don't remember it being taken. At our wedding we had those stupid table cameras where we had 500 pictures developed and this is the only one I'll ever look at again. I think it was Kym's cousin taking a picture as a joke because they were faking being so excited that we came to visit them. I love the happiness that lights up her face and I'm perfectly caught in the background drinking my captian and coke and being amused by the seemingly mischevious happenings.



This is another one I don't remember being taken. I love the look on Kenslee's face. She looks so contently bored. I think this was the day she came home from the hospital when she was still just a little peanut. It's in a "Daddy and Me" frame.



And obviously the last picture is my boy.

Over the past 6 days I’ve had approximately 3500 people visit my site looking at lance bass pictures. Approximately 3499 clicked on nothing but bass. Today one person actually looked at my sidebar and noticed that I make starburst porn and clicked on all of that. And it reminded me. It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?

It's not the first time he's caused a rise like this in me

Holy Lance Bass is gay traffic!

I write one little post asking people who they think they hottest boy band member is and suddenly 88% of the traffic to my site is people looking to get a little piece of Man BAss. I'm literally getting 4-5 hits per minute of people looking for his picture. Imagine how many I'd get if I posted the ones from Lance and I's private collection!?

Harold and Kumar ruin everything

One early evening on vacation I settled in front of the tv. We don’t have HBO at home so I was pretty excited to watch some good movies. I avoided watching Entourage because it was my favorite show last year and I want to watch the whole season in a row. After watching Napoleon Dynamite for the 13th time I was ready for something new. And that’s when I discovered Harold And Kumar go to White Castle. It was really fuckin funny in a this-is-the-most-retarded-shit-I’ve-ever seen kinda way. I mean, does it get any funnier than seeing Doogie Howser doing a line of coke off a chicks ass sticking out of the sunroof of a car he stole after hitchhiking? I don’t think so.

After watching the last 45 minutes of that masterpiece my mood was just as bright when I went out on the balcony where Kym and her parents and Kenslee were hanging out. My mother in law was dancing like a fool trying to get my daughter to laugh and she was. A few minutes later Kym leaned over and kissed her dad on the cheek and on the lips and I knew something wasn’t quite right. Kym and her mom took the baby inside leaving me in what became an awkward silence with her dad. I went inside to get ready for Kym and I’s night out. While getting ready she told me her dad just told her he has cancer. It’s “only” prostate cancer if there’s such thing as “only” cancer. He gets treatment in September and won’t be able to hold the baby for several months and isn’t supposed to hug any women in their child bearing years. So, basically it got us off our lazy asses to get Kens baptized before then, and things aren’t super happy right now. And I definitely hate cancer more than I did 3 posts ago.

Back. Without a bang.

- My daughter is more and more like me everyday. She’s had my eyes since she was born. On vacation we found she has my love of swimming in the pool. And on the way home from vacation we found out she has my hatred for driving 680 miles in one day.
- I won a resort poker tournament. 4 tickets to a variety of local attractions. We picked miniature golfing. Titso’s mom beat me.
- I didn’t miss blogging when I was gone. I read blogs whilst gone, but I was too lazy and didn't care to write or usually to comment.
- I have the world’s worst fantasy baseball team.
- Looking at my statcounter it seems that the only people that visit here anymore are people looking for pictures of Brad Pitt’s penis and Adrienne Curry’s ass.
- You would think that since I was gone for a week I’d have at least one blog worthy experience. You’d be wrong in your thinking.

I'll be gone till November

Or maybe just all of next week. Have fun while I'm lying on the beach, playing in the ocean, golfing, and wrestling aligators. While I'm gone may I suggest you do one or more of the following that are just as fun as reading my blog?:

- kick a puppy
- learn oragami
- fake your own death
- actually die
- drink until you need to get your stomach pumped
- read the bible
- reenact every scene from the bible
- just go to work like you do everyday

Soured

I want to start this post off by telling you how much I hate cancer. I really hate cancer. It’s like, probably one of the worst diseases. Top 3 worst diseases. Cancer, AIDS, and some other disease I can’t think of right now are the top three. Not necessarily in that order.

So, naturally I was happy to see that Alex’s Lemonade stand was going to be coming to our work today. I get to have lemonade, and hate cancer at the same time. An unbeatable mix. Add the fact that Rita’s Water Ice would be here too, it’s pretty much the best cancer hating day at work ever.

So, I went out and grabbed lunch. I ate some delicious pizza and came back to work to settle in for a nice big glass of cancer hating lemonade. Unfortunately, my optional 2 dollar donation didn’t exactly yield me that tall, refreshing glass I was hoping for.

Still nothing??

I get so sick of looking at the same post for more than 2 days in a row. I keep coming back and hoping that I wrote and posted something new. Unfortunately, I still haven’t.

A meeting of the 78,816th and 46,236th most famous bloggers in the world*

Titso and Tinapopo made plans to meet at a restaurant halfway between our houses at 7pm on Saturday night. The night got off to a late start as Tina and Andrew rolled in around 8:30, drunk, and smelling a little bit like crack cocaine. They stumbled to our table at the back of the restaurant. A quaint window table with a view of the dumpsters. We rose to greet them. "Ooohhh, Kenslee looks so much cuter in the pictures," she said. Odd, I thought to myself. She must have said that wrong. But, no. It turns out Tinapopo is a real bitch. "This is a real shitty restaurant you guys picked out." She then told us. Just then the waitress came to our table to take our orders. "I order you to take a shower you skank," Tina said before smacking the waitress in the ass. The rest of us ordered our food then Andrew asked to hold the baby. When we handed her over he threw her up in the air and drop kicked her across the restaurant. Then Tina pulled a Molotov Cocktail out of her handbag and burned the restaurant to the ground. As the smoke built they held guns to our back and forced us to smile for a picture.




* - according to technorati

I like how firefox saves every blog title I've ever had when I go to type in a title here

If I can think of anything to write, I’ll do it later. Until then I bore you with this. Last night we beat the perennial champion softball team for only the 2nd time in the past 6 years. We’re getting better, hitting better, making little to no errors, plus we have me. I’m like Tony the Tiger. I’m grrrrreeeat!

In other news, I’ve exchanged emails with many bloggers. I’ve received cd’s from a couple of bloggers. And even received a baby shower present from a blogger. But I’ve never met one. Have you? Titso is supposed to be making plans for this weekend with a fellow blogger to hang out, get drunk, and talk about how much better our blogs are than yours. Jealous much?

World Cup Soccer Goalie

VoF reminded me this is why "football" is so gay.

Nobody's working today, so what's the point?

I was going to recap my weekend but I bored myself when I started. One point of interest was that I watched the Portugal/England World Cup game on Saturday. It was the biggest waste of two hours ever. I’ve now watched two games and not a single goal has been scored. Both games were decided by two of the most boring shootouts ever. How is the whole rest of the world so fascinated by this crap?

HUH? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I HAVE HEADPHONES ON. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SPEAK UP!

I feel bad for you

I wrote the best freakin post this morning. It was so good that I had to keep to to myself. My Precious post for just me. I don’t want to give too much away about it in case someone else comes up with the same idea, but I will tell you it involved an ice cream cone with jimmies on top and a unicorn winning the Kentucky Derby. You guys are so unlucky that you can’t read it all.

Six Degrees of Portuguese Nation?

Today while perusing my favorite ego feeding site I noticed that I am the only English speaking link on a Portuguese blogger’s link list. So, first of all, I guess I now have to expand my six degrees of blogger nation rules to include not only English sites, but also Portuguese. Second, I’m still pondering how this makes me feel. Any link is a good link, but what if this person makes fun of me on their blog all the time. That wouldn’t be a good link. But, I have to assume there’s no mal intent here.

There’s no English at all on this person’s site. So, do they even know English? Maybe they’re learning English by reading my site! How cool would that be! I wonder if I can put that on my resume. If they’re learning the language by reading Chloraphil, they’ve made the write choice. They will be a very well speaker before long.

My next train of thought is a wonderment of what kind of stuff they write about. Most of the English speaking people that read my site have somewhat the same type of humor that I have. This Portuguesean must be a pretty funny guy/girl themself. So, through the magic of alta vista I translated something they’ve written recently. Here’s an excerpt:

“I likes wine. Me like wines and sheep cheese. The most popular cheese of Portugal! Pork meat is also very popular in my home land. Actually, just because I speak Portuguese doesn’t mean I live in Portugal, but we’ll just make that assumption for now. Want to know another one of my favourites? Pastries! Portugese people are sweet toothed! My last favourite thing I like is Starburst Porn!”

At least that’s what I think alta vista translated it as. It only translated every other word, so I just filled in the blanks.

I'm Smart (note the capital "S")

One thing I think a lot of people don’t realize is that in order to be a good parent you have to be smart. When your baby cries, you have to be smart enough to realize she hasn’t eaten in four hours. If she cries more you have to realize you haven’t changed her diaper in two or three days. And the thing with changing diapers is you have to be smart about it. A lesser parent would have been pooped or peed on more than the 5 times I have. If your baby cries more you have to be smart enough to realize they want to be held.

Being a good dad basically takes a genius. Luckily for Kenslee I’m the smartest person she knows. Except for her mom. And probably the doctor that delivered her. And most of the nurses. And probably all four of her grandparents. And just about all of her aunts and uncles. But, yeah, my daughter is lucky I’m one of the smartest people she knows.

Sheesh!

What a long day today's been!

Get it?

huh?

huh?

Ya know..

Cause today's summer solstice!

woohoo!

I'm hilarous!

I'm Loving it!

Pink Kitty and Melissa have both recently stated that they are, or want to grow their hair out so they can donate it to Locks of Love. I’ve never mentioned it on here before, but I did that once a few years back. I generally can’t stand it when my hair is longer than an inch or so, but it was such a good cause I couldn’t pass it it. Like Melissa said, “it's a great organization and it's ultimately for one of the best causes out there: the vanity of cancer patients”
Anyway, I thought I’d share with you the pictures from when I went through this process.




Before:




My donatee was kinda punk, so I had to dye my hair towards the end.



One little known fact about Lock of Love is they accept all bodily hair.

My chest hair went to some lucky Italian Stallion.



And my pubes? Well, I still haven’t shaved them.

Pappa Bear

My first Father’s Day started like every other day does now: with a baby crying at 7am. She wasn’t, and doesn’t so much cry at 7am, rather, she grunts. We seriously have the loudest sleeping baby in the world. At home she sleeps in a bassinet on Titso’s side of our king-sized bed and I have a fan on my side. The fan and distance drowns out a lot of the little noises she makes. Over the weekend, we went down to spend the weekend with Titso’s parents in Virginia. She slept in a make-shift bassinet on the floor and Titso and I slept in a double-sized bed in a fanless room. And let me tell you this, my baby girl makes some serious noise in her sleep. From yelps, to fakeout cries, to grunt after grunt, she’s got it all. She makes so much noise that you wake up to get her because she must be dying or something, but when you go to pick her up, it turns out she’s just sleeping.

Anyway, Titso was good to me and took her downstairs to let me sleep in on Fathers Day. I woke up and we ate and hit the road shortly after that. On the way down to VA Kenslee was an angel and slept the whole time, minus our dinner stop. She was a bit more fussy on the ride home, but we powered on to get home for the blogger poker tourney. I lasted for 3 hours in that, then we headed out to a local pub for a father’s day dinner. Kenslee was quiet for all of about 10 minutes before the crying started. We rushed through dinner and went home. I got a couple of nice shirts and a “Daddy and Me” picture frame in which this picture will be placed:




All in all it was and good fathers day. I could have done without the 4 hour drive and the all-day fussiness. But, I’ve been a father for 3 weeks now and I’ve loved every minute of it. (Not including the 3 hours Titso left me alone with her while I was trying to work from home on Friday.)

blogger poker tourney - In typical fashion

I beat 2100 people, and came up 120 short of winning anything.

***
Update: Take note of the person taking my chips in the above picture. Now take note of who is about to win the tourney. It took the best player in the blogger world to take me out!!

A line em up knock em down day at work

Today at work I'm going bowling. Half of my team works out of north jersey and the other half is down here by philly. After every big release we have, we get together to "celebrate". In about a half hour I'm taking Kenslee to the doctor for a checkup, then I'm heading up to Princeton, NJ. We're going to lunch, then going bowling. I'm sure I can win over my new team by bowling good! Wish me luck!

I play favorites

I’ve updated my links. I’ve added some, deleted some, changed some, put new pictures in for some. And I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve listed you in the order that I love you.

Some of you have gained more of my love through your wit.

Some of you post everyday and keep me more entertained than others.

Some of you increased your position by buying, making, or giving me stuff.

Some remain on the linkage even though you barely write, but I want you to come back, so I leave you there. But you’re lower than you would be if you posted more. I would love you more if you let me.

There’s a few of you that don’t have a link. You’re bookmarked, but I’ve been burned in the past by people who entertain me briefly, only to let me down before long. You still need to prove my love for you. Or buy me something.

It's called Roshambo for all you unlearned

Did anyone catch the Rock, Paper, Scissors Championships on tv last night?

If so, did you see the one part where the one guy threw rock, and the other guy also threw rock? It was freakin mayhem. Then there was the one part where the lady threw paper and the guy threw rock and she covered his rock with her paper? He cried foul because you can’t make contact! A fight almost broke out. Then, the one lady who threw paper, then changed it to rock? Ha! You’re caught lady! They went to the slow motion reply! You rockhead! You know how the old saying goes: "I'm rock and you're paper, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to your scissors."

again.

Every time I go to Qdoba and get habanero salsa on my burrito I regret it.

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 7194295

Oh, my God!

Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson says it is the God's honest truth -- he did, indeed, once leg-press a ton when he was almost 73 and had prostate cancer, and he still regularly lifts up to 1,200 pounds with his legs.


Here’s a list of other things Pat Robertson has done that are not mentioned in this article.

- Pat Robertson once swam around the world. Underwater.
- Pat Robertson can throw a football over them mountains. If coach woulda put him in, they’d have been state champions.
- Lance Armstrong is really Pat Robertson wearing a Lance Armstrong mask.
- The part in Forrest Gump where he runs across the United States was based on something Pat Robertson did one time on a bet.
- Pat Robertson’s sweat cures AIDS. He’s just not giving it to them gays.
- You know the Greek mythological character Atlas, who holds the world on his shoulders? Pat Roberson bitch slapped him once.
- In May of 2003 a Nuclear Bomb was accidentally dropped on Arkansas. But, luckily, Pat Robertson flew around the world backwards really fast, like Superman, and time reversed and he was able to prevent the disaster.

Mascot

Last night there was a llama at my softball game. Seriously. Some guy was walking his llama around the parking lot of our softball field. We’ve been playing at this field for 6 years now. Just last year someone looked across the street and noticed gigantic birds in this guy’s backyard. He had a flock of Ostriches. Either Ostriches or Emus. Now apparently he’s moved on to llamas. Anyway, he was walking the llama when someone hit a foul ball in it’s direction. The llama freaked out and broke loose. He was running around the field then he noticed one of the guys on the other team had brought his family. The llama ran over and ate the guy’s baby. OK, maybe that’s a lie, but there was seriously a llama at my softball game last night.

The future's so bright...

Tim circa 1975:



Kenslee 2006:



Tim 2005:



Kenslee circa 2036:

It's a

. . .

Is this it?

Bloody show but no contractions. Doc said to head to the hospital.

I played poker today. 60 people. I won. Could be a great day!


****

update : 1:08am Just got back from hospital. Contractions have started, but they sent us home. Right now they're every 5 minutes, we have to wait until they're every 3.

STILL nothing

Working from home

With the world's most annoying cat.




Have a good long weekend. I'll stop by with any news.

thoughts

Starburst porn is awesome. But, would you feel creepy if your dad made Starburst porn? I wonder if I have to retire.

four days overdue

Thats all for now.

2 poorly created polls today

Free Web poll for your Web site - freepolls.com

Girl's name

Free Web poll for your Web site - freepolls.com

Things I'm too old for

Last night I had a softball game. I wear shorts. I was on 2nd base when a guy hit a bomb. It was caught and the outfielder fell backwards. I tried to tag up from 2nd to home (3rd base coach’s call). I slid, I was out. I got a bruise on my ass, a scrape on my leg, and cut my arm. But we won! We're 4-1 for the first time ever. Softball’s awesome.

As requested

no baby yet

Hairy and the Hendersons

As Fall turns to Winter, Winter turns to Spring, and Spring turns to Summer, there’s one thought that is on everyone’s mind: how does my chest look in a bathing suit? In particular, my nips. In particular, my nip hair. For pretty much my whole life I was not a hairy person. But, since I was a swimmer, I had to shave my entire body several times a year, which, scientifically proven or not, made me a hairier person. All of the hair on my chest grows at the same rate except the hairs around my nipples. It’s probably a 3 to 1 growth ratio. If chest hairs are manly, these hairs are Supermanly. Example:



So, this leaves my nipples in a quandary. I am not a chest shaving kind of person, so how do I treat these freak hairs? Do I trim them to be the same size as the rest of my manly chest hairs? Do I shave them? Do I let them spread their wings? Wax? Yank? It’s impossible to decide. It’s decisions like this that make me glad I’m not a girl.

Immunity

A true alcoholic builds up such a tolerance for alcohol that beer just doesn’t do the job for them. A drug addict goes from weed to coke to anything stronger to get them high. I think my wife has become a pregaholic. When she got pregnant she stopped drinking and doing anything that would harm the baby. She tried to take it easy, but that didn’t last long. She joined a bowling league and didn’t stop bowling until somewhere around week 36. She traveled across the country up until the doctor told her to stop. Every weekend she spends about 4 hours outside on her hands and knees gardening. Her feet hurt too much to go on long walks too much anymore, yet she’s on her feet cleaning or doing something around the house for about 6 hours a day. She’s built up a tolerance to the 7-8 pound baby inside of her. One day past due and I don’t see an end anywhere in sight. The raspberry tea, mac and cheese with Worchester sauce, bumby roads, sex, or whatever other things are supposed to induce labor just won’t work. She’s immune to what’s going on inside of her.

A failed post

I tried to make a list of things I will be doing this weekend with each thing starting with a letter of the alphabet. But, as it turns out, if we don’t have this baby, then I’ll pretty much be sitting on my ass all weekend trying to get rest while it’s still possible.

I changed the tone of my other blog from Super Sperm to the real baby blog so I wouldn’t talk about baby crap here. But when I sit back and try to think of something to write about all I think about is baby crap. Baby crap, or tv shows. Speaking of which, how great was the season finale of the Office? I wasn’t around last week to talk about it. It was awesome, but is the show now ruined? The inter-office flirting won’t be as interesting if they actually get together, and it will stop if they don’t. Maybe next season will be all about Dwight and Angela.

** Addendum **

I have an unhealthy man-love for Britney's new mustached bodyguard.


Courtesy of Trent

Things are starting to trickle back to normal at work and hopefully my blogging will get back to normal. I was busy all day yesterday, but I needed a day away from the madness, so I worked from home. I worked all day, but I was able to work while Jerry Springer was in front of me. It was a “Marry me right now” episode. I know this is going to sound shocking, but the people that wanted to get married later found out their loved one was cheating on them. Usually with someone of the same sex. Madness!

Anyway, no news on the baby front. No dialation. No nothing. All those labor inducing old wives tales are bullshit! Bullshit I say!

I was out last night at a softball game then dealing poker so I didn’t get to watch Lost yet. I can’t wait to go home and watch that and the finale of amazing race. Thank God I have two tivos! Though last night we needed a thurd because Titso and I are obsessed with Dateline’s To Catch a Predator. Those guys should all be put to death.

Grey's Boreotomy

I just started getting into this show earlier this year. And all I have to say is that was just about the most boring/stupid season finale ever. The black dude won’t lose control of his hands. Unless she wanted to leave the show, the big boobed chick won’t quit. I knew from the first episode I ever watched that Denny would kick the bucket. There was about an hour in the middle of the show that I just wanted to fall asleep. Meredith is in love with McGayey like a stupid high school girl and it’s annoying. They stole a heart? Come on. And then a doctor from another hospital performed a heart transplant on a whim? Retarded. I can’t wait for Desperate Housewives this week to get my dose of good tv… Uh huh…


Oh, and the most emotional part of the show? When the dog died.

Sex, boobs, and Mac and Cheese

Titso is a mere 6 days from due. We've decided that we want the baby to come this Wednesday. My b-day is Sept. 17th, her's is June 17th, so it would be cool if the baby was May 17th. (Everytime we watch Deal or No Deal we pick case 17. We'd be two rich bitches right now) So, for the next day and a half we're going to try every labor inducing wives' tale in the book. Tonight it's Mac and Cheese with Worcester sauce. Tomorrow is the never-fail labor inducing sex. 2 minutes of pleasure followed by 20 hours of pain. Got any other suggestions for me?

A post

Sorry for those of you who thought I was off being a dad. No baby yet.

On April 30th I installed a software program written by myself and the girl I work closely with. Two days later it was discovered that the coding she did caused problems. Big Problems. We reversed the code and I worked more than I ever have helping to get that problem resolved. All of last week I worked crazy hours.

This past Tuesday was the worst day of my professional career. It was discovered, after 9 days, that the code I wrote had a gigantic problem. Not an easily recognizable problem, but one with enormous consequences. On Tuesday I wanted to quit, go home, pack my house, move to China, or go somewhere that no one knows my name (Norm!). For the past three work days I've been working with everyone who can possibly help me to get this resolved. A team of about 15 people will still be working through tomorrow to help me get this resolved and another 15 will be talking me off the ledge.

Every post I've written over the past two weeks was written at home, or contrived in my head at home. Very rare for me. So, while I can pretty much gaurantee I won't have a post tomorrow, I hope I can can get a few minutes to read everyone's blogs. And what I can definitely do is wish Giselle good luck getting married this weekend, and have you tell Titso good luck if I don't post anymore before the baby.

I hope to be back to normal soon. Boobs!

help

What the hell do I get Titso for soon to be Mother's Day?

Real-time Blaining

8pm – the show begins.

8:01pm – this is horrible. Fast forward to the end.

9:45pm – David is getting a countdown to when he is going to start the “magic trick”

9:45:30 – 30 more seconds until he starts

9:45:55 – Fuck this, I can hold my breath for 9 minutes too, I’m going for it.

9:46 – I take my last breath. My record breaking breath hold begins.

15 seconds – This is going to be easy.

30 seconds - The clock is practically moving in fast motion. This is the worlds easiest trick.

1 minute – still strong. 1 down, 8 to go.

1:05 – wait, 8 more to go?

1:15 – I gotta start listening to Blaine’s coach. Soothing techniques probably work well.

1:30 – yep. Eyes closed. My feet are relaxed. My whole body is now using less energy. On my way.

1:45 – fuck.

1:50 – I might die

1:55 – I gotta beat this fucker.

2:00 – my lungs are going to explode.

2:04 – UUGUGHGH!!!

2:05 – I didn’t make it. I can’t breath. I can’t see. Am I dead? Grandpa? What are you doing in my bedroom? You’re dead, you can’t be here. What’s going on?

2:30 – I regain consciousness.

3:00 – I think Blaine is starting to undo his chains or something. I don’t care. He cheated. He was trained by Navy Seals. This show sucks.

7:00 – HA! You little bitch. You fell way short. You suck. I rule. I’d have made it to 9 minutes if I didn’t go to the bar earlier tonight.

7:10 – ahh, in true, David “I used to bang Fiona Apple” fashion, he’s having two hot chicks pull him from the water.

7:20 – whoa, that one chick has a meaty ass.

7:45 – Oh my God, that’s not a chick. I need more oxygen.

I'm tired. So Tired. I'm tired of having P.

Poker – played yesterday. Finished 6th out of 78.

Parties – Went to a 2 year old birthday, then a 50 year old birthday. Two year old’s was freakin mayhem with about 45 kids running around. 50 year old’s was freakin mayhem with all my cowokers singing karaoke.

Puke – what I almost did at 5am the morning after the parties where I went from Amstel Light, to Heineken, to vodka, to Miller Light.

Pounds – 1350. The approximate weight of the 3 yards of mulch I got delivered and moved into our gardens yesterday before poker.

Pack and Play – one of the only big things we didn’t get at our baby showers. Bought it Friday night. Yep, nothing like hittin up Babies R Us on a Friday night!

Pathetic – Desperate Housewives. I hate myself for continuing to watch that horrible show.

Py family – The Philly family that was on Extreme Makeover last week that I finally watched last night. It was probably the least sad story out of any Extreme Makeover show ever. It sucks that these kids mom and dad died, but that bad shit happens all the time. They were given a new house, $150K, and free college tuitions, and they STILL put up a link to donate more money to the family. Do they really deserve that much?!?

Picked out names yet? – The question asked a million times to Titso and I at parties.

Pee – smells from eating asparagus last night

Pixie – the skank that gave me this.


"If you'd like to play, I will give you a letter. Write ten words beginning with that letter in your blog, including an explanation of why you chose it, and then pass out letters to those who want to play along."

Happy HPT! (Half Poem Thursday)

I’m sorry that I’ve been too busy
To write anything funny.
And now I’ve started sneezing,
And my nose is all runny.

I come into work and
I read all your blogs,
When I got home last night,
I went for a jogs.

Everyday around eleven,
I start to get real busy.
I have three parties on Satuday,
That are sure to rock the hizzy.

Something got screwed up
And I’m dousing the fire.
That black guy on Lost
Is apparently a liar.

I’ve got nothing to do right now,
So I’m writing a post.
My favorite actor from Happy Days
Is probably Donny Most.

But I’m sure in about an hour,
I’ll be stuck on a call.
The best thing about a tiger attack,
Is using the word “maul.”

And I’m sure I’ll get stuck here,
And I’ll have to work late.
I’m thinking we’ll do silent birth,
Like Tom and like Kate.

I’ll go home tonight,
I’ll be awake until One.
Today is going to be 80
With nothing but Sun.

And I’ll wake up tomorrow
And do it all over.
Red Rover Red Rover
Please shoot me.

What pigment causes most plants to be colored green?

An hour ago if someone asked me what Chloraphil (aka, chlorophyll) was, I honestly wouldn't have been able to tell them. "Chloraphil? more like bore-a-phil!" was just a line from Billy Madison that I thought would make a good blog title. (bonus brownie points to whoever knows my original title). I thought the title was kinda fitting because as much as I'd like to sound smart, scientific or brainy, I usually just sound boring and use words that aren't real. So, anyway, I was just watching Cash Cab and the question was "What pigment causes most plants to be colored green?" I instinctivly knew the answer before it was given.

You learn something new you already knew everyday.

Diversion

Until I can write something of my own today, I direct you to Pixie's prediction of what Baby-bore-a-phil will look like

S/he's beautiful!

5 things on my desk that don't rhyme with each other

1. Orange
2. Phone
3. Vitamin
4. Dice
5. Lice

Disgusting!

A few years ago I learned the hard way that ducks are one of only a handful of animals that rape. I was and always will be scarred by this incident. I thought that I'd seen the worst of ducks. Until today. Not only do ducks rape, but apparently they also kill thier own children and use them as slippers.

I posted this on my baby blog, but I like it, so it's going here too. bitches.

There’s a lot I look forward to in being a dad. With a boy, the thing I most look forward to is having catches, playing sports and all other guy stuff that dads and sons do. With a girl I think I’ll probably be the kind of dad who has no problems having a make believe tea party with my girl and other things like that. With girls, I’m not even sure what they like because I didn’t have any sisters growing up. But, I know I’ll enjoy every minute with her.

The other big thing that I look forward to the most is watching how kid’s minds and imaginations work. Today is Take Your Child to Work Day and a 4 and a half year old boy was just being introduced to the people around me. He was introduced to me, “This is Tim. Tim’s going to be having a baby soon.” His response was, “Why? Did he eat a baby?” I can’t wait for awesome questions like that from my kid.

All the cool kids are doing it

I made it too easy I think. Quiz about Tim!

Sophie's Choice

Email recieved:

"The 2006 IT Diversity Council wants to showcase your ability in its upcoming

Talent Show & Art Exhibition at your site. Before we pursue this idea, we need to know how many of our fellow-employees would be interested in participating in these two events as artist and/or volunteers."


I've created so much amazing artwork over the past few months.

*** I deleted the pictures because I can't click on the links on my sidebar with cartoon nudity staring back at me. No matter how poorly it's MSPainted. ***

Porn or Children's book?

Come Sally.
Come, Come!
Oh, Sally.
Come Come!
Come Sally, Come!
Oh Sally!
See Sally go!
Go Sally, go.
Go, go, go!
Sally said, "Oh, see. See Mother go."
"Come Dick! Come, Jane! Come and go!"
Jane said, "Oh, Dick! See Sally and Tim."
"Oh, Oh, oh! See baby Sally go! Go, dick, go!"
Sally said, "oh, Mother!"
"See dick fall down. See Jane fall down."
"Funny Funny Dick and Jane."


This is the exact wording of a book we got yesterday. The only thing I added was the exclamation points. How am I supposed to read that to my kid with a straight face?

I saw dead people

This didn't post the first 13 times I tried, let me try again...


Friday Night: Watched King Kong. Proved to myself that I could never get through the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy. I can’t handle 3+ hours of action movies. And as much as I love Jack Black, he was horrible for this movie.

Saturday afternoon: Play poker. Get knocked out in the first hand.

Saturday late afternoon: Play poker again. Get 4th out of 100 people.

Saturday Night: The Body Worlds exhibit has been in Philadelphia since November. Titso has been dying to see it, yet we were too lazy to go down to check it out. This is the last weekend it’s in Philly, so the exhibit is open for 66 straight hours or something. The best tickets we could get were for midnight Saturday. So we went down. She loved it. I would have loved my bed more. If you’re not familiar with Body Worlds it’s an exhibit of dead people who donated their bodies to this exhibit. They “Plastinatize” the bodies, which basically halts decomposition. Then they strip away whatever muscles, bones, organs, arteries, or whatever they want to show specific parts of the human body. Basically you’re looking at dozens of actual dead people. It was cool at first, but I got bored at around 1:30am. If it comes to your town, I’d recommend it, but sometime before midnight.

Sunday: had the last of our real baby showers. Less than four weeks until I’m due to be a daddy. Say a pray for the future of our children who have to be raised by idiots like me.

Blogs are so over

I think we can all come to a friendly agreement that “blog” is not an attractive word. I know it makes sense in that it’s a combination of web and log, but I think it sounds more like something that comes out a baby’s diaper. “Little Timmy didn’t sleep well last night. He was crying for hours, plus he blogged all over himself.” So, obviously, a new word needs to be invented. Here’s my suggestions:

Blag: A combination of Blue and Fag. (The Euro word for cigarette you homophobe!) The word has to be pronounced with a British accent to get the full effect. I think if there were blue fags, EVERYBODY would write about them. More people would write about blue fags than blogs.

Blig: A combination of Blueberries and Pigs. Blueberry bacon. Best invention ever? I think so. Endless hours of Bligging would ensue.

Blug: A combo of Black and Bug. Kinda like a cockroach, but awesomer. You know what never dies? Cockroachs and Blugs.

Bleg: A combo of Outback Steakhouse’s Bloomin Onion, and a keg. Now picture someone hoisting your legs up for you to do a bleg stand. Could you resist writing about your experience doing a bleg stand? I think not.


Other suggestions are welcome, but they probably won't make as much sense as mine.

Trashy

I know I’m probably alienating* some of my readers, but is Middle America retarded (no offense to retards)? Ace needed to be voted off, but Kellie Pickler was by far the worst performer this week, and is by far the worst singer on the show.**

Yesterday I accidentally sent my friend an email in which I talked shit about him behind his back. We always talk trash about each other to each other’s faces, but I think the fact that I was ripping on him behind his back may cause me to lose my life the next time I see him.

I have a manager assimilation today. I basically get to talk trash about my manager for four hours and he finds out that trash was talked, but not who talked it. Unfortunately he hasn’t been my manager long enough for me to have any problems with him, so I’m reduced to making up lies. I’ll probably say he kicks puppies, uses handicap parking spots, and votes for Kellie Pickler.

*old school Popoalien

**I know the fact that I actually watch and care about American Idol makes me retarded

The good old days

Remember when I used to be funny? No? Well I was once. I think.

Even more of a fond memory... remember when you used to be funny? That was awesome when YOU were funny. What happened?

No more Brontosaurus burgers for me!

For the past five years I’ve been programming in a computer language called M. It’s basically only used for hospital and banking companies and it looks like computers looked like when they were invented in the 1400’s… well before Al Gore invented the internet. A few weeks ago I started a new position doing the same thing, with the promise that I’d get to program in Java, JSP, and other visual/graphical/windows based type languages. Today I finally got the hardware and software needed to do this and I will shortly be doing projects in these new languages. I’m so excited that I needed to take a break and blog about it. I’m finally stepping into the 21st century! Next thing you know I’ll be driving “cars”, or I’ll be watching movies on “laser disc”, or dancing like the “robot”.

Seriously

Where is everybody? Why doesn't anybody blog anymore? Is it not cool anymore? Seriously.

Tim and Titso: The Bronze Medalists of Awesome Couples

The two most famous couples in the world are pregnant. We are pregnant.


Brad and Angelina recently decided to have their baby in Namibia. We recently decided to have our baby in Pennsylvania. (both end in "ia".. coincidence??)


Tom Cruise recently reached level 7 Thetan in Scientology. One time a few years ago I reached level 7 in Tetris.


Brangelina and Tomkat conceived their babies out of wedlock. We conceived our baby within 48 hours of wedlock.


Tom got Katie to become a Scientologist. Angelina got Brad to become a 3rd country world savior. Titso got me to fold the laundry. (Once I even did it without her having to ask)


Angelina adopted a bunch of kids before she even met Brad. Titso adopted a cat before she met me.


Tom Cruise is so powerful he hasn’t had a cold in years. I haven’t been sick in years (not including two weeks ago)


Tom Cruise can, and has, cured people of heroin addiction in 72 hours. I once tried to stay drunk for 72 hours. (only made it 30)


Brad Pitt dumped Jennifer Aniston to get with Angelina. I dumped Jennifer Aniston to get with Titso.

Six Sayings I'm Trying to Popularize

I came, I saw, I threw up because you’re so ugly.

Know when to say “know when”.

You’re only as funny as the mirror tells you you are.

Reading: The new chicken dance.

This is the first day of the rest of your April.

Pam Anderson stole my bike.


I think we can all agree that these saying are versatile enough to be used in just about any scenario, so please help me in my quest.

Who will get kicked off American Idol tonight?

I don’t know. I didn’t watch it. I don’t really care anymore, but every Wednesday I get about 20 people that come to my blog through a search for the title of this post. So, I guess I have to give my prediction.

It has to be Bucky, right? He’s horrible. Ace is pretty bad too though. It will probably be Ace. Definitely Bucky or Ace. Oh, or maybe Kellie. Her stupid act is annoying. Tonight Bucky, Ace, or Kellie will get kicked off. Unless people are sick of how ugly Elliot is. People were sick of how fat Mandisa is, so it will probably be Elliot this week. Definitely Bucky or Ace or Kellie or Elliot. Then of course, people might play the race card. Only one black person left on the show. Can’t let a black girl win again. Say goodbye Paris. Definitely Bucky or Ace or Kellie or Elliot or Paris. If it were up to me Taylor would go. I heard he made an ass out of himself by trying to kick his microphone stand and he missed. Maybe it’s Taylor. Definitely Bucky or Ace or Kellie or Elliot or Paris or Taylor. So, it definitely won’t be Katharine or Chris. Although people may be sick of how beautiful Katharine is. Yeah, Katharine’s gone. Definitely Bucky or Ace or Kellie or Elliot or Paris or Taylor or Katharine. Not Chris. But, Chris has become a one trick pony, hasn’t he? (I can almost hear Kellie Pickler asking “One trick Pony? What’s a one trick Pony? You have the weirdest terminology.”) Yeah, Chris can’t do anything but rock. He will get voted off. Definitely Bucky or Ace or Kellie or Elliot or Paris or Taylor or Katharine or Chris.

Mark my words. I am never wrong.

All I ask for is Kaysar, Alison and Will

According to tvgasm.com, Big Brother this summer will be an All-Star version. It’s quite possibly the worst show on tv, and I love every second of it’s three days a week airings. Best. Summer. Ever.

Blogger comments don’t seem to be working right now, so I can write whatever I want and you can’t comment. It could be something hilarious, but no one could comment, so I’d feel not funny. So, instead, I’ll call you all a bunch of douchebags. You can’t comment, so you can’t defend yourselves. Are you a douchebag? Yes. Yes, you are. Douche!

Last night while dealing poker I gave myself a paper cut under my fingernail. It hurts like a bitch. But not as bad as my cycling accident.

If my wife didn't hail from Delaware, I'd eradicate it from the Union

And so ends the streak of hot teachers that have sex with thier students. Way to ruin everything Delaware!

I'm going to write about my day, but only for as long as I can hold my breath. Ready, go!

I got beeped last night, but didn’t hear it. I found out when I got in, so I’ve been working on a fix and writing a loop to correct the problems that occurred. I have bowling tonight. I can hold my breath for pretty long huh? Ughh….

Two days late

Saturday was my brother’s birthday. He’s treating himself by flying solo to Jamaica where he’ll try to mack on drunken spring breakers and get high with the locals.

Did I ever tell the story of his birth? If so, I’m telling it again. Well, my mom had two boys already and she was really hoping for a girl because she was tired of my dumb ass. This was before the days of being able to tell if it was a boy or girl through ultrasound and her doctor was well aware of the fact that she wanted a girl. So, she goes into labor, goes to the hospital, gives birth and the doctor says “It’s a girl!” My mom gets jubilant, and the doctor says “April Fools, it's a boy.”

Then he yelled, "IN YOUR FACE!", spiked the baby to the ground like a football and did the moonwalk.