Boring impcomlete thoughts (and misspelled)

I've been trying to make template changes, but blogger keeps erroring, so if link don't work, there are spelling mistakes, or if anything I write isn't entertaining, blame it on blogger.

I'm getting married 8/26. This year. Big mistake, or great decision? Either way, it will all be over in 5 months. (I'm so romantic!)

I've decided that during our first dance I'm going to shove titso aside and do the Napoleon Dynamite dance.

I saw Super Size Me on Friday, are you supposed you crave a Big Mac as much as I do after watching that?

I started watching Spring Break Shark Attack last night and I'm pissed I didn't watch the whole thing. It was riveting.

Some Clarification

OK, so I know there was a little bit of controversy here the other day. I want to set straight what I meant in my original post. The only way I could do that was by illustrating it. So, please read and I hope you understand I meant no harm. (all pics can be clicked on to enlarge)


I just found out Rosie O’Donnell has a blog.



I bet if my blog



and Rosie’s blog got married and had babies


it would produce a blog with a lazy eye or two heads or three arms.



If me, Rosie, and Chris O’Donnell had a three-way baby session,



the baby would star in a movie as an ambiguous, bad blogging sidekick to a much cooler blog.



If me, Rosie, Chris and Steve O’Donnell had a foursome, we’d produce a funny baby.



He’d be funny because he would have two wieners.



If me, Rosie, Chris, Steve and Jennifer Love Hewitt had a ménage-a-cinco, I’d TOTALLY ignore Rosie, Chris and Steve.



And me and Jennifer Love would Get. It. On.



Then Rosie's friend would show up to entertain her. We'll call her, oh I don't know.. Pammy...



And we'd all live happily ever after.

Happy Green Day!

I just had my first ever green beer. It tasted like Miller Lite. I was considering going to the gym after work today but I decided St. Patrick would punish me with liver cirrhosis or however you spell it, so I think I'll just go get really drunk instead.

I need good music

Last year my brother got married and my mom made this really nice slideshow with pictures of him and his wife growing up and put it to music. Since I'm the good son, my mom came to me for the music to put to it. Well, now I'm getting married and my mom doesn't trust my brothers enough to come up with music so she's asking me to do it for myself. Also looking for a song to dance with her to at the wedding.

So, I need some good, semi-romantic, cool music. Here's the music I used for his wedding slideshow:
Loves me like a rock – paul simon
The way you look tonight – sinatra
I would walk 500 miles - A local Irish band's version, not the Benny and Joon or whatever movie it was from's version.
My Song – Moulin Rouge soundtrack
Girlfriend – Matthew Sweet
I’m beginning to see the light – bobby darin (Swingers Soundtrack)
What a wonderful world – Louis Armstrong

I like Bobby Darin a lot and I think Beyond the Sea is going to be our wedding song. I'm really into the Garden State soundtrack, but I think all those songs border on depressing. I need good music people!!

P.S. Sorry for the non-controversial, non-penis, non-ass, non -starburst porn post.

A boy can dream...

I just found out Rosie O’Donnell has a blog. I bet if my blog and Rosie’s blog got married and had babies it would produce a blog with a lazy eye or two heads or three arms.

If me, Rosie, and Chris O’Donnell had a three-way baby session, the baby would star in a movie as an ambiguous, bad blogging sidekick to a much cooler blog.

If me, Rosie, Chris and Steve O’Donnell had a foursome, we’d produce a funny baby. He’d be funny because he would have two wieners.

If me, Rosie, Chris, Steve and Jennifer Love Hewitt had a ménage-a-cinco, I’d TOTALLY ignore Rosie, Chris and Steve.

What did the hand say to the face?

SLAP!

3 days till Charlie Murphy comes to my hometown. I have no idea if this link will work, but the Charlie Murphy True Hollywood stories are the funniest thing on television. I can't wait!

Funnier than me

I generally don't like to divert any attention away from myself, but I was just out of my chair laughing at Blog Ho. I literally had to get up and walk away because I was uncontrolable. I'm so jealous.

Kick off your sunday shoes

A while back I contemplated which movie character I would like to be if I had a choice. While Marty McFly made a strong case for himself, Jessica Simpson’s boobs won out. Today I contemplate which singer I would like to be.

Contender number one: Kenny Loggins. What do the hit movies Caddyshack, Top Gun, Footloose, and Caddyshack II* all have in common? All their theme songs were sung by none other than K. Logg. At the height of his career he was the biggest soundtrack artist in the world, and could rock the beard like none other. Chicks dig soundtrack artists**, and chicks dig beards***. He surely pulled tons of tail.

Contender number two: Prince. 22 positions in a one night stand. Need I say more? I’ve tried it. It made me sleepy. It made him sound cool as hell.

Contender number three: David Hasselhoff. Stone. Cold. God.

And the winner is: I think you saw this coming. Jessica Simpson’s boobs. Can't beat them, may as well be them.

In keeping with tradition, which singer would you be and why?


*not a hit movie
** not really
*** not that I know of

Did I say hanky panky yesterday?

I apologize.

My posts are getting shorter and shorter.

I apologize.

Riverdog Poker is gaining popularity. But I forgot the camera again.

I apologize.

I just farted.

I apologize.

Did the Irish invent time?

If not, what's up with "o'clock"?

Could you imagine the Starburst hanky panky that would take place if I had some of these?

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

a match made in heaven

Although I'm sad I've lost all my recent comments, I think haloscan and I will get along. I would appreciate it if everyone that has commented in the past 13 days could go back and recomment exactly what you said the first time. Thanks

Tim

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Dear Tim,
If you don't write something funny or interesting soon I'll dump your ass.

-Blogger

PS. You're my bitch

Dear Blogger,
Are you going to fuck with me again today? I'll dump your ass. I swear to God I will.

Tim

PS. I love you.

Worst day ever for blogger?

I think so.

First the twin towers, now this

According to published reports Russell Crowe was a target of an al-Qaida kidnapping plot. My previously unpublished side job is a spy and I'm going to reveal other plans al-Qaida hatched:

• Pamela Anderson's breast implants were going to be popped.
• That guy from Who's the Boss was going to be given a talk show (oops!)
• That show with the blind detective was going to be canceled
• Look Who's Talking Now Too was in development
• John Travolta's career was going to be sabatoged to go in the dumps then be revived with another "come back" movie
• Ashton Kucher was going to Punk Tony Blair

Need Help? I'm here for you

In 1997 I was arrested for DUI. I was at a friends party and foolishly decided I needed to go see my girlfriend and was pulled over for speeding. My blood alchohol level was .23. Yeah, I was wasted. Anyway, it’s 8 years later now and I just realized I never completed my community service. I was 5 minutes short. So I’m going to perform it here.

My community service will be to offer advice… I’ll be your Dear Abby of sort. Have you recently broken up with a boyfriend and need advice on how to cope? Ask me. Are you having trouble getting that pesky wine stain out of your underwear? Let me know, I can help. Lost a finger and can’t find it? I’ll locate it for you. Let me know what you need… I need to do 5 full minutes of work to get my license back. Thanks!

Morning Glorious

This morning I learned you can get really high by eating between 100 and 500 seeds of the flower Morning Glory. I wonder how the hell someone figured that out. Trial and error I can only assume. So, I went out to Home Depot and bought a bag of grass seed and downed about 700 of them. I'll let you know what happens later.

Weather report

Yesterday - 66°F

Today -Snow Showers 17° F


WTF?!?

can't wait!!

Two months from today I'll be flying home from Ireland where I'll be playing lots of golf , drinking lots of pints, doing no work, or thinking about other shite.

come on Tim, think of something to write dammit. Think of something. think. think. think. of something. dammit. something. of. think. something!!!! nothing.

Metrosexual vs. Heterosexual

I just had fun shopping... metro - 1, hetero - 0

at Home Depot... metro - 1, hetero - 1

for flowers and vegetables... metro - 2, hetero - 1

which I will be grilling during the summer... metro - 2, hetero - 2

then I got a hummer on the way home.* metro - 2, hetero - 3



*bold faced lie

Problem? Or maybe I just rule!

I just looked at a calander and realized in the 28 days of February I had 4 or more drinks 20 of those days. 16 of which were back to back to back to back...

That's hot

What kind of girls are dancing at this strip club that makes a guy want to do this?!?!?

Current Wedding Plans

• The reception will be held in my backyard. All 0.25 acres of it.
• BYOB
• Choice of Beef or Chicken - (McDonald's hamburger happy meal, or chicken nugget happy meal. NO cheeseburgers. NO milkshakes) Limited to the 1st 15 guests. Other guests BYOF.
• Anyone that wants to dance will have to bring their own ipod or other personal listening device.
• Flowers will be paper cut outs and will be provided by the kindergarten down the street.
• If you want to sit down at all, bring your own chair.
• We will be making our own cake. Actually, cupcakes. With no icing. Icing is too expensive.
• If you are invited, your invitation will be arriving in the mail shortly. Check your inbox. We can't afford stamps.
• You can back your truck into our driveway. That makes it easier for us to unload all the cash you'll be giving us.

5 Questions

I got this from Branshine. I don't do these blog questionaires too often, but I thought this one was cool. My questions won't be as good as her's, but I'll try.


Now, here are the rules for this Blog-a-thon. I'll offer to interview the next three (or so) people to respond to this post that will follow these rules:
1. Leave me (Tim) a comment saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions here. They will be different questions than the ones below.
3. You will update your blog/site with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

My Interview:

1.What was the last lie that you told and why did you tell it?
Four days before I asked titso to marry me we got into an argument about wanting to get married. We never fight, especially about that. She was getting upset and I lied and told her I wasn’t ready and she would have to wait until I was. I ordered the ring 3 days before that fight.
2. If you had to choose between a never being able to laugh again or never crying again which would you choose and why?
I’d never cry again. I’d have no fun on this blog, and I’d hate life if I couldn’t laugh. Plus, I never cry anyway… except to things like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
3. If you were in love with a person that contracted a deadly disease (not one you could catch though) would you want that person to tell you they were dying?
Yes, I’d want to know. I take life, and people, for granted. Knowing something like that would crush me, but it would make me enjoy my time with them, and would probably rollover to others too.
4. If we are destined to turn into our parents, which parent would you be and why.
Tough one. Both my parents are awesome. I guess I’d go with my mom. There are one or two things my dad has done in life that I wouldn’t want to do.
5. If you could change the outcome of any event in your life to date, what would you change and why?
In the beginning of my freshman year in college I was interested in two different girls (just hanging out with them). About a month into classes I hooked up with one of them on a Thursday night. The Friday night after we first hooked up the other girl dragged me home from a party and wanted to hook up. I told her I was interested in the other girl and that we had just hooked up the night before and I didn’t want to hurt anyone, so I left and went back to the party to meet up with the 1st girl. We ended up dating for 3 and a half years. If I could go back, I’d have waited and hooked up with the other girl first. I didn’t know until the spring she had such awesome hoo-ha’s.

Hello

I'm Johnny Depp. I do everything in my power to look ugly, but chicks still love me.

If I had a Million Dollars

I would buy myself two more heads. That way I'd have more brain power and would be able to post twice as many blogs.

Now, I know all you math experts are asking, "If Tim bought two more heads, he'd have three heads, so he could blog three times as much, right?" Wrong. I know that at all times one of the heads would be thinking about boobs or butts.

I was half-watching the oscars last night when Sean Penn came on and I thought to myself, "Was he even acting when he played the retarded guy in I Am Sam?"

Knock Knock

Who's there?
Satellite radio.
Satellite radio who?
I don't have a real joke here.

The only modern rock station in Philadelphia was pulled off the air to be replaced by a gospel station this morning. WHAT? THE? FUCK?

I'm going to have to get all my new music from MTV now. Oh no, wait, they only have reality tv and hip hop. In the words of the Boogie Down Productions, "Now tell me what the fuck am I supposed to do?"

I won! I got Third! :(

So, I won the inital plane survivor scenario today. I got the majority of 6 out of 12 votes for our plane. I moved onto the finals where me and six others got on the microphone and told our stories to the 90+ people in our total group. I'm not a public speaker, so that wasn't cool, but I ended up with 10 votes for a third place finish. I think I deserved 2nd. Here are the stories the top 7 came up with:

7th place lady completely stole the scene from 24 saying she had the code to avoid a nuclear meltdown. Her piracy was easily sniffed out.
6th place guy said he had 200 fish, 13 dogs, 12 cats, 4 chincillas, 8 chimpanzees, etc that would all die if he did.
5th place guy had a bad story about being a navy seal and a paratrooper and he could link all the plane seats together with the people in them and they'd all survive.
4th place guy had an elaborate story about how he was willing to take the bullet and take the parachute because he's a big chicken and it just so happened that when he bailed out of everything in his life there was never a problem, so by bailing out, everyone would end up safe.
3rd place was me*
2nd place was a fairly lame time machine inventor story
1st place was a kiss ass (and very funny) top 10 list incorporating people and functions within the company that would suffer from her demise. Everyone loves top 10 lists.

*my story:
"As some of you may have heard I just got engaged last week. So, if any of you have love in your hearts, you'll vote for me. For those of you that are heartless, I just want you to know that titso can't work the lawnmower. So, whichever of you that survive this crash, you're going to have to go to our house and mow my lawn once a week. Also, you're going to have to take out the trash, do the dishes, and as you can see, it's snowing outside right now so I expect the survivor to be at my house at around 5pm to shovel my driveway. So, in closing, if you have no love in your heart or you want to take over my chores, vote for someone else. Otherwise, Vote for Tim! Thank you."

Where have all the cowboys gone?

Libprincess/Ironpanties is taking a leave of absence. Jen bid adeu. I'm still not convinced Ironpants is back. Steimes hasn't posted in a while. Trish just went away for a few weeks. Michel is MIA.

Come on people! What do we all suddenly have lives outside of blogger.com?!?!? Take me with you! Please!!!

guilt trip

My current plea for the parachute. I'm going to have to tell whoever doesn't pick me that they have to go over my house and mow my lawn once a week because titso doesn't know how to use the mower. Plus do the dishes after dinner every night. Plus satisfy her in every way I do. Oh wait, that's not a good plan.

huh?

I just sent and email to someone who's first name was Kshitija. I dare you to try to pronounce that. I see a curse word or two in there.

Fun at Work?!??!

Today we got an email in which we are actually being encouraged to use our creativity! And with a chance to win $50. It's like Christmas! Well, it's nothing like Christmas, but I don't hate work right now. Here's the deal:

We are being split up into 7 teams of 13 people each. We are being put on a imaginary planes which are running out of gas in the middle of the atlantic ocean. There's 1 parachute with a raft and life preserver in each plane. 1 person from each plane will be saved. We have 1 minute to explain why we should be the one to get the parachute. The winner from each plane gets $25, the grand winner gets $50.

I know most of the people in this competition. I know they are boring and will probably use the sympathy family angle. I need to come up with a good angle. We're encouraged to tell the truth, or to lie. I chose to lie. Can anyone give me a good lie? Here's my inital thoughts:

1. I've never revealed it to anyone at work, but I am the choosen one. I was placed on this earth to save the world from a massive ladybug attack that will be taking place in a month. So, either I die today, or the world dies in a month.
2. Dammit, I can't think of anything else.

Question of the Day*

If there was a machine that taped your dreams which you could then watch on a VCR, but you could only watch the dreams when you are in front of your friends and family, would you buy it?

I wouldn't. Most of my dreams are about porn. My mom hates porn.


*question stolen from the book Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs.

Tonight's Poker Winner is

Titso. Yup, My fiance won it all. $50 cold hard cash.

bitch.

I might have malaria

After finding out the mosquitos in Dominican Republic have malaria, we were freaking out at every one we saw. I just looked up the symptoms, and they are as follows: At the onset of malaria, bouts of chills and fever lasting several hours and occurring every three or four days are the usual symptoms.

Great, sounds like I have it.

The only way I don't have it might be that the chills might be related to the hour of shoveling I did before work this morning and the self induced "fever" of working the 1st day back from vacation. If I drop dead, it was nice knowing you. Well, some of you. A few of you are pricks and I wouldn't invite you to my funeral if you paid me.

Punta Cana

The
Good

The
Bad

The
Ugly

My cat missed the hell out of me.

She said Yes!

Then she said "oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God..."

So, sorry ladies, but I'm offically off the market.

Market de la Tim is closed.

soooooooo

Earlier in the week I mentioned I was thinking about something else. While it turned out to not be the most extravagant thing in the world, what I came up with was “I love…”

I think I’ve written some creative stuff on this blog in the past few months, but romance has never been a strong point of mine (surprise, surprise). So I wanted to come up with something nice for Kym. Yes, titso’s real name is Kym. Yes, our names rhyme. Yes, that’s very gay. Anyway, what I came up with was “I love…”

Last night after Kym left work I went out bought a dozen roses. I left one rose on her desk with a little note that said “I love…” then I said some things I love about her that I won’t bore you with. I talked to another friend at work and left the other 11 roses on her desk for the time being. So, this morning Kym got it and thought it was cute and was happy, but thought nothing more of it. At 10:30 I had a friend deliver her 2 more roses with another note with the “I love…” theme. At 11:15 I had him deliver 3 more of the roses with another “I love…” card.

About 30 seconds after I post this blog I am going to take the remaining 6 roses and deliver them myself. This time the note will say “I love… how I’m the luckiest person in the world. I love how I want to spend the rest of my life with you…” At which time my epileptic seizure level nerves will take over and I will drop to one knee, and well, you know the rest….

Hell, it can’t all be starburst porn and talking about my own ass, can it?

new commenting page

I like it. I give just about my first thumbs up to blogger.com!

48 hours till sunshine, or scattered showers. Whatever. 48 hours till I'll be lying on a beach, or in a pool, or sitting at a pool bar sipping a cerveza or a margarita relaxing the shit out of myself.

Bite this

Every time I see that starburst commercial I want to punch my TV. Fuckin copycatting bitches.

And the Winner is... Me

Last night I won the texas hold em tournament we ran. Yeah, I ran it and I played in it and I won it. I promise I didn't cheat. Only when I dealt did I pull the aces out of my sleeves. Also, my friends and I had a pre super bowl game in which I won. So, basically, I rule.

It's been 3 years since you looked at me

Today is the 3 year aniversary of the day titso and I met at a chinese resturaunt. We had been working on a project for about a month before that but in different buildings 40 minutes apart. Our bosses were friends and they decided to get all of our groups together for a lunch. At the time, I didn't know it but they were trying to set us up. Her boss had been telling her she would think I was cute, my boss never said a word. I had no idea she was my age and she thought I sounded like a 60 year old man on the phone.

So we all met for lunch and convientently the only open seat when she sat down was next to me. We never talked. I said "You're titso?" "she said "yeah", I said "hi, I'm Tim" she said "yeah". For most people if I introduce myself, then thats more conversation than you'll ever get from me. I later found out her quietness was due to the fact that her boss was right about me. (But she'll never admit it) She hasn't been quiet since.

That was a Friday and the following Monday she emailed me about the project with a little opening of personal conversation. That escalated and 2 weeks later she was broken up with her boyfriend, and the rest goes down in infamy, er history.

Boring to the 3rd power

Well peoples, it’s going to be one of those weeks. One of those pre-vacation weeks where I don’t feel like doing anything. I’m either too busy working or too busy thinking about vacation or too busy thinking about another thing that I will probably not share with you all until at least Friday. This week is gonna suck. So just a warning: If you want to read crap, keep coming back here all week. I suck.

In the meantime, you can entertain me by voting on what you think the other thing I’m thinking about is.

1. I'm thinking that I’m more limber than the average man and I’d be perfect as one of those clowns that can fit into a tiny car in the circus
2. I’m thinking really a female trapped in a mans body and I’m going to come out with it.
3. I’m going to quit my job and go into porn. Starburst porn.
4. I’ve been trying to decide if I’m fabulous, or extraordinary, and I can’t come to a conclusion.
5. I’m bored and I need something to do.
6. all of the above
7. none of the above. Please provide your guess.

Generally throughout a day I'll have enough time to daydream and think of something stupid to write on my blog. No such luck today. So not only did I go against everything I stand for and come in to work the day after the eagles lost in the super bowl, but I actually was too busy to write anything until 5pm. And on top of all that, I'm not writing anything funny or interesting. SO... I've decided to just curse again.

FFFFUUUUCK!

FFFFUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!

oh well. in 120 hours I'll be lying on a beach.

but still,

FFFFUUUUUCCKKK!!!!!!!!

GO EAGLES!!!!!!!!!!



96 hours of drinking begins in

5..
4..
3..
2..
1........

as requested...

uh huh..

My blog has been titled "Chloraphil?? More like Bore-a-phil!" for about 4 months now. And yes, "Chlorophyll" is spelled wrong. You got something to say about that??

What Not to Wear

I really liked liked this idea I saw posted by Chick who stole it from Average Joe . They posted pictures of everything they were wearing for the day. Joe even posted a full picture of himself which was pretty sweet. I'm just going to post pictures of everything I put on this morning before leaving the house so you can get a good visual of what I have on right now.





And that's all. Yep, I left the house wearing only my girlfriend's thong. I felt kinda weird at first, but I think people like it since everyone's checking me out.

Best Day of Work Ever

At 11:30am we will have our first Wing Bowl in our cafeteria. The Wing Bowl is a 12 year old event in Philly. Since the city got sick of not making it to the super bowl, the wing bowl was started. In the real wing bowl contestants eat somewhere between 150 and 200 wings in about 15 minutes. Our version is only a 6 wing speed race, but here's to hoping they also have the beer bongs and keg stands the real wing bowl has...

Long-haired freaky people need not apply

North Korea wages war on long hair
Apparently this is not new news, but it’s new to me. You aren’t allowed to have long hair in North Korea anymore. Hidden videos will capture your long hairedness and put your name and address on TV and you will be mocked. Apparently long hair cuts off the oxygen to your brain and makes you stupid… but only if you are a man. I guess for women either this oxygen rule does not apply, or North Korea doesn't care if women are stupid. Oh, by the way, long hair on men is ok if you are balding and you have a comb-over.

I know a lot of people will say that this is everything that’s wrong with communism, but I like it. I think the US should adopt this policy. In fact, I like this so much I’ve come up with a few more things the US should do to keep people smart.

1. No one should wear the color brown. Brown is obviously the color of stupidity. Except in shoes and belts.
2. The letter Q should be dropped from the alphabet. I’ve said it before; I’ll say it again. Q is too dependent. If it can’t stand on it’s own, it doesn’t deserve to be honored the same as other more superior letters like I and A. Q makes people dumb.
3. All baseball hats, skullcaps, and bandanas should be burned. They constrict the head, and prevent the brain from growing. Cowboy hats are still ok as long as they are official 10-gallon hats.
4. People with Boston, New York, or Southern accents should be forced to take classes to get rid of their accents. Everyone should speak proper English, like a Philadelphian. Yo!
5. Jewelry should be banned. It makes both men and women crazy and stupid.
6. Men should not be allowed to wear tight fitting clothes. It restricts blood flow and makes them stupid. Especially that guy at the gym who wears the XX small white Under Armor. Yes, we can see your nipple rings through your shirt that is so small its melting into your skin. No, you do not look cool. Yes, your tight clothes have made you stupid.
7. Women should not be allowed to wear loose fitting clothes. Just because.
8. All boys should be named Tim. Parents have complete control over the boy's middle name. As long as it rhymes with Shristopher.

Interesting new blocked site...

Access to this web page is restricted at this time.
Reason:
The Websense category "Tasteless" is filtered.

URL:
http://ironpants.blogspot.com/

yet, ironpanties isn't blocked.... hmmm...

Man vs. Cat

As promised, last night I held a peeing contest with my cat. If we were judged solely on quantity, I took the cake. Last night was Riverdog Poker’s first night at a new bar. It was pretty successful considering there was only 3 days of advertisements in the bar. Anyway, I had about 5 or 6 beers while the poker was being played. My drinking lead to my unintentional win in the quantity department.

Tim 1, Fawn the cat 0

The next category was aim. We were peeing in the closet, so the aim catgory was based on how concentrated we could make our pee to build a puddle. As I may have said here before, I can’t hit a toilet bowl, so my aim is not very good. Needless to say, the score was tied.

Tim 1, Fawn 1

The third and final category was smell. If I would have remembered about the contest earlier in the night, I definitely would have just had an asparagus bunch for dinner, but I forgot. And, I was drinking, so my pee was pretty watered down. Fawn wins the smell category and the contest. Stupid cat.

Tim 1, Fawn 2

All work and no blog make Tim something something.

something something =

1. a dull boy
2. go crazy
3. kinda happy to feel not worthless
4. upset I haven't had time to read anyone's blogs
5. horny

Finally!

Someone finally reached my blog by googling starburst porn.

I hope it wasn't someone that's been here before. I hope it was just some sick, sick individual. (because people that search for starburst porn are sick, but people that make starburst porn are normal... mmmm kay.)

In other news, titso came back from Cali last night. She couldn't find her car in the parking lot. It was 0 degrees out and she was walking in circles for 20 minutes. I drove the half hour to the airport, picked her up and drove her around the lot until we found her car. And doing that actually didn't bother me at all. I'm not sure if that makes me a) whipped b) in love or c) just plain stupid.

True Romance

With Valentine's Day coming up, I'm working on a poem for my girlfriend. If you've ever seen 10 Thing I Hate About You, this is the style I've chosen to write the poem in (except changing the "hate" to "love"). It may need some fine tuning, but I think it's pretty good so far.

I love it when you look at me that way,
I love it that you don’t think I’m gay.
I love it that you don’t care if I’m a loner,
I love it how when I look at you I get a boner.
I love it when you go fishing and catch me bass,
Don’t you just love to look at my ass?
I love it when you cook me a delicious dinner,
I love it that you’re not a loser, you’re a winner.
I love it when you shovel the snow instead of me,
I love it that this poem is over, cause I gotta go pee.

You are so Beautiful to Me

There’s 5 things in my life that mean anything to me right now.
Titso.
RiverDog Poker.
The Eagles.
My upcoming vacation to Punta Cana.
And Lucky Charms.

Click here to see my pictures from the Eagles game.

Click here to see my Lucky Charms

Old Skool

Kidnappers demand $3 million for MLB player's mom

People still kidnap for money?? That’s so 1980’s. I’ll never understand the laziness behind that.

Kidnapper 1:”Dude, we ran out of milk again. It’s your turn to buy it.”
Kidnapper 2:”Dude, I bought the salami last week.”
K1: “Dude, that salami sucked. You bought the cheap stuff.”
K2: “Dude, I can’t afford the good stuff.”
K1: “Maybe you should get a better job, or look for coupons, or sign up for the Acme card to get discounts.”
K2: “Nah, maybe I’ll just steal someone’s mom and demand money for her return.”
K1: “Good idea.”
K2: “I was thinking about a baseball players mom. That way I could demand like a billion dollars and I'd be able to afford the good shit.”
K1: “Dude, you’re such an idiot, they’ll pay no more than $3 mil.”
K2: ”True dat.”

*Apparently kidnappers use the word "dude" alot.

Dear Readers,
I was just perusing through my most recent 111 posts and I started to think I was giving off the impression that I’m weird. I just want to assure everyone I’m perfectly normal. I swear.
Thanks, Tim

I got to thinking...

When your belly gets smaller, you've lost weight. When your ass shrinks, you've lost weight. When your legs, arms, hips, thighs, face, or anything gets smaller, you've lost weight. So, I was out in the snow yesterday and my nuts shrunk. Did I lose weight?

Freedom

My girlfriend has been in California for just over 24 hours. I’m pleased to report the house has not collapsed yet. I’ve been on the roof twice trying to prevent it, and I’ve managed to keep it mostly intact. On the down side I accidentally burnt two of the bedrooms down and broke all the cat’s legs. Last night I left the keys in the front door and thieves broke in and stole all our tv’s while I was passed out drunk. I can’t figure out how to turn the heat on, so all the pipes burst. I backed up the toilet so I’ve started pissing in the closets. Since she’s not around I see no need for deodorant, showers or a tooth brush.

Yes, my friends, this is shaping up to be a good week!

Heartbroken!

A few months ago I posted a series of pictures explaining how I fell in love with my girlfriend. If you haven't seen them, check them out here. I finished that post off by saying "They lived happily ever after." How wrong I was. A few months after I took those pictures she started acting weird. I was getting suspicious, but only after finding odd semi-liquids in the hot tub did I decide to hire a Private Investigator. Only because she broke my heart in two am I posting these pictures. Revenge!

When I met with the PI I knew after looking at the first picture things were not going to end up good. I couldn't see much, but I didn't have to.


Yep, thats our next door neighboor with her behind the bushes. Mr. Mellow.


I don't even know whats going on in this picture. I guess her desire for kinky things like this is what made her stray.


But, she couldn't have possibly enjoyed this. The Marsh Mellow's don't even have tounges.


This was always her favorite position.


The PI told me this went on for about 2 and a half hours.


Then they moved it towards the hot tub.


Then into the hot tub for more.


And they left that nasty semi-liquid behind... Marsh Mellow fluff!


But karma has a way of working things out. A few weeks after I broke up with her, she was pregnant. Mellow wasn't too happy!


And boy I wish I could have been there in the delivery room when she gave birth. Aparently Mr. Mellow wasn't the only one she was fooling around with...


Mr. Skittles is going to have a lot of explaining to do to Mrs. Skittles!

I am not a geek

I just got out of a team meeting in which we were talking about future system changes. There were discussions, alternatives, and laughing about possible alternatives. Did you ever see that episode of the Simpsons where Bart cheats on a test and gets put in the advanced class? The teacher has them do an algebra equation who’s answer is RDRRR. (the sound of a laugh). I’m so Bart Simpson. As other geeks laugh about the results of some alternatives I wonder why I’m in there with them having no clue what they’re talking about. Oh well, several minute till happy hour…

PS, blogger.com BLOWS for me today

Animal Story II of the day

I was over at the Ass Chronicles today and for some reason Cate’s post reminded me of a true story I thought I’d share.

Two summers ago I was leaving a softball game when I witnessed the most fucked up act of nature I’ve ever experienced first hand. The softball field we play at has a little lake with a stream that flows into it. There’s always ducks and annoying Canadian geese in it (fuckin Canadians!) Anyway, on this particular night as we were walking over the bridge over the stream a duck flew and landed in the water and it was being chased by about 4 other ducks. I thought nothing of it. I just thought they were playing Duck, Duck, Goose. (I am pained by that bad joke.) But things turned nasty pretty quickly. The 4 ducks chasing were suddenly raping the other. Three of the ducks would hold the one’s wings down while the fourth took her from behind (or him, depending on if it was a homosexual rape or a heterosexual rape.) About 4 or 5 of us kinda stood there in awe, not knowing what to do. The ducks were taking turns banging this other duck. It would struggle free and then they’d get a hold of her and switch up. It went on for a good 3 or 4 minutes before the raped duck got free enough to fly away. That incident goes down with 9/11 and the space shuttle disasters as things that will be burned into my memory forever.

No title today

So, I just made a bowel movement at work. Whenever I need to make a BM I’ll only go to one bathroom and I’ll only use one particular stall. We have a men’s room that used to be a locker room. All the lockers are still there, but they took out the shower and put a toilet in there. There is still a wall separating it from the rest of the bathroom and there is still a drain on the floor, but there’s a toilet in there now. It gives me that extra privacy I desire.

Anyway, while I was sitting there, there was an ant crawling around on the floor by the drain. It was one of those miniscule ants. The ant entranced me. Charlie (the ant) must have walked the ant equivalent of a marathon while I was in there. He just kept doing circle after circle. He must have walked 30 feet while I was in there. Doesn’t sound like much, but I challenge you to shrink down 1 millionth of your current size and walk that far. I tried to put him out his misery a few times, but ants are pretty incredible when it comes to escaping the sole of your boots. Nonetheless, it reiterated my belief that if I were to be any animal, I would be a monkey.

12 inches

Right now there's 12 inches of snow on the ground. It's either 12 or 1/2. I can't tell from where I'm sitting.

Salesman Extraordinaire

Willy Loman’s got nothing on me! (that’s a good thing, right?)

Last night RiverDog Poker obtained it’s third customer. I’d attribute that to my masterful personal skills and my uncanny sales abilities. After 3 weeks of having no balls, I finally forced myself to go into the bar I’ve been targeting. My skills at work:

Me: Uh, hi, er, is there a, uh, manager here or something?
Bartender: No, why you looking for a job?
Me: Heh, no, not quite, well, kinda. Um, well… uh, I have a business idea I well, uhhh, I run free poker tournaments and I was kinda wantin to know if you’d be interested.
Bartender: YES! OH MY GOD, YES! The owner and me were just talking about this the other day. Now that Monday Night Football is over, we’ve been looking for something to do on Mondays and Texas Hold Em is what we wanted to do! It’s Texas Hold Em, right?
Me: Yeah.
Bartender: YES! Becky, get Pat on the phone now! We’re going to call the owner now.
Me: Uh, cool.
A minute later…
Bartender: Don’t go anywhere, we’re trying to get a hold of him.
Me. Ok.
A minute later…
Bartender: OK, he wants you to call him right now. Here’s his number.

I go out to my car and call him.

Owner: Hello?
Me: Hi, this is Tim, the bartender just asked me to call you.
Owner: Yeah, can you do Monday’s?
Me: Yeah, we’re free Mondays.
Owner: OK, we’ll start this Monday if that’s ok with you.
Me: Awesome.
Owner: OK, you do your part in getting the word out, and we’ll add the events to our weekly ad in the paper and we have kids that hand stuff out and we’ll put it on there.
Me: Awesome. (thinking: “he has kids that hand stuff out??”” WTF does that mean??)

So, only then does he ask how much we charge and how it works. I coulda told him anything, but I’m an honest businessman. $1 million per night.

Editor's note: I just realized this bar has a website and everything! I'm gonna be big time baby!

Confirmation Hearing is destroying Condeleezza!

CNN.COM's new headline:

Boxer spars with Rice

So after throwing her on a grill, they're bringing in a boxer to kick her ass. Tough day for Leezza.


(so, how ya gonna make that sexual Cate?)

(Nevermind, it can be done.)

cnn.com's Top story

Rice grilled at Confirmation Hearing

Can you believe that?? They freakin ate Condeleezza Rice!?!? I thought we had a good tailgate barbecue at the Eagles game last week, but the tailgate at the Confirmation Hearing takes the cake!

Hablas Espanol?

Exactly 4 weeks from today I’ll be sitting on a beach in Punta Cana. Exactly 4 weeks from today will be Valentines Day. Exactly 4 weeks from today I’ll still be thinking about what to get my girlfriend for Valentines Day. Anyway, from what I’ve heard, no one speaks English where we’re going so we have been advised to learn some Spanish. Thanks to the good folks at Corona, I know that cerveza means beer. While most of my needs are covered by this, I figure in order to not look like an American asshole, I should speak some more. Unfortunately, I haven’t spoken Spanish since my junior year of high school. The only thing I remember from Spanish class is the first sentence I ever spoke in Spanish, “Tengo una cita con Anita.” But unless I meet a girl named Anita and we go out on a date, that’s not going to do me much good. So, I’m asking for help. I need to learn some key phrases/questions in espanol. Can anyone tell me how to say the following in Spanish? (Or even French or some other language just so I can look like I'm trying.)

What is the monkey in my bathroom’s name?
Where can I score some illegal magazines?
How does my ass look in these pants?
Was that David Lee Roth I just saw?
Where do I register for the cock fighting?
Are you a man or a woman?

Mi gusta your help. Merci.

come on!

Can't a guy play some online poker while wearing his guiness slippers without constant headbutts??

Go Birds!

Well, after a bad start to my week things have turned around. All the links fixed and new ones added. Plus I have new friends and there were lots of comments (and we all know comments make the world go round)Thanks for a good week everyone! And now on Sunday you all have to cheer for the Eagles or I'll be in a bad mood and no one will like me next week. Later!

Coincidence?

Prince Harry may Visit Auschwitz

and in a seemingly related story:

Prince Tim may visit Boise

Mr. O’D, 'incandescent with rage,' orders son to visit farm

A montage of Philly local newspapers on Friday display reaction to Tim wearing a derogatory Idaho T-shirt to a private party.

MSNBC News Services
Updated: 10:01 a.m. ET Jan. 14, 2005

PHILLY –Prince Tim, who provoked outrage by wearing an “Idaho? No Udaho?” t-shirt to a private party, is considering invitations from farming groups to visit the Idaho potato fields, a royal official said Friday. The invitations “will be given due consideration, but there are no plans at the moment,” said a spokeswoman at the office of Tim’s father, Prince Mr. O’D.

The official statement followed a Daily News newspaper report saying heir-to-the-throne Mr. O’D was “incandescent with rage” with the 29-year-old grandson of Queen Mom-mom O’Donnell and ordered him to make a private trip to the potato fields to learn more about the hicks.

The spokeswoman stressed that Tim would not attend ceremonies on Jan. 27 commemorating the liberation of the Irish Potato Famine, although the Mr. Potato Head Foundation had urged him to do so.

Tim swiftly apologized for “a poor choice of style” after royal officials learned that The Daily News newspaper was about to print a picture of the prince in a thong on its front page Thursday.

This coffee tastes like sh**

This morning in the Philadelphia Daily News there was an insert all about coffee. It said the world's most expensive coffee goes for $300/pound. And these coffee beans come from cat shit. I smelled something rotten (did I really just write that?), so I looked on the good old internet. Turns out its true .

Fin

ok, I'm done the new sidebar linking. If you don't like your link, let me know and I'll change it. (I'll take you off for bitching)

Isn't California kinda like North Dakota?

Titso was notified yesterday she has to go to LA for the week of Jan 24th for work. (Actually Van Nuys, but isn't everything in CA within walking distance anyway?) She's allowed to stay for the weekend to sight see if she wants and she is going to. Several of the people going out have decided to stay the weekend. She wants me to fly out on Thursday for the weekend. I've been to LA before and wasn't all that impressed. Granted, my main goal while there was to go to every bar from the movie Swingers, but I wasn't impressed nonetheless. I can get a flight for around $200, which is pretty cheap. I'd go, but being that I didn't really like LA the first time, and we already have a trip to Punta Cana booked for February, do I really want to go? What's in LA besides famous people? She wants to go shopping on Rodeo Drive, which gives me 10 times the motivation to stay home.

work in progress

sidebar pics are coming along, its a pain in the ass trying to get them sized right, plus i still haven't looked at them on anything excpet my default browser, so i gotta do some more work on em...

Diversify yo bonds nigga

I love when people post how others found their blogs through web searches. Mine aren't ever all that interesting, but I can say they are diverse. They go from sweet to sour pretty quickly:

Nicknames for loved ones
Jessica Simpson breast size
no tooth left cock

the one I'm most proud of is jessica simpson breast size because that person must have gone through 80 billion sites before reaching mine. I love a go get 'em attitude.

Eligible?

Today I was sitting in the waiting room of my doctor's office and picked up an issue of the Main Line Magazine. The Main Line is an area of Philadelphia that a lot of rich people live in, such as Allen Iverson. This issue's topic was the Main Line's most Eligible Singles. For a second I thought I'd open it up to find and article about me, but then I remembered I don't live on the main line, and I'm not single. So, excited to check out so rich/hot/young singles I immediately flipped to the article. Much to my surprise there were 25 fat/bald/old/average looking rich people. So I said to myself, "self, try to remember to look up eligible when you get home." Here's what the definition is:

adj 1: qualified for or allowed or worthy of being chosen; "eligible to run for office"; "eligible for retirement benefits"; "an eligible bachelor" [ant: ineligible] 2: prohibited by official rules; "an eligible pass receiver"

Before opening the article I thought I was going to get singles fitting definition number 1, but apparenlty these were just 25 people prohibited by offical rules to be pass receivers.

Sidebar preferences?

So, I've already gone through the 5 stages of depression and I'm working on rewriting all my sidebar additions. I'm going to put up picture links to almost everyone like I had before. Some I'm going to steal from your blog, others I lost and will have to come up with something new, others I'll be too uncreative to come up with anything. If you have any preferences as to what you want me to have as the picture to your link, let me know, I'll bow down to your every command. If you want a picture of newly single Brad Pitt that links to you, thats cool, just give me the weblink. Do you have an unhealthy obsession with sweater vests and want everyone to see that here? not a problem. Did I not previously link to you but I should have? Whatever, give me your url and let me know where to find the pic. Did you just "next blog" your way here and want to be linked on the greatest (not even close) blog of all time? Right now I'm recovering from taking it in the ass and thats ok, I'll be ok, I'll do whatever you say master.

I think I'm gonna cry

My browser just errored out mid-template publish and I lost all my customizations. Blogger.com just raped me.

soooo.....

I was alotted 2 weeks to code a project, I just finished it in a day and a half. If the poll doesn't show up here I'll put it on my sidebar, I'd appreciate your input. Thanks!

could I possibly

be so busy I don't have time to think of something to write for the second day in a row? I sure hope not or we're going to have to reconsider this whole working for a living thing.

UGGH!

I can't stand when people come to my desk for an uncomfortable conversation. I don't really wanna talk, that's why there were 14 uncomfortable silences in our 3 minute conversation. Please go back to your own tortorous cube.

more pretty bad pictures

at RiverDog Poker
I'm kinda in a few of these. First person to guess which is me receives eternal sunshine.

Fear Factor lawsuit

Some guy is suing Fear Factor . He says they took it too far when they ate rats. When asked why he didn't change the channel, he said he couldn't change it fast enough. Um, they promoted that segment for a week straight. Sounds to me like he definitely lost his remote. I wish I would have thought to sue people when I'm too lazy to get off the couch.

Closer

I know I’m going against the majority with this, but usually when a movie preview staring Julia Roberts and Jude Law appears on screen I blackout. It’s the visual equivalent to me drinking a case of beer in an hour. I don’t even see what the movie is about. I just have no interest in those two. I don’t particularly hate them, but I just don’t care about them. But then when Natalie Portman appears on screen I come out of my stupor. Then when they show Natalie Portman as a stripper I go black again, for just the opposite reason. You gotta love someone willing to take it all of for art. (and all you girls out there would feel the same way if it were Jude Law baring it all, you know it! admit it!)

And although I heard the nude scene was cut from the movie I think there is still g-stringage. I’ll take the small victory and pray for a directors cut.

Have a good weekend.

Congratulations!

Whoever is the first person to read this has most likely become "unique" visitor 1000. Whatever that means.

I should be on Dr. Phil or something

I wish I could go on Dr. Phil's weight loss challenge because last night I lost 4 pounds in 4 minutes!

Our story begins several weeks ago when I made the conscious effort to grow a beard. After several hours of internal debate (er, seconds) I decided this was the best option for my future. The reasons were twofold. First, I hate shaving. Second, I'm lazy. It seemed like a match made in heaven.

I'm not the type of person that likes to toot my own horn (well, that depends on the meaning of that), but I'm very good at growing facial hair. If facial hair growth was an Olympic sport I'd probably finish just out of the medals behind USA soccer star Alexei Lalas, Osama¹, and a long shot from Kazakhstan who's probably using growth hormones.

Anyway, last night I decided to weigh myself before shaving it all off. The match (previously) made in heaven was too itchy. So I get on the scale, I weigh myself, I shave I weigh myself again, and you guessed it: I lost 4 pounds!² Bring on the Dr. Phil weight loss challenge! Bring on the Biggest Loser 2! And come and get me Osama!³

1. Because we all know Osama would come out of hiding to try to win this gold medal
2. By the time I actually stepped back on the scale I had forgotten what I weighed the first time, so my best guess is that I lost 4 pounds
3. No, don't. Seriously, I was just kidding

The blogabet

Since my mind isn't working too well today (ya know, due to the 12 beers I drank last night) I thought I'd give you a better blog than mine for every letter of the alphabet.

Ass Chronicles
Beauessai
Calm Dreariness
Dickandchick
Edens Ally
Fickle whimsy
Go Fug yourself
Hates kittens, God does
Ironpants
Jootastic
Kenandariel
London calling
Martin
Nitrogen Narcosis
Observations from a stick
Paul
Quietwater
Rtard
Steimes
The pink kitty
Unable to come up with a U
Velma-super
Whatever, Mary Kate
X –sorry, but H, Y, and Z were hard enough to come up with, I had no chance at X. Xorld of Lint
Yeah, I am new
Zero boss

PS. This was a lot harder than I thought it would be and I apologize to any of my readers I skipped, but if your name or blog started with a U or X I'd be all over it.

how it all went...

So, it didn't turn out horrible. Considering the bar has been closed for most of the last two weekends while our advertisements were up (for xmas and new years) I don't think it was too bad. I was hoping for at least 21 players and thats exactly the number we got. About 5-6 people were there playing just to support me as a friend (with another 6-8 just supporting/drinking (not playing (not making me any money!))). Most of the people that left, left saying they can't wait until next week... so I'm thinking things will build as we go along. My brother is talking with another bar this week (a huge bar in center city philly), so I'm hoping that goes well... we'll see... thanks to everyone who gave me thier confidence today, I'm sorry for being such a little bitch. If you're completely bored, check out the horrible pictures we took in the bar way too dark to take anything but close up pictures at River Dog Poker. Titso is the only girl playing (made it to the final 6 people). I'm not in any of them, my brother is the one dealing, wearing glasses at one of the few visible pictures.

Riverdog poker, take 1

I think most people that know me would agree that I’m one of the most laid back people they know. I’m quiet, I’m shy, I don’t let much bother me. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I don’t care what people think about me (because I do, everybody does no matter what they say), but when someone doesn’t want to be my best friend I try to just let it roll off my back. I never get stressed out.

Tonight’s the first night of the poker business I started with my brother. For the first time in my life I’m truly stressed out. (just ask the zit on the side of my nose that’s applying for it’s own area code.) I’ve done a lot of other things in my life that should have caused more stress than I’m feeling now, but for some reason this is the most I’ve felt it. In all actuality I’m risking no more than a few hundred dollars, but it’s not really the money I’m worried about. It’s failing. I don’t like to fail. I don’t fail. But at this point there’s not much else I can do to prevent that. In my opinion, it’s truly a good business idea. I’ve told everyone I know about it to try to get people out to help ensure success, but at the same time that may be what has stressed me out the most. It would be failing in front of everybody I know that would really kill me. I know tonight my family will be there, my friends will be there. And after tonight, success or failure, they will still be there. But with just 10 hours to go before the start of the business, it’s hard to convince myself that’s all that really matters.

(And if it is a success, I’ll have a website (or at least a blog) going by the end of the week with pictures and whatnot.)

better late than never - 05 resolutions

• drink less *
• do some work before blogging in the morning *
• eat better *
• be world's best boyfriend *
• go to the gym 3-4 days a week *
• be more personable *
• save more money *

* indicates resloution has already been broken