I'm going out for some fresh air

catch you guys later.

(PS, after browsing through hundreds of pictures, I couldn't resist the one with a little bit o' ass in it!)

Check please!

I've checked out. My boss is off today. I'm wearing sweat pants. Why am I even here? I think leaving at noon would be the thing to do.

PS. I thought of an acceptable starburst post. Maybe I'll do it after vaca.

I have gas

I just went to Wawa at lunch to get gas. So, as soon as I pulled into the gas stall (is that what they’re called?), Impatient Lady pulls in right behind me and waits. She was like 4 inches from my car which I took as meaning she was in a rush and she wanted me to hurry the fuck up. So, all rushed and wanting to please Impatient Lady, I hurried inside to grab the newspaper. When I got out, there were like 7 other stalls open, but she was still 4 inches from me, waiting. I quickly dismounted the gas stall and pulled out (he he) only to realize it didn’t fill all the way up. So, now I only have a half a tank of gas because of my please-all attitude. Impatient Lady cheats on her husband and beats her kids with wire hangers.

An Ode to Softball

I love you because you are soft, not hard.
When I play you, I have fun, except when I suck.
I wish I could play with my softballs all day long.
But then they would get hard.
And I like my balls soft.

Passin Me By

I always fuck up passer-by conversations. You know, when you’re walking down the hall and instead of the normal fake smile/head nod, someone actually speaks? Well, I always give the wrong answer. I panic trying to remember their name when they actually speak to me. If I actually get that right, then I’ll fuck up whatever question they asked me. Examples:

Bob: “Hey Tim”
Tim: “Hey Bob” (yes!)
Bob: “What’s happening?”
Tim : “Good, how are you?” (dammit!)


Joe: “Hey Tim.”
Tim: “Hey Joe.” (sweet!)
Joe: “How you doing?”
Tim: “Not much.” (I’m retarded!)

Rhonda: “Hey Tim.”
Tim: “Hey Beth” (oh crap…)
Rhonda: “What’s going on?”
Tim: “Titties.” (mmm, titties..)

Speak now or forever hold your penis

If you read this before 1pm est, tell me a good cd I should buy.

I suck

at golf.

No I will not make out with you!

I'm taking Tuesday off to go golfing. I figure I'm playing in a father son tournament next week, I should play at least once before I go. Have fun playing with your private parts all day. Losers!!

How Ireland was Destroyed

Five years ago I went to Ireland for a second time in as many years. It was probably the best vacation I’d ever been on. Played golf for 8 days, hooked up with a German chick, hooked up with an Irish chick, and got drunk and hung out with my family. Can’t beat that.

Except one thing: Will Smith ruined my vacation. Will Smith wasn’t actually on my vacation pissing in my pint glasses, but he may as well have been. You see; I hate Will Smith. Will grew up in Philly and we all loved him when he first starred in the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire. He was all about being a Philly boy, which made all us Phillyians proud. Then he got too famous and started becoming a total a-hole. He only starred in movies that had special effects that hid his true crappiness. He somehow adopted Miami as his hometown and rapped about it. He married a total psychotic bitch. He sold out.

When my brothers and I stepped on the plane to Ireland we all frantically checked the in-flight magazine to see what movie we’d be seeing. Much to our dismay, Wild Wild West was on the eastbound flight. We grumbled, we cursed his dumb ass, and we settled in to try to watch this unwatchable piece of shit. I gave up before the first scene was over. Will Smith blows. Luckily on the westbound trip we would be watching the comic genius of Adam Sandler in Big Daddy.

So, we survived the eastbound flight and had an amazing week in Ireland. Eight days later my brothers and I settled into our seats for the flight home. We put on our headphones budding with excitement, elbowing each other like 8 year olds on Christmas morning. That’s when everything went wrong.

In the beginning of a long flight, they’ll show you a preview of the shows and movies they’ll be playing. The prelude to a panic showed Wild Wild West as the in-flight movie. My brothers and I all grabbed for our in-flight magazines and confirmed that Big Daddy would be the westbound movie. We determined that the preview tape was wrong and waited for Big Daddy to begin.

I’ve never been on a plane that’s been hijacked, but when Wild Wild West started up on that flight, I knew exactly what it felt like. There was an initial panicked thought that this can’t be happening to me. No!!…Holy shit, this is really happening. What the hell can I do to stop this?!? I grabbed every flight attendant within ear shot and pleaded with them. Please, don’t ruin my vacation with this! My cries fell on deaf ears as Wild Wild West played from start to finish. Will Smith had pissed in my pint glass.

Why I hate my office

Titso was just walking up the stairs and two guys were walking down the stairs and the conversation was this:

dork: "so how did they decide that the square root of negative 1 is an imaginary number, why didn't they pick one, there's a ton of imaginary numbers."

If I were in Titso's position I would have kneed him in the nuts and threw him over the stairwell.

Thinkin bout

- I leave for Ireland on Saturday. How am I supposed to do any work this week?
- Nothing different there.
- Softball starts Thursday, I can’t wait!
- I’m starting to feel like I’ve typecasted myself into having to make a sexual reference or joke with every post.
- Vagina?

That Point of the Month

I’ve decided I hate when a girl calls it her “period.” I’ve come up with a much more hip way of saying it’s that time of the month.

See my previous post where I say “time period in history.” I don’t even think that makes sense because I was going to say “point in history.” They’re similar enough for my likings. So, basically, ‘point’ is my synonym for ‘period’.

So, ladies, now when it’s that time of the month instead of saying “I’m on my period,” you should say “I’m on point.” That would make you sound hot instead of gross.

Focus!

I was watching the Apprentice last night and before deciding on what to create, the team that won did a focus study to try to determine what the consumer really wanted. That got me thinking, am I giving the blogging world what they really want? Probably not, so I’ve decided to conduct a little focus group of my own. I’m going to be a comment whore (what else is new?) and ask you to comment on one of the following statements. Your response will affect all future posts. Please comment on only one! Thanks!

1. The Industrial Revolution was the most progressive time period in history
2. Millard Fillmore installed the first bathtub in the White House. Millard Fillmore was a genius.
3. Penis
4. Boobs

I'm in a good mood

Maybe I'll write something good today. Yeah, maybe I will...

I'm going to be a daddy!

No, wait, uncle. I'm going to be an uncle! My older brother just called me and they are expecting their first. Very cool!!!

The C Word

The house I live in now is in a town who’s name starts with the letter G. I call my house the G Unit. The town we’ll be moving to begins with the letter C, so I need to come up with a nickname for my house that begins with C. Why? Because I give everything a nickname, just ask Tiny Tim, he’ll spit the truth. Anyway, I’m having a little trouble. The Cockpit? The Cunt-hut?

It’s hard.

No, not that.

I'll post something interesting in 20 days

Eight more days until I’m on my way to Ireland. I really need to get away for some peace of mind. This whole getting married and buying a new house thing is taking up all my mind’s time. I get down on myself when I go a day or two and I’m unable to think of anything blog worthy. I think I have a problem. That problem is a crooked penis.

FYI

Working from home with a full tivo does not fuel one's blogging addiction.

What up Bitches?

I'm the new pope yo!

I was elected because my You Know What is this big.




Yes, my religousosity is this big.

boobies