Five years ago I went to Ireland for a second time in as many years. It was probably the best vacation I’d ever been on. Played golf for 8 days, hooked up with a German chick, hooked up with an Irish chick, and got drunk and hung out with my family. Can’t beat that.
Except one thing: Will Smith ruined my vacation. Will Smith wasn’t actually on my vacation pissing in my pint glasses, but he may as well have been. You see; I hate Will Smith. Will grew up in Philly and we all loved him when he first starred in the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire. He was all about being a Philly boy, which made all us Phillyians proud. Then he got too famous and started becoming a total a-hole. He only starred in movies that had special effects that hid his true crappiness. He somehow adopted Miami as his hometown and rapped about it. He married a total psychotic bitch. He sold out.
When my brothers and I stepped on the plane to Ireland we all frantically checked the in-flight magazine to see what movie we’d be seeing. Much to our dismay, Wild Wild West was on the eastbound flight. We grumbled, we cursed his dumb ass, and we settled in to try to watch this unwatchable piece of shit. I gave up before the first scene was over. Will Smith blows. Luckily on the westbound trip we would be watching the comic genius of Adam Sandler in Big Daddy.
So, we survived the eastbound flight and had an amazing week in Ireland. Eight days later my brothers and I settled into our seats for the flight home. We put on our headphones budding with excitement, elbowing each other like 8 year olds on Christmas morning. That’s when everything went wrong.
In the beginning of a long flight, they’ll show you a preview of the shows and movies they’ll be playing. The prelude to a panic showed Wild Wild West as the in-flight movie. My brothers and I all grabbed for our in-flight magazines and confirmed that Big Daddy would be the westbound movie. We determined that the preview tape was wrong and waited for Big Daddy to begin.
I’ve never been on a plane that’s been hijacked, but when Wild Wild West started up on that flight, I knew exactly what it felt like. There was an initial panicked thought that this can’t be happening to me. No!!…Holy shit, this is really happening. What the hell can I do to stop this?!? I grabbed every flight attendant within ear shot and pleaded with them. Please, don’t ruin my vacation with this! My cries fell on deaf ears as Wild Wild West played from start to finish. Will Smith had pissed in my pint glass.
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