Only in Dreams

Have you ever become fully conscious in your sleep? It happens to me like 2 or 3 times a year. Saturday at about 6am my mind woke up, but my body didn’t. Freaks me the fuck out. I try to will myself awake, but I can’t. I feel like I’m going to die. I was able to get my arm to move a little, but I couldn’t wake up. My brain tried to do everything it could to throw my arm enough to jerk myself awake. Unsuccessfully. Then after about 5 minutes of accepting death, I woke up. Then I went back to sleep. And dreamt about boobs.

Weekend by the alphabet

A nnouncement made:
B aby on the way
C eriously. Titso’s pregnant already
D addy Timmy
E xcited. Nervous. In over my head.
F earful
G ay. I apparently am not.
H oneymoon pregnancy?
I nsider information this is.
J ust want it to be a healthy boy
K idding. I don’t care.
L ong nine moths it will be
M ay 21st due date
N ine weeks along now.
O h my God, oh my God, oh my God: All my mom could say.
P robably not going to find out the sex of it
Q uiet please
R eally, quiet. We’re not telling anyone except our parents.
S uper sperm I have
T itso pregnant: what I’m being for Halloween to tell friends.
U ltrasound: had one a few weeks ago when we thought it might be ectopic.
V ery sick, all the time, she is. But, the baby seems ok.
W edding weekend pregnancy?
X is a letter I can’t come up with anything for
Y ou try
Z zzzzzz’s: what I need to catch up on.


So yes, it’s true. Titso’s pregnant already. We told our parents this weekend, but we’re holding off on telling anyone else for a few more weeks. Since no one I actually know reads this I figured I could talk about it now. Though I promise this will not become a baby blog.

It’s funny how I’ve only actually talked about sex I’ve had once or twice here, and it most likely was the time she got pregnant. Either then, or the very beginning of the honeymoon. Titso was on the pill for 12 years, so we thought it would take a while for her body to adjust and we planned on using the natural planning method for about 6 months to a year, then trying. Apparently that method doesn’t work too well. My super sperm attacks all eggs in the tri state area. Maybe waiting a month before marriage wasn’t the best idea in the world.

Anyway, we were upset and pissed at first. But, we’ve known for a month and we’re definitely happy now. Titso was in a really bad car accident a few years ago and her liver split and they said they weren’t sure if she could ever get pregnant, so I’ve felt blessed from the beginning that it happened. She’s coming around now. As long as my kid is cute, I don’t think I’ll have to throw it out.

More thanks

I need help in completing my thank you cards. We have something like 130 cards. Titso’s doing about 115 of them. The final 15 are my friends and close family. I’ve gotten creative with some, so I have to be creative with all of them. I posted my first three, my next two are…


Thank you for celebrating our wedding with us. Also, thank you for the very generous gift. Your gift will go a long way in helping us establish our child slavery ring on the black market. Love OD and Titso

Thank you for celebrating our wedding with us. Also, thank you for the very generous gift. We’ve invested your gift wisely. In Doritos. A year’s supply. Love, Od and Titso.


Now I need about 10 more and I can’t think. I could repeat, but I hate uncreativity. Besides Sean’s prostitution ring suggestion (which I modified to be child slavery), what do you have for me? please? I'll be your best friend.

homophobic

ok, so I know it's gay to post pictures of yourself as a kid... especially two in one day, but you're gonna have to deal with it. My mom made a slideshow of me and titso growing up for our wedding and I finally just brought it into work today.

This is my favorite picture of me ever. My parents used to go to this park and I would spend hours at this water fountain trying to drink out of it. My parents would just sit back and laugh at me. Every once in a while a random adult would walk by and lift me up for a drink.

The tattoo? Well, that was just a mistake I made as a crazy young kid. I got that removed a few years ago.

Disasster

This is a picture of me.

This is just a disaster waiting to happen on so many levels.

Hypothetical

Let's just, hypothetically, say someone wrote this about you....



It's quite staggering how many blogs are out there. It's even more awe-inspiring when you realize how many there are that are way more better than your own. Yes, I said "way more better". Some people just lead more interesting lives and have a knack for conveying those lives in interesting and humorous ways. And they have lots of readers, too. Color me envious.

I'd like to share something interesting I found today. It's from Tim..... I haven't read a lot of his blog, and his glib homophobic tone in the top Tuesday post isn't funny to me like it might be to a 20 year old college sophomore, but I find this post very creative, funny, and fruity (?). Enjoy.



Would you be hypothetically flattered? Or hypothetically insulted? Because, ya know, you readers who commented on Tuesday's post would hypothetically be glib, homophobic, 20 year olds. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I have registered to play in the
Online Poker Blogger Championship!

This event is powered by PokerStars.

Registration code: 8623051

busy body!

Almost 6pm and I'm still at work. That's like practically midnight. somewhere.

Thanks for the Great Gift

I'm writing thank you cards for my wedding right now. this is what they look like.



I'm very mature.


**** Update!!

These are the two I have completed thus far:

Steve and Angie, Thank you for being part of our wedding. Also, thank you for the very generous gift. We will be wisely investing it to ensure a happy life together. And by that I mean we will be buying lots and lots of beer. Love, OD and Titso

Steve and Mare, Thank you for being part of our wedding. Also, thank you for the very generous gift. We will use it to ensure a happy life together. And we will be ensured a happy life by purchasing about 4 pounds of weed. Love, OD and Titso

**** another!

Jack and Shannon, Thank you for celebrating our wedding with us. Also, thank you for the very generous gift. We're throwing it right in the gutter. Literally. We're going bowling. 50 straight games. Love, OD and Titso

Trying something new

So, I

Uh oh

I’ve never puked at work, but I’m dangerously close right now. I just got up to get one of my 65 daily cups of water. I took a sip on my walk back. Apparently I’m not good at walking and sipping at the same time. Something went wrong. Terribly wrong. Coughing fits. Shortness of breath. I think my throat collapsed into my stomach. My stomach is rejecting it. I can’t breath. If I die, I loved you. At least some of you.

Quality

I was just perusing through some of my most recent posts and I’ve noticed the quality of my writing has decreased. So, this is my oath to you, the faithful readers, to write more outstanding work. I promise to, uh, nah, never mind. Writing good is two hard.

Dear Everybody That Has Off For Columbus Day,

I hate you.

Love Always,

Tim


P.S. I'm hungry

I'm your pusher

Another week of marriage, another week alone. Titso left for Atlanta again this morning. Home Alone like Mccaulay. So much pron, so little time.

This weekend I was officially old. The best part of my weekend was watching tv. No bars, no heavy drinking, no intravenous drugs. My life has gotten boring. I rented the 1st 6 episodes of Arrested Development. If you’re not watching this show, start. It’s the best comedy on tv. Right next to The Office and Curb your Enthusiasm. Don’t be a loser, just watch. It will make you feel good. Like intravenous drugs.

Good to the last drop

Have you ever started to drink your coffee only to notice the half and half was bad? And it's all curdled and nasty. But you still drink the coffee anyway? mmmm....

Oh baby, you, you got what I need..

From Sean

Ok, go to Google.

Type in "(your name) needs" Remember to us the quotes.

Look at the 5 websites that say you need something. (Use different websites)

What are the 5 things you need?

Tim needs your love, just like any young man his age (aka. handjobs)

Tim needs to offer more respect to you, the readers. (Fuck that)

Tim needs to know that his actions are going to land him in the gutter -- literally. (already there)

Tim needs to eat every two hours! (and your point is...?)

Tim needs to swear off at least the following words forever: "sun", "soon", "crucifix", "go", "you", and about a half a dozen others the way a wino needs to swear off Boones Farm. (mmm.. Boones Farm)

A nice warm glass of shut the hell up

So, my Katie Holmes/Tom Cruise obsession went away for a while. But it’s back now! Yah For premarital sex! Or premarital test tube babies depending on how you view this unison.

I was very pissed off the other day when they announced she was pregnant because they stole my thunder. I was going to announce I was pregnant that day. At least I think I’m pregnant. That would be the only explanation for the growth of my stomach since marriage.


Then, last night I heard about the Scientologist method of childbirth:

Maintain silence in the presence of birth to save both the sanity of the mother and the child and safeguard the home to which they will go. And the maintaining of silence does not mean a volley of "Sh's," for those make stammerers.

I actually agree with this method of childbirth. I wouldn’t want to see what comes out of this mouth either:



And the post childbirth Scientologist tradition:

Next, the delivery itself should carry as little anaesthetic as possible, be as calm and no-talk as possible and the baby should not be bathed or chilled but should be wrapped somewhat tightly in a warm blanket, very soft, and then left alone for a day or so.


Well, I’ve got nothing for that, that’s just retarded.

I've grown lazy

I'm way too lazy to look through 208 HNTs, so can someone just tell me which the best ones were (besides chick's and Pauls). Growing up my brother used to always like music until it became popular. Then he stopped liking it. I thought he was aloser, but now I'm understanding. HNT is just too big to enjoy. Don't get me wrong, I love boob shots, but if there were 200 HNT's I'll bet no more than 20 were very creative. Including my own. I'm thinking yesterday may have been my last HNT. At least for a while. Definitely until I get my camera back... which hasn't even been sent in for repairs yet. So, I think this is my HNT sign off.

Penis Out!

MIA

Training all afternoon. See Ya tommorrow.

HNTe??

Still no camera.

I showed enough N in last week's HNT to last a few weeks.

Got wedding proofs back today.

Not much N this week.





The N came later that night... right? right? who's with me?

(ok, the next morning for those of you who read my recap)