Monday, March 05, 2007

One child's left behind

When Titso was pregnant we took one of those stupid tests and the results came back positive and that meant there was a higher chance of downs syndrome or retardation or some other defect in the baby. We went for follow up tests which told us the original results were wrong and the baby was ok. Even though we were told she would be fine I was still scared when she was born. She came out looking normal and acting normal. The only defect was that she had a butt dimple. A little indent above her butt. The doctors told us it would fill in as she gained weight and it has. Now it looks only like her butt crack curves very slightly at the top.

Even though she seemed normal at birth I still look for signs that something's wrong with her. Can she see ok? Can she hear ok? Does she have all her motor skills. All of those seem ok. She seems to be a perfectly healthy baby. Except I've noticed more and more that a major physical defect is coming out. She's left-handed. If she were a boy, that would be awesome and I'd start training him now to be the Phillies #1 starting pitcher in 2030. But, a left handed girl is only one step above a retarded* girl. In fact, not a single good person throughout history has ever been left handed. Proof:

Joan of Arc – burned at the stake
Julius Caesar – stabbed in the back
Prince Charles/William - gay
Fidel Castro - dicktator
Henry Ford – too lazy to walk
Helen Keller – a woman
John F. Kennedy, Jr. – bad pilot
Richard Simmons - annoying
Jack-the-Ripper – good killer
Jimi Hendrix – died on own vomit
Seal - ugly
Michelangelo/Raphael/Leonardo – mutant turtles
George Burns - old
Tom Cruise - crazy
Fran Drescher - stupid
Kermit the Frog – not even a real person
Angelina Jolie - crazy
Howie Mandel – annoying obsessive compulsive
Joe Piscopo - pedophile
Keanu Reeves – bad actor
Oprah Winfrey - annoying

* No offense...


julie said...

Ok Tim, I gotta take offense.* You see, I have two left handed girls. No freaking clue how that happened, but it did. Maybe I did too many drugs left-handed, who knows? But the fact remains, I have two left handed girls. And one of them is hella smart. Hella. The jury is still out on the other one.

Who knew Joe Piscopo was a pedophile? You learn something every day.

*I'm not really offended. Duh.

Tim said...

julie - Piscopo left his wife for his 17 year old babysitter. Wrote a song about thier forbidden love - "Kimberly".

Think Frustrated said...

Left handed people are retards. They don't use their right hand. As in their correct hand. They're too "creative" to do things correctly. In Catholic school, the nuns would smack the shit out of your hand if you tried to use your left.

I'm pretty sure my daughter's a righty.

What's the verdict on ambidextrous folks?

Melissa said...

I'm a leftey but not a true one. Yeah, there's a distinction. I basically only use my left hand to write but use my right hand for everything else. Can't even throw a ball with my left hand. Anyway, left handed people are geniuses. I'm total proof of that. You should be glad your daughter is a genius, maybe she'll be the one who finds a cure for cancer. Or a cure for reality tv, you know, which ever helps out humanity the most.

Burfica said...

maybe she's just gonna use her left hand for butt scratching that way it won't stink up the right hand. hehehehe

Laurie said...

My husband is left handed. So you're wrong about it not being a retard sign in men. Just saying

miss kendra said...

everyone in my family but me is left handed.

so glad i turned out proper like.

Oh great One said...

I was reading you post feeling sympathetic to your worries then BAM! You turned the corner. I'm right handed, I should have known better.

Tim said...

tf - ambidextrous people are actually pretty awesome. They basically rub it in the faces of lefties that being left handed is retarded.

mel - I think she'll come up with a reality tv show called Left Out in the Dark. She'll take fellow left handed people and lock them in a dark room until they find a cure for cancer. End of Show.

burf - maybe. The thing she does the most left handed is eat. Maybe she just doesn't want to dirty her correct hand.

laurie - ha! I lol'd on that comment.

mk - you're definitely the exemplary specimen all left handed people strive to be.

ogo - so left-handish of you.

❉ pixie ❉ said...

Wait a minute. I'm left handed and I obviously rock, so...your list is crap.

Leezer said...

My daughter has the butt dimple thing, too! She's six and the curve at the top of her butt crack is finally evened-out, but I was worried for awhile.

I think the left handed thing will be offset by the genius hidden in the butt-crack thing.

Chuck said...

I can't even masturbate well with my left hand. I couldn't imagine having to do other, less important things, like writing.

barb said...

Anyone who finds the hilarious and beautiful Howie Mandel annoying is, in fact, retarded themselves. Cuddles.

❉ pixie ❉ said...

What is it with women and Howie Mandel? I find him a bit creepy—especially that little Bobby voice he used to do.

Miss Piggy said...

Kermit the Frog is a real person. I'm going to stop reading your blog for saying otherwise.

Tim said...

pix - but have you done anything as cool as right-handed people? Like invent toothpaste or something?

leezer - I wipe stuff out of her butt crack often, but seldom is it genius I'm wiping away.

chuck - excellent point. Though I do wipe with my left hand, so I don't know what to think of myself now.

barb - ha! That was sarcasrm, right?

pix - she was being sarcastic, I hope? And ugggh! That bobby voice was terrible!

miss piggy - so Kermit was into beastiality?? definitely a lefty trait.

❉ pixie ❉ said...

I just noticed how incredibly clever your post title is. Must be the right-handedness seeping into your brain, thus causing you to concoct clever titles.

Anonymous said...

Cracka what? I'm totally left- handed. Being a lefty is awesome because you usually end up somewhat ambidextrous.
Hey, she can aspire to be like me: mentally unstable but extremely interesting.
Or not.

Seal - ugly
hahaha that made me laugh so hard.

Tim said...

pix - Thanks! I was totally proud of the title. It has like 9 meanings. (or 2 or 3).

??????? - Seal does have a hot ass wife though.

Grace said...

Grace Dawson - Ahhsomest person in the whole world.

Tim said...

grace - huh? do you have a blog? Do I know you?

Grace said...


hahaha you should know me, me being the ahhhsomest person in the whole world.

Paul said...

there's nothing wrong with left-handed women. They just have to sleep on your left. (so when they wake up in the middle of the night to give you a hand-job, it's not awkward).

KourJalopy said...

have to say that I thought my daughter was going to be left handed at that age too...but she turned out to be a righty!! GO RIGHTY'S!!! YEA!! And if she's a lefty, you'll just think of her as unique!!! :-)

egan said...

This is a hilarious spin on things. I really wasn't sure where this post was headed Tim. I love the descriptions next to each person. The "annoying" ones are spot on. We just took those tests and I'm comfortable with 1/200 odds.