The Ghost of Halloween Past

I was probably 4 years old this Halloween. My brother got to be bad ass Fonzi. I don’t know what the hell I was, but it certainly looks like I was a battered housewife.

I'm a hot chick

Accomplished!

I lined my drawers! (in the clean sense joo!) I drank beers. I watched the last 4 episodes of season 1 of AD. I drank beer. Lots of it. I lit a fire. I played online poker. Two games at the same time. I won them both! I F'ing rule!

I'm so old

Titso’s in Atlanta for a week. My plan for tonight: Go home. Crack a beer. Put drawer liners in my new bedroom furniture. Finally put away all my clothes into new dresser! Crack a beer. Make a fire. Crack a beer. Watch Arrested Development. Crack a beer. Watch more. Drink more. Pass out. Sleep till noon. I can’t friggen wait!

Prowess

As I was sitting in a meeting this morning, thinking about what to write about, I thought maybe I’d write a compilation of all the girls I’ve slept with and something about what happened with them. But then I thought that would be boring. Then I decided I didn’t care if it was boring. Then I decided not to write it because that list is like 9000 girls long. Uh huh, it is. Give or take about 8985.

Provokeless in Philly

I’ve been trying to come up with a humorous thought provoking post all day. I couldn’t do it. I think I lost my sense of humor. Or maybe you did? What if none of us could laugh anymore? What if all the Canadians stole our laughing ability? What if those cars at circuses with all the clowns in them weren’t funny anymore? Would we still go to the circus? What if I couldn’t make you laugh anymore? What if I never made you laugh before? What if you just pretended you never read this? Do you need me to give you a Forget Me Now? Otherwise known as a roofie?

Thought Provoking Title

What if I wrote something really thought provoking here. What if whatever I wrote made you take a step back and say, “Wow, Tim’s really on to something here. Tim is so deep.” What if I wrote something that changed your life. What if you read whatever was here and you said, “Wow, what Tim wrote right here has just changed my life. For the better.” Or, “Tim’s thought provoking post really provoked my thoughts.” Yeah, what if that happened. What if I didn’t write this. What if I wrote something else.

It puts the lotion in the basket

The wastebasket. I’ve had this tube of hand lotion on my desk for, oh I don’t know, 5 years. I just used it for the 1st time and it kinda itches and burns. Does lotion go bad?

45 Things

About you.

1. Cate’s hair was blue for her brothers wedding last weekend
2. Jootatic’s boyfriend loves Tapered Pants
3. Pink Kitty’s boyfriend is in a band.
4. Trish is having a tough time selling her house
5. Martin’s mouth is exploding
6. I’m pretty sure Lint failed in his quest to take a picture drinking a pint in every pub in York.
7. Burfica’s sick. Or at least she was. (Physically)
8. Alekx barely blogs anymore
9. Giselle’s getting hitched. It won’t work. At least that’s what she’s told.
10. Sometimes I wonder if Madison isn’t the dog he usually makes himself out to be.
11. Chick has the best quality HNT pictures on the market. And I knew her before she became a star. Well, I didn’t know her, but well, read her.
12. Paul hates Jesus
13. Angie’s in love. Maybe?
14. It seems like every post she has the days, OGO, apologizes for being out of whack. Don’t apologize.
15. Ho loves Mexicans. But not the gay ones.
16. Chris wrote a script which is being made into a kick ass film
17. QOP is getting tons of booty lately
18. Amy claims Vermont is a real state
19. I think Steph likes tequila
20. I don’t know how Filan is still single
21. Melissa’s boobs are growing while her waist is shrinking
22. Min’s back!
23. Libby’s husband’s back from Iraq!
24. Jake was on mtv’s road rules
25. Marisa’s Married. Ha!
26. Popfizz loves pron as much as me.
27. Conti likes the Astros. So, he can’t be too happy right now.
28. Funqi never blogs anymore either
29. Nor does Cindy
30. Candi looves military men
31. Sean acts gay for his girlfriend
32. Britni’s not shy
33. Cindy-Lou’s son looks like the man
34. Julia’s apparently not very good at poker
35. 30Something cleans up business nice, but Halloween brings out the real her.
36. Heather’s a Falcons fan. Boooo!
37. HappyKap runs. A lot. And it shows. She’s got a hot bod.
38. Tina kinda likes Laguna Beach
39. RitMeyer is 5 days smoke-free. I hope.
40. Lulu is one of only a handful of readers that has emailed me out of the blue. She’s cool. And funny.
41. I think Wendi likes sangria.
42. I bet Samantha’s hot
43. Kayde hasn’t updated her blog in months
44. Neil’s the newest of my daily blogs to read
45. monkey got some and gave some

Note to self:

When I rob my first bank, do not take pictures of myself with all the money.

Fix Your haloscan!

To fix your haloscan commenting... sign into your haloscan account go to SETTINGS, then to BETA FEATURES go to where is says ENABLE REDIRECT turn this off so that it says NO, hit SAVE CHANGES! Tada you shall now have commenting once again! And worship her cause she is wonderful.

Unmigration

Do you all remember the Great Haloscan Migration of '05? Blogger comments sucked so everyone got haloscan. Well, haloscan now sucks. Is it possible to unmigrate?

I’m feeling very uncreative today. I can’t even come up with a name for my unborn child. Titso doesn’t like calling it “it”, so she tasked me with coming up with something to call it. I can’t come up with a damn thing. I hate days like this. The only thing I could think of so far has been IHOP (Italian Honeymoon Odonnell Pregnancy). But, I don’t think naming it after a pancake shop is the best idea I’ve ever had.

Weekend by the Numbers

48 - hours spent in the hospital
1- bladder exploded

Who would have thought my plan would backfire like that??

Quitter

In honor of RitMeyer quitting smoking today, I’ve decided to give up something I previously did to excess. I’m giving up urination. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m urinating 4,5,6 times a day. Assuming each incident takes 1-2 minutes, I could save about 10 minutes a day. While that may not sound like much, if you add that up for an entire year, I will be adding 60 hours and 50 minutes to my year by cutting out urination. I plan on spending all that free time to either build a boat, write my biography, or learn the tango. My second year of blogging will be urination free!!!

A Year in Review

I can’t believe it’s been a year. I wondered if I’d last a week, let alone a year. And I was happy when two people read my stuff. Now I've got more than two readers and you all kick ass. In a crazy stroke of coincidence, my 50,000th hit will be today too. (although my statcounter wasn’t installed until a few months after I started). So, this is my blogging year in review...


A little over a year ago, a sports radio guy got suspended from the air and started a blog in the meantime. I used to read that and one day noticed the Next Blog button. I clicked on that button about 5000 times. Always falling on some crappy blog. Until one day I landed on a blog post about how brushing your teeth with vanilla mint toothpaste tastes like brushing your teeth with frosting. It was genius.




After giving it a thought or two, I started my own blog. Did you know my original blog title was “I’m Less Interesting Than You!”? Cate and Pink Kitty were reading immediately and that was enough for me to keep going. In a stroke of pure luck, the day after I started my blog Ashlee Simpson was on SNL.



My blog continued and I got another reader or two when I realized I actually might be more interesting than some people, so I changed my title to the classic Billy Madison line it currently is. (And it took me another 6 months to realize I spelled Chloraphil wrong… but I’m not changing it).

Right around the time I came up with the name Titso, (which stands for Tim’s Insanely Terrific Special One), on a particularly uncreative day, I posted my original Starburst Pron. It was enjoyed and it has been a running theme ever since… and I promise more when I get my camera back.





I posted more crap everyday until one day I actually posted something serious. I was asking Titso to marry me.



It worked, and we got hitched



And we made a baby.




And here I am now. Posting more crap everyday, enjoying your comments just as much as I enjoy writing the shit that I do. I promise I will try to make this next year just as mind numbing as the first!

Well Wishes

So, I’m debating whether or not to write about this because it’s completely against my typical crap. It’s actual life. Yesterday Titso went to meet a new doctor (because we moved) in order to get the typical 1st trimester ultrasound ordered. While there, they took a urine sample. The doctor called her later in the night saying there were large traces of blood in her urine. While several possible reasons were provided, the most obvious and likely was a miscarriage. The doctor ordered an immediate visit to the OB. Titso and I just got back not too long ago. The OB wasn’t too scared about the blood meaning that it was a miscarriage. She did a pelvic and an internal exam and said everything looks ok. She didn’t do an ultrasound, which is really the only thing that would have completely calmed our fears. She wasn’t the world’s friendliest doctor, which was annoying. But as of now, everything seems to be ok, but we won’t actually be sure until next week. Which sucks. But for now, Super Sperm lives on. Thank you for all your wishes.

When the levee breaks

I woke up this morning and put on a shirt. A nice shirt. I ironed a pair of high priced slacks. I shaved my face. Did my hair. Brushed my teeth. I looked good. Very good. When I got into work, there was no red carpet. I had no bonus money sitting on my desk. No raise. My superiors just aren’t noticed how hard I’m working to look good. Something’s wrong.


(on a serious note, send good thoughts my way today please)

The New Deal

I’ve determined I’m never going to get where I want to be in life with my current work ethic. So, I’m doing a complete 360. On my plan of how to get there. I’m no longer going to “work hard”, or “make an effort”. My new strategy? Dress better. Whenever you see a well dressed man, what’s the first thing you think? He’s smart. Yep, my new strategy is to look smart, rather than be smart. Genious!

Look who's blogging too!

I can't believe it. My Super sperm has a blog already.

You're all growns up, and you're all growns up, and you're all growns up

I leave today at noon to work from home this afternoon to wait for family room furniture to be delivered. The rest of our bedroom furniture gets delivered Saturday. So, by the beginning of next week, I’ll be like a real grown up with actual furniture instead of cardboard boxes and $10 Ikea furniture. Married with a baby on the way, but I won’t feel like a grown up until we actually have furniture. This post is boring.

Only in Dreams

Have you ever become fully conscious in your sleep? It happens to me like 2 or 3 times a year. Saturday at about 6am my mind woke up, but my body didn’t. Freaks me the fuck out. I try to will myself awake, but I can’t. I feel like I’m going to die. I was able to get my arm to move a little, but I couldn’t wake up. My brain tried to do everything it could to throw my arm enough to jerk myself awake. Unsuccessfully. Then after about 5 minutes of accepting death, I woke up. Then I went back to sleep. And dreamt about boobs.

Weekend by the alphabet

A nnouncement made:
B aby on the way
C eriously. Titso’s pregnant already
D addy Timmy
E xcited. Nervous. In over my head.
F earful
G ay. I apparently am not.
H oneymoon pregnancy?
I nsider information this is.
J ust want it to be a healthy boy
K idding. I don’t care.
L ong nine moths it will be
M ay 21st due date
N ine weeks along now.
O h my God, oh my God, oh my God: All my mom could say.
P robably not going to find out the sex of it
Q uiet please
R eally, quiet. We’re not telling anyone except our parents.
S uper sperm I have
T itso pregnant: what I’m being for Halloween to tell friends.
U ltrasound: had one a few weeks ago when we thought it might be ectopic.
V ery sick, all the time, she is. But, the baby seems ok.
W edding weekend pregnancy?
X is a letter I can’t come up with anything for
Y ou try
Z zzzzzz’s: what I need to catch up on.


So yes, it’s true. Titso’s pregnant already. We told our parents this weekend, but we’re holding off on telling anyone else for a few more weeks. Since no one I actually know reads this I figured I could talk about it now. Though I promise this will not become a baby blog.

It’s funny how I’ve only actually talked about sex I’ve had once or twice here, and it most likely was the time she got pregnant. Either then, or the very beginning of the honeymoon. Titso was on the pill for 12 years, so we thought it would take a while for her body to adjust and we planned on using the natural planning method for about 6 months to a year, then trying. Apparently that method doesn’t work too well. My super sperm attacks all eggs in the tri state area. Maybe waiting a month before marriage wasn’t the best idea in the world.

Anyway, we were upset and pissed at first. But, we’ve known for a month and we’re definitely happy now. Titso was in a really bad car accident a few years ago and her liver split and they said they weren’t sure if she could ever get pregnant, so I’ve felt blessed from the beginning that it happened. She’s coming around now. As long as my kid is cute, I don’t think I’ll have to throw it out.

More thanks

I need help in completing my thank you cards. We have something like 130 cards. Titso’s doing about 115 of them. The final 15 are my friends and close family. I’ve gotten creative with some, so I have to be creative with all of them. I posted my first three, my next two are…


Thank you for celebrating our wedding with us. Also, thank you for the very generous gift. Your gift will go a long way in helping us establish our child slavery ring on the black market. Love OD and Titso

Thank you for celebrating our wedding with us. Also, thank you for the very generous gift. We’ve invested your gift wisely. In Doritos. A year’s supply. Love, Od and Titso.


Now I need about 10 more and I can’t think. I could repeat, but I hate uncreativity. Besides Sean’s prostitution ring suggestion (which I modified to be child slavery), what do you have for me? please? I'll be your best friend.

homophobic

ok, so I know it's gay to post pictures of yourself as a kid... especially two in one day, but you're gonna have to deal with it. My mom made a slideshow of me and titso growing up for our wedding and I finally just brought it into work today.

This is my favorite picture of me ever. My parents used to go to this park and I would spend hours at this water fountain trying to drink out of it. My parents would just sit back and laugh at me. Every once in a while a random adult would walk by and lift me up for a drink.

The tattoo? Well, that was just a mistake I made as a crazy young kid. I got that removed a few years ago.

Disasster

This is a picture of me.

This is just a disaster waiting to happen on so many levels.

Hypothetical

Let's just, hypothetically, say someone wrote this about you....



It's quite staggering how many blogs are out there. It's even more awe-inspiring when you realize how many there are that are way more better than your own. Yes, I said "way more better". Some people just lead more interesting lives and have a knack for conveying those lives in interesting and humorous ways. And they have lots of readers, too. Color me envious.

I'd like to share something interesting I found today. It's from Tim..... I haven't read a lot of his blog, and his glib homophobic tone in the top Tuesday post isn't funny to me like it might be to a 20 year old college sophomore, but I find this post very creative, funny, and fruity (?). Enjoy.



Would you be hypothetically flattered? Or hypothetically insulted? Because, ya know, you readers who commented on Tuesday's post would hypothetically be glib, homophobic, 20 year olds. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I have registered to play in the
Online Poker Blogger Championship!

This event is powered by PokerStars.

Registration code: 8623051

busy body!

Almost 6pm and I'm still at work. That's like practically midnight. somewhere.

Thanks for the Great Gift

I'm writing thank you cards for my wedding right now. this is what they look like.



I'm very mature.


**** Update!!

These are the two I have completed thus far:

Steve and Angie, Thank you for being part of our wedding. Also, thank you for the very generous gift. We will be wisely investing it to ensure a happy life together. And by that I mean we will be buying lots and lots of beer. Love, OD and Titso

Steve and Mare, Thank you for being part of our wedding. Also, thank you for the very generous gift. We will use it to ensure a happy life together. And we will be ensured a happy life by purchasing about 4 pounds of weed. Love, OD and Titso

**** another!

Jack and Shannon, Thank you for celebrating our wedding with us. Also, thank you for the very generous gift. We're throwing it right in the gutter. Literally. We're going bowling. 50 straight games. Love, OD and Titso

Trying something new

So, I

Uh oh

I’ve never puked at work, but I’m dangerously close right now. I just got up to get one of my 65 daily cups of water. I took a sip on my walk back. Apparently I’m not good at walking and sipping at the same time. Something went wrong. Terribly wrong. Coughing fits. Shortness of breath. I think my throat collapsed into my stomach. My stomach is rejecting it. I can’t breath. If I die, I loved you. At least some of you.

Quality

I was just perusing through some of my most recent posts and I’ve noticed the quality of my writing has decreased. So, this is my oath to you, the faithful readers, to write more outstanding work. I promise to, uh, nah, never mind. Writing good is two hard.

Dear Everybody That Has Off For Columbus Day,

I hate you.

Love Always,

Tim


P.S. I'm hungry

I'm your pusher

Another week of marriage, another week alone. Titso left for Atlanta again this morning. Home Alone like Mccaulay. So much pron, so little time.

This weekend I was officially old. The best part of my weekend was watching tv. No bars, no heavy drinking, no intravenous drugs. My life has gotten boring. I rented the 1st 6 episodes of Arrested Development. If you’re not watching this show, start. It’s the best comedy on tv. Right next to The Office and Curb your Enthusiasm. Don’t be a loser, just watch. It will make you feel good. Like intravenous drugs.

Good to the last drop

Have you ever started to drink your coffee only to notice the half and half was bad? And it's all curdled and nasty. But you still drink the coffee anyway? mmmm....

Oh baby, you, you got what I need..

From Sean

Ok, go to Google.

Type in "(your name) needs" Remember to us the quotes.

Look at the 5 websites that say you need something. (Use different websites)

What are the 5 things you need?

Tim needs your love, just like any young man his age (aka. handjobs)

Tim needs to offer more respect to you, the readers. (Fuck that)

Tim needs to know that his actions are going to land him in the gutter -- literally. (already there)

Tim needs to eat every two hours! (and your point is...?)

Tim needs to swear off at least the following words forever: "sun", "soon", "crucifix", "go", "you", and about a half a dozen others the way a wino needs to swear off Boones Farm. (mmm.. Boones Farm)

A nice warm glass of shut the hell up

So, my Katie Holmes/Tom Cruise obsession went away for a while. But it’s back now! Yah For premarital sex! Or premarital test tube babies depending on how you view this unison.

I was very pissed off the other day when they announced she was pregnant because they stole my thunder. I was going to announce I was pregnant that day. At least I think I’m pregnant. That would be the only explanation for the growth of my stomach since marriage.


Then, last night I heard about the Scientologist method of childbirth:

Maintain silence in the presence of birth to save both the sanity of the mother and the child and safeguard the home to which they will go. And the maintaining of silence does not mean a volley of "Sh's," for those make stammerers.

I actually agree with this method of childbirth. I wouldn’t want to see what comes out of this mouth either:



And the post childbirth Scientologist tradition:

Next, the delivery itself should carry as little anaesthetic as possible, be as calm and no-talk as possible and the baby should not be bathed or chilled but should be wrapped somewhat tightly in a warm blanket, very soft, and then left alone for a day or so.


Well, I’ve got nothing for that, that’s just retarded.

I've grown lazy

I'm way too lazy to look through 208 HNTs, so can someone just tell me which the best ones were (besides chick's and Pauls). Growing up my brother used to always like music until it became popular. Then he stopped liking it. I thought he was aloser, but now I'm understanding. HNT is just too big to enjoy. Don't get me wrong, I love boob shots, but if there were 200 HNT's I'll bet no more than 20 were very creative. Including my own. I'm thinking yesterday may have been my last HNT. At least for a while. Definitely until I get my camera back... which hasn't even been sent in for repairs yet. So, I think this is my HNT sign off.

Penis Out!

MIA

Training all afternoon. See Ya tommorrow.

HNTe??

Still no camera.

I showed enough N in last week's HNT to last a few weeks.

Got wedding proofs back today.

Not much N this week.





The N came later that night... right? right? who's with me?

(ok, the next morning for those of you who read my recap)

Vote or Die!

a. Go to gym

b. Go home and mend sick wife

IFFF.........

My picture links actually meant anything as to where you are and who you are next to, this is what my picture linking would actually look like...


.

..


.
..


.


..

.

Uncreativity

Nothing to write right now. So, I updated all my picture links.

Does my page take too long to load because of all this crap? If so, I'll get rid of the picture links.

Do I not link to you and I should? Please provide 3 reasons I should and your favorite zoo animal and I may reconsider.

Can't touch this

I was just on the shitter and I was overcome by a sense of pride as I took a close examination of my fingerprints. They really do kick ass. Twice a good as yours.

Sleep with me

I went home at lunch today for the delivery of a new bed!! King size! Like my wiener! I’m going to effin sleep the hell out of it tonight.

Every kid in my neighborhood was riding his or her bike around. Is today Stay Home From School today? And why didn’t anyone tell me?

I… uhh… I’m sorry about the way I acted yesterday. I don’t know what got over me. I think I’m a little stressed out lately. Between the high pressures of bowling league and fall softball, I just kind of lost it. I love you. I don’t want to lose you. There's no other blog that could love you the way I do. If you’ll take me back, I’ll be yours forever.

To all the blogs I've loved before

If we were dating, I'd break up with you all right now. I'm very bored. Yet, I can't think of anything interesting to write. And it seems as if none of you have anything too exciting to say right now either. The spark just isn't there. Did we fall into a funk? Are we only hanging on to each other because we're scared of being alone? I'm thinking we should take a break. Test the waters. See if there's other blogs out there that we're more compatiable with. I've only been with one blog my whole life, I think I need some more experience. You know, have a little fun while I'm young. I'm scared that if we remain together, we'll end up regretting each other down the line. If we end up back together, then it was meant to be. It's not you, it's me.

Weak End

- Finally saw Wedding Crashers
- I liked 40 Year Old Virgin better
- Watched Philles do what they needed to do to make the playoffs
- Didn’t help.
- Fuck you Houston.
- Watched Eagles get blown out in 1st half.
- Passed out drunk
- Didn’t see comeback
- Took a walk in the woods with Titso
- Got laid in the woods like a 16 year old with no where else to go
- Not that I'd know what that is since I didn't get laid till college.
- End