Monday, January 30, 2006

My Arch Nemisis

I know that Brad Pitt is better looking than me. As much as I hate to admit it, I will. He’s prettier, sexier, more fit, and his penis is probably bigger than mine.

He’s richer, he dresses better, he has better hair, and he’s probably funnier than me. He’s a better dancer, actor (debatable), and singer than me. He probably has better teeth, better skin, and better toenails than me. He’s more manly than me and more metrosexual than me at the same time.

If there’s anything, any one thing in this world I thought I was better than Brad Pitt at, it was getting chicks pregnant. I had my wife knocked up within 48 hours of making her my wife. I totally fucking kick ass at getting chicks pregnant. I HAD to be better than Brad Pitt at that.

BUT, it turns out Angelina is due 3 weeks before Titso. And Brad and Angelina didn’t announce they were together until like December, so he somehow impregnated her just by looking at her because I know they wouldn’t lie to the public and be together before they said they were. I hate Brad Pitt.

18 comments:

RitMeyer said...

Wow, I totally thought you were the best at getting chicks pregnant. Damn. Now you have nothing. Wait, you are still the best in the starburst porn biz.

Melissa said...

Super Spermetus has competition? I'm so putting money on this one!

Paul said...

I heard Brad Pitt also does Starburst Porn. I also heard that it's better than yours.

Chuck said...

Miraclous conception...that's how it happened with Bradgelina, I'm almost certain. You had to actually use your penis with Titso. High powered, wealthy, famous people do things differently.

filmgoerjuan said...

He probably has better teeth, better skin, and better toenails than me.

Teeth, maybe. Toenails, possibly.

Skin? Have you seen his skin?

One small glimmer of hope for you, Tim.

Lulu said...

If it comforts you, some "important" guy just said he and Ange have the worst skin in all of hollywood. And I bet his toenails are yellow.

Queen Of Pink said...

Timmy, Brad's got nothing on you. Except maybe money, fame, power and stuff. I can't comment on penis size, because well, we've never seen yours. But really, you are much funnier and you blog. BRAD doesn't blog, and if he did he couldn't make starburst porn like you can. See? You're a star.

Chuck said...

When I was here yesterday your "Brad penis" link wasn't working...it is today and just let me say this...Brad needs to manscape in the worse way! He's got him a bush going there.

Oh great One said...

It's all done with airbrush Tim. You only THINK he looks better than you. That's what the ESTABLISHMENT wants you to think! So you will feel inadequet. Don't fall for their lies Tim! I saw that honeymoon picture you posted with you on the balcony. You got nothing to worry about!

Tim said...

rit - for now. It's only a matter of time before prettyboy starts that.

mel - SS is feeling dejected. Needs to impregnate more chicks.

paul - i actually stole the idea off him. I never thought I'd get caught.

chuck - true. She did cary around Billy Bob's blood, maybe she had some of his left over sperm too.

film - no, I never looked at his skin. Fantasized about it, but never looked at it.

lulu - I bet his breath smells too.

qop - his blog would probably be odonnelldoesntrule.blogspot.com, just to stick it to me.

chuck - now you'll be on that site all day, won't you?

ogo - actually, I airbrushed that too. I wasn't in Italy. And I'm bald. and I have no arms.

Sean said...

I'll have you know you are better than brad pitt at something. I think? I just read that he was awarded as having the worst skin in hollywood because of all of his acne scars from a child. Do you have acne scars? Then you have better skin, congrats.

HizzleThizzle said...

Wow. Mr. Thizzle got me preggo before our wedding too. Damn men. I was 6 months pregnant in our wedding photos. Such touching memories.


Team Aniston!

TinaPoPo said...

Tim, I bet he doesn't have better fingernails. He smokes, so his finger tips and nails are probably all smelly and yellow. And his skin is riddleed with pock marks.

TinaPoPo said...

ha ha!

riddleed! He's riddly!

babyjewels said...

When you get angelina pregnant how can you ever really be sure it's yours, though? food for thought.

also, there is no way to compare penis size with only his picture.

Dirk the Feeble said...

I can verify that the picture you linked to is doctored. I've seen Brad's penis on NUMEROUS occassions, and that is definitely a fake.

HappyKap said...

I'd rather do Angelina than Brad any day. And I'm a totally straight girl. :-)

dazed said...

Yep. I am totally team Aniston. The only time I have even REMOTELY found Brad Pitt Sexy was in Oceans Eleven. Angelina could SO do better than him. And he DOES have bad skin.