Monday, January 30, 2006

My Arch Nemisis

I know that Brad Pitt is better looking than me. As much as I hate to admit it, I will. He’s prettier, sexier, more fit, and his penis is probably bigger than mine.

He’s richer, he dresses better, he has better hair, and he’s probably funnier than me. He’s a better dancer, actor (debatable), and singer than me. He probably has better teeth, better skin, and better toenails than me. He’s more manly than me and more metrosexual than me at the same time.

If there’s anything, any one thing in this world I thought I was better than Brad Pitt at, it was getting chicks pregnant. I had my wife knocked up within 48 hours of making her my wife. I totally fucking kick ass at getting chicks pregnant. I HAD to be better than Brad Pitt at that.

BUT, it turns out Angelina is due 3 weeks before Titso. And Brad and Angelina didn’t announce they were together until like December, so he somehow impregnated her just by looking at her because I know they wouldn’t lie to the public and be together before they said they were. I hate Brad Pitt.

Fun bags

Three years ago my cousin decided to take a chance and start a new company. She quit her job and started making high-end women’s golf bags. It was a great idea because for the most part, women’s golf bags aren’t stylish and we all know how much women love all kinds of bags.

Anyway, she’s on her third year now and the new line came out over the weekend. She names all her bags after girl’s names and this year she named one after Titso, one after my sister-in-law and one after my niece. Her company's website is all flash, so I couldn’t figure out how to copy a picture here, so you’ll just have to go check them out. Click on Cart bags. The Kimberly is Titso, my SIL is Carrie, and my niece is Jamie. And if you golf and you’re rich, buy one bitches!

Friday, January 27, 2006

Fresh new look for (1/27/)06!

Big props to TinaPoPo for making me a new template. Go visit her and tell her she rocks. She'll give you a hummer if you play your cards right. (just give her a dollar or two)

I lost all my comments, but that's fine. Haloscan loses them all after a few months anyway.

Also, while designing this TPP asked for no input, she just did what she thought would be me. In doing this she accidentily revealed that she sneaks into my house when I'm not there and sleeps in my bed. This is a picture of my bedsheets...

coincidence? I think not.

Embracing local customs

The area I moved to last year has had a population explosion in the past 10 or so years. New developments are being built all over the place. My development has 100 houses which each have ¼ acre of land. But, right across the street are homes that existed before the boom that all have about 3 acres of land. The people in my development leave for work in the morning in their SUV’s and they drop the kids off at daycare. The people in the homes across the street leave in the morning in their pickups and go huntin’. Along with all the new homes, there are new businesses that cater to the newer crowd. There are also some old school business with the local crowds.

Since we moved in last year I had been driving the 40 minutes back to my old hood to get my haircut. I know and trust the person who has been doing my hair for years. It’s very difficult to make a change. Yesterday I finally decided to go to somewhere closer. I went on the internet and looked up the place closest to my house. I stopped by on my way home. As I pulled in, it was very obvious I was stepping into a “locals” establishment. As I walked in the shop, the owner’s dog greeted me at the door while his bird had open range to fly anywhere it wanted inside the shop. I sat down with a deer head mounted on the wall above me, a prized trout mounted to the wall and a taxidermied (is that a word?) fox sat in the window. I was supporting the locals and proud of it. My only concern was whether or not it was safe to get a haircut from a guy with a mullet.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

4 reviews and an observation

4 reviews of the only 4 sitcoms I watch:

How I Met Your Mother - Totally fucking gay. I never laughed once while watching the show. But I love it.

Arrested Development - Balls out funny. But canceled.

My Name is Earl - Again, I never laugh while watching this show. But, still I watch.

The Office
- I belly laugh. Then I love it more because Jim reminds me of me.


Apparently my ex died and now her vagina makes wine:

I'm only posting because TinaPoPo complained

Yesterday I met with our Activities Committee to discuss the Charity Hold Em tournament. We decided it would be run in March over a few day’s lunches. It’s going to be $20/person with a yet-to-be-determined ‘nominal’ prize for the winner. The Committee fears giving out anything good because it would look like it’s condoning gambling… which it’s not. They were talking about a trophy, which might be funny to have. I suggested a good free prize would be giving the winner the premium Employee of the Month parking spot. I hope they step up and get something worthwhile, but we’ll see. BUT, it doesn’t seem to matter to people because 28 people already replied to an initial email yesterday saying they’d be in regardless of a prize. With the company matching 100% of all charitable donations, I will be raising around $1200 for the charity of the winner’s choice based on the first response. Go me!

I just peed. I shook and shook, but as soon as I zipped up I felt wetness all the way down on my shins. I don’t know how that happened. Maybe because that’s where my penis ends…

Tuesday, January 24, 2006


I normally don't do these, but one of my good friends tagged me, so I thought I'd answer them to the best of his liking. He made the tag up himself.

List 3 Colors

List 3 words that rhyme

List 3 things that are sticky

This isn’t even a question

List 3 Colors
We already did this one

List 3 round things
the world

List 3 days

List 3 of your favorites

I tag the first 45 people to read this.

Thursday, January 19, 2006


Please vote on your favorite

1. water
2. food
3. air
4. sneezing
5. nudity
6. going to the bathroom
7. eyebrows
8. Shakira
9. anticipation
10. doing the robot

Thursday, January 19, 2006

- Leaving work at 3 today to go to Florida for a long weekend with my parents. My brother, his wife and my niece left this morning. It's going to be a lot of fun to spend a lot of time with everyone, especially Jamisen.
- We’ll be golfing while there. My mom and dad both golf. Last Wednesday my dad called and said he just got a hole in one. Yesterday my mom called and told me she just got a hole in one. Pretty fucking nuts.
- I hate blogging when I can’t think of anything to write. I put too much pressure on myself to come up with something funny, which generally makes me less inclined to come up with something funny.
- I’m pretty much doing no work at all today, so you better all get to blogging so I have something to do.
-I don't care what language you speak, this first letter, is not a letter.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Don't be a Ritard

this is an audio post - click to play

No retakes today. One recording, then I posted and I don't care if it sucks.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Husband of the Year

I always forget how old Titso is. Someone just asked me and I said, “She’s 27. No… wait, she’s 28.” Then they walked away and I started thinking she might be 29. I’m really not sure right now.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Wild and Crazy Bachelor

Because of fellow bloggers talking about last week's Bachelor, I figured I'd watch it this week. Here's my analysis of the remaining ladies.

Tara - "Hello. My is Tara. I'm crazy. I already have a rose, but I'm going to stalk the bachelor and try to ruin some other girl's birthday. Did I mention I'm crazy?"

Jehan - Jihad is crazy. She was named after a holy war. Nothing spells Crazy like J-E-H-A-N.

Jennifer - I'm not sure I even remember Jennifer being on the show. The only thing I remember about her was that she was crazy.

Sarah - "Helllo, I'mb Sarah. I've been drunking a lot tonight. Pleeze make out widt me? Pleeease kizz me! I'm craaazy!"

Sarah - The only reason anyone remembers Sarah is because she's from the same town as the bachelor. What town you ask? Crazytown.

Moana - I swear they were calling this girl Milania. She's got the "I'm not really interested" act down pat. What I see is "Maybe if I act disinterested, he won't think I'm crazy. But I am."

Shiloh - Again, not too sure this girl was even on the show. Call me crazy, but I swear she was just a camerman that he gave a rose to. (I also think this girl looks just like Filan.)


I forgot about this girl...

Susan - I don't know how I forgot about this girl because she's crazy. Crazy hot. She's going to win because she'd the hottest.

1st loser

I promise to write something more entertaining later today (or tomorrow, or Wednesday or Thursday), but for now I will talk about poker. I played yesterday and took 2nd out of 81 players. While that is good, I was chip leader going into heads up (about 4500 to 3600) and I should have won. Blinds were 400-800 by that point so after losing 2800 in the first 3 hands I was a big underdog. The company that runs all the local games in the area announced they’re giving away a free seat to the WSOP main event next year. An $11,000 prize package for playing free poker. Pretty sweet. I need to get better. Unfortunately the Quarterly Tournament of Champions event I qualified for this weekend, I can not attend because I’m going to Florida. (anyone live near Naples?) So, I will not be able to win a free trip to Vegas with private lessons from Scott Fishman. Oh well. I’ll just save up my luck and skills and take home the WSOP. Sorry for the boring poker post.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Goin back to Cali

Who from California wants to hang out? I have to go out to the West Hills/Calabasas area next month for a long weekend. Do I have any readers from that neck of the woods? Is English the main language all the way over there?

Tagged in a Weird place

Joo tagged me with this before I think. Now Rit tagged me, so I'll do it because I have nothing else to write or say right now.

"The first player of this game starts with the topic five weird habits of yourself and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals."

5 Weird habits

1. You know the old saying “he puts his pants on one leg at a time just like you”? Well, I don’t. I hold my pants out in front of me then I jump in them both legs at the same time. Sometimes I miss and fall, but it’s worth it. Someday someone’s going to say that stupid saying to me and I’ll quickly correct them.
2. I go through the same ritual every morning. I wake up then I start brushing my teeth while I pee. I weigh myself, then I measure my penis.
3. When I drive into work in the morning I cover one eye with one hand. I know I will lose one eye someday so I’m just preparing myself.
4. Crack
5. I’m extremely vain. Every time I pass a mirror I need to look at myself in it. I need to take my shirt off and look at myself in it.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

It's a sad, sad day for the Internets

The Internets will be Timless today. I've been busy as hell all morning and I've got training all afternoon. The Internets might see Tim tonight, but the Porn Internets will take up most of Tim's time.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

If you hate poker and giving money to charity then don't read this

A few weeks ago our building’s Activity Team sent out a survey asking people which of the past year’s activities you enjoyed and asked for suggestions for the upcoming year. The results were then sent out. One person had a write in suggestion of having a charity Texas Hold Em tournament. I saw that and replied to the Activity team that I’d be interested in that as well and since I used to (and kinda still do) have a side job running Hold Em tournaments, I’d be willing to help out. Much to my anti-social dismay, they replied saying they’d love help and they would discuss it at their next meeting. I just received a call and was asked to come to the meeting in 2 weeks to pitch “my” idea.

So, here’s where I’m needing your help. She said they haven’t yet received a budget, so she didn’t know what they’d be able to offer to help. She said all money could go to the charity of the winner’s choice. Is that incentive enough for you to play? How much would you be willing to play for? $5? $10? $20? “My” pitch would be a lot easier if I could get them to agree to give the winner something half decent like premium Phillies tickets, or a nice dinner or something of that sort. If you’re playing for charity, is it wrong to need a prize for the winner, or should the good naturedness of it be enough? Can anyone offer me any suggestions as to what I could do that would make you more willing to play? Anything that might get non-players to donate money?
this is an audio post - click to play

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Why I live in the best state in the Union

More Pennsylvanians have visited my site in the last 100 visits than any other state in the whole entire world. And that’s not even including myself. Why? Because every other state is a pansy ass. Yep, your state, especially Wyoming (0 visits!), is a pansy!

Monday, January 09, 2006

Just like when Columbus discovered America

My normal alarm goes off around 7:30am. I can get dressed and be in the office in a half hour. This morning I set my alarm for 5:45am, went out to my car and listened to the 1st Stern on Sirius for an hour and a half. I just discovered I’m really fucking grumpy today. And that may, or may not, be the reason why.

A lot of things I hear around the office

Make me glad I'm not a nerd.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Hoodie Friday Quiz Time!!

OK, and now, your weekly edition of Hoodie Friday Quiz Time! Today's Quiz:

Can you spot the difference in these two pictures?

The life of a single married man

With Titso on the west coast this week I’ve been left to fend for myself. And what I’ve been fending off all week is the boredom of not much new on tv. So, I’ve gone out to at least one bar a night every night this week to play poker. And I have not touched the pile of dishes in the sink. And I have not touched the pile of laundry stacked to the ceiling. And Titso just called to let me know she caught an early flight and will be home before me today. And I think I’m going to be in trouble.

Thursday, January 05, 2006


The Employee of the Month for January: Somebody Else.

What the fuck does a guy have to do to get some recognition around here? I worked every damn day last month. Except the holidays and a few other days that I took off. I may as well be a housewife if all my hard work is going to go unnoticed.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

A question

With Kym in LA this week I need something to do tonight. I’ll probably play poker again, but I was wondering if maybe you wanted to come over instead? We could open up a bottle of wine. Watch some football. Tell some jokes. We could laugh. We’ll have a good time. So, I’ll see you around 7ish?

Two lists

Reasons I hate making Starburst Porn
1. sticky
2. difficult
3. time consuming
4. usually takes a few weeks to think of things to do
5. I get just as many comments as a post I think up in 14 seconds
6. Makes me somewhat pathetic

Reasons I love making Starburst Porn
1. Its starbursts, and it’s porn.

Monday, January 02, 2006

The best of ohhh 5

What better way to start a year off than with porn? Starburst style. I went through and picked out all my favorite* songs of 2005 and created Starburst representation of them.

You can try to guess what the songs are before clicking on them. Clicking on them brings you to a new window with the answer on them. Hope you enjoy!

* - totally not my favorite songs of 2005. Just the best translated.

Shout out to imageshack for hosting the pictures in this way.