If I had a Million Dollars

I would buy myself two more heads. That way I'd have more brain power and would be able to post twice as many blogs.

Now, I know all you math experts are asking, "If Tim bought two more heads, he'd have three heads, so he could blog three times as much, right?" Wrong. I know that at all times one of the heads would be thinking about boobs or butts.

I was half-watching the oscars last night when Sean Penn came on and I thought to myself, "Was he even acting when he played the retarded guy in I Am Sam?"

Knock Knock

Who's there?
Satellite radio.
Satellite radio who?
I don't have a real joke here.

The only modern rock station in Philadelphia was pulled off the air to be replaced by a gospel station this morning. WHAT? THE? FUCK?

I'm going to have to get all my new music from MTV now. Oh no, wait, they only have reality tv and hip hop. In the words of the Boogie Down Productions, "Now tell me what the fuck am I supposed to do?"

I won! I got Third! :(

So, I won the inital plane survivor scenario today. I got the majority of 6 out of 12 votes for our plane. I moved onto the finals where me and six others got on the microphone and told our stories to the 90+ people in our total group. I'm not a public speaker, so that wasn't cool, but I ended up with 10 votes for a third place finish. I think I deserved 2nd. Here are the stories the top 7 came up with:

7th place lady completely stole the scene from 24 saying she had the code to avoid a nuclear meltdown. Her piracy was easily sniffed out.
6th place guy said he had 200 fish, 13 dogs, 12 cats, 4 chincillas, 8 chimpanzees, etc that would all die if he did.
5th place guy had a bad story about being a navy seal and a paratrooper and he could link all the plane seats together with the people in them and they'd all survive.
4th place guy had an elaborate story about how he was willing to take the bullet and take the parachute because he's a big chicken and it just so happened that when he bailed out of everything in his life there was never a problem, so by bailing out, everyone would end up safe.
3rd place was me*
2nd place was a fairly lame time machine inventor story
1st place was a kiss ass (and very funny) top 10 list incorporating people and functions within the company that would suffer from her demise. Everyone loves top 10 lists.

*my story:
"As some of you may have heard I just got engaged last week. So, if any of you have love in your hearts, you'll vote for me. For those of you that are heartless, I just want you to know that titso can't work the lawnmower. So, whichever of you that survive this crash, you're going to have to go to our house and mow my lawn once a week. Also, you're going to have to take out the trash, do the dishes, and as you can see, it's snowing outside right now so I expect the survivor to be at my house at around 5pm to shovel my driveway. So, in closing, if you have no love in your heart or you want to take over my chores, vote for someone else. Otherwise, Vote for Tim! Thank you."

Where have all the cowboys gone?

Libprincess/Ironpanties is taking a leave of absence. Jen bid adeu. I'm still not convinced Ironpants is back. Steimes hasn't posted in a while. Trish just went away for a few weeks. Michel is MIA.

Come on people! What do we all suddenly have lives outside of blogger.com?!?!? Take me with you! Please!!!

guilt trip

My current plea for the parachute. I'm going to have to tell whoever doesn't pick me that they have to go over my house and mow my lawn once a week because titso doesn't know how to use the mower. Plus do the dishes after dinner every night. Plus satisfy her in every way I do. Oh wait, that's not a good plan.

huh?

I just sent and email to someone who's first name was Kshitija. I dare you to try to pronounce that. I see a curse word or two in there.

Fun at Work?!??!

Today we got an email in which we are actually being encouraged to use our creativity! And with a chance to win $50. It's like Christmas! Well, it's nothing like Christmas, but I don't hate work right now. Here's the deal:

We are being split up into 7 teams of 13 people each. We are being put on a imaginary planes which are running out of gas in the middle of the atlantic ocean. There's 1 parachute with a raft and life preserver in each plane. 1 person from each plane will be saved. We have 1 minute to explain why we should be the one to get the parachute. The winner from each plane gets $25, the grand winner gets $50.

I know most of the people in this competition. I know they are boring and will probably use the sympathy family angle. I need to come up with a good angle. We're encouraged to tell the truth, or to lie. I chose to lie. Can anyone give me a good lie? Here's my inital thoughts:

1. I've never revealed it to anyone at work, but I am the choosen one. I was placed on this earth to save the world from a massive ladybug attack that will be taking place in a month. So, either I die today, or the world dies in a month.
2. Dammit, I can't think of anything else.

Question of the Day*

If there was a machine that taped your dreams which you could then watch on a VCR, but you could only watch the dreams when you are in front of your friends and family, would you buy it?

I wouldn't. Most of my dreams are about porn. My mom hates porn.


*question stolen from the book Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs.

Tonight's Poker Winner is

Titso. Yup, My fiance won it all. $50 cold hard cash.

bitch.

I might have malaria

After finding out the mosquitos in Dominican Republic have malaria, we were freaking out at every one we saw. I just looked up the symptoms, and they are as follows: At the onset of malaria, bouts of chills and fever lasting several hours and occurring every three or four days are the usual symptoms.

Great, sounds like I have it.

The only way I don't have it might be that the chills might be related to the hour of shoveling I did before work this morning and the self induced "fever" of working the 1st day back from vacation. If I drop dead, it was nice knowing you. Well, some of you. A few of you are pricks and I wouldn't invite you to my funeral if you paid me.

Punta Cana

The
Good

The
Bad

The
Ugly

My cat missed the hell out of me.

She said Yes!

Then she said "oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God..."

So, sorry ladies, but I'm offically off the market.

Market de la Tim is closed.

soooooooo

Earlier in the week I mentioned I was thinking about something else. While it turned out to not be the most extravagant thing in the world, what I came up with was “I love…”

I think I’ve written some creative stuff on this blog in the past few months, but romance has never been a strong point of mine (surprise, surprise). So I wanted to come up with something nice for Kym. Yes, titso’s real name is Kym. Yes, our names rhyme. Yes, that’s very gay. Anyway, what I came up with was “I love…”

Last night after Kym left work I went out bought a dozen roses. I left one rose on her desk with a little note that said “I love…” then I said some things I love about her that I won’t bore you with. I talked to another friend at work and left the other 11 roses on her desk for the time being. So, this morning Kym got it and thought it was cute and was happy, but thought nothing more of it. At 10:30 I had a friend deliver her 2 more roses with another note with the “I love…” theme. At 11:15 I had him deliver 3 more of the roses with another “I love…” card.

About 30 seconds after I post this blog I am going to take the remaining 6 roses and deliver them myself. This time the note will say “I love… how I’m the luckiest person in the world. I love how I want to spend the rest of my life with you…” At which time my epileptic seizure level nerves will take over and I will drop to one knee, and well, you know the rest….

Hell, it can’t all be starburst porn and talking about my own ass, can it?

new commenting page

I like it. I give just about my first thumbs up to blogger.com!

48 hours till sunshine, or scattered showers. Whatever. 48 hours till I'll be lying on a beach, or in a pool, or sitting at a pool bar sipping a cerveza or a margarita relaxing the shit out of myself.

Bite this

Every time I see that starburst commercial I want to punch my TV. Fuckin copycatting bitches.

And the Winner is... Me

Last night I won the texas hold em tournament we ran. Yeah, I ran it and I played in it and I won it. I promise I didn't cheat. Only when I dealt did I pull the aces out of my sleeves. Also, my friends and I had a pre super bowl game in which I won. So, basically, I rule.

It's been 3 years since you looked at me

Today is the 3 year aniversary of the day titso and I met at a chinese resturaunt. We had been working on a project for about a month before that but in different buildings 40 minutes apart. Our bosses were friends and they decided to get all of our groups together for a lunch. At the time, I didn't know it but they were trying to set us up. Her boss had been telling her she would think I was cute, my boss never said a word. I had no idea she was my age and she thought I sounded like a 60 year old man on the phone.

So we all met for lunch and convientently the only open seat when she sat down was next to me. We never talked. I said "You're titso?" "she said "yeah", I said "hi, I'm Tim" she said "yeah". For most people if I introduce myself, then thats more conversation than you'll ever get from me. I later found out her quietness was due to the fact that her boss was right about me. (But she'll never admit it) She hasn't been quiet since.

That was a Friday and the following Monday she emailed me about the project with a little opening of personal conversation. That escalated and 2 weeks later she was broken up with her boyfriend, and the rest goes down in infamy, er history.

Boring to the 3rd power

Well peoples, it’s going to be one of those weeks. One of those pre-vacation weeks where I don’t feel like doing anything. I’m either too busy working or too busy thinking about vacation or too busy thinking about another thing that I will probably not share with you all until at least Friday. This week is gonna suck. So just a warning: If you want to read crap, keep coming back here all week. I suck.

In the meantime, you can entertain me by voting on what you think the other thing I’m thinking about is.

1. I'm thinking that I’m more limber than the average man and I’d be perfect as one of those clowns that can fit into a tiny car in the circus
2. I’m thinking really a female trapped in a mans body and I’m going to come out with it.
3. I’m going to quit my job and go into porn. Starburst porn.
4. I’ve been trying to decide if I’m fabulous, or extraordinary, and I can’t come to a conclusion.
5. I’m bored and I need something to do.
6. all of the above
7. none of the above. Please provide your guess.

Generally throughout a day I'll have enough time to daydream and think of something stupid to write on my blog. No such luck today. So not only did I go against everything I stand for and come in to work the day after the eagles lost in the super bowl, but I actually was too busy to write anything until 5pm. And on top of all that, I'm not writing anything funny or interesting. SO... I've decided to just curse again.

FFFFUUUUCK!

FFFFUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!

oh well. in 120 hours I'll be lying on a beach.

but still,

FFFFUUUUUCCKKK!!!!!!!!

GO EAGLES!!!!!!!!!!



96 hours of drinking begins in

5..
4..
3..
2..
1........

as requested...

uh huh..

My blog has been titled "Chloraphil?? More like Bore-a-phil!" for about 4 months now. And yes, "Chlorophyll" is spelled wrong. You got something to say about that??

What Not to Wear

I really liked liked this idea I saw posted by Chick who stole it from Average Joe . They posted pictures of everything they were wearing for the day. Joe even posted a full picture of himself which was pretty sweet. I'm just going to post pictures of everything I put on this morning before leaving the house so you can get a good visual of what I have on right now.





And that's all. Yep, I left the house wearing only my girlfriend's thong. I felt kinda weird at first, but I think people like it since everyone's checking me out.

Best Day of Work Ever

At 11:30am we will have our first Wing Bowl in our cafeteria. The Wing Bowl is a 12 year old event in Philly. Since the city got sick of not making it to the super bowl, the wing bowl was started. In the real wing bowl contestants eat somewhere between 150 and 200 wings in about 15 minutes. Our version is only a 6 wing speed race, but here's to hoping they also have the beer bongs and keg stands the real wing bowl has...

Long-haired freaky people need not apply

North Korea wages war on long hair
Apparently this is not new news, but it’s new to me. You aren’t allowed to have long hair in North Korea anymore. Hidden videos will capture your long hairedness and put your name and address on TV and you will be mocked. Apparently long hair cuts off the oxygen to your brain and makes you stupid… but only if you are a man. I guess for women either this oxygen rule does not apply, or North Korea doesn't care if women are stupid. Oh, by the way, long hair on men is ok if you are balding and you have a comb-over.

I know a lot of people will say that this is everything that’s wrong with communism, but I like it. I think the US should adopt this policy. In fact, I like this so much I’ve come up with a few more things the US should do to keep people smart.

1. No one should wear the color brown. Brown is obviously the color of stupidity. Except in shoes and belts.
2. The letter Q should be dropped from the alphabet. I’ve said it before; I’ll say it again. Q is too dependent. If it can’t stand on it’s own, it doesn’t deserve to be honored the same as other more superior letters like I and A. Q makes people dumb.
3. All baseball hats, skullcaps, and bandanas should be burned. They constrict the head, and prevent the brain from growing. Cowboy hats are still ok as long as they are official 10-gallon hats.
4. People with Boston, New York, or Southern accents should be forced to take classes to get rid of their accents. Everyone should speak proper English, like a Philadelphian. Yo!
5. Jewelry should be banned. It makes both men and women crazy and stupid.
6. Men should not be allowed to wear tight fitting clothes. It restricts blood flow and makes them stupid. Especially that guy at the gym who wears the XX small white Under Armor. Yes, we can see your nipple rings through your shirt that is so small its melting into your skin. No, you do not look cool. Yes, your tight clothes have made you stupid.
7. Women should not be allowed to wear loose fitting clothes. Just because.
8. All boys should be named Tim. Parents have complete control over the boy's middle name. As long as it rhymes with Shristopher.

Interesting new blocked site...

Access to this web page is restricted at this time.
Reason:
The Websense category "Tasteless" is filtered.

URL:
http://ironpants.blogspot.com/

yet, ironpanties isn't blocked.... hmmm...

Man vs. Cat

As promised, last night I held a peeing contest with my cat. If we were judged solely on quantity, I took the cake. Last night was Riverdog Poker’s first night at a new bar. It was pretty successful considering there was only 3 days of advertisements in the bar. Anyway, I had about 5 or 6 beers while the poker was being played. My drinking lead to my unintentional win in the quantity department.

Tim 1, Fawn the cat 0

The next category was aim. We were peeing in the closet, so the aim catgory was based on how concentrated we could make our pee to build a puddle. As I may have said here before, I can’t hit a toilet bowl, so my aim is not very good. Needless to say, the score was tied.

Tim 1, Fawn 1

The third and final category was smell. If I would have remembered about the contest earlier in the night, I definitely would have just had an asparagus bunch for dinner, but I forgot. And, I was drinking, so my pee was pretty watered down. Fawn wins the smell category and the contest. Stupid cat.

Tim 1, Fawn 2