Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Long-haired freaky people need not apply

North Korea wages war on long hair
Apparently this is not new news, but it’s new to me. You aren’t allowed to have long hair in North Korea anymore. Hidden videos will capture your long hairedness and put your name and address on TV and you will be mocked. Apparently long hair cuts off the oxygen to your brain and makes you stupid… but only if you are a man. I guess for women either this oxygen rule does not apply, or North Korea doesn't care if women are stupid. Oh, by the way, long hair on men is ok if you are balding and you have a comb-over.

I know a lot of people will say that this is everything that’s wrong with communism, but I like it. I think the US should adopt this policy. In fact, I like this so much I’ve come up with a few more things the US should do to keep people smart.

  1. No one should wear the color brown. Brown is obviously the color of stupidity. Except in shoes and belts.
  2. The letter Q should be dropped from the alphabet. I’ve said it before; I’ll say it again. Q is too dependent. If it can’t stand on it’s own, it doesn’t deserve to be honored the same as other more superior letters like I and A. Q makes people dumb.
  3. All baseball hats, skullcaps, and bandanas should be burned. They constrict the head, and prevent the brain from growing. Cowboy hats are still ok as long as they are official 10-gallon hats.
  4. People with Boston, New York, or Southern accents should be forced to take classes to get rid of their accents. Everyone should speak proper English, like a Philadelphian. Yo!
  5. Jewelry should be banned. It makes both men and women crazy and stupid.
  6. Men should not be allowed to wear tight fitting clothes. It restricts blood flow and makes them stupid. Especially that guy at the gym who wears the XX small white Under Armor. Yes, we can see your nipple rings through your shirt that is so small its melting into your skin. No, you do not look cool. Yes, your tight clothes have made you stupid.
  7. Women should not be allowed to wear loose fitting clothes. Just because.
  8. All boys should be named Tim. Parents have complete control over the boy's middle name. As long as it rhymes with Shristopher.


12 comments:

nique said...

to add to #6. Men who wear the xxsmall under armour are also prone to wearing the spandex version of woman's underwear on their lower half. We can see your knub and it's not going to make any woman scream with delight!
Therefore those tight fitting shorts should be banned because the guy that thinks he can attract women by disclosing the lack of power in his pants is STUPID!

hee hee Shritospher!

oh and this north korea long hair war was new news to me too! thanks for keeping me in the know!

Cindy said...

You can take my life, but you'll nevah get my Boston accent. NEVAH!

Although it only usually emerges when I'm drinking. Or when I'm about to kick ass.

Oh great One said...

Boy am I glad I checked in! I would have missed my update on current events! Thank you, you are doing a great service! However I don't know about not allowing women to wear baggy clothes....I have seen plenty of examples of too big of a girl in too little clothes. I really don't need to read their pulse from 20 paces. You might want to ammend that rule.

Burfica said...

I think you should make the rule of no man over the age of ummmm 50....well hell just no man.... should ever ever wear a speedo. They are gross and disgusting, and does not make us women want to molest you. And men with dunlop disease should never be alowed to wear tight anything (dunlop disease----his belly dun lopped over his pants)

Tim said...

nique - the worst I ever saw at the gym was a 60 year old man wearing women spandex shorts and a half shirt. I put down the weights and left the gym.

ck - your Pats are going down this weekend!

ogo - When my regiem takes over, I will have a special counsel created that determines which women will be allowed to wear baggy clothes.

burfica - I wore a speedo everyday for 16 years of my life. And I enjoyed every ball squeezing second of it.

Anonymous said...

Tim, you could safe yourself and your regime alot of work by just moving all the ugly and/or dumb people to somewhere like Montanna.

Let them roam free ugly and dumb, they have the right too!

nique said...

tim, that is hilarious!

the dude that most regularly wears women's undies to our gym is all 'roided out. this makes his knub even funnier since he thinks he's god's gift to women. (which is a definite negative)

Oh great One said...

This is totally unrelated but I think you should know....Starburst ripped you off! I just saw a commercial where a guy made a statue of a woman from starbursts! Then he started eating her! You should sue!

Tim said...

I know! A few years ago I contacted them about the idea. I never heard back. Now I know they were just designing it. I wonder if I can get $15.6 million like that folgers guy.

Steimes said...

*sings* Sign Sign everywhere a sign*sings*

Damn the guy who wrote that song was a prick, he goes on for like 2 minutes about how signs sucks, then he goes and makes his own sign what a fucking peice of work.

Tim said...

stupid song has been in my head since I wrote this piece of shit this morning.

CaCaBoy said...

I concurr. Fat men and women should have no access to spandex or man-made synthetics at all! Any caught in a store trying to purchase said items should be darted and moved to New England for observation!