I'm going out for some fresh air

catch you guys later.

(PS, after browsing through hundreds of pictures, I couldn't resist the one with a little bit o' ass in it!)

Check please!

I've checked out. My boss is off today. I'm wearing sweat pants. Why am I even here? I think leaving at noon would be the thing to do.

PS. I thought of an acceptable starburst post. Maybe I'll do it after vaca.

I have gas

I just went to Wawa at lunch to get gas. So, as soon as I pulled into the gas stall (is that what they’re called?), Impatient Lady pulls in right behind me and waits. She was like 4 inches from my car which I took as meaning she was in a rush and she wanted me to hurry the fuck up. So, all rushed and wanting to please Impatient Lady, I hurried inside to grab the newspaper. When I got out, there were like 7 other stalls open, but she was still 4 inches from me, waiting. I quickly dismounted the gas stall and pulled out (he he) only to realize it didn’t fill all the way up. So, now I only have a half a tank of gas because of my please-all attitude. Impatient Lady cheats on her husband and beats her kids with wire hangers.

An Ode to Softball

I love you because you are soft, not hard.
When I play you, I have fun, except when I suck.
I wish I could play with my softballs all day long.
But then they would get hard.
And I like my balls soft.

Passin Me By

I always fuck up passer-by conversations. You know, when you’re walking down the hall and instead of the normal fake smile/head nod, someone actually speaks? Well, I always give the wrong answer. I panic trying to remember their name when they actually speak to me. If I actually get that right, then I’ll fuck up whatever question they asked me. Examples:

Bob: “Hey Tim”
Tim: “Hey Bob” (yes!)
Bob: “What’s happening?”
Tim : “Good, how are you?” (dammit!)


Joe: “Hey Tim.”
Tim: “Hey Joe.” (sweet!)
Joe: “How you doing?”
Tim: “Not much.” (I’m retarded!)

Rhonda: “Hey Tim.”
Tim: “Hey Beth” (oh crap…)
Rhonda: “What’s going on?”
Tim: “Titties.” (mmm, titties..)

Speak now or forever hold your penis

If you read this before 1pm est, tell me a good cd I should buy.

I suck

at golf.

No I will not make out with you!

I'm taking Tuesday off to go golfing. I figure I'm playing in a father son tournament next week, I should play at least once before I go. Have fun playing with your private parts all day. Losers!!

How Ireland was Destroyed

Five years ago I went to Ireland for a second time in as many years. It was probably the best vacation I’d ever been on. Played golf for 8 days, hooked up with a German chick, hooked up with an Irish chick, and got drunk and hung out with my family. Can’t beat that.

Except one thing: Will Smith ruined my vacation. Will Smith wasn’t actually on my vacation pissing in my pint glasses, but he may as well have been. You see; I hate Will Smith. Will grew up in Philly and we all loved him when he first starred in the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire. He was all about being a Philly boy, which made all us Phillyians proud. Then he got too famous and started becoming a total a-hole. He only starred in movies that had special effects that hid his true crappiness. He somehow adopted Miami as his hometown and rapped about it. He married a total psychotic bitch. He sold out.

When my brothers and I stepped on the plane to Ireland we all frantically checked the in-flight magazine to see what movie we’d be seeing. Much to our dismay, Wild Wild West was on the eastbound flight. We grumbled, we cursed his dumb ass, and we settled in to try to watch this unwatchable piece of shit. I gave up before the first scene was over. Will Smith blows. Luckily on the westbound trip we would be watching the comic genius of Adam Sandler in Big Daddy.

So, we survived the eastbound flight and had an amazing week in Ireland. Eight days later my brothers and I settled into our seats for the flight home. We put on our headphones budding with excitement, elbowing each other like 8 year olds on Christmas morning. That’s when everything went wrong.

In the beginning of a long flight, they’ll show you a preview of the shows and movies they’ll be playing. The prelude to a panic showed Wild Wild West as the in-flight movie. My brothers and I all grabbed for our in-flight magazines and confirmed that Big Daddy would be the westbound movie. We determined that the preview tape was wrong and waited for Big Daddy to begin.

I’ve never been on a plane that’s been hijacked, but when Wild Wild West started up on that flight, I knew exactly what it felt like. There was an initial panicked thought that this can’t be happening to me. No!!…Holy shit, this is really happening. What the hell can I do to stop this?!? I grabbed every flight attendant within ear shot and pleaded with them. Please, don’t ruin my vacation with this! My cries fell on deaf ears as Wild Wild West played from start to finish. Will Smith had pissed in my pint glass.

Why I hate my office

Titso was just walking up the stairs and two guys were walking down the stairs and the conversation was this:

dork: "so how did they decide that the square root of negative 1 is an imaginary number, why didn't they pick one, there's a ton of imaginary numbers."

If I were in Titso's position I would have kneed him in the nuts and threw him over the stairwell.

Thinkin bout

- I leave for Ireland on Saturday. How am I supposed to do any work this week?
- Nothing different there.
- Softball starts Thursday, I can’t wait!
- I’m starting to feel like I’ve typecasted myself into having to make a sexual reference or joke with every post.
- Vagina?

That Point of the Month

I’ve decided I hate when a girl calls it her “period.” I’ve come up with a much more hip way of saying it’s that time of the month.

See my previous post where I say “time period in history.” I don’t even think that makes sense because I was going to say “point in history.” They’re similar enough for my likings. So, basically, ‘point’ is my synonym for ‘period’.

So, ladies, now when it’s that time of the month instead of saying “I’m on my period,” you should say “I’m on point.” That would make you sound hot instead of gross.

Focus!

I was watching the Apprentice last night and before deciding on what to create, the team that won did a focus study to try to determine what the consumer really wanted. That got me thinking, am I giving the blogging world what they really want? Probably not, so I’ve decided to conduct a little focus group of my own. I’m going to be a comment whore (what else is new?) and ask you to comment on one of the following statements. Your response will affect all future posts. Please comment on only one! Thanks!

1. The Industrial Revolution was the most progressive time period in history
2. Millard Fillmore installed the first bathtub in the White House. Millard Fillmore was a genius.
3. Penis
4. Boobs

I'm in a good mood

Maybe I'll write something good today. Yeah, maybe I will...

I'm going to be a daddy!

No, wait, uncle. I'm going to be an uncle! My older brother just called me and they are expecting their first. Very cool!!!

The C Word

The house I live in now is in a town who’s name starts with the letter G. I call my house the G Unit. The town we’ll be moving to begins with the letter C, so I need to come up with a nickname for my house that begins with C. Why? Because I give everything a nickname, just ask Tiny Tim, he’ll spit the truth. Anyway, I’m having a little trouble. The Cockpit? The Cunt-hut?

It’s hard.

No, not that.

I'll post something interesting in 20 days

Eight more days until I’m on my way to Ireland. I really need to get away for some peace of mind. This whole getting married and buying a new house thing is taking up all my mind’s time. I get down on myself when I go a day or two and I’m unable to think of anything blog worthy. I think I have a problem. That problem is a crooked penis.

FYI

Working from home with a full tivo does not fuel one's blogging addiction.

What up Bitches?

I'm the new pope yo!

I was elected because my You Know What is this big.




Yes, my religousosity is this big.

boobies

If you could be a mountain range, which would you be? My initial thoughts were the Swiss Alps because Swiss reminds me of chocolate and hot chicks. But Alps reminds me of Alpo dog food. Then I started to think it would be cool to be the Rocky Mountains, but then I see Rocky on that reality show and I don’t really like him anymore. In the end, I don’t know which mountain range I’d be because those are the only two that I really know (besides the Appalachian Mountains, losers!).

Home O'

We’ve figured out a way to get the payments down and can manage the house on just my salary. Titso doesn’t make much less than me. She smart too. We’ve both paid off our cars already, so as it turns out, we’re going to be able to spend titso’s entire salary on beer, bowling, and hookers. In about an hour and a half, the house will probably be ours. (Pending inspection.) I'm happy.

Last week posts were flowing out of me like piss out of a drunk. Not so much today.

For me

Some people use their blogs as a form of personal therapy. As evidenced by my previous 200 posts, I don’t. For once I’m going to write something to try to convince myself one way or the other whether or not I’m doing the right thing. I suggest you divert your eyes.

For the past 6 months since one of my friends became a realtor Kym and I have been getting homes for sale emailed to use everyday. We’ve liked a few and driven by them and decided it wasn’t what we were looking for. One of the first times we drove around we came upon a development that looked exactly like what we were looking for, but no houses were for sale in it. Over the past few months a few houses there have gone up, but they weren’t the ones we really liked. This week our perfect home went up for sale in that development and we went to see it yesterday. We loved everything about it, even the friendly neighbors that seemed to encourage us to buy it. Of course the biggest problem is the price tag. We got price comparisons of the other homes in the development and this is up for about 8% more than ones that sold 4 months ago. But this one also has a full finished basement and an extra full bathroom. Kym just bought a house two years ago knowing she’d only live there for several years because of it’s size. The value of that home has gone up close to 50% because of the market and all the work we’ve put into it. With just the profit off that house we could put up the required 20% down payment on the new house. That would still leave us with a big mortgage. But Kym and I have been good (and lucky) with our money throughout our lives, so we’d still be left with large nest eggs. The mortgage payments would end up being about half of our combined take home salaries. Which in all actuality isn’t that bad. It’s so fucking hard to make a decision that will completely change your life, and having to make that decision within about 24 hours, and to still have to have that decision accepted by another party. Can a life of planning a wedding over 5 months and buying a house that’s 3 times the size and two and a half times the price of your old house be any more stressful?? Life sucks right now. Or is it great? I can’t tell.

Casual Friday Poem

Jeans on.
No belt.
Butt crack showing.
Women Swooning.
Some guys too.

Lew-Ew-Zers

Man, you guys will leve me a comment no matter what I write, won't you?

Won't You!?

Long Post Warning!

I had a team meeting this morning. While half of my brain was diligently paying attention to the presentation, the other half of it was wondering what would happen if everyone in the world suddenly dropped dead of Mad Monkey’s Disease, except the people in my conference room. Of the 26 in the room, there were 15 women and 11 men. So, us men would be hooked up with the whole restarting of the universe thing. Then I started thinking about who I would recreate with. Since titso isn’t on my team, she wasn’t in the room. So, I thought about it logically: what qualities would be the best for the world to have? And I chose the obvious one: good hair. (I know some of you are saying “Whoa, whoa, whoa, two posts about hair in one day??” And I say, “Yes, deal with it bitches.”)

So, as I looked around the room to determine who was hair worthy my eyes kept going back to Russian Milf Lady. She’s got very nice shoulder length, mussy brown hair with blond highlights and random red streaks. She’s probably in her late 30’s and she dresses hot and has a pretty hot body. RML’s hair would be the jeans my genes would want to reproduce with.

As my right hand was taking notes on the presentation, my left hand did a free sketch of her hair. I then transferred it to MS Paint, and here’s what it looks like:


I then drew a picture of my own hair:

Then I drew a picture of what our perfect haired babies would look like. Pretty sweet if you ask me:

Skeeve me a River

I don't watch the show, but are you guys telling me this creepy guy is still an Idol?

I need a haircut

No, not that hair.

Sometimes when I pee I don't shake enough and I get pee all over my leg.

sad face

Sometimes towards the end of the day I'll look at statcounter and see how many people came to my site throughout the day. I can picture them sitting at their desks, clicking on a link to my site, ready to get all horny or giggly. But then they just read the same crap that's been sitting there all day. Then they get mad and kill all the plants on thier desk. I'm sorry little plants. I never meant to hurt you.

Britney's pregnant!

And I'm here today to announce that I am not pregnant. I had you all fooled for a while, but I'm admitting now it was just an evil ruse to get your sympathy. Looking back, I'm kind of ashamed I've been lying to you about my pregnancy for the past year an a half. Thank you for all the presents and money you sent. I will always enjoy and cherish your kind thoughts. I'm sorry I lied, but keep sending money please.

I was going to post nothing but titles today, but decided I couldn’t do that to my faithful readers. You come here expecting more than just titles, so here you are. Three sentences. Now four.

What is the acceptable amount of time I can leave 15 bird shits on my car before cleaning it?

My cat's breath smells like cat food

TMI??

Especially the About Tim section.

PS. This post will self destruct before I leave for the day in about 20 mintues.

Nevermind. I'll just leave it even though I look like I have 6 chins in the picture.

I've decided not to read or write any more long posts. My attention span isn't

Hey Jealousy!

Our cubicles are about 5 and a half feet tall. When I stand up I can look and see the top of Titso’s cube. I often can see the top of a guy’s head in her cube having sex with her. So, I reach into my desk drawer and pull out my big ass knife. When I get over to her cube it always turns out to just be a co-worker talking about something work related. I usually cut him just to get my point across.

I'm hungry for some ______!!

Who's with me?

FUCK NUTS

So... I just played in a $120 per person 85 person texas hold em tournament. Top 7 finishers made money. Who wants to guess which place I came in? No, not 85th you prick. 100 times worse. I got 8th. 1st loser. Fuck me.

Friggen Nazis!!

WTF?!?!? Next thing you know they're gonna ban smoking crack and killing your wife!

Amazing Bible Studies!

So I just figured out that since I got my new laptop every comment I've left on haloscan had the wrong url. Apparently Amazing Bible Studies have the corner on blogspot spelled blogpsot. Go ahead, type your blogspot address spelled blopsot. I'll wait...



Told ya! Those bible fuckers.*



* I didn't mean that they fuck bibles. I meant they are fuckers, and they are bible people.

I Feel Good!

Do you ever have one of those days when you look in the mirror and say “Damn! I look good today!”? Your hair looks just right. You somehow look tan even though you haven’t been in the sun in months. Your outfit looks hot. The little bit of stubble on your face makes you look sexy. You’re blemish free. Your eyes look greener. Your teeth look whiter. And after a bad-breath-check, you can’t stop smelling your own breath because it smells that damn good.

Today is one of those days. Just like yesterday. Just like Wednesday. Just like Tuesday. And Monday, Sunday, Saturday, etc., etc., etc…

Mi Amore

I’m getting married in a few months and I’m happy about that. But one thing I’ve always wanted to experience was to have a girl talk dirty to me in foreign language that I don’t understand. I wouldn't be picky at all either. She could speak russian, french, finnish, pig latin, or just have a really deep southern accent for all I care. I can picture myself picking up a Spanish chick and while we were getting busy she’d be yelling “la leche, el jugo de naranja, el pollo, las papas!!” I’d think to myself, “I have no idea what she’s saying but it sound friggen hot!! I kick ass in bed!”
In reality she’d just be trying to remember what she has to get at the grocery store when this nightmare is all over. (She would need milk, orange juice, chicken, potatoes)

20K

Odds are, later today, my stat counter will hit 20,000. If I had sex with a different girl for every time someone loaded this page since I installed statcounter in December I’d be just like my hero, Wilt Chamberlain. I’d also have every STD I’ve ever joked about having. I’d also have a ginormous smile on my face.

Google maps

Anyone see these? You can type in your address, then click on the "Satellite" button in the top right and see (what I think is) a real picture of your neighborhood. It's obvious looking at my house that one of you needs to come over and mow my lawn.

Assistance needed in aisle 4

Someone give me a topic. I'll discuss my feelings on it.

I love everyone

But seriously, I love some people more than others. One of my most favorite people are people that visit my site by accident then stay. Probably my most googled thing is Nicknames for loved ones. Most people don't find what they are looking for but every once in a while someone loves the name Titso and keeps looking at my shit. To you, I love you. Wanna make out?

NOOO!

Now Santa is dead too!

chicken or the egg?

Would you rather I post nothing, or I post nothing interesting?

Broadcasting Live and In Color

From my new fucking laptop! I can't even explain how great it feels as a programmer to have equipment manufactured after the year 1992. Words just can't

*SPOOGES*

sorry. I'm so embarrased I finished so quickly.

Top that Ashton!

Does anyone else think the pope is going to recreate the ultimate April Fool's prank of dying then coming back to life 3 days later?

I never took a class in writing, but I know what foreshadowing is

Last night I went online and watched the flash cartoon that kid that just went crazy and killed all those people at his school made. After watching it, it seemed kind of obvious that he was going to do that. It’s a horrible situation and I’d never make a joke about it.

BUT, it got me wondering what I’d have to do in life for people to go to my blog and say “Yeah, we should have seen this coming.” Among the things I’ve realized I’m foreshadowing here are:

- I may dump titso and marry Jennifer Love Hewitt.
- I may dump titso and marry another blogger.
- I may dump titso and marry Rosie O’Donnell.
- I may be arrested for becoming a candyaphiliac.
- I may be fired for blogging too much.
- I may become the world’s coolest person.

UPDATED!

- Four Words: Pope Tim the First.