The Post never lies, right?

Because they are saying that Arrested Development was picked up for 26 more shows. If they're fucking with my emotions, that just ain't right.

Bachelor recap

So, last night, Bachelor Travis picked hometown sweetheart Sarah to be his future ex-girlfriend. At the end it looked like he was going to pick bad girl Moana. But, much to her dismay, he did not. When she was eliminated she made several remarks that went unnoticed to the untrained eye. But, since I am a reality show expert, I am here to translate what she was saying to the layman. I think you will understand her grief a little better.

“You took a piece of me that I will never be able to get back” – Travis took her anal virginity.

“Wow.” – Travis was blessed with a giant penis

“I’m devastated.” – Add up first two translations

“I can’t believe him.” – She swallowed for him

“The good girl always comes in first.” – Moana could not reach orgasm. Travis picked easy to satisfy Sarah.

“I’m shocked!” – Two in the pink, one in the stink.



I think you all can now understand why she was crying.

If I were to write two posts today, this is where the second post would go.

Worst. Movie. Ever.

Seriously. If you're given the choice to watch this movie or rip all your fingernails off. Kiss your fingernails goodbye.

Not my idol

I’m departing from the realtime blogging to bring you this. Chuck admitted that he watches American Idol, so I figure I can too. I was going to post this yesterday, but forgot. That Patrick dude that got kicked off last night deserved to get kicked off. Because of his friends. What the fuck is wrong with this lady’s lips?? (A youtube screen scrape is the only picture I could come up with)

A Day in the Life: Realtime blogging

7:45 – Woke up, brushed teeth, washed face, did hair.

7:50 – Looked magnificent.

7:52 – Ate Berry Krispies

7:55 – tasted magnificent.

8:25 – Arrived at work

8:30 – got on blog, commented on comments, starting thinking about what to write today. Didn’t come up with anything

8:31 – Put in Pixies cd

8:32-8:50 – Work related activites

8:51 - continued looking magnificent

9:12 - Brushed teeth. Flirted with self in mirror.

10:16 - sneezed

10:40 - listen to Curious George soundtrack

10:55 - daydream about how winning a silver medal would suck because you didn't win

11:01 - Get annoyed at the fact that I bit the inside of my cheek yesterday

11:03 - See that Arm gave me best comment of the day. Get happy.

12:04 - scratch ass. Make dinner plans. get hungry

12:30 - get burrito

12:40 - eat burrito while reading My Friend Leonard

1-3 - do lots of work

3:00-3:01 - debate dumping here or waiting till gym

3:02 - 4:01 - dump

I'm home

I'm tired. And I have nothing to write.

Dead Presidents*

I completely forgot today (yesterday) was the best holiday of the year. Good old el presidente’s day. I thought I’d honor our nation’s presidents by posting pictures I have of myself with them. Me and a few pres’s hanging out having fun.

Me and Georgie hanging out, trying to decide between Ace of Base and The Monkees.



I invited Ronnie to my wedding. What a jokester!




* Not all presidents pictured are dead yet

The west coast is the worst coast

Our "direct" flight stopped in Kansas City to fill up on gas because the winds were so high it couldn't make it all the way. Not only did the stop add about 45 minutes to the flight, the high winds added another hour and 15 minutes. So, we landed in LA at 3pm pst. But at least it was sunny and beautiful, right? No, it's about 12 degrees here. And a 28 mile drive to the hotel took 2 hours because of traffic. If I never come back to LA again it will be too soon. Plus, I'm working and I'd rather just go to the commerce casino. Quarter goes to everyone who comments while I'm still at the office today.

Offcycle blogging

Tomorrow I travel all day, then I work from 12pm-12am Saturday, 10am-10pm Sunday, 5pm-5am Monday, 5pm-5am Tuesday. That's a lot of time in front of my computer where people will not be blogging, so I need to hire people to blog during those time periods to entertain me if and when I get bored. .25$/hour. Apply Within.

Out of Office

Don't be jealous that your s.o. don't got skills like this

I only came up with 10 cards. Thanks for your help, I used several suggestions. Titso will wake up with these scattered all over the house tomorrow morning. (First time using my scanner, these didn't all scan too well.)

cont'd

(I use TONS of Lubriderm. All over my body and as a hair product)






(Inside didn't scan. Says "Santa is Jealous because you are my Valentine. Love,Tim")

My Grammy Acceptance Speech

Wow, I never expected to win. It was an honor to be nominated. When I started my music career, I never thought I’d make it far enough to win the Grammy for Best Song Person Maker Ever. I just want to thank a few people. First, I want to thank God for giving me the talent it takes to be such a good song person maker. Second, I want to thank MC Hammer. (This is where I would break into the Hammer dance for about 3 or 4 minutes.) That’s all, thanks. (Then I moon the crowd.)

Valentines Day

I stay up later than Titso every night. She wakes up earlier than me. So, I was thinking for Valentines Day next week, before I go to bed I’m going to leave little cards all over the house for her to read when she wakes up in the morning. And in typical Tim fashion, they will be home made cards. And definitely not the fancy homemade cards Thizzle makes. They will be pretty much the same quality as my MS Paint drawings. I bought a 24 pack of construction paper yesterday. Once I buy some magic markers, I’ll start. My plan is to make 24 different cards(won’t happen). They will all be horrible, but sweet. These are some ideas I have so far:

I will draw a picture of a cool dude. The front will say, “This is Blake.” The inside will say “Blake would have married you if I didn’t because you’re so cool. Love, Tim”

The front of a black piece of construction paper I will draw just a pair of eyes. And, of course, I will have to point out “This is me.” The inside will be the same eyes, except you will also be able to see the full me, with a big smile and a flower. “My world is brighter when you are around. Love, Tim”

I will draw a picture of Titso, Jessica Simpson, Angelina, and Jessica Biel. The inside will say “If I were on a train and could sit next to anyone, I would choo-choo-choose you. Love, Tim”

I will draw the set of the old tv game show “Let’s Make a Deal.” The inside will say “If I were on Let’s Make a Deal and you were behind door number 1, I would NOT make a deal to see what’s behind Door 2. Love, Tim”



I need more ideas. The ideas can be as bad as possible.

A Thursday post

Last night I was going to do an audio blog on my way to dealing poker, but I forgot. It wasn’t going to be anything exciting, I was just going to talk about yesterday’s post. As with a lot posts, I think of ideas when I’m on different internet sites and they spark ideas. My idea for yesterday went as follows: “Maybe I’ll make cartoons that I’ll ask people to protest. Oh, and maybe they’ll be talking shit about my blog, but I’ll insist that’s not the reason I’m protesting them.” So, I opened up MSPaint to draw my cartoons. And boy, you should have seen the ideas in my head. I’m Leonardo Da Vinci in my head. The bunny is fuzzy and cute, the hooker is super skanky with a cold sore or something, the flying shit people are in the middle of a city with details abound. Then as soon as my mouse starts drawing, I laugh at myself at how bad they are, which I think makes it even funnier. My brother is an artist and I’m jealous, but at the same time, I think the retardedness of the drawings makes for a good post.

I’m still trying to determine if I’m a pervert or not. The other night I was on youtube.com and looking at all the videos on there and I love this homemade video so much that I actually went out and bought the Pixies cd with this song. I don’t think I’m a sex pervert, but I figured that by using the words sex, and homemade video in a post, I could get more hits. Want to know a good way to get more hits? Post a link to the naked brad pitt picture. I get about 20 hits a day from this link. Talk about perverts!


****
UPDATE

I once had a theory I was afraid to post because I thought it was stupid. Here's the theory... ever hear the game "Six Degree of Kevin Bacon" where any actor in hollywood can be linked to Kevin Bacon through 6 or less movies? My theory is "Six Degrees of Blogger Nation." I honestly feel that any blogger that links to people can be linked to any other blogger on the internet through 6 links or less. The theroy could never be proved, so I never mentioned it. Anyway, the reason I write it now is that on that brad pitt link, I clicked on the 1st picture and that person links to Melissa just like I do. So, I think my theory is right! I bet you can't disprove me.

Offensive cartoons?

The protests of those stupid Islamic cartoons is all over the news. I went and read them and didn't really see the problem. But, while I was looking for these cartoons, I stumbled across several other HIGHLY offensive cartoons. How these cartoons are even in existence is beyond me. Basically, I'm asking my fellow bloggers to join me in a bloggers protest of these cartoons. I don't want to post too many of them because the content is so outrageuos, but I will post a few just so you know where I'm coming from.

The first is a cartoon I found called "The Happy Bunny":


This is so completely offensive because this bunny doesn't look happy at all. The title is an outright slap to the reader's face.

The second I came across was called "High Heels":


Obviously, this woman is a hooker. I don't think "High Heels" refers to her shoes (although her shoes are, in fact, nice high heels). I think this refers to some sort of sexual position, and we can't have our children reading this garbage.

The third I found is called "What is it?"




Even without our protest, I don't see this cartoon lasting very long. Shit can't fly. It will hit the ground, and the cartoon will have nowhere to go from there. Like this blog.

Something?

I’ve got nothing to say. Rather than take up your time by posting something stupid, I’m just not going to post anything at all. Sometimes when I don’t have anything to say, I’ll make a post about my life or something else boring, just to give people something to read. But, I know people don’t want to read that crap. I’m not going to do that today. Today, I will post nothing rather than bore you with something stupid. I racked my brain for at least 3 minutes this morning. I tried and tried and tried to come up with something entertaining. But, the simple fact of it is, I’ve got nothing to offer you that will entertain you. So, I won’t even try today. Sometimes I’ll write and write about something, and it will bore you. Not today. Today I write nothing. I wouldn’t want to jeopardize our friendship by writing something that will not make you laugh. Today, by not posting, I’m doing so for you. My faithful reader. My faithful reader who comes here hoping to read something that will make you laugh. I promise, for today only, I will not write something that will not make you laugh. I will not write something like this.

Super Bowl Commercials!

Just like I’ve done every year (except last year) after the super bowl, today I will review the commercials from last night. The average cost of the commercials was $2.3 million or something like that. And today I will go through them and tell you my favorites…

1. I think there was one with talking animals. Or some sort of animals that had human characteristics. I can’t remember who’s ad that was though. Home Depot maybe?

2. There was one with a sexy woman. I think she didn’t have all her clothes on, or maybe they were about to fall off. Something like that. I know she was definitely trying to act sexy though. I was in the other room getting a beer, so I didn’t see this one. I think that ad was for Viagra or something.

3. There was definitely one that was related to football. I think that there were people playing football, then something funny might have happened? Something funny happened, or something dramatic that brought a tear to your eye. Yeah, I think that’s what happened. I’m pretty sure that ad was for Visine.

4. I think there was one with a big name superstar. Maybe Britney Spears? Or Hilary Duff? One of those hip girls all the people love. I think that ad was for Chik-fil-a. I didn’t see the end of the commercial because I was finishing a beer.

5. There was an ad that was patriotic. It had like nice music and maybe some slow motion? There were definitely people crying in this commercial. I think a puppy died? Maybe not, I can’t remember. The pigs-in-a-blanket had just come out of the oven so I only saw this commercial out of the corner of my eye.

6. There was the soft drink commercial that the company wanted everyone to remember. They planned it out and they waited for the best time. I think the first commercial of the game. It was quiet, then something funny happened, then the person (or maybe a monkey?) drank some Tab, held it up, smiled and winked at the camera. That was my favorite commercial. I love Tab.

The Birds

Since Pittsburgh is just a short drive away, one might think I’d be rooting for the Steelers to win this weekend. Not true. Why you ask? Because when I was in Seattle I went to a Seahawks game. That’s pretty much all it takes. I saw them play once in their stadium, so I want them to win. Stupid I know, but I also think that Steelers fans are annoying. Which is also a reason for me to root against them. More annoying than Eagles fans when we don’t suck? Not even close. This post sucks.

Are you sick of the below post yet?

Outted!

Well, last night my good friend G.W outted me. After he tagged me last week I thought we were friends. Apparently not. He told the whole world I'm addicted to oil. My addiction started out harmless. Oil was just something I drank on the weekends with my friends...


Then, a guy I had been hanging with told me you get a better high if you snort it. So I gave it a try...



the rush was amazing, but after a while I needed more. I started shooting it and became addicted...



But, now that the pres has done this intervention, I'm seeking help. James Frey gave me the name of a good place.