My pride and joy

I have a lot of things in my life to be proud of, to brag about, to tell my grandkids about (when i have them in like 120 years). Number one on that list is my immune system. I have one of the world's best immune systems. It's probably better than yours, so don't even try to say yours is better. Titso has been sick for the past 3 days and my immune system is like "screw that shit, I'm keeping Tim healthy." It's fighting hard right now, but it's gonna win the battle. No doubt. If my immune system and your immune system had a boxing match I'd probably win by knockout in the 5th round. Yeah, it would take 5 rounds, but I'd just be toying with you. My immune system like to fuck with people like that.

Hell Yeah!!

I'm working from home today and coming up next on the Tony Danza show: Carrot Top!

This is shaping up to be the best day ever!!

Question

Is anyone else out there wearing underwear that’s a size too small and squeezing their package? Because I am.

P.S. I’m not quite sure when my blog became nothing more than boobs, penis and butt jokes… but I don’t think I’ll ever go back.

WOOOHOOOOO!

My new laptop came in today! It will take up to a week to get it configured, but soon enough... No more waiting 45 minutes for it to start every morning! No more hanging when I have more that 2 things open! No more 10 second delay on clicking things! No more herpes!

Celebration Day!

Today at work is a new phony thing called celebration day. No bad things are to be talked about and we have 2 hours of meetings to suck up to each other. We have free coffee and bagels in the lobby and a popcorn maker and free soda in the cafeteria. And blow jobs. Free blow jobs in the copy machine room.

Do you guys watch The Real World? No? Then I guess you don't watch Road Rules? Then I guess you don't remember Jake from Road Rules Islands. I thought spending 2 hours making starburst porn for a blog post was impressive, but in his latest blog he spent about $50. Check out his blog, he's funny. Plus his blogs usually contain nudity. And we all know you can't beat funny nudity...

Reason #986 that my pending marriage is a miracle

A while back my brother used to have a Christmas party every year. Or more accurately, a keg party a few days before Christmas. His best friend had a female roommate who would come to these. She was smokin' hot. About 4 years ago she was at the party and early in the night we were flirting from across the room. Being that I’m a big pussy, I just sat there and watched guy after guy unsuccessfully hit on her. Eventually I got the balls, started talking to her and in at the end of the night offered her a ride home. I offered the ride, but let her know my car was a mile away so we had to walk there first. She was more than willing to make the journey, so I was pretty sure I was gonna score. I drove her home, one thing led to another and we were in her bed necking, kissing, and doing some heavy petting. At about 5:30am she looked at me and said, “What are you thinking right now?” A combination of tiredness, alcohol, and horniness made me foolishly blurt out what I was actually thinking, “Are your boobs real? Because you’re so skinny and they’re so big and firm.” Ten minutes later she was on her sofa reading and I was driving home.

Moral of the Story: She was a bitch.

Happy Easter

Have a good weekend everybody. Take this test, let me know how you did. My cool level was 96%..

Cool Test

Bizzaro World?

Do you guys remember that episode of Seinfeld where Elieen becomes friends with that group of guys who are exactly like Jerry, Kramer and George? Have you ever wondered if there is another group of bloggers out there just like us? Like maybe there’s someone with a blog that really loves Willy Wonka, except that girl spells her name Kate and her blogging sister is Julia? And then there is girl who’s blog is called something like the yellow shoes diaries? And maybe in that group of bloggers there’s a really spastic guy named Dominic? And a blogger who calls herself the pink dog? There’s an inconspicuous attack frog, a future ex husband, a butt chronicles, and eyeliner feminism? And then there is someone just like me who has no friends, but a huge penis.


(I apologize I don't have enought time right now to come up with a bizzaro character for everyone. Feel free to create your own.)

MORE BIZARROS

Grey the rich and tres succesful film director, Burfickle who loves the tomatoes, Alex the snorkler, brady and lady, PooPoo man and Oh Average One, The Apathy of Ally, Dylan who was born in Vegas and moved to Philly, Blog Whore, and ligerita.

***
Also, The Dry Noodle, televisiongoerjuan, and nononsense.

**


That group of bloggers would be the 2nd coolest bloggers in the world. 1st is the political bloggers, we'd be in 3rd place.

I hate the Nanny! Make sure she hears that.

Has anyone seen that commerical? I don't watch the Nanny, but might have to start. I love hatred.


UPDATE!!

This is the offical post to change your name in the comment field and say whatever you want about other people. Such as Jootastic smells.

Sometimes I steal

First I stole the Interviews from Brandyland, now I’m stealing this. She decided to play blogmatchmaker. Assuming every one of her readers were single, she decided who should hook up with each other. Now, I do the same for my readers.


CaCa and OGO – You are already perfect for each other, no change there.
UPDATED!
Lint and Tigertia – You both live in the UK, so therefore, you should reproduce.
Tigerita and Tim - Both our names start with "Ti", so does the word "titty". Coincidence, I think not.
UPDATED!
Dick and Chick – You know you want each other.
Chick and Tim - Maybe they don't want each other, but I know they both want Tim. Only Chick gets to have him.

Candi and Blog Ho – You both have screwed up minds. I don’t know why I associate with you.

Cate and Tim – I’ll be your IT geek. Forever and ever.

Pink kitty and Tim – Our babies would be the best swimmers in the world. Like my little boys already are.

Nique and Tim – Just because.

Alekx and Tim – Sometimes you scare me, and sometimes I like it.

Burfica and Tim – A lot of times you scare me, and a lot of times I like it.

Future Ex and Tim – I’d rock your world then we’d fight about how badly I rocked your world.

Ali and Tim – Our baby would be born with a beer in his hand

Jootastic and Tim – Our babies would be smelly.

MarisaHatesYou and Tim – We’d elope UPDATED! Then we'd do tiwce since we're both from Philly

Dylann and Tim – We’re both from Philly, so, basically, we were meant to be.

Every girl from the Ass Chronicles and Tim – My ass plus your asses would kick ass

Every girl from Mascara Feminism and Tim – Just because
UPDATED
Sweetlethe and Tim and JustCassa - I can't think of one of you without thinking of the other of you... in bed... with me...

To all the rest of the guys who read this blog, sorry, there’s not enough girls to match you up with.



UPDATED!!

Kayde and Tim - I used to read your blog until you went away. We need to get back in touch. No, don't touch me there. Touch me there. Yes. That's nice.

Worst Hobby Ever?

New guy in the cube across from me has a giant (I’m talking like 5 foot by 5 foot) dry erase map of the Atlantic Ocean/Florida area. He has the day by day tracking of every coastal storm of the past year. I think everyone in the office has been kind of avoiding it like the plague. Someone just broke down and asked him about it. He went into detail about how fascinating it was how some of the paths of the storms were identical and blah, blah, blah. I need to find a link that plays the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard because I’d much rather listen to that right now.

Adios Amigos

When I started this blog 5 months ago (to the day) I started it as a creative outlet. I never thought I’d like writing and trying to be creative as much as I do. In the back of my mind I knew that my main goal was to spark a creativity that would lead to me writing a book. So, I’m quitting the blog to concentrate on that. I’ll stop by every so often to check in and let you know how things are going, but my constant updates are now finished.

Thanks for reading, check ya later.

I'm Rich Bitch!

So, last night I won a free poker tournament. Sunday I got 2nd place in a tournament. So, I’ve made a total of $85 playing free poker in the past 48 hours. At this rate I’ll be a kazillionaire by the end of the month. The down side of becoming a kazillionaire is not getting home until 1am on weeknights. The downside of not getting home until 1am is being late for work the next day. The downside of being late for work is, well, nothing as far as I can tell.*


Anyone ever been to Italy or the French Rivera? If not, please do so, then come back and tell me how they were. ASAP. Thanks.



* For getting dooced purposes, I am staying late to make up the time.

Pesky MJ

A few weeks ago someone came to my site through some sort of site meter that I can’t remember what it was now. But through that site I noticed my blog was the 14th ranked blog in philly. I tried to see if any of the ones above me were any good, so I’ve been reading the Pesky’Apostrophe: Better than an unexpected period lately. It’s pretty good, check it out.

Being that I’ve never actually had a period, I’m going to have to argue that apostrophes are worse than an unexpected period. Have you ever had your last name have an apostrophe in it? Well, I have. It’s annoying. An unexpected period comes once a month at most, and apostrophes annoy me 365 days a year. My work email address has the apostrophe, yet 100% of internet forms asking for an email address don’t accept an apostrophe. If someone needs to look up my name, it’s a guarantee it’s in the system without the apostrophe if they’re looking for it with and vice versa without. Annoying!

ANYWAY, today AP posted a blog about how the court artists must be having a ball with the Michael Jackson trial and how fun it must be to draw him. Made total sense to me, so I tried to draw him. Pretty identical if you ask me.




http://img88.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img88&image=mj4wl.png

Seriously?

How am I supposed to follow the incestuous Starburst Porn? I got nothing. I hope you still love me. I hope you'll still make love to me.

Boring impcomlete thoughts (and misspelled)

I've been trying to make template changes, but blogger keeps erroring, so if link don't work, there are spelling mistakes, or if anything I write isn't entertaining, blame it on blogger.

I'm getting married 8/26. This year. Big mistake, or great decision? Either way, it will all be over in 5 months. (I'm so romantic!)

I've decided that during our first dance I'm going to shove titso aside and do the Napoleon Dynamite dance.

I saw Super Size Me on Friday, are you supposed you crave a Big Mac as much as I do after watching that?

I started watching Spring Break Shark Attack last night and I'm pissed I didn't watch the whole thing. It was riveting.

Some Clarification

OK, so I know there was a little bit of controversy here the other day. I want to set straight what I meant in my original post. The only way I could do that was by illustrating it. So, please read and I hope you understand I meant no harm. (all pics can be clicked on to enlarge)


I just found out Rosie O’Donnell has a blog.



I bet if my blog



and Rosie’s blog got married and had babies


it would produce a blog with a lazy eye or two heads or three arms.



If me, Rosie, and Chris O’Donnell had a three-way baby session,



the baby would star in a movie as an ambiguous, bad blogging sidekick to a much cooler blog.



If me, Rosie, Chris and Steve O’Donnell had a foursome, we’d produce a funny baby.



He’d be funny because he would have two wieners.



If me, Rosie, Chris, Steve and Jennifer Love Hewitt had a ménage-a-cinco, I’d TOTALLY ignore Rosie, Chris and Steve.



And me and Jennifer Love would Get. It. On.



Then Rosie's friend would show up to entertain her. We'll call her, oh I don't know.. Pammy...



And we'd all live happily ever after.

Happy Green Day!

I just had my first ever green beer. It tasted like Miller Lite. I was considering going to the gym after work today but I decided St. Patrick would punish me with liver cirrhosis or however you spell it, so I think I'll just go get really drunk instead.

I need good music

Last year my brother got married and my mom made this really nice slideshow with pictures of him and his wife growing up and put it to music. Since I'm the good son, my mom came to me for the music to put to it. Well, now I'm getting married and my mom doesn't trust my brothers enough to come up with music so she's asking me to do it for myself. Also looking for a song to dance with her to at the wedding.

So, I need some good, semi-romantic, cool music. Here's the music I used for his wedding slideshow:
Loves me like a rock – paul simon
The way you look tonight – sinatra
I would walk 500 miles - A local Irish band's version, not the Benny and Joon or whatever movie it was from's version.
My Song – Moulin Rouge soundtrack
Girlfriend – Matthew Sweet
I’m beginning to see the light – bobby darin (Swingers Soundtrack)
What a wonderful world – Louis Armstrong

I like Bobby Darin a lot and I think Beyond the Sea is going to be our wedding song. I'm really into the Garden State soundtrack, but I think all those songs border on depressing. I need good music people!!

P.S. Sorry for the non-controversial, non-penis, non-ass, non -starburst porn post.

A boy can dream...

I just found out Rosie O’Donnell has a blog. I bet if my blog and Rosie’s blog got married and had babies it would produce a blog with a lazy eye or two heads or three arms.

If me, Rosie, and Chris O’Donnell had a three-way baby session, the baby would star in a movie as an ambiguous, bad blogging sidekick to a much cooler blog.

If me, Rosie, Chris and Steve O’Donnell had a foursome, we’d produce a funny baby. He’d be funny because he would have two wieners.

If me, Rosie, Chris, Steve and Jennifer Love Hewitt had a ménage-a-cinco, I’d TOTALLY ignore Rosie, Chris and Steve.

What did the hand say to the face?

SLAP!

3 days till Charlie Murphy comes to my hometown. I have no idea if this link will work, but the Charlie Murphy True Hollywood stories are the funniest thing on television. I can't wait!

Funnier than me

I generally don't like to divert any attention away from myself, but I was just out of my chair laughing at Blog Ho. I literally had to get up and walk away because I was uncontrolable. I'm so jealous.

Kick off your sunday shoes

A while back I contemplated which movie character I would like to be if I had a choice. While Marty McFly made a strong case for himself, Jessica Simpson’s boobs won out. Today I contemplate which singer I would like to be.

Contender number one: Kenny Loggins. What do the hit movies Caddyshack, Top Gun, Footloose, and Caddyshack II* all have in common? All their theme songs were sung by none other than K. Logg. At the height of his career he was the biggest soundtrack artist in the world, and could rock the beard like none other. Chicks dig soundtrack artists**, and chicks dig beards***. He surely pulled tons of tail.

Contender number two: Prince. 22 positions in a one night stand. Need I say more? I’ve tried it. It made me sleepy. It made him sound cool as hell.

Contender number three: David Hasselhoff. Stone. Cold. God.

And the winner is: I think you saw this coming. Jessica Simpson’s boobs. Can't beat them, may as well be them.

In keeping with tradition, which singer would you be and why?


*not a hit movie
** not really
*** not that I know of

Did I say hanky panky yesterday?

I apologize.

My posts are getting shorter and shorter.

I apologize.

Riverdog Poker is gaining popularity. But I forgot the camera again.

I apologize.

I just farted.

I apologize.

Did the Irish invent time?

If not, what's up with "o'clock"?

Could you imagine the Starburst hanky panky that would take place if I had some of these?

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

a match made in heaven

Although I'm sad I've lost all my recent comments, I think haloscan and I will get along. I would appreciate it if everyone that has commented in the past 13 days could go back and recomment exactly what you said the first time. Thanks

Tim

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Dear Tim,
If you don't write something funny or interesting soon I'll dump your ass.

-Blogger

PS. You're my bitch

Dear Blogger,
Are you going to fuck with me again today? I'll dump your ass. I swear to God I will.

Tim

PS. I love you.

Worst day ever for blogger?

I think so.

First the twin towers, now this

According to published reports Russell Crowe was a target of an al-Qaida kidnapping plot. My previously unpublished side job is a spy and I'm going to reveal other plans al-Qaida hatched:

• Pamela Anderson's breast implants were going to be popped.
• That guy from Who's the Boss was going to be given a talk show (oops!)
• That show with the blind detective was going to be canceled
• Look Who's Talking Now Too was in development
• John Travolta's career was going to be sabatoged to go in the dumps then be revived with another "come back" movie
• Ashton Kucher was going to Punk Tony Blair

Need Help? I'm here for you

In 1997 I was arrested for DUI. I was at a friends party and foolishly decided I needed to go see my girlfriend and was pulled over for speeding. My blood alchohol level was .23. Yeah, I was wasted. Anyway, it’s 8 years later now and I just realized I never completed my community service. I was 5 minutes short. So I’m going to perform it here.

My community service will be to offer advice… I’ll be your Dear Abby of sort. Have you recently broken up with a boyfriend and need advice on how to cope? Ask me. Are you having trouble getting that pesky wine stain out of your underwear? Let me know, I can help. Lost a finger and can’t find it? I’ll locate it for you. Let me know what you need… I need to do 5 full minutes of work to get my license back. Thanks!

Morning Glorious

This morning I learned you can get really high by eating between 100 and 500 seeds of the flower Morning Glory. I wonder how the hell someone figured that out. Trial and error I can only assume. So, I went out to Home Depot and bought a bag of grass seed and downed about 700 of them. I'll let you know what happens later.

Weather report

Yesterday - 66°F

Today -Snow Showers 17° F


WTF?!?

can't wait!!

Two months from today I'll be flying home from Ireland where I'll be playing lots of golf , drinking lots of pints, doing no work, or thinking about other shite.

come on Tim, think of something to write dammit. Think of something. think. think. think. of something. dammit. something. of. think. something!!!! nothing.

Metrosexual vs. Heterosexual

I just had fun shopping... metro - 1, hetero - 0

at Home Depot... metro - 1, hetero - 1

for flowers and vegetables... metro - 2, hetero - 1

which I will be grilling during the summer... metro - 2, hetero - 2

then I got a hummer on the way home.* metro - 2, hetero - 3



*bold faced lie

Problem? Or maybe I just rule!

I just looked at a calander and realized in the 28 days of February I had 4 or more drinks 20 of those days. 16 of which were back to back to back to back...

That's hot

What kind of girls are dancing at this strip club that makes a guy want to do this?!?!?

Current Wedding Plans

• The reception will be held in my backyard. All 0.25 acres of it.
• BYOB
• Choice of Beef or Chicken - (McDonald's hamburger happy meal, or chicken nugget happy meal. NO cheeseburgers. NO milkshakes) Limited to the 1st 15 guests. Other guests BYOF.
• Anyone that wants to dance will have to bring their own ipod or other personal listening device.
• Flowers will be paper cut outs and will be provided by the kindergarten down the street.
• If you want to sit down at all, bring your own chair.
• We will be making our own cake. Actually, cupcakes. With no icing. Icing is too expensive.
• If you are invited, your invitation will be arriving in the mail shortly. Check your inbox. We can't afford stamps.
• You can back your truck into our driveway. That makes it easier for us to unload all the cash you'll be giving us.

5 Questions

I got this from Branshine. I don't do these blog questionaires too often, but I thought this one was cool. My questions won't be as good as her's, but I'll try.


Now, here are the rules for this Blog-a-thon. I'll offer to interview the next three (or so) people to respond to this post that will follow these rules:
1. Leave me (Tim) a comment saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions here. They will be different questions than the ones below.
3. You will update your blog/site with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

My Interview:

1.What was the last lie that you told and why did you tell it?
Four days before I asked titso to marry me we got into an argument about wanting to get married. We never fight, especially about that. She was getting upset and I lied and told her I wasn’t ready and she would have to wait until I was. I ordered the ring 3 days before that fight.
2. If you had to choose between a never being able to laugh again or never crying again which would you choose and why?
I’d never cry again. I’d have no fun on this blog, and I’d hate life if I couldn’t laugh. Plus, I never cry anyway… except to things like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
3. If you were in love with a person that contracted a deadly disease (not one you could catch though) would you want that person to tell you they were dying?
Yes, I’d want to know. I take life, and people, for granted. Knowing something like that would crush me, but it would make me enjoy my time with them, and would probably rollover to others too.
4. If we are destined to turn into our parents, which parent would you be and why.
Tough one. Both my parents are awesome. I guess I’d go with my mom. There are one or two things my dad has done in life that I wouldn’t want to do.
5. If you could change the outcome of any event in your life to date, what would you change and why?
In the beginning of my freshman year in college I was interested in two different girls (just hanging out with them). About a month into classes I hooked up with one of them on a Thursday night. The Friday night after we first hooked up the other girl dragged me home from a party and wanted to hook up. I told her I was interested in the other girl and that we had just hooked up the night before and I didn’t want to hurt anyone, so I left and went back to the party to meet up with the 1st girl. We ended up dating for 3 and a half years. If I could go back, I’d have waited and hooked up with the other girl first. I didn’t know until the spring she had such awesome hoo-ha’s.

Hello

I'm Johnny Depp. I do everything in my power to look ugly, but chicks still love me.