In 1997 I was arrested for DUI. I was at a friends party and foolishly decided I needed to go see my girlfriend and was pulled over for speeding. My blood alchohol level was .23. Yeah, I was wasted. Anyway, it’s 8 years later now and I just realized I never completed my community service. I was 5 minutes short. So I’m going to perform it here.
My community service will be to offer advice… I’ll be your Dear Abby of sort. Have you recently broken up with a boyfriend and need advice on how to cope? Ask me. Are you having trouble getting that pesky wine stain out of your underwear? Let me know, I can help. Lost a finger and can’t find it? I’ll locate it for you. Let me know what you need… I need to do 5 full minutes of work to get my license back. Thanks!
16 comments:
um, Hi, I'm Cate, long time reader, first time commenter (not really) - but since I've become a blogger, I find myself obsessed with blogging and when something happens to me, I always wonder WWBD - what would (a) blogger do? and how can I make this funny and blog it?
Is there something wrong with me?
How can I cut back on my blogging?
hello cate, welcome.
There is nothing wrong with you. One of the key elements of being a blogger is turning mundane life experiences into entertaining blogs. You have no need to cut back your blogging. In fact, do more.
ok, thats 37 seconds down. 4 minutes and 23 seconds to go.
Hi Pink Kitty. Thanks for sharing.
My best advice to you would be to join a circus sideshow act as a sword swallower. I would venture to guess a lot of cool stories would come from that.
3 minutes and 52 seconds to go.
Dear Tim,
AM I blogging to much? Is it taking up to much of my life?? My 8 year old will do something funny or embarassing and say. "MOMMY YOU BETTER NOT PUT THAT IN YOUR BLOG" or if his father does something the 8 year old tries to convince me to blog about it. Is this to much blogging??? What can I do??
Sincerly,
Blgger delima
Blgger delima,
This is a common issue with bloggers. The answer is simple. Tell your loved ones to get a life. Or get a blog.
Tim
3:08 to go.
Dear Tim,
**sob**
Is it so wrong to sit and lust over someone else's blog. To fantizie that my blog should be as cool or as snazzy or as snarky as the one I covet.
Or maybe it's just my hormonal fantasies about an engaged blogger buddy...
Opps that was my outside playgroud voice
Please help me not to covet others blogs..I think that's like in the 10 commandments or something.
Dear Tim,
Recently a wise blogger told me that I was " running from becoming conscious of your erotic animality." Can you tell me how I can become conscious or this animality? Also do you have a cure for crabs?
Thanks,
Itchy in Santa Fe
Hi Abby, I'm Martin.
I've always wondered, what exactly is a fnord?
Cheers
well, this is something i've often thought about but never really had the oppurtunity to discover. until this morning. so please, for the love of god...what DO you do with a drunken sailor? an answer in the next, oh, 45 seconds would be greatly appreciated.
Alekx - It's ok to covet thy neighbor's blog. It makes you strive to blog better. And it makes you stronger.
2:41 left in my community service
itchy - You can become conscious of the animality by setting an internal alarm clock in your head to wake you at approximately 3:30am, when your dreams are in thier peak. Crabs can be cured with some old bay seasoning
1:07 left
Martin - a Fnord is the same thing as a nord. The F is silent.
:28 seconds left
iat - With a drunken sailor you first take a splintered baseball bat, a dried rose, and a roll of duck tape then you
sorry, time's up.
If you need more help I charge $42.50 and hour for advice. Plus .05 for each word I type.
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
what are you trying to do? ruin my life and make me look like a friggin idiot?!
oh great...now he's eating all my steak.
i swear...one day n.d. will stop being funny. just not this day.
no, napoleon dynamite will never stop being funny. never.
times up?! i didn't even know all of this was occurring.
*pondering* what did i do yesterday?
nique,
You were sitting at work answering phones wishing you had a better job.
Please send me my check for $43.15.
Tim
vagina.
Post a Comment