Blogging is bo cool

Did anyone out there ever grow up using a word, only to later find out it’s not actually a word? Bo was that word for me. I grew up in a not so small town of about 20,000 people. Everyone where I grew up, in my generation, used the word bo. It basically meant very or extremely. A typical use would be “Did you see Return of the Jedi yet?” “Yeah, Ewoks are bo gay.” Through my childhood, grade school, and high school, bo was just a part of my vocabulary. When I went to college I used it and was ostracized. I quickly learned not to use it, but when with my friends I grew up with I still use it.

In another example, my mom use to use the word gihugeic. As in a combination of gigantic and huge. Even at the age of 5 I knew that wasn’t a word. I still remember when I was about 12 years old she came home one day and told a story about how she used the word and someone told her it wasn’t a real word. She was bo shocked. She went to the dictionary and looked it up in disbelief. Actually thinking about it now, she was kind of a pioneer. Combining two words, such as web and log, is the new thing to do.

Anyway, my reason for telling this is I’ve decided to start using bo as a part of my regular vocabulary again. I’m also thinking about making up other words that just make sense to me. Things that are really dull and boring will be during. Hmmm, that doesn’t work. Things that are tiny and small will be tall. Dammit! I’ll work on this and come up with something…

Tis the Season to be Raunchy

If you stumbled upon this blog, or if any of my loyal readers are easily (or even not so easily) offended, please click next blog and do not return to this post.

Still reading? Of course you are… before I started writing this blog there were very few creative things I’ve done that I was proud of. A few romantic things I’ve done throughout my life and my starburst porn lead the list. About 2 Christmas seasons ago my friend and I started telling “your momma” type jokes in the form of Christmas jingles. An example of one my friend wrote was:

Hark, the herald angels sing.
When is my phone gonna ring?
Mrs. OD, please call back.
I left my lighter in your crack.

After several of these one-liners back and forth to each other, I started my own version of “Twas the Night Before Christmas.” In an amazing 10 minute spate of creativity, the entire poem spurned from my fingers in easily the most dirty, and what I think is funny, thing I’d ever written. So, read, enjoy, and you’ll certainly never look at me in the same light again… my pride and joy:


twas the night before christmas and all though my place,
people were cumming on mrs johnson's dumb face, *
the stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
as we banged her from behind and pulled on her hair,

The children were nestled all snug in thier bed,
while visions of susans boobs danced in thier heads
I wiped my cum with a 'kerchief, and then took a nap,
I crouched over her face and then took a crap

when out on the lawn arose such a clatter,
I pulled out my cock and on her face i did splatter,
away to the bathroom I flew like a flash,
mrs. johnson got up and stole all my cash,

fuck harder! fuck faster! in my throat please cum!
boy my son Bill, isn't he dumb?
no life and no friends, can't you just see?
his roommate won't even let him watch his tv. **

and then in a twinkling I heard on the roof,
someones cock knocked out her front tooth,
as I drew in my hand and was turning around,
down the chimney mrs johnson came, with a bound.

she was covered in cum from her head to her foot,
and her clothes were covered in my ass' soot.
a big black dildo she had shoved up her crack,
she looked like a crack whore just looking for smack,

cum in her eyes and in her ears how merry,
its been a long long long time since someone busted her cherry.
her mouth was full of it, just like a ho,
on her chin cum so white it looked like the snow,

she was chubby and plump, kinda looked like an elf,
And I laughed when I saw her, in spite of myself,
a wink of her eye and she was giving me head,
and with no teeth left I had nothing to dread.

she spoke not a word and went straight to work,
I filled up her ass, she finished me with a jerk,
and lying my cock right on her nose,
and licking the knob, up the chimney she rose,

she hailed down a taxi when she gave out a whistle,
he saw her and drove off, away like a missle,
but I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
"MRS. JOHNSON'S A WHORE, AND BANGS HER MEN RIGHT!!!"

* The names have been changed to protect the innocent

** denotes inside joke. If you wish to use this poem on your christmas cards this year, you could probably change that line to something along the lines of "I changed all the locks, and didn't give him a key"

I'm takin it back, I'm takin it all back

I never changed my template, yet it's showing this gay one with the lighthouse. I just changed it back and it's still showing this incorrect template. Blogger.com blows. Disregard my kind words from yesterday.

I tip my 40 to you

So, it being Thanksgiving time and all, I thought I'd give shout outs to everything I'm thankful for... even though 95% of the things I thank will never know it, here it goes:

• To Mr. Miller and the good people of Milwakee, Wi. Thank you for making a good beer. A very good beer. I tip my 40 to you.
• To my annoying crackhead cat, fawn. Thank you for greeting me at the door everyday night with your squeaky, non-relenting voice. It makes me feel loved. I know your brain is only the size of a pea, but you make me smile. sometimes. Thank you for having a snaggle tooth, it's funny. Thank you for giving me massages, and for cuddling up with me to sleep. I tip my 40 to you.
• To TITSO. Thank you for putting up with my lazy ass. You make me smile, you make me laugh. I tip my 40 to you.
• To internet porn. Thank you. Just thank you. I tip my 40 to you.
• To blogger.com. Thank you for making me a happier person. I've next blogged my way into a group of people that are constantly making me laugh and making me want to be funny, even when I feel I'm not. My creativity outlet was non-existant a few weeks ago, and now, even while on my home computer, I sometimes blog instead of look at porn. sometimes. To my amazing circle of bloggers. I tip my 40 to you.
• To the Philadelphia Eagles. Thank you for being 9-1. Thank you for T.O. I know you're only setting me up for a let down and when that happens I'll want to smash this 40 over my head. Until then. I tip my 40 to you.
• To ABC. Thank you for Lost and Desperate Housewives. Finally a few non-reality shows worth watching. I tip my 40 to you.
• To the guy at the coner store. Thank you for the 40. I just tipped it all out. May I have another?
  

Mr Short Term Memory II

So... I was having a problem with my Internet Explorer, so our desktop IT guy came to my desk for about 2 hours. He ended up having to kill out and reset my hardware profile. In doing so, all my internet history was deleted. In the 45 minutes since I've been back up I've clicked on my internet history about 15 times. Besides blogger.com, I can't even remember what websites I waste my 8 hours a day on. I'm so dumb and stupid I'm dupid.

Mr. Short Term Memory

Besides the whole tattoos and looking for my wife's killer, I think the movie Memento may have been written about me. Every morning when I come into work I go through my list of blogfriends to see who’s updated their blogs. This in of itself is stupid because most of the blogs I read are written by people in other countries (like California and Arizona) where they aren’t even awake yet, let alone blogging. So I go down my list of blogs and see one blog after the other looking exactly like it did the last time I checked it. By the time I’ve checked 3 or 4 blogs I already forget which ones I just checked and wind up checking all the blogs like 4 times before convincing myself there’s nothing new to read. Then I get depressed and force myself to do work… for about 5 minutes before checking to see if they’re awake and writing yet. Why did I ever get involved in this…

Today at lunch I finished reading Animal Farm. It took me 27 days to read a 128 page high school book. Someone should perform a mercy killing on me.

buy me stuff?

First person to buy me this or this or this will be my best friend.

Mission Accomplished

My goal for today was not to write anything good, but to find a new blog. My stomach and cheeks hurt from laughing uncontrolably at my desk (and laughing without making a sound is not easy.) Go there. now. you will not be disappointed. Distracted by Shiny Objects

A boring stock market rant

So, I own one stock, Sirius Satellite Radio.. I bought it back around March after the whole Janet Jackson thing when Howard Stern started threatening to go to satellite radio. When I bought it my only hope was that he would leave FM radio and come to Sirius which would make the stock boom. Low and behold, that came true. When Stern’s old boss, Mel Karmazin (former CEO of Viacom who turned it from a 10 million dollar company to like a 200 billion dollar company), quit a few weeks before he announced that, I created a second hope…. That Karmazin would come to Sirius. Low and behold, yesterday he became the new CEO of Sirius. Also yesterday Stern gave out 20,000 free radios and appeared on Letterman shamelessly plugging Sirius. Last night, the stock went up 25% in one day, doubling what I bought it at. I’m on my way to becoming rich, right? Wrong. Today Alan Greenspan announces that he thinks the dollar is weak, so the stock market crashes. What I want to know is who ever said he was the be all end all of money matters? He’s like the Michael Powell of money. Plus he’s like 400 years old. He needs to die a quick but incredibly painful death.

Go away

please.

Is it wrong that my preferred method of communication is email? Friends, co-workers, even family sometimes. Email what you want to say, I'll try to come up with an intelligent or witty response. I don't care if you sit 3 feet away from me, email. Don't stop by my desk, I'm not as interesting or smart in person. And God forbid you use the phone to call me, I'm not answering. My brain needs time to adjust to questions, problems, and propositions. Keyboard good. Words bad.

The FCC's gonna take a sh** right on your head

I just want to complain about all the people that complained about the opening sequence to Monday Night Football this week in which Nicolette Sheridan was wearing a towel which she dropped to reveal her back. You people need to chill the hell out. It was a towel. It was a back. We all have them. Every single day I take a shower (except on the weekends, who showers on those??) and never once has my girlfriend or cat complained when I left the bathroom in my towel. One time I even dropped my towel by accident and, while offended, TITSO and snaggle tooth still didn’t complain.

Chairman of the FCC, Michael Powell, went on some show yesterday and said he was “disappointed”, and he “wondered if Walt Disney would be proud.” Well Mr Powell, you want to know what I was “disappointed” in? I was disappointed that Becky White said “no” when I asked her to be my girlfriend at recess in 2nd grade. I was really disappointed in that. But do you see me going on some show to complain? No, not once. Unless you count that time I started that pirate radio station out of my dorm room in college called “WBWH: The Becky White hate station.” And don’t even get me started on Walt Disney. The subliminal messages that are in his movies are what led to my crack and porn addictions at the age of 11. It was either his movies or Becky White. That slut.


A dollar to whoever can name where the title of this post came from.

Working late has it's advantages...

So, today I'm working till 7:30 because I'm going to play in a poker tournament that's right by my work. Being here this late I get the privledge of listening to a Guy Who May Have Had Megaphone Sewed On To His Mouth talk really loud and really nonsensical to Guy Who Doesn't Want To Hear It.
GWMHHMSOTHM: "I'm done with blue fish. I don't eat that shit anymore. And the people who like caviar? They can have that shit. It tastes like shit.
GWDWTHI: "..."
GWMHHMSOTHM: "I'm serious, there's no way I'd eat that shit."
GWDWTHI: "..."

GWMHHMSOTHM proceeds to use the word shit about 30 more times in 5 minutes while GWDWTHI doesn't mutter a single sound. The corporate world at it's finest.

Hot or Not?

Reading through several blogs, including my own, I'm shocked by the type of guys some girls think are hot. I swear I think I'm better looking than most of these guys.
For example, Dominique thinks that David Carr is hot. View here to be the judge. Average if you ask me.
In other blogs, Cate and others have stated that John Cusak is yummy. View here to be the judge. OK if you ask me.
I honestly feel I outshine them both. View here to be the judge. That my friends, is hotness defined.

OK...

I'm gonna act like a GUY for once.

HELLL YEEAH EAGLES! Eagles are fuckin awesome. T.O. (Terrell Owens, not Tim ODonnell) is the coolest and best player in the league. That guy triggers so much fuckin excitement in me I almost get choked up every time they play (minus last week). I don't know what it's like to give birth or to get married, but it couldn't possibly feel this good. Look at the counter on the right... Eagles Super Bowl champs in however many days that says...!!!! FUCK YEAH!!!!

What I learned in HTML classto make my blog cooler...

Nothing much. Except check out the links sections and let me know what you think. I thought I'd try something different from the word link and the button link.
I pulled most people's from thier blogs. Anyone wants anything different, let me know.

R.I.P O.D.B

Over the weekend, the rap community lost one of it's top stars to an "unknown" health problem. Among Ol' Dirty Bastard's, aka. Russell Jones', aka. Dirt McGirt's, aka, Big Baby Jesus', aka. Cyrus', aka. Dirt the Flirt's, aka. Joe Bananas', aka. Ol' Dirt Shultz's lifelong achievments are:

- bringing MTV cameras with him in his limo as he picked up his welfare check.

- Interupting Shawn Colvin's Grammy acceptance speech to announce he was upset for not winning best Rap Albumn because he spent a lot of money on a new suit for the award show.

- Coming up with amazingly bad, unrhyming lyrics:
You can call me dirty, and then lift up your skirt
And if you want some of this dirty, God made dirt and dirt bust yo ass

- Proudly fathering over a dozen children to over a half dozen women

- Proudly backing no charties because he'd rather "just chill out and work on more women and more kids"

- Being arrested for shoplifting shoes, being arrested for threatening a bouncer's life, being arrested for threatening one of the many mothers of his many children's lives, and countless drug arrests


So while the rap community mourns, the rest of us are like, "eh, oh well."

25 more things...

1. I shave my head
2. I’ve never been arrested
3. I got married in vegas 4 years ago
4. and an annulment 3 weeks later
5. I once streaked the campus in college
6. and they still gave me my masters degree last year
7. I haven’t puked since the night of the streak in 1994
8. My first cigarette was at age 17
9. My last cigarette was at age 17
10. I’ve never been on a boat smaller than a cruise ship
11. Rosie O’Donnell is my 3rd cousin (or something)
12. I met her once
13. The last company I worked for crashed at Y2K
14. It was partially my fault
15. I qualified for olympic trials in swimming in 96
16. I’ve applied to be on Survivor, the Apprentice, and Big Brother
17. I’ve had my appendix removed
18. and my tonsils
19. I had braces for 4 years when I was little
20. I’m a landlord for 3 properties
21. I can fix just about anything
22. No I can’t
23. Nothing I just wrote is true
24. I’m just really bored
25. 1 hour till Miller time

My girl wants to party all the time

I've never been to a Pimps N Ho's party. I want to go to one. Who wants to throw one?

Nothing to see here. Move Along.

I don't know what it is about Friday's that I seem to have nothing to say. Nobody to bitch about, nothing exciting to look forward to in my weekend. What I do have to look forward to is all day HTML training on Monday. So maybe on my day off Tuesday (to recover from drinking 15 beers during Monday Night Football) I'll make my blog all cool with big Japanese Anime and music that you have to listen to and buttons you have to click to enter and exit my page. I hear thats what all the cool kids are doing these days!

Nicknames

I've noticed that just about everyone protects thier friends and loved ones with nicknames. So, I've been trying to come up with one for my girlfriend. Here's what I have so far...

- BITCHO (Boyfriend Is Tim, Check Him Out)
- HO (Homegirl O'Donnell)
- SKANK (So Kool And Nice n Kind)
- SLUT (Super Lovely, Utterly Tastey)
- TITSO (Tim's Insanely Terrific Special One)
- ASS (Amazingly Special Someone)

Votes and further suggestions are welcome.

I'mb zick

so, I don't feel so well today, so I'm "working from home". More like I'm logged into my company's network and clicking endlessly on the Next Blog button. Why do some pricks move or remove that button from thier blog? Don't be such a programming hotshot, just leave the stupid button there dick nose. I have yet to turn on the tv, or xbox, so I guess thats a small victory to my self control... right? maybe not. My cat's lying on the sofa next to me, snoring. Yes my cat snores, and yes I'd love to join her in it. But no, duty calls, and so does the next blog button.

100 things out of boredom

1. I’m a middle child
2. 1 older brother
3. 1 younger brother
4. No kids, nieces or nephews
5. My High School and college had the same name
6. LaSalle
7. I swam at both
8. 200, 500, 1650 freestyle
9. My shoulders hurt too much to swim anymore
10. I try to run now
11. but my knees hurt too much
12. Getting old sucks
13. I’m a programmer
14. This was the most recent line of code I wrote S (RSTAT,STAT)=$S('$D(^SC($$^SBLDCCL(%A),%A,%W)):0,1:$P(^SC($$^SBLDCCL(%A),%A,%W),"^"))
15. I’m not even sure what it really means
16. Yes I am
17. 32,000 people work in my company
18. I don’t know them all
19. I’ve been to two foreign country
20. Ireland and Jamaica
21. Twice for both
22. I’ve been to about 18 states
23. PA, NJ, DE, MD, VA, WV, NY, CT, MA, RI, IL, IN, FL, NC, SC, GA, FL, AZ, CA, OR, WA, NV
24. ok, maybe 22
25. I’m 6 feet tall
26. 180 lbs
27. I ran a marathon in 4 hours 6 minutes
28. Faster than Diddy, Oprah, and I think Will Farrel
29. I’ve swam a mile in 16 minutes flat.
30. Faster than anyone I know that’s ever swam a mile
31. Except 1 former team mate
32. I bought a house with my older brother
33. Then sold it to him and moved in with my girlfriend
34. Now we’re house shopping together
35. She rocks
36. someday…
37. Fav book: Green, Grass, Grace
38. Fav Movie: Swingers
39. Fav band: changes daily
40. fav food: pizza
41. favortie alcohol: miller lite
42. cat’s name: Fawn
43. cat’s nicknames: snags, snaggle tooth, snaggle rock, peanut butter, banana, and whatever word crosses my mind when shes in the room
44. I drive a civic
45. I wish I drove a lexus
46. my high school GPA was 2.6
47. my college GPA was 3.0
48. my major was marketing
49. I worked for nabisco my senior year
50. it sucked
51. My first real job was making cheesesteaks
52. it sucked
53. I was once a bank teller
54. $1000 magically disappered (twice) when I was a teller
55. I honestly don’t know what happened
56. I never got fired
57. from any job
58. I play fanatasy football
59. and fantasy baseball
60. I play golf
61. I’m a 15 handicap
62. I play softball
63. I play left center
64. I bat 3rd
65. This is kinda hard.
66. I’m extremely shy in person
67. Unless you really know me
68. Or unless I’m drunk
69. 69, woohoo!
70. I’m an Eagles season ticket holder
71. This blog is the only creative writing I’ve ever done
72. Except an x rated Christmas poem I once wrote
73. I’ll post it after Thanksgiving
74. Sometimes “creative” is pushing it.
75. Sometimes I enjoy my creativity
76. I enjoy some other bloggers’ creativity
77. A lot
78. I didn’t smoke weed till I was 21
79. I did ‘shrooms at 19
80. It’s been 7 years since I did them
81. Right now I’m reading Animal Farm
82. Right now I’m not paying attention to a conference call
83. My first time ever in a casino I won $275
84. I think that’s the most I ever walked away with
85. $200 is the most I ever lost
86. My girlfriend and I once vacationed at Hedonism in Jamaica
87. It was crazy
88. I’m going to Orlando in 5 weeks to golf with my bros and pop
89. can’t wait
90. I can juggle
91. I’ve broken my arm twice and wrist once.
92. I peed my bed once when I was 21
93. It was after a night of drinking the day one of my best friends died.
94. Cystic Fibrosis
95. 5 more…
96. My parents are still married
97. They rock
98. I’ve been in 2 car accidents
99. neither were my fault
100. I swear

Out of the loop

I've hear lots about Tara Reid's surgically mutilated hooters. Who can tell me where to see them? anyone?

Dear Kettle, You are black. Love, The Pot

Lazy people annoy me. This is coming from the person who has been known to skip meals rather than use the brainpower to think of something to eat, or the manpower to actually make it. The lazy people that have been annoying me recently are the elevatorists. I work in a 2 story building with an elevator 10 feet from the lobby stairwell. Last week for some reason there was cake in the lobby and people were taking the elevator to go downstairs to get cake then taking the elevator back up. It's 20 steps, I don't think it'll kill ya!! Take your double sized slice of cake and go build that gut up! fat ass. (Tim is not in a good mood today.)

mmm Starbursts...

So since I couldn't be creative today I thought I'd post a little story I wrote a few years ago... it's really a story of pictures that kinda speak for themselves. When I was little we used to always have Starbursts around the house. I once came up with idea of biting them into the shapes of little people. I busted out a few of these people about 3 years ago and took pictures of the story of thier lives. Here it is!

Once upon a time there was a boy named Tim

And he met the most beautiful girl in the world.

So he took her out to lunch

And then they kissed

Then they got naked

Then they had some fun

Watch that hair!

Tastes like Starbursts

And they lived happily ever after

Feeling uninspired

Almost everyday I come into work and say to myself "Self, you've got nothing to write about today." But boredom eventually leads to creativity. I've been too busy to be bored enough to be creative today. So I figured I'd share a brilliant blog entry I came across yesterday. Enjoy!

Bush: "there'll be changes"

WASHINGTON (AP) -- A new presidential pooch will soon be roaming the halls of the White House.
President Bush marked Laura Bush's birthday Thursday by announcing he would give her a Scottish terrier puppy that is a relative of the current first dog, Barney.

See, this is why I don't understand Bush bashers. He said there will be changes, and he ran out and got a puppy. Thats step one in making USA #1 again!! Happy now? Or are you all puppy haters?

I want a new drug

I want an easy job that pays lots and lots of money. I want a job that's fun. I want a job that's rewarding. My job indirectly helps people, but I don't see it. My old next door neighbor used to fax jokes into the Tonight Show. While I don't think Leno is very funny, a lot of people do. They started using his jokes on a daily basis and evenutally hired him. He moved to LA and became a writer for the Tonight Show. When he moved out there his 12 year old daughter became a hand model. When she turned 16 she bought herself a new car. I embarrassingly watch Americas Next Top Model and I've learned that modeling can be tough. There's such a fine line between "fabulous" and "crap" because its all in the eyes. But for a hand model? Is it all in the knuckles? How nice is life when you are buying a car at the age of 16 because you have pretty hands? Maybe I don't want a more fufilling job. Maybe I just want a SugarMomma. That way I could focus on my true love of Sitting By the Pool While Beuatiful Women Wait on Me Hand and Foot. (who the hell came up with the saying "wait on me hand and foot"??) I'm accepting applications for Sugarmamma and Waiteresses now.

hang on...

Maybe I'm not less interesting than you. Not the few of you that read this, but many of those in blogger world. I've gotten to the point that 80% of the time I click "next blog", I click "next blog" again before the blog even fully loads. I can just tell if I read what showed up that I'd get bored. I guess I should change the name of my blog. Too bad I'm too boring to think of anything else.

validation needed. Unfortunately I have a reeeaaly old digital camera that doesn't pick up details very well. It almost doesn't even look like me.

Indecision 2004

Here's some other things I could use help in deciding:

1) My blog's coolness. Looking at HTML code, its really quite simple. If I had any motivation, I would teach it to myself and I could make this look a hell of a lot cooler than it is. My problem is I'm too lazy. Stay lazy or get learned?

2) Pictures on blogs. Is it better to have a picture of yourself or to let people use thier imagination? I could easily put a picture of myself on my blog, but I'm undecided as to if I like when people show themselves or if its better to always wonder. Is the self proclaimed geek, really a geek? Are all those kitten bloggers really 4-legged felines? To picture or not to picture?

3) Life Goals. I can't decide what obtainable goal I should set for myself. I've run a marathon, done a triathalon, built major projects around the house. I'm bored. I need motivation. Suggestions?

4) Butting In. Blogs are public, yet I have reservations about commenting because I feel like I wasn't invited, so I shouldn't be commenting. Are some blogs better left uncommented on?

I'll be missing you

Well, today is probably my last day of posting. Thank you to everyone who read this blog on a regular basis (all two of you). This whole election thing has put me in quite a bind. I feel that both canidates have such glaring weaknesses that I can't back either with conviction, so I'm not voting (gasp! the horror!) And since P. Diddy has told me to "Vote or Die!" I assume the pack of hungry wolves that has been mysteriously roaming the neighborhood will sniff me out tonight and fulfill Diddy's prophecy. So I'd rather sacrafice myself than participate in the issue that has and will continue to tear this country in two. Damn you Bush! Damn you Kerry! Damn you Diddy!

Weekend observations

- One week after the Ashlee debacle, Eminem proceeded to lip synch his first song on SNL. It was easy to see with the greatest invention of the past 20 years (tivo). I understand you wanted to perform a new politically based song, but the lip synching was weak.. just as weak as that song.

- Surprise parties are extremely awkward for the first 5 minutes.

- Even if 100 kids live in a 5 block radius, they don't trick or treat at the house that was formerly owned by a drug dealer.

- bad invention: the rake.

- good invention: the leaf blower.

- Getting pregnant is the cool thing to do. At least based on my circle of friends it is.

- I have no patience for blogger.com after 10 beers

- The Eagles are the best team in the NFL!!!!!!!!