Dogsitting

YET another romantic post by Tim!

With my wedding just under 2 months away I’ve been trying to think of a nice gift to give Titso on the big day. Since we will have been in our new house for under a month and our only furniture will be a couple of folding chairs and a few egg crates she’s going to get dressed at my parents house so there are nice pictures. My plan is to give a gift to my parents the night before so they can give it to her while she’s getting ready. With it will be a little note that says “I’ve been waiting all my life blah blah blah, I love blah blah blah, you make me blah blah blah, I bought you this little gift for you and it would mean the world to me if you wore it on our special day.” (literally, I’ll write those “blah blah blah’s”.) The gift? I haven’t yet decided and I could probably use your help. My first thought is an eye patch. I think girls who wear eye patches are hot. I was also thinking a nipple ring. She doesn’t have pierced nipples, but I figured she could do something nice for me that day. My third thought was handcuffs. I think some more shiny bling-bling would look nice in pictures. I really want to get her a special gift on the biggest day of her life, I’m just not sure what it will be yet…

Sooo... what are you up to?

* thinks *

* twiddles thumbs *
* goes into brain to look for something to write *
* disgusted by what he sees in brain *
* kinda looks like boobs, but might just be old gum *
* keeps searching for something to say *
* trips *
* hits head on brain *
* passes out *
* dreams about boobs *

Question

What's the most comments you've ever seen on one post? Liz's monday post is far and away the most I've ever seen. That's bo many comments.

Want more hits to your blog?

Write a post about Figging. You'd be amazed.

29975

25 more refreshes until I hit 30K. (20K of which were me). Whoever lands here when it's at 30,000 wins a special prize. That prize is to be determined at a later date.

Everytime I Push Publish an Angel Gets it’s Wings

Every single post I write as soon as I push the publish button I go and reread it. Then I say to myself, “Boy, this one was so stupid. Why do I even bother to write this crap and why do people even post comments? This is going to be one of the ones no one comments on. Man, I need to start thinking of a new post right now so people can read my new post and not have to bother commenting on this one because it’s so stupid. Crap, what can I write about that’s funny? Hmm, maybe I could write about (insert boring topic here). Maybe that would be funny. No, that would be stupid. God I hate blogging. This sucks. Hmm, I wonder if anyone commented on this piece of shit yet. Let me refresh. Nope. Damn, this one sucks. Everyone hates me. Come on Tim, think of something good. Dammit, I need to go cry. Oh wait, someone commented. They love me. They really love me.”

Every. Single. Time.

The New Deal

I had a long talk with my blog this morning and my posts have considered going on strike. They feel there’s too much pressure on them to be good and they’re getting upset. One of them even had to go against my favorite celebrity’s advice and started taking Ritalin. I had them all sit down and list out their complaints and the list was long. Too much pron talk, too much boasting, too little content. They’ve been called names too, which is what hurts them the most. They’ve been called dribble. Babble they could handle. Mostly any other word that ends with “bble” too they said could take. Such as bubble, rubble, or stubble. But I explained to them that none of those words made any sense.

So, it took some smooth talking, some massaging (with happy endings), but I got them to agree to a deal: Free hummers from all my readers. So, if you’ve read this, thank you, and you owe one of my posts a hummer. And any guys reading this, don’t worry, some of my posts are gay.

Memories..

Do you guys remember when I talked about how I'm not perfect? Well, read the previous post, then come back here.

Back? Ok, well, I lied. I am pretty perfect. I played in my monday night poker tournament and won. 20 dollars, 20 people and 4 hours of open bar and I won. Not gonna retire on the winnings, but enough to keep me perfect. God, I love me. Don't you too?

I DO have issues

I believe I’ve been giving off the impression that I’m Mr. Happy Go-Lucky, and that everything in my life is perfect. I only seem to write about how not gay I am, how I can sweet talk a cop out of a ticket or how huge my muscles are. I rarely write about things that are not perfect in my life. Most people vent on their blogs, and it may shock you, but I too have MAJOR issues. I’ve got problems in my life, I’ve had bad experiences in life. I thought I would share some of them with you so I seem more down to earth. More real.

-I have hairy nipples. I hate hairy nipples, so I shave them. But, the hair is relentless and always comes back.
-When I go around corners my car tires make that “Err Errr Err” noise. They need air, but I’m having trouble admitting my tires are not perfect.
-When I was young I had a pet that ran away. It was a turtle. His name was Joe. I loved Joe. In a totally straight, boy/turtle, kinda way.
-That’s all I can think of because I’m pretty perfect everywhere else and I’m only posting this because of peer pressure from funqi and it’s past my time to go home for the day.

Modesty is the best policy

Email from me to IT department: "This project was successfully installed yesterday."

Email from Boss to me: "You're the man."

Email from me to Boss: "I know."

I command you

to go to Oh Great One's blog and write a story with everyone. I love the joint story idea. I'd steal it, but then I'd feel cheap and used and slutty.

I'm a hot chick!

This morning I got pulled over for going 39 in a 25 zone. The cop let me off with just a warning. I knew these breast implants would come in handy at some point.

Straight

I just watched the making of Jessica Simpson's new video. I haven't felt this ungay in years.

Memories

One time when I was little my dad took my older brother and I to go look at new cars with him. We were at the dealership and my brother was doing a dead-on impression of an oriental guy in a Pontiac commercial saying “What does Pontiac know that we don’t?” Then I walked into a telephone pole.

Sometimes I get the urge to write a post with no topic because I think the comments are funnier than the post. So, come on now, I’m waiting…

Baby Don't Got Back

I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I like small butts and I cannot lie.
I like big boobs and I cannot lie.
I like small boobs and I cannot lie.
I like gay sex and I cannot lie.

Ok, you caught me. I lied.

Timotology

Hello and welcome to the Church of Timotology. Sit down. Relax. And take a sip of our holy juice. It tastes like starbursts, and I promise there are no brainwashing chemicals in it like some other fake religions use. Trust me. You can believe me. We’re all friends here. And aren’t we all beautiful? We’re the internet’s most up and coming blogging religion. Our rules here are simple. First, you must be beautiful. The more beautiful, the more accepted you become. Second, you must be, let’s just say… open minded. (aka. simple minded). The more “open” minded you are, the easier it is for the Church of Timotology to brainwash you. Err, I mean, teach you our ways. Our third requirement is that you force-feed our beliefs on every other living human on earth. All must follow Timotology or they will no longer be our friends.


And our beliefs you ask? They are few. We follow the rules of P. Members of the Church of Timotology must love Porn, Procrastination, and Poop jokes. Member are also required to Pleasure themselves as often as possible. So come, P with us. The Church of Timotology is currently interviewing for the role of my future wife when I end my marriage after 9 years, 11 months and 3 weeks.

Home Coming Queen

Titso comes home tonight from her trip. I hope I get some booty. And by booty, I mean pirate’s treasure. Pirates have the best bootys. Which is kinda odd because most good pirates only have one eye or a wooden leg. If I were getting robbed by a guy with one eye I’d just poke him in his good eye. If other people were half as smart as me pirates would be out of business. Sometimes I start to feel bad for dumb people, but then I usual get distracted thinking about booty and I forget about them. Mmmm, I’d love me some good booty tonight.

Nothing exciting

For the past few Mondays, since we got weaseled out of running poker at that one shithole bar, I’ve been going to play poker at a local bar. They have a meatball sandwhich buffet and open bar from 8-12 for $20 and that includes poker. Winner takes home about $100-$150 depending on how many people show up. Last night I got 2nd place, $40, and secured my spot in the “Final tournament” for those that finish with the most points in their point system thingy. That final pot is going to be around $400-$500. Not bad for basically free poker since I’d probably spend more than $20 on beers.

In other news a new guy in my group starts next week. I was somewhat guilted into being his trainer. He’ll basically have to sit with me all day and watch me work. So, I guess I gotta get him all registered in blogger and come up with a blog title for him. I’m thinking “Tim will be fired within a week if I actually see what he does for 8 hours a day.”

PS. I know you're never supposed to blog about work people, but I can't resist it.. the new guy's last name starts with "Tit". HA! yes!

"Special" Interests Day

This friday at work is "Special Interest Shirt or Hat day". We are supposed to wear a t-shirt of somethign we like... sounds retarded, but you gotta love the ads. There are posters hanging around the building and there's a couple of graphic for ideas: A baseball player, a cat, a statue of liberty, and a guy wearing a shirt that says "Drink til you want me". That rocks so hard.

Exhibit A

95 year-old man breaks world record in 100m dash. This guy ran 100m in 22 seconds. And that's newsworthy?? I could beat this guy by at least a half a second, but you don't see any Internet stories written about me, do you?!?!? This is exactly why the Internet needs a swift kick to the groin.

If I ever got into a fist fight with the Internet I wouldn’t hesitate to kick it in the balls.

Having no friends sucks

All my friends have new-borns so my girlfriend free weekend is shaping up to be me, my cat, a case of Corona, internet porn, internet poker, Grand Theft Auto for xbox, and wedding invitations. Don't be jealous.


PS. Figging is a sexual practice involving the insertion of a prepared "finger" of ginger root or even pepper into the anus. The burning sensation is said to induce intense pleasure.

What I learned at Trivia last night...

Without googling it..

Can you answer me this...

Figging is the act of sticking what piece of food up your ass?

Safe at Home!

"thank you for the BEAUTIFUL sunflowers!!!!!!!!!! i love them!!!!!!!! i'm actually in the middle of a major crisis with instruments but wanted to write and say thnkas!~ I LOVE YOU

- Titso"

Back to my ass

Two people have now told me the bruise on my ass is the biggest bruise they've ever seen. I'd take a picture of my ass to show you, but I don't have a camera.

And why have two people seen my ass? Mind your own business will ya?

My laptop keeps 3 weeks of internet history. In the past 3 weeks I've visited 149 different blogs. In the past 3 weeks I've visited 7 different work related intranet pages.

Romance

So, Friday is Titso's birthday. She leaves for St. Louis tomorrow morning for work and comes back next week. So she'll be there alone for her birthday. I didn't get her anything yet. Am I in Trouble? Yes. Yes I am.

My Left Ass Cheek is Twice as Big as the Right

Pervy

Looking at statcounter I'm disgusted by how many of you clicked on my comment about the thong I said I was wearing for my wedding. You're a bunch of perverts. I thought better of you.

Not that innocent

As we found out yesterday Martha Stewart is the only real criminal in Hollywood. This isn’t the first time someone got off for being famous and it’s not the last. Here’s what I see the future bringing us…


Apple Paltrow will be acquitted of murdering her mom.

That guy that plays Frodo will be found innocent of raping a cow.

Robot Federline will get house arrest for the 100 pounds of crack they find on him (And yes, I’m predicting they name him Robot.)

Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette will be voted president after slicing the neck of that stupid mute guy her stupid dad works with.

After curing cancer, aids, and lazy eyes, Titso jr. will be jailed for life for blasphemy after people find the old blog of her long dead father with the word Chlorophyll misspelled in the title.

Bliss

Last night we spent an hour and a half talking (with the gayest man I ever met who’s married to a woman) about flowers for the wedding. It! Was! Awesome! It kinda reminded me of that time when I was 9 years old and my older brother and I got into a fight and he started smashing my head into the concrete floor in our basement. Yeah, it was awesome.

Hooray For Hollywood!!

The below is my tribute to some of the greatest scenes in some of the greatest (and not so greatest) movies of all time. See if you can guess what they all are... most, if not all, are so easy it's almost not worth the time to write out what it is. hope you enjoy though.

(click pics to enlarge)


















I'll be impressed with anyone that gets this one.

Torn

I'm not quite sure what angle to take with this story about a dentist that "allegedly" shot a syringe of semen in a girl's mouth. I was going to write about how the doctor's penis had to have been pretty small to be able to fit into a syringe. Or, I was going to write something about how he called it his "cleaning solution". I couldn't come ("come", he he!) up with anything funny enough, so I thought I'd just share the story instead of writing anything more funny that the actual story is. But I do know that my favorite part of the story is how she immediately knew "the distinct taste of semen." She. Sounds. Hot.

Speaking of April Fools, I can’t remember if I ever told this before, so I’ll just do it again. My mom was having her third child and she really wanted a girl since she already had two boys. (Insert “But Tim, you are a girl” joke here) So, this was back before people found out the sexes of their babies, you know, before gas powered cars and even before Tivo. The doctor knew she really wanted a baby girl, so when she gave birth the doctor said “It’s a girl!” And my mom got all excited and he said “April Fools! It’s a boy.” It actually was April 1st. So my mom killed him. And that’s the story of how I grew up without a mother.

Bad News

Last night we confirmed what we’d been fearing for the past several weeks, Titso will be about 4 months pregnant when we get married. Hopefully she isn’t showing too much and we still have fun.

June Fools! Man… June 10th is my second favorite day of the year to pull pranks like this. I had you going, didn’t I? Good old June Fools Day comes through for me again.

Go ahead, stare if you want

I’m not sure if it’s pride, or because I’m self conscious, but I SWEAR people always look at my crotch. I’ll walk past someone, give them a head nod or a hello and inevitably their eyes fall upon my package. Most of the time I’m bewildered and check for zippers, but today I understand. When I slipped my pants on this morning I realized I had put on my pants with no button. I was too lazy and hungover to change them (note: I had no alcohol last night, but woke up feeling like I was hit by a truck). So, I threw on my t-shirt and left the house. I didn’t realize until I stopped at Panera for a bagel that my t shirt didn’t fully cover the unbuttoned pants. So, I made my way to work and to my desk covering up as best I could and went to work (aka., blogging). A few hours later I went to the bathroom and noticed I had spilled melted butter on my crotch. So, I’ve been walking around all day with my pants undone and a stain on my crotch. I’m so classy.

Self Portraits

This is a picture of me leaving work last night




Then this was me after I went to the gym.




Notice how much bigger my "muscle" got?



PS. If your email address is in your profile and you like movies and want to help me out with something, say so and I'll email you.

Bam Bam and Pebbles

Last night I was on Drunken Stepfather and saw that a radio station in Philly had an interview with MTV’s 2nd most annoying personality’s ex girlfriend. In that interview she claimed that Bam had cheated on her between 25 and 50 times. And all us celebrity sex tape loving people know that he put out a sex tape with her. Neither of these come as a surprise, but what was surprising was that she said Bam banged Jessica Simpson. I don’t believe this for three reasons. First, she’s happily married. Second, if she were banging anyone it would be Johnny Knoxville. Third, any normal guy that sleeps with Jessica Simpson, has a penis, two legs, and a mouth, would totally go Tom Cruise. I’d go door to door from the Jersey shore to the OC, asking people if I could jump up and down on their sofa and scream about how great life is. So, unless Bam knocks on my door, his ex is just jealous. Don’t be jealous Napoleon.

TMI

I was just in the men's room and some dude came out of a stall and turned to me and said "Who do we contact for an emergency?"

Does anybody know the warning signs for alcoholism? I’d look it up myself, but I’ve got a wicked hangover.

In a Rut

About a week and a half ago I thought of a good Starburst Porn post I could do. But, I’m lazy. I’ve been feeling like Quentin Tarantino lately. I wrote and directed a few good projects, but I’ve kind of gotten lazy with my Starburst Porn writing and directing. It’s not as high of a priority as it should be. Last night I was in physical pain because I was so bored. I never once thought to make starburst porn. Tonight I’m playing poker, tomorrow softball, I run poker on Wednesday nights, and I’m sure Titso will want some quality time on Thursday night. This is not the work ethic of one who once strived to have his name go down in the anals of starburst porn history. I often feel I should just become a producer. Dish out the 2 dollars for the cost of production and have someone else do the work. But I’m too much of an imperfectionist. Someday soon I promise to get you some more pron. Someday soon.

I'm not blogging today

Last night I got too drunk to go into work today and one of my best friends had a baby this morning so we're going to go see it... so therefore I will not write anything today. So, stop reading now. Anyway, at the bar last night there was Kinky Quizzo. Guess who won? I don't know some people with the team name of "If she's not choking, she's not trying hard enough." Nice! Anyway, we got second place, so I came home with a new pron dvd, a new dildo, and some bizzare thing that's supposed to be a masturbation helper. It kinda looks and feels like one of those grip things that help you open jars with. When I got home last night I jerked off my dildo while wathing the dvd then passed out.

Time to go tell someone how cute thier new baby is! c ya.

Laa laa laa lalala laa lalala laa lalala laa
Laa laa laa lalala laa lalala laa lalala laa
lalalalalalalalalala
Hey man, look at me rockin out, I'm on the radioooo.



I recently got the new System of a Down cd and everytime I try to think of something to write I just come back to singing this catchy tune. Sorry Jootastic. I had to put up with you not posting for a few weeks, so you're going to have to put up with this shit.

Laa laa laa lalala laa lalala laa lalala laa
Laa laa laa lalala laa lalala laa lalala laa
lalalalalalalalalala

My Dream Wedding

Last night I had my first nightmare about my wedding. The dream started with me waking up all disheveled in my wedding suit. I haven’t yet picked out shirts and ties, but apparently I go with brown shirts with a red tie to go with my blue suit. It was between the wedding and the reception and I had gotten so drunk before the ceremony I passed out and didn’t remember the ceremony at all. I looked at my watch and I was a half hour late for the reception. I wasn’t too scared about that though because there were a lot of other people at this house rushing around getting ready to leave too. From the bedroom I passed out in I saw our limo (Hummer limo) pull up, so I went down to get in it and titso told me she canceled it. In real life we ordered the limo for 4 hours and didn’t tell them it was for a wedding. Every place charges like double for a wedding and gives it to you for an hour less so we’re going to just go the non-wedding upgrade route. Well in my dream Titso said the limo driver wanted more money so she told him to go F himself. Then suddenly tuk-tuks were pulling up taking people to the wedding. I guess watching Miss Universe from Thailand rubbed off on my subconscious. But they kept pulling away before I could get on one. Finally I got on one when I realized my jacket and tie were inside the house, so I had to go back in grab them and wait for another tuk-tuk. I was now an hour and a half late for my wedding reception, still drunk and disheveled, riding in a tuk-tuk alone to my wedding. Then I woke up. I really wish I stayed asleep to see what happened when I got to my reception. I’m sure MC Hammer would have been there or something.