Wild and Crazy Bachelor

Because of fellow bloggers talking about last week's Bachelor, I figured I'd watch it this week. Here's my analysis of the remaining ladies.


Tara - "Hello. My is Tara. I'm crazy. I already have a rose, but I'm going to stalk the bachelor and try to ruin some other girl's birthday. Did I mention I'm crazy?"

Jehan - Jihad is crazy. She was named after a holy war. Nothing spells Crazy like J-E-H-A-N.

Jennifer - I'm not sure I even remember Jennifer being on the show. The only thing I remember about her was that she was crazy.

Sarah - "Helllo, I'mb Sarah. I've been drunking a lot tonight. Pleeze make out widt me? Pleeease kizz me! I'm craaazy!"

Sarah - The only reason anyone remembers Sarah is because she's from the same town as the bachelor. What town you ask? Crazytown.

Moana - I swear they were calling this girl Milania. She's got the "I'm not really interested" act down pat. What I see is "Maybe if I act disinterested, he won't think I'm crazy. But I am."

Shiloh - Again, not too sure this girl was even on the show. Call me crazy, but I swear she was just a camerman that he gave a rose to. (I also think this girl looks just like Filan.)

UPDATE!!

I forgot about this girl...

Susan - I don't know how I forgot about this girl because she's crazy. Crazy hot. She's going to win because she'd the hottest.

1st loser

I promise to write something more entertaining later today (or tomorrow, or Wednesday or Thursday), but for now I will talk about poker. I played yesterday and took 2nd out of 81 players. While that is good, I was chip leader going into heads up (about 4500 to 3600) and I should have won. Blinds were 400-800 by that point so after losing 2800 in the first 3 hands I was a big underdog. The company that runs all the local games in the area announced they’re giving away a free seat to the WSOP main event next year. An $11,000 prize package for playing free poker. Pretty sweet. I need to get better. Unfortunately the Quarterly Tournament of Champions event I qualified for this weekend, I can not attend because I’m going to Florida. (anyone live near Naples?) So, I will not be able to win a free trip to Vegas with private lessons from Scott Fishman. Oh well. I’ll just save up my luck and skills and take home the WSOP. Sorry for the boring poker post.

Goin back to Cali

Who from California wants to hang out? I have to go out to the West Hills/Calabasas area next month for a long weekend. Do I have any readers from that neck of the woods? Is English the main language all the way over there?

Tagged in a Weird place

Joo tagged me with this before I think. Now Rit tagged me, so I'll do it because I have nothing else to write or say right now.

"The first player of this game starts with the topic five weird habits of yourself and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals."

5 Weird habits

1. You know the old saying “he puts his pants on one leg at a time just like you”? Well, I don’t. I hold my pants out in front of me then I jump in them both legs at the same time. Sometimes I miss and fall, but it’s worth it. Someday someone’s going to say that stupid saying to me and I’ll quickly correct them.
2. I go through the same ritual every morning. I wake up then I start brushing my teeth while I pee. I weigh myself, then I measure my penis.
3. When I drive into work in the morning I cover one eye with one hand. I know I will lose one eye someday so I’m just preparing myself.
4. Crack
5. I’m extremely vain. Every time I pass a mirror I need to look at myself in it. I need to take my shirt off and look at myself in it.

It's a sad, sad day for the Internets

The Internets will be Timless today. I've been busy as hell all morning and I've got training all afternoon. The Internets might see Tim tonight, but the Porn Internets will take up most of Tim's time.

If you hate poker and giving money to charity then don't read this

A few weeks ago our building’s Activity Team sent out a survey asking people which of the past year’s activities you enjoyed and asked for suggestions for the upcoming year. The results were then sent out. One person had a write in suggestion of having a charity Texas Hold Em tournament. I saw that and replied to the Activity team that I’d be interested in that as well and since I used to (and kinda still do) have a side job running Hold Em tournaments, I’d be willing to help out. Much to my anti-social dismay, they replied saying they’d love help and they would discuss it at their next meeting. I just received a call and was asked to come to the meeting in 2 weeks to pitch “my” idea.

So, here’s where I’m needing your help. She said they haven’t yet received a budget, so she didn’t know what they’d be able to offer to help. She said all money could go to the charity of the winner’s choice. Is that incentive enough for you to play? How much would you be willing to play for? $5? $10? $20? “My” pitch would be a lot easier if I could get them to agree to give the winner something half decent like premium Phillies tickets, or a nice dinner or something of that sort. If you’re playing for charity, is it wrong to need a prize for the winner, or should the good naturedness of it be enough? Can anyone offer me any suggestions as to what I could do that would make you more willing to play? Anything that might get non-players to donate money?

Why I live in the best state in the Union

More Pennsylvanians have visited my site in the last 100 visits than any other state in the whole entire world. And that’s not even including myself. Why? Because every other state is a pansy ass. Yep, your state, especially Wyoming (0 visits!), is a pansy!

Just like when Columbus discovered America

My normal alarm goes off around 7:30am. I can get dressed and be in the office in a half hour. This morning I set my alarm for 5:45am, went out to my car and listened to the 1st Stern on Sirius for an hour and a half. I just discovered I’m really fucking grumpy today. And that may, or may not, be the reason why.

A lot of things I hear around the office

Make me glad I'm not a nerd.

Hoodie Friday Quiz Time!!

OK, and now, your weekly edition of Hoodie Friday Quiz Time! Today's Quiz:

Can you spot the difference in these two pictures?

The life of a single married man

With Titso on the west coast this week I’ve been left to fend for myself. And what I’ve been fending off all week is the boredom of not much new on tv. So, I’ve gone out to at least one bar a night every night this week to play poker. And I have not touched the pile of dishes in the sink. And I have not touched the pile of laundry stacked to the ceiling. And Titso just called to let me know she caught an early flight and will be home before me today. And I think I’m going to be in trouble.

Winner!

The Employee of the Month for January: Somebody Else.


What the fuck does a guy have to do to get some recognition around here? I worked every damn day last month. Except the holidays and a few other days that I took off. I may as well be a housewife if all my hard work is going to go unnoticed.

A question

With Kym in LA this week I need something to do tonight. I’ll probably play poker again, but I was wondering if maybe you wanted to come over instead? We could open up a bottle of wine. Watch some football. Tell some jokes. We could laugh. We’ll have a good time. So, I’ll see you around 7ish?

Two lists

Reasons I hate making Starburst Porn
1. sticky
2. difficult
3. time consuming
4. usually takes a few weeks to think of things to do
5. I get just as many comments as a post I think up in 14 seconds
6. Makes me somewhat pathetic

Reasons I love making Starburst Porn
1. Its starbursts, and it’s porn.

The best of ohhh 5

What better way to start a year off than with porn? Starburst style. I went through and picked out all my favorite* songs of 2005 and created Starburst representation of them.

You can try to guess what the songs are before clicking on them. Clicking on them brings you to a new window with the answer on them. Hope you enjoy!

* - totally not my favorite songs of 2005. Just the best translated.



































Shout out to imageshack for hosting the pictures in this way.

Fucking Finally!

I finally fucking finished putting together all that fucking office furniture. Fuck yeah!

before:

during:


fucking finally:

I don't want a sad funeral

If this happens to be my last post of 2005, I don’t want your tears. When I move on to 2006 I want you to be happy. Celebrate, don’t commiserate. I don’t want people standing up and giving a sad eulogy remembering my 2005 and wishing I was still around. I want my last post of 2005 to be a party. I lived a happy 2005. I have nothing to regret in 2005. I’ll be in a better place in 2006. Don’t cry for me Argentina.

I need your help

Can you get on this site right now?

meetme.hotornot.com/keyword/starburst


It's blocked from my work, but for some reason I just googled starburst porn* and this came up. I'm wondering if someone stole my porn and claimed it as thier own.


* joo - I'm very touched that you've listed starburst porn as one of your interests in your profile. I can't remember if I ever saw that before.

Bore-a-phil's 2005 in review

I've been doing actual work this mornign, so I didn't think of anything to write. So, I'm stealing Heather's post idea which she stole from someone else.

The first sentence on the first post of each month of the year:



January – “Drink less *” - A new years resolution. The “*” indicated it had already been broken.



February – “As promised, last night I held a peeing contest with my cat.” - I must have been drunk when I wrote that.



March – “I'm Johnny Depp.” - Seriously, I am.



April – “Last night I went online and watched the flash cartoon that kid that just went crazy and killed all those people at his school made.” - Did I get political? No.



May – “I'm such a loser.” - I’m surprised I don’t start every post off with this sentence.



June – “Last night I had my first nightmare about my wedding.” - That post was too long to re-read. I think it had something to do with Titso getting pregnant on our wedding night. Thank God that didn’t…



July – “Titso had the first of her two wedding showers last weekend.” - Wow, I’m boring.



August – “Welp, we moved this weekend.” - Why does anyone read this crap?



September – “I'll tell you what, you do a lot of fucking walking when you go to Italy.” - Please kill me.



October – “Finally saw Wedding Crashers” - Who cares?



November – “It started slow.” - It’s ending even slower.


December – “I haven't done MSPaint in forever (2 weeks), so after reading about Conti’s desire to dunk, I thought I'd share a story and do some MSPainting.” - Redemption!

You don't have to read this, it's boring

I read a lot. Well, not really. I read at lunch everyday because I’m antisocial. I’ve probably read about 5 bad books in a row now. I start to read them, they suck, but I usually end up finishing them in hopes of a redemption that never comes.

My mom gives out prizes at the bowling party and my prize was a book. Paul and his book club are not going to be happy with me, but it’s an Oprah book club book called A Million Little Pieces. I started reading it at lunch and I think I’m really going to like it. Thank F’ing God I finally got something that makes me want to waste even more time out of my workday.

No Xenu for you!

A few weeks ago my brother had the first baby in the family. In a remarkable coincidence, Jennifer Garner-Affleck gave birth (after a year and a half long pregnancy) on the same day. So, I started thinking that we might have a similar awesome shared birthday with Tom Cruise's fake baby. Katie and Tom announced thier implantation at right around the same time we found out Titso was knocked up. If our baby shared the same birthday as the next coming of L Ron Hubbard, then we'd surely be one of the first to join the scientologist spaceship when the planet finally explodes. But, unfortunately it looks like Katie Holmes has gone from 5 months pregnant to 13 months pregnant in the past few weeks:

Please be on vacation this week

I need to do work. I’ve been procrastinating on a certain project of mine for a few weeks now. I was pushing it back to this week because I knew I’d have time to get it done. And I don’t feel like doing it. So, blogs are the only things that will keep me from it. So please don’t blog this week. Thank you.

My Christmas was good. The 5th annual O’D bowling party was yesterday. A cousin’s new boyfriend had both the high game and the high series. Nobody liked him. After bowling we headed back to our house where all 41 of us drank, ate, laughed, watched our wedding video, my mom dance on Ellen, and Lazy Sunday countless times. I wish I had exciting stories to tell, but I don’t.

Now, get me back to work!

Happy Christmas!

I hate the word "merry". After a 3 hour doctor's appointment at lunch, we're being let go early. Have a good one.

A storm is brewing

There’s this creepy guy I know. He’s nice, just a little weird. Doesn’t seem to have many friends. This morning Titso received and email from Creepy:


Hi Titso,

How does it feel to be pregnant?

-Creepy



She immediately forwarded it to me. I laughed and wished her good luck. She was nice:

Wonderful! I love it!



Not a good move if you ask me. She got an instant reply:


You look wonderful also, you are the prettiest pregnant woman I ever saw,,, don't tell anyone I told you though.



HA! Looks like I might have to give a beat down to some one moving in on my preggo wife!

Construction delays

The Great Furniture Construction of ’05 had a setback last night. We (Titso) determined that the walls of the office needed to be touched up (completely repainted) before we (I) built the furniture in there. So we (just me because pregnant women aren’t supposed to paint) had to do that last night before beginning. We (I) painted the room and then was only able to put together the sweet ass leather chair. The project is slated to rebegin tonight as soon as we (I) get home from work (after I climb on the roof to replace icicle lights that burnt out). I took a before picture and I will be sure to post my masterpieces when complete.

Hammertime!

Every year around Christmas my family has a bowling party. Generally about 30 or so cousins and aunts and uncles come, bowl, argue, get drunk, have fun. It’s this Monday. Since Titso and I moved into a new house over the summer, the after party is at our house so the extended family can all check it out. The problem with this is that the house we moved into is way too big to furnish and decorate right away. So, in order to help resolve this, my parents bought us office furniture for Christmas this year. It arrived yesterday in 6-100 pound boxes. So, for the next 5 days, I’ll be trying to put together furniture. Who wants to help?

Do these jeans make my butt look big?

They say a woman becomes more emotional when she’s pregnant for some hormones reason. I wonder if a study has ever been done to test guys out. Because I just went home for lunch and Titso had tivo’d some birthing show and I watched it and I got choked up. I think my estrogen levels are high.

It could also be because we have a current scare with the pregnancy. I’m not going into details, but if you pray, say a prayer for me, if you cross your fingers, cross your fingers for me, and if you masturbate, masturbate with thoughts of me.

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda

Last night I was lying in bed and looked at the clock. It was 12:34. “Make a wish!” I said to myself. I can’t remember what I wished for but I realized something. I love my wife to death, but if I ever met Heidi Klum I totally could have married her. I was watching tv and flipped on an old episode of Who Wants to be a Millionaire. It was the supermodel edition. Heidi had brought her husband with her for support. This is what that atrocity looked like:





And, of course, we all know this is what she’s currently married to:





I could have bagged a supermodel. Dammit.

H-8-RRRR

You're all a bunch of haters. IT took me hours to create (download from blogskins.com) that template. You were all just jealous of the Hil.

ALL HIL! ALL THE TIME!!!

OMG!!! I've decided to make my blog an all Hilary Duff blog. OMG! I'm so excited!! I can't wait to start writing about Hilary! What do you guys think?!?!? OMG!! I'm so xcited! ALL HIL! ALL THE TIME!!!

my day of shopping

I woke up at 11am. I watched the price is right. The final showcase had a corvette. The guy bid 31K and the price was 53K. He lost. I logged on to my computer and read some blogs. I bought two things online. I have to go eat lunch. This shopping thing is exhausting.

Are two of my favorite words actually the same word?

Did you know that the word “finish” is spelled the exact same way as the word “penis” if you get rid of the “fi” in the beginning and the “h” at the end and you add a “pe”?

more on that...

So, last night I won my Tuesday night poker tournament again. I outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted 41 other people. I’ve now won 3 of the last four weeks and got 4th place the other time. It’s ridiculous. That just doesn’t happen. The general consensus was that I am the greatest (luckiest) poker play of all time. I was bought shots and drinks and I accepted them wholeheartedly. Only because today is a short day for me. I leave at 2:30 to go to the baby doctor to hear the heartbeat. Then off to the same bar I play poker at for my unofficial company party. My cool manager is taking the group (20+ of us) out. The party is not in the budget so she’s paying for it herself. So, I start drinking the hangover off in a few hours. Then I’m off for the rest of the week to shop. What a blast that is going to be.

Eureka!

I just remembered what I was going to tell you on my auido post yesterday. I was going to tell you I was wearing a new pair of pants. As it turns out, it wasn't as important as I originally thought it to be.

In other news, I have to go to the bathroom.

In other news, I have been given a voice in an upper managerial decision as to whether I remain under my current manager or move to another manager. I'd have more opportunity under the new manager, but my current manager is probably the best manager I've ever had and I don't really know the new manager. I don't know what to say. I'll probably end up saying nothing and getting moved and I'll get super busy and I'll never blog again.

Straightening Things Out

I’ve come to some conclusions after posting my audioblog. First of all, all girl bloggers are hot. I can only recall hearing three girls post an audioblog and all three said absolutely nothing, but were still hot. Filan sounded hot. Mia sounded hot. And now Nique sounds hot. They’ve all posted pictures of themselves at one point or another and they are all, in fact, hot, but their voices make them hotter. So, ladies, post an audioblog and I bet you get hotter. My second observation is that all guy bloggers are not hot. The only other audioblogs I’ve hear from a guy are Conti’s. His are all hilarious, but man voice just doesn’t do it for me. My final conclusion from all this: I’m not gay.

Boring

Every Monday morning I come in and want to share my exciting weekend with everybody. But, every weekend is boring. Nothing exciting ever happens in my life.

On an unrelated note: does anyone know the best way to get pee smell out of a mattress?

Go watch my movie

Got this site from Filan

My Movie

Snow

Last night there was about 6 or 7 inches. At least thats what she said.

My First STD

I was around 15 years old. I didn’t even know what STD stood for. I had just heard of a new band that had come out, but I thought they were STP. I was having a lot of itching and burning so I went to the doctor. He took some samples and told me I had Chlamydia. My mom cried and made a scene. How could I be so stupid? “Don’t you use protection?” she asked. “Of course I do! I can’t last 5 seconds without it.” I told her. The doctor said sometimes it’s the protection that is the problem. Sometimes the STD gets caught in your protection and makes the infection that much worse.

Yes, I had an STD. In my eye. The technical term was Chlamydial Conjunctivitis. I got it from a swimming pool. It supposedly attached to my goggles and got into my eyes. It’s like pink eye, but twice as bad.

spreading my holiday cheer

It’s the holiday season. The time of year people change and start actually being nice. Everyone’s happier and wants to give rather than receive. I’ve decided I’m going change this year too. I’m going to be a good person. I’m going to make a list of all the things that I need change to improve my life. I think if I can verbalize everything I do that is bad, then changing them will be easier. Once I change everything on this list I will be able to say to myself, “Self, you are a good, wholesome, honest, respectful, humble, all around great guy.” This list comes from deep down. This list is everything that’s wrong with me.












1.nothing

the end.

abbreviated

I just wrote a really long post about what I did the past two days. But I think my interview post was too long of a read, so, just for you, I shortened it and did google image searches for the keywords if you want to get a better image of what I was up to.


Eagles stink... blah,blah,blah... attacked by a bear... blah, blah, blah... I was the big winner at poker again last night... blah,blah,blah... prosthetic finger... blah,blah,blah.... atomic wedgie ... blah,blah,blah... duck billed platypus ... blah,blah,blah... happily ever after. The end.

most retarded thing ever

Go try it. Which celebrity do you look like?

Apparently when I was going up:



I looked like a cross between Drew Barrymore, Anne Frank, and Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Now:

I look like a cross between Mel Bibson and Babe Ruth.


Who do you look like?

Got this from Mia.

Titso: the Interview

From Desert Boy: how do you like being called 'titso'?
Well compared to some of the other names he came up with, TITSO seemed a little nicer. Plus I know Tim is a boob guy, so Titso seemed to be his favorite.

From Laurie: is Tim really funny? Like in real life. Not through odd drawings and starburst porn
You think Tim is funny in blog world? Well, I suppose he is funny in real life – don’t think those Starburst porn were just created out of his insane imagination…where do you think he came up with ideas and positions?!?

From Julia: What are you doing with a loser like Tim? You deserve better
Timmy may be a loser, but he’s my loser. Plus he’s HOT and great in bed! Not to mention smart, sexy and funny… what more could a woman ask for?

From tinapopo: Do you feel that Tim needs to take some kind of human development class, in order to help him understand that his SuperSperm stopped being sperm fairly soon after conception ?
Tim is still a little confused on the whole pregnancy topic – I think he’s so amazed that his sperm could actually impregnate me, and so fast! But you gals need to keep reminding him that once the sperm meets the egg it becomes a fetus. Just like when a man and woman marry, there is no more being “single”, it is two becoming one. Now the supersperm has created a super-fetus, so I think he needs to change the name of that site.

From Lulu: Tim tells us that he is a very lovely, considerate husband. Tell us a time when he pissed you off. (For the record, the only claim in that statement I’ve ever made was that I’m a husband. Lovely and considerate never have left my mouth.)
A time, just one time, that he pissed me off? Wow, I could write a book! No, really he normally is a very lovey, considerate husband… except for when he gets on a poker rampage and must play at different bars several nights a week (or sometimes in one day) until he feels he has played his best. Or when he comes home drunk – that is a big NO-NO in our house… never drive drunk! I was almost killed by a drunk driver!

From Melissa: So, honestly, is he good in the sack?
Umm..I think that is a little private… what do you think? Of course, do you think I’d marry him if he wasn’t?

From Mike: I'd like for Titso to describe her nipples in her own words.
Umm… Tim can describe them best – go ahead… (ok, shiny and Diamond encrusted. )

From Just: who is your favourite author, apart from Tim?
James Patterson. But Tim writes some damn good stories himself!

From Armaedes: How do you keep it so gangsta fresh?
Deodorant and baby powder.

From Min: Do like Starbursts? Dammit. I meant, "Do YOU like Starbursts?"
To eat? Yes I love starbursts.. but as soon as they come in to our house, Tim is busy transforming them in to little Starburst porn!

From Kayde: hey titso, you ever consider doing girl on girl? err, i mean... shit.
If I did, I wouldn’t be pregnant now… so no, sorry, I’m all about boys.

From Funny Bone:
Have you ever been tempted to imitate some of the more difficult maneuvers Tim has so skillfully sculpted out of Starburst?
Like I answered Laurie – how do you think Tim got the ideas for the Starburst porn – he likes to relive it all by making starburst porn and blogging about it!

If you were given the choice of sleeping with me for one night or spending the rest of your life shacked up with Tim, do you think he'd remember you?
I’d have to say, I’d chose Tim over anyone…especially now that he’s my baby’s daddy!

I once had a pet iguana that ran away...do you know where he is?
No, but ya know what – I once had a hampster that got out of it’s cage and disappeared one day, do you know where she is? Her name is Caramel if you see her. Maybe your iguana ate her.

What's the square root of pi-hole?
Dumb question

The doctor just informed you that you have crabs. Butter or coctail sauce?
This must be what he would be saying after my one night with you?

From Wendi: do you read other blogs? why don’t you have your own?
Unfortunately I’m not a blogger… I actually work a pretty busy job, whereas Tim uses his time at work to blog! I work on a computer all day, so it’s the last thing I want to sit in front of when I get home.

From ambs77:
What should I name my new puppy?
Sorry I’m not too good with names… I can’t even decide what I want to name the baby if it’s a boy!

What are 2 things you absolutely love about Tim?
His sense of humor, his body, his cuddling, his massages, his cooking… oh wait, you only wanted two..

What are 2 things you could live without that Tim does?
I could live without him playing poker. He’s a poker nut, he’d play everynight if he was single. I could also live without his farts, his stinky farts. An ex-girlfriend made him a ceramic bowl that said “stinky” on it, obviously I’m not the only one who noticed it! (for the record: I wrote "I stink" on it because I sucked at painting it)

Have you ever danced with Momma OD?
Many a times… she’s a great dancer – also very entertaining to watch! You should see her on our wedding video!

What is one thing the internet doesn't know about Tim that you would just love to tell us?
Hmm, that’s tough, he reveals a lot about himself. I would guess you all probably don’t know that he really is a fantastic husband. He helps with chores all the time, does laundry, cooks, cleans, even scrubs the bathroom. He is an all-around great guy!

How are you feeling so far in your pregnancy? Is Tim being a good prego dad?
I’m feeling good these days….the first trimester was tough. But Tim was very supportive – he figured if he helped me by cooking and getting me to bed, he could sneak out and play poker at night! I think he is actually a little more excited than I even am about the baby, which is an awesome thing b/c many guys get scared at just the thought…so yes, he’s been a great prego dad.

From Libby:
What were you thinking?
Thinking? Who was thinking? Do you think if I thought about a baby that I would be pregnant right now? But I can say that this is the happiest Tim and I have ever been. We love being married and look forward to this baby with great excitement (and a lot of fear).


Okay, that was maybe a little rude.

How about this one:

How drunk were you for all those months/years? (no answer)

No, no... that's not right either...

When Tim does his naked dance for you, do you laugh with him or at him?
Naked dance – he told you about the naked dance? Wow I’m embarrassed. He actually has several versions… the sexy one with the “David” boxers that he strips off… then the “hiccup” one that he does naked jumping jacks to cure the hiccups… then if that doesn’t work he does naked head-stands. You should peak in our window one night when he’s got the hiccups, man it’s hilarious!

From Alekx::
Are Tim's nipples as sensitive as the rest of him?
You think Tim is sensitive? He may be a little emotional every now and then, but I wouldn’t say he’s sensitive.

From Julie:
Are you going to name your first child Julie?
No, sorry Julie… we’ve picked out a girls name already, just trying to decide on a boy one too.

From w0d:
do you do anal?
Um, no…

From conti:
Titso,

When we meet, can we hang for an hour? Yes No Circle one.

Maybe, whats it worth to ya?



From HappyKap:
Titso - Do you know how I can renew my passport?

I just got my passport to go to Italy for my honeymoon this summer, so unfortunately I don’t know how to renew it… but if you find out, let me know b/c I’ll need to do it in 10 years.

Suckers

Tonight I get to go to another Monday Night Eagles game. Which would be cool if they didn’t suck. And it wasn’t going to snow. And I didn’t have to drive home the normally hour and a half ride, which is sure to be 3 hours in the snow.

BUT, I took off tomorrow to sleep in and, well, sleep in.


P.S. EVERYONE WATCH ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT TONIGHT!

If you don’t watch it, here’s something that I just found out that will surely hook you and get you equally as pissed as I am that it was cancelled: The show is written by the same person who wrote The Golden Girls. Comic. Genius.

Uncle Tim

Last night I went to see my first niece in the hospital. (Jamisen (Jamie) Marie), 9lbs 2 oz.). I’ve never been a huge fan of holding babies. All of my friends have babies and I’ve probably held them all once. Except the one who’s getting older and can actually play with me. Newborns just weren’t my cup of tea.

Last night when I held my niece I actually felt like it meant something. I know that I will be in this baby’s life for as long as I live. We were there for an hour and a half and she only cried for about 2 minutes when her blanket fell off her and she needed to be covered up again. Her eyes were following the sounds of people’s voices when they talked and she was trying to stay awake while all those people were around. She was really cute. I got really excited to have my own. Six months seems too long to wait now. I’ll probably be singing a different tune in seven months when I’m only sleeping two hours a night, but man, right now, I can’t wait to be a dad.

Uma...

Did you all see Oprah on Letterman last night?!!? Yeah, neither did I because who really gives a shit?

I'm a broken drunk

I haven't done MSPaint in forever (2 weeks), so after reading about Conti's desire to dunk, I thought I'd share a story and do some MSPainting.


I was a problem child. I first got drunk in 8th grade. I first got caught drinking a few weeks later. I was horrible at it.

It was the end of my junior year in high school and I was grounded for the 7th time for getting caught drinking. I was allowed to go play basketball everyday after school with my friends, I just couldn’t go out at night. I played basketball everyday of my life from 8th grade until my senior year. Swimming was my true talent, but basketball was my true love.

There was a court near my house that had one regulation-sized hoop, and the other end had a hoop that was 6 inches low. Early in high school my friends and I would go there and try to dunk on the short rim. I was the shortest, and last to be able to do it. We would go and try every single day, then go home and do calf raises and other exercises to help in our goal. I was the last to be able to dunk on the low rim, but the first to be able to dunk on the regulation sized rim.

So, my 7th grounding ended and my first night out we went to play basketball. For the most part the games were me and my friends and a whole bunch of big ass black dudes. If we took team photos (and wore uniforms) this is what they would look like:


The short rimed side was people constantly trying to dunk, while the regulation side was normal b-ball. The regulation side almost never saw dunks except from the rare playground superstar (such as Cuttino Mobley who used to play at the court before he made the NBA). On my first night out I was especially hyped up and I was having a very good jumping night. In warm-ups I was dunking on the regulation rim without a problem. Shortly into the first game I was playing, I stole the ball and had a breakaway all by myself. I was in perfect position and went for the dunk. In a bizarre occurrence, I actually jumped too high and hit my wrist on the rim oddly and threw myself off balance.



I landed on my ass, breaking my fall with my wrist, and in turn I broke my wrist.


I went to the hospital to get it fixed where no orthopedic surgeon was on duty. My dad got pissed at the hospital for being short staffed, so he brought me home. Where I sat with a broken wrist for 3 days until my dad could find the best doctor who wasn’t affiliated with that hospital to fix it.

I had a full arm cast that whole summer. I learned to do everything left-handed. I continued to play basketball in 95 degree heat with a full arm cast. I improved my left-handed dribbling and I had the smelliest cast of all time. My full arm cast was eventually shortened to a forearm length cast, which was eventually removed.

My first night cast-free I was so excited. I went out and got drunk. And got caught for the 8th and final time. And was grounded for the rest of the summer. I quit drinking my entire senior year. I also still wipe my ass with my left hand.

Sweet!

"All IT Employees:
As we enter the last weeks of the year, we would like all IT staff to enjoy a bit of holiday cheer. Between now and 12/31/05, all staff may dress casually for work. Please be sensitive and dress appropriately for meetings you may have with external customers or with other visitors coming into the building. As always, please use good judgment in appropriate attire for the workplace."

Time to break out the manthongs!!

I'm not a dad, not yet an uncle

My brother and his wife just left the house for her to be induced. So, I’m going to be an uncle today. Or tomorrow if it doesn’t go too well. While I’m happy about all that, what I’m really hoping for is a long, drawn out labor that goes into tomorrow. While this points to me being a cruel brother in law, the real reason: I’m anti social.


Sunday morning our next-door neighbor knocked on our door and invited Titso and I over for some coffee. We were barely awake or dressed so we took down their number. Titso called and arranged for us to get together tomorrow night. Titso is friendly and can, and will, talk to anyone. Me, not so much. The neighbors seem like very nice and friendly people, but I don’t get along with new people. Especially people that seem to be my polar opposite. I like football, he likes salsa dancing. That right there is enough to make me fake sick. I’m fairly certain we have zero in common and I’m dreading it. He probably doesn’t even like boobs.


So, here’s to hoping for a 24 hour labor that will mean I have to go visit them tomorrow after work and cancel our neighborly play date.

Questions

Thank you all for your great (and not so great) questions. I will try to get some answers out of Titso, but everyday she does this bizarre thing called "work". I'll do my best to pull her away and get some goddamn answers. I deserve answers!!

Bored, and uncreative

I'm thinking about interviewing Titso for a blog post. Anyone got any questions for her?

Weekend Recrap

-Had Thanksgiving dinner with the Dancing Queen and the rest of my family.

-Worked Friday. Left a little early. Went to play poker. Got 4th place out of 90 people. 4th place is 1st loser in free bar poker.

-Went 24 straight hours without eating. I just wasn’t hungry.

-Hung Christmas lights. New house is much bigger than old house, so we ran out of lights. Need to get more. Looks retarded right now.

-Went to Titso’s 10 year reunion. Drank both our money’s worth. Got my nice Banana Republic jacket stolen.

-Went to and FINALLY saw the Eagles win a freakin game.

-Gained 3 pounds over the long weekend even with my 1 day food ban.

-Tired.

Dreams do come true

My mom loves to dance. It was well documented by our wedding photographer a few months ago. I put together a little collage to express to you just how deep her love runs.




Today, on national television, her dream of dancing with Ellen was fufilled. I wish I had it on my PC, but I had to settle with pausing tivo and taking a picture with my camera. Yes, here is my mom grinding with Ellen.

Tony Danza

How does he have a talk show? Seriously. It's horrendous.



P.S. Right now on Maury: "I'm back for the 9th time... I hope I find the dad today!"


My faith in good talk shows is restored.

Poke Her

40 people, I am one of them, playing poker. Guess who wins? Me bitches! me! $100 for a 0$ buy in! YEAH! I is drunk.

email just received!

"Due to the unexpected maintenance that must be done to the building on Wednesday, 11/23, any developers can choose to work from home."



I friggen love working from home. Usually I just sit around in my underwear eating cheetos. Tomorrow I may not even wear my underwear.

Two daytime talk show posts in one day

My mom looooooves Ellen. I bet if my mom ever goes gay, she’ll go after Ellen. And I’m fairly certain it’s because Ellen dances on her show everyday. My mom loves Ellen so much that she got tickets to go see her. She’s there right now. I think she said they film from 10:30-11:30. So she’s probably rocking out to Bon Jovi right at this very moment. And I bet she jumped on stage to get her freak on with Ellen.*





* I don’t have many pictures of my mom on my PC, so I thought I’d do her justice with a 25 year old picture of her with sweet 70’s hair.

I can't believe I'm writing a post about Oprah

So, who else watched Oprah’s Favorite Things yesterday? I wish I didn’t. If I were in that crowd I’d have rioted and maimed Oprah. Then I’d have gone after Dr. Phil. Last year’s guests all got a new car. This year’s guests get a stinkin laptop. I think there’s a slight $20,000 difference here Oprah! Last year’s guests simply needed new cars. This years guests helped in a national disater. Last year’s guests: free blowjobs. This year’s guests: handjobs with no lube. Fuckin Oprah.

Here's a real picture of someone from the show, reacting to the bullshit Oprah pulled.



"popcorn? uggs? Oatmeal cookies? Where's my car bitch?!?"

Question

Am I the only loser who has to work on Friday?

QT

I was reading this blog this morning. Armaedes talks about how no matter what he seems to do, his girlfriend doesn’t think they spend enough “quality time” together. Which got me thinking about how lucky I am to be married to Titso.

Titso’s been having sinus sicknesses for the past week and went out shopping yesterday while I painfully watched the Eagles suck. She got home and was practically dead as she climbed into bed. I waited until halftime then went and got into bed with her. Asked her if she needed anything, rubbed her arms and head for about 3 minutes, then asked her if she minded if I went to a bar to play poker. She told me to go. So I left her home alone and sick. After poker I picked up a humidifier, and dinner. I made soup and grilled cheeses for dinner. I cleaned up all by myself too. I’m like the best boyfriend/husband ever! She was still thanking me this morning for taking care of her.

So, in conclusion, my wife thanked me for going to play poker while she was home sick.

**Update!

She's home sick today. I just realized she has been totally faking sickness for the past week just so she could stay home today and watch Oprah's Favorite Things.

ch-ch-ch-changing

It hasn’t been a good week. I think the Eagles game Monday night kinda depressed me. I haven’t written anything good all week. Lately when I can’t think of anything funny to write, I try to make up for it by drawing a stupid picture, or taking a stupid picture of myself. So, today is going to be different. No pictures. After this post.

One thing I’ve always said helped keep relationships fresh was slight changes of appearance. I think one of the biggest things girls can do is to change up their hairstyles. I haven’t changed my hairstyle in about 8 years, but I’ve kept my relationships fresh by doing other things such as wearing an eye patch, getting my teeth gold capped, botox, and shaving my eyebrows.

About once or twice a year I’ll grow a goatee. Do you guys think I look better with a goatee?



Or without?

Actual real stuff

Nothing fluffy to write today, so I'll just say that titso had an ultrasound and blood test on Monday and everything came out good and the chance of downs syndrome is less than 1 in 1700, trisomy 18 is less than 1 in 10,000. Woohoo! (My super sperm did a Q&A on his blog today if anybody cares.)

Nothing left in my brain

I get angry at myself when I have nothing to right.

You're Alright

You're all right. I don't need to be a professional artist to draw pics of hot naked chicks. I can do it now! And you were right about me being greedy and not showing you the seductive looks I practice while sitting on the toilet. So, I combined the two pictures, and here's me practicing my seductive looks (check out the wink!), while I also have the body of a naked chick.



and here it is



and it's going to be down a little further



because I don't want it to show on my screen when I load my blog page at work

Daydreaming

If I were an artist I would just draw pictures of naked chicks 24/7.

who does number two work for, honey baby?

I like the stalls here at work. When I’m sitting down, the giant black toilet paper dispenser is at eye level. So, while I’m doing my business I can work on making funny faces in the reflection of it. I can also work on my seductive looks while shitting.


I’d take a picture, but you know, that whole I’ll get divorced for sending myself 6000 pictures of myself this month is coming into play.

It also puts the toothpaste in the basket

Every morning I drink one cup of coffee then brush my teeth. I don’t even actually like coffee, but I drink it to be cool. Like with that one cigarette I had in high school. As soon I half-finish my coffee (I only ever drink half of it), I brush my teeth. About a week ago I noticed the toothpaste I use everyday expired in October 04. Why are all the personal hygiene products I have on my desk 3 or more years old? How does toothpaste expire? How do I still have ¼ of a tank of toothpaste that’s been expired for over a year? Do I care? Not one bit.

Depression

In the 51 game time seconds it took me to walk from my seat in the end zone to my car, the Eagles season ended. Fuck.

Tim Donates blood

Well, I tried to give blood this morning. Since I was in Punta Cana this year, I’m not allowed to give. But they give us a free lunch anyway! I used to donate blood on a regular basis up until about two years ago. I finally got over my traumatic experience, but I’ll have to wait until March to give now. My traumatic experience?

I laid down on the table to prepare for the needle.



If at first you don’t find the vein, try, try again!



Finally, the vein was found and the blood was flowing.



And then… lala land.



In truth, I didn’t actually pass out, but I was in so much pain I couldn’t lift my arm for about two weeks and swore off ever giving blood again. Now, I’m finally over that, but the malaria infested Punta Canan mosquitoes won’t allow it.

Titso's anniversary!

Out of boredom and nothing else to write, I decided to take a gander and see what I was up to exactly a year ago today. It was today, last year, that I came up with TITSO! (Tim’s Insanely Terrific Special One). That was one of my proudest posts ever! Yah! Titso rules!

Down, but not out

When I sat down to my computer this morning I said to myself, “Self, you, my friend, are going to be funny today.” Then I started doing actual work, then I had actual meetings in which I had to pay attention. And my day has been ruined. Work ruins everything.


But, I am proud to say that in the past 24 hours, two separate people have found my blog through a search for “How to darken nipples”. I know my writing is quality when I give the people what they need.

A bunch nipply

Did ya’ll hear the guy locked in the basement on Desperate Houswives was fired? The reasoning was “improper conduct”. But, they don’t say what he did. I bet he blogged about how he shagged Eva Longoria. Or maybe he said Desperate Housewives would be undefeated if Brett Farve was the quarterback. Anyway, my main reason for posting this is I wanted to point out how Eva Longoria’s boyfriend, Tony Parker, has like 9 nipples.

Just like when Stormtroopers used to shoot at me

Every Wednesday I work my side job of dealing poker. I got home last night around 11:30 and watched Lost. I was all creeped out when I went down into my basement to hop on my computer afterwards. When I went to sit down I heard a deafing bang/clanging noise from inside the house. I knew the cat and the wife were asleep, so I grabbed the largest, bluntest object I could find to go explore and protect my home. Armed with a CD (yeah, there’s not much in my basement) and a fear of The Others, I turned every corner in the house with one fist clinched and my throat slicing cd in the other hand. Every corner I turned I found nobody, and nothing on any floors. I was still whimpering a little when I finally found a few boards and metal rods had fallen in the storage room in our basement. But the whole situation reminded me of when I was about 9 years old.

My old house also had a finished basement where we had a pool table, ping pong table and a tv. I’d hang out down there at night before having to go to bed. Our basement was set up weird in that the light switch was at the bottom of the stairs. So, you had to walk up and down the stairs in the dark. Every night before I’d go to bed I’d get into a runner’s position, flip the switch and run like the wind up the stairs. For some reason I always thought that as soon as I turned off the lights Stormtroopers would appear in my basement and attempt to kill me. I was such a douchebag.

Groundhog Day

I hate to keep saying this over and over, but I look good again. I'm Feeling good too... and nice! Instead of yelling at people today, I decided to make some calls and have some laughs.




Sometimes managers give raises based on your ability to make people laugh!


So, I laughed and laughed and laughed some more!


and what was I laughing at?




My blog of course!

Let the raises cometh my way!



P.S. I have no picture sending plan for my cell phone. titso is gonna divorce me when our cell phone bill is $400 because I keep sending pictures to myself.

Outside T.O.'s house

I'm sitting here watching a T.O. press conference online. T.O's apologizing, while his dickface agent acts like a dick. As a complete die hard Eagles fan this feels like an ex girlfriend apologizing while her new boyfriend is standing next to her. She says "I'm sorry for cheating, I still love you." While her boyfriend yells, "You did this to her! Fuck you!"



GOD!!!!! I can't stand Rosenhaus. I want to cry. I want to puke.

I will not tell a lie

Do you want some guy reaching around in the middle of the night and grabbing your junk?

When Titso and I found out she was knocked up we panicked for a few mintues. “Oh my God, what do we do?” “Our lives are over.” “I need a beer.” Looking back, I think we’re both a little ashamed of our initial reactions, and looking forward we’re so lucky I can’t put it in to words because….

One of my friends had baby about 4 months ago. His girlfriend and him were going to get married before they found out she was preggo, so they pushed the wedding back until after the kid was born. They’re supposed to get married next October. But, they just found out she’s pregnant again. They found out about 4 weeks ago that she’s already expecting. Twins. Friday she went to hear the heartbeats and they couldn’t find one. So, they sent her in for an ultrasound. They didn’t find two heartbeats. They found three. They’re going to have FOUR kids under the age of one. I’d rather die.

Trim

I got my haircut this weekend. I look good! G-O-D GOOD! Whenever I get a haircut I always feel good looking for a few days. Then after my hair starts to grow longer I start to realize it’s not my hair that makes me look good. I‘m simply good looking. All. The. Time.


I was feeling so confident today I decided to make some calls and yell at people.

Sometimes

when my word verification is too long, I just hit pulish to get a new word. Sometimes it takes two or three times before I get a short word.

That is all for now.

My weekend summed up

No place like home

Titso's sister is visiting for the weekend. They're watching an Ashton Kutcher movie, so I'm playing poker (2nd tonight) and blogging. I was just going through everyone's blogs and thinking to myself that I don't think I could have ever stumbled across a more funny and cool ciricle of bloggers. But, if I did, I'd desert you all in a heartbeat.

This probably only happens to me and I'll feel stupid. But...

I smell the dentist right now. When I go for my biannual cleaning (and i do!) they tell me I need to rinse with fluoride afterwards. They give me my choices: spearmint, peppermint, cinnamon, or bubble gum? The choice is obvious every time. Bubble gum. And every time, as soon as the fluoride hits my mouth, I remember how bad I hate that shit. It tastes like acid laced hubba bubba. Then I’m stuck swooshing that crap around for 60 seconds while the dental assistant looks at her watch. I smell bubble gum flavored fluoride right now. I want to puke.

TMI?!!

After my good friend google informed me that 75% of women get or have had a yeast infection, I figured it was ok to post this. Titso has been getting reoccurring yeast infections. As soon as one goes away she gets another one. She can’t take pills to get rid of them because she’s pregnant. Her doctor told her that in cases like hers, often it’s the male who has the yeast infection who is giving it to the female. Male yeast infections are asymptomatic, so if I had one, I’d never know. I have a doctor’s appointment today to get checked out. Every time I think about my penis I feel like I have a loaf of bread baking in my pants.

Wow

The K-Fed rap sounds really really really bad. I can't wait to hear it.

"People always asking me when's the release date / Well, baby you can wait and see, until then all these Pavarottis followin' me"

"My prediction is that y'all gonna hate on the style we create, straight 2008."

One stupid post? Is that all you’re going to write today?

Feelin sexy!

Titso comes home from her week long trip tonight! You know what that means!! I'll finally have clean underwear tomorrow!

Weird for $100

When you named your child did you think of everyone you know that has that name and think of what that person is like? We’re trying to come up with a name for our child prodigy and when we think of a name we say “Yeah, but what about your weird cousin who has the same name? We don’t want our kid to be like that.” As if our kid will be weird just because someone else in the world with the same name is weird. Am I weird? Ain’t it weird how many times I said weird in the post? Weird!

One step forward, two steps back

There was a point in time when everything electronic was my responsibility. If the power went out, it was up to me to reset the clock in the microwave. My parents couldn’t program a vcr, reboot a computer, hook up a dvd player, or change a light bulb. It was always “Wait till Timmy’s home.” Technology has ruined my technological abilities. In particular, Tivo has ruined my technological abilities. Yesterday I went home for lunch to set up a vcr to tape The Office because Tivo was taping the Amazing Race and I knew I wouldn’t be home. I don’t even really like the Amazing Race this year, so I don’t know why I tivo it when I friggen love The Office. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking when I tried to program the vcr to tape The Office, but all I got was about 10 minutes of My Name is Earl. I’m retarded and I hate myself.

The Heat of the Moment

It started slow. I took my time and enjoyed it. I paid attention to detail. Appreciated everything that was going on around me. I showed respect. Things started moving quicker. Faster. Faster. I was fully consumed. The grabbing. The screaming. And then I ran out of candy. I turned out the lights and ran. Hundreds of kids still roaming the neighborhood begging for more candy. I went to a bar and played poker.