Weekend by the alphabet

A nnouncement made:
B aby on the way
C eriously. Titso’s pregnant already
D addy Timmy
E xcited. Nervous. In over my head.
F earful
G ay. I apparently am not.
H oneymoon pregnancy?
I nsider information this is.
J ust want it to be a healthy boy
K idding. I don’t care.
L ong nine moths it will be
M ay 21st due date
N ine weeks along now.
O h my God, oh my God, oh my God: All my mom could say.
P robably not going to find out the sex of it
Q uiet please
R eally, quiet. We’re not telling anyone except our parents.
S uper sperm I have
T itso pregnant: what I’m being for Halloween to tell friends.
U ltrasound: had one a few weeks ago when we thought it might be ectopic.
V ery sick, all the time, she is. But, the baby seems ok.
W edding weekend pregnancy?
X is a letter I can’t come up with anything for
Y ou try
Z zzzzzz’s: what I need to catch up on.


So yes, it’s true. Titso’s pregnant already. We told our parents this weekend, but we’re holding off on telling anyone else for a few more weeks. Since no one I actually know reads this I figured I could talk about it now. Though I promise this will not become a baby blog.

It’s funny how I’ve only actually talked about sex I’ve had once or twice here, and it most likely was the time she got pregnant. Either then, or the very beginning of the honeymoon. Titso was on the pill for 12 years, so we thought it would take a while for her body to adjust and we planned on using the natural planning method for about 6 months to a year, then trying. Apparently that method doesn’t work too well. My super sperm attacks all eggs in the tri state area. Maybe waiting a month before marriage wasn’t the best idea in the world.

Anyway, we were upset and pissed at first. But, we’ve known for a month and we’re definitely happy now. Titso was in a really bad car accident a few years ago and her liver split and they said they weren’t sure if she could ever get pregnant, so I’ve felt blessed from the beginning that it happened. She’s coming around now. As long as my kid is cute, I don’t think I’ll have to throw it out.

More thanks

I need help in completing my thank you cards. We have something like 130 cards. Titso’s doing about 115 of them. The final 15 are my friends and close family. I’ve gotten creative with some, so I have to be creative with all of them. I posted my first three, my next two are…


Thank you for celebrating our wedding with us. Also, thank you for the very generous gift. Your gift will go a long way in helping us establish our child slavery ring on the black market. Love OD and Titso

Thank you for celebrating our wedding with us. Also, thank you for the very generous gift. We’ve invested your gift wisely. In Doritos. A year’s supply. Love, Od and Titso.


Now I need about 10 more and I can’t think. I could repeat, but I hate uncreativity. Besides Sean’s prostitution ring suggestion (which I modified to be child slavery), what do you have for me? please? I'll be your best friend.

homophobic

ok, so I know it's gay to post pictures of yourself as a kid... especially two in one day, but you're gonna have to deal with it. My mom made a slideshow of me and titso growing up for our wedding and I finally just brought it into work today.

This is my favorite picture of me ever. My parents used to go to this park and I would spend hours at this water fountain trying to drink out of it. My parents would just sit back and laugh at me. Every once in a while a random adult would walk by and lift me up for a drink.

The tattoo? Well, that was just a mistake I made as a crazy young kid. I got that removed a few years ago.

Disasster

This is a picture of me.

This is just a disaster waiting to happen on so many levels.

Hypothetical

Let's just, hypothetically, say someone wrote this about you....



It's quite staggering how many blogs are out there. It's even more awe-inspiring when you realize how many there are that are way more better than your own. Yes, I said "way more better". Some people just lead more interesting lives and have a knack for conveying those lives in interesting and humorous ways. And they have lots of readers, too. Color me envious.

I'd like to share something interesting I found today. It's from Tim..... I haven't read a lot of his blog, and his glib homophobic tone in the top Tuesday post isn't funny to me like it might be to a 20 year old college sophomore, but I find this post very creative, funny, and fruity (?). Enjoy.



Would you be hypothetically flattered? Or hypothetically insulted? Because, ya know, you readers who commented on Tuesday's post would hypothetically be glib, homophobic, 20 year olds. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I have registered to play in the
Online Poker Blogger Championship!

This event is powered by PokerStars.

Registration code: 8623051

busy body!

Almost 6pm and I'm still at work. That's like practically midnight. somewhere.

Thanks for the Great Gift

I'm writing thank you cards for my wedding right now. this is what they look like.



I'm very mature.


**** Update!!

These are the two I have completed thus far:

Steve and Angie, Thank you for being part of our wedding. Also, thank you for the very generous gift. We will be wisely investing it to ensure a happy life together. And by that I mean we will be buying lots and lots of beer. Love, OD and Titso

Steve and Mare, Thank you for being part of our wedding. Also, thank you for the very generous gift. We will use it to ensure a happy life together. And we will be ensured a happy life by purchasing about 4 pounds of weed. Love, OD and Titso

**** another!

Jack and Shannon, Thank you for celebrating our wedding with us. Also, thank you for the very generous gift. We're throwing it right in the gutter. Literally. We're going bowling. 50 straight games. Love, OD and Titso

Trying something new

So, I

Uh oh

I’ve never puked at work, but I’m dangerously close right now. I just got up to get one of my 65 daily cups of water. I took a sip on my walk back. Apparently I’m not good at walking and sipping at the same time. Something went wrong. Terribly wrong. Coughing fits. Shortness of breath. I think my throat collapsed into my stomach. My stomach is rejecting it. I can’t breath. If I die, I loved you. At least some of you.

Quality

I was just perusing through some of my most recent posts and I’ve noticed the quality of my writing has decreased. So, this is my oath to you, the faithful readers, to write more outstanding work. I promise to, uh, nah, never mind. Writing good is two hard.

Dear Everybody That Has Off For Columbus Day,

I hate you.

Love Always,

Tim


P.S. I'm hungry

I'm your pusher

Another week of marriage, another week alone. Titso left for Atlanta again this morning. Home Alone like Mccaulay. So much pron, so little time.

This weekend I was officially old. The best part of my weekend was watching tv. No bars, no heavy drinking, no intravenous drugs. My life has gotten boring. I rented the 1st 6 episodes of Arrested Development. If you’re not watching this show, start. It’s the best comedy on tv. Right next to The Office and Curb your Enthusiasm. Don’t be a loser, just watch. It will make you feel good. Like intravenous drugs.

Good to the last drop

Have you ever started to drink your coffee only to notice the half and half was bad? And it's all curdled and nasty. But you still drink the coffee anyway? mmmm....

Oh baby, you, you got what I need..

From Sean

Ok, go to Google.

Type in "(your name) needs" Remember to us the quotes.

Look at the 5 websites that say you need something. (Use different websites)

What are the 5 things you need?

Tim needs your love, just like any young man his age (aka. handjobs)

Tim needs to offer more respect to you, the readers. (Fuck that)

Tim needs to know that his actions are going to land him in the gutter -- literally. (already there)

Tim needs to eat every two hours! (and your point is...?)

Tim needs to swear off at least the following words forever: "sun", "soon", "crucifix", "go", "you", and about a half a dozen others the way a wino needs to swear off Boones Farm. (mmm.. Boones Farm)

A nice warm glass of shut the hell up

So, my Katie Holmes/Tom Cruise obsession went away for a while. But it’s back now! Yah For premarital sex! Or premarital test tube babies depending on how you view this unison.

I was very pissed off the other day when they announced she was pregnant because they stole my thunder. I was going to announce I was pregnant that day. At least I think I’m pregnant. That would be the only explanation for the growth of my stomach since marriage.


Then, last night I heard about the Scientologist method of childbirth:

Maintain silence in the presence of birth to save both the sanity of the mother and the child and safeguard the home to which they will go. And the maintaining of silence does not mean a volley of "Sh's," for those make stammerers.

I actually agree with this method of childbirth. I wouldn’t want to see what comes out of this mouth either:



And the post childbirth Scientologist tradition:

Next, the delivery itself should carry as little anaesthetic as possible, be as calm and no-talk as possible and the baby should not be bathed or chilled but should be wrapped somewhat tightly in a warm blanket, very soft, and then left alone for a day or so.


Well, I’ve got nothing for that, that’s just retarded.

I've grown lazy

I'm way too lazy to look through 208 HNTs, so can someone just tell me which the best ones were (besides chick's and Pauls). Growing up my brother used to always like music until it became popular. Then he stopped liking it. I thought he was aloser, but now I'm understanding. HNT is just too big to enjoy. Don't get me wrong, I love boob shots, but if there were 200 HNT's I'll bet no more than 20 were very creative. Including my own. I'm thinking yesterday may have been my last HNT. At least for a while. Definitely until I get my camera back... which hasn't even been sent in for repairs yet. So, I think this is my HNT sign off.

Penis Out!

MIA

Training all afternoon. See Ya tommorrow.

HNTe??

Still no camera.

I showed enough N in last week's HNT to last a few weeks.

Got wedding proofs back today.

Not much N this week.





The N came later that night... right? right? who's with me?

(ok, the next morning for those of you who read my recap)

Vote or Die!

a. Go to gym

b. Go home and mend sick wife

IFFF.........

My picture links actually meant anything as to where you are and who you are next to, this is what my picture linking would actually look like...


.

..


.
..


.


..

.

Uncreativity

Nothing to write right now. So, I updated all my picture links.

Does my page take too long to load because of all this crap? If so, I'll get rid of the picture links.

Do I not link to you and I should? Please provide 3 reasons I should and your favorite zoo animal and I may reconsider.

Can't touch this

I was just on the shitter and I was overcome by a sense of pride as I took a close examination of my fingerprints. They really do kick ass. Twice a good as yours.

Sleep with me

I went home at lunch today for the delivery of a new bed!! King size! Like my wiener! I’m going to effin sleep the hell out of it tonight.

Every kid in my neighborhood was riding his or her bike around. Is today Stay Home From School today? And why didn’t anyone tell me?

I… uhh… I’m sorry about the way I acted yesterday. I don’t know what got over me. I think I’m a little stressed out lately. Between the high pressures of bowling league and fall softball, I just kind of lost it. I love you. I don’t want to lose you. There's no other blog that could love you the way I do. If you’ll take me back, I’ll be yours forever.

To all the blogs I've loved before

If we were dating, I'd break up with you all right now. I'm very bored. Yet, I can't think of anything interesting to write. And it seems as if none of you have anything too exciting to say right now either. The spark just isn't there. Did we fall into a funk? Are we only hanging on to each other because we're scared of being alone? I'm thinking we should take a break. Test the waters. See if there's other blogs out there that we're more compatiable with. I've only been with one blog my whole life, I think I need some more experience. You know, have a little fun while I'm young. I'm scared that if we remain together, we'll end up regretting each other down the line. If we end up back together, then it was meant to be. It's not you, it's me.

Weak End

- Finally saw Wedding Crashers
- I liked 40 Year Old Virgin better
- Watched Philles do what they needed to do to make the playoffs
- Didn’t help.
- Fuck you Houston.
- Watched Eagles get blown out in 1st half.
- Passed out drunk
- Didn’t see comeback
- Took a walk in the woods with Titso
- Got laid in the woods like a 16 year old with no where else to go
- Not that I'd know what that is since I didn't get laid till college.
- End

What should I do this weekend? I’m thinking I should drink.

A word from our sponsors.

I’m shocked at the response to yesterday’s HNT. I’m actually a little disappointed. Sean, Conti, other guys, I expected you to call me a homo. Because really, that was very gay.

Just for Joo

OK, so Julie got mad at me for not blogging enough, so I’m just going to write some crap and it won’t be interesting. I like quality over quantity, but Julie doesn’t care what I think. Did you know tit is in quantity? Also, I figured out on her blog the other day, that the word intimidate is In Tim I Date. Since I’m married now that word has been changed to intimimarry. Julie intimimarried me into writing this.

Other words my name is found in: Time. Timid. Timber.

I just took a bathroom break to try to think of more, but all I could come up with was Quantum. Spelled wrong. Quantim.

In the song Better Man, I swear the first time in the song he says “She lies and says she’s in love with him..” he says Tim instead of him. I SWEAR!

With a broken camera, I don’t know what I should post for HNT, if anything. A close up of Titso’s ring we took right after we got engaged? Pics of me dancing in my underwear the night on my honeymoon I got so drunk and laughed so hard I puked? I may have to scrounge my PC for other pics.

Happy Julie??

Detailed reviews of everything going on in my life right now

Sirius Satellite Radio. Good.

Jack Johnson cd. Pretty good.

Philles. Suck

Eagles. We’ll see.

Marriage. Fairly good.

Fall Softball. Ehhh.

Poker. I suck.

Bowling league. Cool.

My Fair Brady. AWESOME!

Shape up or ship out

Jesus! I almost posted my second retarded post of the day. Thank God I deleted it!

A fun day for all

Yesterday was Titso and I’s one month anniversary. We decided to do something special, so we took a trip around the world. It was a little tough fitting it all into one day, but it was worth it.

My camera is on the fritz and I was only able to snap this one picture before it died on me. This was on our flight from New Guinea to Zimbabwe. Sorry I only have one picture, but I think it pretty much encapsulates our whole trip. Here!

Aurthur Fonzerelli Van DeCamp

I’m sorry to report that Desperate Housewives Jumped the Shark last night. In just the 1st episode of the second season, it’s already flipped sides like Anakin. I think every single scene was absurd. That stuff just doesn’t happen. I won’t go through the ridiculousness of it all, but I will focus on one thing. The token black family. When they were house hunting, did they put a special request into their realtor for a torture chamber in the basement? Come on now. That totally turned me off to the show. And I will of course be watching next week.

I bet it’s Fonzi locked up in the basement. And Bree will end up marrying him.

Boring

I can't top yesterday's post, so I'll post this. Queen of Pink did it today. I got it in an email last friday and did it then, so I'll just post it now.


1. First name? Timothy John O'Donnell
2. Were you named after anyone? My aunt Sharon
3. Do you wish on stars? Stars wish on me
4. When did you last cry? Right now
5. Do you like your handwriting? Who writes anymore?
6. What is your favorite lunch meat? I like to meat at Panera usually
7. What is your birth date? tomorrow bitches (last week)
8. What is your most favorite album/CD? Menudo
9. Favorite Jewelry not counting wedding/engagement ring and why? my cock ring
10. Do you have a journal? yes
11. Do you use sarcasm a lot? NO!
12. What are your nicknames? Pedro
13. Would you bungee jump? ummmm..
14. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? I only wear velcros
15. Do you think that you are strong? have you seen my guns?
16. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? potato chip
17. Shoe Size? huge
18. Red or pink? pink
19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? my friends
20. What do you like most? my handsomeness
21. Do you want everyone you send this to send it back? no
22. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? flesh
23. What are you listening to right now? printers
24. Last thing you ate? crayons
25. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? the color of my stomach
26. What is the weather like right now? i don't know
27. Last person you talked to on the phone? don't use em
28. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? nipples
29. Do you like the person who sent this to you? no
30. Favorite Drink? gasoline (for you conti!)
31. Favorite Sport? baddmitten
32. Hair Color? grey
33. Eye Color? grey
34. Do you wear contacts? grey ones
35. Favorite Food? dinner
36. Last Movie You Watched? homemade pron
37. Favorite Day of the Year? saturdays
38. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? by happy ending you mean hand jobs?
39. Summer or winter? spring
40. Hugs Or Kisses? hummers
41. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? edible undies
42. Who is Most Likely To Respond? you
43. Who Is Least Likely To Respond? you
44. What Books Are You Reading? the torah
45. What's On Your Mouse Pad? my mouse
46. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? the screen
47. Favorite Smells? buttcrack
48. Favorite Sounds? farts
49. Rolling Stones or Beatles? beatles ate our roses
50. What's the farthest you've been from home? jersey
51. Who sent this to you? no clue

Celebration Day!!!

When I woke up this morning I knew today was going to be a good day. Today's no work day! All day of playing volleyball and playing around! My favorite pair of underwear was clean too!



When I walked into work, I got laid. How fun!


I logged onto my laptop and started what I do every morning when I log on. Blogging! Look at how much I'm enjoying all your blogs!


MMMM,MMMMM! Drinking my coffee and reading some blogs!



And then this completely unfortunate series of events happened....


AAANNNDD.... this is me driving home to change my shorts...

My only piece of jewlery

My camera's broken, so all I have are pics from the honeymoon. And since I posted a picture of my ass last week, I thought I'd spare everyone this week.

This is my hand and the Isle of Capri.

FUUUUUCK!

Lost didn't tivo. I want to cry.

Let's play a drinking game!

Everyone has to list 3 things they've never done. I'll go first.

I Never plucked an eyebrow
I Never rode an ostrich
I Never signed the Declaration of Independence


ok, your turn.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Whoever wrote that song was full of shit. How can freezing cold December be better than right now? NFL season’s in full swing. Baseball playoff races and the Phillies are actually in it. Fucking Lost starts tomorrow. The new Survivor is awesome. Desperate Housewives starts Sunday. New Family Guys are on. I just creamed my pants.

My work could beat up your work

My boss sent everyone in our group a mandatory meeting invite for Thursday from 8am-5pm. The meeting was sent to block out our calendars so we do no work all day. Our IT department was voted in the top 50 IT departments to work at in the country so we’re having a party. All day we have to play volleyball, have limbo contests and watch people embarrass the fuck out of themselves doing karaoke. There’s also raffles to give out LCD tv’s, IPods, and amex gift certificates. And of course we still have our daily hookers.

Siriusly

I just picked up a satellite radio titso gave me as a b-day present. I'm going to listen the shit out of it.

My weekend through very short and choppy sentences.

Friday: Saw 40 Year old Virgin. Good shit.

Saturday: Whiffleball tournament at 11am. Lost 1st game at 11:30am. Lost second game at 12:30. Played poker. Lost. Went home to a “surprise” birthday party. It was fun. Drank for 14 straight hours.

Sunday: Woke up. Could not move. Drugged myself up. Went to Eagles game. Went to wedding. Redeeming factor about wedding: Steak and Lobster.

Monday: Still hurting.

Yah!

Go say congrats to Future Ex. And help her come up with a new name.

One down, 50 to go.

I think I just made out with the first guy on my making out with everyone quest. I wonder if he has a blog.

Today is the birthday of two managers in my group. With tomorrow being mine too, we were all taken out for lunch. At the end the waitresses did that gay clapping singing crap and brought the three of us ice cream. I ate most of mine and couldn’t finish it. I offered it up and the guy sitting next to me ate it. With my spoon. I’m pretty sure that’s the same as an open mouth kiss.

Thank F'ing God@!

The slowness of loading blogger pages in my IE was pushing me to the brink of quitting. So, I loaded firefox on my laptop and it's working like a charm. Granted, I'll probably get fired for loading things onto my laptop I'm not supposed to, but it's worth it right now.

Is it just me?

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the blogs I read. (At least 2 minutes worth of thinking.) And I determined that I find it easier to become a new reader of a girl’s blog than a guy’s. I looked at all the blogs I link to and 39 are hot chicks compared to only 11 funny guys. And it’s not that I haven’t stumbled on other funny guys, I just don’t follow up with my reading duties with them. I think I have a subconscious idea boiling in my brain that one day I’m going to be forced to make out with every blogger I link to and I’m not looking forward to kissing all those dudes.

Some people aren't as cool and smart as me. As us.

As you may or may not know, I’m an Eagles season ticket holder. My dad started getting tickets when Veteran’s stadium was built in 1970. I’ve only missed about 2 home games in the past 6 years. This Sunday I will be going to see them bounce back after the dirty play of the Falcons last week. I’ll be heading down to tailgate probably around 9 or 10am. Then I will watch the Eagles dismantle the hapless 49ers. Then I’ll be going to a wedding. One of Titso’s friends is getting married on Sunday. A Sunday during football season. What kind of fucking moron gets married on a Sunday during football season?!?! A gay moron, that’s what kind.

PS. I understand that people turned on the word verification thing to prevent spam comments, but why do they make the friggen letters so hard to read?

PPS ever since I got back every blog takes about 2 minutes to load, blogger comments take about 5 minutes to load, and Blogger.com takes about 10 minutes to load. Every other site is fine and it’s only on my laptop. I’m very annoyed.

Krunked!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

18!

I want 18 comments on this post. You can say whatever the hell you want. But I've now had 3 posts in a row with 18 comments, and I want a 4th. Whoever messes it up gets the divorce papers.

My laptop can't walk and chew gum at the same time

Yesterday I was so excited to be back blogging. I missed it. I’m gay. Yesterday I felt like I had 100 things I could have written, but thought I’d save them. Now I forget what they were. I guess whatever it was must not have been important, but everything I write is important, so I don’t know what happened.

My Internet/Blogger blows. I have to shut down IE every two seconds.

I like vacation better than work.

Did you know planes now have individual tv’s? On our way home I watched Mr. And Mrs. Smith (entertaining but bad), Crash (awesome!), Hitch (I hate Will Smith!), Scrubs, Sex in the City. Way over I watched Cheers, Scrubs, Sex in the City, Hotel Rowanda (good, not great) and I think another movie, but I can’t remember.

Bowling league starts tonight. I’m gay. I’m not actually on the team, I’m just Titso’s sub since she’s in Atlanta all week. She’s gay too.

I’m boring.

FUCK!

Fucking Trotter!

Fucking McNabb!

Fucking Eagles!

Fucking You!

So romantic it made me puke

I’ve been trying to think of fun or exciting stories from my honeymoon to tell, but I really don’t have any. (Except when Jim Belushi walked into a restaurant we were at) So, I’ll tell you about the night I puked.

I haven’t puked in over a year I think. And I only puked because I did about 20 shots at my brother’s bachelor party. Well, it was the last night of the tour we did on the honeymoon and I got drunk. I hadn’t been drunk at all because we had to wake up between 6 and 6:45 every morning, so I didn’t drink much. I knew it was the last day, so I polished off a bottle of wine by myself. After a Guinness. Then followed that up with three pints of more beer.

Titso and I were in high spirits and although I don’t remember it, I apparently did a dance for her in my underwear. Photographic evidence has been obtained. We were making each other laugh non-stop. We were trying to have sex but we couldn’t stop laughing and making each other laugh. I laughed so hard I threw up. On her. No, not really on her. Just in my mouth, so I ran to the bathroom. I’m sooo romantic.


P.S. Is my laptop just still on vacation, or is blogger eating ass today?

Honeymoon pics

Don't know if this will work. There's 5 albums if you care to look at them all. I'll post more some time tomorrow, after I got through the billion emails I'm sure to have.

Free Internet!

Our suite in Sorrento has free internet, how sweet! Still doing a lot of walking, but also we're also doing a lot of relaxing. Sorrento is amazingly beautiful, and the view from our hotel room is ridiculous. I'll post pictures next week. don't got much to say. hope you all had good memorial day weekends.

Something cool

Today we watched glass blowing in Venice. That was cool. I love watching things get blown.

In Venice this time

I'll tell you what, you do a lot of fucking walking when you go to Italy. Not my ideal honeymoon. Waking up at 6:45 every morning, not getting drunk because you have to wake up too early, and then walking for 10 hours a day. I've eaten pizza and pasta every meal and I've probably lost 10 pounds because it's non stop walking. my feet are sore, i'm tired of museums and art. i want to lie in bed for the next week. not gonna happen. plus i miss you guys... uh huh...

6am in Rome

And Im blogging. How much of a fucking loser am I? The keybpard is all fucked up, so i, just typing as if i was home- We walked about 24 miles yesterday, then got drunk and titso pulled a me... She passed out on me- How rude is that__ Anyway, I.m paying by the minute to use this, so I gotta go, but thanks for all your kind words about titsoàs hotness. I gotta go wake her ass up! Arreviderce.

Best Presents

My brother gave us a video camera (home made pron coming soon!)

Titso's sister wrote a poem. Really awesome. Like, so good I might post it sometime because it should be published

Boatloads of money.

Still waiting to see what you get me.

Yes, you.

Wedding recap

As you may have read, my day started at around 4:30am when I woke up. I stayed awake and we golfed at 9am. I haven't golfed in 2 months and I played the best golf in my life. A good sign I guess. Though I did forget to bring my suit with me, so I had to drive 40 minutes to go pick it up. Anyway, most of my groomsmen met up at my friend's house and we got ready and drank some Johnny Walker and bonded. The limo picked us up and dropped us off to wait for the bride... and wait... and wait.... and wait. A half hour after the ceremony was set to begin, they arrived...

This is boring the shit out of me. The photograpers were annoying. The entire cocktail (hehe, I said cock) hour was pictures. The first dance was pretty awesome I guess. When it started we didn't think they were playing the right song, but then it kicked in and it was amazing. Several people asked us if we took lessons. Obviously the bartenders were lacing beers with crack. After the first dance, the annoyingness set in. And by annoying I mean talking to people. Trying to talk to 225 people in 10 minutes doesn't work out too well. And when you find out some people don't give you thier card until you talk to them things get hectic. AND, very early in the night I talked to one of my dad's friends and he handed me his card and told me I had to talk to all his friends to get thier cards. His card wasn't sealed, so I looked into it and saw a check for $500. I immediately ran over to all his friends, all his friends wives, and I even tried to talk to his waiters to see if they were witholding anything. Titso and I are completely blown away at the generousity of people... or at least people you talk to.

Ther'e so many stories to tell that will probably bore you so I'll just recap. Played golf. Forgot suit. Got suit. Got dressed. Rode in Hummer limo. Got married. Got choked up and had to whisper my vows to avoid crying. Titso looked unbelievable (see below). Didn't eat any hour' dourvs because of pictures. Did shots. Danced pretty good. Didn't eat much. Did shots. Was nice during cake cutting. Did shots. Took pictures. Talked to people for 3 hours. Did shots. Wanted to dance. Danced to best wedding band EVER! (as told to us by at least 10 people) Did shots. Went to cousin's afterparty. Drank beers. Went to hotel. Got upgraded to honeymoon suite. Passed out. Didn't get laid. Woke up next morning. Got laid. YEAH!!!









I'm sure I'll log on from Italy because my fantasy baseball team is winning week 1 of playoffs, so I have to check on them. And you.

It's 5am somewhere

Oh, it's 5am here. Less than 3 hours of sleep on my wedding day. A combination of nervousness and excitedness has caused my lack of sleep, and ability to make up words by just adding "ness" to the ends of them. I'm not here looking for you guys to root me on, you've done a great job of that already. I'm just excited and need to release and work out some words. I need to release in more than one way. 12 hours!

My rehersal dinner was great. My mom made like a 15 minute presentation of pictures of Kym and I growing up, then growing together. It was nice. And then my dad got up and talked. He was an emotional wreck. Which made me cry. He wrote me a poem because he says he knows I've written poems before to express my feelings and he wanted to give it a try. Which made me cry more. Then I stood up and tried to thank everyone, but I couldn't get it out without the voice trembles because being a little bitch runs in the family. I wasn't prepared to do that, which I think is the main reason I'm awake right now. At least at church I just repeat after the priest, but I'm pretty sure Kym or I will be expected to say something at the wedding, and I know she hates doing that so I'm going to probably step in. Half the people there have probably never heard my voice since I'm so quiet. So, this is what I'm thinking of saying...

I know right now Kym is nervous that I'm going to ramble on like usual, so I'll keep it short. I just want to thank Kym's parents for all thier help in putting this together. Even from Virginia you were an amazing help and support system to us trying to get this day to happen. So, a huge thank you for all your help. I'm joining a great family. And a personal thank you from me for raising such and an amazing and beautiful daughter. I can't go into my feelings for her right now or I'll end up crying. So, I'll move on and say thank you to my parents. I really can't even express in words how thankful we are for everything you've done to make this day what it is. And for me, I can't express how blessed I am to have been brought up in such a great family. And a personal thank you from me for raising such an amazing and beautiful son. I can't go into my feelings on me right now or I'll end up crying. (pause for laughs) And to everyone that has joined us today, a special shout out to you all. You all mean the world to us and we're so happy you're here today to help us celebrate. Drink up bitches!

Happy HNT

In the words of the great Glass Tiger: Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone.

My Muscles

I just took a close look at my starburst profile picture. I noticed my right arm is a lot bigger than my left arm. I wonder why...

I think I'll read a few blogs today

How the fuck do you expect me to get anything done today? Seriously. I walk out of this building later today and don’t have to come back in for 19 mother fucking days!

Uh Oh

If you ever met me in non-internet person, you might be surprised at how quiet and shy I am (considering how post happy and comment whorey I can be here). Working with my fiancé, and 3 days away from the wedding, I get talked to more now than ever before. Usually people know to just ignore me, but at least 15 times a day now I get, “So, are you nervous?” I give the same answer every time, “I hate being the center of attention, so I’m not looking forward to that, but no, I’m not nervous.”

Well, yesterday when I shut down my computer, I stood up to walk out, and I thought to myself “OK, two more days of work, then I’m off to get married.” And my stomach dropped into my uterus.

Me, all my friends, my family, and a few cousins are golfing the morning of my wedding. I have a feeling I’m going to get hit in the face with an errant ball. (no sexual jokes please) (nah, go ahead). I feel like I’m going to pull my back out and I’ll have to be wheeled down the isle. The limo is going to be late. I have to check into the hotel and pick a bridesmaids husband up there… I’m going to be late. I’m going to get a ginormous zit on my face. The band is going to suck. I’m going to cry during my vows. Or laugh. I’m not going to sleep the night before. People aren’t going to have fun. No one will dance. One of my crazy relatives will make a scene. I’m going to pass out during the ceremony. Or puke. I’m not even going to get started about the first dance. The food is going to suck. The bartenders will suck. God no, not bad bartenders, please.


OR, maybe everything will be fine and I just need to get laid. Seven weeks sans sex should not be attempted by anyone.

Weekend lowlights

Friday night after 20 beers, Titso and I practiced our wedding dance for the first time. Our song is “Beyond the Sea” by Bobby Darin. The song has some pep to it, so we can’t just hang on each other. I think I’m an ok dancer and she is a self-proclaimed bad dancer. It. Was. Ugly. Tripping, broken toenails, dropped dips, and every other aspect of bad dancing took place. We’re going to embarrass the shit out of ourselves.

I’d never blame alcohol for anything, but after all that drinking and bad dancing Friday night I got a charely horse at 6am Saturday morning. I haven’t gotten one since one night 4 years ago when I had about 8 red bull and vodkas. (not real red bull, but red bull knockoff) Upon being woken up to the piercing pain, my thought process went like this “AHHHH!! Oh my God!!! A charely horse! YESS! I love charley horses!! Wait, no I don’t. owww! Stop, God make it stop! I’m so tired. So very tired... sleep please come back to me. Sleepppp…. Ouch....” zzzzzzzz…

I don’t know what the hell prompted me to think I like charley horses.

Crap!!

I was just about to do something work related when my boss told me I had to leave and go to happy hour. So… peace!

Is this seat taken?

It’s official. There’s a plague going on in my office. It’s name is Tim. Everyone that sits around me has either quit or been fired in the past 6 months. One cube even had two people come and go. In our team of 30 people, 5 have quit or been fired in the past 6 months, and they all have one thing in common. They sit next to me. Here’s an illustration*:



But hey, look! Here comes Titso to cheer me up!



I've been whitening my teeth, can you tell?


*I've got mad Paint skills.

Creative Juices

For some reason it seems a lot of the blogs I read are written by people who live on the wrong coast. I do have a few east coasters that I read, but the majority are from over there. Another thing I’ve noticed is that most people that blog from work seem to come in and write something right away. So when the west coasters get in, they give me something to read around noon. And I thank you all for that.

I’m not one of those people that can come in and quickly spout something off. It takes a while to get my creative juices flowing. Sometimes I’ll wake up in the morning with my creative juices raging from all my crazy dreams. So much so that I can barely contain myself. Sometimes I even roll over and unleash my creative juices on titso. Of course, it’s been a while since that’s happened. But generally, I’m the type of guy who needs to take his time. Slowly ease into my post. Get the creative juices flowing slowly at first. Then as I start massaging my post it becomes more fluid, easier to work. Then eventually my creative juices are unleashed when I hit the publish button. Which I probably won’t do for this retarded post.

My suicide scar

For HNT this week I thought I'd post one of my scars. Last year we were dog sitting so we kept the cat on one floor and the dog on the other. By the end of the week, they were both calmly sitting by the door, so I thought they'd be ok. I picked up the cat to protect her. Bad move number one. They kinda sniffed each other when the cat flipped out. Gave me a huge x-marked scar. It's fading now, but it looked like I tried to kill myself for the first 4 months. You have to look really close to see any abnormalities. Can you see anything?

My greatest years

I just started thinking about what years of my life were the greatest. So, I had to write them down to decide.

0-9
attended Phillies world series winner (5)
1st memory of seeing vagina (7)

10-19
broke arm(11)
1st kiss(13)
spanked it(13)
got drunk (13)
hit a walk off homerun (13)
broke wrist (16)
got booty (17)
fell in love the 1st time (18)

20-29
started working for a miserable living (21)
got 1st lapdance (22)
all conference collegiate swimmer (20,21)
shagged most girls at age (23)
bought 1st house (25)
did a triathlon (27)
ran a marathon (28)
started blogging (29)
bought “forever” home (29)
will get married (29)

As of right now, it looks like 13 was my golden year. I might have to keep adding to this to decide.

The countdown continues...

One month from today I'll be 30. Ewww!!

So, what in the world are you gonna get me?

A letter to the one I love

Dear Tim,

I understand that you want to be tan for your wedding. And I know you have to suck up the gayness of a tanning salon to get there. But, when the girl asks you if you want to do the max amount of time, she’s not challenging you. You have nothing to prove. You’re going to end up with a sunburnt ass. And penis.

Love Always,
Tim

Social Caterpillar

It’s a good thing Titso is a social butterfly. We just got surprised at work with a wedding shower and it was a good start to the bathtub o’ loot. About 30 people were there and they all chipped in for some good presents and gift certificates. It was really surprising because of the 30 people there, I socialize with a about ½ of one of them. I don’t like people, but they can be ok sometimes.

PS. I’m sorry every post is about my retarded wedding these days. Soon enough I’ll be back to posting about my ass.

PPS. I first spelled caterpillar as "Catapillar", and the suggestion from the blogger spell check? staplers.

Thank You

since Titso has done about 95% of the planning for this wedding, she's making me write the Thank You letter that goes in the church program. I'm not usually too good at saying thank you to people, but I think what I came up with is pretty nice.

"We would like to thank all of you for joining us to celebrate our big day. Everyone that is here today has affected our lives in a positive way and we are very grateful for everything you’ve done to help us get to where we are today. Except those of you who we don’t even really know. And those of you who are actually dicks and didn’t do shit for us. We want to thank everyone for the buttload of cash you better have brought with you today. Tomorrow we plan on filling our bathtub and swimming in it all. We would also like to thank our parents for creating the two best-looking humans on the face of this earth. I can’t believe how lucky I am when I look at the beauty staring back at me, in my mirror. Although this whole small penis thing I got going is kinda bullshit. But anyway, this wedding cost a lot of fucking money and we want to thank our parents for all the help with that. So, everyone better eat all their food, take a piece of cake with you, and I better see at least 5 or 6 people in the hospital lying along side me with me with alcohol poising tomorrow."

Post bachelor party fallout

I’ve got this one friend who always has to be the center of attention. Which is why I wasn’t surprised on Thursday night when he told me he was bringing his girlfriend to my bachelor party. He was supposedly already going to be downtown with her, so he was going to meet us at the strip club. Being the laid back-I-could-give-a-shit-less kind of person that I am, I said I didn’t care. I’ve been friend with him for 25 years, so I’m used to this kind of shit from him.


So, they meet us there and I was so drunk I don’t really remember much, so as far as I knew Saturday everything was fine. Until Titso told me she knew she showed up. Titso is friends with everyone. Except her. Every one of my friend’s wives/girlfriends gets along except this one girl. Her appearance did not make Titso a happy girl. At her, him, or me. She thinks I should have told my friend not to bring her. And she’s probably right, as usual. Titso’s so pissed off and feels disrespected that she wants me to un-invite her to the wedding. I avoid drama at all costs and tomorrow night at my softball game I’m going to have to tell him this. He savors drama at all costs so it’s going to be a huge ordeal and I hate this shit. I’d fight the cause with Titso to just let her be invited but my brother told me last night that this girl was supposedly yelling at me at the strip club because I was paying attention to the strippers and not to her. And that’s where the line was crossed for me.

what I remember

Strippers love vanilla scented lotion.

It's 12:18pm and I'm still drunk with visions of ass in my face.



I forgot and remembered that I'm an assman.

I'm off to see the strippers, the wonderful strippers of Oz, because, because, because, of the wonderful things they does.

High and Dry. Low and Wet.

With this being "casual summer" at work, I’m wearing my adidas sandals today. I was just in the bathroom taking a leak. Upon completion, I did the shake thing that guys do, when there was a sudden Martix-esque slow motion time freeze. Out of the corner of my eye I watched a drop of urine slowly fall. Slowly. It dropped. Towards my exposed middle toe. Too many years of alcohol abuse to the brain prevented the message from being sent to my foot to move it. So, slowly, I watched the drop of piss land on my foot. I zipped up, washed my hands, and came back to my desk. It’s starting to dry now.

Tonight I celebrate my love for you

Five hours until my bachelor party starts. Seven hours until I’m so drunk I can’t see.

Case Study Complete

Girl boobs get more comments than man boobs.

An HNT Quiz

1. Vince Vaughn, Clint Eastwood, Frank Sinatra, Tim. Put these people in the order of who's the coolest. What number does Tim fall in at?
2. _____ is the loneliest number
3. I am going to have ___ vagina(s) for the rest of my life.
4. The avergage penis length is 5 to 6 inches. How many inches is Tim's penis?
5. ____ more day(s) until I get some stripper boobies in my face?


and

the

answers

are

..

..

..




Thats right!

ONE!

If you answered one to all the above questions, you win. A high five. From me. Next time I see you.

If I were a female I think I would maximize my comments by posting pictures of my boobs everyday.

Take this blood and shove it

Blood drive at work today. I tried to give, but couldn’t because I was in Punta Cana in February. I had this week’s HNT picture all planned around that. I was going to place my “Be Nice to me, I gave Blood Today” sticker strategically over a certain part of my body.

I wonder if they check your blood alcohol content when you donate. I think I’m sober, but what if I wasn’t and they gave my blood to someone and it got them drunk. That would rock.

We won!

3-2. We rule. One more win and we're in the championship.

oh yeah, and I had 15 home runs. I'm pretty awesome, aren't I?

Is my wedding talk boring you yet?

So, I’ve recently heard that brides and grooms are supposed to exchange gifts on their wedding day. What kind of bullshit is that? The billion dollars* I spent on the engagement ring, wedding band, wedding and everything else isn’t enough? What the fuck am I supposed to get her? She’s already getting me. That’s better than any gift money can buy.


* approximately

Where is my mind?

Round two in our softball playoffs start tonight. We’ve never beaten the team we’re playing in our 5 years in the league. With half my mind on that, half my mind on the wedding, and the other half of my mind on work, I can’t think of anything to say.

fuck yeah!

I can log on again!! Thank the lord because I wouldn't have lasted too long the otherway.

Weekend by the Letters

So, I tried to send this earlier, but it didn't post.... I'll try it again...

A ss play I got: zero.
B lowjobs. Lots of blowjobs. My answer in marriage class to "What does marriage mean to you?"
C ousin of Mine. Drunkest girl at the bachelorette party
D rinks consumed: 4. My lowest weekend total ever.
E ntourgae. Entire season watched.
F our am. Time I went to bed after waiting up for Titso to get home to make sure she brought home no male strippers.
G arage cleaned.
H aloscan. Can't log onto it.
I ce cream from Dairy Queen eaten.
J ennings. Peter. Kicked the bucket.
K ana-pre. What I did for 8 hours yeterday.
L osers. What the Phillies are.
M ail-E. How I'm posting this.
N oon. Time I woke up Saturday.
O ne Thirty am. Time I stayed up till watching Miami Ink last night.
P anic. What I just did when I complained about my email. The took remote control of my computer and perused my emails.
Q uickly. How I want my email fixed.
R erdum. Watched The Shining this weekend.
S tatcounter and blogger. Can't log on to them still.
T wo fourty-five am. Time I cracked the first of my 4 beers.
U nderwear color: White. With brown stripes.
V egetebles picked from old houses' garden: tomatoes, and green, banana, and jalepeno peppers.
W edding countdown: 18 days.
X XX movies purchased: zero.
Y oung MC songs heard: zero.
Z ero: times I got Boo-tay.

This is a test

I'm testing out the "email to blog" feature in case I can't log on Monday.  Sitting at home right now.  Titso's at her bacholerette party right now.  Mine's next friday.  Can't wait to see boobs.

My blog is in Jeopardy

I'm posting from home right now. My boss told everyone to go home early because "it's too hot out." Not really sure what that has to do with anything since we work indoors, but I ran out the door anyway.

I could not log onto my blog from work today. I couldn't get on haloscan, nor could I get on statcounter.

The other week I put a request in to our desktop services to have the apostrophe removed from my email address. It causes problems, so I wanted it out. Last night they tried to remove it. It didn't work and they fucked up my email big time. They never got it back up today, so I can't be sure if my inability to log on to blogger is associated with that or what. I can't imagine it would be. I fear they may have taken a look at my email and internet usage and they may have cut me off from these three site that I'm on for 8 hours a day. I was able to see my blog, see everyone else's blogs, but I couldn't log onto to anything to leave comments or to post blogs.

If they did cut me off, I can't imagine I'll keep this blog for much longer. 99% of my blogs are written at work. I just don't have the creative drive from home that I have at work and I don't think I'd do it from here if I couldn't also do it at work. I can only hope today was a fluke.

Safe at Third

Got this bruise/scrape/raspberry Tuesday night sliding into third base. I was safe, of-fucking-course.

Happy HNT

Ever heard this before?

I may have told this before, but I don't care. Bite Me.

I was a swimmer in college. And as in most sports and all fraternities, the freshman go through some sort of hazing/initiation process. When I was a freshman, every freshman got “ridden”. This took place after practice in the locker room. All the upper classmen stayed in the showers until a particular freshman was getting dressed. Then the upperclassmen started a slow clap. The clap built in volume and speed until they were frantic. Several people would grab the freshman while one particularly perverted upperclassman dragged his ball sack across the freshman’s face. I was the only freshman out of 7 my year that did not get ridden. My initiation was a much more public embarrassment.

It happened as practice was ending on a Monday afternoon. On Mondays the guy’s team swam before the girl’s. As we were warming down, the girls team was poolside stretching before their practice. I was swimming along when there were suddenly about 6 or 7 upperclassmen on top of me. Ripping my suit off me. I struggled to keep it on, but 1 against 7 doesn’t go too well. One upperclassman (not surprisingly, the “ridder” from the other initiation) took my suit and put it on the high dive. Oh, and our school had one of the best diving facilities in the area, so along with our diving team, there were about 6 age group divers practicing, and all the age group’s parents were sitting around watching. So, I’m in the main pool, naked, and my suit is on the high dive. I’m thinking to myself, “Fuck, what do I do?” When suddenly half of the girls team dives in the pool to start their practice. In a panic, I jumped out of the main pool and into the diving pool. After uproarious laugher from the whole guy’s team and the girl’s team who hadn’t yet started, I decided to say screw it. I got out of the pool, naked, walked up the ladder to the high dive, got my suit and jumped in the pool as about 45 people stared, pointed, and laughed at my shrinkage.

I later found out the proper protocol of this particular initiation is to just stay in the pool until someone gets the suit. Oh well, fuck it.

Nothing

When it’s time for me to go to lunch and I haven’t yet blogged anything, I feel a twang of disappointment in myself. I’m not 100% sure what a twang feels like, but I’d venture to guess it feels like a mini hernia.
------
Not everyone can be the best at everything. Sometimes 6th place is just as rewarding as first. Even if you don’t know what the hell the website is that put you 6th.
------
I got nothing right now.

I tip my 40

Six months was the longest I ever went without booty. I didn’t pop my proverbial cherry until I was in college. I was a late bloomer. I dated a girl for over a year at the end of high school, but we never did it. But, once I got started I didn’t stop. I always went from one girlfriend to another. Or at least to a hook up, or a booty call, or a friend with benefits. I dated a girl for 3 and a half years in college. When we broke up I started seeing another girl. I was a senior, she was a freshman. I was a horny 21 year old, she was a virgin. But I liked her. I respected her desire to wait. She went home for the summer, I graduated. She lived in the Hamptons on Long Island, I lived in Philly. We saw each about once a month in the summer. It was 6 months before she came back to school and we finally did the deed. 6 months. God, I was crazy.

When we broke up I moved on to the next girl. And so on and so on until I met Titso. In the 8 years since my six month hiatus, I can’t remember going the four weeks I just went without it.

This is my tribute to booty. I love you booty. I missed you booty. I’ll see you again in 24 days booty.

You had me at HBO

When Entourage ended last season we canceled our HBO because it’s a rip off when there’s no new shows on. We just got it back and I spent two hours last night watching the first 4 episodes of this season On Demand. That show is so fucking awesome I want to kick stuff. Then, when I was about to turn the tv off, I noticed You Got Served was on HBO. What a high quality flick that is! I don’t know about you guys, but I think Omarion is the next Sidney Poitier.

Bump in the road

Did you really expect me to go 7 weeks? Did you really expect me to move into a new house and not christen it? You should be ashamed of yourselves.

2/3. 1/2.

2 out of 3 posts about Titso.
2 out of 3 posts about the size of my manhood.

Yesterday when we were shopping for the connection wires for the dryer I picked up what I needed. Titso said “Are you sure that’s right?” I said “Yeah, it’s a ½ inch pipe. Plus it has ‘O.D.’ on it, so I know its for me.” (OD is my nickname. And I have no idea what the O.D. stood for on the wire.) She said “A half inch pipe for OD? That sounds about right.”

Awesomeness

Welp, we moved this weekend. Moving is so much fun. I highly recommend breaking your back for several days in a row. You can’t beat the funness in that! And what I really can’t wait for is the house to explode. Our dryer was electric, and we couldn’t put it in the new house, so we had to buy a gas dryer. And I had to hook it up myself. It’s going to be such a laugh when our house explodes when we’re cooking dinner tonight. Someday we’ll look back and giggle!


But, in actuality, the house is amazing. I can’t believe this is my life sometimes. Until I look at myself naked in the mirror and I’m brought back to reality.