Things I'm too old for

Last night I had a softball game. I wear shorts. I was on 2nd base when a guy hit a bomb. It was caught and the outfielder fell backwards. I tried to tag up from 2nd to home (3rd base coach’s call). I slid, I was out. I got a bruise on my ass, a scrape on my leg, and cut my arm. But we won! We're 4-1 for the first time ever. Softball’s awesome.

As requested

no baby yet

Hairy and the Hendersons

As Fall turns to Winter, Winter turns to Spring, and Spring turns to Summer, there’s one thought that is on everyone’s mind: how does my chest look in a bathing suit? In particular, my nips. In particular, my nip hair. For pretty much my whole life I was not a hairy person. But, since I was a swimmer, I had to shave my entire body several times a year, which, scientifically proven or not, made me a hairier person. All of the hair on my chest grows at the same rate except the hairs around my nipples. It’s probably a 3 to 1 growth ratio. If chest hairs are manly, these hairs are Supermanly. Example:



So, this leaves my nipples in a quandary. I am not a chest shaving kind of person, so how do I treat these freak hairs? Do I trim them to be the same size as the rest of my manly chest hairs? Do I shave them? Do I let them spread their wings? Wax? Yank? It’s impossible to decide. It’s decisions like this that make me glad I’m not a girl.

Immunity

A true alcoholic builds up such a tolerance for alcohol that beer just doesn’t do the job for them. A drug addict goes from weed to coke to anything stronger to get them high. I think my wife has become a pregaholic. When she got pregnant she stopped drinking and doing anything that would harm the baby. She tried to take it easy, but that didn’t last long. She joined a bowling league and didn’t stop bowling until somewhere around week 36. She traveled across the country up until the doctor told her to stop. Every weekend she spends about 4 hours outside on her hands and knees gardening. Her feet hurt too much to go on long walks too much anymore, yet she’s on her feet cleaning or doing something around the house for about 6 hours a day. She’s built up a tolerance to the 7-8 pound baby inside of her. One day past due and I don’t see an end anywhere in sight. The raspberry tea, mac and cheese with Worchester sauce, bumby roads, sex, or whatever other things are supposed to induce labor just won’t work. She’s immune to what’s going on inside of her.

A failed post

I tried to make a list of things I will be doing this weekend with each thing starting with a letter of the alphabet. But, as it turns out, if we don’t have this baby, then I’ll pretty much be sitting on my ass all weekend trying to get rest while it’s still possible.

I changed the tone of my other blog from Super Sperm to the real baby blog so I wouldn’t talk about baby crap here. But when I sit back and try to think of something to write about all I think about is baby crap. Baby crap, or tv shows. Speaking of which, how great was the season finale of the Office? I wasn’t around last week to talk about it. It was awesome, but is the show now ruined? The inter-office flirting won’t be as interesting if they actually get together, and it will stop if they don’t. Maybe next season will be all about Dwight and Angela.

** Addendum **

I have an unhealthy man-love for Britney's new mustached bodyguard.


Courtesy of Trent

Things are starting to trickle back to normal at work and hopefully my blogging will get back to normal. I was busy all day yesterday, but I needed a day away from the madness, so I worked from home. I worked all day, but I was able to work while Jerry Springer was in front of me. It was a “Marry me right now” episode. I know this is going to sound shocking, but the people that wanted to get married later found out their loved one was cheating on them. Usually with someone of the same sex. Madness!

Anyway, no news on the baby front. No dialation. No nothing. All those labor inducing old wives tales are bullshit! Bullshit I say!

I was out last night at a softball game then dealing poker so I didn’t get to watch Lost yet. I can’t wait to go home and watch that and the finale of amazing race. Thank God I have two tivos! Though last night we needed a thurd because Titso and I are obsessed with Dateline’s To Catch a Predator. Those guys should all be put to death.

Grey's Boreotomy

I just started getting into this show earlier this year. And all I have to say is that was just about the most boring/stupid season finale ever. The black dude won’t lose control of his hands. Unless she wanted to leave the show, the big boobed chick won’t quit. I knew from the first episode I ever watched that Denny would kick the bucket. There was about an hour in the middle of the show that I just wanted to fall asleep. Meredith is in love with McGayey like a stupid high school girl and it’s annoying. They stole a heart? Come on. And then a doctor from another hospital performed a heart transplant on a whim? Retarded. I can’t wait for Desperate Housewives this week to get my dose of good tv… Uh huh…


Oh, and the most emotional part of the show? When the dog died.

Sex, boobs, and Mac and Cheese

Titso is a mere 6 days from due. We've decided that we want the baby to come this Wednesday. My b-day is Sept. 17th, her's is June 17th, so it would be cool if the baby was May 17th. (Everytime we watch Deal or No Deal we pick case 17. We'd be two rich bitches right now) So, for the next day and a half we're going to try every labor inducing wives' tale in the book. Tonight it's Mac and Cheese with Worcester sauce. Tomorrow is the never-fail labor inducing sex. 2 minutes of pleasure followed by 20 hours of pain. Got any other suggestions for me?

A post

Sorry for those of you who thought I was off being a dad. No baby yet.

On April 30th I installed a software program written by myself and the girl I work closely with. Two days later it was discovered that the coding she did caused problems. Big Problems. We reversed the code and I worked more than I ever have helping to get that problem resolved. All of last week I worked crazy hours.

This past Tuesday was the worst day of my professional career. It was discovered, after 9 days, that the code I wrote had a gigantic problem. Not an easily recognizable problem, but one with enormous consequences. On Tuesday I wanted to quit, go home, pack my house, move to China, or go somewhere that no one knows my name (Norm!). For the past three work days I've been working with everyone who can possibly help me to get this resolved. A team of about 15 people will still be working through tomorrow to help me get this resolved and another 15 will be talking me off the ledge.

Every post I've written over the past two weeks was written at home, or contrived in my head at home. Very rare for me. So, while I can pretty much gaurantee I won't have a post tomorrow, I hope I can can get a few minutes to read everyone's blogs. And what I can definitely do is wish Giselle good luck getting married this weekend, and have you tell Titso good luck if I don't post anymore before the baby.

I hope to be back to normal soon. Boobs!

help

What the hell do I get Titso for soon to be Mother's Day?

Real-time Blaining

8pm – the show begins.

8:01pm – this is horrible. Fast forward to the end.

9:45pm – David is getting a countdown to when he is going to start the “magic trick”

9:45:30 – 30 more seconds until he starts

9:45:55 – Fuck this, I can hold my breath for 9 minutes too, I’m going for it.

9:46 – I take my last breath. My record breaking breath hold begins.

15 seconds – This is going to be easy.

30 seconds - The clock is practically moving in fast motion. This is the worlds easiest trick.

1 minute – still strong. 1 down, 8 to go.

1:05 – wait, 8 more to go?

1:15 – I gotta start listening to Blaine’s coach. Soothing techniques probably work well.

1:30 – yep. Eyes closed. My feet are relaxed. My whole body is now using less energy. On my way.

1:45 – fuck.

1:50 – I might die

1:55 – I gotta beat this fucker.

2:00 – my lungs are going to explode.

2:04 – UUGUGHGH!!!

2:05 – I didn’t make it. I can’t breath. I can’t see. Am I dead? Grandpa? What are you doing in my bedroom? You’re dead, you can’t be here. What’s going on?

2:30 – I regain consciousness.

3:00 – I think Blaine is starting to undo his chains or something. I don’t care. He cheated. He was trained by Navy Seals. This show sucks.

7:00 – HA! You little bitch. You fell way short. You suck. I rule. I’d have made it to 9 minutes if I didn’t go to the bar earlier tonight.

7:10 – ahh, in true, David “I used to bang Fiona Apple” fashion, he’s having two hot chicks pull him from the water.

7:20 – whoa, that one chick has a meaty ass.

7:45 – Oh my God, that’s not a chick. I need more oxygen.

I'm tired. So Tired. I'm tired of having P.

Poker – played yesterday. Finished 6th out of 78.

Parties – Went to a 2 year old birthday, then a 50 year old birthday. Two year old’s was freakin mayhem with about 45 kids running around. 50 year old’s was freakin mayhem with all my cowokers singing karaoke.

Puke – what I almost did at 5am the morning after the parties where I went from Amstel Light, to Heineken, to vodka, to Miller Light.

Pounds – 1350. The approximate weight of the 3 yards of mulch I got delivered and moved into our gardens yesterday before poker.

Pack and Play – one of the only big things we didn’t get at our baby showers. Bought it Friday night. Yep, nothing like hittin up Babies R Us on a Friday night!

Pathetic – Desperate Housewives. I hate myself for continuing to watch that horrible show.

Py family – The Philly family that was on Extreme Makeover last week that I finally watched last night. It was probably the least sad story out of any Extreme Makeover show ever. It sucks that these kids mom and dad died, but that bad shit happens all the time. They were given a new house, $150K, and free college tuitions, and they STILL put up a link to donate more money to the family. Do they really deserve that much?!?

Picked out names yet? – The question asked a million times to Titso and I at parties.

Pee – smells from eating asparagus last night

Pixie – the skank that gave me this.


"If you'd like to play, I will give you a letter. Write ten words beginning with that letter in your blog, including an explanation of why you chose it, and then pass out letters to those who want to play along."

Happy HPT! (Half Poem Thursday)

I’m sorry that I’ve been too busy
To write anything funny.
And now I’ve started sneezing,
And my nose is all runny.

I come into work and
I read all your blogs,
When I got home last night,
I went for a jogs.

Everyday around eleven,
I start to get real busy.
I have three parties on Satuday,
That are sure to rock the hizzy.

Something got screwed up
And I’m dousing the fire.
That black guy on Lost
Is apparently a liar.

I’ve got nothing to do right now,
So I’m writing a post.
My favorite actor from Happy Days
Is probably Donny Most.

But I’m sure in about an hour,
I’ll be stuck on a call.
The best thing about a tiger attack,
Is using the word “maul.”

And I’m sure I’ll get stuck here,
And I’ll have to work late.
I’m thinking we’ll do silent birth,
Like Tom and like Kate.

I’ll go home tonight,
I’ll be awake until One.
Today is going to be 80
With nothing but Sun.

And I’ll wake up tomorrow
And do it all over.
Red Rover Red Rover
Please shoot me.

What pigment causes most plants to be colored green?

An hour ago if someone asked me what Chloraphil (aka, chlorophyll) was, I honestly wouldn't have been able to tell them. "Chloraphil? more like bore-a-phil!" was just a line from Billy Madison that I thought would make a good blog title. (bonus brownie points to whoever knows my original title). I thought the title was kinda fitting because as much as I'd like to sound smart, scientific or brainy, I usually just sound boring and use words that aren't real. So, anyway, I was just watching Cash Cab and the question was "What pigment causes most plants to be colored green?" I instinctivly knew the answer before it was given.

You learn something new you already knew everyday.

Diversion

Until I can write something of my own today, I direct you to Pixie's prediction of what Baby-bore-a-phil will look like

S/he's beautiful!

5 things on my desk that don't rhyme with each other

1. Orange
2. Phone
3. Vitamin
4. Dice
5. Lice

Disgusting!

A few years ago I learned the hard way that ducks are one of only a handful of animals that rape. I was and always will be scarred by this incident. I thought that I'd seen the worst of ducks. Until today. Not only do ducks rape, but apparently they also kill thier own children and use them as slippers.

I posted this on my baby blog, but I like it, so it's going here too. bitches.

There’s a lot I look forward to in being a dad. With a boy, the thing I most look forward to is having catches, playing sports and all other guy stuff that dads and sons do. With a girl I think I’ll probably be the kind of dad who has no problems having a make believe tea party with my girl and other things like that. With girls, I’m not even sure what they like because I didn’t have any sisters growing up. But, I know I’ll enjoy every minute with her.

The other big thing that I look forward to the most is watching how kid’s minds and imaginations work. Today is Take Your Child to Work Day and a 4 and a half year old boy was just being introduced to the people around me. He was introduced to me, “This is Tim. Tim’s going to be having a baby soon.” His response was, “Why? Did he eat a baby?” I can’t wait for awesome questions like that from my kid.

All the cool kids are doing it

I made it too easy I think. Quiz about Tim!

Sophie's Choice

Email recieved:

"The 2006 IT Diversity Council wants to showcase your ability in its upcoming

Talent Show & Art Exhibition at your site. Before we pursue this idea, we need to know how many of our fellow-employees would be interested in participating in these two events as artist and/or volunteers."


I've created so much amazing artwork over the past few months.

*** I deleted the pictures because I can't click on the links on my sidebar with cartoon nudity staring back at me. No matter how poorly it's MSPainted. ***

Porn or Children's book?

Come Sally.
Come, Come!
Oh, Sally.
Come Come!
Come Sally, Come!
Oh Sally!
See Sally go!
Go Sally, go.
Go, go, go!
Sally said, "Oh, see. See Mother go."
"Come Dick! Come, Jane! Come and go!"
Jane said, "Oh, Dick! See Sally and Tim."
"Oh, Oh, oh! See baby Sally go! Go, dick, go!"
Sally said, "oh, Mother!"
"See dick fall down. See Jane fall down."
"Funny Funny Dick and Jane."


This is the exact wording of a book we got yesterday. The only thing I added was the exclamation points. How am I supposed to read that to my kid with a straight face?

I saw dead people

This didn't post the first 13 times I tried, let me try again...


Friday Night: Watched King Kong. Proved to myself that I could never get through the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy. I can’t handle 3+ hours of action movies. And as much as I love Jack Black, he was horrible for this movie.

Saturday afternoon: Play poker. Get knocked out in the first hand.

Saturday late afternoon: Play poker again. Get 4th out of 100 people.

Saturday Night: The Body Worlds exhibit has been in Philadelphia since November. Titso has been dying to see it, yet we were too lazy to go down to check it out. This is the last weekend it’s in Philly, so the exhibit is open for 66 straight hours or something. The best tickets we could get were for midnight Saturday. So we went down. She loved it. I would have loved my bed more. If you’re not familiar with Body Worlds it’s an exhibit of dead people who donated their bodies to this exhibit. They “Plastinatize” the bodies, which basically halts decomposition. Then they strip away whatever muscles, bones, organs, arteries, or whatever they want to show specific parts of the human body. Basically you’re looking at dozens of actual dead people. It was cool at first, but I got bored at around 1:30am. If it comes to your town, I’d recommend it, but sometime before midnight.

Sunday: had the last of our real baby showers. Less than four weeks until I’m due to be a daddy. Say a pray for the future of our children who have to be raised by idiots like me.

Blogs are so over

I think we can all come to a friendly agreement that “blog” is not an attractive word. I know it makes sense in that it’s a combination of web and log, but I think it sounds more like something that comes out a baby’s diaper. “Little Timmy didn’t sleep well last night. He was crying for hours, plus he blogged all over himself.” So, obviously, a new word needs to be invented. Here’s my suggestions:

Blag: A combination of Blue and Fag. (The Euro word for cigarette you homophobe!) The word has to be pronounced with a British accent to get the full effect. I think if there were blue fags, EVERYBODY would write about them. More people would write about blue fags than blogs.

Blig: A combination of Blueberries and Pigs. Blueberry bacon. Best invention ever? I think so. Endless hours of Bligging would ensue.

Blug: A combo of Black and Bug. Kinda like a cockroach, but awesomer. You know what never dies? Cockroachs and Blugs.

Bleg: A combo of Outback Steakhouse’s Bloomin Onion, and a keg. Now picture someone hoisting your legs up for you to do a bleg stand. Could you resist writing about your experience doing a bleg stand? I think not.


Other suggestions are welcome, but they probably won't make as much sense as mine.

Trashy

I know I’m probably alienating* some of my readers, but is Middle America retarded (no offense to retards)? Ace needed to be voted off, but Kellie Pickler was by far the worst performer this week, and is by far the worst singer on the show.**

Yesterday I accidentally sent my friend an email in which I talked shit about him behind his back. We always talk trash about each other to each other’s faces, but I think the fact that I was ripping on him behind his back may cause me to lose my life the next time I see him.

I have a manager assimilation today. I basically get to talk trash about my manager for four hours and he finds out that trash was talked, but not who talked it. Unfortunately he hasn’t been my manager long enough for me to have any problems with him, so I’m reduced to making up lies. I’ll probably say he kicks puppies, uses handicap parking spots, and votes for Kellie Pickler.

*old school Popoalien

**I know the fact that I actually watch and care about American Idol makes me retarded

The good old days

Remember when I used to be funny? No? Well I was once. I think.

Even more of a fond memory... remember when you used to be funny? That was awesome when YOU were funny. What happened?

No more Brontosaurus burgers for me!

For the past five years I’ve been programming in a computer language called M. It’s basically only used for hospital and banking companies and it looks like computers looked like when they were invented in the 1400’s… well before Al Gore invented the internet. A few weeks ago I started a new position doing the same thing, with the promise that I’d get to program in Java, JSP, and other visual/graphical/windows based type languages. Today I finally got the hardware and software needed to do this and I will shortly be doing projects in these new languages. I’m so excited that I needed to take a break and blog about it. I’m finally stepping into the 21st century! Next thing you know I’ll be driving “cars”, or I’ll be watching movies on “laser disc”, or dancing like the “robot”.

Seriously

Where is everybody? Why doesn't anybody blog anymore? Is it not cool anymore? Seriously.

Tim and Titso: The Bronze Medalists of Awesome Couples

The two most famous couples in the world are pregnant. We are pregnant.


Brad and Angelina recently decided to have their baby in Namibia. We recently decided to have our baby in Pennsylvania. (both end in "ia".. coincidence??)


Tom Cruise recently reached level 7 Thetan in Scientology. One time a few years ago I reached level 7 in Tetris.


Brangelina and Tomkat conceived their babies out of wedlock. We conceived our baby within 48 hours of wedlock.


Tom got Katie to become a Scientologist. Angelina got Brad to become a 3rd country world savior. Titso got me to fold the laundry. (Once I even did it without her having to ask)


Angelina adopted a bunch of kids before she even met Brad. Titso adopted a cat before she met me.


Tom Cruise is so powerful he hasn’t had a cold in years. I haven’t been sick in years (not including two weeks ago)


Tom Cruise can, and has, cured people of heroin addiction in 72 hours. I once tried to stay drunk for 72 hours. (only made it 30)


Brad Pitt dumped Jennifer Aniston to get with Angelina. I dumped Jennifer Aniston to get with Titso.

Six Sayings I'm Trying to Popularize

I came, I saw, I threw up because you’re so ugly.

Know when to say “know when”.

You’re only as funny as the mirror tells you you are.

Reading: The new chicken dance.

This is the first day of the rest of your April.

Pam Anderson stole my bike.


I think we can all agree that these saying are versatile enough to be used in just about any scenario, so please help me in my quest.

Who will get kicked off American Idol tonight?

I don’t know. I didn’t watch it. I don’t really care anymore, but every Wednesday I get about 20 people that come to my blog through a search for the title of this post. So, I guess I have to give my prediction.

It has to be Bucky, right? He’s horrible. Ace is pretty bad too though. It will probably be Ace. Definitely Bucky or Ace. Oh, or maybe Kellie. Her stupid act is annoying. Tonight Bucky, Ace, or Kellie will get kicked off. Unless people are sick of how ugly Elliot is. People were sick of how fat Mandisa is, so it will probably be Elliot this week. Definitely Bucky or Ace or Kellie or Elliot. Then of course, people might play the race card. Only one black person left on the show. Can’t let a black girl win again. Say goodbye Paris. Definitely Bucky or Ace or Kellie or Elliot or Paris. If it were up to me Taylor would go. I heard he made an ass out of himself by trying to kick his microphone stand and he missed. Maybe it’s Taylor. Definitely Bucky or Ace or Kellie or Elliot or Paris or Taylor. So, it definitely won’t be Katharine or Chris. Although people may be sick of how beautiful Katharine is. Yeah, Katharine’s gone. Definitely Bucky or Ace or Kellie or Elliot or Paris or Taylor or Katharine. Not Chris. But, Chris has become a one trick pony, hasn’t he? (I can almost hear Kellie Pickler asking “One trick Pony? What’s a one trick Pony? You have the weirdest terminology.”) Yeah, Chris can’t do anything but rock. He will get voted off. Definitely Bucky or Ace or Kellie or Elliot or Paris or Taylor or Katharine or Chris.

Mark my words. I am never wrong.

All I ask for is Kaysar, Alison and Will

According to tvgasm.com, Big Brother this summer will be an All-Star version. It’s quite possibly the worst show on tv, and I love every second of it’s three days a week airings. Best. Summer. Ever.

Blogger comments don’t seem to be working right now, so I can write whatever I want and you can’t comment. It could be something hilarious, but no one could comment, so I’d feel not funny. So, instead, I’ll call you all a bunch of douchebags. You can’t comment, so you can’t defend yourselves. Are you a douchebag? Yes. Yes, you are. Douche!

Last night while dealing poker I gave myself a paper cut under my fingernail. It hurts like a bitch. But not as bad as my cycling accident.

If my wife didn't hail from Delaware, I'd eradicate it from the Union

And so ends the streak of hot teachers that have sex with thier students. Way to ruin everything Delaware!

I'm going to write about my day, but only for as long as I can hold my breath. Ready, go!

I got beeped last night, but didn’t hear it. I found out when I got in, so I’ve been working on a fix and writing a loop to correct the problems that occurred. I have bowling tonight. I can hold my breath for pretty long huh? Ughh….

Two days late

Saturday was my brother’s birthday. He’s treating himself by flying solo to Jamaica where he’ll try to mack on drunken spring breakers and get high with the locals.

Did I ever tell the story of his birth? If so, I’m telling it again. Well, my mom had two boys already and she was really hoping for a girl because she was tired of my dumb ass. This was before the days of being able to tell if it was a boy or girl through ultrasound and her doctor was well aware of the fact that she wanted a girl. So, she goes into labor, goes to the hospital, gives birth and the doctor says “It’s a girl!” My mom gets jubilant, and the doctor says “April Fools, it's a boy.”

Then he yelled, "IN YOUR FACE!", spiked the baby to the ground like a football and did the moonwalk.

For the first time

in a while, a little piece of me got excited looking at HNT pictures. Does it show?

Question mark? Exclamation point!

Hey Guys! What’s up? Do you think I can write an entire post without using a period? I do! Remember how I said I might work from home today? Well, I am and it rocks! Remember how I said I wouldn’t post anything today? Well, I am! Suckers! It’s not funny though is it? Oh well, screw you all! Back to work, woohoo!

Sorry

I may or may not have clicked on your blog. I did not comment. I read a comment you may or may not have left on my blog, but I did not comment back. I may or may not work tomorrow. I will work from home if I do. I will not post something funny.



(I can not concentrate. I am semi-drunk after my fantasy draft. 14 teams in the league. 1. Helton 2. Figgins ss. Crosby 3. ARod c. R. Hernandez. of Damon of. Mench of. Winn dh. Swisher ptiching staff. Whitesox. bench. WillyMo bench. Kotchman. bench. Kinsler.)

sorry I didn't post anything today.

I didn't post anything because I got busy.

Get it? I "got busy"!

*wink wink*

*nudge nudge*

*I'm lying lying*

Caught Red(?) Handed

I went to lunch and a couple porn stars were on The Howard Stern show. They brought in some sort of orgasm machines. Upon arriving back at work, one of the performers was, well, performing. I parked and for some reason couldn’t turn off the radio. I didn’t notice them coming, but a group of people walked directly next to my car as the porn star was mid-orgasm. I listen to the radio loud. I got a dirty look from one of the walkers. I gave my "dirty" look back, but they kept on walking.

I wrote a silent movie this weekend.

Here's a scene:

FADE IN
A man is sitting on a rock in the desert. He’s an attractive man, but the type of man who doesn’t rely on his good looks to get ahead in life. A second man approaches.

Man 1:

Man 2:

Man 1:

Man 2:

Man 1:

Man 2:

Man 1:

Man 2:

Man 1:

FADE OUT

Let's give em something to talk about

Ok, Today I’ll tell the story about how I lost my anal virginity. I’ll start by saying it was the longest day ever. That’s right, it was Summer Solstice, June 21. It was a Saturday and I had a morning appointment for my monthly rectal bleaching. Things in my life were going good up until this point. While my friend was totally rocking the free world, I had been totally rocking the world people pay for. Not only was all this rocking going on, but it had been a good week so far because William Hung had been on American Idol earlier in the week. It was history in the making and I was living it up.

Anyway, back to my story. This is the point in the story that we talk about Roller Derby Chicks. When I got to my appointment the entire Philadelphia Roller Derby team was in line in front of me. I knew it was going to be a long wait, but it was worth it because today was free hand job with purchase day at the rectal bleaching office.

After my 13 hour wait, it was my turn. I went into the back room where I dropped trough and got on all fours like Britney Spears giving birth. At first it felt like every other rectal bleaching I’ve had: icy smooth with a side of jalapeno. But after an hour of this, I noticed my rectum was bleeding, so I turned around and saw Clint Howard giving me the business. I was shocked at first, but then I realized it was fine because he’s kinda hot.

I should have stopped him because, well, I ended up pregnant. As I was leaving the office we discussed what we wanted to name the baby. There were really no names either of us felt extremely strong about that the other didn’t like. As a matter of fact, we couldn’t pick a boys name at all. But, it turned out ok because I, in fact, was not pregnant. I had just eaten a bad corn dog.

The End.

Somebody give me a topic

Who is going to get kicked off American Idol tonight?

Here's the order I think they should get kicked off:

1. That one 12 year old douchebag who looks like an alien and thinks he’s a sex symbol.
2. That one douchebag with long hair and two teeth
3. That one half-blackish chick who I’ve fast forwarded through every single time she’s on screen.
4. That giant black chick who’s so pretentious she goes by one name: Douchebag
5. That annoying stupid chick that looks like Filan.
6. That doucebag with a great voice who looks like he cuts his own hair, performs his own dental work, and wears his own spock ears.
7. Mr. I’m So Sexy With My Long Hair And My Stare Into The Camera Douchebag
8. That elfish black chick who’s talking voice makes me want to poke my eyes out
9. That 55 year old douchebag with Tourettes Syndrome.
10. That hot bitch
11. Chris

Who got kicked off the amazing race last night?

If you write about that, you'll get tons of hits. People love to not watch that show.


Baby shower was good. No wife beaters, just a gift cert. to babies r us. Very nice. Oh, and cake. Everyone loves cake.

Baby shower tonight! Check your mullet at the door.

When I got in this morning I was in a good mood. I’m not a morning person and I was in an hour earlier than usual today. The reason I’m in a good mood today is because I have bowling league tonight. I’m the sub and they haven’t needed me in about 3 months. I’m excited to bowl, and tonight at bowling: A surprise bowling baby shower for Titso!! I imagine the baby will get such things as; used multi-colored Velcro shoes, cigarettes, spray-on shoe cleaner, a mustache, plastic cups of beer, and maybe some dirty bowling alley cologne. We’re going to have the white-trashyiest baby on the block!

7 Things I don't really care about right now

1. Religion

2. Politics

3. Blogging

4. Money

5. Food

6. Drink

7. Air

3 Things I kinda care about right now

1.Book

2. Fantasy Baseball Draft Preperations
3. Sleep

1 Annoying thing

1. This post's numbering not working.

Movin on Up

Since I switched managers I had to move cubes. Today was moving day. I can’t believe they picked St. Patty’s Day of all days to move, but oh well. Doing it drunk might be fun. So, I just finished the move. What do you think of the new digs?





Looks nothing like the old ones, do they?

The Truths dot com

I was once choked so bad my eyes bled. I was about 3 or 4 years old. My bedroom was on the third floor of our house and it was freezing up there in the winter. We used to sleep with sleeping bags on top of our comforters and my sleeping bag still had that string on it used to tie it when you rolled it. I woke not able to breath and tried to go tell my parents. I was young and scared and didn’t notice the string was wrapped around my neck so I was dragging the sleeping bag behind me as I tried to walk. I got to the steps and couldn’t go any farther and was choking/trying to scream and my brother woke up. My nose and eyes were bleeding by the time my parents got to me. The only thing I remember about the incident was standing at the top of the stairs trying to scream when my brother woke up.


I’ve never gotten stitches below the neck. Just in my head.


I spent three weeks in a neck brace from diving in a pool when I was 13. I dove off the diving board and as soon as I hit the water I couldn’t move my neck. I sprained it and spent a few weeks in a neck brace.


I’ve never broken a bone below the waist. I’ve broken my arm twice and wrist once. Bruised ribs, sprained ankles, but never broken a leg foot or ankle.


I broke an arm when it was run over by a kid on a bike. As much as I wish the Red Rover story was true it’s not. I think people may have picked this one if I specified I broke an arm when I tripped over a whiffleball which was attached to a string which was attached to a kid’s bike who then rode over my arm. For some reason we thought it would be a fun game to tie a whiffleball to a string and tie the string to the back of the bike and the object of the game was to kick the whiffleball as someone rode the bike around. You know those movies where someone sets a trap in the woods where if you step in it, it grabs your leg and throws you up in the tree? The kind of thing that would never happen in real life? Well, that pretty much happened to me. The string wrapped around my ankle and I was immediately upended as he was turning around and I’m not really sure if my arm broke when it hit the ground or when he ran over it.


I’ve had Chlymadia.


Half of my toenails have fallen off. Two and a half years ago I ran the Philadelphia marathon. I never ran more than 5 miles before deciding to train for that. My feet didn’t do too well. A few toenails fell off in training. A few fell off after the race. They all grew back.

IIIII want to be a supermodel

Titso and I (really just Titso) are selling points on our wedding photographer's newly designed website.

If you want to check them out, you have to click on Galleries - Wedding 1 - then we're pics 4,6,8, and 10 if the thumbnails were numbered as such:

1 2
3 4
5 6
7 8
9 10


America's Next Top Model here I come!

The Truth Hurts

Sticking with the theme of pain/sickness and half truths, one out of every two statements is true. Tell me which ones are true. (I know I've talked about some of these before)


I was once choked so bad my eyes bled.
I’ve had the Heimlich maneuver performed on me.


Within the past two years I gave myself a papercut so bad I cried (teared up).
I’ve never gotten stitches below the neck.


I was a swimmer for 14 years of my life…
I spent three weeks in a neck brace from diving in a pool when I was 13.
I sprained my shoulder trying to hang onto a starting block when I false started during a race when I was 16.


I’ve broken 7 bones in my body.
But never one below the waist.


I broke an arm when it was run over by a kid on a bike.
I broke an arm diving for the finish line in a game of Red Rover.


I’ve had Gonorrhea.
I’ve had Chlymadia.


One of my toenails is permanently blackened.
Half of my toenails have fallen off.

Feeling better

Working from home today because I'm still a little ill. Yesterday in my sickness I came up with this question: Why does the floor of the bathroom look so comfortable when you're sick? About 5 times I wanted to lie down on my bathroom floor instead of getting back in bed.

My day so far

Wake up. Shit. Dry heave. Dry heave. shit shit shit dry heave shit shit shit.

My perfect attendance immune system seems to be taking the day off. I'm truly sick for the first time in years. Dammit.

A half-true poem about my weekend

Friday night started slow and fun,
I robbed a bank, then had to run.
Made Margaritas, broke out the grill,
Took some Ecstasy in the form of a pill.
Watched some tv, Deal or No Deal,
Went to the ocean, killed a baby seal.

Woke up Saturday and started to clean,
Went for a ride and picked up a teen.
Walked to the store, grabbed me some lunch,
Just for some fun, the clerk I did punch.
Met up with friends for softball practice,
Went home and masturbated with a cactus.
Went out to dinner with another couple,
Grabbed her breasts, boy were they supple.

Woke up Sunday, went to my niece’s Christening,
Snorted some coke and my eyes started glistening.
Went to brunch with all the family,
Nothing rhymes here, so I’ll say jamily.
Played some poker and didn’t have fun,
Whipped up a bomb and killed everyone.
Watched Desperate Housewives, that show’s so damn gay
Hope you all have a very nice day.

According to Wikipedia, Room Temperature is between 67-73 degrees. What's Office Temperature? Cause it's 80 degrees in here and I'm fucking dying!!!

The Jim

I know I’ve read several people’s posts on this topic before, but I thought I’d just weigh in on it myself. The topic is: People Who Stare at the Gym. As I see it, there are three types of people that go to the gym: People Who are There to Work Out, People Who are There to Socialize, and People Who Stare. Last night some of the People Who Stare were taking it a little too far and even I felt uncomfortable. I’m there to workout. So, stop staring at Me! I know you’re all turned on and hot and bothered by looking at my buffed, sweaty, naked body, doing squats and lunges, but control yourself!

Question

Why is 3 the magic number? Why can’t the magic number be 7? Or 9? Or 275604541? 275604541 is the 15 millionth prime number. That’s a lot more magical than stupid 3.


Does it have anything to do with Threesomes? Cause then it makes sense.

Working from home today

The stupid Oscars

I’ve never been a huge Jon Stewart fan. I don’t dislike him, but when people ravishly enjoy someone or something too much, I tend to be over-critical of it. (Example: I started watching 24 this season, enjoyed one episode a lot, sat through one very average episode, then gave up because people are too crazy over it.) Anyway, last night I was watching the Oscars and Jon Stewart was poking fun of Hollywood or whatever. It wasn’t all that great, but it was funny that he was making fun of everyone in Hollywood who was sitting right in front of him. So stupid George Clooney wins his stupid award and gets up and defends Hollywood calling them progressive and they were talking about things before everyone else was and they’re the best blah blah blah. I never really hated him until his stupid speech last night. George, your job is to pretend to be someone else once or twice a year and you're a millionare. Bite me. He was a lot cooler back in the old days.



I bet right after this picture was taken he kicked Natalie and Jo out of the room, banged Blair, then went out and got drunk.

Dinner

I'm going to make dinner tonight for when titso gets home. What should I make? I was thinking something in the crockpot I can just throw together then go to the gym. But, I'm kinda craving stuffed peppers... mmm, stuffed peppers... Give me your suggestions and recipes chumps!

----


I'm new to tvgasm.com. Yeah, call me a loser. Whatever. Anyway, This review of The Amazing Race had me literally laughing out loud for a half hour. I'm probably the only person that watches the amazing Race, but I don't care. It's great.

I've been thinking

When girls get pregnant their belly button’s pop out.

When guys get fat their belly button’s go into hiding.

Discuss.

Nothing funny here, so look in the mirror

Is it just me, or has there been an overall lack of posting interesting stuff lately? Nobody seems to be posting a lot, and there’s not much exciting being posted. I know nothing exciting is going on around here. And that’s because you all are not inspiring me. So, when you come here expecting to read something funny, and don’t find anything, you only have yourself to blame. Yes, YOU!

Stuff

Today’s my momma’s birthday. I didn’t get her anything. I think I’ll take her to the movies. She’ll like that more than any stupid present I could get her anyway.

As a good Christian, the start of Lent means I have to give something up. I’m thinking of giving up purple foods.

Friday marks the start of my new position. A new manager and new programming languages. Could mean a change of desk. Could mean I need to stop, or majorly cut down on blogging. We’ll see.

The last song on the Strokes cd makes me want to get up and dance and sing out loud at my cube.

Titso left for Kansas City (or something) this morning. She left me a ridiculous list of things to do. Unload the dishwasher. Wash the bathroom towels. Take out the trash. Feed the cat. Ridiculous. Does she think I’m her maid!?!

The Post never lies, right?

Because they are saying that Arrested Development was picked up for 26 more shows. If they're fucking with my emotions, that just ain't right.

Bachelor recap

So, last night, Bachelor Travis picked hometown sweetheart Sarah to be his future ex-girlfriend. At the end it looked like he was going to pick bad girl Moana. But, much to her dismay, he did not. When she was eliminated she made several remarks that went unnoticed to the untrained eye. But, since I am a reality show expert, I am here to translate what she was saying to the layman. I think you will understand her grief a little better.

“You took a piece of me that I will never be able to get back” – Travis took her anal virginity.

“Wow.” – Travis was blessed with a giant penis

“I’m devastated.” – Add up first two translations

“I can’t believe him.” – She swallowed for him

“The good girl always comes in first.” – Moana could not reach orgasm. Travis picked easy to satisfy Sarah.

“I’m shocked!” – Two in the pink, one in the stink.



I think you all can now understand why she was crying.

If I were to write two posts today, this is where the second post would go.

Worst. Movie. Ever.

Seriously. If you're given the choice to watch this movie or rip all your fingernails off. Kiss your fingernails goodbye.

Not my idol

I’m departing from the realtime blogging to bring you this. Chuck admitted that he watches American Idol, so I figure I can too. I was going to post this yesterday, but forgot. That Patrick dude that got kicked off last night deserved to get kicked off. Because of his friends. What the fuck is wrong with this lady’s lips?? (A youtube screen scrape is the only picture I could come up with)

A Day in the Life: Realtime blogging

7:45 – Woke up, brushed teeth, washed face, did hair.

7:50 – Looked magnificent.

7:52 – Ate Berry Krispies

7:55 – tasted magnificent.

8:25 – Arrived at work

8:30 – got on blog, commented on comments, starting thinking about what to write today. Didn’t come up with anything

8:31 – Put in Pixies cd

8:32-8:50 – Work related activites

8:51 - continued looking magnificent

9:12 - Brushed teeth. Flirted with self in mirror.

10:16 - sneezed

10:40 - listen to Curious George soundtrack

10:55 - daydream about how winning a silver medal would suck because you didn't win

11:01 - Get annoyed at the fact that I bit the inside of my cheek yesterday

11:03 - See that Arm gave me best comment of the day. Get happy.

12:04 - scratch ass. Make dinner plans. get hungry

12:30 - get burrito

12:40 - eat burrito while reading My Friend Leonard

1-3 - do lots of work

3:00-3:01 - debate dumping here or waiting till gym

3:02 - 4:01 - dump

I'm home

I'm tired. And I have nothing to write.

Dead Presidents*

I completely forgot today (yesterday) was the best holiday of the year. Good old el presidente’s day. I thought I’d honor our nation’s presidents by posting pictures I have of myself with them. Me and a few pres’s hanging out having fun.

Me and Georgie hanging out, trying to decide between Ace of Base and The Monkees.



I invited Ronnie to my wedding. What a jokester!




* Not all presidents pictured are dead yet

The west coast is the worst coast

Our "direct" flight stopped in Kansas City to fill up on gas because the winds were so high it couldn't make it all the way. Not only did the stop add about 45 minutes to the flight, the high winds added another hour and 15 minutes. So, we landed in LA at 3pm pst. But at least it was sunny and beautiful, right? No, it's about 12 degrees here. And a 28 mile drive to the hotel took 2 hours because of traffic. If I never come back to LA again it will be too soon. Plus, I'm working and I'd rather just go to the commerce casino. Quarter goes to everyone who comments while I'm still at the office today.

Offcycle blogging

Tomorrow I travel all day, then I work from 12pm-12am Saturday, 10am-10pm Sunday, 5pm-5am Monday, 5pm-5am Tuesday. That's a lot of time in front of my computer where people will not be blogging, so I need to hire people to blog during those time periods to entertain me if and when I get bored. .25$/hour. Apply Within.

Out of Office

Don't be jealous that your s.o. don't got skills like this

I only came up with 10 cards. Thanks for your help, I used several suggestions. Titso will wake up with these scattered all over the house tomorrow morning. (First time using my scanner, these didn't all scan too well.)

cont'd

(I use TONS of Lubriderm. All over my body and as a hair product)






(Inside didn't scan. Says "Santa is Jealous because you are my Valentine. Love,Tim")

My Grammy Acceptance Speech

Wow, I never expected to win. It was an honor to be nominated. When I started my music career, I never thought I’d make it far enough to win the Grammy for Best Song Person Maker Ever. I just want to thank a few people. First, I want to thank God for giving me the talent it takes to be such a good song person maker. Second, I want to thank MC Hammer. (This is where I would break into the Hammer dance for about 3 or 4 minutes.) That’s all, thanks. (Then I moon the crowd.)

Valentines Day

I stay up later than Titso every night. She wakes up earlier than me. So, I was thinking for Valentines Day next week, before I go to bed I’m going to leave little cards all over the house for her to read when she wakes up in the morning. And in typical Tim fashion, they will be home made cards. And definitely not the fancy homemade cards Thizzle makes. They will be pretty much the same quality as my MS Paint drawings. I bought a 24 pack of construction paper yesterday. Once I buy some magic markers, I’ll start. My plan is to make 24 different cards(won’t happen). They will all be horrible, but sweet. These are some ideas I have so far:

I will draw a picture of a cool dude. The front will say, “This is Blake.” The inside will say “Blake would have married you if I didn’t because you’re so cool. Love, Tim”

The front of a black piece of construction paper I will draw just a pair of eyes. And, of course, I will have to point out “This is me.” The inside will be the same eyes, except you will also be able to see the full me, with a big smile and a flower. “My world is brighter when you are around. Love, Tim”

I will draw a picture of Titso, Jessica Simpson, Angelina, and Jessica Biel. The inside will say “If I were on a train and could sit next to anyone, I would choo-choo-choose you. Love, Tim”

I will draw the set of the old tv game show “Let’s Make a Deal.” The inside will say “If I were on Let’s Make a Deal and you were behind door number 1, I would NOT make a deal to see what’s behind Door 2. Love, Tim”



I need more ideas. The ideas can be as bad as possible.

A Thursday post

Last night I was going to do an audio blog on my way to dealing poker, but I forgot. It wasn’t going to be anything exciting, I was just going to talk about yesterday’s post. As with a lot posts, I think of ideas when I’m on different internet sites and they spark ideas. My idea for yesterday went as follows: “Maybe I’ll make cartoons that I’ll ask people to protest. Oh, and maybe they’ll be talking shit about my blog, but I’ll insist that’s not the reason I’m protesting them.” So, I opened up MSPaint to draw my cartoons. And boy, you should have seen the ideas in my head. I’m Leonardo Da Vinci in my head. The bunny is fuzzy and cute, the hooker is super skanky with a cold sore or something, the flying shit people are in the middle of a city with details abound. Then as soon as my mouse starts drawing, I laugh at myself at how bad they are, which I think makes it even funnier. My brother is an artist and I’m jealous, but at the same time, I think the retardedness of the drawings makes for a good post.

I’m still trying to determine if I’m a pervert or not. The other night I was on youtube.com and looking at all the videos on there and I love this homemade video so much that I actually went out and bought the Pixies cd with this song. I don’t think I’m a sex pervert, but I figured that by using the words sex, and homemade video in a post, I could get more hits. Want to know a good way to get more hits? Post a link to the naked brad pitt picture. I get about 20 hits a day from this link. Talk about perverts!


****
UPDATE

I once had a theory I was afraid to post because I thought it was stupid. Here's the theory... ever hear the game "Six Degree of Kevin Bacon" where any actor in hollywood can be linked to Kevin Bacon through 6 or less movies? My theory is "Six Degrees of Blogger Nation." I honestly feel that any blogger that links to people can be linked to any other blogger on the internet through 6 links or less. The theroy could never be proved, so I never mentioned it. Anyway, the reason I write it now is that on that brad pitt link, I clicked on the 1st picture and that person links to Melissa just like I do. So, I think my theory is right! I bet you can't disprove me.

Offensive cartoons?

The protests of those stupid Islamic cartoons is all over the news. I went and read them and didn't really see the problem. But, while I was looking for these cartoons, I stumbled across several other HIGHLY offensive cartoons. How these cartoons are even in existence is beyond me. Basically, I'm asking my fellow bloggers to join me in a bloggers protest of these cartoons. I don't want to post too many of them because the content is so outrageuos, but I will post a few just so you know where I'm coming from.

The first is a cartoon I found called "The Happy Bunny":


This is so completely offensive because this bunny doesn't look happy at all. The title is an outright slap to the reader's face.

The second I came across was called "High Heels":


Obviously, this woman is a hooker. I don't think "High Heels" refers to her shoes (although her shoes are, in fact, nice high heels). I think this refers to some sort of sexual position, and we can't have our children reading this garbage.

The third I found is called "What is it?"




Even without our protest, I don't see this cartoon lasting very long. Shit can't fly. It will hit the ground, and the cartoon will have nowhere to go from there. Like this blog.

Something?

I’ve got nothing to say. Rather than take up your time by posting something stupid, I’m just not going to post anything at all. Sometimes when I don’t have anything to say, I’ll make a post about my life or something else boring, just to give people something to read. But, I know people don’t want to read that crap. I’m not going to do that today. Today, I will post nothing rather than bore you with something stupid. I racked my brain for at least 3 minutes this morning. I tried and tried and tried to come up with something entertaining. But, the simple fact of it is, I’ve got nothing to offer you that will entertain you. So, I won’t even try today. Sometimes I’ll write and write about something, and it will bore you. Not today. Today I write nothing. I wouldn’t want to jeopardize our friendship by writing something that will not make you laugh. Today, by not posting, I’m doing so for you. My faithful reader. My faithful reader who comes here hoping to read something that will make you laugh. I promise, for today only, I will not write something that will not make you laugh. I will not write something like this.

Super Bowl Commercials!

Just like I’ve done every year (except last year) after the super bowl, today I will review the commercials from last night. The average cost of the commercials was $2.3 million or something like that. And today I will go through them and tell you my favorites…

1. I think there was one with talking animals. Or some sort of animals that had human characteristics. I can’t remember who’s ad that was though. Home Depot maybe?

2. There was one with a sexy woman. I think she didn’t have all her clothes on, or maybe they were about to fall off. Something like that. I know she was definitely trying to act sexy though. I was in the other room getting a beer, so I didn’t see this one. I think that ad was for Viagra or something.

3. There was definitely one that was related to football. I think that there were people playing football, then something funny might have happened? Something funny happened, or something dramatic that brought a tear to your eye. Yeah, I think that’s what happened. I’m pretty sure that ad was for Visine.

4. I think there was one with a big name superstar. Maybe Britney Spears? Or Hilary Duff? One of those hip girls all the people love. I think that ad was for Chik-fil-a. I didn’t see the end of the commercial because I was finishing a beer.

5. There was an ad that was patriotic. It had like nice music and maybe some slow motion? There were definitely people crying in this commercial. I think a puppy died? Maybe not, I can’t remember. The pigs-in-a-blanket had just come out of the oven so I only saw this commercial out of the corner of my eye.

6. There was the soft drink commercial that the company wanted everyone to remember. They planned it out and they waited for the best time. I think the first commercial of the game. It was quiet, then something funny happened, then the person (or maybe a monkey?) drank some Tab, held it up, smiled and winked at the camera. That was my favorite commercial. I love Tab.

The Birds

Since Pittsburgh is just a short drive away, one might think I’d be rooting for the Steelers to win this weekend. Not true. Why you ask? Because when I was in Seattle I went to a Seahawks game. That’s pretty much all it takes. I saw them play once in their stadium, so I want them to win. Stupid I know, but I also think that Steelers fans are annoying. Which is also a reason for me to root against them. More annoying than Eagles fans when we don’t suck? Not even close. This post sucks.

Are you sick of the below post yet?

Outted!

Well, last night my good friend G.W outted me. After he tagged me last week I thought we were friends. Apparently not. He told the whole world I'm addicted to oil. My addiction started out harmless. Oil was just something I drank on the weekends with my friends...


Then, a guy I had been hanging with told me you get a better high if you snort it. So I gave it a try...



the rush was amazing, but after a while I needed more. I started shooting it and became addicted...



But, now that the pres has done this intervention, I'm seeking help. James Frey gave me the name of a good place.

Time to piss a few people off

I've done this before, but most have changed. Instead of waiting for me to post something today, go read the alphabet...

Armaedes
Beebers
Conti
Dickandchick
Ethel
Farfromgood
Great one, oh
Horribly unwitty
Isitserenitynow
Jacob
Kap, happy
Lipsticklulu
Mel
Nonsense, basically
Odonnellrulz
Popo
Qop
RitMeyer
Snozzberries
The Lemonade Diaries
Ups and downs of a Domestic Godess
Viewlulu
Whatsupchuck
X
Young, willing, eager
Zarconia, ruby, and baby’s other jewels


If I missed your blog, and you can figure out how to get into X, go for it!

My Arch Nemisis

I know that Brad Pitt is better looking than me. As much as I hate to admit it, I will. He’s prettier, sexier, more fit, and his penis is probably bigger than mine.

He’s richer, he dresses better, he has better hair, and he’s probably funnier than me. He’s a better dancer, actor (debatable), and singer than me. He probably has better teeth, better skin, and better toenails than me. He’s more manly than me and more metrosexual than me at the same time.

If there’s anything, any one thing in this world I thought I was better than Brad Pitt at, it was getting chicks pregnant. I had my wife knocked up within 48 hours of making her my wife. I totally fucking kick ass at getting chicks pregnant. I HAD to be better than Brad Pitt at that.

BUT, it turns out Angelina is due 3 weeks before Titso. And Brad and Angelina didn’t announce they were together until like December, so he somehow impregnated her just by looking at her because I know they wouldn’t lie to the public and be together before they said they were. I hate Brad Pitt.

Fun bags

Three years ago my cousin decided to take a chance and start a new company. She quit her job and started making high-end women’s golf bags. It was a great idea because for the most part, women’s golf bags aren’t stylish and we all know how much women love all kinds of bags.

Anyway, she’s on her third year now and the new line came out over the weekend. She names all her bags after girl’s names and this year she named one after Titso, one after my sister-in-law and one after my niece. Her company's website is all flash, so I couldn’t figure out how to copy a picture here, so you’ll just have to go check them out. Click on Cart bags. The Kimberly is Titso, my SIL is Carrie, and my niece is Jamie. And if you golf and you’re rich, buy one bitches!

Fresh new look for (1/27/)06!

Big props to TinaPoPo for making me a new template. Go visit her and tell her she rocks. She'll give you a hummer if you play your cards right. (just give her a dollar or two)

I lost all my comments, but that's fine. Haloscan loses them all after a few months anyway.

Also, while designing this TPP asked for no input, she just did what she thought would be me. In doing this she accidentily revealed that she sneaks into my house when I'm not there and sleeps in my bed. This is a picture of my bedsheets...


coincidence? I think not.

Embracing local customs

The area I moved to last year has had a population explosion in the past 10 or so years. New developments are being built all over the place. My development has 100 houses which each have ¼ acre of land. But, right across the street are homes that existed before the boom that all have about 3 acres of land. The people in my development leave for work in the morning in their SUV’s and they drop the kids off at daycare. The people in the homes across the street leave in the morning in their pickups and go huntin’. Along with all the new homes, there are new businesses that cater to the newer crowd. There are also some old school business with the local crowds.

Since we moved in last year I had been driving the 40 minutes back to my old hood to get my haircut. I know and trust the person who has been doing my hair for years. It’s very difficult to make a change. Yesterday I finally decided to go to somewhere closer. I went on the internet and looked up the place closest to my house. I stopped by on my way home. As I pulled in, it was very obvious I was stepping into a “locals” establishment. As I walked in the shop, the owner’s dog greeted me at the door while his bird had open range to fly anywhere it wanted inside the shop. I sat down with a deer head mounted on the wall above me, a prized trout mounted to the wall and a taxidermied (is that a word?) fox sat in the window. I was supporting the locals and proud of it. My only concern was whether or not it was safe to get a haircut from a guy with a mullet.

4 reviews and an observation

4 reviews of the only 4 sitcoms I watch:

How I Met Your Mother - Totally fucking gay. I never laughed once while watching the show. But I love it.

Arrested Development - Balls out funny. But canceled.

My Name is Earl - Again, I never laugh while watching this show. But, still I watch.

The Office - I belly laugh. Then I love it more because Jim reminds me of me.

Observation:


Apparently my ex died and now her vagina makes wine:

I'm only posting because TinaPoPo complained

Yesterday I met with our Activities Committee to discuss the Charity Hold Em tournament. We decided it would be run in March over a few day’s lunches. It’s going to be $20/person with a yet-to-be-determined ‘nominal’ prize for the winner. The Committee fears giving out anything good because it would look like it’s condoning gambling… which it’s not. They were talking about a trophy, which might be funny to have. I suggested a good free prize would be giving the winner the premium Employee of the Month parking spot. I hope they step up and get something worthwhile, but we’ll see. BUT, it doesn’t seem to matter to people because 28 people already replied to an initial email yesterday saying they’d be in regardless of a prize. With the company matching 100% of all charitable donations, I will be raising around $1200 for the charity of the winner’s choice based on the first response. Go me!

I just peed. I shook and shook, but as soon as I zipped up I felt wetness all the way down on my shins. I don’t know how that happened. Maybe because that’s where my penis ends…

My ABW theme song

Taggeded

I normally don't do these, but one of my good friends tagged me, so I thought I'd answer them to the best of his liking. He made the tag up himself.


List 3 Colors
Green
Red
Giraffe

List 3 words that rhyme
Log
Dog
Rog

List 3 things that are sticky
situations
tape
icky

Music
This isn’t even a question

List 3 Colors
We already did this one

List 3 round things
the world
balls
robin

List 3 days
Monday
Tuesday
Someday

List 3 of your favorites
Pizza
Bowling
Fun

I tag the first 45 people to read this.

I didn't miss blogging while I was gone.

Research

Please vote on your favorite

1. water
2. food
3. air
4. sneezing
5. nudity
6. going to the bathroom
7. eyebrows
8. Shakira
9. anticipation
10. doing the robot

Thursday, January 19, 2006

- Leaving work at 3 today to go to Florida for a long weekend with my parents. My brother, his wife and my niece left this morning. It's going to be a lot of fun to spend a lot of time with everyone, especially Jamisen.
- We’ll be golfing while there. My mom and dad both golf. Last Wednesday my dad called and said he just got a hole in one. Yesterday my mom called and told me she just got a hole in one. Pretty fucking nuts.
- I hate blogging when I can’t think of anything to write. I put too much pressure on myself to come up with something funny, which generally makes me less inclined to come up with something funny.
- I’m pretty much doing no work at all today, so you better all get to blogging so I have something to do.
-I don't care what language you speak, this first letter, is not a letter.

Don't be a Ritard

No retakes today. One recording, then I posted and I don't care if it sucks.

Husband of the Year

I always forget how old Titso is. Someone just asked me and I said, “She’s 27. No… wait, she’s 28.” Then they walked away and I started thinking she might be 29. I’m really not sure right now.